Chapters Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
It was a bright sunny day, which is typical of fanfictions like this... off topic. Anyway... where was I?
Oh yeah.
It was a bright sunny day as Twilight Sparkle and Caramel were enjoying a nice, pleasant walk through the park.
"It's such a beautiful day out, isn't it?" Twilight asked Caramel.
"You bet!" Caramel chirped happily. Twilight shot Caramel a sweet smile as the two continued on.
"So what do you want to do today? I was thinking we could have a picnic after our walk. Seeing how beautiful it is outside." Twilight stated.
Caramel nodded in agreement. "Whatever you wanna do, Twi."
Twilight smiled to herself. She was so glad that Caramel finally worked up the courage to ask her out. And this "date" seemed to be working out just fine so far...
"What the?" Twilight muttered.
"What?" Caramel inquired. In response, Twilight pointed her hoof forward. In front of them was a muscular, hairless, black ape with what appeared to be a towel wrapped around its waist.
"Hello mare," he said to Twilight, before motioning to Caramel, "look at your colt, now back to me, now back to your man, now back to me. Sadly, he isn't me."
"Hey, what is that supposed to mean?" Caramel asked, insulted by this.
The hairless black ape ignored them. "But if he stopped using mare scented body wash and switched to Old Spice," he continued, as he held up a shampoo bottle with a label that said "old spice body wash", "he could smell like he's me."
Caramel and Twilight shared a sidelong glance as the ape continued. "Look down," He stated. causing Twilight and Caramel to glance down at the ground, "back up! Where are you? You're on a boat with a man your colt could smell like. What's in your hoof?" he asked Twilight, causing her to glance down at her hoof, which was empty. "Back at me. I have it."
Twilight's eyes widened as he pulled an oyster out of nowhere. "It's an oyster with two tickets to that thing you like." The oyster popped open, to reveal two golden tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala. Twilight looked at Caramel, who was obviously just as confused as she was. "Look again, the tickets are now diamonds." Sure enough, the oyster and the tickets for the Gala were replaced by a pile of diamonds, which were spilling out of his hand. Out of nowhere, the shampoo bottle rose out from under the pile of diamonds. "Anything is possible when your colt smells like Old Spice and not a mare."
Upon finishing this, the ape jumped on top of Lyra, who was passing by with Bon Bon in tow. "I'm on a horse!" the ape exclaimed.
"Get off of me!" Lyra cried, before being thrown off by Bon Bon. He promptly rose off the ground, fixed his towel, picked up his "Old Space", and ran off, stopping a few times to make sure his towel didn't fall down.
"W-what... what was that?" Caramel stammered, still shaken over the whole ordeal.
"I don't know... I need to contact Princess Celestia about this..." Twilight muttered to herself.
"Twilight!" A voice shouted behind her in the distance. She turned around to see Spike running towards her, a scroll from Princess Celestia in his claws grasp. "Twilight! Celestia sent this to you while you were- woah!" he called out as he tripped on one of the "Old Spice" bottles, causing him to fall right on his face, the scroll flying out of his claw and hitting Twilight in the face.
"Thanks Spike!" she chirped, not even bothering to check on the unconscious baby dragon before she unrolled the scroll and started reading.
Dear Twilight Sparkle...
Earlier today, I had a run in with a strange hairless ape known as a human, which up until know, was a mythilogical creature that appears in folklore and the T.V. series My Little Human. This human was a subspecies known as a black man. This human was... strange, to say the least. Here is how my encounter went...
Princess Celestia sat at the palaces dining table across from her sister, Princess Luna.
"Pray tell... what is this?" Luna asked, poking at her food cautiously with her fork.
"It's called pancakes, sister." Celestia answered, taking a bite out of her pancakes. "One of my favorite breakfasts ever since 1852."
Luna cautiously took a bite, chewed it slowly, and swallowed it. Her eyes widened in surprise, as smile spread across her face. "O-oh my! A better flavor has never passed our lips!" Luna exclaimed, taking another bite.
Suddenly, the main door slammed open as a large. muscular, black man walked in, wearing only a towel and clutching a shampoo bottle with a label that said "Old Spice body wash".
"What is this intrusion!" Luna shouted. "Guards, remove this insolent beast!"
Two nearby Royal Guards charged towards the "Old Spice Black Guy", only to be sent flying by a single slap from the man.
"You are no match for Old Spice Body Wash!" The ape shouted, fixing his towel as it began to fall down. "OLD SPICE BODY WASH WILL ROCK YOUR WORLD!"
After that, the Royal Guard Quick Response Team arrived and scared him off. Enclosed is a picture of this "Old Spice Guy".
As Celestia promised, a picture of the man was concealed inside the scroll. The man appeared much more muscular than the "Old Spice Guy" they encountered. And judging from what the Princess said, just as crazy.
"So there's more than one of them?" Caramel inquired.
"It would appear so." Twilight responded. "It's time to get the Elements of Harmony and get rid of these apes!"
"What about Spike?" Caramel asked.
"Who?" Twilight asked.
"Spike. Your baby dragon." Caramel elaborated.
"What about him?" Twilight inquired, one of her eyebrows raising slightly.
"I think he has a concussion." Caramel stated, pointing at the unconscious baby dragon, who had blood flooding out of his head and was being carted away by two orderlies.
"Nopony cares about him. Come on, let's go!" Twilight exclaimed, as she galloped off towards Ponyville. Caramel stood there and glanced down at the ground, which was covered in the diamonds the were flowing out of the black apes palm. Caramel picked one up and held it up to the suns light to test if they were real.
"Oh nice..." he cooed, as he figured out they were real. "Time to go sell these at the Cash 4 Gold store and buy some buckweed with the money. What could possibly go wrong?"
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
"Spike! Get in here!" Twilight shouted from the first floor of the library.
"But the doctor said I need bed rest!" Spike shouted out, before screaming in pain. "My skull!"
"Quit your whining. We need to get rid of the "black men"!" Twilight shouted, stomping her hoof on the floor, enraged.
"Ugh! I'll be right down!" Spike shouted back. She could hear him shuffling around upstairs and climbing down the stairs. She noticed that there was a large, blood soaked bandage covering his head, but she paid no mind to it. After all, Spike was a slave, not her relative or child.
"Spike, I want you to go out and collect the rest of the Element Bearers." Twilight said to him.
"But... I'm injured..." Spike whimpered.
"DAMMIT SPIKE! WHY CAN'T YOU LISTEN?!" Twilight shouted at the top of the lungs, her eyes glowing a bright purple as she lifted up a nearby vase with her telekinesis and chucked it at Spike with such force that the glass shards managed to penetrate his thick scales when it shattered.
[Note - We, the writers of this fic, do not condone child violence. We do, however, find it hilarious.]
"Oh buck..." Twilight muttered to herself, standing over Spike, who was knocked out cold. "Now I'm going to have to do everything myself! WHY DON'T YOU EVER BEHAVE, SPIKE?!" As she shouted this right in his face, she stomped her forehoof into his ribs as hard as she could.
Hoping Spike learned his lesson, Twilight picked up a quill and started writing down a letter for Princess Celestia.
Dear Princess Celestia,
I assure you I am just as concerned about these black men as you are. Earlier today, while I was out on a walk with my coltfriend (yay, I don't need to clop anymore!), I ran into a black man similar to the one you encountered. This one, however, seemed less muscular than the one you encountered. However, like the black man you encountered, he talked about a body wash called old spice, was able to pull off impossible feats without the use of magic, and was quite obviously insane. Please have somepony run over the Elements of Harmony while I gather the Element Bearers.
P.S. - I ran into Applejack's cousin earlier, and he said flaming crosses and dressing like ghosts would scare them off. Do you agree with this? It might be worth a shot if the Elements fail us. He said it worked with the Zebras in the South. Whatever that means...
Twilight quickly read through the letter and checked for any spelling errors. Satisfied, she lifted it up and dropped it next to Spike, hoping he would take a hint when he woke up and saw it lying next to him.
"Now, to gather the Elements! Pinkie should be the first pony I go to. She would probably be the best to consult in this endevour. Heck, it wouldn't surprise me if she was responsible for this whole mess." Twilight said to herself, before trotting outside the library.
Caramel walked through streets of Manehattan, keeping a tight grip on the leather pouch in between his teeth. He looked from side to side, looking around frantically. Finally, he found what he searching for: The Cash 4 Gold building.
"Sweet..." Caramel cooed, before trotting inside the building.
"Oh hello!" The mare from behind the bullet proof glassed called out to Caramel as he walked in. "I'm guessing your hear to sell your unwanted gold and jewelry."
"That's right." Caramel said, pushing the pouch through the slot. The mare smiled and picked the pouch up with her telekinesis, opening it and emptying its contents on the counter in front of her.
"These are real diamonds, right?" She asked, studying one of the diamonds carefully.
"I believe so. You can test them if you want." Caramel suggested. The mare nodded and held the diamond up to the light, studying it intently.
"Yeah, they check out... you didn't steal them, did you?" She inquired.
Caramel raised a brow. "Do I look like a zebra?"
The mare chuckled. "No, you don't. Though, you mat be big enough to be one." She said, winking suggestively.
"Ma'am, I have a marefriend, and you aren't my type. Now, how much can I get for these diamonds?" Caramel asked.
"Let's see... the market value for a diamond is about 500 bits right now... multiply by a hundred and sixty two... I will give you five thousand bits for them."
"I think you messed up on your math, ma'am." Caramel pointed out.
"Listen sonny, this is the highest anyone around here will go. I recommend you take what you can get, okay?" The mare suggested.
"Alright. Fine. Say... you wouldn't happen to know what the street value for buckweed is, do you?" Caramel asked.
"What a strange question." The mare said, chuckling. "But to answer you, a kilo would go for about two hundred fifty bits right now."
"Oh sweet!" Caramel exclaimed. 'That would give me plenty of bits leftover. Maybe I could buy Twilight a whip or something. Spike seems like a handful,' Caramel thought to himself as he walked outside of the Gold 4 Cash store.
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
You asked for it. You earned it. I love you guys. -Double M
"OLD SPICE ODOR BLOCKER BODY WASH IS TOO POWERFUL TO LET THIS COMMERCIAL END!" The giant Terry Crew shouted at the Manehattanites he was towering over, who were now running away in fear.
"BLOCK! BLOCK! BLOCK!" Terry shouted over and over again as he swatted away in the incoming Royal Guard pegasi like flies, sending each of them flying into nearby building and the ground below. Terry looked to his side and kicked a skyscraper beside him in half as he screamed "Dummy kick!"
"Explosions!" Caramel could hear somepony shout, before an explosion in the distance shook the earth.
"Crazy Manehattanites..." Caramel muttered to himself, walking into a dark ally. Sitting at the end of the ally was a cloaked pony holding a briefcase.
"I hear you seek buckweed." The mysterious pony said. He stood up and walked into the light, revealing a familiar zebra.
"Zecora? What are you doing here?" Caramel inquired.
"Both me and my costumers have desires, and I need money, good sire." Zecora said. "You can dip into your desires if you have the bits."
"I'll give you 750 bits for a kilo of buckweed." Caramel said, pulling out a pouch containing said bits. Zecora nodded and held out the briefcase, which Caramel happily took before tossing Zecora the pouch.
"The deed is done, bag this scum." Zecora stated to seemingly no one in particular. Before Caramel could ask what she meant, several police carts rolled up, all containing members of the Royal Guards Quick Response Team.
"Oh buck!" Caramel shouted. As the Guards marched towards him, a giant black foot stomped down on them and almost crushed him.
"POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!" A loud, masculan voice boomed from overhead. Caramel took this opprotunity to escape, leaving a likely mentally scarred Zecora behind.
"Guard, what am I looking at?" Celestia asked, watching the TV.
"It's a hit TV series called My Little Human." The Rookie pointed out.
"Ah yes. I have heard great reviews of this show. Is this what you wished to show me?" The Princess inquired.
"No ma'am, it's the wrong channel." The Rookie said, before picking up the nearby remote and flipping through the channel, tossing it aside casually as he flipped to the news channel.
On the TV was pictures of destruction, chaos, and death. The world famous Equestrian State Building had collapsed, many buildings and homes were damaged, flaming, or simply flattened, and the bodies of ponies were strewn around in the street. Lined up in the streets that weren't flooded with debris were dozens of military vehicles from nearby Fort Tolerance, all waiting for whatever caused this shitstorm to return.
"What caused this, Guard?" Celestia inquired, trying her best to keep her shock from showing.
"Nopony knows for sure, ma'am, but intel suggests it was a giant, hairless, muscular, black ape." The Rookie stated.
"Great...." Celestia muttered, before getting up and starting to walk out of the room. "I'm going to Manehattan, alert whoever is in charge down there I'm on my way."
"Yes ma'am." The Rookie responded.
"Pinkie, Ah don't know what's goin' on, but could ya at least put down the knife?!" Applejack pleaded, backing away from the enraged and obviously mentally disturbed pink pony.
Pinkie glanced at the knife she was grasping, before shaking her head. "You were always the most racist one around, Applejack."
"What? Ah ain't racist. Keep yer stereotypes to yerself." Applejack stated, glaring at her.
"Wait... so you're not racist?" Pinkie inquired.
"Yes, Ah'm not racist." Applejack stated as clearly as she could. Pinkie glanced down at her knife before tossing it aside, putting on her best pokerface (which would be what is known as a very bad pokerface).
"Sorry to scare you Applejack. It's just that Twilight is kind of a..." Pinkie began, not sure how to describe it.
"Don't worry yourself over it, sugarcube. Why don't we go talk to Fluttershy about your problems. She's probably more qualified at this stuff than me." Applejack suggested. Pinkie Pie nodded, as Applejack led Pinkie out of the Sugar Cube Corner.
"Please sir, stand still! You're making this difficult!" Rarity exclaimed, juggling around several measuring tapes while also trying to keep the ape from moving with her magic.
"Lady, I must spread the word about Old Spice, the holiest of all body washes." Isaiah protested, trying to escape his magic binds.
"A holy man, hmm? Are you a prophet?" Rarity inquired, an idea for a design already in her head.
"Where I come from, I guess I could be considered one." Isaiah said, trying to shrug.
"Give me a minute." She stated, releasing the Old Spice Guy from his magic binds and galloping over to her design table, hastily writing down a stream of equations. Isaiah planned to book it the moment he was released, but his curiosity got the best of him. Rarity placed her pencil aside and pulled a long roll of silk fabric out of a nearby chest, as well as a long, flowing wig.
"This design is quite simple, darling. It will only take a minute or two, and you'll be on your way." Rarity stated. She took a glance at his third leg as casually as she could muster, to make sure he really wasn't a tripod. Of course, as she originally thought, it wasn't a leg. After a few minutes of cutting and stitching, she levitated the completed product over him and placed it on him, as well as placing the wig over his head. Isaiah looked into a nearby mirror and admired the design.
"What do you think?" She inquired.
Isaiah did a double take. He looked a lot like a Black Jesus. Actually, exactly like a Black Jesus. The robe was a little tight, which showed off his muscles and body. It also smelled like... somehow, it smelt like Old Spice.
"I was able to use a spell that would give that robe a permanent scent of man scented body wash." Rarity stated.
"My God... it's a miracle..." Isaiah muttered to himself.
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
Isaiah Mustafa, now Black Jesus, walked out of the boutique, a bottle of Old Spice in his hand. Beside him trotted Rarity, who volunteered to be one of his twelves disciples after finding how much better Old Spices mare scented body wash was compared to the much more expensive products she used.
Black Jesus had a mission, and that was to spread the word of Old Spice to colts, mares, and foals alike. He also had another mission, and that was to reunite with Steroids Man and take down his giant brother, a false prophet who used Old Spices holiness for power.
But first, he must convert the locals in the area to Old Spice body wash. Rarity led Black Jesus into the town center, earning all sorts of strange looks. Some of the ponies were confused about Black Jesus, having never seen a human before. Others were lustful, taking notice of his bulging muscles and his "leg". They walked up to the Apple families stand, where Big Mac was selling their product.
"Big Macintosh, may I ask a favor of you?" Rarity inquired.
"Eeyup." He replied simply.
"My friend here is a holy man, and wishes to spread the word of his sacred body wash, Old Spice. May we use your stand as a stage so he may preach?" Rarity asked.
"Nope. Apple Spice is the best body wash." Big Mac proclaimed.
"Let me see for myself." Black Jesus said, stepping towards Big Mac, taking a deep whiff of his scent.
It kind of freaked Big Mac out.
"It would appear you are wearing mares scented body wash, my son. Here, smell." Black Jesus offered, holding part of his robe out to the stallion. Reluctantly, Big Mac cautiously sniffed the robe. His eyes widened with surprise and his jaw dropped, experiencing the miracle of Old Spice for the first time in his life. It smelt like how a colt should smell, the type of colt that the ladies wanted. Black Jesus smiled, offering the bottle of Old Spice in his hand to the stallion, who quickly took it and stowed it away.
"Go ahead." Big Macintosh urged.
Black Jesus nodded, climbing on top of the stand. After checking if it was sturdy enough, he helped Rarity up, so she could help spread the word.
"Attention! Attention please!" Rarity called out to the crowd, using her magic to augment her voice. All the ponies in the town center turned their heads to Rarity and Black Jesus. "We have an announcement."
"My children, I have come from far away lands to save you. Where I lived, we heard word of a land where colts smell like ladies, and mares use expensive body washes, shampoos, and perfumes that colts pretend to like. Mares, be honest with me, does your colt smell like a mare?" Black Jesus asked.
"Mine does," one of the mares called out, "he uses that Apple Spice stuff."
"My colt does too!" Another mare called out. A chorus of agreements from the mares in the crowd followed.
Black Jesus raised his hands into the air, signalling them to stop their chatter so he could continue. "And colts, don't you hate the smell of your mares perfumes, shampoos, and body washes?"
"Yes!" All the colts in crowd shouted out in unison, earning annoyed glances from the mares.
"We have the answer, fellow ponies!" Rarity called out, levitating a bottle of Old Spices mare scented body wash out of her bag. Black Jesus held out his hand, and a bottle of Old Spice colts scented body wash rose out of his palm, earning a chorus of "ooo's" and "ahhh's".
"My children, this is the answer to your prayers. The answer your Goddesses couldn't answer. Rarity, my disciple, would you mind giving them a demo?" Black Jesus requested.
"My pleasure, darling." Rarity cooed, her horn pulsing a bright blue as she cast a spell that sent out a wave of smell.
"This, my children, is Old Spice colts scented body wash." Black Jesus stated. "Mares, isn't this what you want your colts to smell like?"
A wave of cheers of agreement emanated from the mares in the crowd. Black Jesus turned to Rarity and smiled at her, signalling her to use the other spell. "And this, my children, is Old Spices mares scented body wash."
Upon saying this, Rarity's horn almost turned a whitish color, as she transformed the scent into the mares scented variant.
"Colts, isn't this how you wish your mares smelt like? So you wouldn't have to pretend that she smells good."
"Yes!" All the colts shouted, this time not earning annoyed glances from the nearby mares.
Black Jesus knelt down slightly and bowed his head. "Father, gives these ponies the scent they deserve. Cleanse them of their bad scent." Black Jesus whispered.
Seconds later, a bottle of Old Spice appeared in front of each and every mare, colt, and foal in the town center. A wave of applause and cheering resounded from the crowd.
"Thank you, my disciple." Black Jesus said to Rarity.
"It was nothing." Rarity replied smugly, blushing bashfully from the praise.
Meanwhile, in Trottingham, Steroids Man sprinted through the streets, not even breaking a sweat. He jumped up into the air, leaping over a trio of townhouses and landing in the town square, the cement cracking under him.
"ALL YOU SCRAWNY WEAKLINGS NEED OLD SPICE IN YOUR LIFE! OLD SPICE IS SO POWERFUL, IT CAN BLOCK OUT THE SUN!" Steroids Man shouted at the frightened ponies surrounding him. As he said this, the sun slowly dimmed and died out.
Celestia flew in the general direction of Manehattan as fast as she could, hoping to get there before the giant hairless black ape got back. And before it got dark, it seemed the sun was setting at a very rapid pace.
But... it was still the afternoon...
Celestia teleported out into space, about 10,000 miles away from the sun. Where the sun was supposed to be, at least.
"OH HELL NO!" Celestia shouted, her horn glowing a piercing white light. Seconds later, a new sun formed.
"WHAT?!" Steroids Man shouted, enraged, before stomping off.
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
The next day, Rarity and Black Jesus walked through the streets of Ponyville, followed by a mass of followers. All smelling of Old Spice Body Wash. It appeared that word of Old Spice spread rather quickly, as every citizen in Ponyville seemed to now be using Old Spice Body Wash.
"Well, well, well... if it isn't Zigger Jesus. Why don't you go back to your country, you fugly zigger." A voice suggested from a dark alley. Black Jesus turned to face the source of this voice to see a fat zebra walk out of the darkness, one of his eyes missing.
"What did you just say?!" Rarity demanded, summoning a magical spear in preparations to take out this non-believer.
"Rarity, my disciple, put that away. He knows not what he speaks. My son, what is your name?" Black Jesus inquired.
"My name, mister Zigger Jesus, is Uncle Zuckus... no relation." Uncle Zuckus responded. The crowd that had been following Black Jesus looked about ready to kill him.
"What the hell is this?!" Apple Spice's CEO, Prince Blueblood, demanded from his fellow executives. "Profits are down seventy five percent! How the hell did this happen?! Ninety percent of Equestria's colts use Apple Spice Body Wash!"
"Sir, it would appear a new body wash has came to Equestria to replace Apple Spice. The person selling the stuff has claimed it is God's chosen body wash, and that Apple Spice is for mares. Another person claims that Old Spice gives you near infinite amounts of power, and demonstrated this by taking out the sun yesterday." One of the executives stated.
"What?! How can this happen? I had Celestia get rid of all our competition years ago." Blueblood stated.
"As I said, this is not from Equestria." The executive said.
Blueblood slammed his hoof down on the table in anger. "Dammit! Get me Celestia!" Blueblood ordered.
"Princess Celestia!" A Lieutenant shouted out in surprise as the Goddess of the Sun landed nearby, before bowing.
"Rise, Lieutenant. We have no time for this! I need a status report." Celestia stated.
"Of course, your majesty. We deployed the 377th Armored Guard Division to defend the city against further attacks. The 56th Airborne Division is currently patrolling the nearby areas, but it shouldn't really be that hard to see him. He's about a mile tall." The Lieutenant stated.
The Lieutenant's radio crackled to life, gunfire coming out from the speaker. "This is 3rd Platoon! Target sighted! Requesting assistance!"
"Roger that, 3rd Platoon. 2nd Battalion is on its way." General Trotton's voice responded.
"That's our cue! Mount up!" The Lieutenant shouted, as he ran towards a nearby IFV. "Princess, are you coming or not?"
"Of course, I-"
"Princess, Prince Blueblood is demanding your audience in Canterlot immediately." One of her Royal Guards stated, having just caught up with her. "He says it's important."
"Ugh... Lieutenant, continue on without me. I'll be back once I deal with this." Celestia promised, before teleporting inside of Blueblood's office. The sudden appearance of his aunt startled Blueblood, causing him to fall out of his chair.
"Dammit..." Blueblood muttered to himself, before rising off the ground, "you startled me, auntie."
"What's going on?" Celestia inquired.
"I have a bit of a problem. Apple Spice profits are down seventy five percent, and-"
"Let me get this straight... you called me away from a warzone, just so you could talk to me about your stupid body wash business?" Celestia stated sternly, Celestia's normally happy and kind smile turning into a scowl.
"That's not all, auntie. The new body wash that has been stealing all my customers seems to be turning into a religion. What do you think will happen when you are exposed as a lie? Sure, silencing a few ponies who stumble upon the truth is easy, but hundreds, thousands, possibly millions of ponies would be damn near impossible to stop. Two of the Elements of Harmony have already joined its leader as his disciples." Blueblood said.
"What?! Who is this leader?!" Celestia demanded.
"His name is Isaiah Mustafa, but he is known as Black Jesus, or simply Jesus." Blueblood stated.
Celestia took a deep breath and tried to calm herself down. Two Elements were already with him, and surely the other four will follow. Twilight, the strongest of the six, may side with her, but the others were surely join Black Jesus. There was no doubt about it.
"Thanks for bringing this to my attention, nephew. I will handle it as soon as I can. However, I currently have more pressing matters at hand. I will be back later in the evening." Celestia promised, before teleporting out the room.
"He just ripped us apart like nothing, sir..." The lone survivor of 3rd platoon stated. He was trembling, bruised, and covered in the blood of his comrades. "We used rockets, anti-infantry rounds, grenades, and it barely scratched him. He took out our two Mustangs like nothing."
