Inspector's Adventures!by Undercover InspectorChaptersBasic Flying and Advanced SpellsLove (Potion) in the AirAdvanced flying and basic healingBooze and SecretsHangovers and CelebrationsMotivation and the REAL Origins of JoeyThe Day the Unicorns Stood StillDiscord in Control! (Part 1 of 2)Choices and Sickness (Very, very, very important chapter, read for further info)Discord in Control! (Part 2 of 2)Basic Flying and Advanced SpellsWelcome friends, it's me Joey! I have learned how hard it is to type when you don't have fingers, and currently I'm learning to fly, and learning how saying "anybody" is no longer acceptable in society. Now get some popcorn, some soda, and a comfortable spot on the couch, because this is gonna be painful for me. Hope your happy writ- "Joey, are you gonna sit on your butt all day or are you gonna learn to fly?" Goddammit Dash you interrupted my conversation with this lovely reader! Oh well now to put on correct music for this, now all I gotta do is just fly away from here! Ok, inspirational music check. "Okay, fine! Just repeat what you said." Let's see how many trees I crash into today. So far my record is three. "Now remember, flap both your wings at the same time, don't look down, and see yourself making sonic rainbooms and you will be flying like a pro in no time!" Maybe I should have borrowed Twilight's book on bird anatomy. "Here goes!" I yell, and hey! What do you know, I'm actually hovering! "Hey look at that! Now let's find a cliff. It's best if you're high up before attempting to actually fly. I mean, if you aren't a pro like me." Oh Dashie, you are so vain. We find a cliff, a nice... big... one... oh god this pony is going to get me killed. "Are you sure about this, D- D- Dashie? I mean not like I'm scared or anything, but this mountain is so big, and I happen to prefer living over dying." I am not afraid of heights but geez this is a little high up. "Are you kidding! I learned to fly here, Twilight did too! If anything, this is the perfect place! Now I recommend you get some momentum." Well I am a fast runner. They don't call me "scout" for nothing. I get a running start, open my wings and..... I freeze up. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING! GET THOSE WINGS A GOING! OR ATLEAST AIM FOR THE TREE, IT ILL BREAK YOU FALL!" I put my arms out, flap as hard as I can, close my eyes, and I pray that my neck doesn't break when I hit the ground. I notice I haven't heard a cracking sound and I open my eyes. Thank god, I'm just in a tree. "Maybe we should call it a day. I mean, I'm not scared but I learned to hover so that's one thing." Are you kidding! With a little more hard work, you will be flying in no time. Now take it from the top..." This is gonna be a long day. ***************************************************************************************************************** *meanwhile with Doc* "Gee, you already went through another spell book, you are a prodigy Doc!" Twilight tells me. "Well my teachers always told me I was a quick learner. And I am learning from the best! Now hen are we going to get to the advanced spells! We are running out of basic spellbooks!" I don't want another short day! I already got to volume twelve in a week! "I don't know, but I'm sure Celestia will be happy when I tell her about your progress. Maybe for now you can check on Joey with the teleport spell you just learned." I think Twilight maybe jealous of my progress. Oh well. I teleport to Joey and see him falling off a cliff. "HEY RAINBOW! HOW'S JOEY DOING!" I yell to her from all the way down here. HE'S DOING GOOD! HE LEARNED HOW TO HOVER! NOW TAKE A FEW STEPS AWAY FROM THE TREE! I do as I am told. But there is no need. "YOUR DOING IT JOEY! YOUR DOING IT! YOU'RE FLYING!" I teleport to the top of the cliff to congratulate him. "Hey featherbrain, open your eyes! you're flying!" I think I am getting pony slang down. "WHOOT! Now quick question, how do I stop!" Oh dear. "Either find a nice tree, or go to the cliff!" And right on cue, he crashes right into the cliff. "Don't worry I got it." And just like that I teleport to me. "Next time, try not to break your neck, ok silly goose?" That's Pinkie's nickname for him. "Shut up and heal me Doc." The best thing about this place is their medicine. It's just like PING you're broken leg is healed. "Ok, is that better? remember I'm new to this magic thing." I may be new but I am good. "Twilight says you go through a few spell books everyday. Now could you just fix me?" At this point I blush. "Well I am a quick learner. Now hold still, aaaaaand PING now you feel better now you big baby?" Joey is NOT happy with me now. "Shut your ass up Doc." Yep. He is pissed. "I'm going back to Vinyl's so I can get some sleep. Tell Twilight you have not mastered healing." Well at least his leg is better. "Hey! Don't you wanna fly some more!?" Dashie is eager to have another flying friend it seems. "Dash, I think Joey's done for the day. As am I, I'm going to reread that book on healing magic." I tell her. "But it's not even noon!" Eh, we will never understand Joey. By the time I get to Twilight's tree, she has already finished up the report. "Hey Twilight, what happens when you botch up a healing spell but no physical harm is done?" I innocently ask her. "The patient sees a horrifying image of a traumatic experience. It hardly ever happens though, why did you ask?" She seems eager to find out if I did something wrong. "I healed Joey and he seemed shook up afterword." I say to her like it's no big deal. "He'll be fine. Remember when Rainbow Dash died, he recovered from the initial shock of that didn't he?" she says to me. "You're right. What day is it? Today seems like it is something important." I ask her. "The day before Hearts and Hooves Day." she tells me. "Oh, then remind me tomorrow to have flowers sent to Derpy's house under the name: Joey Bonk. We always prank each other on your version of Valentine's Day." I tell her. We always have something planned. No doubt Joey will do something like this. "Ok. And if anypony comes to the door, I will send them to you." She says to me. Love (Potion) in the AirHappy Valentine's day / Hearts and Hooves Day! Yay! And thus ends my forth wall breaking for today. I wake up in the morning of this world's version of Valentine's Day to Vinyl standing up on my bed. "Ugh Vinyl, whaz goin on?" I ask her, still barely awake. "It's Hearts n Hooves Day darling. Now wake up, you and I are going to have a 'romantic' day because Octy says I need more guy friends. Promise me you will pretend to like me like that?" Oh this will surely go well. I agree because I am still half asleep. "Now wake up sleepyhead." She slaps me. "GAH WHAT THE FU-" She covers my mouth with her hooves. "SHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I obey. "So how's this gonna work? We aren't gonna, you know, well uh you know. Um engage in THAT sort of-" she covers my mouth and nods. If I liked you that way I would be more discreet about it, now follow my lead." Oh god I just realized how bad an actor I am. We walk out into the living room "Heya Octy! Me and Joey here are gonna spend the day together. I think we are gonna go to the fair first. What say you Joey?" Well, thank goddess this isn't the first time I have been in a fake relationship. "Yeah, we'll get some punch, ride the Ferris Wheel, and check out the video games they have!" I say enthusiastically. "Ok Octy, we'll be heading out!" She says to Octavia. As we approach the fair, we get some punch, as Vinyl didn't get anything to drink this fine morning. Little did we know, the CMC had tampered with the punch right before we got there. ************************************************************* (meanwhile, with Doc) "So you are the esteemed Doctor Whooves I have been hearing about? What a coincidence! I'm a doctor too!" I tell him. "So anyways please don't send her the roses. A great calamity involving love triangles will ensue." This guy reminds me of Joey minus the Boston accent and a lot more calm. "Ok, sorry by the way, who thought a harmless prank would spiral out of control like that!" Now if you would mind, I need to beg Twilight to let me read her book of advanced spells. Good day sir!" I tell him. As I leave I see Vinyl and Joey kiss. It's a sight that no matter would I do, nothing could never erase it. "GOOD JOB MAN!" I yell to him, before bumping into the Doctor again. "Do you smell that?" he asks me, he seemed kind of worried. He then sees the display of affection Joey and Vinyl share. "Hey, I thought you said he wouldn't date anyone here?" "He wouldn't. I assumed Vinyl had seduced him." I tell him. "Nope. That's potent love potion. He is not in control of his actions. That explains the smell. Grade A refined love potion. We need to get him out of there." "I couldn't agree more. HEY JOEY C'MERE!" He motions for me to go away. "IT'LL IMPROVE YOUR CHANCES WITH YOUR GIRL!" He runs straight to me at practically the speed of light "Let's go gift shopping. I know the perfect shop. "Hey Doctor, how long did you say I have to keep him away?" I whisper to him. "Because of it's potency, the effect its stronger but lasts shorter. It will be an hour." Well at least it isn't a day. I just, god I will never get that salvia swapping fest out of my brain. Jesus, now shippers will have a field day about this. "Let's hurry, I don't want to be away from my dame any longer than I have to. Where's the shop man. " He obviously doesn't want to leave here. Now if I stall any longer with my fake store thing, he's gonna catch on. I take him into Carousal Boutique. "Aw c'mon, I thought you said you were gonna take me somewhere new." Thank goddess Rarity wasn't in the room until now. "Heya Rare, Joey's looking for something for his girl I think the cutie mark crusaders experimented with love potions again help me!" I nonchalantly tell her. "Ok darling who is she? Derpy? Rainbow Dash?" She knows the student teacher relationship is sacred! "Nah, it's that gorgeous Vinyl Scratch. She's so-" I leave the room before shipping intensifies. You sick bustards! Taking advantage of this moment to draw r34 and s*!t like that. Ugh, now I need a way to erase that out of my brain. ************************************* (meanwhile with the Doctor. Doctor Whooves pov) "So basically, I cured you with this elixir, so do you remember anything, Vinyl?" I ask. "All I remember is a dream where me and Joey lip-locked. That didn't actually happen did it?" Unfortunately I must tell her the truth. "Yes you did. Knowing the potions affects, you might have even tried to do THAT to him." Ugh, I hate talking about this sort of thing. "OH MY SEET CELESTIA WE DIDN'T DO IT DID WE!?" She seems highly upset. "Luckily no." I tell her and am I am replied with a sigh of relief. "Is Joey still under the effects?" She curiously asks. "Yes. I am using him to get back at Mr. Legend for messing with Derpy. It should be wearing off any second now, and due to it wearing off over time, he will have no memory of this, but just a vivid daydream of you every now and again." I inform her. "Dude, for a time lord, you sure are mischievous." Well I am quite a prankster. "So now that everything is settled, do you want to rejoin your friend?" obviously she would, but I ask anyway. "Sure, but never speak of this again. Now you should go and fix the other ponies. While Joey and I head home." Oh no she's right! "Now if you'll excuse me, I have some elixirs to make." I say before I trot off to Zecora's hut. ************************************* (Joey pov) "Ugh, my head! Vinyl, what happened, and why is mouth wet, and why do I sense people making porn starring me and you in it?" I say. My senses NEVER lie. "Long story, but let's just ride the Ferris Wheel together, as friends." She says to me with her cute eyes. Purple always was my favorite color besides blue. "Ok, but I want answers. Advanced flying and basic healingWelcome Back! How was your Hearts n Hooves Day? I had a strange one, all I remember is getting a drink of punch, then me and Vinyl become romantically involved. But that was obviously a dream, as I would never date anyone here. "Hey Octavia, what's going on?" I ask her, eager to see if she knew anything. "You sleeping with Vinyl." Ok- "WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????" OH GOD WAS I DRUNK? DID SOMEONE SPIKE THE PUNCH? (Oh god I'm stealing jokes) I then wake up from my nightmare to find Vinyl and (Please let me still be wearing my clothes) Oh thank god. I am NOT ready to be a dad just yet. Wait what? "Hey Vinyl, you mind telling me what you are doing in my bed, and not in yours?" I ask her. "Sleepover?" She uses the dreaded face I can't stay mad at. "Ok but, uh we didn't, uh well, I don't have to worry about being a father do I?" Please for the love of Celestia... "Heavens no! We are just friends! If I wanted that, I would've taken you to a bar and then spiked your drink." A little too honest there, princess. "Besides, two friends can't just sleep together?" "Well they can, but tell me next time. I almost thought I would have to borrow parenting books from Twilight. But seriously what the hell happened yesterday? "Long story, and I think you would make a great dad. You're protective enough." "Okay. Now I'm gonna hang with Rainbow and learn how to fly. Or more specifically, what to crash into." I leave after doing the dishes in the dubstep dishwasher and make them coffee. "Ok Dashie, I got flying down pat. Now teach me to land." I know I can do this. "Ok, the trick is to hover before you land, like this." After a few speeches and tricks and gimmicks to the secret to landing effectively, she shuts up. In a few seconds, I am landing like a pro. "Now how about tricks, like how to do a barrel roll (press the L or R button twice) and the sonic rainboom." I cannot wait to dazzle Doc with my new tricks. "Ok, DO A BARREL ROLL! (press L or Aw you get it.)" I successfully do a barrel roll without a controller. I then proceed to ace all the tricks, besides the buccaneer blaze and the fantastic filly flash, her two best moves. "Hey, at this rate you'll be at my level in no time! Now the trick for the sonic rainboom is to build up momentum." "Yeah yeah, NOW LETS DO THIS LEEEEEEEEEEEROY JEEEEEEEEENKINS!" I speed toward the earth- err whatever planet this is. "Almost there!" I say before a cone develops around me, and I... get thrust back into the air. Gravity be damned. "So close! Same thing happened to me when I tried it one time. But when the situation calls for it you will be ready. Also who is Leeroy Jenkins?" HOW CAN SHE NOT KNOW HIM?! "One of the most famous people alive. Known for ruining a complex and highly thought out plan by rushing in. He's a meme." There, that's an internet history lesson for you. "Okaaaay, now just keep trying to do a sonic rainboom, you'll get it eventually. After 15 more fails and 16 1\2 broken ribs. I go back to Doc. "Hey Joey, you're getting blood all over Twilight's carpet!" Goddammit Doc. "Just shut up and heal me, I've been breaking trees and ribs all day." at this point I fall over, cringing in pain. IT HURT. A LOT. "Ok, hold still, I'm going o use an advanced healing spell, most doctors don't do this, I will warn you now." "Shut up and use your horn." I tell him. "And.." In a flash of light, my ribs are alright. "There. Now I recommend you get lots of rest. The reason most doctors don't do this is because you cannot move for a day, and are severely weakened in that time. So that is why you will bunk here for the night. Twilight has an extra bedroom, mostly in case some catastrophe should befall our beloved library, but she also turned into an extra study with a bed." He lifts me with his magic. It feels so freaking weird, its like being covered in cold air, or something. The spell took away my movement, but not my feeling, interesting. And now we are here. "Doc, do me a favor." I ask him kindly. "What's that?" "Never ever lift me with magic again or so help me I will destroy you. And remind me to put on pants tomorrow." He breaks out into a fit of laughter. "OH GROW UP!" "Sorry," he says, trying to hold in his laughter, "but I must inform Vinyl." "DON'T YOU DARE! I WILL NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT!" I SWEAR TO GOD DOC! I SWEAR TO GOD! "Ok fine, I will just tell her you went drinking, and found a nice girl in an alleyway." You are such an ass Doc. "If you say anything to her, I WILL kill you." I tell him. "Oh look at that, you're already regaining control of your arms. Good night sweet prince." YOU ASS! ***************************************************************** The very next day, from Doc's pov "And so Vinyl that's why Joey couldn't come home. He was immobilized by my spell, if he kept moving, he would've broken something else. Please do not mention this to him, he hated every second of it. And let him take it easy with the chores, he still is a little fragile." I tell her and pray she doesn't does what I say. "Okay, I will let the dude get plenty of rest. Here is an extra pair of his