I Can't See Anything!

by AuTiSm

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Human
Length: 3380

Stevie got himself into quite the pickle. After walking into a portal which he thought was a chair, the Wonder Hunter finds himself trapped in Equestria.

Stevie got himself into quite the pickle. After walking into a portal which he thought was a chair, the Wonder Hunter finds himself trapped in Equestria. How will his manager Shlomo Shekelstein respond? How can he survive in such a colorful world without being able to see?

Including special guest appearances from Kurt Cobain and M. Night Shoop da Whoop.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-15 16:37:42 UTC

Skeletons in Your Closet.

Stevie wonder sat behind his piano, slapping away at the keys. The ears of the producers for his next big music video were overwhelmed by a sense of 'HOW THE FUCK DOES HE PLAY THAT THING IF HE'S BLIND?!'. It was soothing, really.

"Because, I ate my damn toe, then I had sex in the wrong hole with a hoe. 'Cause I can't see shit and can't keep fit, since I don't know where I put my dumbbells!" Stevie Wonder sang before ending the song, and that part of the filming.

"Alright, that's a wrap! Congratulate yourselves, we finally finished filming!" M. Night Shamalama Doorbells finished, wiping beads of sweat off his head. It had only took ten seconds after filming before the big star fell from his chair where he played the piano and landed butt-first on the wooden floor. Stevie got himself up with the help of the film crew, after that he scratched his ass and headed over to a nearby chair. How did he know it was a chair? Because it was giving off special heatwaves that only blind people can eat.

He landed on the floor only inches away from the camera man's feet and propped himself on all fours as he let the air into his lungs and let it out just as fast, to help locate the chair. He started to crawl his way over there when he noticed something, it wasn't a chair. Stevie was now being pulled into his worst nightmare, a black hole. The rest of the film crew jumped to Stevie's rescue, with M. Night Shamalard leading the pull. Using all their might, they tried and tried to pull Stevie up from the cosmic rift in the floor by the shirt. It took Stevie Wonder a few seconds to realize they weren't trying to eat him like the normal dusk monkeys, instead they were trying to help him by pulling him out. Assisting his own rescue, Stevie grabbed hold of M. Night Sha -you know what? I'm just gonna call him director- of the directors hand.

Stevie knew things weren't good once he noticed that he was not holding hands romantically with his secret husbando, instead, he was crushing his nuts.

The director lost a grip of the Wonder Machine once he felt the immense pain surge through him. After caring for his tender testicles, he went back to saving Stevie, only to realize that in his absence, the black hole had closed. It was too late. The blind piano player had left them. It was too much for the director, who decided to wallow in his sadness. Too late. He'd be haunted by the ghost of Wonder, that much he was certain of. Nothing can replace him...

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Stevie soared through what he could only assume was the sky, since he totally wasn't felling ground. He batted the air furiously, eventually closing his eyes and letting fate take care of him. His whole life, he dreamed of being able to fly. Now, he could feel sort of like he was, only unlike the graceful birds he can't see, he was going to splat on the ground in a bloody mess. Now that his mind was free, he thought to himself as the air pushed his hair over his shoulders, what did a bloody mess look like? It was totally green. I mean, if you were blind, wouldn't you also assume it to be green? Hell, I know I would.

This was it, Stevie could feel the kinetic energies from the ground reaching closer and closer. It was time to die, to ascend with the holy father. Just seconds away. Closer. Closer. Closer. SPLAT! He hit something alright, but it wasn't solid ground. It was bouncy, like a kids bouncy castle/palace/what ever the hell it was! He wouldn't know, he couldn't see shit!

"SWEET LORD CELESTIA!!!" The crowd he could only assume was there yelled in almost perfect unison, which startled the disorientated and disgruntled blind pianist. This all seemed very strange to him, he had heard of many very strange religions, but he had never heard of anything that worships this so-called 'Celestia'.

"I think it's an alien!" Said a strange, hyperactive voice. Stevie was almost certain it belonged to a girl.

"Don't be silly Pinkie, it's probably an unknown creature from the Everfree. They have many unaccounted for species yet to be discovered inside of there." Said another feminine voice. Stevie Wonder was worried, was his face messed up from the fall? Is he nothing more than a mere sack of flesh that looks like an alien? Stevie now wanted to be able to see more than ever, his curiosity was too great to contain.