The Lieutenant patted the survivors shoulder in an attempt to comfort him. "We got it from here trooper, we'll get you out of here. I'm sorry about your friends." The Lieutenant nodded to the Private standing beside him, who helped the survivor up and loaded him into a nearby Mustang IFV. The ground shook as a column of M1A2 Warhorses, the Equestrian military's primary main battle tank, and M2A3 Mustang's, the Equestrian military's primary infantry fighting vehicle and armored personnel carrier, rolled down the street. Several squadrons of F-22A Pegasi flew over, missiles pouring out of them. The Lieutenant climbed aboard a passing Mustang and climbed inside of it.
"Lieutenant Spark, sir!" A Sergeant called out in surprise, before saluting the Lieutenant. The Lieutenant returned the salute.
"At ease. Sergeant, I am commandeering this vehicle to help coordinate the assault on the giant ape."
"It would be an honor sir." The Sergeant said. The Lieutenant nodded and opened the top hatch, popping his head out of it.
Black Jesus ducked as Uncle Zuckus tried to throw a brick at his head, which just barely missed him. The crowd quickly turned to violence as they started to charge at the now fleeing zebra, only to be blocked by Black Jesus.
"Please, children. He knows not what he does. He does not deserve death or injury for that." Black Jesus stated. The crowd slowly stood down and walked away, besides his disciple and two ponies. He remembered one of them from earlier, a large stallion who was named Big Macintosh.
"Jesus, these are my friends, Applejack and Big Macintosh. They would like to become your disciples." Rarity stated. The two ponies bowed before Black Jesus.
Black Jesus smiled kindly at them. "Rise, my children. We are all equal in the eyes of God, for we all smell of Old Spice. Not even your false goddesses smell of Old Spice. We're travelling to Los Pegasus next, to continue spreading the word of Old Spice. Are you up to the challenge, my disciples?"
"Yes sir." Applejack proclaimed.
"Eeyup." Big Mac stated plainly.
"As always, darling." Rarity cooed.
"Good, get your rest. We begin our journey at dawn." Black Jesus said.
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
[Short Chapter, I know. Quit your bitching.]
"You sure you want to do this, my disciple?" Black Jesus asked Big Mac. Rarity and Applejack were busy trying to hook a cart up to the large stallion.
"Eeyup." Big Mac responded with a nod.
"Old Spice will give you the power of a million pegasi. I have faith in you, my son." Black Jesus assured, before helping Rarity and Applejack into the cart and climbing in himself.
"Los Pegasus ain't too far away. We can head ta Las Pegas afterwords." Applejack stated. Black Jesus nodded, biting into one of the apples that they brought along with them.
"Ready?" Big Mac asked.
"Ready!" The three in the cart responded.
Big Mac nodded and started trotting forward at a brisk pace, effortlessly leading the heavy cart down the road out of Ponyville.
Hidden in the shadows, watching Black Jesus and his disciples, was Uncle Zuckus. As soon as he was sure he was out of their eyesight, he started following their tracks, with the intention of stopping this stupid zigger.
"Oh, this zigger is gonna regret this. How dare he try to spread his zigger faith here. There's only two goddesses in this universe, and it gonna stay that way." Zuckus said to himself.
Little did Uncle Zuckus know, one of these 'Goddesses' were also following Black Jesus. Sitting on a cloud hovering about the road, was Princess Luna herself. While she hated the Old Spice Guy who has been come to be known as Steroids Man, this Old Spice Guy went about things a different way. He was courteous, caring, and kind to his followers. When that fat, one-eyed zebra chucked a brick at him, Black Jesus blocked his angry followers and calmed them down, instead of letting them rip him apart.
"Tia, you may think this man as evil... a curse to all of Ponykind... but you are wrong..." Luna muttered to herself, "T'is you who is the curse, sister. After thousands of years of oppressing your fellow pony, I will not stand and let you rid of this kind gentleman. I will help him, for t'is the right thing to do."
And with that, Luna extended her wings and took flight, gliding high above Black Jesus and his disciples.
"He's waking up!" Scootaloo called out to her friends, who quickly ran over to join her. Spikes eyes fluttered open, as he opened his mouth to speak, but words didn't come out.
It was a scream.
A scream of agony and pain.
"Hold'm down!" Applebloom shouted, as she and Scootaloo ran up and held down the flailing baby dragon. Sweetie Belle stood there, transfixed.
"Sweetie Belle, get me some morphine!" Scootaloo shouted. Sweetie Belle looked around frantically, as her eyes fell upon a large syringe, with an even bigger needle.
"Where did you get this?" She inquired, handing the syringe over to Scootaloo.
"Borrowed it from the hospital." Scootaloo replied, stabbing the needle into Spikes arm. The dragon cringed slightly, before going limp.
"Is he dead?" Sweetie Belle asked.
"Nah, he's just doped out." Scootaloo replied.
The front door opened, as Caramel walked inside, covered in dirt and ash.
"What the hell happened to Spike?" He asked. "We need to take him to a hospital."
Before the three fillies could voice their protests, Caramel picked up Spike and slung him over his shoulder, running out of the library.
"Aw... buck..." Applebloom muttered to himself.
"What is it, Applebloom?" Sweetie Belle asked.
"Spike never got to see me in my sexy nurse costume." Applebloom responded, pouting.
"POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" Steroids Man shouted, as he flew around in the skies above Trottingham. Summoning bottles of Old Spices Colt Scented Body Wash using his black magic, he dropped the bottles on the heads of unsuspecting ponies below.
"OLD SPICE ODOR BLOCKER GIVES YOU THE POWER TO FLY WITHOUT WINGS! IT GIVES YOU THE POWER TO USE MAGIC WITHOUT A HORN! IT GIVES YOU... POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!" Steroids Man shouted down at the citizens of Trottingham. The sound of Steroids Mans voice made the ponies below tremble with fear. They understood. They understood that Old Spice's power couldn't be matched. And they also know that it was the best odor blocker and body wash in existence.
In only a single day, Steroids Man made the entire populace of Trottingham bow at his feet, with barely any effort. All thanks to the power of Old Spice.
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
"Rarity, my disciple, is the stage ready yet?" Black Jesus inquired. Rarity turned to Black Jesus and smiled, before checking her notes.
"The Old Spice bottle pyramid is almost complete, and the Old Spice waterfall is all set. By the way, do you like my outfit?" Rarity inquired. Black Jesus looked over the mare, who was wearing a sparkly, blue silk dress.
"By the Spice..." Black Jesus muttered, his jaw dropping ever so slightly.
"Speaking of the Spice, I used the spell I used on your robe on this dress. So that way, I have the permanent smell of mares scented body wash."
Black Jesus's jaw dropped even more before he regained his composure. "May I... may I test it?"
Rarity nodded, stepping closer to him, allowing Black Jesus to take a small whiff of her. Truly, she smelt of what a mare should smell like. She smelt like a mixture of strawberries and mango's.
"Um... Jesus... you're mouth is watering..." Rarity pointed out.
"Huh? Oh, my apologizes, my child." Black Jesus apologized, before summoning a tissue with his black magic and wiping away the saliva.
"Don't apologize, darling. You wouldn't believe how many colts drool over me." Rarity said with a dismissive wave.
Applejack poked her head in through a nearby door way. "Ey' Jesus?"
"What is it, my child?" Black Jesus asked.
"Somepony... someone, Ah I mean, is ere' ta see ya." Applejack stated.
"I'll be right there." Black Jesus stated, before turning back to Rarity. "I'll be back, my disciple. Keep up the good work."
"Of course I will, Jesus. A prophet such as yourself deserves perfection." Rarity stated, before turning back to her work.
"Spike, can you hear me?" An unknown voice inquired. Slowly, Spike opened his eyes, barely being able to make out a colt in a doctors uniform.
"Can you hear me?" The voice repeated. Spike nodded weakly.
"Please, refrain from moving. The slightest movement could reopen the wound. I was just testing if you were brain dead." The voice stated. "If you're wondering where you are, you are in Ponyville hospital. My name is Doctor Clopper. I would appear you had quite a terrible accident."
Spike muttered something under his breath.
"I'm sorry?" Clopper asked.
"Accident my ass..." Spike said weakly, before passing out.
Uncle Zuckus fell to his knees in front of the Playcolt Amphitheatre, barely able to breathe. For most ponies, that journey would be just like a stroll in the park, especially for a zebra. But not for a zebra as fat as Zuckus.
"When *wheeze* I get my *cough**cough* hooves on that zigger, I'm gonna *cough* beat the black out of *wheeze**cough* him." Uncle Zuckus barely managed to say, before fell over on his side from exhaustion.
When Zuckus opened his eyes, he saw everypony just walking past him like nothing had happened.
As he passed out, Zuckus realized something about them.
They didn't give a single fuck about him. The fucks they gave for him were literally falling out of the sky.
Black Jesus followed Applejack into the next room over, closing the door behind him with his black magic. Looking around, Jesus spotted a familiar person chatting with Big Macintosh.
"Bruce?" Black Jesus inquired, shocked to see his friend here.
"Surprised to see me?" Bruce Campbell asked, rising up from his chair.
"Yes, of course I am. Where have you been?" Black Jesus asked.
"Well... I was in Las Pegas, singing for supermodels." Bruce responded, with a sly smile.
Several days ago...
Bruce Campbell strolled out of the bathroom and up to his piano, which he nicknamed ahoy , and sat down at it. He glanced over at the three supermodels nearby, who were named Fleur de Lis,
"This is a song named Hungry Like The Wolf, something I'm dedicating to you three gorgeous mares." Bruce Campbell said, before placing his fingers on the piano and started playing a little melody.
"Dark in the city, night is a wire... steam in the subway, Earth is a fire... do do, do-do... do-do... do-do... do do..." He sang, glancing up to see two other mares trot in the listen.
"Woman you want me, give me a sign... and catch me breathing even closer behind... do do do-do... do do... do do... do do... do do do-dooooo..." He continued to sing.
"Ahoy..." Fleur muttered as he paused.
"In touch with the ground," Bruce continued to sing, glancing up to find that the mares have crowded around him, and one of them was actually sprawled out on top of ahoy , "I'm on the hunt after you... smell like a sound, and lost in a crowd, and I'm hungry like the wolf..."
"After that, I had a sixsome with them." Bruce Campbell stated.
"Ah think it would be consider an orgy by then, Bruce." Big Mac stated. "Ah would know."
"He's right." Black Jesus pointed out. Bruce Campbell shrugged indifferently.
"Anyways, I heard about you spreading the word of Old Spice, so decided to come and help out." Bruce said.
"Excellent. Can you still do that thing with your arm?" Black Jesus inquired.
"What, you mean this?" Bruce asked with a smirk, as his arm started to transform and morphed into a large chainsaw.
"Dear Celestia..." Applejack muttered slightly. Big Mac's jaw dropped at the sight of Bruce's chainsaw arm, the piece of straw that Big Mac always had in his mouth falling out of his mouth and drifting lazily to the floor.
"Great. That will come handy in upcoming battle against Giant Terry Crews." Black Jesus stated, before turning around and walking towards the door. "Come on, Bruce. You must meet my third disciple."
"Wake up, Uncle Zuckus." A benevolent voice commanded. Uncle Zuckus's eyes shot open as he sat up and looked up, noticing that Princess Celestia herself was standing over him.
"Praise Celestia!" Zuckus proclaimed, quickly bowing as low to the ground as he could for her.
"Rise, Zuckus. We have no time. Where is Black Jesus?!" She demanded.
"He's in there!" Zuckus responded, pointing towards the amphitheater. "Oh, you should have heard the things he said about you. He claimed you were fake, and everypony believed him! But I know better than to believe his blasphemy."
"Well... that was easier than I thought... Uncle Zuckus, I am going to need your assistance to find and eliminate Black Jesus." Celestia stated.
"It would be an honor, my goddess." Zuckus said, before pausing to think. "But what of the elements bearers? Two of them have sided with him."
A small smile spread across the princesses face. "Do not worry, my pony. We can replace them." With a wave of her hoof, two SUV's pulled up. Their doors opened, as ponies clad in black uniforms and body armor poured out and charged up the steps leading to the Amphitheaters entrance.
Princess Celestia walked gracefully up the steps, motioning Uncle Zuckus to follow her. "You will be rewarded greatly for your assistance, Uncle Zuckus. Me and my sister are in debt to you for this. Once we eliminate Black Jesus and his followers, I will personally give you anything you desire. Mares, bits, power, whatever you want." The princess promised.
"Anything?" Uncle Zuckus asked in disbelief.
"Anything." Princess Celestia repeated, as she pulled a large 44. magnum out of the holster that was strapped to her thigh.
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
"Bruce, this is Rarity." Black Jesus stated, as they walked up to the fashionista. "Rarity, this is Bruce Campbell."
"Charmed." They both said in unison.
"Say... don't I know you from somewhere?" Bruce asked.
"Possibly. My face is quite well known around Equestria." Rarity responded.
Bruce scratched his chin for a few seconds, thinking back to the past. "Oh! I remember. I think I ordered this suit from you." Bruce said, motioning down at the tuxedo he was wearing.
"Oh, yes. I'm surprised I didn't recognize my own hoofwork." Rarity stated, rubbing the back of her neck.
"Oh well. I didn't come to see you in person since I already had my measurements, so I'm not surprised you don't recognize me. Anyways, Black Jesus, I was hoping to help spread the word of Old Spice, and play the piano at your speeches."
"Sounds like a good idea." Black Jesus said.
"Great. Do we have anyone who can help move ahoy in-"
Before Bruce could finish, he was interupted by a large explosion at the amphitheaters entrance. Seeing the explosion, Black Jesus summoned a forcefield with his black magic, protecting him and the others from the wave of flame and shrapnel.
"Is everypony alright?!" Applejack called out.
"Just fine!" Bruce responded, his right arm morphing into its chainsaw form. As the dust cleared, a group of ponies wearing black uniforms charged in. They formed a line around Black Jesus and his followers and aimed their firearms at them. Behind them walked Uncle Zuckus and Princess Celestia, her normally kind and caring face covered in an angry scowl.
"There he is, Princess. That stupid zigger who keeps making claims that you are a false goddess." Uncle Zuckus said to Celestia. Celestia continued to march forward, passing the line of soldiers and walking right up to the force field.
"Well... well... well... if it isn't Black Jesus..." Princess Celestia hissed, "I don't know what you're trying to pull. Why do you keep spreading these lies about me and Apple Spice, Jesus?"
"Old Spice is God's chosen body wash. Apple Spice is a false body wash, that makes colts smell like mares. And you, princess, are a false goddess. You have taken advantage of your own kind of power and money. I have been sent to get rid of you and Apple Spice." Black Jesus stated calmly.
Princess Celestia cackled maniacally. "And how are you going to do that? We have you outnumbered and outgunned."
"Through a miracle. That should be coming any second now..."
As if on cue, a large chunk in the wall behind Black Jesus and his followers crumbled, revealing Princess Luna.
"Luna?! What are you doing?!" Celestia demanded.
""We are done with your lies and deceit, Tia'! Everytime somepony decides they want to have freedom, you kill them and hide the evidence! Just like now! But no more!" Luna shouted at Celestia with her Canterlot voice. Luna reached into her saddlebag and pulled out a compact assault rifle. "Jesus, we will help fight off this horrible excuse for a pony."
"Luna, this is your last chance. I won't hesitate to have you killed if you are a threat." Celestia stated.
"In the words of Rainbow Dash... 'bring it'." Luna stated, a confident smirk spreading across her face.
"Kill-" Celestia began, before Steroids Man crashed through the roof and tackled the Princess.
"POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRR!!!!" Steroids Man shouted as he took the princesses magnum and crushed it in his hand. The nearby soldiers shifted their aim to Steroids Man and opened fire.
The bullets simply bounced off his bulging muscles, as Steroids Man rose up off Celestia and lifted her up by mane and threw her into a nearby wall.
"OLD SPICE IS TOO POWERFUL FOR BULLETS!!!" Steroids Man shouted, grabbing the nearest soldier and ripping him apart with his bare hands.
"Bruce, go help him out." Black Jesus ordered his companion. Bruce nodded, switching on his chainsaw as he charged into the fray, sawing the nearest soldiers head off in a single slice. Luna ran up beside him, shouldering her assault rifle and mowed down the first soldier she laid eyes on.
"Pull back, pull back!" The Commander shouted, realizing that his men were no match for Old Spice's power. "Get the Princess! Echelon Six, cover us!"
Five survivors charged up, unloading their assault rifles on the trio of Black Jesus's followers as the rest fell back, a few of the ponies stopping to carry away the unconscious princess. As the rest of the survivors left the building, the ponies stayed behind fled, two of them getting mowed down by Luna's assault rifle fire.
"Flee, you cowardly fools!" Luna shouted at the fleeing soldiers, firing off another long burst in their direction.
"And then he used his black magic to throw bottles of body wash at me!" Pinkie stated, all in one breathe.
Fluttershy nodded in understanding, even though she truly didn't understand. "Sounds like quite the ordeal..." Fluttershy said.
"Uh huh!" Pinkie said, nodding her head rapidly.
"Pinkie, I doubt he meant anything by it. I mean, I use Old Spice's mare scented body wash now after seeing him in the market. He's really nice..." Fluttershy said, with a small smile.
"I don't believe it." Pinkie stated out.
"Well... we could go to Los Pegasus to see him... if you want... that is..." Fluttershy suggested.
"Fine, but I'll buck him up if he tries anything." Pinkie stated, rising from the couch she was lying sexily on.
"Wait, Pinkie!" Fluttershy blurted out.
"What is it?"
"Could you... could you lie back down and say draw me like one of your Prench mares?"
"Fine..." Pinkie muttered with a giggle, before lying back down and saying "draw me like one of your Prench mares."
"What the hell was that?!" Commander Clopper demanded, watching as the Princess was loaded up into a helicopter for MEDVAC.
"I don't know sir, but they certainly raped our shit." A random soldier called out.
"How many ponies did we lose?" Another asked.
"About half of our number. Those guys were invincible." Clopper responded.
"It's that Old Spice stuff. I hear it gives you the power to fly without wings."
"And the power to use magic without a horn."
"And the power to have as much sex as you want."
"Dear Celestia... we're going to need some..." Clopper muttered.
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
"UGH!" Twilight blurted out, burying her face in her hooves. "Where is everypony?!"
In the past day, Twilight searched all over Ponyville for the other element bearers. After running away from Pinkie, screaming, she traveled to the Sweet Apple Acres. After she discovered that nopony was there, she went to the market to see if Applejack was selling apples. When she arrived, she found that the normally bustling market empty, except for a few pleasant mares and colts.
Frustrated, Twilight gave up and went home for a good nights sleep. After lunch, she went to Fluttershy's cottage to enlist her help, but found it devoid of ponies and a hostile bunny, who chucked a carrot at her face when he opened the door.
She then tried to get Rarity to help her, but found that she had also left for Las Pegasus, according to her parents and sister. Defeated, Twilight went back home to pout and think things through.
Suddenly, there was a pounding on the door. Twilight got up from her seat and opened the door, to find Rainbow Dash standing at the door.
"Hey Twilight, what's up?" She asked.
"Rainbow Dash! Thank Celestia you're here!" Twilight proclaimed, pulling her inside before she could react. "We have an emergency on our hooves."
Rainbow Dash looked at Twilight strangely. "What type of emergency?" She inquired.
"There is a black hairless ape trying to overthrow Celestia. We need to stop him before his black magic destroys all of Equestria!"
"Woah, calm down Twilight. Where's the others?"
"They are all in Las Pegasus... I think they want to support the black man."
"Black hairless ape... sounds really familiar..." Rainbow Dash muttered, scratching her chin, "oh yeah! I know him. Black Jesus right?"
"That's what they call him?" Twilight inquired.
"Yeah. He's awesome! I don't know what you have against him. The entire town loves him." Rainbow Dash stated.
"He's trying to get rid of Celestia!" Twilight shouted at her.
Rainbow shrugged her wings. "Look Twilight... you just need to meet the guy. I was skeptical at first too, but after talking to him, I know what he is saying. Come on, we're going to Las Pegasus."
Black Jesus stood on the stage and looked over the amphitheater. It was a complete wreck. The chairs that were set up throughout the theater were for the most part destroyed. There were numerous holes in the walls, and hundreds of spent rounds on the floor. Not to mention, the Old Spice bottle pyramid and Old Spice waterfall were ruined.
"What are we going to do now, Jesus?" Rarity inquired, walking up beside him.
"Even though your false goddess tried to stop us spreading the truth and the word of Old Spice, she will not stop us. Old Spice gave me the power to fix this." Black Jesus stated. He raised his hands into the air and concentrated, his hands glowing a pitch black aura. Seconds later, the same aura surrounded the theater, as the chairs hovered in the air, were repaired, and put back in position. The spent rounds were lifted off the ground and dumped into some nearby trashcans, as the holes in the walls were repaired. The large hole in the entrance from the explosion was replaced by a new wall and door.
Once the job was done, Black Jesus relaxed, barely breaking a sweat. He kneeled and whispered a quick prayer, thanking God for the power of Old Spice.
Princess Luna walked up behind him and cleared her throat to get his attention. "We respect thy magical abilities. Such mastery of the arts are beyond even us."
Black Jesus rose from the ground and turned to face the princess, who was just about as tall as him. "Old Spice gives me an unmatched power. My brothers, Steroids Man and Bruce Campbell, escaped unscathed from that battle thanks to the power of Old Spice."
"This has not gone unnoticed by us. We have seen many spectacular feats, but none such as that." Luna stated.
"The power of the Spice is much stronger than anything in the known universe. My father used the power of Old Spice to create the universe and life. He used it to craft me, he used it craft you, he even used it to craft this." Black Jesus stated, motioning to his robe. "Everything that exists is made through Old Spice. And your species must know the truth."
"We and some of our fellow ponies have known Celestia was lying for a long time. But every time somepony tried to spread the truth, she sends in her secret police to eliminate the threat. Thou may be the first to actually take on her secret police and survive."
A smile spread across Black Jesus's face, as he placed his hand on Luna's back. "All will know the truth soon enough. Their bullets and explosives are useless against the power of Old Spice."
"We will support thy cause, my good sir. As will my soldiers, the members of the Lunar Special Forces Group. And trust us when we say this, for we know plenty of others will follow." Luna promised.
"Well Spike, everything seems to check out. You can wheel yourself home and get some bedrest." Doctor Clopper stated.
Spike, who was covered head to toe in bandages and casts (which to be honest, was completely unnecessary), sat in his wheelchair. "Are you kidding me? I have a fractured skull."
"Who cares?" The doctor stated, "Your insurance certainly didn't. They didn't give two fucks about you. Now get out of my hospital."
Spike grumbled angrily as he wheeled his way out of the hospital. The exit doors slid open automatically as he rolled up to them and out towards the street.
"Come on Twilight, drive faster!" Rainbow Dash hooted excitedly, as Twilight drove pushed her corvette to about a hundred miles per hour. A satifisfied smirk crossed Twilight's face as she pressed down harder on the accelerator, her engine loudly showing off its power.
Spike rolled out into the street to cross to the other side. His head popped up as he heard the sound of Twilight's cars engine.
"What the-" Spike managed to get out, before Twilight's corvette crashed into him and sent him flying to the curb.
"DAMMIT SPIKE! YOU BETTER HAVE NOT SCRATCHED THE PAINT!" Spike heard Twilight shout at him, before he passed out from his injuries.
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
Twilight's car pulled into amphitheaters parking lot after their four hour drive. Despite heavy traffic, Twilight and Rainbow Dash still managed to be a half an hour early.
"Ugh, I hate driving." Rainbow Dash complained, stepping out of the corvette and stretching her wings. Twilight cracked her neck, a loud snap from her bones sounding off.
"It was the only way for us arrive together on time. I'm going to need all the back up I can get." Twilight stated, as she started trotting towards the entrance, with Rainbow Dash hovering beside her. Twilight look slightly to the side and noticed that Fluttershy's sedan was parked nearby.
"Halt!" Somepony ordered. Two black colts wearing ACU's marched up them, their patches showing they were part of the Lunar Special Forces. "The show isn't until later. You need to leave."
"But, I must go in. I'm an Element Bearer, for Celestia's sake!" Twilight protested.
"Listen ma'am, I have orders to let nopony in. Not even you." One of the soldiers stated.
"Sergeant, is that Twilight Sparkle?" Luna's voice inquired, coming from the Sergeant's radio.
"Yes ma'am." He replied.
"Allow them entry. We sent an escort to keep an eye on them." Luna's voice stated.
The Sergeant grumbled to himself and opened the door for the mares. They nodded to him, before trotting inside.
Caramel trotted through the streets of Ponyville, his head drooped low to the ground. His attempts to buy buckweed had failed, and now he had nothing to do with his bits.