clothes." She says, then hands me them. I thank her and trot to Joey, he will be eager to wear them. "Hey joey, I got your clothes, I'll just leave them here for you." Its so funny to see Joey helpless. Makes me forget Pinkie showed him how to shoot as a pony. "You now I can't move right?" "Oh yeah, the spell should be wearing off any time now, I recommend you give yourself time to heal naturally. The spell just revitalizes you, it doesn't fully heal you. But your ribs should grow back." No they won't, but I gave him a healing potion in his orange juice. "Hey, I can move! Now get the hell out while I get dressed." I do as he says. "Now I'm gonna go to Vinyl's and listen to some music. If I hear a word about the what happened yesterday, I will destroy you." I leave the room and go back to Twilight. "Hey Twi, do you have any books on healing spells?" Of course she does. "Yep, hey Spike, get me the three volumes on healing spells, and since you asked nicely Doc, spike also get me that book on advanced spells." WHOOT! Now I can finally learn from the very best! Age spells, fighting spells, heals spells, SPELLS GALORE! ************** 3 volumes of healing spell books later "Whoo! Hey Twilight, thanks for the book." I can guarantee that sentence has never been said and the speaker has meant it. "No problem Doc, how far along are you?" She asks in her usual sweet tone. "I just finished the 3 volumes of healing spells. Now I'm gonna get a jump on those advanced spell." "That's nice." She seems a little more smug than usual. I open the book and find just about everything! Fireballs, lightning, age spells, advanced magical shields, and magical item registry! Basically a wizarsd's handbook however it only takes me a second to get stumped on the age spell. I conjure up an item with a new spell from the book so I can test out my age spell. "I shall now turn this plant into a seedling!" Twilight looked surprised, and as I fired a bolt from my horn, Twilight conjured up a shield over her and spike. As soon as the bolt hits the plant it bounces off, and heads for me. Luckily I prevented it from hitting me by summoning another item. A diamond, but it turned back into coal as soon as it got hit. "Be more careful next time, I forgot to mention, age spells only work on ponies or, no evidently diamonds." Well now I know. And knowing is half the battle, so I guess it's a win? "Funny, if it hit me I would have regressed into a three month old foal. But Super Stallion is only allowed to pull that off right." Twilight looked confused at me for a second. "You should hang out with Pinkie a less often." But it's true. "I'm gonna go and practice my spells in an open field." I tell her. "Okay, there is a nice one just on the other side of the Everfree Forest." She does know that is the most dangerous place in Equestria doesn't she? No she must think I am a very capable mage if I am good enough to get through there unharmed. I teleport to Zecora's hut. I must be halfway there. I keep walking, I pass the swamp where the alligator that knocked me out is. "Heya toothy!" I yell out to him. For an alligator, he is surprisingly docile. I arrive at the field where Fluttershy usually picks flowers. "Time to test out a fireball." I fire it into the air, SUCCESS! **************************************** Hours of spell casting success lator "WHOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I teleport to Twilight so I can tell her that her student has mastered the spell book. "Heya Twi! I finished the spell book! Got anymore?" I ask, eager to learn more. "Nope. You now know all the spells know, the only way to further your knowledge would be to learn from Celestia herself. i will put in a good word for you. But now, you should call it a day. Booze and SecretsWelcome reader, Joey here! This chapter, we learn why Mondays are evil, and why you should not drink and or drive. Also, important message about why you should not drink if you are too young at the bottom. "Hey Vinyl, what day is it?" I ask, while still in my half-asleep state. "The seventeenth, now give me 5 more minuets." Oh good god and Mormon Jesus the comedian no. "Oh good god no. Vinyl, where's my shotgun?" Time to call Doc and tell him it's that time of the year again. "In your closet. Now lemme sleep, wake me up when Neon gets here." Ugh I do not want a repeat of last time this happened to me. "Vinyl, you can not leave the house today. Call your friend and reschedule." "Now I know I must be dreaming. What did you say Joey?" She says, I can definitely hear the sass in her voice. "Call your friend and tell him to reschedule for tomorrow. It is too dangerous today." Not gonna let any of my new friends die. "What's going on?" She asks, finally awake. "It's that time of the year, and too many things are going good. Every year, when I think I'm safe, it's always around this time something goes and ruins my life." EVERY FREAKING TIME "What do you mean?" She asks innocently. "Today, my squad died, my best friend died the year after that, the rest of my friends died the next year after that, and so that's why I'm worried. Call Doc and tell him to round up the girls and get them to meet me here." Do not fight me when it comes to this Vinyl. "Joey, I think you're paranoid." Oh god. "Last person who said that was my friend Billy, right before he took a bullet to the face. I do not want to lose you Vinyl. Or anyone for that matter. But it's the same thing every year, 'Joey relax, you're just paranoid.' then BOOM! People die." I can still see him with his cool face on, talking to ladies. "If that were the case, wouldn't I be dead by now?" You have a point there sweetheart. "Maybe you're lucky. I'll tell you what, if you're sooo worried, I'll take you out and show you that we have nothing to worry about. Sound cool?" She then makes her cute face I can never say no to. "Fine, but I want Doc with me at all times. His Knowledge of magic should come in handy." I would also appreciate a medical professional to stay with us, should anything happen. "I'm a unicorn too you know." She obviously wants alone time. "But he took 4 years of medical school." I retort. "And should something happen, I want you safe." "Fine, if it makes you feel better." She replies. We Head over to Twilight's library. "Hey Doc, it's that time of the year. Tell the other girls to watch their backs. We are gonna spend the day with Vinyl, afterward check on everyone and keep them safe. And don't tell Vinyl the second reason for why this day is so important." I whisper to him. "Ok Joey, but they will find out eventually. And I am sure they will-" I cut him off before he could even entertain that thought. "Look, if you tell them, I will kill you, I don't care if you are my friend. Got it pal?" I tell him in an unusually serious tone. "Ok, but if you tell them now, you could prevent it from snowballing." Shut the f**k up Doc. "Look, you don't have to worry about it because you aren't like me. You weren't made in a lab. If they learn, they might not accept me for me anymore. I have come too far, Heinz. Too. Far. Now if you tell her or anyone, I will end you." I do not like being so grim with Doc, but this instance called for it. "Now let's go." "Finally! So where to? That fancy French place? Sugar Cube Corner?" Wha-. "I thought you were taking us somewhere?" I legitimately did. "Nah. That was to get you out of the house. So where to?" I heard a about a new bar. "Well this bar opened up, and I thought 'why not?' So you in?" Doc is not much of a drinker, so I am counting on him to get us home. "Why not? It's been a while since I went to a bar." Alright! *********************************************************************** (One Alcoholic Cider Drinking Contest later) ZA le WHO Bah leegh bar, mon Jeagerman. (Translation Oh god, even my thoughts are drunk) "Hey there girl, you must be Vinyl, how bout a round of drinks, on me?" FOOBAR! (translation AW HELL NAW!) "Hey! Hey you! Fuggof my girl! Shez wit meh! I'll kill yah if you touch her!" "Shuddap Joeh! I kin make mah own deciszons! Now whazzat about drinks?" "Oh good god Joey, I go to the bathroom for one second and already you're piss drunk!" "Shuddap Dawk, helme get princess her away frum her boyfriend!" "Shudup Joeh! I kin date who evuur I want!" "They onleh want yah fur yah bodeh! I'd treat yah rite, but my rules furbod et." "Jesus! Both of you are coming home with me now!" "Here's mah numbah! Call meh kay?" ******************************************************** (at Vinyl's house) "Hey Octavia, take your drunk lovebirds back." "I AINT HER BOY FRIEND DAWK!" "Shudup, you know you want me." "Let me guess, you tried the new bar didn't you Vinyl." "It wuz Joeh's idea." "Tru. Mah bad." "Ugh, now I'm going to have to Re-reschedule Neon. Joey, as punishment for getting Vinyl drunk, you will have extra chores all next week. "Eh, I deserve it. Sorreh Vinyl." I can feel mah thoughts clear. Still a little drunk, so sorreh if there are any occasional flub-ups. "Ok, beautiful, looks like you and me are sharin a bed togethah" "Vinyl, stop trying to seduce me, Octy gave me a potion. Why haven't you drank yours?" "Cuz ur sexy!" "Vinyl, you know my rules, I don't date here." She now attempts her cute face, but she kinda messes it up. "If it's that time of the month, just tell me." "Ur no fun." "You're drunk." "Ur beautiful." "If you're gonna try and stroke my ego, it won't work." "Then I'd like to-" "THIS IS RATED TEEN VINYL!" Nice try. "Now if you need me I'm gonna be on the couch." And this is why I now only drink in solitary. Jesus, it's like the universe WANTS me to date, BUT I will NEVER date. If I did, I may as well get married, but I was human before, so if I date them now, that would imply to the readers that I had this planned out. Oh god, they haven't left yet. Hey guys, Joey here. Now if you are not 21 or the legal age of drinking in your country or where you live, please do not drink alcohol. You will get drunk, try to seduce your friends, and agree to do stuff you would never do if you weren't drunk. Many people die from drinking and driving, not to mention the people who die from kidney and liver failure. I don't advocate underage drinking, or drinking and driving. So please wait until you are the required age before going to a bar. I do not want my writer to get sued, even if he is an idiot. So please, don't drink if you're not allowed to. Ok guys? Even though I doubt you will head my advice and probably thumb down the chapter, just don't ok? Remember, no underage drinking and no drinking and driving. I don't want you to get hurt. Now stay awesome. Hangovers and CelebrationsOh GOD my f**king HEAD! Octy said it would hurt but DAMN it hurts. Oh sorry reader. Continue on. "Oh GODESS! Joey what happened last night?" A very hung-over Vinyl asks me. "I got in a drinking contest and you tried desperately to get with me. Don't worry, that was after Octy gave me and you a potion of brief sobriety which you didn't drink." Ow my head. "So do I gotta worry about kids or what?" she asks me. "No, now let's just go back to sleep princess." I tell her. "Oh, I see you two are awake. Not very fun when you're hung-over now is it?" Says a smug Octavia. "Shut up Octy, our heads are killing us. Remind me never to get in a drinking match with a guy who has a picture of vodka for a cutie mark." (some of the people are so weird) "I hope you realize binging all night isn't very good for you. Vinyl, I expected you to have learned this lesson already. Joey, I thought you would've been a good influence on Vinyl." Octavia disappointingly says. "Sorry, I thought she had the day planned, but she didn't and the first thing that came to mind was the bar." I tell her. "Leave him alone Octy, I shoulda told him you wouldn't ant me drinking." Vinyl cut in. "Sorry Octavia, if I had known, I never would have taken her there." I honestly reply. "Well she is a party animal isn't she?" You are right about that Octy. "Sorry." Vinyl does the cute face. "Eh I forgive you. Octy I think we should all put this behind us." I go for it. "Your little cute face may work on Joey, but it won't work on me. Nice try. Joey, your punishment is lifted, Vinyl's still stands." So close! "Sorry princess. Now Octy, Could you tell Rainbow DASH I can't make it to today's lessons?" I ask her, and attempt to mimic Vinyl's cute face with little success. "Ok, fine.... She said as long as you give it 110% tomorrow." Octavia tells me. "Thanks." ************************************** (Doc pov) "- and that's why I was late back." I tell Twilight. "Well Vinyl is a bit of a drinker. Also you got a letter from Celestia. Why don't you read it?" Oh yay I love mail. "Dear Doc Legend, I am proud to inform you that I will teach you alongside my most faithful student Twilight Sparkle. She tells me you are a quick learner. I cannot wait to see how you do in the coming months." "I GOT ACCEPTED WHOOT!!!!!! HEY TWILIGHT I GET TO LEARN ALONGSIDE YOU WHEW! Does this mean I get my own assistant?" Twilight looks at me disapprovingly as I finish that last statement. "Only if you find a dragon egg in the wild." As Twilight finishes her sentence, Spike walks in the room. "Hey guys, what's with all the yelling?" He asks curiously. "I am an official student of Celestia. We were talking about dra-" Twilight covers my mouth before I can finish. "Yay! Official student yay! Now go to sleep, Pinkie is throwing him a party later." She obviously doesn't want to talk about hatching dragons. "WHAT HAPPENED I HEARD PARTY!" I hear this as I get ambushed from a ceiling Pinkie. "How did you go through the ceiling?" I ask, curious to know how one travels through solid matter. "What'sgoingoniheardpartyTwilightwhatarewecelebrating." Oh god she is too quick. "I am now an official student of Celestia." I immediately regret saying this as it is followed by: "ERMAHGAWD WE NEED TO THROW YOU A PARTY TODAY!" "OH MY GOD WILL YOU KEEP IT DOWN I HAVE A HANGOVER HERE!" "It's only 8am. you have time to plan a party, I will go for a lovely stroll around Ponyville." I say as I trot off. "Hey Doc! How are ya!" I am greeted by Rainbow Dash as I leave. "Good. How are lessons going with Joey?" I ask, eager to know how he is doing. "He's doing good, but is having some trouble pulling off a sonic rainboom. He needs the right motivation I think." I am a little disturbed by that comment Dashie. "He'll get it eventually. He always does. I have seen him do a deca jump (10 jumps) before. He can do that. Let's continue the conversation at the bar, Wait are you older than 21?" I do not want to get caught up in any illegal stuff. "Yeah." AWRIGHT "But promise me you won't get piss drunk while I'm in the restrooms like Joey did ok?" I say, not wanting a repeat of last night. "Ok. But take me home if I get too drunk." How the? "I do not have wings." And I don't want her drunk, flying around at night. "It's not like we are going for new world record aren't we?" She has a point. And I learned my lesson's when it comes to drinking contests back home. We arrive in the bar, and I am greeted with the guy from last night. "Hey, good job baggin' that one man!" "She is a friend of mine sir, I would never. Also Vinyl asks you to stop calling her." "Whatever. Tell prettyboy if he wants a fight next time to say it to my face." I dislike the guy. ************************************************************************************ (Oh god here we go again) "Dashie! I thought we agreed not to get in any drinking contests!" Ugh, women. "Shuddap, I'm teh bez dere iz, yew cnt stawp meh from bein da best!" (oh good god I may as well start a babysitting service for drunkards at this rate) "Now, c'mere, I wanna hug ya!" "Thank god you didn't get vodka. Now you are gonna sleep with- you are going to sleep at Twilight's house. I'll sneak you in." We remain undetected, and just as I leave my room, with an unconscious Rainbow Dash in it, SUPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CONGRATULATIONS DOC!" Oh god. "Aww, guys! you didn't have to!" Curse my conveniently bad memory! "I wanted to invite everyone, but Joey was sick and I couldn't find Dashie! But I made do! Whadja think! Where you surprised!?" "I certainly was! Now where's the cake." "Hello, my new student. How are you settling in?" Sunbutt asks me. "Good, everyone here sure is nice. You don't happen to have any spare spell books for this eager student?" "As a matter of fact, I have it right here with me. Now you and Twilight share." Yay books! "We will princess, we will." Well Twilight is officially jealous of me. "Anybody else smell alcohol?" And then, the worst happens. "Hey guys, Whad I miss?" a drunken Rainbow Dash sputters in. It's times like this I thank goddess for that spare sobriety potion Octavia gave me is in the closet. "HEY EVERYONE LET'S PLAY A GAAME CALLED 7 MINUETS IN HEAVEN ME AND DASHIE WILL GO FIRST." As Dash begins to awkwardly position herself, I pour the potion down here throat. "What the- What's going on?" she asks. "You tried to sleep with me and luckily before you could I poured a potion down your throat and now you're sober. Speak of this again and so help me I will destroy you." Before she could say anything to make the moment more awkward, we burst out of the closet. "Hey! That was the super short bonus round, unfortunately we shall no longer play 7minuetsinheaven any more." I say to the crowd, amazingly everyone shrugs it off. I bump into Celestia by the punch bowl. "Hey Doc?" she leans in. "Y-y- Yes?" I nervously ask. "I know." Oh god. Motivation and the REAL Origins of JoeyOh god the title. Dashie, what did you do. "I wake up in da morning feeling like-" Vinyl puts her hoof over my mouth before I could finish. "Octy's asleep. Let's sneak out." I could tell from the mischievous smile on her face that she had something planned. "Ok, but we are not going to a bar." I say, not wanting another titanic hangover. "Okay, I was thinking, well since you can fly... can you show me Cloudsdale?" Oh no, the dreaded cute face, my only weakness. "Fine, just hang on tight- a little less tight my dear?" The things I do for you Vinyl. "Up, up, and awaaaay!" And thus, we ascend into the morning air. "And here is the rainbow factory, but between you and me, that place gives me the creeps. And here is the sta-" Just then a pony wisps past me, causing me to spiral out of control for a few seconds. "WATCH WHERE YO- VINYL!" I notice the weight on my back was a little lighter than it was a minuet ago. I look down and see Vinyl, plummeting towards the ground. "TRY TO FALL A LITTLE SLOWER!" I yell out. Of course this would happen. "JOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEY! HEEEEEEEEEEEELP!" she screams, I rush down as fast as I can, I can see the cone forming, and I can feel my weight shifting, and.... BOOM! Rainboom that is. YEEEEEAH. "So, princess, how's it feel?" I ask her. "How's what feel?" "Going at mach 10 speeds on the second pony to ever do a sonic rainboom, princess?" never before have I felt this at peace. "AWESOME! WAY TO GO JOEY!" Today is a good day, and it's not even noon! "Now let's land, my wings are going to give out if I keep this up." We land the very cliff I learned to fly at. "Now tell Dash I pulled off a sonic rainboom. I'm just gonna collapse on the ground for a minuet." Oh man the ground has never felt so good. {_______________________Vinyl P.O.V.