"Where the hell am I? Europe? Y'all folks ain't seen no black man before?!" Stevie Wonder asked puzzled, he had heard Europe has a lot of white folks. Stevie was able to pinpoint a few gasps in the crowd he had heard amassed near him. Two of the gasps came from the same spot where he heard the first two people who had talked about him.

"IT TALKS TOO! THAT'S SO COOL!" Said an equally feminine voice, this time sounding more enthusiastic.

"Rainbow Dash, I don't think you should be getting near that thing..." Said the second voice, the one to call him an unknown creature. Stevie felt offended, he is no thing! He is a black man! He still couldn't help but feel worried, was he injured that badly? He might as well finally pop the question...

____________________________________________________________________________________________

"WHERE IN THE LORDS NAMESAKE AM I?!" The strange creature asked sitting on the grass with his head tilted in the direction of the Everfree. Twilight was slightly taken back by his loudness and rudeness. What a distasteful creature! It was obviously retarded, therefor, she needed to treat it with the utmost gentleness and politeness to avoid it going into a crazed fit.

Twilight cleared her throat and walked next to the strangely clothed creature, "Hi! We are the nice people who will take you away from here, this place is filled with bad people, let's talk inside!" Despite her best attempts at politeness, the suit bearing menace waved his fists at her in a crazed manor.

"SHIT GIRL, I AIN'T NO GODDAMN RETARD, SHITSHITSHIT MOTHERLOVINGANUS!" He yelled, obviously angered by his special treatment. Twilight knew if she were to befriend the creature, she'd have to be even more caring.

"Shush shush shush. There are tiny little fillies and colts here!"

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Stevie didn't understand. Fillies and colts? Like the horses? Was he in a strange horse land? Yeah, right, like that would ever happen.

"Applejack, take care of it from here." The same voice that called him a retard said, before he was suddenly tangled in what felt like a rope.

"Whoah, you're a feisty little critter, ain't ya?" Yet another female said, this time with an accent similar to those in Oklahoma or Texas. He knew just what was happening, he was being roped and taken to their evil horse lair! He had to stop them, but to enact his plan, he'd have to get on their good side. And the lord knows he'd do anything to escape...

I'm So High Right Now.

‘Shit’, Stevie thought to himself as he was dragged on the dirty path towards what he deduced was a large barn, judging by the fowl odor that lingered tauntingly in the crisp air. Stevie was losing track of the time. He’d been dragged along the varying pathways leading to his destination for at least thirty to forty minutes.

“Nearly there big fella.” The country girl said to him, continuing to trot down the… Wait a minute, he couldn’t hear footsteps, he could only hear the trotting of hooves! His suspicions were true, he really was high all along!

The dirt path he was dragged on changed into that of hard rocks clattering against his back. “Crikey!” Stevie Wonder yelled aloud, channeling his inner Steve Irwin.

The protestful rolling and tugging on the rope he was tied in did little to slow his captor. Yet again, Stevie wanted to see the world so he could get a good look into the eyes of his captor. But he couldn't, because he was blind. Stevie thought he noticed a faint scent of apples as the country chick on the other end ceased her tugging and left Stevie in a corner of what must have been the barn he'd been smelling.

"Ah'm gonna go and get some water for you," the girl said. "Don't try to escape or nothing."

Stevie could hear his rope being tied to something, and then more hoofsteps and a whinny. He was officially high as fuck, or maybe dreaming. When he couldn't hear the weird horse noises anymore, Stevie began acting out his plan to escape. Once he was out of this freaky place, he might be able to find a brother or two, and a cup of coffee.

He pulled as hard as he could on the rope, stretching it a little, but not even getting close to breaking it. Then he reached up onto his head and felt around for his eye area, where his favorite glasses were still perched. Taking them in his fingers, he broke them in half with his magical black man strength, and sliced one edge against the rope. It didn't cut all the way through, but it cut. As he continued to slice against the rope with his broken glasses, he could hear the sound of hoofsteps in the distance again. He would have to hurry.

The hoofsteps were growing louder and louder as Stevie frantically started to cut the rope as fast as he could, but to no avail. It was too late, the sound of a door opening startled Stevie as he frantically hid the cut part of the rope from the view of his captor.