"Hey colt... you wanna buy?" A voice asked. Caramel turned slightly to see a young mule standing in a dark alleyway, holding out a bag of buckweed. Caramels eyes lit up as he trotted over to the mule, taking a hoof full of bits out of his saddlebag and handing it over to him. The mule smiled slightly and tossed Caramel a large bag of buckweed, which reeked of it's signature skunk like stench.
"Pleasure doing business with you, colt." The mule said, placing the bits in his saddlebag.
"Likewise." Caramel responded, tossing the buckweed into his own saddlebag, before walking away in the direction of Twilight's Library.
Meanwhile, at the Royal Palace
Connor and Murphy McMannus crawled through the palaces ventilation system, barely making progress as they bickered and fought with each other the whole time.
"Why do you always bring that stupid fucking rope?" Murphy asked.
"It worked the first time, didn't it?" Connor countered, turning to face his brother.
"That was because they weren't expecting a thing. That won't work again and you know-"
And that's when the vent collapsed under their weight.
Blueblood and his two bodyguards looked up in time to see the ventilation shaft crash through the ceiling, as two humans spilled out of it, tangled up in some rope. They both pulled out two suppressed desert eagles, and put two rounds into each of the bodyguards heads.
"Fuck!" One of them shouted, before pulling a knife out of his boot and cutting the rope. Blueblood started walking towards the exit, but by the time he reached the door, the two humans had cut themselves down and were running towards him.
"Help!" Blueblood shouted, before one of them kicked him in the side and sent him flying across the room.
"Sit up!" One of them ordered, the barrel of his gun right up against his head.
"Or what? You'll shoot me?" Blueblood inquired, before laughing nonchalantly. "Please, I've been kidnapped plenty of times before. It always ends the same way."
"Oh yeah? And who says we're here to kidnap ya?" The other one inquired.
That statement scared blueblood shitless.
"On your knees!" The first one ordered.
Not knowing what knees were, Blueblood did his best to comply, sitting up on his flank and waiting for them to do whatever they had in mind.
Connor nodded to his brother, as they both put away one of their magnums and placed the barrel of the other one to the princes head. They both knew full well all that this man... this colt, has done. He raped, he murdered, he scammed, and he helped in the oppression of these helpless creatures. The only pony they wanted to do this more to was the bitch who led this government, who went by the name of Celestia, the so-called Goddess of the Sun.
Simultaneously, the two started to chant their families prayer, like they have done so with many other crooks.
"And shepherds we shall be.
For Thee, my Lord, for Thee.
Power hath descended forth from Thy hand.
That our feet may swiftly carry out Thy command.
And we shall flow a river forth to Thee.
And Teeming with souls shall it ever be.
In Nomine Patris, Et Filii, Et Spiritus Sancti."
Not a second after they uttered the last word, they pressed down on the trigger, each putting a round into the princes head.
Murphy watched the body go limp and crumple over on its side, before he placed his desert eagle in its holster.
"I can't believe that worked." Murphy stated, watching his brother pull down the tangled mess of rope from the ceiling.
"It always works in the movies." Conner said, shoving the rope down into his backpack and pulling out a handful of pennies out of his pocket.
"Those are movies. We just got lucky again." Murphy responded, taking four pennies from his brothers palm and walking up to the nearest corpse. He knelt down and placed a penny on each of his eyes. As they have done so many times before.
"So, we're going after fucking horses now?" Connor asked, as he preformed the same ritual with the prince they just executed.
"Jesus himself wants us to kill them. Frankly, I don't feel like arguing with the son of God. Even if he is black." Murphy responded, placing a couple of pennies on the other bodyguards eyelids.
"But they are fucking pastel colored horses. I feel like I'm killing living crayons." Connor stated. Murphy chuckled a little, before walked up to the princes desk.
"Now, what do you think is in here?" Murphy inquired, opening up each of the drawers. The first one just contained a huge pile of papers, which Murphy placed inside his backpack. The second one... held a black suitcase. Murphy carefully pulled it out of the drawer and handed it to his brother, who eagerly flipped it open to check on the contents. The suitcase was completely filled with thousands of tiny gold nuggets, which the brothers had seen the citizens of this country use as currency.
"I think our job's done here. Let's go." Connor urged, as he started walking for the exit. Murphy nodded in agreement, picking up the suitcase and catching up with his brother.
"Another job well done." Murphy stated as they exited the room.
Authors note - If you honestly don't know who Connor and Murphy Mcmannus are, you need to stop reading this fanfic.
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
"So you got rid of the prince?" Black Jesus inquired. He paced back and forth as he talked on the phone with one of the McMannus brothers, who he told to get rid of Prince Blueblood.
"Do you really think we would fail? I would be damned if that scumbag walked." Murphy's voice responded.
A satisfied smile spread across Black Jesus's face upon hearing this news. "Excellent work, my child. I will see you when you get back. I trust you didn't have a problem getting out of there."
"We can't exactly blend in with a bunch of fuckin' pastel colored miniature horses, but we managed." Murphy stated.
"Mind if I ask how you managed to escape?" Jesus asked.
"Well..." Murphy began after a short pause.
-Shortly before-
The two Saints sprinted through the corridors, their weapons drawn as they scanned for targets.
"What the fuck was that?!" Connor demanded, shoving his brother into a wall.
"Did you honestly think they weren't going to notice us just walking out of there like nothing? We're not pastel colored horses, are we?" Murphy countered.
"Lay off. Let me think this through." Connor stated, rubbing his forehead as he pondered on their next move. His head shot up as he heard the echo of boots sprinting down the hall in their direction.
"They're working for him. Show no mercy." Murphy stated, tossing aside the suitcase he was lugging around and pulling out his other desert eagle, aiming down the corridor. Connor overturned a nearby table and ducked behind it, holding his eagles at the ready.
A small, metal cylinder bounced down the hall way and stopped right in between them.
Murphy immediately recognized it. "Flashbang!" He shouted, barely managing to turn his head in time to escape its blinding flash. Ears ringing, he turned his attention back to the corridor in time to see a squad of armed ponies dressed black uniforms and body armor turn the corner. He raised his desert eagles, firing off a couple of rounds blindly in their direction. A pain scream followed the gunshots, signalling that he got a lucky shot. Connor peaked up over the table, noticing that all the soldiers were taking cover by the wall opposite of him, and that they were completely oblivious that they were in his line of fire. Not wanting to waste this opportunity, he rose from his cover and raised his weapons, firing round after round at the ponies. Before anyone or anypony there had a chance to blink, six of the nine remaining ponies fell to the ground, dead. The last remaining three returned fire, ripping apart the table Connor was taking cover behind. Murphy moved out of his cover and opened fire on the trio, managing to take out one of them before they ran for cover. Connor took this opportunity to slide out from behind his cover and over to his brother, who continued to lay down covering fire.
"Murphy, I have an idea." Connor said. "Though, it may be a little risky."
"How so?" Murphy inquired, loading two fresh magazines into his desert eagles.
"You won't want to know." Connor stated, opening up his backpack and pulling out his rope. He slung it over his shoulder and aimed his eagle at the nearest window in his line of sight, firing several rounds into it. As the glass shattered and fell to ground, Connor tugged on his brothers sleeve and urged him to follow him. Murphy nodded in understanding, firing several more rounds at the soldiers before the two ran across the room and towards the window.
"Cover me." Connor stated, as he started untangling the rope. Murphy kept his eagles trained on the hallway, his fingers pressing down firmly on the triggers. He fired off a single round as a helmeted head poked around the corner.
"Hurry, I hear more coming." Murphy urged.
"Almost... alright, done. Get over here and hold on." Connor stated. Murphy turned and ran towards his brother, who had just finished tying the rope to the window seal. Connor pulled him in a bear hug as he tied to rope around him and jumped out the window.
"Quite impressive, my child. I'll see you in a few." Black Jesus said, before shutting off his phone.
"Sir, these two requested your audience." A gruff voice stated. Black Jesus turned towards the source to see one of Luna's soldiers standing beside two mares. But not just any mares. The Elements of Loyalty and Magic.
"You may leave, my son." Jesus said, waving him off.
"But sir-"
"No buts. I think I can handle a few mares." Black Jesus urged. The soldier flashed off a salute and marched away, as the two element bearers trotted up to him. The Element of Loyalty looked rather... serious. Annoyed, perhaps. And the Element of Magic just looked fucking furious.
"Who do you think you are?!" Twilight demanded as the soldier left the room, shoving her snout right up against his face.
"Black Jesus of Harlem. The son of Chuck Norris. The true god." Black Jesus stated calmly, gently pushing the mare back.
"How dare you claim to be the son of God! A false god, no less! Where do you get off claiming that Celestia is a false Goddess?!" Twilight demanded.
"My child, your loyalty makes you so blind. If Celestia was a true goddess, why would she send you and your friend to handle emergency situations? When Nightmare Moon and Discord returned, she was powerless. If she was a goddess, she could simply just make them disappear. When Queen Chrysalis pretended to be Princess Cadence, Celestia would have seen through her lies if she was a goddess. And when they fought, Celestia wouldn't have lost if she was a goddess." Black Jesus stated sternly.
"But-" Twilight began to protest, before Black Jesus cupped his hand over his mouth to silence her.
"She has tried to kill me, my friends, and your friends for our beliefs. She even tried to kill her own sister, my child. Regardless of whether she is a real goddess or not, that is inexcusable." Black Jesus reasoned.
Twilight opened her mouth to counter what he had said, but she couldn't think of anything to say. He was right, if she truly was a goddess, she would have easily defeated Discord, Nightmare Moon, and Queen Chrysalis. And he did try to kill her friends just for their opinions. She tried to kill the bearers of the Elements of Harmony. But... Celestia was always there for her. She was just as much as a mom as her own mother.
"I need to sleep on it." Twilight muttered, before turning around and walking away. Black Jesus nodded in understanding and turned to Rainbow Dash.
"And what about you, my child?" Black Jesus inquired.
"I came here to pummel you to a pulp for trying to get rid of Celestia... but after hearing that... I agree with you." Rainbow Dash responded. Black Jesus smiled and gently patted the top of her head.
"I'm glad. I can sense that the power of Old Spice is strong with you. But... you use Apple Spice. To unlock your true power, you must use this." Black Jesus said, as he summoned a bottle of *NEW* Old Spice Body Wash for Athletic Ponies (sponsored by the Wonderbolts) with his black magic and offered it to the pony with the rainbow mane. Rainbow Dash looked upon the bottle with awe as she snatched it from Black Jesus's palm.
"May I?" Rainbow Dash inquired.
Black Jesus smiled and motioned to a nearby door. "The bathing room is right over there, my disciple. Once you use that, you will have the power of a hundred suns. And then... we can begin our work."
Rainbow Dash nodded and eagerly gall oped for the bathing room. Black Jesus watched her gallop away with a satisfied grin. He had saved yet another soul. And with every new soul saved, the false Goddesses power would continue to weaken. Soon, she will fall, and all the ponies of this land will smell of Old Spice Body Wash.
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
Caramel leaned back in his chair, as he rolled up a blunt filled with buckweed. He lazily felt around the table beside him, before finding the lighter he was looking for. He brought the blunt up to his mouth and secured his lips around it, before lighting it ablaze with a casual flick of his lighter.
"Caramel?" A small feminine voice asked. Caramel sat up a little straighter and saw there was a marshmallow, a chicken, and a floating golden delicious in front of him.
"Do ya think he's okay?" The apple asked her companions.
"His eyes are really red. Maybe he's sick." The marshmallow suggested.
"Woah..." Caramel said lazily.
"Are you okay, Caramel?" The chicken inquired.
"Just fine, talking chicken... man I'm starved..."
"Talking chicken?" The apple asked, confused. Caramel chuckled a little to himself, before reaching forward and picked up the apple, preparing to sink his teeth into it. The apple tried to escape his grasp and screamed for help. The marshmallow and chicken watched in horror as Caramel sunk his teeth into their companion.
Spike awoke to find himself in a small, white room. Judging from the looks of it, a hospital room. The baby dragon tried to stretch his puny little legs, but found they wouldn't move. Neither could the stubs he called arms. Then, everything that happened came back to him in a flash. Being thrown out of the hospital, Lord Freeza naked in the shower, and Twilight's corvette smashing into his wheelchair as he rolled across the street.
"Well, look who's back." Doctor Clopper sneered as he trotted in and stood beside the bed Spike was resting on, "It's a shame, really. If it wasn't for that wheelchair taking the brunt of the force, you would be out of our manes for good."
Spike wasn't sure how to respond to this. For once in his life, he didn't have a clever, smartass remark.
"Luckily for you... and unluckily for the rest of us... Old Spice, in all its majestic glory, will be able to repair your body in only a matter of minutes." The doctor explained, scowling at the crippled baby dragon, before turning around and trotting out of the room.
Spike breathed a sigh of relief. The pain would soon be ov-
The doctor charged back into the room, bellowing a battle cry as he whacked Spike in the stomach with a nine iron with all his strength. Spike screamed in agony as the force of the blow caused each and every one of his unbroken ribs shattered. The Doctor hit him in legs and arms a few times before deliver the final blow to his forehead, knocking the baby dragon unconscious.
"Night night." The doctor sneered, before spitting in Spikes bloodied face.
I regret to say that I will not be able to post any new chapters for now. I'm being deployed somewhere for a few weeks, and I won't be able to write anything at all. That's all I can say. Sorry guys. See you in a few weeks.
-MarineMarksman
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
"Is everything ready, my disciple?" Black Jesus inquired as he walked up behind Rarity.
She turned to him and nodded. "All the damage from the earlier battle has been fixed, Bruce Campbell is ready to play hungry like the wolf on his piano, and our speakers are ready to speak to the ponies."
"This place is packed!" Pinkie called out, as she walked up to Black Jesus and Rarity, followed by a cowering Fluttershy.
"I don't like this..." Fluttershy muttered.
"Why's that, darling?" Rarity inquired.
"There's just so many ponies... it's so loud and crowded out there." Fluttershy squeaked.
Black Jesus walked up to her and gently placed his palm on top of her head. Fluttershy flinched initially, but began to calm down. "My child, if you are uncomfortable, you are welcome to wait backstage. You have already been saved. I do not wish to force you to do things you do not want to do." Black Jesus said in a soothing manner that could easily rival Celestia's tone.
"That would be nice." Fluttershy said with a timid smile. Black Jesus smiled upon her calmly, patting her head, and pointed her in the direction of the backstage entrance.
"Poor darling. It must be so hard for her to be here." Rarity said as she watched Fluttershy walk away.
"Worry not, my disciple, for the power of Old Spice will help her escape her shell. There is a reason behind her shyness and the fact she is afraid of her own shadow. I will help her through it so she can help spread the word of Old Spice." Black Jesus promised.
"The show starts in five minutes, Jesus. You may want to get ready." Bruce Campbell suggested as he passed by, dragging his piano behind him.
"A good idea, my brother. I shall join you. My children, you may want to follow our lead." Black Jesus suggested. Pinkie and Rarity nodded and followed Black Jesus and Bruce Campbell eagerly.
"Greetings, everypony!" Rarity called out as she walked out on stage. She was met by the thundering of hooves and ear shattering cheers, which were barely blocked out by the ear plugs she was wearing.
"My fellow ponies, I am honored to be here, as are the rest of the Elements of Harmony. We have seen the light. We have seen the truth behind the lies of Celestia, and have now come to realize that with the power of Old Spice, we will be able to stop her reign of terror." Rarity shouted out. The cheering stopped as the ponies that filled the amphitheater realized what Rarity just said.
"Now, what I just said may seem blasphemous to some of you. It seemed that way to me as well, up until I saw Celestia for what she really is." Rarity stated, pressing a switch on the floor, which turned on a movie screen behind her. "Please, watch this video. This is security footage from six hours ago. What you will witness will shock you."
The screen lit up, as it displayed the interior of the amphitheater. Seconds later, a large explosion caused the entrance to crumble into a huge hole. As the smoke cleared, ponies armed to the teeth with rifles and outfitted with black uniforms and body armor charged inside, followed by an all too familiar alicorn, Princess Celestia herself. They watched as she glared at Black Jesus, asking him why he was doing what was doing, and watched as Black Jesus calmly spat her words back into her face. They watched as Princess Luna appeared behind Black Jesus and challenged her sister, pulling out an assault rifle and standing beside Black Jesus. And they were shocked to hear Celestia say she wouldn't hesitate to kill her, to kill her own sister. And were even more shocked to see a large, black, hairless ape crash through the ceiling and tackle the Princess, and then crush the magnum she was armed with into a tiny ball. The soldiers surrounding them opened fire on the black ape, but the bullets merely bounced off of him. The ape grabbed the nearest soldier and ripped him in half with his bare hands, as another ape charged up behind him, swing his chainsaw arm wildly at the soldiers. Luna charged in behind him, firing her assault rifle with expert precision. The video then paused, and Rarity turned back to the ponies, who were staring at the screen, slack jawed.
"Just because Black Jesus was trying to spread his beliefs, she tried to kill him. She tried to kill me, my friends, and her own sister. And she failed. Now ask yourself... if she was a fair ruler, would she have tried to kill us?" Rarity asked the crowd. "If she was truly a goddess, why didn't she just destroy us without a seconds thought? My fellow ponies, we will show you the light as I have seen it. Now, please bow your heads, as we lead the show in prayer."
As Rarity finished her sentence, a black ape walked out on stage. He was wearing a purple tuxedo, and was wearing dark glasses.
"Thank you for coming, Jesse." Rarity said.
"It's an honor to be here, Rarity. Let us pray!" Jesse Jackson called out, before bowing his head. "Oh lawd Black Jesus, thank you gifting us with the power of Old Spice! Please help us show these colorful little ponies the error of their ways, and the truth! Oh lawd! I can feel the power of Old Spice coursing through my veins! Amen!"
Jesse rose his head and walked off stage, praising Black Jesus to no one in particular. "A round of applause for Jesse Jackson!" Rarity called out to the crowd. The ground started to shake as the sound of hooves thundering filled the room. Rarity waited patiently for the crowd to calm down before beginning to speak. "Now, it is my honor to present you the son of the one true god. My friend, my teacher, my savior, Black Jesus!"
The thundering of hooves returned as a black ape wearing a tight white robe walked on stage, waving at the crowd.
"Greetings, my children." Black Jesus greeted, as he stood beside Rarity. "My name is Black Jesus, the son of Chuck Norris and Betty White." (Two white people = Black child... DA FUQ?)
"My father is the one who created everything that is and has been, who is responsible for making of this world, your race, and the rotation of the sun and the moon. Something that your ruler, Celestia, has taken credit for. She continues to lie and rule you with an iron hoof. She claims that Apple Spice body wash is the chosen body wash, that is holy and sacred."
"The true God, Chuck Norris, sent me here with a mission. To show you the truth. To spread the word of Gods chosen body wash, which is what gave God the power to create everything that exists. To save you ponies from eternal damnation, and stop the false goddess Celestia. Even the Elements of Harmony, and her own sister, Princess Luna, have came to see Celestia as what she truly is. A corrupt, lying, dictator, who hides behind a curtain of kindness and caring. But you have seen what she truly is. If she was kind and caring, she would have came here and tried to talk to me, not use her secret police and try to kill me."
The crowd remained silent as Black Jesus continued to preach. "Need more proof? Think back to when Nightmare Moon returned. Where was she? Surely, if she was the goddess she claimed to be, she could have stopped Nightmare Moon, and wouldn't have sent in six ponies, including her protege, into a dangerous situation where they could have possibly gotten killed. Think back to when Discord was released from his stone imprisonment, and turned Equestria completely upside down. Why didn't she simply stop him? Discord may have been crazy and magic, but he wasn't an all powerful being. A true goddess could have easily put him down. And finally, think back to when Queen Chrysalis tried to take over. If she was a goddess, she could have easily seen through her ruse. And when she took on Queen Chrysalis, how did she lose? How could there be a being more powerful than the goddess who is responsible for the creation of your world and species?"
"I must not be the only one seeing this for what it is. But you all stink of the scent of her followers. I am sure there may some of you who wish to remain loyal to Celestia, and I will respect. You are entitled to your own beliefs, and I won't try to kill you for them like Celestia will. Those of you who wish to stay loyal to Celestia, you may leave." Black Jesus stated. He looked over the crowd as not a single pony turned to leave.
"Nopony?" Black Jesus asked the crowd with a kind smile. "A wise decision. Now, I will show you the light, my children." As he said this, Black Jesus used his black magic to summon two plastic bottles, one labelled Old Spice Colts Scented Body Wash, and the other labelled Old Spice Mares Scented Body Wash.
"This, my children, is Old Spice. Mares, are you tired of your colts smelling like a mare and not a true colt?" Black Jesus inquired.
"Yes!" The mares in the room responded.
"And colts, are you tired of pretending your mares expensive perfumes smell good?" Black Jesus asked.
"YES!" The colts responded.
"Well then, if you accept the power of the Spice, not only will you be saved, you would smell of it." Black Jesus said, as he raised his hands into the air, his hands glowing a dark aura as he used his black magic to summon thousands of bottles of Old Spice Body Wash, placing a bottle of Old Spice Colts Scented Body Wash by each colt and a bottle of Old Spice Mares Scented Body Wash by each mare. Black Jesus took a deep breath and looked over the crowd with a satisfied smile. On this day, he saved rougly 20,000 ponies, and more would likely follow. Just another day in the life of Black Jesus of Harlem.
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
The crowd cheered as Bruce Campbell finished singing hungry like the wolf. He rose and took a bow, sending the crowd into a frenzy. He reached behind him and picked up his piano and carried it off stage. Once he disappeared behind the curtain, Rarity walked back out on stage.
"Thank you everypony for coming!" Rarity called out to the crowd. "I really hope you enjoyed yourselves, and I pray that you have seen the truth. If you have, spread the word to the public. Take to the streets and preach to your fellow ponies. Show them the truth behind Celestia's lies and the glory of Old Spice. If you need more Old Spice, just pray, and you shall receive."
"Um... Rarity?"
Rarity turned around to see Twilight Sparkle walk on stage, glancing around the room nervously.
"Is something wrong, darling?" She inquired. Twilight shook her head and motioned to the microphone.
"I want to speak." Twilight said. Rarity smiled and nodded, moving out of the way for her friend. The crowd stomped their hooves as she walked up to the microphone and tapped on it gingerly to test if it was on.
"Hello everypony..." She greeted as the crowd went silent, "I'm sure all of you know of me. I am the Element of Magic, and Celestia's protege."
"I originally came here to stop Black Jesus. I came here and got in his face, my anger fueled by my loyalty and love for Celestia. She was practically a second mother to me, and I am what I am today because of her guidance. And no matter what, I will always be grateful for that."
A few boos came from the crowd, but they were quickly shushed by other ponies. "Regardless of how much I love Celestia, Black Jesus has shown me what was really going on in the background. How she was really just claiming to a goddess for power. How she would kill anypony who dared try to spread the truth. How she used me and everyone of us used us for her game."
Twilight reached into her saddlebag and pulled out an old dusty book and flipped it open. "This is a copy of History of Equestria, that was released almost a thousand years ago. This book was the first attempt to tell the truth to the public. It was written by the only pony who has been around as long as Celestia. The author is Princess Luna."
Once Twilight finished her sentence, Princess Luna trotted up behind her.
"Greetings, our loyal subjects." Princess Luna greeted. "For centuries, our sister has claimed that we are goddesses. That alicorns such as we are gods. Truth is that our species hasn't been limited to just three. Three thousand years ago, our sister and I were born to King Eclipse and Queen Solstice, the last rulers of the nation known as Alympus. While ponies were just discovering fire, we were a prosperous nation that had technology that surpassed today's technology. And all of our citizens were alicorns. Not three alicorns, but roughly 400 million."
"When our sister was born, our nation was facing a grave threat. A nation inhabited by disgusting, savage creatures known as orks invaded our lands, began slaughtering all in sight without mercy. We responded with our own forces, an elite unit of our most powerful alicorn warriors known as the White Knights. They marched into battle, brandishing swords that had blades of pure energy and rifles that fired plasma. The orks, while savage, did had some mastery of science, and used firearms that fired spikes and sharpnel, as well as well as swords crafted of a substance that was stronger than diamonds. However, our forces, despite their training, intelligence, and equipment, were overran by the orks, who's forces outnumbered ours 100 to 1."
"Celestia was said to be the chosen one, the one who would save our nation and species, alongside her younger sister. Once we were born, Celestia was being trained in the magical arts, and was said to be the most powerful alicorn to ever exist. But... all the praise, all the glory, it all went to our sisters head. Once we were old to begin our training, Celestia took us under her wing. She spoke of how we would rule over everything, and they would worship us like gods. It came at a terrible cost..."
Princess Luna's knees weakened as she fell to the ground, breaking down into tears. Twilight attempted to comfort her, but to no avail. But the show had to go on.