______________________} "HEY DA- Let me guess. Hangover?" She nods. Ugh. Lightweight. "Well take this, it will cure you. Also Joey pulled off a sonic rainboom, also next time you're gonna send me plummeting to my death, tell me before you do." "Ok, but it worked didn't it? Besides, now he will take you anywhere if you do your cutesy face." "You know I hate doing that to him." "At least it's not mind control magic." "Well I'm gonna get back to Joey, he is so overprotective you know." "See ya next time he needs some motivation." Sometimes I wish Joey could see just how shallow she is sometimes. {___________Vinyl P.O.V. over_________} "Hey Vinyl, what did she say?" I ask her, eager to see if she was impressed. "She was very impressed with you. She thinks you should take the day off tomorrow because you're doing so well." "OH YEAH!" I knew she would be impressed! Now I take a day off to relax with Vinyl. Wait wha- "Vinyl, What did Rainbow Dash really say? And don't lie to me." "She said she wants you to take the day off.She has a hangover."Well now that makes sense. "Ok, but why do you want to be alone with me?" I ask, my curiosity finally got the best of me. "I want to know where you came from. And don't tell me that half-assed story you told the others. I want the WHOLE truth, the REAL truth, and nothing but the truth. Call Doc and tell him to meet me at the Everfree Forest by the shed with the portal to other dimensions. And if you tell m another half-assed fake story, you are going to have to live somewhere else." S*!t. She saw through my clever lies. "Ok, fine. But prepare to be shocked." Oh god, even readers are going to hate me I think. Please don't hate me readers, you are the only people I enjoy taking to. Sure, the conversations are a little one-sided but you are human beings I can relate to, kind of. You each have stories that I would like to hear, personalities that are different, and you are all different! Just promise me you wont hate me, just hate the writer, he is a dumbass. But don't hate the editor, he is awesome. Well, no use avoiding it. Time to tell you the truth. IN THE NEXT CHAP- what? OH god. I have to d it this chapter? NO! NO NO NO! But the readers are gonna hate me, and I don't anna lose the, they are too awesome to lose. Oh well. The time came, and we all met at the Everfree Forest. "There you two are, now spill the beans." Goddamn you Vinyl. "Ok fine, There were ten of us, each individually were impressive, but when paired together with the right strategy and teamwork, unstoppable. I ran fast, and wielded a Scattergun, a pistol, and a bat. There was an all-American guy, he hated anyone who wasn't from America, he went so far as to sneak into another country and kill the people there. He wielded an RPG, a shotgun, and a shovel. Then there was him, he scared me. He was not sane, he saw things differently than we did, he wielded a flamethrower, a shotgun, and a fire axe. Then there was the black Scottish Cyclops, he was a demolitions expert who lost his eye to a wizard. He wielded a gun that shot pipe-bombs, a gun that shot remote detonated sticky grenades, and a beer bottle. Then there was a fat Russian, he was a little slow, but what he lacked in brains, he made up for in firepower. He had a minigun, a sandwhich, and his fists. Then there was that Texan. He built machines to do his bidding, all he needed was his dispenser and he was set. He used it to build a sentry, then with more metal he made it better, and eventually he put a rocket launcher on it. All he used was his machines, a shotgun, a pistol, and a wrench. Then Doc here healed people with a special gun, we never use it now because it broke. He uses a crossbow that heals friends and hurts enemies, as well as a bonesaw. Then there was that lanky Australian, he used a sniper rifle, a jar of piss, and a kukri. then there was that French spy. He put the stab in backstab, he used a revolver, a sapper to destroy the Texan's toys, a knife, a watch that turned you invisible, and a disguise kit, sometimes you didn't know who to trust, he could've been anyone. And we don't talk about the tenth, after the horrible thing he did to us. He enrolled us as mercenaries. After we killed him, we remained mercenaries purely to pay off our debts. Eventually we were hired by Blutarch Mann or someone with a name that had "blue" in it. It turns out, we were cloned by Redtavich. (or someone with "Red" in their name.) Blutarch had a gravel pit he and Redtavich were supposed to share. Due to the tolls and lives it took before, we were cloned. Millions of clones meant that there would be defects, so we would receive extensive testing before we were released. Years of fighting and a robot apocalypse led to Blu and Red's death. We still continued to fight afterword because it was purely on instinct at this point. Then the cloned 'Scouts' rebelled and then all nine of us became separate factions. Then I was made. I was a defect, but still the best when it came to conflict. Eventually I became sentient, exactly what my superiors feared. I was scheduled to be killed soon after I check the old cloning facility. I found Doc there. And he was fascinated with me, he had never seen a self-aware scout before. My superiors let me live as long as Doc was around. Then we went on all sorts of crazy adventures around multiple war-torn dimensions. Then we tested a new teleporter, said to be able to take us to even more dimensions, even alternate universes. Then we came here, and the rest you know. Now Vinyl, and you too readers, please don't hate me because I'm a defect. The only thing wrong with me is my mental stability, honest!" Sorry, I just need to cry for a second. ;-; You don't hate me because I'm different, do you? I mean you don't hate Derpy. But do you hate me? "Joey, I do like you, so what if you're a clone?" You're just saying that. "Most people where I come from associate clones with slaves and are treated like they are worthless. I assumed this place would be no different. Now if you need me, I'm gonna leave Ponyville, as most likely you will tell everyone and proceed to mock me." I can see you laughing with your eyes reader, don't rub it in. "Joey, don't go. Just today you saved my life! And besides, me and Octy will be real lonely without you." "But... but...." I hate it when you're right Vinyl. "And who will keep me from hooking up with random strangers from a bar?" She has a point. "Ok. Me and Doc will stay. Just promise me you won' tell anyone? It's bad enough the three people reading this know, I don't want anyone really close to me to know I was created in a laboratory." Please please please.... "Fine, but they will accept you for who you are, unlike the internet." Oh god. Well readers. You know the truth. I have one question: The Day the Unicorns Stood StillWelcome back readers, sorry my incompetent writer has decided to download some gaming software or something like that, I don't know, but anyways welcome back. And thus, my forth wall breaking session ends for now. But a new friend who likes to do so rears his ugly head. It was an ordinary day, the day it happened. Except it was a little more clear because I had finally got a job while my writer was busy with his life stuff. But I woke up to this: "Giddy up little horsey!" "Listen kid, you get one of those, and then you die." I do NOT do kiddie rides. I open my eyes more and see a miniature discord sitting on my back. Did I leave the portal to other fan fictions open? Has Super Stallion done a collab? No. My writer would have told me about a good writer doing this beforehand so I would be on my best behavior. "Who are you?" I ask, still half asleep. "Discord's son. Unlike other children I do not have a speech impediment." Makes sense, my writer could barely input my fabulous Boston accent. "Now take me to faraway lands!" Oh my f**king god he did not say that. "If your daddy couldn't turn me into a rubber chicken, you would be dead right now. Do I make myself clear?" I state to the little cretin. "Sure, but he is in trouble for messing with Celestia. Look for your friend Vinyl, I had some fun with a marker with her." OH HELL NAW! Sure enough, I look on the couch and a paralyzed Vinyl Scratch was on the couch with a marker mustache. "Joey, could you bring your friend over here so I can bite him. Also tell Neon I will not be making it to practice." A lesser man- err pony stallion would've taken advantage of her disposition right now but I don't date because I was at one point a human being. "I will go get Twilight or Doc, don't move." Oh carp! (YES I said carp, a fish. Not crap. CARP.) A pun! Everyone knows puns are horrible! How could I be so stupid. "That was so funny, I forgot to laugh. If this kid tries to ride me into Valhalla or whatever it is they ride into, I will bite him." replied a very annoyed Vinyl Scratch. "Hey Twilight! Oh, hey Doc. What are you doing lying around?" I ask a downed Doc Legend. "Oh, nothing. Cursing discord's name and very existence. You do know Twilight moved out, don't you?" Oh man, he's right. "Sorry, I did not. Why did no one tell me?" I ask him. "I thought you knew." Nobody tells me anything. "She slept here a few nights ago." I curiously ask him. "She visits often. She usually sleeps here because she doesn't think she likes being so far from her friends. Now care to stand me up?" I do so. "Sure. What did Discord do exactly?" "He paralyzed all the unicorns 'by accident' he says. Is Vinyl mobile?" "Nope, Discord left me in charge of his kid. When did he get a kid?" "He exploited the writer by threatening him in the real world. He said he would riddle his computer with errors and steal all his hats. He loves his hats." Makes sense. "Now can you still use magic?" "Only teleportation, the irony of it is I can only teleport others. How about I take you to Twilight, and I have a theory to test, touch my hoof." I do so, and in a flash of light we are in Canterlaught. Well Celestia should help us. I almost get into the castle but... "Care to take me with you?" "Sure." Doc needs to eat more healthily is all I have to say. "Next time, eat a salad." "Shut up." When we enter, we see an incapacitated Celestia, Luna, and Twilight. "Hello Joey, nice of you to drop in. Have you seen Discord? I would like a word with him." Celestia calmly asks as I stand her and the rest up. "He left his kid with me and Vinyl. When did he get a baby Draconequus?" I ask her. "This is the first I'm hearing of Discord having a child." Twilight and Luna both reply in unison. "He is very disrespectful." I reply. Then, I hear a disturbingly familiar sound. The very sound that only insane people hear, a whirring, but it felt like it was attempting to control me. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OH GOD MY HEAD! DOC, IT'S BACK! GET OUT OF MY BRAIN! GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!" "Oh god, something horrible is happening. Joey, remain calm. My medicine bag is in the library. I'm gonna- and he lost it." Doc replies. "IT'S IN MY BRAIN! GET IT THE F**K OUT!" At this point I repeatedly bash my head into the wall and soon lose consciousness. I awake several minuets later, and to my surprise, a certain Draconequus was staring down at me. "Geez, that potion was far more powerful than he let on. Poor Joey here is being driven insane. Sorry for all the mischief today, but I thought the potion would be short range once activated. I didn't intend to freeze everypony. Now Celestia, before Joey wakes up and goes on a psychopathic rampage, could you hand me your shampoo?" Discord, I will have your head for this. As I try to speak, only utter nonsense flows from my mouth. "Why hello Joey! How's babysitting going?" "You ___ ShUt Up." That was all I could say before being held down against my will as Discord's diabolical potion ran down my throat, I expected horrible thing to happen, but to my surprise, the whirring noises stopped, and I could speak full sentences. "Thank you, Discord, but if your kid tries to ride me like a horsey, I cannot promise him surviving." "Sure thing, it is much more fun to watch him ride Vinyl instead. She can teleport." "Now unfreeze everyone- everypony before I kill you for making me go temporarily insane. And get some new babysitters." "Will do, now off to your home." He says before whisking me back to the house. The first thing I see is a very decorated Vinyl Scratch, with everything, a moustache, a monocle, and whatever else you could think of. "Tell me you found a way to unfreeze me. I need to teach that brat a lesson." I give her some of the potion discord gave me. "I do not know how long it takes to take effect." I tell her, before a certain brat appears from behind me. "In that case, time for me to enjoy this while it lasts." He then snaps, and Vinyl is right side up, and he begins to ride her like a little cowboy. I have to admit it is kinda cute. "JOEY STOP GIGGLING AND GET THIS LITTLLE GREMLIN OFF ME NOW!" I try to hold back my giggles while trying to catch the little sucker. And then I see a small but familiar potion in his hands, labeled "immobilization potion." I gasp before flying as fast as I could, but too late, I was hit. It starts to take effect from contact on the skin as apposed to drinking it. Jus my luck. Now I am the horse. "VINYL STOP GIGGLING DANG IT!" "I cant help it, it's so cute and so funny. And now I can move, TIME FOR REVENGE!" (The following can not be described as it possibly violates the right of children, but we ill never know for sure if it does so this low budget censor will have to do) "On a side note, reader I am actually physically talking to you, not in my mind this time, but physically. My writer will be gone due to a family crisis. It's up to YOU to..... I don't really know. But I want you to do something. I guess. Goodbye and stay beautiful." "Hey joey who ya talking to?" "Shut up Vinyl this is my moment." Discord in Control! (Part 1 of 2)What the- my forth wall breaking powers are diminishing! Oh sh- Hello bronies, Discord here. I have subdued your author with my little miscreant son and his friend. Unfortunately for you, this means no more colorful pictures, stupid music, and other things this moron of an author adds in. Now is my time to write, so sit back and enjoy the show- err book. [Joey POV] I woke up in the morning with a strange feeling in my stomach. It felt like I was going to vomit. "Ugh, Vinyl could I call in sick today, I don't think I can do my chores right now." I get no response. A few minutes later and I realize Vinyl is not in the room. I get up to investigate, despite my stomach disagreeing with me. "Vinyl, stop hiding, I don't feel good." No response. I look around for about an hour before I give in to the urge to lie down. I