Historical Revisionism

by Knight of the Raven

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Princess Luna, Comedy
Length: 1264

Luna discusses the Hearth's Warming Eve pageant with Twilight and her friends. They soon learn that historical inaccuracy sometimes is a boon.

Luna discusses the Hearth's Warming Eve pageant with Twilight and her friends. They soon learn that historical inaccuracy sometimes is a boon.

Rated Teen for profanity and sexual references.

Published 2014-02-11 15:20:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-11 15:20:04 UTC

Historical Revisionism

The play depicting Equestria's official history ended and all actors and actresses bowed before the audience before leaving one by one. Only Rainbow Dash remained, grinning and basking in the applause until she was dragged off stage. She protested all the way to the dressing room.

"Why did you take me away from them?" she whined. "They were begging for more! They were cheering my name!" She crossed her forelegs in a huff and pouted as Rarity's magic pulled her through the door.

"They were cheering for Equestria, Rainbow Dash."

"Same difference."

Rarity sighed and rolled her eyes. "You're impossible."

Her magic let go of her wings and Rainbow Dash dropped to the ground. She massaged her back and muttered a "jerk" which Rarity pretended not to hear. Rainbow Dash was about to repeat her comment more loudly and it died in her throat as she turned towards the door and saw the princesses come in.

"Impressive show, Twilight," said Celestia as the friends bowed. "All of you as well, of course."

Twilight blushed. "It was a great honor to play ponies so important to our history."

Celestia nodded with a little smile. "A deserved honor. And you truly gave life to your favorite, Clover the Clever."

Her blush deepened. "Thank you."

"I must say, I particularly liked seein-"

"Princess Celestia!"

Celestia turned her head to the door and saw a royal guard galloping toward her. "What's the matter?"

He stopped before the dressing room and saluted. "Count Venient wants to see you. He says it's of the utmost importance."

Celestia's eyebrows drooped. "Can't it wait?"

The guard shook his head.

She sighed. "Fine, I'm coming." It was her turn to shake her head. "Nobles." She turned one last time to Twilight and nuzzled her. "I'll be back as soon as I can. Meanwhile, you can speak with Luna."

"They won't even notice you're gone, sister!" said Luna as Celestia left with the guard, earning soft laughter from her.

"You seem more in tune with today's speak, princess," commented Twilight once they were out of sight.

"Yes, Celestia gave me a... I believe the correct term is 'crash course.'"

"I'd pay to see that," snickered Rainbow Dash to Fluttershy.

They both cowered when Luna glared at them. Fluttershy let out a little "eep!" whereas Rainbow Dash forced an innocent smile upon her lips.

Twilight cleared her throat to distract Luna. "What did you think of the play?"

Luna looked away from them, who sighed in relief. "As my sister said, it was impressive. There were some things I disliked, but they weren't your fault."

Twilight tilted her head, honestly curious. "Such as?"

"The play didn't stop so soon one millennium ago. There was still another scene. A very important one, if I may say so, and one I've always enjoyed."

Rainbow Dash squealed. "Is it me-err, Commander Hurricane kicking windigo butt?"

"No," deadpanned Luna.

Rainbow Dash looked as if somepony had kicked her pet tortoise.

"No," repeated Luna while shaking her head, "it was the dealing with the ponies that already inhabited the lands of Equestria."

Twilight stared at her with wide eyes. "Natives? I never read anything about them."

"I'm not surprised. I've noticed many things don't match with what actually transpired."

Suppressing a squee, Twilight tapped her forehooves together in anticipation. "What happened?" she asked eagerly, stars twinkling in her eyes. "Did they share and learn the magic of sharing?"

This prompted Luna to stare at her without a word. Twilight laughed nervously as her cheeks reddened. Luna's gaze kept on boring into her.

Then, one corner of Luna's lips twitched.

And she burst out laughing.

Twilight felt confused, embarrassed, and just a little bit insulted. She found herself glaring at her, before she remembered you just didn't glare at a princess.

After a long while, Luna reasserted control over her body and stopped chuckling. She wiped tears from her eyes with one foreleg before speaking. "No. They stole the lands, murdered the stallions, raped the mares and enslaved the foals."

Twilight's lower jaw dropped and she slumped to her haunches, eyes wide and incredulous. "Th-th-th... They what?"

Repugnant images danced morbidly in her head, tearing apart all her preconceptions about her ancestors. Bile rose up her throat and she nearly retched. She glanced around and noticed her friends reacted similarly.

Apparently not noticing their shock, Luna continued, "ponies knew how to solve problems back then." She scoffed. "Not like today's ovaries."

"Pussies," corrected Applejack mechanically, too horrified to feel insulted.

Spike shook himself from his shock for just enough time to gawk at them in absolute incomprehension.

"That's the right word." She sniffed in distaste. "To think Celestia cut away the second best part of the play. She ought to respect our history more."

Twilight swallowed the lump in her throat and made a face at the taste. "Second best part?" She dreaded the answer more than she had feared Discord at this very moment.

Luna nodded. "Yes, though the actual best part wasn't cut. Celestia modified it instead." She smiled bitterly. "It wasn't friendship that saved the ponies from the windigos." She paused, looked up in thought and clicked her tongue. "Well, not according to the common definition."

Rainbow Dash scowled. "What did they do, sacrifice a virgin?"

Luna's eyes widened and she leaned her head back in surprise. "What? No, no. Nothing uncouth like that."

Twilight gulped once again. "So what actually happened?"

With a wry smile that made her audience shiver, Luna replied, "Critics labelled it 'the hottest double penetration on the planet.' Her eyelids fluttered and she stared off into space. "And it certainly was!" She fanned her face with a hoof.

The room lapsed into a deadly silence as six ponies paled and a dragon scratched his head in confusion. Twilight, so white she could have been mistaken for Rarity, eventually broke it. "What?"

Her outburst caused Luna to focus back on the moment. "Oh? Yes. Remember, Private Pansy and Smart Cookie were stallions." A smile far naughtier than what should grace a princess' lips followed. "Well-endowed ones at that, if Clover the Clever's diary is to be believed."

Spike frowned, utterly lost. "'Double penetration?' What's that?"

Rarity whipped her head around to stare at him in terror. "Something I hope you're never into, Spike!"

He nodded confoundedly. "Uh, okay. And what does 'well-endowed' mean?" He really didn't get why everypony was horrified.

Rarity blushed deeply and mumbled unintelligible words. Spike just watched without understanding and decided ponies were more insane than he thought.

Looking absolutely ill, Applejack found the strength to ask a question that nagged her. "Do you mean the actors had sex on stage?"

Luna tilted her head, perplexed. "Of course. Why wouldn't they?"

She backed away when Applejack began spitting about in disgust. Luna then looked at the other ponies. Fluttershy was in the fetal position on the floor, shaking like a leaf. Rainbow Dash stared off into space with her jaw open. Twilight's eyes and lips twitched uncontrollably. Rarity had fainted. Pinkie Pie looked green and scowled. Spike frowned to himself while muttering "sex?"

Luna rolled her eyes again before leaving the room, fully aware the conversation was over. "Pussies."

A very long while later, Twilight's mind recovered ever so slightly. She even managed to recognize someone calling her name.

"Yes, Rainbow Dash?" she said dully.

"I don't care what you want, but if we're ever doing the full version, I'm playing the part of Clover the Clever."

The camel's back broke, and Twilight fainted with a groan.