"Celestia convinced Luna that the only way to get to power, was to remove the only threats to their power. Alicorns. Celestia teamed up with the orks and led them in a genocide. In the end, only Luna and Celestia remained. Celestia ended up betraying the orks, wiping out the majority of their species on her own, and forcing them underground. After this, Luna and Celestia went to what is now known as Equestria, overthrew the pony leadership, and convinced the majority of the population that they were Goddesses, and killed all those who opposed. After a thousand years, Luna published this book, and Celestia sent her to moon, then banned the book."
"My children, it is our duty to stop this travesty." Black Jesus said, as he walked back on stage. "We must overthrow Celestia, destroy apple spice, and bring enlightenment to your nation. Thank you for coming, and may the power of Old Spice be with you."
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
"Before I go on with this chapter, me and Black Jesus would like to thank you for comments, favorites, and admiration. Seriously, some of your comments just send me rolling on the floor laughing." MarineMarksman said.
"Tis' true, my loyal followers." Black Jesus stated, summoning a taco with his black magic and taking a big bite out of it.
"But, we have a request." MarineMarksman said. "Me and Black Jesus are getting tired of the current image being used as the cover image."
"As my father, Chuck Norris, has told me, the current cover image isn't nearly as epic as it needs to be." Black Jesus said.
"So, would someone mind making us a new cover image? If you do, you will be awarded will the internet of all internets." MarineMarksman promised.
"You shall also be gifted with a years supply of Old Spice's new Chuck Norris scented Body Wash." Black Jesus added.
"Thank you for your time. Now, I bring you Chapter Sixteen of Old Spice Guys invade Equestria. Enjoy!" MarineMarksman proclaimed, as he and Black Jesus waved good bye.
As ponies started falling out of the Amphitheater, three men watched the scene from the rooftops. There was 60's era Spiderman, who's fucks were the equivalent to absolute zero. Seriously, if you divided a number by the amount of fucks Spiderman gave, you would likely destroy the universe. There was also the most interesting man in the world, who didn't always use body wash, but when he did, he used Old Spice. And last but certainly not least, there was Billy Mays, who helped spread the word of Old Spice and other products used exclusively by God (such as Halo, Xbox, Tacos, and various prophylactics) across the universe. These three were the three original disciples from when Black Jesus spread the word of Old Spice on Earth. Now there were legends, gods in their own rights.
"I don't always have flashbacks... but when I do... it's of Earth's enlightenment." The most interesting man in the world said, who I will be calling pussy wetter from now on so I don't have to type out "the most interesting man in the world" everytime he talks. Yeah... that'll work.
"Actually, author, I think interesting man will work better." 60's era Spiderman pointed out.
Shut up, you're not supposed to be giving any fucks.
"I can give a single fuck every so often. Everyone get's one. ONLY ONE!" Spiderman said, pointing his finger at where he thought the readers POV was.
"I, BILLY MAYS, THINK YOU WERE POINTING IN THE WRONG DIRECTION!" Billy Mays shouted at Spiderman.
"Why are you yelling?!" Pussy Wetter... er... Interesting Man snapped.
"I CAN'T CONTROL THE LEVEL OF MY VOICE!" Billy Mays shouted back. "I'M SORRY!"
"I don't give a fuck! Stop shouting, or stop talking!" Spiderman suggested. An awkward silence formed between the trio as they turned their attention back to the amphitheater, waiting for Black Jesus and his most loyal followers to emerge.
Twilight's ears perked up as she heard somepony knocking on her door.
"Miss Sparkle?" A gruff voice inquired.
"Yes?" Twilight responded.
"You have a visitor." The voice stated.
"Send him in." Twilight said, snorting up the last of her cocaine and tossing aside the novel she was reading. The door opened and Black Jesus walked inside, looking rather smug.
"My child, I am rather surprised by your decision. I would have thought you would have remained loyal to Celestia. While this is a pleasant turn of events... I'm curious as to why you have side with me. Mind if I ask why?" Black Jesus inquired.
"Of course." Twilight replied.
After a few moments filled with awkward silence, Black Jesus sat down in a chair across from Twilight, leaned forward, and asked: "Why?"
"Because... while I may still love Celestia because of everything she had done for me, you raised some valid points, and Luna had explained the situation to me very well before I went onstage. While I likely would not be able to easily put a bullet into Celestia's skull like so many of your followers, I am your side. Besides... all my friends are on your side... I don't think they would be too happy about me being with their enemy." Twilight said with a weak giggle.
"Well, I am glad that you have seen the light, my child. Now tell me.. are you interested in becoming my disciple? Like so many of your friends have?" Black Jesus inquired.
Twilight raised her hoof to her chin and rubbed it as she thought. "I'm going to be blunt with you Jesus... I'm too high on coke at the moment to make a decision.Tell you what, when my high goes away, I'll give you my decision."
"I understand... cocaine is a helluva a drug." Black Jesus said, with a sly smile.
"Fuck yo couch, nigga!" Twilight shouted at Black Jesus. Black Jesus chuckled to himself as he remembered that episode of the Chappelle Show.
"You shall not regret becoming my disciple, my child. Trust me." Black Jesus promised, before patting Twilight's head playfully and walking out, closing the door behind him, trying his best to get out of there before she started hallucinating.
"Thy should really find a way to help that poor filly with her drug problem. Something she picked up from our sister, we are afraid." Princess Luna stated as she trotted up to Black Jesus.
"I agree. Cocaine is a helluva a drug." Black Jesus said.
"We recall that episode of the Chappelle Show. One of our favorite skits, to be sure." Luna said, a small smile spreading across her muzzle. "Walk with us, Jesus. We have much to discuss."
"Applejack, got any of that hard cider on ya?" Rainbow Dash inquired, as she, Applejack, Rarity, Bruce Campbell, and Big Mac all sat around a large round table, which was covered with tacos, cooler ranch doritos, and dr. pepper (the holiest of holiest meals).
"Yes'm. Ah have sum in my room. Ah'll be back." Applejack said, getting up from her seat and walking out of the room.
"What type of cider are we talking about?" Bruce Campbell asked.
"Hard apple cider. The best in all of Equestria. Isn't that right, Big Mac?" Rainbow Dash said, nudging the large red stallion playfully.
"Eeyup." Big Mac responded, as he took a large bite out of his taco.
A few moment of silence passed as everyone munched on their tacos and doritos.
"So... nice job with the show, Rarity." Bruce Campbell complimented.
"Thank you, darling. You did a great job with your song." Rarity complimented back in kind.
"Hungry like the wolf always gets the mares wet..." Big Mac commented, earning a strange glance from Rainbow Dash.
"Too true, my man. Too true." Bruce Campbell said, leaning back in his chair casually. "You don't know how many orgies I've gotten into with that song."
"Eeyup..." Big Mac stated.
"Ah got tha stuff, everypony!" Applejack announced, walking in with a huge jug full of hard apple cider.
"Aw yeah! Time to get wasted and have drunk unprotected sex we will all regret at a later date!" Rainbow Dash called out.
Next time on ponies...
The gang gets wasted.
Spiderman, Interesting Man, and Billy Mays confront Black Jesus and Princess Luna as they talk.
Murphy and Connor McMannus return.
Spike gets the shit beaten out of him.
Caramel gets high... again...
The Equestrian military continue their assault on Giant Terry Crews.
And Celestia plots against Black Jesus and his followers.
Stay tuned for more!
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
"Hello, my children." Black Jesus greeted. He was sitting beside a fireplace, smoking on a old fashioned pipe.
"Before you read the chapter, I have a message from MarineMarksman... dear AssRapingHorseCocks, this fic will not be a clopfic. Sorry. Also, love the name. We all do."
"Anyway, enjoy the latest chapter, and may the power of Old Spice be with you." Black Jesus stated, before he waved goodbye.
It was late in the afternoon, as ponies went about their usual business in Las Pegas. Gambling, drinking, partying, that type of stuff. It was Las Pegas, after all, and what happens in Las Pegas, stays in Las Pegas.
Besides herpes...
And illegitimate children...
And thousands of dollars of debt you rack up while gambling...
Well, looks like we're off topic.
Anyways... everypony in town suddenly stopped what they were doing, as they all sensed something VERY powerful heading there way. It was like if the air suddenly became electrified and began shocking everypony ever so slightly. And then, the ponies of Las Pegas heard it. It sounding like someone was shouting in the distance, barely audible to even those with perfect hearing.
And then it got louder. And it became clear what was being shouted.
Steroids Man screeched in between the high rises and humongous hotels that covered Las Pegas, shouting "POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRR" at the top of his lungs. His words were so loud, that it actually caused the glass of nearby windows to shatter.
Then the ground started to tremble, as if something huge was heading their way. The trembles became more powerful, and even more powerful, until Giant Terry Crews stepped into the outskirts of Las Pegas, crushing everything and everypony in his way.
Steroids Man flew in front of Giant Terry Crews and floated before him, making the giant version of himself to pause his destruction and look upon him.
"OLD SPICE ODOR BLOCKER IS TOO POWERFUL TO LET YOU SLAUGHTER THE INNOCENT!" Steroids Man shouted at Giant Terry Crews.
"OLD SPICE ODOR BLOCKER IS TOO POWERFUL TO LET YOU STOP ME!" Giant Terry Crews bellowed.
"Does anypony else think this sounds like something out of a badly written fanfic?" A pony on the ground asked, before being shushed by the others surrounding him.
Giant Terry Crews reached out and grabbed Steroids Man, before throwing him with all his might across the city. Steroids Man went flying through several skyscrapers before he crashed into the ground, creating a massive crater where he landed. He grunted in pain as he rose off the ground, shaken but not beaten.
Steroids Man was no fool. He knew that even with his nearly unlimited power that Old Spice has given him, he was not as powerful as the giant version of himself. But, he would have to hold him off until Black Jesus. So they could complete the prophesy and defeat Giant Terry Crews.
"Black Jesus, we appreciate thy efforts to bring an end to our sisters unjust rule," Luna began, as she and Black Jesus walked through the halls of the amphitheater, "but, we wish to know how we would be able to help thee."
Black Jesus smiled slightly. "Luna, despite the fact you do not use Old Spice, you have vast amounts of power at your disposal. But, you have so much potential as well. If you harness the power of Old Spice, you could become even more powerful than me. Your power might even rival the power of Chuck Norris."
After writing this, Chuck Norris crashed through the wall of the authors home and bitch slapped him for typing such heresy, knocking him out cold. Six hours later, he came back to and continued reading.
"We- you really think so?" Luna stammered.
"I don't think so. I know so." Black Jesus stated. "After Celestia falls, I will need your help managing the country. Unlike your sister, who hogs all the power, you and me will be equals."
"Such a generous offer from the son of God." Luna pointed out.
"I'm not going to lie to you, my child. The power of Old Spice can do many things... but it doesn't make me into a politician." Black Jesus admitted, chuckling awkwardly.
"Our sister has done most of the politics, and we regret to inform you that our prior experience on the subject was lost during our banishment on the moon." Luna said sadly. "We are just as inexperienced as you are."
Both the alicorn and the black man stopped dead in their tracks and turned to face each other. "Perhaps... we could just help each other through this..." Black Jesus began, flashing the Princess a sly smile.
"Yeah..." Luna said dreamily, smiling mischievously at Black Jesus. Slowly, Black Jesus bent down slightly as started leaning towards Luna. She saw what Black Jesus was planning, accepted and embraced it, and starting leaning towards him, her heart fluttering as-
"ARE WE INTERRUPTING SOMETHING?!" Billy Mays inquired as he, 60's era Spiderman, and the most interesting man in the world walked up to them. The loudness of Billy's voice sent Luna flailing and made Black Jesus jump ten feet into the air (I'm serious, dude, this zigga can jump).
"I don't always ruin romantic moments... but when I do... it's always disappointing." Interesting Man commented.
"HI BILLY MAYS HERE WITH THE KEY TO SAVING YOUR BALLS. NOT GETTING MARRIED!" Billy said.
Spiderman facepalmed and walked up to Black Jesus. "Hey Jesus, wanna see a magic trick?" He asked.
"Sure, why not?" Black Jesus asked nonchalantly.
"Alright," Spiderman began as he held out his palm, "I'm going to put my one fuck I give for anything in my palm. Okay? Watch. Now I'm going to close it. Okay? You watching? Alright, now I'm going to open it. Now what do you see?"
"Nothing." Black Jesus answered.
"That's right, because the fucks I give are nonexistent." Spiderman stated.
"That joke gets better everytime you tell it, my friend." Black Jesus said, who was still blushing from embarrassment.
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
"Hello, my children," Jesus began, sitting beside his fireplace, "before we begin, I would like to clear something up."
"Last chapter, I'm sure you all laughed when I got cockblocked by Billy Mays, but cockblocking is no laughing matter."
Black Jesus shifted uneasily in his seat and his face took a more serious tone. "Cockblocking has been known to cause many horrible medical issues, such as erectile dysfunction,testicle implosion, obesity, rapid shrinking of the testicles and penis, and of course, man boobs."
"Let's all work together to bring an end to cockblocking. Now, I bring you Chapter Eighteen. Enjoy." Black Jesus said, waving goodbye.
"Chug, chug, chug, chug!" Everyone in the room chanted as Applejack downed yet another mug of her families famed hard cider, which was recently improved with trace amounts of Old Spice. The last of it dripped into her mouth as she slammed the mug down on the table, sending everyone else into drunken cheers.
After not even thirty minutes, every single person and pony in the room were now drunk off their asses. Even Pinkie and Fluttershy, who had entered the room a few minutes ago, have collapsed into drunken giggles. In the corner of the room, Bruce Campbell was busy making out with Rarity, and Rainbow Dash was hitting on Big Mac, much to Applejack's dismay.
"Hun... dat's mah brotha..." Applejack slurred, "back off."
"Now come on, *hic* sis... ah don't mind..." Big Mac muttered.
Rainbow Dash was about to say something, but was interrupted by a knock at the door.
"That must be my friend." Bruce stated, gently moving Rarity off of his lap and walking over to the door. He opened the door, revealing a skinny black man with white, blistered lips, dirty, ripped clothing, and a red beanie.
"Got yo crack!" The black man announced, pulling out a small sandwich bag filled with crack rocks.
"Looks a little less than I asked for... a lot less." Bruce commented.
The black man scratched himself like crazy. "I smoked some on the way over!"
"Wha...? Who's the zigga?" Applejack asked, earning a glare from Pinkie.
"This is Tyrone Biggums." Bruce answered.
"I smoke rocks!" Tyrone announced.
"Oh boy... here we go..." Rainbow Dash sighed, facehoofing.
Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom!..
"Curses!" Lex Luther shouted, as he and the rest of the Legion of Doom watched Black Jesus triumph on the television, "I can't believe these colorful horses are actually listening to him!"
"If he gets rid of Celestia, we lose our funding and her governments support." Brainiac pointed out.
Lex Luther rubbed his shiny head as he strained to think of a solution. "Clearly, the son of God is more of a challenge than Superman and his friends. We have only one chance..."
Cheetah gasped. "You don't mean..."
"Yes. We need to send in our new secret weapon... Justin Bieber!" Lex Luther stated, before he and all the others in the room started laughing maniacally.
"Wait, grampa, are you telling me that Justin Bieber was an instrument of evil?" MarineMarksmans grandson asked.
"Shut the fuck up kid, I'm trying to read this fucking thing!" MarineMarksman snapped, before turning his attention back to his holobook. "Anyways, while the Legion of Doom was plotting against Black Jesus, Black Jesus, Luna, Billy Mays, Spiderman, and Interesting Man were all planning for their next showing..."
"So... any ideas for the next show?" Black Jesus inquired, glancing at each of his friends.
"I don't give a fuck." 60's Spiderman muttered.
"WE SHOULD HAVE SOME BANDS PLAY BEFORE AND AFTER YOU SPEAK!" Billy Mays suggested. "WE SHOULD ALSO GIVE AWAY FREE OXY CLEAN!"
"I agree with that. Any suggestions?"
"Depeche Mode!" MarineMarksman shouted, breaking the 4th wall.
"I heard a Depeche Mode, any objections?" Black Jesus inquired.
"Why do you even both asking me?" Spiderman inquired.
"I don't always listen to 90's music... but when I do... I listen to Depeche Mode." Interesting Man stated.
"I LOVE DEPECHE MODE! HAVE YOU GUYS HEARD THAT THEY ARE COMING OUT WITH A NEW ALBUM?" Billy Mays inquired.
"Billy! Stop fucking screaming!" Spiderman snapped.
"I'M SORRY! I CAN'T CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!" Billy apologized.
"We know that feel, sir Billy." Luna stated, patting his shoulder in a comforting manner, "have you ever tried whispering?"
"NO!" Billy Mays answered.
"Give it a shot." Luna said.
Billy Mays paused for a moment and clear his throat. "How about- holy shit, it works!" Billy Mays exclaimed, causing Luna to clap her hooves together. "So, how about Dethklok?"
"Dethklok? As in THE Dethklok?" Spiderman asked.
"Wait... Spiderman is giving a fuck?" Interesting Man asked skeptically.
"Dethklok is the only thing I will give a fuck about. Those guys are brutal." Spiderman stated.
"I don't always listen to metal... but when I do... I listen to Dethklok." Interesting Man pointed out.
"Alright... I'll call in Dethklok and Depeche Mode and arrange something with their producers and Rarity." Black Jesus stated.
"SOUNDS- I mean... sounds good." Billy stated. "Let's go guys." And with that, Billy Mays, Spiderman, and Interesting Man got up from their seats and walked out of the room, leaving Black Jesus and Luna on their own...
I think you know what happens next.
"BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!" Billy Mays stated. "NOW FOR ONLY 19.95, YOU CAN GET THE AUDIOBOOK VERSION OF OLD SPICE GUYS INVADE EQUESTRIA. WE GUARANTEE YOUR MIND WILL BE FILLED WITH FUCK, OR WE WILL REFUND YOU IN FULL."
"BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! IF YOU ORDER NOW, WE WILL INCLUDE A LIFE TIMES SUPPLY OF OLD SPICES COLTS/MARES SCENTED BODY WASH, FREE OF CHARGE! ORDER NOW!"
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
[Warning - Skip later part of chapter if you are not into human-pony relations (non-sexual, though it is alluded to), or romance. Please not this will not turn into a clopfic. The most I would do is write a side story that is clop... but that is not very likely.]
"Greetings, my children," Black Jesus chirped, sitting in his usual seat by his fireplace, "it's time for everyones favorite part of the new chapters, Black Jesus's fan time!"
"Anyways, I'm here with everyone's favorite superhero, 60's era Spiderman."
"And this superhero, quite frankly, doesn't give a fuck about any of you." Spiderman stated coldly.
"Anyways, my friend MarineMarksman has been feeling a little demotivated recently for... private reasons..." Black Jesus stated.
"And, for once, I actually give a fuck. So, I want you guys to post images to cheer MarineMarksman up and motivate him to write better." Spiderman ordered.
"You guys say you support those who serve? Time to support. Through hilarious gifs and images." Black Jesus said.
"And in turn, you will be gifted will more mind fuckery." Spiderman said.
"Well, we won't hold you back any longer. Now, we present you Chapter Nineteen. Enjoy!" Black Jesus stated, as he waved goodbye and Spiderman gave the viewers the one finger salute.
Charles Foster Ofdensen, the manager of the death metal band Dethklok, walked into Mordhaus's dining hall, where the members of Dethklok were sitting around casually, waiting for their dinner. There was Nathan Explosion, the frontman and lead vocalist for Dethklok. There was also Skwisgaar Skwigelf, Dethklok's lead guitarist, Toki Wartooth, who played the rhythm guitar, and Dethklok's drummer, Pickles. And last but not... well, actually, probably least, Dethklok's bass player, William Murderface.
"Alright guys, I know you guys have been... hesitant, to play shows... and you have destroyed our newest album, sending the worlds economy down the toilet, but I have a request from Black Jesus that we play at a show to support his rebellion against an unjust government." Charles stated.
"He sounds like a total didlo." Murderface stated.
"Yeah, he said you would say something like that. That's why he said you get choose how to execute the Princess."
"Whoa! A princess?" Toki inquired, his face lighting up like a child on Christmas.
"Is shes hot?" Skwisgaar asked.
"Well... she's a colorful talking pony." Charles stated.
"Like on my little disemboweled pony lunchbox?" Toki asked, showing off a lunchbox with the image of a pony with its guts torn out. Ironically, the pony looked like Princess Celestia.
"Actually, yes Toki." Charles said.
"Really?" Toki asked, his face lighting up even more, like a metal fan at one of their concerts.
"Yeah."
"That's cool..."
"So... is this something you would all be interested in? It would a worthwhile investment. This is an entirely untapped market that-"
"We're only interested in executing the princess." Nathan said, interrupting Charles, "and it's going to be the most brutal execution EVER!"
Meanwhile, in a secret military installation, the Tribunal, Dethklok's opposition, was meeting.
"It would appear that Dethklok is playing a concert in the nation of Equestria in support of Black Jesus's rebellion against Princess Celestia... this could be a political disaster waiting to happen." Senator Stampingston stated.
"Princess Celestia is the biggest importer of weapons from the United States. If she goes down, the United States economy would shrink even worse than it currently is." General Crozier stated.
"We've called in an expert on ponies and Dethklok, a Dr. Lauren Faust." Stampingston announcing, making way for a red headed woman in a long, flowing dress.
"Ponies have lived in Equestria for thousands of years, having the ability to fly without planes and use magic. They are led by two princesses, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. In recent time, the leadership was split up in a civil war. The rebels, who are led by Black Jesus and Princess Luna, have invited Dethklok to support their cause through there music. Now, imagine if you will that these colorful, peace loving ponies turned into brutal, gore loving metal heads." Lauren stated.
"It would be an economic and political catastrophe. I have ground forces ready to support the Equestrian military in this rebellion. I recommend we send them in and end this rebellion right now." General Crozier suggested.
"No..." Mr. Salatcia hissed, "we mustn't get involved. The risk would be too great. We must watch from the sidelines..."
"Ugh... my head..." Rarity complained, having awoken in Bruce Campbell's bed with a massive hangover.
"I know that feel..." Bruce muttered sleepily, climbing out of his bed and stretching, "So did we...?"
"I think so." Rarity confirmed, her cheeks turning a brilliant shade of crimson.
"By the Spice... I swear I promised myself that I would dig into that delicious flank of yours without getting you drunk." Bruce stated, looking down at his feet shamefully.
"Oh jeez..." Rarity muttered, before crawling over to Bruce and hugging him around the waist. "Tell you what darling, cook me something that will get rid of this headache, and I will give you that chance."
"Whoa, seriously?" Bruce asked, kind of shocked by this turn of events.
"Mhmm." Rarity confirmed, nuzzling up against him and sighing contently.
Bruce smiled warmly upon her, before chuckling lightly to himself. "How many of our friends are waking up in the same bed together?"
Almost on cue, a butt-naked Black Jesus yawned and stretched in his bed, before rolling out of it. He looked over his shoulder, and the sight before him almost made his heart melt. There Princess Luna lay, in the most adorable pose ever.
"By the Spice..." Black Jesus muttered to himself.
"Hmm?" Luna muttered sleepily, before poking her head up from under the covers, "did we miss something?"
"No. You just looked..." Black Jesus began.
"Stunning?" Luna finished for him.
"I was thinking more along the lines of adorable, but stunning is good enough. You are truly the greatest example of beauty that Old Spice has to offer." Black Jesus stated, getting all of you to D'AAAAAAAAAAAAAW. Don't deny it...
"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" Someone shouted in the distance.
Luna giggled to herself. "That was pretty corny. Sweet, but corny." Luna said with a snarky smile.
"Well, when the son of God tells you are the best example of beauty in existence, he likely isn't lying." Black Jesus pointed out. "Come on, let's go get some breakfast."
"We could not agree more." Luna chirped, tossing Black Jesus his robe. Black Jesus quickly threw the robe over his head, smiling in delight upon smelling it's permanent scent of males scented body wash. Luna dashed past him, eager to get to the breakfast that was awaiting them. Black Jesus chuckled to himself and calmly followed her, looking forward to yet another day that exists only because Old Spice let's it exist.
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
"Greetings, my children," Black Jesus chirped, "I hope your day is well."
"Recently, I have been receiving complaints from some people about how badly Spike is abused. So, I would like to make some things clear."
"First off, not even Old Spice cares Spike. He is literally a waste of matter and space, and is an embarrassment to the glory and holiness of Old Spice. Secondly, while we do not condone the abuse of children, we, as in me and the writers of this fanfiction, do find it hilarious."
"Thank you, and enjoy Chapter Twenty." Black Jesus stated, before waving goodbye.
[Note - The opinions of Black Jesus is... oh hell, even lawyers hate Spike. We won't get fined for this.]
Princess Celestia looked down at the bloodied body of her nephew, who was executed by two unknown humans the day before. Her secret police unit that was assigned to protecting Blueblood was practically wiped out, and the humans escaped. Worse yet, the assailants got away with plenty of secret government and Apple Spice documents, as well as over five hundred thousand bits.