was then greeted by a big smile from Discord. He was holding something silvery with an apple on it in his hand. "Why hello there Joey, I see you aren't feeling well." He smugly says. "What the hell did you do to me?!" I yell out to him. "Oh nothing, it's what I'm going to do to you and Ponyville with this little device I have here." He smugly says then points to the device. He then proceeds to tap on it repeatedly. For some odd reason, I get up and do a backflip without trying to. It's as if something made me do it. "We'll what do you know, it works. Now let me put in your friend Vinyl." He says before tapping on his device again. Suddenly, Vinyl appeared out of nowhere. "What the-" she starts, but is interrupted by a now devious looking Discord. "Now to truly test my power. I command you two to kiss!" He diabolically says. At this point I run, but my feet aren't moving. I am somehow being pulled toward Vinyl. Oh my sweet Celestia and God's holy hand grenade no. I try and stop myself, but to no avail. I then in my desperation try to spare myself a lifetime of awkwardness by pulling out my bat and pushing away Vinyl. It works, thank Celestia and God. (And now I realize I started a controversy with that sentence.) "You @$$! You make me stop trying to kiss her or I promise you, I will see to it that you be destroyed by my wrath!" He frowns, realizes his power is limited by others willpower, or atleast mine and my ability to disobey higher powered beings (like you Discord and writer!) and he then taps on his device a few times, and I turn in midair, and proceed to fall on the ground fac- muzzle-first. "Darn your disobeiance to the author. Now time to vist sunbutts and become king." At this point I realize that he has the the IPod that belongs to my can't-afford-better-stuff-cuz-he-is-so-damn-cheap writer! He is godlike now, as what the writer says happens rule! Lucky for me, I disobey my moronic writer so I am safe from his control. "Joey, what's going on? Why am I here, and where is Octy?" A very distraught and scared Vinyl asks me. "He has the writer IPod. He can do whatever he wants. I am gonna need all the help I can get, maybe the editor could help, but for now get Doc." I tell her. She is shaking from fear, who knows what kind of hellish nightmares she saw in the Not Yet Written Into the Story Character Vault. She must be mortified. I reasure her that she is ok. [Meanwhile, with the fabulous and amazing Discord, also this is me, Discord, showing you MY POV] "How did you get so powerful Discord?!" A very weakened Celestia inquires before collapsing. "As if I would tell you, sunbutts." I retort. She hates being called that, and she made that evident by firing one last bolt of magic at me. Luna walks in, but then is frozen in corbonite wheat. Yes wheat, I wrote it so it's true. You have to deal with it, Princess Luna was frozen in wheat. Celestia looked surprised for a moment, then laughed. "AGH! I called the Elements of Harmony on you Discord! Now let me out of this prison!" A muffled princess of the night said. "Do you think I'm afraid of them? I have the power to wipe them from existence now. I might keep your faithful student as a pet when I'm finished with her friends." I retort with a very smug smirk. I then turn all but Celestia's head into stone. "I want you to see your student fail. Also I think you will look quite nice in the garden." "YOU MONSTER!" She screeches. "Hey, atleast I didn't turn you into a potato, or something worse. Now think twice before freezing somepony with an itch they can't scratch." I reply. At this point the Elements storm in. I develop a large grin on my face. "Hello girls. Prepare to be defeated by the awesome power of words!" Everyone except Rainbow and Twilight laughs. And with a few taps, the elements turn into a vase. "Now will you take me seriously?" "What do we do now Twilight?!" Rarity shrieks out. "We fight." She replies. "No you don't." I retort, before turning Rarity into a mannequin, rainbow into a hat, Pinkie into a monocle, Applejack into a sweater-vest, and Twilight into painting. I then teleport fluttershy to a field, far far away in another galaxy. "Now you all can be be together. Shame inanimate objects can't talk. Of course you all would be cursing the day I was born, but it still is a shame. I think I will put you all in the dressing room, next to Celestia's baby photos. You can't hide that blush princess." I smugly say to my once powerful captors. Well audience, if you need me I'm gonna release the writer for a little bit to write the author's note explaining why he took so long. He must be sore from being tied up. Don't worry, I will tie him up again, or maybe I will turn him into something to go with the girls. Ta! Choices and Sickness (Very, very, very important chapter, read for further info)Hello everypony, Discord here! Sorry about what happened with the berries. Also your friend Joey is a little detained today, so this story will be told from Doc Legend's point of view. Also lets hope Joey feels better. Well, never thought this would happen. Remember the amulet that was given to Joey? It was a fake, and it made him very sick. "Hey Joey, how you feeling?" "Like I've been run over by a freight train." He retorts. "Writers are worse than lawyers." "I can't believe you actually thought it would work. How many times has this happened to us?" I ask him. "At least seven. Eight if we count Egypt, but that that was when you were poisoned and unable to stop me. Also how was Pinkie's sister? I never got a chance to meet her." Joey asks me. "She was 'unique' I'll give her that. I think Pinkie hyped her arrival too much." I reply. "Also how is Discord doing? As well as the princesses?" He inquires. "Discord is still not eating any fruits or vegetables. Luna is still avoiding wheat and bread. Celestia avoids the royal garden. Otherwise they are all right. Oh! Rarity is afraid of mannequins now." I inform him. "Also Doc, are you sure you can't heal me?" He asks. "Even if I could, I think you need the rest. We will find that cheating scumbag writer wherever he is. I promise you. Also I heard his story has five thumb downs, he may be taking it off soon, then we will live without every adventure being chronicled. So that's a plus." I tell him. "But won't we cease to exist? And is it ok to insult the writer?" He asks. (Damn writer ran out of synonyms!) "Eh, I'm sure he won't mind. He is a thick-skinned b@**@*d, so f**k him." I say. "Oh and also, readers, what I am going to say is very important. I was told that the writer is going to do something depending on thumb ups and thumb downs, from what it seems, my life is in your hands. I do not mean to be a thumb up w***e, but this is serious. I am not joking, I am not trolling you, I am not pranking you, this is real. My writer has become very self conscious about this story, and if nothing is done, my dear 5 readers, I could die. The choice is yours. This is a test to see if you do care about me, knowing that most will fail, I depend on YOU, the reader, you are different from the others, you will have an impact on me. I cannot stress how serious this is. Now, on with the story!" Joey is absolutely right, and if he goes, I go too. Our lives, in this dimension, depend on the five people who may read this. I know we are probably screwed, but it's up to YOU to make a difference. I assume you understand the severity of our current situation, so on with the story. "So what has the 'doctor' said? Are you gonna live?" I cut right to the chase. "We are unsure, but it seems to be leaning in the negative, so... Yeah. I am most likely screwed. They say the odds are against me, but usually when people say that, you get your own movie." Even when he is faced with death, he is still optimistic. "Well, visiting hours are almost over, so I have to go. I will tell the girls the news. Let's hope you recover, I can't imagine life without my best friend." Dammit, now I'm starting to cry. "DO NOT TELL VINYL! She tends to over react to this kinda stuff. Remember when Octavia gave her a sandwich?" Joey pleads, I nod and leave for Sugar Cube Corner. Only Pinkie Pie can get everyone together for something sad and make it sound more fun. Hours pass, and then the six friends, with the princesses as well enter. "Guys, they still haven't figured anything about Joey's illness, and from the looks of it, his current situation is rather grave." Everypony in the room gasps, besides me of course. "The doctors and hospital staff do not want me to interfere, but they cannot figure the disease out in time, it is not from this planet, nor this dimension. I have a plan, remember the portal? We can use it to enter the writer's realm, no telling where we will end up, but we can attempt to talk to someone from there, maybe they could help, but here is the thing, I have tried many times but have failed to use the portal because my magic alone is not strong enough. I was thinking, if we combine our magic, we can send a signal to someone." Everypony looks at one another, then agrees. We head the the shed of hellish nightmares. "Hey look, it's my old shed!" Fluttershy remarks.My god did we just really make that reference? Once we are inside, everypony stares on awe at the portal. "Now, I will send the message, you all just have to amplify it. Once the random person receives it, we can hopefully establish a back and forth with him or her. All non-magic users, provide moral support. Are we ready?" "YES!" They all shout in unison. I begin my message, and as I finish, I give them the signal. I feel so much power! I feel like I can destroy a whole city just by blinking! The princesses' magic is powerful indeed, but... Discord in Control! (Part 2 of 2)GUYS HE IS TAKING AWAY MY FORTH wall breaking powers. Oh nooo. There. Now I have total control. On with the chapter! [Joey POV] "So you're saying that the silvery thing Discord had controls everything that happens in our dimension?" Vinyl curiously asks me. "Yep." As much as I hate to do it, I'm gonna have to lie to her. If she learns that this world is really a fan fiction that is not cannon, who knows what could happen. "It is an alien device, used to right wrongs. Only time lords, fanboys, and incredibly powerful mages can use it. He thinks he is invincible with it, but I have one of my own. BEHOLD!" I pull out my super old desktop computer (cuz I couldn't get the exclusive rights to anything else that has Internet. As well as a modem, and all the other things required to use Internet. "Don't you think Discord would know about this stuff?" A very suspicious Vinyl asks. "I know right? Maybe Celestia is stopping him." After the required wait time of five minutes, it starts up. I sign in, Username and password as usual, but with something weird at the start. A GIF of discord dancing with a troll face. He must've used my computer and got mad with how slow it was. "What the h**l. WHAT THE H***! I've been censored! **** #%^/ #%^* *+%#!" Oh god, Discord must be behind this! That @#%hole! I have to stop him before he rewrites my chapters, or even worse, me! Luckily, my computer is much faster than usual. I then discover that rat %#~^+=+ deleted all my games and music. I log on to the site. "Undercover Inspector, password •••••••••••••••. Vinyl, I'm in. Now unfortunately, I can't write Discord out of existence. What should we do?" I ask her. "First off, I want Tavi here." She informs me, and out of nowhere, Octavia drops in. "Now bring in the elements of harmony, as well as their users. The elements appear on the kitchen table, then a well decorated mannequin as well as Fluttershy and a painting appears in front of us. "What the- where are the girls?" "I think these are the girls. Discord did something to them." I blurt out, causing Tavi to panic. "Yep. Discord did this. Now calm down... uh what's her name?" I very embarrassed Fluttershy asks. "Octavia." I tell her. "Also you were with Discord when he started to go full on bad guy. What happened to him? I thought he was reformed." I ask Fluttershy. "All I remember was he said he found this dark blue... thing, it smelled delicious but I had just eaten so I politely declined. He ate it then... well I'm not sure what happened. He disappeared, then came back with a human and the silvery thing he has now. I don't know why I didn't tell anybody, but for some reason, after he tapped A few times I felt like nothing needed to be said." Oh my god and Celestia. "Powerlust berries." Not this %#^ again. "What?" The three girls all say in unison. "Powerlust berries, they corrupt the whoever gets as much as a single taste of them. They are incredibly addicting, and the more you eat, the stronger you get. There are two kinds, red and blue. Red promotes physical strength, and now I know what blue does." I inform the girls. "That isn't really Discord being evil, it's the berries?" Asks Fluttershy. "Yes". I turn the others back to normal. I attempt to normalize Discord, but I get a message saying 'Nice try.' "And what's worse is I can't fix the berries. Discord must have sealed off any otherworldly influence from affecting himself." "So we have to take him down the old fashioned way?" Twilight asks me. "That won't work. Knowing him, he probably nullified them, or sapped their power." I regrettably inform her. "But you can't destroy energy, and if he comes in contact with the elements, he gets hurt." ^%+#it Twilight, nobody wants to learn. "Well you're right. So hopefully they will work. And if not I have. my gun... Never mind I don't have it. Sneaky Discord. Hey why do I feel like I'm forgetting something?" Then it dawns on me. "DOC!" I write him in immediately. "The #%^+ just happened? And why am I censored?" A very dazed and confused Doc Legend asks. "Powerlust berries. So how was the vault?" I ask him. "Still #%@$ up. Now what the #%^l do we do?" He asks me. "I have a plan, it will involve stealth, boxes, and walkie-talkies." (Soon, everyone is wearing bodysuits and in front Celetia's former home.) "Now I want the elements to follow me, as well as Doc. You two ladies stay here." "Why do we have to stay here?" Vinyl pouts. "Because I don't want my sweet roommates to get hurt if the plan goes awry." I tell her. "Now if things go bad, use my computer to write us into the story. Doc imbued the elements with a special spell, they will be alright. I'm going because I need to confirm the berries are gone from his mind. Also I need to find the human to 'talk' to him." I have a few things to say to the writer that we all know and hate. You do hate him don't you? Too bad I can only see you and not hear you. (Idiot writer POV) Oh god I pulled a vanity didn't I? Still dark, nothing but my face illuminated by a dimly lot IPod Touch screen.been this way for weeks, still haven't updated my blog. What took me so long, for real? I already told you. If there is one thing Rebbeca Black has taught us, it's that sometimes people love to hate. And I am fine with being the lightning rod. For the many jokes about my stupidity will continue to... "Yeah yeah Shakespeare, now if you're so 'good' with your words then tell me, why the hell did you turn me into a pony?" A familiar face asks. "Cause it's my way of revenge. For all the insults you throw at me." I retort. "First off, what you pulled was a reverse My Little Dashie 4, second #%$k you. Now write in a way for me to turn human or you will rot in this prison." You @#% Joey. "Fine. But I can't guarantee you will live." "Shut up, it's my story so if I die you'll pull a d$&@#bag move out of you're @#% to keep the story from ending there." From this point in the story, Joey may die and STAY dead at anytime. "Ok @&$hole, you die and you're on you're own. No d-bag writer moves, no more revival tiaras, no golden revival tacos. Game the &@#k over when you die. No retrys, no restarts, no second chances. All you. Get is what you have now. Now send me back to MY planet Earth." I tell Joey. He looks annoyed but nods. "Now before I send you home, I need two things that allow me and Doc to become human and pony on command, we have gotten a little used to our current forms." He asks. I write in two amulets. "Now no more charity from me, don't expect me to help you again or anytime soon." I inform him. We then head toward Discord's throne room. We open the doors to find the mane 6 defeated, but with my writing, they are healed. (In case you were wondering how I'm writing, it's because I am using my phone.) After some time, the berries effect wears off, and Discord reverts back to normal. "Ugh, what happened? All I remember is eating some berries and feeling renewed." We'll he has no memory of what he has done, so we explain to him what happened. "Oh dear, I didn't hurt anypony did I?" I can tell he's faking it, but the girls and Joey let him go. Everything is fixed and things go back to the way they were before this ordeal with the berries. All berries were soon destroyed and am sent home. The moment before I save the story, my battery dies. After about an hour, everything I have just told you is written.