“Ah can see you haven’t tried to escape, that’s good. Here’s your water.” She said, letting down what sounded like a bucket, “Now, can you tell me where you ca-” Stevie and the creature were both startled by the sound of a child calling from outside.

“Applejack! Applejack! Ah got cut real bad, it’s bleeding!” What sounded like a small girl with the same accent as his captor called, judging by how quiet it sounded, he guessed it came from a distance.

“Hold on Applebloom, Ah’m comin’!” The captor said.

Stevie was certain her name was Applejack. The sound of hoofsteps and a loud clang of barn doors closing gave Stevie sight of new hope, with his captor gone, he could finish cutting the part of the rope he hid behind his back. When Applejack had left to look at the other one's cut, Stevie slid his broken sexy black glasses across the rope as hard as he could, and the rope broke. Stevie was a free man once again. Unfortunately, he was still under the effects of whatever the hell he'd snorted before all of this. And he must have snorted a lot of that shit.

Free from his captivity once again, Stevie felt his way out of the barn and ran as fast as he could away from it, using his magical blind-man sonar to avoid running into too many things. Unfortunately for the cabbage he stepped in, blind-man sonar doesn't work on cabbages.

Once Stevie was far enough away from the barn that he knew he was safe from those country woman devils, he slowed down. The area he was in now was quiet, and not the type of quiet Stevie liked. It was unsettling, almost. So quiet. Or maybe Stevie had managed to get himself deaf too. He didn't know. For the moment, he would keep walking with slightly rustled jimmies and a slightly worried mind. And then he felt it... the intense overwhelming desire to get a ...bowl of popcorn.

After using his magical powers to obtain a bowl of popcorn, he ventured onwards! Out into the mysterious creepy silent place where he was. But ya know, he walked really slowly because he was an old blind dude, and half of his superpowers were contained in those glasses. Glasses he had obtained from a black-market thrift shop some fifty years ago.

Stevie heard the sound of hoofsteps in the distance, he knew he was in trouble, he’d have to hide. After feeling for a tree, he used his magic black man powers to climb to the top, he’d have to hide there and clinch onto his bowl of popcorn until they left. But it only took him a few seconds to find out that it wasn’t hoofsteps that he was hearing, it was footsteps. Did Stevie wake up from his dream, or did the drugs stop working? He’d only know if he were to meet them. But doubt was still in his mind, he couldn’t be sure…

______________________________________________________________________________

M. Night Shyamalan sat in his chair, his mind cluttered with disbelief. He had previous encounters with black holes before, but this was the first time one had successfully sucked someone inside of it. He stood up from his chair inside of his mansion and proceeded to get some coffee. Maybe that would relieve some stress.

After using his million dollar coffee machine, he went to his living room and turned on the tv before propping himself on the million dollar sofa. He sipped as he switched through the channels, and stopped once he came across CNN. They were reporting on Stevie Wonder’s apparent “death”.

M. Night Swagger shook his head in disbelief. Stevie was not dead! He can save him. He needed to amass the greatest group of heroes the world can imagine. He knew just the people for the job.

M. Night Shamalama Ding Dong walked to the window on the other side of his pristine living room. He looked at the star filled sky outside and smiled with renewed joy. “I’m coming for you Stevie.” He said to himself. The only thing he needed now was to hope that the heroes he had in mind would accept the job...

And they probably won't.

A Tempting Offer

"Applebloom, where are you cut? How deep is it?" Applejack asked.

"It hurts sooo bahhhhd!" Applebloom began "I cut myself in the toeeee!"

"But, little sis, you don't have ...any toes." Applejack said.

"Oh well then, I'm fine."

"Really now?"

"Yup!"

***

Stevie was perched in the tree, trembling from fear at whatever he was sensing on the ground. Little did he know that there beneath him on the ground standing in all of its hideous dark horrible evilness was... a llama. But inside that llama was ...another llama. But... inside that other horrible evilly terrible llama was... a penguin! But inside of that horrible penguin of doom, darkness, and hugs was... Discord, twisty combination of lots of animals thing-dude of chaos and stuff. All Stevie could do was hang on and hope the evilness wouldn't see him.