"Guard, I want this mess cleaned up. And tell General Ironhoof I need to schedule an emergency meeting with him." Celestia said to the rookie who had seemed to become her personal assistant since Chapter Three.
"Yes ma'am! Shall I get the scotch as well?" The rookie inquired.
"Yes, get me some scotch." Celestia said.
"On the rocks?" The rookie asked.
"Of course I want it on the fucking rocks! Now hurry up!" Celestia shouted at the rookie, sending him galloping out of the room.
"What's on the menu, Jesus?" Rainbow Dash asked as she walked into the kitchen, where Black Jesus was getting out a bunch of plates.
"The holiest of breakfasts, that God himself lusts to eat." Black Jesus answered, as his hands shot up into the air and started glowing a dark aura, as Jesus used his black magic to summon a stack of pancakes for each plate, as well as bacon and multiple bottles of the Apply families premium grade apple juice. He levitated the plates and bottles over to the dining room and set them out in front of those gathered there.
Rainbow Dash poked at the bacon cautiously. "What is this?"
"Bacon, try it." Black Jesus responded.
Rainbow Dash glanced at Black Jesus, who was wearing a smug smile, before take a small bite of the bacon. Her eyes widened and she spat it out, rubbing her tongue in a desperate attempt to make the flavor go away.
"DAFUQ?!" Rainbow Dash shouted, glaring at Black Jesus, who was now laughing heartily to her dismay.
"Disciple Pinkie Pie has told me about how much of a prankster you are. I have decided to get involved and give you a prank you shall not soon forget." Black Jesus said, before replacing everyones bacon (besides the humans bacon) with vegetarian sausage.
"So where is it that we travel to next?" Luna inquired, before biting into one of her pancakes.
"Old Spice, in all its glory, has made it known to me that we must travel to Las Pegas, where corruption and sin is rampant, and Apple Spice and Celestia's influence is still strong." Black Jesus stated. "My brother, Steroids Man, is currently there, and Bruce Campbell and Rarity is meeting with the managers of Dethklok and Depeche Mode to arrange the times and accommodations for the show. Depeche Mode jumped on right away, but to get Dethklok to play, I had to promise that they would get to choose how Celestia gets executed."
"I GUARANTEE IT WILL BE THE MOST BRUTAL DEATH EVER, OR YOUR MONEY BACK!" Billy Mays proclaimed, earning an annoyed glance from 60's era Spiderman.
And then, Spidermans cell phone began to ring.
"Hello?" Spiderman answered.
"Spiderman? This is the New York Police Department. Someone broke into your house. It doesn't appear like anything is missing, however. The place is just turned upside down." A police officer stated.
"Someone was obviously looking for the fuck I never gave, officer. This is the twentieth time this has happened, if you bothered to look in your records." Spiderman said, before hanging up the phone, flipping it the bird, and shoving it down in his suits seemingly non-existent right pocket.
"Why can't these people just understand that I don't give any fucks whatsoever!?" Spiderman demanded from those who were seated around them.
"PEOPLE ARE- Sorry, force of habit. People are just very stupid." Billy Mays stated.
"Look at my hand, Billy! LOOK AT MY FUCKING HAND! What do you see in my hand?!" Spiderman demanded.
"Nothing." Billy Mays answered.
"Exactly! This represents the fucks I give. THEY! DON'T! EXIST!" Spiderman shouted, before drinking down his apple juice in one go.
"Does thou feel better?" Luna inquired, concerned.
"Yeah. I needed that." Spiderman stated.
"Are you done yet? This hangover isn't sitting over well..." Rainbow Dash muttered. Half the ponies at the table nodded in agreement.
Spiderman jumped up on the table and leaned down, pushing his face against Rainbow Dashes snout. "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! NOT ONE, SINGLE FUCK!" He shouted at the top of his lungs.
"My brother... are you finished yet?" Black Jesus asked, starting to get annoyed by Spidermans behavior.
Spiderman climbed off the table, took a deep breath, and sat back down. "Yeah... I'm done..."
"BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!" Billy Mays proclaimed, "THE LORD BLACK JESUS HAS DEEMED YOU ALL WORTHY TO BE A PART OF THE SPREADING OF THE WORD OF OLD SPICE!"
"BEHOLD! THE BRAND FUCKING NEW GROUP DEVOTED TO SPREADING THE WORD OF OLD SPICE! IT IS CALLED THE CHURCH OF OLD SPICE ! JOIN NOW, OR YOU WILL ROT IN HELL FOR ETERNITY, FORCED TO GET AXED FOR ALL ETERNITY!"
"For those who do not know," Spiderman began, walking beside Billy Mays, "axed is when you get maced with axe. Like so!" Spiderman reached into one of his non-existent pockets and pulled out a bottle of axe, the devils deodorant and body wash, and sprayed it in Billy Mays face. Billy started screaming in agony, covering his eyes and running back and forth, before he ran straight into a wall, causing him to fall to the ground, unconscious.
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
"To those of you who are reading this," MarineMarksman began, "think of this as a part two to the previous chapter. I would have had more words, but I wanted to leave you guys with a little something. A little something to fuck with your heads when you finish reading this chapter. Something that will blow your mother fucking mind."
Shortly after Black Jesus and his followers finished their breakfast, and Rainbow Dash got over her panic attack, Black Jesus and Luna walked down the hallways of the amphitheater.
"That meal brought our taste buds pleasures never felt before." Luna stated, smiling at Black Jesus smugly.
"Thank the glory and power of Old Spice." Black Jesus stated.
"So, what is the plan for the day?" Luna inquired.
"As you likely overheard, I have been instructed by my father to begin writing the first edition Old Spice Bible. I plan on spending a lot of time on that today, and then maybe you and I could do something later." Black Jesus said with a casual shrug.
"Go out into the city before we leave for Las Pegas?" Luna asked.
"If the power of Old Spice let's it happen, it will happen." Black Jesus promised.
Luna clapped her hooves together happily. "That is wonderful news! I have not been to Los Pegasus since it's founding a thousand years ago."
Luna and Black Jesus continued walking down the halls, eventually reaching their room. Black Jesus went straight to his brand new laptop, which had an Old Spice logo slapped onto it, while Luna plopped down on the bed that Black Jesus and Luna had been sharing for the past couple days. The room became shrouded in silence, besides the steady rhythm of Black Jesus's typing. Luna's eyes slowly shut as she snuggled into her blankets, falling fast asleep.
Spike walked through the streets of Ponyville, having just got out of the hospital. Thanks to the glory and power of Old Spice, not only was he fully healed, he smelt like a true male. The male that would be able to pick up Rarity without any problems. Spikes puny, pathetic little heart fluttered at the thought of his crush. Little did he know, Rarity gave less of a fuck about Spike than Spiderman did.
Spike wobbled into the alley he typically used to cut through the town to the library.
Suddenly, somepony bucked him in the side of the head and sent into flying face first into a wall, knocking him out cold and giving him a serious concussion.
"This is gonna be fun..." The pony muttered, cackling evilly.
Big Bird, the Cookie Monster, and Oscar the Grouch all worked together row their canoe across the lake about five miles away from Ponyville. Why they were in Equestria, and not New York, no one knew. No one gave much of a fuck, either. Spiderman certainly didn't. And it's not like the purpose of them being there is important to the plot. Again, who gives a flying fuck.
Off topic.
"Bitches and hoes are like new clothes," they all sang in unison, "once you bought em, you wish you never got em."
The trio stopped singing abruptly as they spotted a lone figure standing on a distant small patch of land in the middle of the lake. The Cookie Monster immediately recognized him from when he was a member of the Nazi Party.
"Oh snap," Cookie Monster exclaimed, "It's fucking Hitler. Act cool..."
"Niggers." Hitler greeted, as he climbed into the canoe to the trio's dismay. "Head for Ponyville."
The trio complied and continued rowing, heading in the direction of Ponyville.
Luna looked around all around her, his face showing clear confusion. She was high up in the sky, surrounded by clouds and patches of blue sky. She had no idea how she got there, nor where she was.
And then, someone appeared in front of her. It was a white ape with an amazing, godly beard. He was shorter than Black Jesus and Bruce Campbell, but certainly just as muscular.
"Hello, Luna." He greeted.
"Who art thou?" Luna inquired, confused.
"You know exactly who I am. I am Chuck Norris." Chuck Norris stated.
"God..." Luna managed to say, mouth agape.
"We got a winner..." Chuck said smugly, "I'm contacting you regarding your sister, Celestia."
"Art thou going to tell me about her schemes? Or how I am going to kill her?" Luna asked sarcastically.
"No, my child. I'm going to tell you how to save her."
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
"Hello, my child, it is I, Black Jesus," Black Jesus greeted, as he sat beside the fireplace, "and I am here with an important message from MarineMarksman."
Black Jesus cleared his throat and started reading a small slip of paper, "Dear loyal fans and followers of Black Jesus, I am proud to announce that not only will Spike abuse will be making its return, it is now back in a new form, Spike torture. Or some shit like that. I don't give a flying fuck. It's Spike. No one gives a fuck about him. Spiderman actually gives him negative fucks. If he died, ponies would go to the funeral simply to desecrate his body and grave, and laugh at his demise."
"Well, I hope you guys are as happy as I am about the return of Spike abuse. Please, enjoy Chapter Twenty-Three." Black Jesus said, waving goodbye.
"WHY WOULD THOU EVEN INSINUATE SUCH A THING?! SAVING OUR SISTER?!" Luna demanded from Chuck Norris with her Royal Canterlot voice.
"Luna... please, hear me out." Chuck Norris begged (lawl, I know, Chuck Norris begging, what are the odds?).
Hesitantly, Luna sat down and looked up at Chuck Norris, waiting for him to speak.
"Luna, do you remember how after you were sent to the moon, that evil spirit took over you?" Chuck asked.
"Of course we do." Luna answered.
"Okay, a few years after you were born, a similar entity took over Celestia. I like to call it, the Anti-Spice."
"Catchy." Luna commented.
"The Celestia you used to know and love is still there, Luna. You must help her." Chuck Norris stated.
"But how?" Luna inquired.
"The Elements of Harmony. Gather them and use them against Celestia, and she will be freed. But... there are... complications." Chuck Norris said.
"Complications...?" Luna asked, worried.
"The Anti-Spice knows that the Elements can be used to free Celestia. So it is kept in a fortress, guarded by a company of Celestia's elite secret police forces, as well as nearby guard units. You will need a lot of firepower to get through there, but if I sent in Black Jesus... or Steroids Man, they would see them coming from a mile away. The Elements would be gone by then, and you would be screwed. That's why I'm sending you my son, Rambo Jesus. He will be able to lead your troops to victory without any major trouble. Now, return to my son Black Jesus, and tell him the news." Chuck Norris stated.
"Where... where am I?" Spike muttered, as his eyes slowly fluttered open. He looked around, finding himself in an old bathroom, covered in dry blood and feces. He tried to move his tiny, pathetic excuses for limbs, but found they were tried togehter.
Suddenly, a television lowered from the roof and switched on. An image of a dirty, white doll stared at Spike, scaring the living shit out of Spike.
"I would like to play a game." The doll stated, "I have been watching you for a long time, Spike. I know how everypony hates your guts. How ponies couldn't care less whether you died or not."
Spike only barely managed to stop himself from breaking down into sobs at what this mysterious doll just said. Mainly because what he said was true. Nopony cares about him.
"Spike, you need to listen to me. I haven't told you what the game is."
"Tell me..." Spike muttered.
"I have planted a bomb in your stomach. Since nopony cares about you, nopony will try to defuse it. I will, however, stop it from exploded, on one condition. You have two days to find somepony who care about you, and will not point and laugh if you get hurt. When you do, I will stop the timer, and you live. Clear?"
"Yeah..." Spike answered. Spike heard somepony trot up behind him, before he felt him or her whack his head with something hard, knocking the pathetic excuse for life out cold.
Hitler climbed out of the canoe, leaving behind the headless corpses of Big Bird, the Cookie Monster, and Oscar the Grouch. He smiled at his handiwork, running his fingers through the large pool of blood at the bottom of the canoe and licked the blood off of his fingers.
"Niggers." He said the corpses, as he walked away from the shore, walking in the direction of Ponyville.
You see, Hitler had plans. Evil plans. And these plans had to do with a certain Element of Magics big brother and "number one" assistant.
Old Spice help us all.
[Note - We do not condone the use of the word 'nigger' or any of its variants, but we do find racism hilarious. If you are butthurt, we would like to be the first to welcome you to the MOTHER FUCKIN INTERNET, BITCHES!]
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
The sun over Las Pegas fell behind the large mountain range to it's south, and was soon replaced by a large, full moon. The night didn't stop Giant Terry Crews from continuing his rampage, however. All that stood in his way was his brother, Steroids Man.
"POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRR!" Steroids Man bellowed, before shooting a large laser out of his mouth. The laser shot across the sky and hit Giant Terry Crews right in the chest. Terry Crews shrugged it off, swatting Steroids Man out of the sky like a fly. Steroids Man crashed into the ground below, creating a large crater. Steroids Man's vision started to fade as he looked up to the blackness above him, before his eyes closed and his vision ceased.
Obi-Wan Kenobi groaned and doubled over, puking up blood onto the metal floor of the Millennium Falcon. Luke Skywalker jumped to his feet and ran over to him.
"What is it?" Luke Skywalker asked, helping Obi-Wan off the floor.
"There is a-" Obi-Wan began to answer, before stopping mid sentence to puke up even more blood.
"A disturbance in the force?" Luke asked.
"No... worse... there is a disturbance in the Spice." Obi-Wan answered.
Luna woke up with gasp. He leaned up and found herself breathing heavily and damp with sweat. She looked over to where Black Jesus was supposed to be working on his laptop, but instead of working, she found he had fallen asleep on top of the laptops keyboard. She smiled at the sight, before remembering the urgency of the message Chuck Norris had given her.
"Jesus... thou needs to awaken with haste!" Luna exclaimed, trying to shake him awake.
"Huh...?" Black Jesus asked groggily as he sat up sleepily.
"We hath received a message from thy father. He speaks of a way to save my sister from herself. Much like how the Elements of Harmony saved us from ourselves when we returned from our banishment. And he is sending help."
"What type of help?" Black Jesus inquired.
"Rambo Jesus." Luna answered.
60's era Spiderman watched over the skyline of Los Pegasus, looking over the thousands of ponies that occupied the city. Truly, Spiderman didn't give a fuck about any of them. There was only one pony he truly give a fuck for. And that was Princess Luna.
No, not this universes Princess Luna. An alternate universe Luna, where Equestria is not ruled by a power hungry bitch who is PMS 24/7. Spiderman gave her his one and only fuck, something no mere mortal should possess. With one of Spiderman's fucks, you could rule the world and unlock the secrets of the universe.
Such as travelling to alternate universes.
A portal suddenly appeared over Spidermans head, before a small, light blue alicorn dropped out of it, landing in a crumpled heap beside the Spiderman.
"Aw buck..." the alternate universe Luna cursed, who we will be calling Lulu. She rubbed her head and looked up, to come face to face 60's era Spiderman.
"Spiderman...?" She asked weakly.
"Yeah." Spiderman answered, before pulling Lulu in for a tight hug.
"HI BILLY MAYS HERE WITH SOME BAD NEWS!" Billy mays exclaimed, "MARINEMARKSMAN WILL BE ON HIATUS FOR THE TIME BEING. THINGS ARE REALLY BUSY AT WHERE HE IS STATIONED AT THE MOMENT, AND HE DOES NOT HAVE THE TIME TO UPDATE THE STORY. HE APOLOGIZES FOR THIS. HOWEVER, FOR TWENTY PAYMENTS OF 19.95, YOU CAN TRAVEL INTO THE FUTURE AND READ THE LATEST CHAPTERS WITHOUT DELAY!"
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
[MarineMarksman - Sorry for the delay. I ran out of Old Spice, and I didn't get the chance to get anymore till recently. Why does this stop me? Because writing about Old Spice without wearing Old Spice is a sin equal to wearing Axe... but not equal to wearing Axe and talking about Old Spice.]
"Hey it's Vince Offer with an exciting new offer." Vince Offer stated.
"What the fuck is this shit?!" Every reader of this fic demanded angrily. Everyone knew that Vince Offer, aka, the Shamwow Guy, sucks some serious cock,
Vince pulled out a shamwow. "Look, shamwow! Wow! The super absorbant towel sponge thing! But guess what? It now has the permanent smell of Old Spice Mans Scented Body Wash. Wow! Look at this! I'm totally not annoying at all!"
Suddenly, the door behind Vince crashed down, to reveal a pissed off Billy Mays, cradling a double barrel shotgun in his hands.
"ARE YOU SHITTING ME!?" Billy Mays demanded, cocking his shotgun and blowing off Vince Offers face. Billy Mays kicked his limp, bleeding, lifeless body with all his strength.
"FUCK SHAMWOW!" Billy Mays exclaimed, turning his attention to the readers, "HI BILLY MAYS HERE WITH ZORBEEZ 2.0! THE MAKERS OF ZORBEEZ REALIZED SHAMWOW, SADLY, WAS MORE EFFECTIVE THAN THE ORIGINAL ZORBEEZ! NOW, ZORBEEZ 2.0 NOT ONLY HOLDS OVER SIXTY MOTHER FUCKING OUNCES OF LIQUID AND IS PRACTICALLY INVINCIBLE, IT NOW HAS THE PERMENANT SMELL OF OLD SPICE! SHAMWOW, HOWEVER, HAS PROVEN NOT TO HAVE A PERMANANT SCENT OF OLD SPICE!" At this, Billy Mays spat on Vince's lifeless body, before blasting him in the stomach with his shotgun, "ORDER TODAY, AND WE WILL INCLUDE A DOUBLE ORDER OF ZORBEEZ 2.0, AS WELL AS A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF OLD SPICE COLTS SCENTED BODY WASH! AND ONLY FOR 19.99 (plus OVER 9000! dollars in shipping and handling), ALL THIS CAN BE YOURS!"
"NOW, ENJOY CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX!" Billy Mays stated, waving goodbye to the readers.
Hitler marched through the streets of Ponyville, followed by a crowd of curious ponies. As he instructed, everytime Hitler shouted "SIEG HEIL!", the crowd would shout "HEIL" back.
"SIEG HEIL!" Hitler shouted.
"HEIL!" The crowd shouted back.
Hitler suddenly stopped and faced the crowd. "MIEN FOLLOWERS, I AM HERE TO BRING YOU NEWS OF TREACHERY AND HATE! THE UNICORN RACE IS PLOTTING AGAINST THE EARTH PONIES AND PEGASI! ALREADY, THEY ARE PLANNING TO WIPE OUT YOUR RACES COMPLETELY, SO THEY CAN LIVE IN HARMONY ON THEIR OWN. THEY SEE YOU AS SCUM, BUT I SEE YOU AS TRULY SUPERIOR. SIEG HEIL!"
"HEIL!" The frenzied crowd shouted back.
"GO, MIEN FRIENDS! GATHER THE UNICORNS! WE SHALL PUNISH THEM FOR THEIR EVIL! SIEG HEIL!"
"HEIL!" The crowd responded, before running off in multiple directions, searching for the small population of unicorns in Ponyville.
"Niggers." Hitler muttered happily to himself, watching the ponies leave. It was Nazi Germany all over again, just with ponies.
"Hey Hitlah." An overly high pitched voice greeted. Hitler turned around and came face to face with his greatest rival.
"JUSTIN BIEBER! YOU LESBIAN SCUM! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! ARE YOU HERE TO MEDDLE IN MIEN AFFAIRS ONCE MORE?!" Hitler demanded, thinking back to the previous time the Fuhrer and this lesbian met up.
Flashback time!
Hitler sat in his office, leaning back contently in his heavenly office chair that Hitler had nicknamed 'Mien Chair'. Suddenly, Hitlers assistance named Gunshe, who Hitler called 'Mien Gunshe', ran in and flashed Hitler a Nazi Salute.
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT, MIEN GUNSHE!?" Hitler demanded.
"Mien Fuhrer, I come bearing a report from Steiner on the bunkers security, and it would appear someone has infilitrated the bunker and is killing off member of the staff. The heads of every body found appears to have imploded." Gunshe stated.
"Well that's just fucking perfect. WHAT THE FUCK?!" Hitler shouted slamming his fist on his desk, "I CAN'T ALLOW SOMEONE TO GO THROUGH MY BUNKER AND KILL OFF MIEN PEOPLE!"
"FEGELEIN MUST BE RESPONSIBLE!" Hitler released, before slamming his fist on his desk over and over again, "FEGELEIN! FEGELEIN! FEGELEIN!"
"Sadly, it was not that bastard Fegelein, nor his antics... IT WAS YOU, WHO KILLED MIEN STAFF WITH YOUR HORRIBLE TALENTLESS VOICE!"
"It's not horrible! It's original and sexy, like the lyrics of my songs. Baby, baby, baby, oh!"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Hitler shouted at Justin Bieber, his ears starting to bleed.
While Justin Bieber "sang" (you could hardly call it singing; the sounds a dying animal makes is more musical than Justin Biebers talentless voice) and Hitler ranted, Caramel watched them with glazed over eyes from a far. He expertly rolled up a blunt and placed it in between his lips, before lighting it and inhaling deeply. As he exhaled, the day seemed to get even brighter and more cheerful.
"Dis some good shit." Caramel commented.
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
Q&A One/Chapter Twenty-Seven
[Authors note - Before I go on, I just want to give a quick shout out to NovelPony and... some other person who did a read through of the first chapter of my story. I really appreciate you two going through the effort of reading through the mind fuckery that my story provides outloud and posting it on youtube. I really hope you guys read through more chapters, and do read throughs of my planned sequels. Yes, I said SEQUELS! I am turning this series into a trilogy.
Also, props to Skyrimlegion for his stories on the Old Spice Guys invade Equestria universe. I'm going to consider everything that happens in his stories canon, and I will likely use them in these stories, with his permission. Also, I saw that your most recent story was blocked for being meta, so I was wondering if you would like me to post the new chapters of it on this story? Just curious, man. I suggest you all check out his stuff, guys. It fucks your mind something fierce.
Also, sorry for the short and late chapter. Fucking writers block, man. Does anyone have any ideas I could use?]
"Sup bitches? It's me, Chad Warden, here on behalf of the writers of this fic. But first, I need to go on about how the P.S. Triple is better than the Xbox 360. The Xbox is some gay ass shit-"
"EXCUSE ME?!" Billy Mays demanded, walking into the room. "HOW DARE YOU SAY THE PS3 IS BETTER THAN THE-"
"I know what you are about ta say, Billy, but the 360 is-"
"YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH WHEN BILLY MAYS IS SPEAKING!" Billy Mays shouted, cocking his shotgun and blasting Chad Warden in the stomach with it.
"Umm... due to the unforeseen death of Chad Warden... 60's Spiderman is now delivering the announcement." Rarity announced, before glancing at Chad Wardens body, causing her to empty the contents of her stomach all over the floor in a most unladylike manner after noticing all the blood and guts. One of Princess Luna's soldiers marched in and helped Rarity away, before Princess Lulu and Spiderman walked in.
"Hi everypony, I'm Princess Luna... I mean Princess Lulu." Princess Lulu greeted.
"And I'm Spiderman. I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't really give much of a fuck about anyone, anypony, or anything." Spiderman stated.
"Not even me?" Lulu asked, pouting playfully.
"You know damn well I gave you my one single fuck as a gift." Spiderman pointed out.
"ARE YOU GOING TO TELL THEM OR NOT?!" Billy Mays demanded.
"Billy, why don't you shut your fucking mouth for once?!" Spiderman snapped. The two looked like they were about to have a fist fight, but luckily, Lulu stepped in between them.
"Gentlemen, please!" Lulu pleaded. "Let us not steep to violence. I will deliver the announcement."
"My friends, ponies and humans alike, I have news from the writers of Old Spice Guys invade Equestria. They have decided to allow you, the readers, to ask them questions about the story, their lives, and about the power of Old Spice. If you would like to ask a question, please make a comment, and they will answer to the best of their ability in the next chapter. Now, on to chapter twenty-seven! Enjoy!" Lulu said, as she and Billy Mays waved good-bye, and Spiderman flipped you, the readers, the bird.
"We're back, Black Jesus." Connor MacManus said as he and his brother walked in.
"What took so long. my sons?" Black Jesus asked with a raised brow.
"Connor here wanted some more of his fucking rope, so we stopped at Maremart." Murphy stated.
"Oh? And how did that turn out?" Black Jesus inquired.
"Well..." Connor began.
It was your average day at your average Maremart, which was a branch of Walmart. Yes... that Walmart, that huge megastore chain we all hate. They decided to take their money hungry ways to Equestria in 2004. Anyways... let's get back on topic.