Basic Flying and Advanced SpellsWelcome friends, it's me Joey! I have learned how hard it is to type when you don't have fingers, and currently I'm learning to fly, and learning how saying "anybody" is no longer acceptable in society. Now get some popcorn, some soda, and a comfortable spot on the couch, because this is gonna be painful for me. Hope your happy writ- "Joey, are you gonna sit on your butt all day or are you gonna learn to fly?" Goddammit Dash you interrupted my conversation with this lovely reader! Oh well now to put on correct music for this, now all I gotta do is just fly away from here! Ok, inspirational music check. "Okay, fine! Just repeat what you said." Let's see how many trees I crash into today. So far my record is three. "Now remember, flap both your wings at the same time, don't look down, and see yourself making sonic rainbooms and you will be flying like a pro in no time!" Maybe I should have borrowed Twilight's book on bird anatomy. "Here goes!" I yell, and hey! What do you know, I'm actually hovering! "Hey look at that! Now let's find a cliff. It's best if you're high up before attempting to actually fly. I mean, if you aren't a pro like me." Oh Dashie, you are so vain. We find a cliff, a nice... big... one... oh god this pony is going to get me killed. "Are you sure about this, D- D- Dashie? I mean not like I'm scared or anything, but this mountain is so big, and I happen to prefer living over dying." I am not afraid of heights but geez this is a little high up. "Are you kidding! I learned to fly here, Twilight did too! If anything, this is the perfect place! Now I recommend you get some momentum." Well I am a fast runner. They don't call me "scout" for nothing. I get a running start, open my wings and..... I freeze up. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING! GET THOSE WINGS A GOING! OR ATLEAST AIM FOR THE TREE, IT ILL BREAK YOU FALL!" I put my arms out, flap as hard as I can, close my eyes, and I pray that my neck doesn't break when I hit the ground. I notice I haven't heard a cracking sound and I open my eyes. Thank god, I'm just in a tree. "Maybe we should call it a day. I mean, I'm not scared but I learned to hover so that's one thing." Are you kidding! With a little more hard work, you will be flying in no time. Now take it from the top..." This is gonna be a long day. ***************************************************************************************************************** *meanwhile with Doc* "Gee, you already went through another spell book, you are a prodigy Doc!" Twilight tells me. "Well my teachers always told me I was a quick learner. And I am learning from the best! Now hen are we going to get to the advanced spells! We are running out of basic spellbooks!" I don't want another short day! I already got to volume twelve in a week! "I don't know, but I'm sure Celestia will be happy when I tell her about your progress. Maybe for now you can check on Joey with the teleport spell you just learned." I think Twilight maybe jealous of my progress. Oh well. I teleport to Joey and see him falling off a cliff. "HEY RAINBOW! HOW'S JOEY DOING!" I yell to her from all the way down here. HE'S DOING GOOD! HE LEARNED HOW TO HOVER! NOW TAKE A FEW STEPS AWAY FROM THE TREE! I do as I am told. But there is no need. "YOUR DOING IT JOEY! YOUR DOING IT! YOU'RE FLYING!" I teleport to the top of the cliff to congratulate him. "Hey featherbrain, open your eyes! you're flying!" I think I am getting pony slang down. "WHOOT! Now quick question, how do I stop!" Oh dear. "Either find a nice tree, or go to the cliff!" And right on cue, he crashes right into the cliff. "Don't worry I got it." And just like that I teleport to me. "Next time, try not to break your neck, ok silly goose?" That's Pinkie's nickname for him. "Shut up and heal me Doc." The best thing about this place is their medicine. It's just like PING you're broken leg is healed. "Ok, is that better? remember I'm new to this magic thing." I may be new but I am good. "Twilight says you go through a few spell books everyday. Now could you just fix me?" At this point I blush. "Well I am a quick learner. Now hold still, aaaaaand PING now you feel better now you big baby?" Joey is NOT happy with me now. "Shut your ass up Doc." Yep. He is pissed. "I'm going back to Vinyl's so I can get some sleep. Tell Twilight you have not mastered healing." Well at least his leg is better. "Hey! Don't you wanna fly some more!?" Dashie is eager to have another flying friend it seems. "Dash, I think Joey's done for the day. As am I, I'm going to reread that book on healing magic." I tell her. "But it's not even noon!" Eh, we will never understand Joey. By the time I get to Twilight's tree, she has already finished up the report. "Hey Twilight, what happens when you botch up a healing spell but no physical harm is done?" I innocently ask her. "The patient sees a horrifying image of a traumatic experience. It hardly ever happens though, why did you ask?" She seems eager to find out if I did something wrong. "I healed Joey and he seemed shook up afterword." I say to her like it's no big deal. "He'll be fine. Remember when Rainbow Dash died, he recovered from the initial shock of that didn't he?" she says to me. "You're right. What day is it? Today seems like it is something important." I ask her. "The day before Hearts and Hooves Day." she tells me. "Oh, then remind me tomorrow to have flowers sent to Derpy's house under the name: Joey Bonk. We always prank each other on your version of Valentine's Day." I tell her. We always have something planned. No doubt Joey will do something like this. "Ok. And if anypony comes to the door, I will send them to you." She says to me.
Love (Potion) in the AirHappy Valentine's day / Hearts and Hooves Day! Yay! And thus ends my forth wall breaking for today. I wake up in the morning of this world's version of Valentine's Day to Vinyl standing up on my bed. "Ugh Vinyl, whaz goin on?" I ask her, still barely awake. "It's Hearts n Hooves Day darling. Now wake up, you and I are going to have a 'romantic' day because Octy says I need more guy friends. Promise me you will pretend to like me like that?" Oh this will surely go well. I agree because I am still half asleep. "Now wake up sleepyhead." She slaps me. "GAH WHAT THE FU-" She covers my mouth with her hooves. "SHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I obey. "So how's this gonna work? We aren't gonna, you know, well uh you know. Um engage in THAT sort of-" she covers my mouth and nods. If I liked you that way I would be more discreet about it, now follow my lead." Oh god I just realized how bad an actor I am. We walk out into the living room "Heya Octy! Me and Joey here are gonna spend the day together. I think we are gonna go to the fair first. What say you Joey?" Well, thank goddess this isn't the first time I have been in a fake relationship. "Yeah, we'll get some punch, ride the Ferris Wheel, and check out the video games they have!" I say enthusiastically. "Ok Octy, we'll be heading out!" She says to Octavia. As we approach the fair, we get some punch, as Vinyl didn't get anything to drink this fine morning. Little did we know, the CMC had tampered with the punch right before we got there. ************************************************************* (meanwhile, with Doc) "So you are the esteemed Doctor Whooves I have been hearing about? What a coincidence! I'm a doctor too!" I tell him. "So anyways please don't send her the roses. A great calamity involving love triangles will ensue." This guy reminds me of Joey minus the Boston accent and a lot more calm. "Ok, sorry by the way, who thought a harmless prank would spiral out of control like that!" Now if you would mind, I need to beg Twilight to let me read her book of advanced spells. Good day sir!" I tell him. As I leave I see Vinyl and Joey kiss. It's a sight that no matter would I do, nothing could never erase it. "GOOD JOB MAN!" I yell to him, before bumping into the Doctor again. "Do you smell that?" he asks me, he seemed kind of worried. He then sees the display of affection Joey and Vinyl share. "Hey, I thought you said he wouldn't date anyone here?" "He wouldn't. I assumed Vinyl had seduced him." I tell him. "Nope. That's potent love potion. He is not in control of his actions. That explains the smell. Grade A refined love potion. We need to get him out of there." "I couldn't agree more. HEY JOEY C'MERE!" He motions for me to go away. "IT'LL IMPROVE YOUR CHANCES WITH YOUR GIRL!" He runs straight to me at practically the speed of light "Let's go gift shopping. I know the perfect shop. "Hey Doctor, how long did you say I have to keep him away?" I whisper to him. "Because of it's potency, the effect its stronger but lasts shorter. It will be an hour." Well at least it isn't a day. I just, god I will never get that salvia swapping fest out of my brain. Jesus, now shippers will have a field day about this. "Let's hurry, I don't want to be away from my dame any longer than I have to. Where's the shop man. " He obviously doesn't want to leave here. Now if I stall any longer with my fake store thing, he's gonna catch on. I take him into Carousal Boutique. "Aw c'mon, I thought you said you were gonna take me somewhere new." Thank goddess Rarity wasn't in the room until now. "Heya Rare, Joey's looking for something for his girl I think the cutie mark crusaders experimented with love potions again help me!" I nonchalantly tell her. "Ok darling who is she? Derpy? Rainbow Dash?" She knows the student teacher relationship is sacred! "Nah, it's that gorgeous Vinyl Scratch. She's so-" I leave the room before shipping intensifies. You sick bustards! Taking advantage of this moment to draw r34 and s*!t like that. Ugh, now I need a way to erase that out of my brain. ************************************* (meanwhile with the Doctor. Doctor Whooves pov) "So basically, I cured you with this elixir, so do you remember anything, Vinyl?" I ask. "All I remember is a dream where me and Joey lip-locked. That didn't actually happen did it?" Unfortunately I must tell her the truth. "Yes you did. Knowing the potions affects, you might have even tried to do THAT to him." Ugh, I hate talking about this sort of thing. "OH MY SEET CELESTIA WE DIDN'T DO IT DID WE!?" She seems highly upset. "Luckily no." I tell her and am I am replied with a sigh of relief. "Is Joey still under the effects?" She curiously asks. "Yes. I am using him to get back at Mr. Legend for messing with Derpy. It should be wearing off any second now, and due to it wearing off over time, he will have no memory of this, but just a vivid daydream of you every now and again." I inform her. "Dude, for a time lord, you sure are mischievous." Well I am quite a prankster. "So now that everything is settled, do you want to rejoin your friend?" obviously she would, but I ask anyway. "Sure, but never speak of this again. Now you should go and fix the other ponies. While Joey and I head home." Oh no she's right! "Now if you'll excuse me, I have some elixirs to make." I say before I trot off to Zecora's hut. ************************************* (Joey pov) "Ugh, my head! Vinyl, what happened, and why is mouth wet, and why do I sense people making porn starring me and you in it?" I say. My senses NEVER lie. "Long story, but let's just ride the Ferris Wheel together, as friends." She says to me with her cute eyes. Purple always was my favorite color besides blue. "Ok, but I want answers.
Advanced flying and basic healingWelcome Back! How was your Hearts n Hooves Day? I had a strange one, all I remember is getting a drink of punch, then me and Vinyl become romantically involved. But that was obviously a dream, as I would never date anyone here. "Hey Octavia, what's going on?" I ask her, eager to see if she knew anything. "You sleeping with Vinyl." Ok- "WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????" OH GOD WAS I DRUNK? DID SOMEONE SPIKE THE PUNCH? (Oh god I'm stealing jokes) I then wake up from my nightmare to find Vinyl and (Please let me still be wearing my clothes) Oh thank god. I am NOT ready to be a dad just yet. Wait what? "Hey Vinyl, you mind telling me what you are doing in my bed, and not in yours?" I ask her. "Sleepover?" She uses the dreaded face I can't stay mad at. "Ok but, uh we didn't, uh well, I don't have to worry about being a father do I?" Please for the love of Celestia... "Heavens no! We are just friends! If I wanted that, I would've taken you to a bar and then spiked your drink." A little too honest there, princess. "Besides, two friends can't just sleep together?" "Well they can, but tell me next time. I almost thought I would have to borrow parenting books from Twilight. But seriously what the hell happened yesterday? "Long story, and I think you would make a great dad. You're protective enough." "Okay. Now I'm gonna hang with Rainbow and learn how to fly. Or more specifically, what to crash into." I leave after doing the dishes in the dubstep dishwasher and make them coffee. "Ok Dashie, I got flying down pat. Now teach me to land." I know I can do this. "Ok, the trick is to hover before you land, like this." After a few speeches and tricks and gimmicks to the secret to landing effectively, she shuts up. In a few seconds, I am landing like a pro. "Now how about tricks, like how to do a barrel roll (press the L or R button twice) and the sonic rainboom." I cannot wait to dazzle Doc with my new tricks. "Ok, DO A BARREL ROLL! (press L or Aw you get it.)" I successfully do a barrel roll without a controller. I then proceed to ace all the tricks, besides the buccaneer blaze and the fantastic filly flash, her two best moves. "Hey, at this rate you'll be at my level in no time! Now the trick for the sonic rainboom is to build up momentum." "Yeah yeah, NOW LETS DO THIS LEEEEEEEEEEEROY JEEEEEEEEENKINS!" I speed toward the earth- err whatever planet this is. "Almost there!" I say before a cone develops around me, and I... get thrust back into the air. Gravity be damned. "So close! Same thing happened to me when I tried it one time. But when the situation calls for it you will be ready. Also who is Leeroy Jenkins?" HOW CAN SHE NOT KNOW HIM?! "One of the most famous people alive. Known for ruining a complex and highly thought out plan by rushing in. He's a meme." There, that's an internet history lesson for you. "Okaaaay, now just keep trying to do a sonic rainboom, you'll get it eventually. After 15 more fails and 16 1\2 broken ribs. I go back to Doc. "Hey Joey, you're getting blood all over Twilight's carpet!" Goddammit Doc. "Just shut up and heal me, I've been breaking trees and ribs all day." at this point I fall over, cringing in pain. IT HURT. A LOT. "Ok, hold still, I'm going o use an advanced healing spell, most doctors don't do this, I will warn you now." "Shut up and use your horn." I tell him. "And.." In a flash of light, my ribs are alright. "There. Now I recommend you get lots of rest. The reason most doctors don't do this is because you cannot move for a day, and are severely weakened in that time. So that is why you will bunk here for the night. Twilight has an extra bedroom, mostly in case some catastrophe should befall our beloved library, but she also turned into an extra study with a bed." He lifts me with his magic. It feels so freaking weird, its like being covered in cold air, or something. The spell took away my movement, but not my feeling, interesting. And now we are here. "Doc, do me a favor." I ask him kindly. "What's that?" "Never ever lift me with magic again or so help me I will destroy you. And remind me to put on pants tomorrow." He breaks out into a fit of laughter. "OH GROW UP!" "Sorry," he says, trying to hold in his laughter, "but I must inform Vinyl." "DON'T YOU DARE! I WILL NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT!" I SWEAR TO GOD DOC! I SWEAR TO GOD! "Ok fine, I will just tell her you went drinking, and found a nice girl in an alleyway." You are such an ass Doc. "If you say anything to her, I WILL kill you." I tell him. "Oh look at that, you're already regaining control of your arms. Good night sweet prince." YOU ASS! ***************************************************************** The very next day, from Doc's pov "And so Vinyl that's why Joey couldn't come home. He was immobilized by my spell, if he kept moving, he would've broken something else. Please do not mention this to him, he hated every second of it. And let him take it easy with the chores, he still is a little fragile." I tell her and pray she doesn't does what I say. "Okay, I will let the dude get plenty of rest. Here is an extra pair of his clothes." She says, then hands me them. I thank her and trot to Joey, he will be eager to wear them. "Hey joey, I got your clothes, I'll just leave them here for you." Its so funny to see Joey helpless. Makes me forget Pinkie showed him how to shoot as a pony. "You now I can't move right?" "Oh yeah, the spell should be wearing off any time now, I recommend you give yourself time to heal naturally. The spell just revitalizes you, it doesn't fully heal you. But your ribs should grow back." No they won't, but I gave him a healing potion in his orange juice. "Hey, I can move! Now get the hell out while I get dressed." I do as he says. "Now I'm gonna go to Vinyl's and listen to some music. If I hear a word about the what happened yesterday, I will destroy you." I leave the room and go back to Twilight. "Hey Twi, do you have any books on healing spells?" Of course she does. "Yep, hey Spike, get me the three volumes on healing spells, and since you asked nicely Doc, spike also get me that book on advanced spells." WHOOT! Now I can finally learn from the very best! Age spells, fighting spells, heals spells, SPELLS GALORE! ************** 3 volumes of healing spell books later "Whoo! Hey Twilight, thanks for the book." I can guarantee that sentence has never been said and the speaker has meant it. "No problem Doc, how far along are you?" She asks in her usual sweet tone. "I just finished the 3 volumes of healing spells. Now I'm gonna get a jump on those advanced spell." "That's nice." She seems a little more smug than usual. I open the book and find just about everything! Fireballs, lightning, age spells, advanced magical shields, and magical item registry! Basically a wizarsd's handbook however it only takes me a second to get stumped on the age spell. I conjure up an item with a new spell from the book so I can test out my age spell. "I shall now turn this plant into a seedling!" Twilight looked surprised, and as I fired a bolt from my horn, Twilight conjured up a shield over her and spike. As soon as the bolt hits the plant it bounces off, and heads for me. Luckily I prevented it from hitting me by summoning another item. A diamond, but it turned back into coal as soon as it got hit. "Be more careful next time, I forgot to mention, age spells only work on ponies or, no evidently diamonds." Well now I know. And knowing is half the battle, so I guess it's a win? "Funny, if it hit me I would have regressed into a three month old foal. But Super Stallion is only allowed to pull that off right." Twilight looked confused at me for a second. "You should hang out with Pinkie a less often." But it's true. "I'm gonna go and practice my spells in an open field." I tell her. "Okay, there is a nice one just on the other side of the Everfree Forest." She does know that is the most dangerous place in Equestria doesn't she? No she must think I am a very capable mage if I am good enough to get through there unharmed. I teleport to Zecora's hut. I must be halfway there. I keep walking, I pass the swamp where the alligator that knocked me out is. "Heya toothy!" I yell out to him. For an alligator, he is surprisingly docile. I arrive at the field where Fluttershy usually picks flowers. "Time to test out a fireball." I fire it into the air, SUCCESS! **************************************** Hours of spell casting success lator "WHOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I teleport to Twilight so I can tell her that her student has mastered the spell book. "Heya Twi! I finished the spell book! Got anymore?" I ask, eager to learn more. "Nope. You now know all the spells know, the only way to further your knowledge would be to learn from Celestia herself. i will put in a good word for you. But now, you should call it a day.