Unfortunately for Stevie, unlike himself, the chaotic creature inside a penguin inside a llama inside a llama wasn't blind, and see the noises Stevie was making. which was a lot because Stevie couldn't stop trembling and sweating Kool-aid. as Stevie tried to climb higher up the tree so he could be farther away from the monstrous monster of monstrous monsterness below, he heard what sounded like an Asian eating celery, and he knew he was in trouble.

Discord flew out of all the creatures he had been inside of, and up onto the tree beside Stevie. And that's when Stevie started crying. Manly tears, but tears nonetheless.

"What's your problem?" asked the snakey creature.

"I'm blind and I'm stuck in a tree and I'm afraid of the creepy fucking thing that's talking to me," Stevie said, quivering against the limb he was attached to.

"Well, I don't usually care about any mortals because they're really boring, but I might make an exception for you. I've never seen a black mortal before."

"You went there!? Fucking really? I'm blind and I'm old and I'm black, but I will bitch slap your bitch face if I have to!"

"Oh ho ho, resulting to violence now, are we? Fine, I suppose I just won't give you your sight back. It's a shame, because it would be so quick and ea-"

"You can give me my sight back, you weird ass thing?"

"Not if you're mean to me. You need to change that attitude before I'll even consider."

"What then?"

"Then you're going to unlock a box for me."

Stevie was confused, what was so special about a box? “What box?” Stevie asked, confused as to the importance of a simple box.

“A very special box, it has six locks on it and my curiosity has been killing me. I intend to learn of its contents before those ponies do…” The weird thing next to Stevie said.

“You’ve met those creepy people before?”

“They aren’t people, they’re ponies. And it depends on what ponies you’re talking about.”

“I can assure you, those weren’t ponies, I’m just high.”

“Oh really? Anyway, do you want to open the box for me?” Discord asked, awaiting patiently for an answer.

Stevie tapped his chin as if he was thinking deeply on the subject, “Why the hell not?” Stevie said, accepting the job.

Discord smiled at this news, hoping their unlikely alliance can finally answer the question on what the box holds. Now, Discord had to lead them to the box, which was easier said than done, considering that the six ponies were the only ones who knew where to find it…

______________________________________________________________________________

Applejack trotted back over to her barn after the fiasco with her younger sister had been fixed. It only took a few seconds for her to realize that the barn doors were opened, and the strange creature had left. She couldn’t help but worry, it was a special-needs creature who needed to be treated carefully, and now that it was likely inside the Everfree forest, who knew what sort of dangers the mentally challenged creature would face?

“Hi Applejack!” Said Twilight Sparkle waving a hoof at her from not too far away, her other friends were behind her. “Is the creature okay?” She asked, Applejack knew she would dread answering this question for she feared the consequences she’d face for leaving a mentally challenged animal alone, allowing it to escape.

“Well, umm…” Applejack said, trying to dodge the question, she knew it was inevitable that she’d have to answer, she just tried to find courage by waiting. “Well, he got away…” She said bluntly, from their distance, she still noticed the looks of shock and horror on their faces.

The ponies knew looking for a braindead creature was going to be like looking for a needle in a haystack.

____________________________________________________________________________

On the other side of M. Night Shyamalan's dusty and cluttered desk sat three dark figures, each with a serious look on their face. The kind of look you make when you're all business all the time. "I think we all know why I've summoned you three here."

The three nodded.

"He needs to be brought back alive. If one hair on his beautiful body is gone I'll see to it that you three have your entrails pulled out, you bodies roast on a grill and chopped to bits and then I'll have you three fed to my pet didgeridoo." M. Night Shyamalan said while rubbing a picture of Stevie seductively. No one would ever truly understand the feelings he made him feel.

"We won't fail you emporer Shyamalan." One of the figures said in a monotonous voice that had become famous the world over.

M. Night Shyamalan smiled. "You and me share much in common. Now, go. My scientists are putting the finishing touches to the inter dimensional portal as we speak."

Everything had fallen into play for the dark lord M. Night Shyamalan. However, not all of this mission was about Stevie. For the true reason of his actions would reveal themselves over time. And when they are revealed, M. Night Shyamalan will rule Hollywood. Once and for all...