There were hundreds of ponies walking through the aisles of the store, shopping for their everyday needs without a care in the world.
Then suddenly, a portion of the ceiling collapsed, leaving a large gaping hole in the ceiling. Seconds later, the MacManus brothers fell from the hole and landed in the middle of the store. They quickly recovered from their fall and ran down the aisles. Suddenly, Connor spotted a bunch of rope hanging on a wall and snatched it. They then ran back out of the store, shooting a random pony in the face for no particular reason.
"My mind is so full of fuck..." Black Jesus commented, "anyways, I need you two to go talk to my brother, Rambo Jesus. He will need your assistance in a little op he has planned."
"No problem, Jesus." Murphy stated, before he and his brother walked away.
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
"So... I'm guessing you're wondering why I gathered you all here." Rambo Jesus stated, looking around at the people... and the one pokemon... gathered around him.
"Yeah, no shit." Swiper the Sniper commented, leaning against a wall as he polished his desert eagle. No, it's not golden. Golden guns is for Call of Duty faggot noobs. Seriously, do you have any idea how retarded it would be to carry around a golden gun in a combat zone?
Off topic.
"Cut the shit, Swiper!" Rambo Jesus snapped, "I gathered you all here for a matter of the utmost import- you know what, fuck this. My older brother Black Jesus is sending us in to fuck up some elite bad ass mofo's. Then we're going to get these things called the Elements of Harmony and bring em back to him. We must get these Elements of Harmony and return them to Black Jesus undamaged. Are we clear?"
(Authors note - I actually did a briefing like that once upon a time.)
"Pika!" Pikachu stated.
"Yes, thank you for that compliment Pikachu." Rambo Jesus ssaid, beaming at him.
"He can actually understand him?" Nicholas Cage asked Connor MacManus.
Connor shrugged. "I don't know man. I don't know." He responded.
Meanwhile, in Las Pegas, Rarity and Bruce Campbell disembarked from their private jet, under the watchful eyes of a joint Klokateer/Lunar Special Forces vanguard. While Giant Terry Crews has moved on, and as far as they knew, Celestia was busy, no one wanted to talk any risks.
"A bit overkill, don't you think?" Bruce commented, as he helped Rarity into the limo waiting for them, before sitting beside her.
"Better safe than sorry, darling." Rarity stated, as she snuggled up against him.
"VIP's are secure. Let's roll!" One of the soldiers called out.
"The convoy is on the move, Princess." Colonel Mcswaggerton (Secretly he is gay) said to the Princess as he walked into her quarters. "But... I have some bad news regarding Steroids Man. We may want to see Black Jesus."
"See me about what, my child?" Black Jesus inquired, as he walked in behind the Colonel.
"Black Jesus, I have some bad news regarding your brother." Mcswaggerton said. "You may want to sit down."
"Okay." Black Jesus stated, taking a seat beside Luna, who leaned into him and nuzzled him affectionately.
"Well... there is no easy way to say this..." Colonel Mcswaggerton began awkwardly, "But... early yesterday, your brother Steroids Man went to Las Pegas to fight Giant Terry Crews, who was attacking the city. As powerful as Steroids Man is... Giant Terry Crews overpowered him. Your brother is dead, Black Jesus."
Luna gasped slightly. "Oh Jesus... we are so sorry."
Black Jesus didn't respond. There was a tense silence for about a minute before Black Jesus said something. "Run." He ordered.
"What?" Luna asked.
"RUN!" Black Jesus shouted, as he turned towards Luna. Luna gasped as he noticed his wig, which was now his real hair thanks to the power of Old Spice (that's right, Old Spice cures baldness too), start to change from a dark brown color to a bright golden power. Black Jesus then flew through the roof at speeds that would put the Flash, Sonic, and Rainbow Dash to shame.
About a hundred miles away, Black Jesus landed in the middle of a barren desert. In his rage over the death of his brother, Black Jesus brother went through a transformation. I'm sure those of you who are fans of Dragon Ball Z are raging over the impossibility of this. But come on, this is the son of God. If Black Jesus wants to go Super Saiyan, he can go fucking Super Saiyan.
Black Jesus summoned a mirror with his black magic and examined himself with it. His hair was now, for some reason or another, spiked and flowing freely, as well as a bright golden color. His eyes as turned to a bluish-green color, and his muscles seemed much more toned. "That's new." Super Saiyan Black Jesus commented.
The moment Super Saiyan Black Jesus saw himself in the mirror, his first thought was that he should head back and show Luna a good time. But then he realized the purpose of this transformation, as he launched into the air, flying away at the speed of light.
Not even a second later, he stopped right in front of Giant Terry Crews, who was approaching Trottingham. As soon as Giant Terry Crews spotted him, he lunged at him, swinging his lumbering arm out at Super Saiyan Black Jesus with as much strength as he could muster. Super Saiyan neither flinched nor dodged the blow. He simply reached out and grabbed Giant Terry Crews giant arm with a single hand and flinging him up in the air. He then teleported above Giant Terry Crews and kicked him down towards the ground, sending him crashing into the forest below.
"Bitch please." Super Saiyan Black Jesus commented, before summoning a ball of energy, which he used to shoot a giant laser at Giant Terry Crews's limp form. Once the smoke cleared, Super Saiyan Black Jesus noticed that all that was left of Giant Terry Crews was a giant charred skeleton, as well as a large crater. Satisfied with the death of his brother murderer, Super Saiyan Black Jesus flew away, heading back for Las Pegasus.
Authors note - I apologize for the late update. A few days ago, a close friend of mine passed... and I didn't go through the process of grieving well. Especially with those fucking Westboro Baptists protesting his funeral. We have a few more chapters left before this story comes to an end, but then the next installment in the series will begin. Thank you for your patience.
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
No Mr. T he made cameo in EarthBound
“Sup foo’s?” Mr T. asked, “yeah, it’s me. I don’t care about my fucking cameo in Earthbound, because Old Spice mans scented body wash is more important than fucking EarthBound.”
“And what is an EarthBound anyways?” Mr. T. inquired, “I didn’t ever receive a fucking memo about it, or my cameo in it.”
“I’m in this story now. And this is my message to any of your foo’s who say otherwise; shut up foo!” Mr. T proclaimed.
"HI BILLY MAYS HERE WITH A BRAND NEW OFFER!" Billy Mays announced as he walked in the room. "ARE YOU TIRED OF BEING A FUCKING WEAKLING AND GETTING PUSHED AROUND EVERYWHERE YOU GO? WANT TO GET IN SHAPE FAST? THEN THIS PRODUCT IS PERFECT FOR YOU!"
"INTRODUCING... SUPER TOAST!" Billy Mays proclaimed proudly, “DEVELOPED BY ONE OF THE MOST FAMOUS SCIENTISTS TO EVER LIVE, SUPER TOAST WILL INSTANTLY MAKE YOU STRONGER AND HEALTHIER. SUPER TOAST WAS MADE BY COMBINING THE POWER OF OLD SPICES MAN SCENTED BODY WASH WITH TOAST. FOR 19.95 (plus shipping and handling), I WILL INCLUDE NOT ONE, NOT TWO, NOT THREE, NOT EVEN FUCKING FOUR BOXES OF SUPER TOAST. I WILL SEND YOU TEN MOTH FUCKING BOXES OF SUPER TOAST TO YOU.“
“ORDER NOW, AND I WILL THROW IN A PICTURE OF MARINEMARKSMANS ERECT COCK. HOW DID I GET IT? DON’T ASK! I WILL ALSO THROW IN LIFESIZE CELESTIA AND LUNA PLUSHIES WITH FLESHLIGHTS STUCK IN THEM.
"Why are we stopped?" Bruce Campbell asked as their limo rolled to a halt.
"We have to pick up the body of Steroids Man. He died yesterday fighting Giant Terry Crews." The soldier driving the limo stated completely without emotion.
"God damn man..." Bruce Campbell muttered solemnly. Rarity looked out the window and watched as a group of soldiers carried a mahogany casket with an American flag draped over it (because Steroids Man is an AMERICAN; AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!) and loaded it into a black SUV.
"I sincerely hope Black Jesus is taking these unfortunate chain of events well." Rarity stated.
"I hope so too Rarity." Bruce agreed.
Meanwhile, halfway across the world, Super Saiyan Black Jesus was flying across the planet over and over again, screaming out his rage. Sure, he had brutally defeated the killer of his brother, Steroids Man, but that doesn't change the fact that his brother is dead. And Super Saiyan Black Jesus soon came to terms with the fact that he couldn't make past change by flying around the world at unimaginable speeds, causing the planet to spin backwards. You know, like in that one Superman movie.
Fucking loved that movie.
“So Princess…” Twilight began, “why do we need to put on all this gear?”
“The final battle is at hoof, Twilight Sparkle. We must be ready for it.” Luna responded, as she tossed on an ACU Pony Combat Shirt (the pony version of something called an Army Combat Shirt; Look it up).
“Ah thank this is a bit overkill, Princess.” Applejack stated, as she looked over the PCS and the body armor she was provided.
“Applejack, we shall likely be going into a dangerous combat zone. Thou may get hurt without these precautions.”
“Besides, these things make us look rather badass.” Rainbow Dash pointed out.
“Well, ya got me there, Dash.” Applejack stated, tossing on her PCS.
“Hey girls, where are Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy?” Twilight asked.
“We had some of our troops help suit them up in a different room.” Luna responded.
“Dear Black Jesus! Ah can only imagine how difficult those soldiers jobs are right now.” Applejack stated.
Staff Sergeant Backdraft crept towards Fluttershy, who was curled up in a ball for protection and was shivering with fear.
“Come on miss. You need to let me put this stuff on you.” Backdraft stated, starting to get annoyed by the shy yellow pegasus’s behavior.
“Eeeep!” Fluttershy squeaked, before hiding behind a nearby couch.
“Ugh… you having better luck, Hammer?” Backdraft inquired.
“What do you think?” Sergeant Hammer asked sarcastically, motioning at Pinkie Pie, who was somehow standing on the ceiling, sticking her tongue out at him.
“I do not get paid enough for this crap.” Backdraft said, facehoofing, as he rounded the couch and pulled Fluttershy out by her hind leg. She squirmed free and stared intently into Backdrafts eyes. Instead of making the soldier back off using the Stare like she had with so many creatures and ponies, Backdraft just stared back at her inquisitively.
“What are you doing?” Backdraft asked.
“What? That was supposed to work! It always works.” Fluttershy exclaimed.
“What was?” Backdraft asked.
“The Stare. It’s supposed to strike fear into your heart and make you do my bidding.” Fluttershy explained.
“Oh, that’s what I was feeling. I thought I had heart burn or something.” Backdraft said jokingly, getting Fluttershy to giggle slightly (despite the absolute shittiness of the joke).
“So, would you mind letting me put this on you now?” Backdraft inquired.
“I guess…” Fluttershy responded shyly.
Meanwhile, out in the courtyard, Rambo Jesus and his team, plus a platoon of Lunar Special Forces, were climbing aboard ten awaiting UH-1 Huey transport helicopters.
“A little dated, don’t you think?” Nicholas Cage inquired.
“Are you kidding me?” Swiper the Sniper asked, “Nothing else strikes fear into peoples hearts better than a fleet of approaching Huey’s.”
“Pika pika! Pika pika chu Pikachu chu!” Pikachu said, looking absolutely fucking adorable in his tiny body armor and Multicam Army Combat Shirt.
“That right Pikachu, but we don’t have access to any of the newer variants of the Huey.” Rambo Jesus stated.
Murphy MacManus was about to ask Rambo Jesus how he could understand the little yellow mouse pokemon, but he interrupted by a familiar voice. “HI BILLY MAYS HERE WITH YOUR BRIEFING!” Billy Mays stated (so loudly you could hear it over the sound of the helicopter blades), “OUR GOAL IS TO SECURE THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY AND THE COMPOUND THAT IT IS HIDDEN IN. AS YOU MAY KNOW, CELESTIA STATIONED A BATTALION OF HER MOST HIGHLY TRAINED SECRET POLICE AT THE COMPOUND. THESE FORCES ARE COMPLIMENTED BY ARMOR AND TRIPLE A, SO WATCH OUT WHERE YOU FLY, PILOTS. ONCE OUR FORCES LAND, SECOND PLATOONS WILL BEGIN ITS ASSAULT.”
“CLOSE AIR SUPPORT WILL BE ON STAND BY, AND SECOND PLATOON WILL BE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE M1A2 ABRAMS, AS WELL AS FIVE LAV-25’S, INCASE YOU RUN INTO ANY ENEMY ARMOR. ONCE YOU LAND, LUNA AND THE ELEMENT BEARERS, PLUS THE REST OF FIRST BATTALION, WILL START THEIR FLIGHT HERE. SO HURRY UP AND TAKE OUT ANY TRIPLE A IN THE AREA; IF THE ELEMENTS GET SHOT OUT OF THE SKY, ALL WILL BE LOST. GOOD LUCK SOLDIERS, AND GOD SPEED.”
As Billy Mays finished his speech, the Huey’s started to lift off the ground. After climbing to a height far above the tall skyscrapers of Los Pegasus, the Huey’s were joined by a squadron of blue and gold F-35B’s, as well as a squadron of black and navy blue A-10 Thunderbolt II’s.
“This is Captain Spitfire, callsign Wonderbolt One, we are ready to provide you air cover.” Spitfire stated
“This is Lieutenant Commander Nightwing of the Royal Equestrian Navy, callsign Shadowbolt One, we are ready to provide ground forces with close air support.” Nightwing said with an accent similar to a Russian accent.
“Let get this done, guys, quick and clean.” Rambo Jesus said.
Authors note – Who likes firefights? I like firefights! Who likes dogfights (as in fighter jets fighting other fighter jets? I like dogfights! Who likes tank battles? I like tank battles! And it’s all in the next chapter.
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
"Second platoon, this is first platoon, we are in position outside the compound and are waiting for you to begin your assault. How copy?" Rambo Jesus's voice cracked over the radio.
"We copy you loud and clear, First Platoon." Captain Shining Armor responded, "we are ready to begin our divisionary assault. Just need the green light to do so."
"I'm giving you the green light to engage, Shining Armor, get the job done, and stay safe. I don't think Twilight or Cadence want you coming back in a body bag." Rambo Jesus stated, before the radio erupted in static.
Shining Armor thought about what Rambo Jesus had just said, cringing at the image of Cadence and Twilight crying together upon hearing the news of his death, before switching the radio frequency to his platoons main frequency. "Second platoon, get ready to launch the assault. I want the Abrams leading the way, and the LAV's close behind them. I'll be in the lead Abrams, so watch your fucking fields of fire!"
As he finished saying this, he switched off the radio and started to climb out of the LAV-25 he was riding in.
"Good luck, sir." The trooper sitting in the cabin with him said.
"You too, trooper." Shining Armor responded, before opening the LAV's rear doors and jumping out. He immediately galloped to the closest M1A2 and climbed aboard it. The pony manning the gunner position was kind enough to move out of the way long enough for the Captain to slip by him and make his way into the tanks cabin.
"Get in front of the formation." Shining Armor said to the driver, before turning to the loader, "load sabot rounds and get ready for contact."
"Yes sir." The loader responded, wrapping her hooves around a sabot round and carefully sliding it into the Abrams firing port, before slamming the safety hatch over the firing port.
"We're loaded and ready to fire!" The loader shouted at Shining Armor as the M1 started to speed up as it cut in front of the rest of the formation.
"Second Platoon, First Platoon here, I have eyes on four black Challenger Two Echo Main Battle Tanks rolling out of the convoy and heading your way. There is no way you will be able to see them with this darkness; recommend you switch to thermal, over?" Rambo Jesus advised.
"Copy that. All units, switch to thermal vision." Shining Armor ordered. "Gunner, do you have eyes on enemy contacts?"
"Yes sir." The gunner, a Corporal Burning Frost, responded eagerly.
"All Abrams, fire at will. LAV's, charge the line and drop off your troops." Shining Armor said into his headsets mike, before turning to the gunner, "Open fire!"
Rambo Jesus turned around as he heard the booming of the Abrams cannons in time to see them strike the enemy Challenger 2E Main Battle Tanks, three of them exploding into giant balls of fire (one exploding with force to cause its turret to fly off the tank and land twenty feet away). Seconds later, another barrage hit the last remaining Leopard 2E, causing it to explode violently.
"This is Shadowbolt One, we're moving in for our attack run." Nightwing's voice stated over the radio, right before a squadron of A-10 Thunderbolt II's, painted in Shadowbolt livery, screeched overhead, firing hydra rockets and dropping bombs onto the base. They banked to the right and turned around, firing their chin mounted gatling guns into the base. This strafe runs caused plenty of humongous explosions, sure to fuel The Grey Pegasus's hunger for explosions. Now simmah down nah!
"Good effect on target!" Rambo Jesus said into his headsets mike, before turning to the remains of First Platoon, "we need to scale this wall. Someone give me a boost."
The moment Rambo Jesus said this, a unicorn trotted up and levitated the rest of First Platoon over the wall, before teleporting to the other size.
"I predicted that would happen." Nicholas Cage stated in a matter of fact manner.
"Impressive, Captain." Swiper the Sniper complimented. Rambo Jesus nodded in agreement.
The Captain blushed at the compliment. "Thanks. But you can ditch the formalities. Call me Star Streak, or Star for short." She said.
"Alright, time to cut the crap." Rambo Jesus ordered, "Liam, go with the MacManus brothers and the rest of First Platoon and take out those Triple A batteries. Pikachu, Swiper, Nicholas, Star, on me."
After flying around the world OVER 9000! times, Super Saiyan Black Jesus finally landed on the top of the Amphitheater, where Princess Luna was waiting.
"Nicholas Cage prophesied you arrive here tonight." Princess Luna stated, before checking an old fashioned pocket watch, "right on time too. What did thou do?"
Super Saiyan Black Jesus took a deep breathe, before transforming back into Black Jesus. "I killed Giant Terry Crews, as was our destiny..."
"Was?" Luna asked.
Black Jesus sighed sadly and looked down his hands, unable to face his beloved. "When I was sent here, my mission wasn't just to spread the word of Old Spice and get rid of Apple Spice, which I am happy has been practically eradicated even since the show a few days ago, but it was also to stop Giant Terry Crews with my brother, Steroids Man."
"But... he went on his own for some reason. Maybe he just felt like he didn't need me... or maybe he felt the need to protect the citizens of Las Pegas. Either way, he should have known he didn't have the power to fight Giant Terry Crews, and ended up dying because of this grave mistake. Upon hearing the news on his death... something awakened in me. I became, like, fifty times more powerful.... and I was able to defeat him, by myself... but I was supposed to fight him with my brother, together."
"We understand your predicament. We had a similar predicament when we ruled with our sister. Let's just say that we were supposed to lead this nation together... and she decided she didn't want to." Princess Luna stated.
"Well, technically, that was the Anti-Spice." Black Jesus pointed out.
"Oh yeah..." Luna said.
Black Jesus looked over at Luna and pulled her into a tight embrace. "I'm sorry." He said.
"We are too." Luna responded, before pecking him on the lips.
Meanwhile, outside of Canterlot, Hitler stood there, smiling. After finally outrunning that god damned lesbian faggot, he arrived here to continue with his plans. To turn the pegasi and earth ponies against unicorns, so he could rise in power and begin the Fourth Reich.
"Niggers..." Hilter whispered to himself, licking his lips.
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
Authors note - Before I begin... I must ask this... is anyone actually reading this anymore? I mean, I know a few people are, but I haven't seen the usual influx of comments I typically see when I post a new chapter. I've only gotten eight or so comments from the last THREE chapters I posted, which I would typically get around 20 or so comments just a couple weeks ago. I live on your hilarious comments guys, it gives me the morale to keep writing this story.
The sequel to this story, "The Adventures of Black Jesus and Pals", is currently being worked on. It will probably be released a few weeks after the conclusion of the "Old Spice Guys invade Equestria."
On a side note, this chapter is entirely dedicated to wrapping up the side stories revolving around Spike and how much he is hated, and how no one gives two shits about him, Caramel's obsession with buckweed, and Hilter's attempts to start a civil war. Oh, and Justin Bieber. Enjoy.
Spike the insignificant little fucking dragon literally crashed through the front entrance of the Ponyville Elementary School, causing the doors to fly off their hinges and slide down the hall, hitting one unlucky filly with a lisp that no one really cares about. Not even Spike cares about her. But, Twist abuse isn't on my agenda today. It's Spikes time to shine.
Spike remembered what that one creepy talking little fucking doll told him. Regarding the bomb in his stomach, and the fact that it could only be deactivated if he could find a friend. And according to his estimates, he had only an hour before he exploded into a huge fireball. Well, according to his imagination, at least.
In the last day, Spike had been trying everything in his power to get people to care about him. He actually saved twenty ponies from a burning building to get noticed. But, still, no one cared. Hell, the ponies he saved ganged up on him and beat the shit out of him for laying his grubby puny little claws on them. Shit's fucked up, man.
"This is my last shot..." Spike muttered to himself, stopping in front of Ms. Cheerlie's room.
Meanwhile, in Ponyville's park, Caramel was relaxing in the grass, smoking a deftly rolled blunt and enjoying the scenery. There were birds chirping, children laughing, rabbits hopping, and horrible singing.
Really, really, horrible singing.
As soon as he realized just how horrible this singing was, he found out his pleasant trip to the park was all for not, for Justin Bieber, the worst singer to ever live, had arrived, singing its heart out. Seriously, I can't even tell if Justin Bieber is a boy or a girl. Justin Bieber looks like a fucking lesbian most of the time, for fucks sake.
Fun Fact: It takes a lot to make a stoner, especially one who is currently high, angry.
Even Funner Fact: It takes a fuck lot more, like Justin Biebers horrible singing, to get Caramel as pissed the fuck off as he currently is.
Sick of Justin Biebers shit, Caramel reached into his backpack and pulled out a compact uzi sub machine gun, before aiming it the fucker and depressing on the trigger. Sputtering rounds out at 600 rounds per minute (that's 10 rounds per mother fucking second), he continued to fire into Justin Biebers chest until he was out of ammo. But, somehow, Justin Bieber was still alive. Curses! Who knew Chuck Norris was a troll.
Then suddenly, Caramel spotted a large dust cloud in the distance. It was the entire town, charging his way. Within a couple seconds, everypony circled around Justin Bieber and literally started tearing him limb from limb. Caramel took a personal joy in his screams in agony.
"Hey!" A cop shouted at Caramel, "Is that your uzi?"
Caramel glanced down at the uzi he had in his hoof. "Yes." He responded simply, hoping he wouldn't get in as much trouble if he told the truth up front.
Much to his surprise, the Cop smiled kindly. "You are lucky, you know that?"
"Yeah. Hey, want a smoke?" Caramel asked, offering the cop a blunt.
"Big mistake, buddy." The cop said, frowning, before kicking the uzi out of Caramels hand like a mother fucking ninja and tackling him to the ground, slapping hoof cuffs onto him.
"Mien friends, the scum known as the earth ponies and the pegasi are plotting against you. I saw it with mien eyes. They are jealous of your magic powers, and wish to kill you all so they may rain supreme. But I will not allow that. I will lead you against them. Sieg heil!" Hilter shouted at the frenzied crowd of unicorns gathered around him.
"Heil!" The frenzied crowd shouted back.
"We must prepare, mien friends. We must stockpile weapons, food, and ammunition. We must train, and get ready for the coming fight, that I will help you win. The earth ponies and the pegasi are nothing compared to the master race. They will perish under mien boots and your hooves. Sieg Heil!"
"Hiel!" They shouted back.
"Sieg Hiel!" Hilter chanted again.
"Hiel!" They shouted back once more.
"Now go! We must hurry! They may strike at any moment!" Hitler shouted, watching satisfied as the unicorns dispersed as fast they could.
"Niggers." He chirped happily.
Spike took a deep breath and entered the classroom. As he entered, all eyes turned on him. One rather fat foal named Cookie, for his love of cookies, got up from his seat and walked over to him and bucked him square in the nuts. As he fell to his knees in agony, he noticed that every single pony in the room, including Ms. Cheerlie, was laughing at him.
Except for one.
Painfully, Spike wobbled over the desk of a certain filly with a yellow coat and strawberry mane and did his best to not cry out in agony, as he asked her a single question: "Can we talk outside real quick?"
"Ah guess so. We're on break." Applebloom responded, getting up from her desk and trotting to the door. But upon passing a certain snooty ponies desk, she was tripped, causing her fall on her face.
Spike turned and saw Diamond Tiara laughing at Applebloom's suffering, openly bragging to her classmates about how she did it.
You know what Spike did?
He wobbled over to Diamond Tiara's desk and stared her straight in the eyes. Diamond Tiara stared straight back into his eyes, smirking at him.
"What do you want, loser?!" She demanded.