Booze and SecretsWelcome reader, Joey here! This chapter, we learn why Mondays are evil, and why you should not drink and or drive. Also, important message about why you should not drink if you are too young at the bottom. "Hey Vinyl, what day is it?" I ask, while still in my half-asleep state. "The seventeenth, now give me 5 more minuets." Oh good god and Mormon Jesus the comedian no. "Oh good god no. Vinyl, where's my shotgun?" Time to call Doc and tell him it's that time of the year again. "In your closet. Now lemme sleep, wake me up when Neon gets here." Ugh I do not want a repeat of last time this happened to me. "Vinyl, you can not leave the house today. Call your friend and reschedule." "Now I know I must be dreaming. What did you say Joey?" She says, I can definitely hear the sass in her voice. "Call your friend and tell him to reschedule for tomorrow. It is too dangerous today." Not gonna let any of my new friends die. "What's going on?" She asks, finally awake. "It's that time of the year, and too many things are going good. Every year, when I think I'm safe, it's always around this time something goes and ruins my life." EVERY FREAKING TIME "What do you mean?" She asks innocently. "Today, my squad died, my best friend died the year after that, the rest of my friends died the next year after that, and so that's why I'm worried. Call Doc and tell him to round up the girls and get them to meet me here." Do not fight me when it comes to this Vinyl. "Joey, I think you're paranoid." Oh god. "Last person who said that was my friend Billy, right before he took a bullet to the face. I do not want to lose you Vinyl. Or anyone for that matter. But it's the same thing every year, 'Joey relax, you're just paranoid.' then BOOM! People die." I can still see him with his cool face on, talking to ladies. "If that were the case, wouldn't I be dead by now?" You have a point there sweetheart. "Maybe you're lucky. I'll tell you what, if you're sooo worried, I'll take you out and show you that we have nothing to worry about. Sound cool?" She then makes her cute face I can never say no to. "Fine, but I want Doc with me at all times. His Knowledge of magic should come in handy." I would also appreciate a medical professional to stay with us, should anything happen. "I'm a unicorn too you know." She obviously wants alone time. "But he took 4 years of medical school." I retort. "And should something happen, I want you safe." "Fine, if it makes you feel better." She replies. We Head over to Twilight's library. "Hey Doc, it's that time of the year. Tell the other girls to watch their backs. We are gonna spend the day with Vinyl, afterward check on everyone and keep them safe. And don't tell Vinyl the second reason for why this day is so important." I whisper to him. "Ok Joey, but they will find out eventually. And I am sure they will-" I cut him off before he could even entertain that thought. "Look, if you tell them, I will kill you, I don't care if you are my friend. Got it pal?" I tell him in an unusually serious tone. "Ok, but if you tell them now, you could prevent it from snowballing." Shut the f**k up Doc. "Look, you don't have to worry about it because you aren't like me. You weren't made in a lab. If they learn, they might not accept me for me anymore. I have come too far, Heinz. Too. Far. Now if you tell her or anyone, I will end you." I do not like being so grim with Doc, but this instance called for it. "Now let's go." "Finally! So where to? That fancy French place? Sugar Cube Corner?" Wha-. "I thought you were taking us somewhere?" I legitimately did. "Nah. That was to get you out of the house. So where to?" I heard a about a new bar. "Well this bar opened up, and I thought 'why not?' So you in?" Doc is not much of a drinker, so I am counting on him to get us home. "Why not? It's been a while since I went to a bar." Alright! *********************************************************************** (One Alcoholic Cider Drinking Contest later) ZA le WHO Bah leegh bar, mon Jeagerman. (Translation Oh god, even my thoughts are drunk) "Hey there girl, you must be Vinyl, how bout a round of drinks, on me?" FOOBAR! (translation AW HELL NAW!) "Hey! Hey you! Fuggof my girl! Shez wit meh! I'll kill yah if you touch her!" "Shuddap Joeh! I kin make mah own deciszons! Now whazzat about drinks?" "Oh good god Joey, I go to the bathroom for one second and already you're piss drunk!" "Shuddap Dawk, helme get princess her away frum her boyfriend!" "Shudup Joeh! I kin date who evuur I want!" "They onleh want yah fur yah bodeh! I'd treat yah rite, but my rules furbod et." "Jesus! Both of you are coming home with me now!" "Here's mah numbah! Call meh kay?" ******************************************************** (at Vinyl's house) "Hey Octavia, take your drunk lovebirds back." "I AINT HER BOY FRIEND DAWK!" "Shudup, you know you want me." "Let me guess, you tried the new bar didn't you Vinyl." "It wuz Joeh's idea." "Tru. Mah bad." "Ugh, now I'm going to have to Re-reschedule Neon. Joey, as punishment for getting Vinyl drunk, you will have extra chores all next week. "Eh, I deserve it. Sorreh Vinyl." I can feel mah thoughts clear. Still a little drunk, so sorreh if there are any occasional flub-ups. "Ok, beautiful, looks like you and me are sharin a bed togethah" "Vinyl, stop trying to seduce me, Octy gave me a potion. Why haven't you drank yours?" "Cuz ur sexy!" "Vinyl, you know my rules, I don't date here." She now attempts her cute face, but she kinda messes it up. "If it's that time of the month, just tell me." "Ur no fun." "You're drunk." "Ur beautiful." "If you're gonna try and stroke my ego, it won't work." "Then I'd like to-" "THIS IS RATED TEEN VINYL!" Nice try. "Now if you need me I'm gonna be on the couch." And this is why I now only drink in solitary. Jesus, it's like the universe WANTS me to date, BUT I will NEVER date. If I did, I may as well get married, but I was human before, so if I date them now, that would imply to the readers that I had this planned out. Oh god, they haven't left yet. Hey guys, Joey here. Now if you are not 21 or the legal age of drinking in your country or where you live, please do not drink alcohol. You will get drunk, try to seduce your friends, and agree to do stuff you would never do if you weren't drunk. Many people die from drinking and driving, not to mention the people who die from kidney and liver failure. I don't advocate underage drinking, or drinking and driving. So please wait until you are the required age before going to a bar. I do not want my writer to get sued, even if he is an idiot. So please, don't drink if you're not allowed to. Ok guys? Even though I doubt you will head my advice and probably thumb down the chapter, just don't ok? Remember, no underage drinking and no drinking and driving. I don't want you to get hurt. Now stay awesome.
Hangovers and CelebrationsOh GOD my f**king HEAD! Octy said it would hurt but DAMN it hurts. Oh sorry reader. Continue on. "Oh GODESS! Joey what happened last night?" A very hung-over Vinyl asks me. "I got in a drinking contest and you tried desperately to get with me. Don't worry, that was after Octy gave me and you a potion of brief sobriety which you didn't drink." Ow my head. "So do I gotta worry about kids or what?" she asks me. "No, now let's just go back to sleep princess." I tell her. "Oh, I see you two are awake. Not very fun when you're hung-over now is it?" Says a smug Octavia. "Shut up Octy, our heads are killing us. Remind me never to get in a drinking match with a guy who has a picture of vodka for a cutie mark." (some of the people are so weird) "I hope you realize binging all night isn't very good for you. Vinyl, I expected you to have learned this lesson already. Joey, I thought you would've been a good influence on Vinyl." Octavia disappointingly says. "Sorry, I thought she had the day planned, but she didn't and the first thing that came to mind was the bar." I tell her. "Leave him alone Octy, I shoulda told him you wouldn't ant me drinking." Vinyl cut in. "Sorry Octavia, if I had known, I never would have taken her there." I honestly reply. "Well she is a party animal isn't she?" You are right about that Octy. "Sorry." Vinyl does the cute face. "Eh I forgive you. Octy I think we should all put this behind us." I go for it. "Your little cute face may work on Joey, but it won't work on me. Nice try. Joey, your punishment is lifted, Vinyl's still stands." So close! "Sorry princess. Now Octy, Could you tell Rainbow DASH I can't make it to today's lessons?" I ask her, and attempt to mimic Vinyl's cute face with little success. "Ok, fine.... She said as long as you give it 110% tomorrow." Octavia tells me. "Thanks." ************************************** (Doc pov) "- and that's why I was late back." I tell Twilight. "Well Vinyl is a bit of a drinker. Also you got a letter from Celestia. Why don't you read it?" Oh yay I love mail. "Dear Doc Legend, I am proud to inform you that I will teach you alongside my most faithful student Twilight Sparkle. She tells me you are a quick learner. I cannot wait to see how you do in the coming months." "I GOT ACCEPTED WHOOT!!!!!! HEY TWILIGHT I GET TO LEARN ALONGSIDE YOU WHEW! Does this mean I get my own assistant?" Twilight looks at me disapprovingly as I finish that last statement. "Only if you find a dragon egg in the wild." As Twilight finishes her sentence, Spike walks in the room. "Hey guys, what's with all the yelling?" He asks curiously. "I am an official student of Celestia. We were talking about dra-" Twilight covers my mouth before I can finish. "Yay! Official student yay! Now go to sleep, Pinkie is throwing him a party later." She obviously doesn't want to talk about hatching dragons. "WHAT HAPPENED I HEARD PARTY!" I hear this as I get ambushed from a ceiling Pinkie. "How did you go through the ceiling?" I ask, curious to know how one travels through solid matter. "What'sgoingoniheardpartyTwilightwhatarewecelebrating." Oh god she is too quick. "I am now an official student of Celestia." I immediately regret saying this as it is followed by: "ERMAHGAWD WE NEED TO THROW YOU A PARTY TODAY!" "OH MY GOD WILL YOU KEEP IT DOWN I HAVE A HANGOVER HERE!" "It's only 8am. you have time to plan a party, I will go for a lovely stroll around Ponyville." I say as I trot off. "Hey Doc! How are ya!" I am greeted by Rainbow Dash as I leave. "Good. How are lessons going with Joey?" I ask, eager to know how he is doing. "He's doing good, but is having some trouble pulling off a sonic rainboom. He needs the right motivation I think." I am a little disturbed by that comment Dashie. "He'll get it eventually. He always does. I have seen him do a deca jump (10 jumps) before. He can do that. Let's continue the conversation at the bar, Wait are you older than 21?" I do not want to get caught up in any illegal stuff. "Yeah." AWRIGHT "But promise me you won't get piss drunk while I'm in the restrooms like Joey did ok?" I say, not wanting a repeat of last night. "Ok. But take me home if I get too drunk." How the? "I do not have wings." And I don't want her drunk, flying around at night. "It's not like we are going for new world record aren't we?" She has a point. And I learned my lesson's when it comes to drinking contests back home. We arrive in the bar, and I am greeted with the guy from last night. "Hey, good job baggin' that one man!" "She is a friend of mine sir, I would never. Also Vinyl asks you to stop calling her." "Whatever. Tell prettyboy if he wants a fight next time to say it to my face." I dislike the guy. ************************************************************************************ (Oh god here we go again) "Dashie! I thought we agreed not to get in any drinking contests!" Ugh, women. "Shuddap, I'm teh bez dere iz, yew cnt stawp meh from bein da best!" (oh good god I may as well start a babysitting service for drunkards at this rate) "Now, c'mere, I wanna hug ya!" "Thank god you didn't get vodka. Now you are gonna sleep with- you are going to sleep at Twilight's house. I'll sneak you in." We remain undetected, and just as I leave my room, with an unconscious Rainbow Dash in it, SUPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CONGRATULATIONS DOC!" Oh god. "Aww, guys! you didn't have to!" Curse my conveniently bad memory! "I wanted to invite everyone, but Joey was sick and I couldn't find Dashie! But I made do! Whadja think! Where you surprised!?" "I certainly was! Now where's the cake." "Hello, my new student. How are you settling in?" Sunbutt asks me. "Good, everyone here sure is nice. You don't happen to have any spare spell books for this eager student?" "As a matter of fact, I have it right here with me. Now you and Twilight share." Yay books! "We will princess, we will." Well Twilight is officially jealous of me. "Anybody else smell alcohol?" And then, the worst happens. "Hey guys, Whad I miss?" a drunken Rainbow Dash sputters in. It's times like this I thank goddess for that spare sobriety potion Octavia gave me is in the closet. "HEY EVERYONE LET'S PLAY A GAAME CALLED 7 MINUETS IN HEAVEN ME AND DASHIE WILL GO FIRST." As Dash begins to awkwardly position herself, I pour the potion down here throat. "What the- What's going on?" she asks. "You tried to sleep with me and luckily before you could I poured a potion down your throat and now you're sober. Speak of this again and so help me I will destroy you." Before she could say anything to make the moment more awkward, we burst out of the closet. "Hey! That was the super short bonus round, unfortunately we shall no longer play 7minuetsinheaven any more." I say to the crowd, amazingly everyone shrugs it off. I bump into Celestia by the punch bowl. "Hey Doc?" she leans in. "Y-y- Yes?" I nervously ask. "I know." Oh god.