"I want you to CUT THE SHTI!" Spike shouted, before slapping her across the face, then slamming her face into her desk, leaving her crying and sniveling (people may complain back this, but we all secretly want this to happen). He then turned to the rest of the class, whom he found looking at him with... respect. Satisfied that he had brought justice, he wobbled over to Applebloom and helped her up.
"You hurt?" Spike asked, leading her out of the classroom.
"Nothin too bad. Ah've been threw werse on the farm." Applebloom responded, wiping away a trickle of blood that was rolling down her nose, "and thanks, by the way. Fer sticking up for meh."
"Don't mention it. What are friends for?" Spike stated.
"Friends?!" Applebloom asked, causing Spike to almost shit himself. However, before he soiled himself, Applebloom leaned forward and pecked him on the lips.
"Wha-?" Spike began to ask, before Applebloom hushed him.
"Ah'd be willin to consider us more than friend, Spikey-wikey." Applebloom stated, "come see me after school, all right?"
After Applebloom trotted back into the classroom with a spring in her step, and the paramedics carried the bleeding Diamond Tiara out of the classroom, Spike felt the bomb in his stomach deactivate.
Then he realized what just happened. He didn't make a friend, he just got his first girlfriend.
IMPOSSIBRU!
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
Authors note - So... I'm thinking of doing a fans day thing. You know, where all of you readers get together on something like a chat or something and we all hang out together. You know, talk about Old Spice, have group sex, that type of stuff. What do you guys think? Think that would be fun?
Also, due to complications, I will not be including a dogfight. Sorry, I've written them before, and I've been trying to write them for this story, but they won't come write. To compensate, I've got something new in store for you. Oh, and I'll throw in some more Spike for you.
"Swiper, how close are you to the elements?" Rambo Jesus's voice inquired from Swipers headset. Swiper muttered an angry grumble into the headsets mouthpiece in response.
"In the name of the Spice, shut up." He whispered hoarsely (no pun intended), "If I get caught, we're screwed."
"Whatever." Rambo Jesus said, before static replaced Rambo Jesus's voice. Swiper imagined the Metal Gear Solid theme playing in the background as he crept slowly around the corner, a suppressed P90 cradled in his pays. Suddenly, he heard hoofsteps right behind him. He swiftly turned around and dropped to his knees, to come face to face with a Lunar Special Forces Operative.
To be more specific, Captain Star Streak.
"Star? What are you doing in here?" Swiper whispered hoarsely to her, turning back around.
"Rambo Jesus sent me in behind you, but since you were so busy trying to be stealthy, he was trying to tell you that I was coming in behind you. Also, why the fuck are you behind stealthy?" She asked.
"Because, it's fun." Swiper responded, taking the suppressor off the P90. "Ever played Metal Gear Solid?"
"Which one?" Star asked, as they walked down the hallway, weapons at the ready.
"Any of them." Swiper said, as he rounded the corner, dropping to his knees and scanning for contacts. "Clear. Move up."
"Right. Also, I've played just about everyone of them. That shit's my childhood." Star stated, as she trotted down the hallway. She turned the corner, only to be knocked to the ground from the force of a bullet that hit her in the chest, which was luckily covered up by body armor.
"CONTACT!" Star shouted, as she scrambled behind cover. Swiper leaned out from behind cover and fired a burst down the hallway, which struck one of Celestia's soldiers in the chest.
"We need back up!" Swiper shouted into his headset.
"We copy, Swiper. I've got something inbound to back you up." Rambo Jesus stated. Before Swiper could ask what this something was, the building started to shake and rumble, which became stronger with every second that passed. Suddenly, part of the wall opposite of them collapsed, revealing a M1A2 Abrams Main Battle Tank.
"Tank!" One of Celestia's soldiers shouted in surprise.
"Might wanna cover your ears!" Shining Armor shouted over the radio. Swiper and Star barely had enough time cover their ears before the M1A2's 120mm smoothbore cannon fired a shell down the hallway, hitting one of Celestia's soldiers directly in the stomach, causing him to literally blow to bits.
"Fall back! Fall back!" A loyalist commander shouted, "Fall back to the Elements Chamber!"
As the loyalists began to fall back, Shining Armor popped out from the top of the tank and started to fire the M2 turret attached to the top of the tank at them, ripping apart anyone who did not manage to get out of the way.
"They are falling back to the Elements Chamber. Come on!" Shining Armor shouted at Star and Swiper, who were still huddled around the corner. "Dismount!" He shouted at the crew manning the tank.
As the crew began to dismount and hastily threw on their kevlar helmets and loaded their M4 carbines, a squad of Lunar Special Forces, armed with brand new M8 and SCAR assault rifles trotted out from the tunnel that tanks path of destruction so gracefully provided.
"Where's the enemies?" The squad leader asked.
"They fell back down the hallway." Shining Armor stated, "we're going in after them."
"Let's go!" The squad leader shouted to his men, as he and his squad charged forward, with the tank crew, Star, and Swiper right behind them.
Meanwhile, in Ponyville, Spike was waiting outside of the Ponyville Elementary School. After pushing out a 10 pound deactivated explosive devise out of his ass, he wobbled painfully back to the school. His asshole was bigger than prison bitch's asshole at the moment, and he still felt weak from the amount of blood he had lost. But his giant asshole was luckily covered up by the suit he decided to wear to impress Applebloom.
To be honest, it made him look like a fucking tool.
"Hay Spike!" Applebloom chirped as she walked up to him, "what's with the suit."
"I- um... thought I would take you out for lunch?" Spike asked, feeling like he fucked up something fierce.
"Great! Hop on! Ah'll take ya to mah favorite restaurant." Applebloom stated. Pathetically, Spike climbed onto Appleblooms back with his stubby arms and legs. The moment he was on, she galloped away, causing Spike to go flying and hit his head on the floor, suffering a minor concussion.
"Ya alright, Spike?" Applebloom asked, helping him off the ground.
"I'll live." Spike responded, brushing off his coat.
"Come on, hop back on, and let's try again." Applebloom said.
"WHY THE HELL DID BLACK JESUS PAIR US UP AGAIN?! AND WHY DID HE SEND US HERE?!" Billy Mays demanded as he and Spiderman waltzed through the streets of Ponyville like a couple of bosses.
"I don't know, Billy; I frankly don't give a single fuck." Spiderman stated. Suddenly, they spotted a small dust cloud in the distance, and whatever causing it was approaching fast.
"WHAT'S THAT?!" Billy Mays inquired.
"I don't give a fuck." Spiderman responded. They then realized what was creating the dust cloud. It was Spike riding on a small yellow filly with a strawberry mane.
"Yee haw!" The filly cheered gleefully as she galloped past the two gods/prophets/heroes/pretty cool guys. They turned around and watched her race away down the street.
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS SPIKE DOING?! HE HAS NO FRIENDS! WHERE DID HE GET A FRIEND?!" Billy Mays demanded.
"One, fuck you, I'm Spiderman," Spiderman stated, flipping Billy Mays the bird, shoving his finger right into his face, "two, I don't know, and three, even if I did know, I don't give a flying single fuck."
"HEY! I'M GETTING A TEXT FROM NICHOLAS CAGE!" Billy Mays said, looking at his cell phone.
"Me too. Not like I give a shit." Spiderman said, pulling his cell phone out of his nonexistent pocket and examined it.
About Spike finding someone who actually cares about him (her name is Applebloom, btw):
I saw it coming.
-Cage
"HOW DOES HE ALWAYS KNOW?!" Billy Mays inquired, confused.
"I don't give a fuck." Spiderman responded.
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
“Blast doors…” The Lunar Special Forces squads leader muttered as he ran a hoof down the heavy metal door. “Got to be at least a couple feet thick.”
“Going to need more than a breaching charge to get through that thing.” Star observed, “Shining, have anything in the tank that might be able to cut through?”
Swiper walked up the blast doors and observed it, then noticed it was locked by a type of lock he was very familiar with.
“I got this.” Swiper stated, approaching the terminal where the keypad. “I’ve dealt with these locks when I was thief back in the day. This won’t take long. Get in position.”
Swiper looked over the keypad for a couple seconds, then typed in #133769. A clanking sound was heard from the door, and it started to slowly open.
“How did you know the code?” Star inquired, sliding against the wall.
“I helped build it.” Swiper stated proudly, loading a fresh magazine into his P90.
“Flashbangs out!” One of the Lunar Special Forces operatives called out as he and another operative threw in a pair of flashbangs. Once they detonated, two operatives filed in, followed by another two, and then Star and Swiper. Much to Swipers surprise, the only loyalists in the room were a trio of dazed secret police operatives, who were quickly knocked to the ground and hogtied by the Special Forces that entered prior to them.
“Where are the others?!” The Lunar Special Forces squad leader demanded from one of the loyalists.
“They aren’t here. Everyone else is either dead, or fighting your forces outside the building. We didn’t exactly expect you guys to get this far, to be honest. Much less use a tank on us INSIDE the building.” The loyalist responded, laughing heartily.
“Why are you so cheerful? You’re a POW.” The squad leader inquired.
“Isn’t it obvious?” He asked, smiling crazily like the Joker in the Dark Knight. “We are all about to die. Why don’t you take a look in that box over there.”
The squad leader turned around and spotted a metal container sitting in the corner behind him. He turned to the tank crew. “Go check it out. We’ll handle the prisoners.”
“Right. Swiper, Star, why don’t you take the Elements of Harmony outside. I heard we have a Chinook waiting on you.” Shining Armor said calmly.
“Right. Come on Swiper.” Star Streak urged, packing the Elements of Laughter, Kindness, and Magic into her backpack. Swiper swiped (lawl) the Elements of Honestly, Loyalty, and Generosity and hung the necklaces from his neck. As soon as they had the Elements of Harmony gathered, they picked up their firearms and ran out of the room.
“About time you guys showed up.” Liam Neeson stated as Star and Swiper emerged from the building.
“What? Were we late for something?” Star asked.
“Not really. Missed the show though.” Liam said.
“And you missed a fucking tank crashing through that building.” Swiper stated, pointing at the tank sized hole in the wall.
“Just get on the Chinook.” Liam growled. Not wanting to argue, Swiper and Star Streak hurried to comply, racing up the Chinooks ramp and jumping into a couple of unoccupied seats.
“We will take Elements of Harmony. We are very proud of the two of you.” Princess Luna stated, levitating the Elements of Harmony off of Swipers neck and out of Star Streaks backpack. The Chinook lifted off the ground and zoomed away from the compound.
“Shit!” Someone shouted over the radio as the Chinook started to pass over the forest surrounding the compound.
“Nuclear device!” Shining Armor shouted over the radio.
“Shit, it’s been activated!” Someone shouted.
“How long before it detonates, Captain?” Princess Luna inquired.
Before Shining Armor responded, there was a blinding light that caused everyone looking out the windows of Chinook to shield their eyes and look away. When they looked back, all that was left was nuclear fire and a large mushroom cloud
Obi-wan leaned forward and violently vomited up blood onto the floor of the Millennium Falcon, which Chewbacca just finished cleaning up.
“[God Dammit!]” Chewy growled, staring at the vomit he knew he would have to clean up, as usual.
“What is it, Obi-wan?” Luke Skywalker asked.
“A-another disturbance in the force.” Obi-wan managed to say, before projectile vomiting right into Luke Skywalkers face.
Black Jesus stood waiting at helipad at the Los Pegasus International Airport, waiting for Princess Luna’s Chinook to arrive. He had heard from reports that the operation was a tactical victory, and that the Elements of Harmony was secured by Lunar Special Forces. But of course… they lost half of the Lunar Special Forces First Battalion when the nuke detonated. Over 500 ponies, dead in an instant, while he sat here and watched.
In the distance, he could see the Chinook approaching fast. It then slowed to a crawl and landed on the helipad. The ramp leading to the troop bay lowered to the ground. Princess Luna exited first, who, despite her regal attitude, looked close to crying. Seeing this, Black Jesus started walking towards her and extended his arms out to her, arms that Luna fell into in a rather ungracious manner, balling into his shoulders.
“W-we failed… we failed our duty to keep our ponies safe. We should have known that the Anti-Spice would be desperate enough to try something so drastic. Now , 500 of our little ponies have been reduced to dust. Even Shining Armor, our nieces husband, and one of the most loyal and honorable soldiers in Equestria, won’t even be able have his body returned to his wife and his sister. We have failed in our duty to them, Black Jesus. We have failed.”
As Black Jesus did his best to comfort her, Rambo Jesus walked up to her. “Princess, I know what you are going through.” Rambo Jesus began, “I’ve sent men to their deaths before, and trust me, it isn’t fun. I can remember each and every face of the troops I have lost in battle. But you need to remain strong . Not only for those who were lost, but also for those who survived. If they see you like this, the results won’t be good. So excuse me for being a bit of a hardass, but the mission was a success; We have the Elements of Harmony, and the enemy opposition was wiped out; Those were the objectives. You didn’t lose civilians, you lost soldiers. Soldiers who knew they might be going to their deaths. That’s what we signed up for. Now wipe those tears away, before the survivors see you.”
As Rambo Jesus walked away, he clamped a heavy hand down on Black Jesus’s shoulder. “Same goes for you, my brother.” He said, before walked away, carrying his M249 by its carry handle.
“Thy brother is correct. We shouldn’t be sniveling like a foal.” Luna said, pulling away from Black Jesus’s embrace and wiping away her tears.
Black Jesus shook his head. “No. You are mourning. That isn’t a sign of weakness. But, now isn’t the time to mourn, my child.”
News of the death of over 500 soldiers from a nuclear device spread rather quickly. Not even an hour later, it was all over the news. One of the viewers was the wife of Captain Shining Armor, Princess Cadence. Though reason told her that her husband was dead, just ashes floating in the breeze now, every fiber in her body told her otherwise.
And then she heard the knock on her door.
Initially, she thought it was her beloved, Shining Armor, returning to sweep her off her feet and wisk her away to the bedroom for a couple hours worth of snuggling. But upon opening the door, she didn’t find her Shining Armor. She found a solemn looking Pegasus dressed in traditional guard armor (the traditional armor is what they wear in the show; I think of it as a dress uniform).
“You may want to take a seat, Princess.” He said.
“He’s dead, isn’t he? My Shining Armor is dead?” Princess Cadence asked.
The Pegasus looked down at his hooves, as if looking for the right words to say. He looked back up at her after a little while. “I’m sorry.” He said, confirming Cadences worst fears. Unable to take it anymore, Cadence fell to her knees, weeping like never before. The Pegasus, though every part of his mind told him to give the Princess a giant bear hug, stood there, unable to do anything to comfort her because of the regulations surrounding his duty.
Those feels, man.
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
[Authors note - Have you guys seen the latest Old Spice commerical? You know, the "I believe in my smeelf" one? Apparently, my moms friend helped record it. Cool story, right? Anyways, the idea of a meetup on a chat was rather well received, so I will be scheduling one soon.]
It had been one week since the nuclear detonation at the Elements of Harmony Compound killed the majority of both First and Second Platoon of the Lunar Special Forces First Battalion, as well as Captain Shining Armor and the Guards that were manning the tanks and LAV's that participated in the operation. Since then, full scale civil war broke out, between those who were against the Anti-Spice, believed in the power of Old Spice Colts (or Mares) Scented Body Wash, or were loyal to Princess Luna, and those who were still loyal to the Anti-Spice.
To honor the sacrifices of those who perished on that day, every pony who died in the blast was awarded the Bronze Star Medal, for if it wasn't for them, the Elements of Harmony would still be in the Anti-Spice's possession.
To honor the extraordinary leadership abilities of Shining Armor, as well as his loyalty to his troops, Shining Armor was posthumously the Silver Star Medal, and was also promoted to the rank of Lieutenant Colonel.
It was early in the morning, as Shining Armor's friends, family, and compatriots, as well as Hitler for some reason or another, gathered in the Lunar National Military Cemetary to put Shining Armor to rest. While no body could be recovered, he certainly earned a funeral.
After everyone had been seated, a pony dressed in Honor Guard Ceremonial Armor (Like the typical Ceremonial Armor, just all black) started to play taps on the bugle , as several other members of the Honor Guard carried a coffin with an Equestrian flag draped over it. As they began to lower the coffin into its grave, Twilight Sparkle (who had been pretty much unresponsive to anything for the past week) broke down into tears. This was evidently very contagious, as tears started rolling down the cheeks of even the most battle hardened soldiers. Even Hitler (yeah, that Hitler) shed a few tears, as the coffin was lowered into its final resting place.
As those who were handling the coffin marched away, seven more Honor Guards marched up in formation, armed with M14 rifles loaded with blanks, and stood in front of those gathered.
"Present arms!" One of the Honor Guards proclaimed. As they raised their M14's, there was a sonic boom in the distance, and the cold morning temperature seemed to become as hot as the hottest summer day.
"Shit! Incoming!" Swiper shouted, as a white alicorn with flowing golden hair crashed through the funeral procession.
"It's Celestia!" Princess Luna shouted. Liam Neeson jumped up from his seat and grabbed an M14 that one of the Honor Guards dropped, pulling out the magazine of the rifle and sliding a new magazine containing live rounds into it.
"Get the Elements! I'll cover you!" Liam shouted at the others, loading a round into his M14's chamber.
"Come on, let's go!" Rainbow Dash shouted, as she and the rest of Main Six galloped away.
"Come on! Bring it you bitch!" Liam Neeson shouted at Celestia, shouldering his M14 and firing round after round at Celestia as he advanced towards her. Celestia turned towards him, blocking every round effortlessly with a powerful force field. As the rifle clicked empty, Liam tossed his M14 aside and pulled out his Colt 45.
"Die you fucking cunt! Just die!" Liam shouted, firing his into entire magazine at Celestia as he charged towards her. Celestia blocked every round with her force field, and picked Liam Neeson up with her telekinesis.
"Any last words?" Celestia asked, smirking at him.
"Yeah... fuck you... fuck you, you fucking curly cunt dick snot!" Liam Neeson shouted at her, spitting in her face and flipping her the middle finger.
"You'll pay for that!" Celestia practically spat, using her telekinesis to break his spinal cord. She smiled evilly and used his limp body wipe his spit off of her face.
Black Jesus suddenly feel to his knees and screamed out in pain, causing Princess Luna and the Main Six.
"Are you okay?!" Twilight Sparkle inquired.
"Keep going! Thou needs to get the Elements of Harmony immediately!" Princess Luna shouted at them, sending them running, before turning back to Black Jesus. "What is wrong, our beloved?"
Black Jesus regained his strength and looked up at Luna. "S-she killed Liam Neeson... and she's coming this way." Black Jesus said, before rising off the ground and kissing Luna passionately on the lips, "I need to face her. Alone. Tell the Element Bearers to hurry."
"But-" Luna began, before Black Jesus hushed her.
"No buts. I don't want to put you in any danger, my child. She's here for me." Black Jesus said, "Now get out of here."
Luna nodded, and hesitantly trotted away. Black Jesus stood up and walked through the cemetery.
It didn't take long for him to find Princess Celestia. You could see her from miles away. She looked exactly like how he looked when he went Super Saiyan.
"Anti-Spice!" Black Jesus called to Princess Celestia.
"Black Jesus!" Princess Celestia called back, gliding over to him and landing right in front of him.
"Let this be our final battle." Black Jesus stated, getting in a fighting stance while this song started to play in the background.
"Gladly." Celestia said, jumping back and aiming her horn at Black Jesus, firing a massive beam of energy at him. Black Jesus aimed his hands at the Princess, firing his own beam of energy back at her. The two beams collided and exploded mid air. Celestia then fired multiple small beams of energy, which Black Jesus blocked using his black magic. He turn fired a few more beams of energy at Celestia, who blocked each beam with a force field.
"Hmm... it would appear our magic skills are to evenly matched..." Celestia said
"I have a solution, devil." Black Jesus said, reaching into his robe and pulling out a strange metal rod. With a flick of his wrist, Black Jesus activated it, causing two energy blades to extend out of it. That's right bitches, Black Jesus has a Covenant energy sword.
"I like the way you think. It's a shame, really." Celestia said, pulling out an old Alicorn energy blade out of ass (literally) with her telekinesis and activated it.
"What is?" Black Jesus asked as he got in a combat stance.
"That someone as bright as you was born on the wrong side." Celestia said, charging at Black Jesus and swinging her energy blade at her. Black Jesus deftly blocked the swing with his energy sword, then kicked her right in the chin, sending her reeling. Celestia recovered and fired a giant beam of energy at him. Not expecting this, Black Jesus barely had any time to react. He only managed to block the brunt of the attack, but it still sent him flying and made him drop his energy sword. He leaned up and reached for his energy sword, but it was snatched away from him by Celestia.
"Hmm... did you know, Black Jesus, that the alicorn energy blades from back in the day are really reverse engineered energy swords?" Celestia asked, deactivating the energy sword and shoving its hilt up her ass. She moved in, holding her energy blade over her head, preparing to finish him off.
"Stop right there!" Someone shouted, causing Celestia to turn around. Behind her was the Element Bearers, as well as her sister, Princess Luna.
"Thou has kept our sister hostage long enough, you insolent beast!" Princess Luna practically spat, "And to top that off, we find you here about to kill our beloved. THAT IS NOT ALLOWED IN OUR KINGDOM! TWILIGHT SPARKLE, FINISH THAT BEAST OFF!"
"You don't have to tell me twice." Twilight stated, as she and her friends started to float in the air. "This is for my brother!" And with that, Twilight opened her purple glowing eyes, as a rainbow formed and shot across the sky, straight at Princess Celestia.
"What the hell?! No no no no NOOOOO! " Princess Celestia shouted in desperation as the rainbow hit her.
"Sister...?" Princess Celestia asked weakly, as she started to sit up. She opened her eyes, expecting to see her sister. But instead, she found herself surrounded by Equestrian soldiers, all of which were aiming their assault rifles right at her head.
"W-what's going on here?! Where's my sister?!" Princess Celestia demanded, fearing for her life.
"Relax, sister." A regal voice said from behind her. Celestia turned around to see her younger sister standing there, with Black Jesus beside her. "It's only a safety precaution. In case any trace of the Anti-Spice is left inside of thou."
"She's clean." Black Jesus stated, "stand down, my children."
"Well... you certainly look different now." Someone said. Celestia turned to see Twilight Sparkle standing beside her. "Do... do you remember me?"
Celestia smiled. "Of course. I was there the whole time, even if we couldn't do anything, my faithful student."
Twilight smiled and leaped into Celestia's forearms, wrapping her hooves around her and hugging her tightly. Celestia hugged her back, before realizing something Twilight had said.
"I look different?" Celestia asked.
"Yeah. Here, take a look." Twilight said, grabbing a mirror with her telekinesis and floating it in front of Celestia. Truly, she didn't make much different. However, her mane was a bright pink instead of the rainbow cloud thing it was before. She also seemed... a little smaller. Just a tiny bigger than her sister, to be exact.
"Thou looks just like thou looked like as a foal." Princess Luna pointed out teasingly.
"Have you been skipping your modern Equestrian classes? You sound like someone who is trying to force Elizabethan Equestrian out and fucking up something fierce." Princess Celestia teased back.
Princess Luna chuckled and blushes ever so slightly. "I choose to speak like that, you know? I'm like Trixie. I speak like that because I am a massive troll." She said.
One week later
"Well... it looks like we have a lot of work to do..." Princess Luna muttered, as she, Black Jesus, and Princess Celestia walked into their study, which was covered in mountains of paperwork.
"Nah. I'm just going to save us some time." Black Jesus stated, snapping his fingers, which caused a bright flash, causing everyone in the room to close their eyes. When they opened their eyes, all the work in the study was finished.
"How did you do that?" Princess Luna asked.
Black Jesus turned towards her and smiled smugly at her. "I used my black magic, honey."
"Alright, before you guys start making out or something, why don't we go out and do something?" Celestia suggested, giggling a little.
Princess Luna giggled as well. "I agree. Come on, let's go give Princess Lulu and 60's era Spiderman a visit."
As the three walked out of the room, Black Jesus looked back into the study. "It's going to be fun leading this nation." He said, turning off the light and closing the door behind him as he ran to catch up with the two sisters.
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
Chapter Three (MORE OLD SPICE EDITION)
Now with more OLD SPICE BODY WASH!
The Princess was in bed reading a copy of Playcolt. This was an issue the one she had been waiting months for. The Princess quickly flipped to the page that contained what she wanted. It was a full nude picture of her favorite model, Fleur de Lis. She looked over the picture with longing eyes, slowly running her hoof down under her blanket...
"Princess Celestia, there is a giant monster rampaging through Manehattan!" A Royal Guard called out as he ran into the her chambers.
"Haven't you ever heard of knocking?!" The alicorn demanded, pulling her hoof quickly out from under her covers. Both the guard and the Princess were blushing heavily.
"T-This situation requires your immediate attention, your majesty." The Guard stammered.
Princess Celestia rolled her eyes and rolled out of bed. "What type of monster? A dragon? A hydra? A giant, muscular reincarnation of Discord?"
"Huh? No, we handled Discord last week, remember?" The Guard pointed out.
"Oh yes. Thank you for reminding me. So what's the problem this time?" Celestia asked.
"It will be explained in the situation room. Let us get a move along, Princess." The Guard stated, much to the Princesses annoyance.
'He's still a rookie, he has yet to learn his place,' Celestia thought to herself.
"Dear Celestia..." Sweetie Belle muttered, looking down at Spike, who was still bleeding an unconscious. Beside her was her two friends, Scootaloo and Applebloom. All three of them looked down at Spike with worried gazes.
"Twilight beat im' worse than that time Applejack caught me playin doc wit Pipsqueak." Applebloom stated, rubbing her flank from the memories of the brutal lashings she has received from her sister.
"Ah told ya ta keep it in teh family!" She could remember Applejack yelling at her as she whipped her flank something fierce.
"We need to take him to the hospital." Scootaloo stated. "Look at that massive crack in his scales. That's not supposed to be there."
"That's is' butt, Scoots." Applebloom pointed out.
Scootaloo shook her head and pointed her hoof at his head. "That crack, Applebloom."
"Oh." Applebloom said simply.
"Come on, let's go get some help." Sweetie Belle said. Applebloom nodded and the two started walking out, however, Scootaloo stayed behind.
"Come on Scootaloo!" Applebloom called out to her, but Scootaloo shook her head.
"Maybe we can get our cutie marks by helping him." Scootaloo suggested.
The three shared a few glances, before jumping up and screaming "HOT NURSE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS YAY!" in unison.
"Pinkie?!" Twilight called out as she entered the Sugar Cube Corner. The lights, for some reason or another, were off. Twilight felt for around for a light switch. When the lights switched , she was met by a barrage of baked goods.
"Go away! No humans allowed!" Pinkie shouted, showering Twilight with cupcakes, cakes, and pies.
"Pinkie! Stop!" Twilight pleaded, using her magic to create a force field to protect her the incoming pastries.
"Twilight?!" Pinkie asked, surprised. Pinkie dropped the pie she was about to throw and walked up to Twilight, who was covered horn to hoof in various cakes, cupcakes, and pies. "How do I know that you are the real Twilight?"
"I like to read." Twilight said.
Pinkie facehoofed. "Well no buck." She said.
"I... I like to clop. Is that good enough?" Twilight inquired.
"Everypony likes to clop." Pinkie pointed out.
"Ugh... I had an affair with Princess Celestia, and you are the only pony I told..." Twilight said quietly.
"Hmm... and she could have told other ponies, you know-"
"Pinkie, it's me!" Twilight shouted, facehoofing.
"Twlight! It really is you!" Pinkie exclaimed, hugging her tightly. "I was afraid you were the Old Spice Guy using his black magic to disguise himself as you."
"Wait, you already know about the Old Spice Guy?" Twilight inquired.
"Uh huh. Haven't you seen the commercials?" Pinkie Pie asked.
"No... wait, what are commercials?!" Twilight demanded.
"Heck if I know. So, what do you need Twilight? Want some cupcakes?" Pinkie asked,
"No... well... maybe one," Twilight said, taking one of the cupcakes and stuffing it in her mouth. After chewing and swallowing it, she continued speaking, "but anyways, we need to gather the elements and stop the Old Spice Guy!",
"Because Apple Spice is better?" Pinkie asked.
"No, because... they're different from us." Twilight stated.
Pinie raised a brow. "Seriously? Did you just say that?" She asked.
"What?"
"Just... just go Twilight. You don't know how much that hurts."
"What?" Twilight repeated.
"I'm part Zebra, dumb buck!"
"Oh... you didn't steal any of my books, right?"
"Twilight... just get out." Pinkie said, pointing her hoof at the door. "I'll join you later."
Twilight nodded, wanting to get the buck out of there before Pinkie killed her as she galloped out the door, screaming bloody murder.
"Rare, why did Ah let ya convince me to accompany you to watch Swayback Mountain with ya?" Applejack asked her friend Rarity as they trotted out of the Cinema. "Ya'll weren't planin' to try anythin, were ya?"
"What? You know I don't partake in such uncouth activities." Rarity exclaimed, her eyes darting around suspiciously.
"Really? Ya'll wanna tell me why ya were running your hoof down my-"
"Hello ladies," Isaiah Mustafa greeted, interrupting Applejack, "may I introdu ce you to new mares scented Old Spice Body Wash. Look to the mare beside you, now look back at me. Behold," he exclaimed, holding out a bottle labelled "NEW! Mares Scented Old Spice Body Wash" to the two mares, "the body wash that will help you attract all the colts you-"
"My word! Applejack, he's bigger than Big Mac!" Rarity exclaimed, pointing at his crotch. Isaiah looked down to find that his towel had fallen, and he had exposed himself to these ponies in public.
"Sugarcube, ya'll sure he ain't a tripod?" Applejack inquired.
"That isn't a leg, trust me Applejack." Rarity assured her companion.
"Uh huh, and ya said that ya don't take part in those activities." Applejack stated sternly.
"Um... kind sir, I have noticed your clothing isn't exactly... efficient." Rarity pointed out, hoping to change the subject. "You're coming with me right now to get you changed into some proper clothing, and I won't take no for an answer!"
"But, Old Spicy Body Wash!" Isaiah protested. Rarity, however, didn't listen, as she pulled the hairless ape away, leading him towards her boutique.
"What in tarnation just happened?" A severely confused Applejack asked herself as she walked away in the direction of the Sugar Cube Corner.
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
[Note - The chapter isn't short because I'm getting deployed again, so do not worry.]
"Hey, Spiderman here with a special news bulletin," Spiderman began, sitting in a typical news station with a stack of papers in his hands, "I've been getting a lot of requests for fucks... so I'll say this again..."
"I will not give them on a boat." Spiderman said, as magically teleported to a boat.
"I will not give them in an oak." He said as he jumped out of the boat and climbed into a tree, sitting back casually on a sturdy branch.
"I will not give them here or there."
"I will not give them anywhere!" He shouted at the top of his lungs, before teleporting back to his news station.
"I do not give a fuck, you see, now go away, and let me be!" Spiderman snapped, before flipping the reader the bird.
"Hi, it's me, Rainbow Dash!" Rainbow Dash greeted, lying beside the fireplace with Big Mac beside her, "and this is Big Mac!"
"Eeyup." Big Mac confirmed.
"And Black Jesus has told us to tell you guys good news. Well... mostly me. The big guy doesn't talk much." Rainbow Dash stated.
"Eeyup."
"Between you and me, readers... he was touched as a small colt by his uncle..." Rainbow Dash whispered hoarsely (lawl, it's funny because she's a pony), snickering to Big Mac's dismay.
"And between ya'll and me, readers, Rainbow here sucked mah off in high school... in tha middle of class." Big Mac stated, smirking at Rainbow Dash, "And now she knows why the mares call mah Big Mac. Have ya'll ever seen an above average horse-"
"Enough!" Twilight shouted, trotting into the room, "I knew you two would buck up on the announcement!" Twilight facehoofed, before smiling at you, the reader. "Hi, I'm Twilight Sparkle, and I'm here to tell you all some very good news. With the founding of the Church of Old Spice, the author, Black Jesus, Bruce Campbell, and Steroids Man are all currently working together to write the first ever Old Spice Bible. Soon, portions of it will be released every other chapter. To get a hint of what's to come, visit your local church and join in on the worship. MarineMarksman will be reading from the Old Spice Bible, as well as cleansing all of their past sin, and sacrificing scootaloo's to appease Chuck Norris."
"Step aside, egghead, my time to shine." Rainbow Dash stated, forcibly pushing Twilight out of the way, "so yeah, we're throwing together a bible for you guys. Here's Chapter Twenty-One."
"This just in!" Spiderman exclaimed, still in the news station, "due to lack of funding, chapter Twenty-One has been cancelled. If you do not like it, here are your options: One... fuck you, I'm Spiderman!"
"See you Chapter Twenty-Two. Not like a give a fuck, though. I never will!" Spiderman snapped, flashing all you viewers at home the finger.
"Enjoy the joke chapter, people?" MarineMarksman asked, smirking at all of you, "I'm sure you did. Do not worry, Twenty-Two will be out soon. And it won't be a joke. Now, if you excuse me, I've got some bitches to fuck. Khaki fever and all."
Then, suddenly, Black Jesus walked in. "Oh, MarineMarksman, my brother! I see you fuck bitches... I too fuck bitches."
"Are you here to fuck bitches as well, Black Jesus?" MarineMarksman asked.
"Of course. I wish to fill them with my Old Spice, if you know what I mean." Black Jesus stated.
"Tag team?" MarineMarksman inquired.
"Hell yes!" Black Jesus exclaimed, before MarineMarksman and Black Jesus jumped up in the air and slapped each other a high five.
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
"HI BILLY MAYS HERE WITH A SPECIAL OFFER FOR ALL OF YOU!" Billy Mays proclaimed, standing in a random kitchen filled with tacos, doritos, coca-cola, and Old Spice. "FOR ONLY OVER 9000! PAYMENTS OF 69.99 DOLLARS, YOU CAN HAVE EARLY ACCESS TO THE PLANNED SEQUEL TO THE OLD SPICE GUYS INVADE EQUESTRIA!"
"THIS SEQUEL IS CALLED BLACK JESUS AND FRIENDS! IN IT, BLACK JESUS AND LUNA RULE OVER EQUESTRIA TOGETHER, WITH THE SUPPORT OF THEIR FRIENDS, INCLUDING YOURS TRULY! ORDER TODAY, AND WE WILL INCLUDE MARINEMARKSMAN'S OLD KABAR COMBAT KNIFE, THE KEY TO CANTERLOT, A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF OLD SPICE BODY WASH OF ALL VARIETIES, AND AN EXTREMELY RARE FUCK FROM 60'S ERA SPIDERMAN!"
"I said I had only one fuck!" 60's Era Spiderman shouted at Billy Mays as he swung in through an open window.
"ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME!? I'M MOTHER FUCKING BILLY MAYS! YOU WILL GIVE UP A FEW MORE FUCKS, OR BILLY MAYS WILL PERSONALLY KICK YOUR ASS! ENJOY CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE, READERS!" Billy Mays proclaimed, as he waved good-bye and 60's Era Spiderman flipped the readers and Billy Mays the bird.
"Sir, your brother has arrived." One of Luna's soldiers said to Black Jesus, who was busy typing away at his laptop.
Black Jesus finished the sentence he was typing and turned to the soldier. "Hmm... that was quick." Black Jesus commented. "Send him in, my son."
"Right away, my liege." The soldier replied, marching out of the room. Seconds later, a tall, white hairless ape with long flowing hair marched in. The hairless ape wore a uniform with a multicam pattern, and wore the patches of a member of the United States Armies Special Forces, or the Green Berets. On his head, he wore a dark green beret with a yellow/golden flash, marking him as a member of the First Special Forces Group. In his hands was a heavily customized assault rifle with a camouflage finish that matched his uniform.
"Might not want to carry that thing around so casually, Rambo. The ponies might get spooked." Black Jesus commented.
"But who could be scared of my HK416? You know, besides my enemies." Rambo Jesus, or Rambus (I have my reasons; Don't like it? Stop reading this fic) replied with a smug smirk.
"Perhaps creatures that are so peaceful, quite a few of them faint at the mere mention of a minor injury." Black Jesus stated.
"Pansies." Rambus stated.
"Thou shall be surprised." Princess Luna stated, as she walked into the room. "It is a pleasure to meet thou, Rambo Jesus."
Rambus leaned his HK up against the wall and shook Luna's hoof with the grip that would make the typical pony shriek in pain. But Luna gritted her teeth and allowed him to take her hoof. "The pleasure is all mine. I have heard quite a lot about you from my older brother."
"Oh? We are quite curious what he had to say. But another time, perhaps. We fear the Anti-Spice knows of our intentions and will be making moves to protect itself against the Elements of Harmony. We need to make a move immediately." Luna stated.
"I couldn't agree more." Rambus said. "I can get you the Elements, but I will need to assemble a team of the universes most elite warriors... I need to make some phone calls."
Somewhere in Texas
Swiper laid prone in the grass, cradling his Intervention sniper rifle in his paws and peering down its scope. After years of attempting to be a thief and being foiled over and over again by that little immigrant, Swiper the Fox decided to find a new purpose in life. So, he helped Steve Jobs fake his death for some spare cash (Steve Jobs is currently vacationing in the Bahamas, waiting for his chance to come back and claim to be God) and bought an armory of firearms. Now, after two years of being the most successful mercenary in the world, he would be able to finally exact his revenge.
A twisted smile spread across his snout as he spotted his targets paddling down a river in a yellow raft, likely teaching their little amigos back home how to cross the border as usual. He shifted his sniper ever so slightly and fired. The retarded monkeys head exploded as the round struck home, splattering blood all over his companion and their raft. Swipers sensitive ears barely managed to pick up on Dora saying "Swiper no sniping, Swiper no sniping". He honestly had no idea how she knew how it was him, and he wouldn't ever know. He fired off another round, smiling as he watched the round rip through her arm. He fired off one final round, which punctured the raft Dora was sitting in.
"Dumb bitch." Swiper the Sniper commented, as he watched the raft rapidly deflate, causing Dora the Explorer to sink under the water, where her watery grave awaited.
(Authors note - We, do writers of the fic, do not condone ruining peoples childhoods, but we do, however, find it hilarious.)
Suddenly, Swipers cell phone started to vibrate violently. He released his snipers handle and pulled his phone out of its pouch, picking it up and holding it up to his ear.
"Hello?" Swiper asked.
"Swiper? It's Rambo Jesus. I have a job for you. You in?" Rambus's voice inquired.
"Always." Swiper responded.
"Good. I want you to hurry up and get ready. Give me a call when you are ready to go." Rambus... you know what? Fuck it. Rambus is retarded. I'm going back to Rambo Jesus... Rambo Jesus said, shortly before hanging up.
Hollywood, California
Liam Neeson strolled through the extravagant streets of Hollywood, watching as people trembled at the sight of him. Liam Neeson was the definition of badass. He trained both the Batman and Obi Wan. He is a God to two religions (He is Zeus and Aslan), and the leader of the A Team. He also used to be a member of the CIA's Special Activities Division, and punched a FUCKING WOLF! As previously stated, he is the definition of badass.
Liam immediately held his phone up to his ear the second it started to ring and picked it up. "I don't know who this is, but I will find you, and kill you." Liam Neeson promised.
"You're damn right you don't know who this is." Rambo Jesus's voice responded, "I need your help Liam."
"What do you need, Rambo Jesus?" Liam Neeson asked.
"Me and my brother, Black Jesus, need your combat experience for something. Go home and get suited up, then give me a call when you are ready." Rambo Jesus said, before hanging up.
Somewhere in the land of Pokemon
Pikachu rolled to the right, barely managing the escape being hit by his opponents flamethrower attack. His opponent was a massive charizard, that towered of him, his trainer, and his opponents trainer.
"PIKACHU USE THUNDER!" Pikachus annoying trainer, Ash Ketchem, shouted. Pikachu wondered why he even bothered to tolerate that annoying ten year old throughout the years as he jumped up in the air and hit the charizard with a giant thunderbolt. Maybe it was because he has been a ten year old for over ten years, and Pikachu wanted to know the secret behind his trainers immortality.
Pikachu felt his tiny cell phone start to vibrate. He pulled it out of his nonexistent pocket and held it up to his cheek.
"Pika?" Pikachu inquired.
"Hey Pikachu. It's Rambo Jesus. Mind giving me a hand with something?" Rambo Jesus's voice asked.
"Pika pika!" Pikachu answered.
"Great! Give me a call when your ready. Be quick, Pikachu." Rambo Jesus stated, before hanging up. Pikachu put his cell phone away and pulled a micro uzi out of his nonexistent pocket, quickly mowing down the charizard, the charizard's trainer, and that annoying, immortal ten year old.
"...why...?" Ash croaked weakly, blood spilling out of his mouth and bullet wounds. Pikachu hopped over to him and fired a burst into his face, silencing his annoying trainer. Satisfied, Pikachu put away his micro uzi and hopped away from the scene as fast as possible.
Rambo Jesus was starting to dial in a new number, but the number he was going to call called him first.
"Nicholas Cage? Really? How did you know I was going to call you?" Rambo Jesus asked.
"I did some research, read some books, and solved a few puzzles, and predicted you would be calling me." Nicholas Cages voice stated.
"Ah... well anyways... me and my big brother need some help with something. I need you to pack up and give me a call when you are ready." Rambo Jesus said.
"Already one step ahead of you. Just waiting on you. See you in a few." Nicholas Cage stated, before hanging up on Rambo Jesus.
Rambo Jesus tossed his cell phone aside and smiled slightly. "That crazy cook..."
View Online
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
Chapter Thirty (Fucking 502 errors! edition)
"Hmm... let's go on to FiM Fiction dot net and write the latest story of my story, Old Spice Guys invade Equestria." MarineMarksman said, as he opened Google Chrome and opened up FimFiction.net.
"Why the fuck are you talking to yourself?" MarineMarksman's roommate, a First Sergeant named Chad, asked. He occasionally sits beside me and talks about random shit with me while I write this story.
"I don't know man." MarineMarksman stated.
"Are your experiences in Afghanistan starting to catch up with you?" Chad asked jokingly.
"Shut up Chaz. You of all people should know that you shouldn't joke about shit like that." MarineMarksman scolded, still waiting for FimFiction to load.
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Take a fucking joke." Chad stated. Chad can be really fucked up at times, for your information.
MarineMarksman and Chad sat there in absolute silence for about two minutes, waiting for the page to load. Finally, it loaded, but what was there shocked MarineMarksman to the core.
"What the fuck?!" MarineMarksman cursed as he noticed that the site was down. "FUCKING 502 ERRORS ARE BACK!"
And all the while, Chad sat back and laughed and laughed and laughed...
Dear Knighty,
Regarding your constant 502 errors; Fuck you.
Nah kidding, I fucking love you, bro.
Love, MarineMarksman.
As Celestia’s sun fell and Luna’s moon rose, the ten Huey’s rose over the hills surrounding the Harmony Compound and descended towards it.
“Yo Connor, wake up man!” Murphy shouted at his brother, barely audible over the sound of the helicopters blades and the music that was being blasted through the P.A. system (the song is Sympathy for the Devil by the Rolling Stones).
“Huh…?” Connor muttered as he sat up, before checking his watching. “Five hours… I was asleep five hours. I was dreaming about me drinking a chocolate shake… dafuq does that mean?”
“I don’t know man. I don’t know.” Murphy said, tossing his brother a pair of M9’s, which were equipped with laser sights, extended magazines, and suppressors. He then slid a pair of identical M9’s into the two holsters that were strapped to his waist and picked up a G36K.
“Lock and load mentlegen!” The pilot shouted from the cockpit.
“Get ready to disembark! Wait for the green light!” Rambo Jesus shouted.
Everyone grabbed their weapons and gear, then waited eagerly for the red light illuminating the cabin to turn green.
“Now!” Nicholas Cage shouted right as the light turned green.
“Impressive.” Liam Neeson commented.
“GO! GO! GO!” Rambo Jesus shouted as he opened the Huey’s side doors. The team scrambled out and the Huey lifted off, only have its tail rudder sheared off by an air-to-air missile. It lost control and flew around in disorientating circles as the pilot attempted to reclaim control of the aircraft, but it ultimately crashed on its side.
“Enemy fast mover!” Rambo Jesus shouted as an A-10 Thunderbolt II screeched overhead.
“Must be from the nearby Air Guard unit. Shame that there is some ponies still loyal to Celestia.” Nightwing’s voice stated over the radio.
“Shit! It’s coming back around!” Liam Neeson shouted, as the A-10 started to turn around.
“Take cover in the forest!” Rambo Jesus ordered, as they, plus the remainder of First Platoon, entered the forest between the Landing Zone and the Compound, desperate to escape the A-10’s strafing.
“How much farther to the hotel?” Bruce Campbell asked the driver.
“Not far. Maybe a couple of blocks. Not like that will matter in this traffic.” The driver responded, motioning to the various cars and carts that they were surrounded by.
“Shit, I don’t like this.” The soldier in the passenger seat stated, “we’re surrounded by buildings, we are trapped in this fucking traffic, and we have no air cover. It’s like we’re asking to be fucking ambush.”
Rarity gasped at the pure vulgarity of the soldiers statement. “What kind of gentlecolt uses such language in front of a mare?” Rarity inquired, shocked.
Before the soldier could apologize, the Humvee in front of their limo exploded into a large fireball, its flaming occupants rushing out of the humvee and rolling about on the ground in a desperate attempt to put out the flames.
“Shit! RPG on the rooftops!” The soldier in the passenger seat shouted.
“Out of the car! Go! Go! Go!” The driver shouted. Bruce Campbell kicked the door closest to him right of its hinges (which went flying into the car beside the limo) and jumped out of it, pulling Rarity out behind him. He looked up and spotted another rocket heading for the limo.
“RPG!” Bruce shouted, before pushing Rarity to the ground and shielding her with his body, right before the RPG hit the limo, causing an explosion so violent that it ripped the limo into two and killed the two soldiers who were inside the limo with Bruce Campbell and Rarity.
Rambo Jesus weaved in out of the dense forest carefully, followed closely by the rest of his team, plus a few members of the Lunar Special Forces that decided to form up with his team.
Suddenly, the silence that was currently occupying the air was interrupted by the crack of a .50 cal. One of the Lunar Special Forces operatives went limp and fell to the ground, missing part of his head.
“Pika!” Pikachu cursed in shock.
“On the ground now!” Rambo Jesus ordered. Everyone happily complied, dropping to the ground.
“Shit!” Connor MacManus cursed.
“Fuck! I didn’t sign up for this!” One of the Lunar Special Forces operatives howled.
“Get your fucking shit together, soldier!” Rambo Jesus shouted at him, causing him to turn from a sniveling little bitch and back into a special forces operative. “Swiper, take that fucker out.”
“You got it.” Swiper the Sniper responded, setting aside his M4 and unstrapping his Intervention sniper rifle from his back.
“We’ll lay down suppressing fire while you get in position.” Rambo Jesus said, hefting up his M240.
“Right.” Swiper responded, getting ready to run.
“Suppressing in three… two… one… SUPPRESSING FIRE!” Rambo Jesus shouted, rising from the ground and opened fire, firing wildly in all directions. The other followed his lead, as Swiper ducked and weaved through the dense underbrush. He dove into a random bush and deftly set his Intervention up on its bipod.
"I'm in position." Swiper whispers into his headsets mike.
"Got it. Take out that fucker." Rambo Jesus's voice responded. Swiper slipped the butt of his Intervention under his arm and peered down the scope. He adjusted the rifle ever so slightly and found the sniper rather easily. He zoomed in on the snipers head and imagined that the sniper was that god damned Mexican bitch who ruined his life and her saying "Swiper no swiping, Swiper no swiping" over and over again. He took a deep breath and pulled the trigger. The Intervention kicked back as the round rocketed out of the rifles barrel and passed right through the snipers head.
"Target down." Swiper said coolly.
"Good job, Swiper. Regroup with the rest of the team, post haste." Rambo Jesus ordered.
Old Spice Guys invade Equestria
"HI BILLY MAYS HERE WITH THE REST OF THE GANG TO THANK EVERYONE FOR READING!" Billy Mays chirped happily.
"We really appreciate your time." Luna stated.
"I honestly don't give a fuck about these people; Why am I here?" 60's era Spiderman asked, earning him a playful punch in the arm from Princess Lulu.
"Shut up Spiderman. Anyway, my children, I am so happy that you took the time to read through all this bullshit. My the power of Old Spice continue to bring you happiness."
"Because, I don't always use body wash, but when I do, I use Old Spice Mans Scented Body Wash." Interesting Man stated.
"The Most Interesting Man in the World? Where have you been?" MarineMarksman asked.
"I'm not always forgotten by the writer, but when I am, it's you who forgets about me." Interesting Man responded, glaring at him.
"Whatever, you're gonna be in the sequel anyways."
"And whats about us?" Toki asked.
"Yeah, you completely forgot about us!" Nathan Explosion exclaimed.
"The show was cancelled, my children." Black Jesus pointed out.
"And what about us?" Rarity asked.
"Yeah, first we're getting ambushed, and she's in a helicopter."
"Fucking plotholes..." MarineMarksman muttered, "next time, there won't be any."
"Good!" Everyone who showed up in the series shouted.
"So yeah, thank you all for reading, and I hope you all read the sequel , because if you... Billy is going to kill himself." MarineMarksman stated.
"Lol do it faggot." Spiderman urged.