Motivation and the REAL Origins of JoeyOh god the title. Dashie, what did you do. "I wake up in da morning feeling like-" Vinyl puts her hoof over my mouth before I could finish. "Octy's asleep. Let's sneak out." I could tell from the mischievous smile on her face that she had something planned. "Ok, but we are not going to a bar." I say, not wanting another titanic hangover. "Okay, I was thinking, well since you can fly... can you show me Cloudsdale?" Oh no, the dreaded cute face, my only weakness. "Fine, just hang on tight- a little less tight my dear?" The things I do for you Vinyl. "Up, up, and awaaaay!" And thus, we ascend into the morning air. "And here is the rainbow factory, but between you and me, that place gives me the creeps. And here is the sta-" Just then a pony wisps past me, causing me to spiral out of control for a few seconds. "WATCH WHERE YO- VINYL!" I notice the weight on my back was a little lighter than it was a minuet ago. I look down and see Vinyl, plummeting towards the ground. "TRY TO FALL A LITTLE SLOWER!" I yell out. Of course this would happen. "JOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEY! HEEEEEEEEEEEELP!" she screams, I rush down as fast as I can, I can see the cone forming, and I can feel my weight shifting, and.... BOOM! Rainboom that is. YEEEEEAH. "So, princess, how's it feel?" I ask her. "How's what feel?" "Going at mach 10 speeds on the second pony to ever do a sonic rainboom, princess?" never before have I felt this at peace. "AWESOME! WAY TO GO JOEY!" Today is a good day, and it's not even noon! "Now let's land, my wings are going to give out if I keep this up." We land the very cliff I learned to fly at. "Now tell Dash I pulled off a sonic rainboom. I'm just gonna collapse on the ground for a minuet." Oh man the ground has never felt so good. {_______________________Vinyl P.O.V.______________________} "HEY DA- Let me guess. Hangover?" She nods. Ugh. Lightweight. "Well take this, it will cure you. Also Joey pulled off a sonic rainboom, also next time you're gonna send me plummeting to my death, tell me before you do." "Ok, but it worked didn't it? Besides, now he will take you anywhere if you do your cutesy face." "You know I hate doing that to him." "At least it's not mind control magic." "Well I'm gonna get back to Joey, he is so overprotective you know." "See ya next time he needs some motivation." Sometimes I wish Joey could see just how shallow she is sometimes. {___________Vinyl P.O.V. over_________} "Hey Vinyl, what did she say?" I ask her, eager to see if she was impressed. "She was very impressed with you. She thinks you should take the day off tomorrow because you're doing so well." "OH YEAH!" I knew she would be impressed! Now I take a day off to relax with Vinyl. Wait wha- "Vinyl, What did Rainbow Dash really say? And don't lie to me." "She said she wants you to take the day off.She has a hangover."Well now that makes sense. "Ok, but why do you want to be alone with me?" I ask, my curiosity finally got the best of me. "I want to know where you came from. And don't tell me that half-assed story you told the others. I want the WHOLE truth, the REAL truth, and nothing but the truth. Call Doc and tell him to meet me at the Everfree Forest by the shed with the portal to other dimensions. And if you tell m another half-assed fake story, you are going to have to live somewhere else." S*!t. She saw through my clever lies. "Ok, fine. But prepare to be shocked." Oh god, even readers are going to hate me I think. Please don't hate me readers, you are the only people I enjoy taking to. Sure, the conversations are a little one-sided but you are human beings I can relate to, kind of. You each have stories that I would like to hear, personalities that are different, and you are all different! Just promise me you wont hate me, just hate the writer, he is a dumbass. But don't hate the editor, he is awesome. Well, no use avoiding it. Time to tell you the truth. IN THE NEXT CHAP- what? OH god. I have to d it this chapter? NO! NO NO NO! But the readers are gonna hate me, and I don't anna lose the, they are too awesome to lose. Oh well. The time came, and we all met at the Everfree Forest. "There you two are, now spill the beans." Goddamn you Vinyl. "Ok fine, There were ten of us, each individually were impressive, but when paired together with the right strategy and teamwork, unstoppable. I ran fast, and wielded a Scattergun, a pistol, and a bat. There was an all-American guy, he hated anyone who wasn't from America, he went so far as to sneak into another country and kill the people there. He wielded an RPG, a shotgun, and a shovel. Then there was him, he scared me. He was not sane, he saw things differently than we did, he wielded a flamethrower, a shotgun, and a fire axe. Then there was the black Scottish Cyclops, he was a demolitions expert who lost his eye to a wizard. He wielded a gun that shot pipe-bombs, a gun that shot remote detonated sticky grenades, and a beer bottle. Then there was a fat Russian, he was a little slow, but what he lacked in brains, he made up for in firepower. He had a minigun, a sandwhich, and his fists. Then there was that Texan. He built machines to do his bidding, all he needed was his dispenser and he was set. He used it to build a sentry, then with more metal he made it better, and eventually he put a rocket launcher on it. All he used was his machines, a shotgun, a pistol, and a wrench. Then Doc here healed people with a special gun, we never use it now because it broke. He uses a crossbow that heals friends and hurts enemies, as well as a bonesaw. Then there was that lanky Australian, he used a sniper rifle, a jar of piss, and a kukri. then there was that French spy. He put the stab in backstab, he used a revolver, a sapper to destroy the Texan's toys, a knife, a watch that turned you invisible, and a disguise kit, sometimes you didn't know who to trust, he could've been anyone. And we don't talk about the tenth, after the horrible thing he did to us. He enrolled us as mercenaries. After we killed him, we remained mercenaries purely to pay off our debts. Eventually we were hired by Blutarch Mann or someone with a name that had "blue" in it. It turns out, we were cloned by Redtavich. (or someone with "Red" in their name.) Blutarch had a gravel pit he and Redtavich were supposed to share. Due to the tolls and lives it took before, we were cloned. Millions of clones meant that there would be defects, so we would receive extensive testing before we were released. Years of fighting and a robot apocalypse led to Blu and Red's death. We still continued to fight afterword because it was purely on instinct at this point. Then the cloned 'Scouts' rebelled and then all nine of us became separate factions. Then I was made. I was a defect, but still the best when it came to conflict. Eventually I became sentient, exactly what my superiors feared. I was scheduled to be killed soon after I check the old cloning facility. I found Doc there. And he was fascinated with me, he had never seen a self-aware scout before. My superiors let me live as long as Doc was around. Then we went on all sorts of crazy adventures around multiple war-torn dimensions. Then we tested a new teleporter, said to be able to take us to even more dimensions, even alternate universes. Then we came here, and the rest you know. Now Vinyl, and you too readers, please don't hate me because I'm a defect. The only thing wrong with me is my mental stability, honest!" Sorry, I just need to cry for a second. ;-; You don't hate me because I'm different, do you? I mean you don't hate Derpy. But do you hate me? "Joey, I do like you, so what if you're a clone?" You're just saying that. "Most people where I come from associate clones with slaves and are treated like they are worthless. I assumed this place would be no different. Now if you need me, I'm gonna leave Ponyville, as most likely you will tell everyone and proceed to mock me." I can see you laughing with your eyes reader, don't rub it in. "Joey, don't go. Just today you saved my life! And besides, me and Octy will be real lonely without you." "But... but...." I hate it when you're right Vinyl. "And who will keep me from hooking up with random strangers from a bar?" She has a point. "Ok. Me and Doc will stay. Just promise me you won' tell anyone? It's bad enough the three people reading this know, I don't want anyone really close to me to know I was created in a laboratory." Please please please.... "Fine, but they will accept you for who you are, unlike the internet." Oh god. Well readers. You know the truth. I have one question:
The Day the Unicorns Stood StillWelcome back readers, sorry my incompetent writer has decided to download some gaming software or something like that, I don't know, but anyways welcome back. And thus, my forth wall breaking session ends for now. But a new friend who likes to do so rears his ugly head. It was an ordinary day, the day it happened. Except it was a little more clear because I had finally got a job while my writer was busy with his life stuff. But I woke up to this: "Giddy up little horsey!" "Listen kid, you get one of those, and then you die." I do NOT do kiddie rides. I open my eyes more and see a miniature discord sitting on my back. Did I leave the portal to other fan fictions open? Has Super Stallion done a collab? No. My writer would have told me about a good writer doing this beforehand so I would be on my best behavior. "Who are you?" I ask, still half asleep. "Discord's son. Unlike other children I do not have a speech impediment." Makes sense, my writer could barely input my fabulous Boston accent. "Now take me to faraway lands!" Oh my f**king god he did not say that. "If your daddy couldn't turn me into a rubber chicken, you would be dead right now. Do I make myself clear?" I state to the little cretin. "Sure, but he is in trouble for messing with Celestia. Look for your friend Vinyl, I had some fun with a marker with her." OH HELL NAW! Sure enough, I look on the couch and a paralyzed Vinyl Scratch was on the couch with a marker mustache. "Joey, could you bring your friend over here so I can bite him. Also tell Neon I will not be making it to practice." A lesser man- err pony stallion would've taken advantage of her disposition right now but I don't date because I was at one point a human being. "I will go get Twilight or Doc, don't move." Oh carp! (YES I said carp, a fish. Not crap. CARP.) A pun! Everyone knows puns are horrible! How could I be so stupid. "That was so funny, I forgot to laugh. If this kid tries to ride me into Valhalla or whatever it is they ride into, I will bite him." replied a very annoyed Vinyl Scratch. "Hey Twilight! Oh, hey Doc. What are you doing lying around?" I ask a downed Doc Legend. "Oh, nothing. Cursing discord's name and very existence. You do know Twilight moved out, don't you?" Oh man, he's right. "Sorry, I did not. Why did no one tell me?" I ask him. "I thought you knew." Nobody tells me anything. "She slept here a few nights ago." I curiously ask him. "She visits often. She usually sleeps here because she doesn't think she likes being so far from her friends. Now care to stand me up?" I do so. "Sure. What did Discord do exactly?" "He paralyzed all the unicorns 'by accident' he says. Is Vinyl mobile?" "Nope, Discord left me in charge of his kid. When did he get a kid?" "He exploited the writer by threatening him in the real world. He said he would riddle his computer with errors and steal all his hats. He loves his hats." Makes sense. "Now can you still use magic?" "Only teleportation, the irony of it is I can only teleport others. How about I take you to Twilight, and I have a theory to test, touch my hoof." I do so, and in a flash of light we are in Canterlaught. Well Celestia should help us. I almost get into the castle but... "Care to take me with you?" "Sure." Doc needs to eat more healthily is all I have to say. "Next time, eat a salad." "Shut up." When we enter, we see an incapacitated Celestia, Luna, and Twilight. "Hello Joey, nice of you to drop in. Have you seen Discord? I would like a word with him." Celestia calmly asks as I stand her and the rest up. "He left his kid with me and Vinyl. When did he get a baby Draconequus?" I ask her. "This is the first I'm hearing of Discord having a child." Twilight and Luna both reply in unison. "He is very disrespectful." I reply. Then, I hear a disturbingly familiar sound. The very sound that only insane people hear, a whirring, but it felt like it was attempting to control me. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OH GOD MY HEAD! DOC, IT'S BACK! GET OUT OF MY BRAIN! GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!" "Oh god, something horrible is happening. Joey, remain calm. My medicine bag is in the library. I'm gonna- and he lost it." Doc replies. "IT'S IN MY BRAIN! GET IT THE F**K OUT!" At this point I repeatedly bash my head into the wall and soon lose consciousness. I awake several minuets later, and to my surprise, a certain Draconequus was staring down at me. "Geez, that potion was far more powerful than he let on. Poor Joey here is being driven insane. Sorry for all the mischief today, but I thought the potion would be short range once activated. I didn't intend to freeze everypony. Now Celestia, before Joey wakes up and goes on a psychopathic rampage, could you hand me your shampoo?" Discord, I will have your head for this. As I try to speak, only utter nonsense flows from my mouth. "Why hello Joey! How's babysitting going?" "You ___ ShUt Up." That was all I could say before being held down against my will as Discord's diabolical potion ran down my throat, I expected horrible thing to happen, but to my surprise, the whirring noises stopped, and I could speak full sentences. "Thank you, Discord, but if your kid tries to ride me like a horsey, I cannot promise him surviving." "Sure thing, it is much more fun to watch him ride Vinyl instead. She can teleport." "Now unfreeze everyone- everypony before I kill you for making me go temporarily insane. And get some new babysitters." "Will do, now off to your home." He says before whisking me back to the house. The first thing I see is a very decorated Vinyl Scratch, with everything, a moustache, a monocle, and whatever else you could think of. "Tell me you found a way to unfreeze me. I need to teach that brat a lesson." I give her some of the potion discord gave me. "I do not know how long it takes to take effect." I tell her, before a certain brat appears from behind me. "In that case, time for me to enjoy this while it lasts." He then snaps, and Vinyl is right side up, and he begins to ride her like a little cowboy. I have to admit it is kinda cute. "JOEY STOP GIGGLING AND GET THIS LITTLLE GREMLIN OFF ME NOW!" I try to hold back my giggles while trying to catch the little sucker. And then I see a small but familiar potion in his hands, labeled "immobilization potion." I gasp before flying as fast as I could, but too late, I was hit. It starts to take effect from contact on the skin as apposed to drinking it. Jus my luck. Now I am the horse. "VINYL STOP GIGGLING DANG IT!" "I cant help it, it's so cute and so funny. And now I can move, TIME FOR REVENGE!" (The following can not be described as it possibly violates the right of children, but we ill never know for sure if it does so this low budget censor will have to do) "On a side note, reader I am actually physically talking to you, not in my mind this time, but physically. My writer will be gone due to a family crisis. It's up to YOU to..... I don't really know. But I want you to do something. I guess. Goodbye and stay beautiful." "Hey joey who ya talking to?" "Shut up Vinyl this is my moment."
Discord in Control! (Part 1 of 2)What the- my forth wall breaking powers are diminishing! Oh sh- Hello bronies, Discord here. I have subdued your author with my little miscreant son and his friend. Unfortunately for you, this means no more colorful pictures, stupid music, and other things this moron of an author adds in. Now is my time to write, so sit back and enjoy the show- err book. [Joey POV] I woke up in the morning with a strange feeling in my stomach. It felt like I was going to vomit. "Ugh, Vinyl could I call in sick today, I don't think I can do my chores right now." I get no response. A few minutes later and I realize Vinyl is not in the room. I get up to investigate, despite my stomach disagreeing with me. "Vinyl, stop hiding, I don't feel good." No response. I look around for about an hour before I give in to the urge to lie down. I was then greeted by a big smile from Discord. He was holding something silvery with an apple on it in his hand. "Why hello there Joey, I see you aren't feeling well." He smugly says. "What the hell did you do to me?!" I yell out to him. "Oh nothing, it's what I'm going to do to you and Ponyville with this little device I have here." He smugly says then points to the device. He then proceeds to tap on it repeatedly. For some odd reason, I get up and do a backflip without trying to. It's as if something made me do it. "We'll what do you know, it works. Now let me put in your friend Vinyl." He says before tapping on his device again. Suddenly, Vinyl appeared out of nowhere. "What the-" she starts, but is interrupted by a now devious looking Discord. "Now to truly test my power. I command you two to kiss!" He diabolically says. At this point I run, but my feet aren't moving. I am somehow being pulled toward Vinyl. Oh my sweet Celestia and God's holy hand grenade no. I try and stop myself, but to no avail. I then in my desperation try to spare myself a lifetime of awkwardness by pulling out my bat and pushing away Vinyl. It works, thank Celestia and God. (And now I realize I started a controversy with that sentence.) "You @$$! You make me stop trying to kiss her or I promise you, I will see to it that you be destroyed by my wrath!" He frowns, realizes his power is limited by others willpower, or atleast mine and my ability to disobey higher powered beings (like you Discord and writer!) and he then taps on his device a few times, and I turn in midair, and proceed to fall on the ground fac- muzzle-first. "Darn your disobeiance to the author. Now time to vist sunbutts and become king." At this point I realize that he has the the IPod that belongs to my can't-afford-better-stuff-cuz-he-is-so-damn-cheap writer! He is godlike now, as what the writer says happens rule! Lucky for me, I disobey my moronic writer so I am safe from his control. "Joey, what's going on? Why am I here, and where is Octy?" A very distraught and scared Vinyl asks me. "He has the writer IPod. He can do whatever he wants. I am gonna need all the help I can get, maybe the editor could help, but for now get Doc." I tell her. She is shaking from fear, who knows what kind of hellish nightmares she saw in the Not Yet Written Into the Story Character Vault. She must be mortified. I reasure her that she is ok. [Meanwhile, with the fabulous and amazing Discord, also this is me, Discord, showing you MY POV] "How did you get so powerful Discord?!" A very weakened Celestia inquires before collapsing. "As if I would tell you, sunbutts." I retort. She hates being called that, and she made that evident by firing one last bolt of magic at me. Luna walks in, but then is frozen in corbonite wheat. Yes wheat, I wrote it so it's true. You have to deal with it, Princess Luna was frozen in wheat. Celestia looked surprised for a moment, then laughed. "AGH! I called the Elements of Harmony on you Discord! Now let me out of this prison!" A muffled princess of the night said. "Do you think I'm afraid of them? I have the power to wipe them from existence now. I might keep your faithful student as a pet when I'm finished with her friends." I retort with a very smug smirk. I then turn all but Celestia's head into stone. "I want you to see your student fail. Also I think you will look quite nice in the garden." "YOU MONSTER!" She screeches. "Hey, atleast I didn't turn you into a potato, or something worse. Now think twice before freezing somepony with an itch they can't scratch." I reply. At this point the Elements storm in. I develop a large grin on my face. "Hello girls. Prepare to be defeated by the awesome power of words!" Everyone except Rainbow and Twilight laughs. And with a few taps, the elements turn into a vase. "Now will you take me seriously?" "What do we do now Twilight?!" Rarity shrieks out. "We fight." She replies. "No you don't." I retort, before turning Rarity into a mannequin, rainbow into a hat, Pinkie into a monocle, Applejack into a sweater-vest, and Twilight into painting. I then teleport fluttershy to a field, far far away in another galaxy. "Now you all can be be together. Shame inanimate objects can't talk. Of course you all would be cursing the day I was born, but it still is a shame. I think I will put you all in the dressing room, next to Celestia's baby photos. You can't hide that blush princess." I smugly say to my once powerful captors. Well audience, if you need me I'm gonna release the writer for a little bit to write the author's note explaining why he took so long. He must be sore from being tied up. Don't worry, I will tie him up again, or maybe I will turn him into something to go with the girls. Ta!
Choices and Sickness (Very, very, very important chapter, read for further info)Hello everypony, Discord here! Sorry about what happened with the berries. Also your friend Joey is a little detained today, so this story will be told from Doc Legend's point of view. Also lets hope Joey feels better. Well, never thought this would happen. Remember the amulet that was given to Joey? It was a fake, and it made him very sick. "Hey Joey, how you feeling?" "Like I've been run over by a freight train." He retorts. "Writers are worse than lawyers." "I can't believe you actually thought it would work. How many times has this happened to us?" I ask him. "At least seven. Eight if we count Egypt, but that that was when you were poisoned and unable to stop me. Also how was Pinkie's sister? I never got a chance to meet her." Joey asks me. "She was 'unique' I'll give her that. I think Pinkie hyped her arrival too much." I reply. "Also how is Discord doing? As well as the princesses?" He inquires. "Discord is still not eating any fruits or vegetables. Luna is still avoiding wheat and bread. Celestia avoids the royal garden. Otherwise they are all right. Oh! Rarity is afraid of mannequins now." I inform him. "Also Doc, are you sure you can't heal me?" He asks. "Even if I could, I think you need the rest. We will find that cheating scumbag writer wherever he is. I promise you. Also I heard his story has five thumb downs, he may be taking it off soon, then we will live without every adventure being chronicled. So that's a plus." I tell him. "But won't we cease to exist? And is it ok to insult the writer?" He asks. (Damn writer ran out of synonyms!) "Eh, I'm sure he won't mind. He is a thick-skinned b@**@*d, so f**k him." I say. "Oh and also, readers, what I am going to say is very important. I was told that the writer is going to do something depending on thumb ups and thumb downs, from what it seems, my life is in your hands. I do not mean to be a thumb up w***e, but this is serious. I am not joking, I am not trolling you, I am not pranking you, this is real. My writer has become very self conscious about this story, and if nothing is done, my dear 5 readers, I could die. The choice is yours. This is a test to see if you do care about me, knowing that most will fail, I depend on YOU, the reader, you are different from the others, you will have an impact on me. I cannot stress how serious this is. Now, on with the story!" Joey is absolutely right, and if he goes, I go too. Our lives, in this dimension, depend on the five people who may read this. I know we are probably screwed, but it's up to YOU to make a difference. I assume you understand the severity of our current situation, so on with the story. "So what has the 'doctor' said? Are you gonna live?" I cut right to the chase. "We are unsure, but it seems to be leaning in the negative, so... Yeah. I am most likely screwed. They say the odds are against me, but usually when people say that, you get your own movie." Even when he is faced with death, he is still optimistic. "Well, visiting hours are almost over, so I have to go. I will tell the girls the news. Let's hope you recover, I can't imagine life without my best friend." Dammit, now I'm starting to cry. "DO NOT TELL VINYL! She tends to over react to this kinda stuff. Remember when Octavia gave her a sandwich?" Joey pleads, I nod and leave for Sugar Cube Corner. Only Pinkie Pie can get everyone together for something sad and make it sound more fun. Hours pass, and then the six friends, with the princesses as well enter. "Guys, they still haven't figured anything about Joey's illness, and from the looks of it, his current situation is rather grave." Everypony in the room gasps, besides me of course. "The doctors and hospital staff do not want me to interfere, but they cannot figure the disease out in time, it is not from this planet, nor this dimension. I have a plan, remember the portal? We can use it to enter the writer's realm, no telling where we will end up, but we can attempt to talk to someone from there, maybe they could help, but here is the thing, I have tried many times but have failed to use the portal because my magic alone is not strong enough. I was thinking, if we combine our magic, we can send a signal to someone." Everypony looks at one another, then agrees. We head the the shed of hellish nightmares. "Hey look, it's my old shed!" Fluttershy remarks.My god did we just really make that reference? Once we are inside, everypony stares on awe at the portal. "Now, I will send the message, you all just have to amplify it. Once the random person receives it, we can hopefully establish a back and forth with him or her. All non-magic users, provide moral support. Are we ready?" "YES!" They all shout in unison. I begin my message, and as I finish, I give them the signal. I feel so much power! I feel like I can destroy a whole city just by blinking! The princesses' magic is powerful indeed, but...
Discord in Control! (Part 2 of 2)GUYS HE IS TAKING AWAY MY FORTH wall breaking powers. Oh nooo. There. Now I have total control. On with the chapter! [Joey POV] "So you're saying that the silvery thing Discord had controls everything that happens in our dimension?" Vinyl curiously asks me. "Yep." As much as I hate to do it, I'm gonna have to lie to her. If she learns that this world is really a fan fiction that is not cannon, who knows what could happen. "It is an alien device, used to right wrongs. Only time lords, fanboys, and incredibly powerful mages can use it. He thinks he is invincible with it, but I have one of my own. BEHOLD!" I pull out my super old desktop computer (cuz I couldn't get the exclusive rights to anything else that has Internet. As well as a modem, and all the other things required to use Internet. "Don't you think Discord would know about this stuff?" A very suspicious Vinyl asks. "I know right? Maybe Celestia is stopping him." After the required wait time of five minutes, it starts up. I sign in, Username and password as usual, but with something weird at the start. A GIF of discord dancing with a troll face. He must've used my computer and got mad with how slow it was. "What the h**l. WHAT THE H***! I've been censored! **** #%^/ #%^* *+%#!" Oh god, Discord must be behind this! That @#%hole! I have to stop him before he rewrites my chapters, or even worse, me! Luckily, my computer is much faster than usual. I then discover that rat %#~^+=+ deleted all my games and music. I log on to the site. "Undercover Inspector, password •••••••••••••••. Vinyl, I'm in. Now unfortunately, I can't write Discord out of existence. What should we do?" I ask her. "First off, I want Tavi here." She informs me, and out of nowhere, Octavia drops in. "Now bring in the elements of harmony, as well as their users. The elements appear on the kitchen table, then a well decorated mannequin as well as Fluttershy and a painting appears in front of us. "What the- where are the girls?" "I think these are the girls. Discord did something to them." I blurt out, causing Tavi to panic. "Yep. Discord did this. Now calm down... uh what's her name?" I very embarrassed Fluttershy asks. "Octavia." I tell her. "Also you were with Discord when he started to go full on bad guy. What happened to him? I thought he was reformed." I ask Fluttershy. "All I remember was he said he found this dark blue... thing, it smelled delicious but I had just eaten so I politely declined. He ate it then... well I'm not sure what happened. He disappeared, then came back with a human and the silvery thing he has now. I don't know why I didn't tell anybody, but for some reason, after he tapped A few times I felt like nothing needed to be said." Oh my god and Celestia. "Powerlust berries." Not this %#^ again. "What?" The three girls all say in unison. "Powerlust berries, they corrupt the whoever gets as much as a single taste of them. They are incredibly addicting, and the more you eat, the stronger you get. There are two kinds, red and blue. Red promotes physical strength, and now I know what blue does." I inform the girls. "That isn't really Discord being evil, it's the berries?" Asks Fluttershy. "Yes". I turn the others back to normal. I attempt to normalize Discord, but I get a message saying 'Nice try.' "And what's worse is I can't fix the berries. Discord must have sealed off any otherworldly influence from affecting himself." "So we have to take him down the old fashioned way?" Twilight asks me. "That won't work. Knowing him, he probably nullified them, or sapped their power." I regrettably inform her. "But you can't destroy energy, and if he comes in contact with the elements, he gets hurt." ^%+#it Twilight, nobody wants to learn. "Well you're right. So hopefully they will work. And if not I have. my gun... Never mind I don't have it. Sneaky Discord. Hey why do I feel like I'm forgetting something?" Then it dawns on me. "DOC!" I write him in immediately. "The #%^+ just happened? And why am I censored?" A very dazed and confused Doc Legend asks. "Powerlust berries. So how was the vault?" I ask him. "Still #%@$ up. Now what the #%^l do we do?" He asks me. "I have a plan, it will involve stealth, boxes, and walkie-talkies." (Soon, everyone is wearing bodysuits and in front Celetia's former home.) "Now I want the elements to follow me, as well as Doc. You two ladies stay here." "Why do we have to stay here?" Vinyl pouts. "Because I don't want my sweet roommates to get hurt if the plan goes awry." I tell her. "Now if things go bad, use my computer to write us into the story. Doc imbued the elements with a special spell, they will be alright. I'm going because I need to confirm the berries are gone from his mind. Also I need to find the human to 'talk' to him." I have a few things to say to the writer that we all know and hate. You do hate him don't you? Too bad I can only see you and not hear you. (Idiot writer POV) Oh god I pulled a vanity didn't I? Still dark, nothing but my face illuminated by a dimly lot IPod Touch screen.been this way for weeks, still haven't updated my blog. What took me so long, for real? I already told you. If there is one thing Rebbeca Black has taught us, it's that sometimes people love to hate. And I am fine with being the lightning rod. For the many jokes about my stupidity will continue to... "Yeah yeah Shakespeare, now if you're so 'good' with your words then tell me, why the hell did you turn me into a pony?" A familiar face asks. "Cause it's my way of revenge. For all the insults you throw at me." I retort. "First off, what you pulled was a reverse My Little Dashie 4, second #%$k you. Now write in a way for me to turn human or you will rot in this prison." You @#% Joey. "Fine. But I can't guarantee you will live." "Shut up, it's my story so if I die you'll pull a d$&@#bag move out of you're @#% to keep the story from ending there." From this point in the story, Joey may die and STAY dead at anytime. "Ok @&$hole, you die and you're on you're own. No d-bag writer moves, no more revival tiaras, no golden revival tacos. Game the &@#k over when you die. No retrys, no restarts, no second chances. All you. Get is what you have now. Now send me back to MY planet Earth." I tell Joey. He looks annoyed but nods. "Now before I send you home, I need two things that allow me and Doc to become human and pony on command, we have gotten a little used to our current forms." He asks. I write in two amulets. "Now no more charity from me, don't expect me to help you again or anytime soon." I inform him. We then head toward Discord's throne room. We open the doors to find the mane 6 defeated, but with my writing, they are healed. (In case you were wondering how I'm writing, it's because I am using my phone.) After some time, the berries effect wears off, and Discord reverts back to normal. "Ugh, what happened? All I remember is eating some berries and feeling renewed." We'll he has no memory of what he has done, so we explain to him what happened. "Oh dear, I didn't hurt anypony did I?" I can tell he's faking it, but the girls and Joey let him go. Everything is fixed and things go back to the way they were before this ordeal with the berries. All berries were soon destroyed and am sent home. The moment before I save the story, my battery dies. After about an hour, everything I have just told you is written.
