Celestia Can Bite My Flank.
Author's Note
This is what happens when I have a few hours of free time and can't seem to shake an idea.
If you can't guess what song is going to be parodied in this story simply by the description, I don't even know what to say to you.
Now, I have to get back to writing my other story instead of frittering away my time with silly one-shots and even sillier parodies.
I did have a lot of fun with the parody though, so I hope it's at least half as decent as I think it is.
I hope you enjoy, and as always, thank you for reading!
Celestia Can Bite My Flank.
Twilight Gets Lazy
Discord effortlessly slithered through Twilight’s window and into her bedroom; the voluntary absence of his arms and legs allowing him to slither much like a sneaky little snake.
“That’s because I am, a sneaky little snake, silly narrator.” He said softly, talking to seemingly nopony.
With a devious grin, he slithered up next to the peacefully sleeping form of Princess Twilight Sparkle; her wings folded up neatly against her back and gently ruffling as she shifted in her sleep; letting out a contented sigh as she galloped through dreams filled with books and scrolls and an extra-hot version of Starswirl The Bearded; Because he wasn't already sexy enough with the beard and everything, right?
“Let’s see what happens when Twilight Sparkle, becomes…LazeLight…uh…” Discord grew his eagle talon arm out and stroked his chin for a moment. “Oh, whatever, I'll have a funny name when I return later. Anyway, you all get the idea, I’m making her lazy for my own personal amusement. Don’t worry it isn’t permanent, just a bit of mirth for this particular little tale is all.”
With a soft chuckle, Discord gently tapped Twilight’s forehead with his eagle claw, a small “Ting!” ringing out as he did so.
Twilight stirred a bit, but remained otherwise unbothered and no worse for wear.
“Oh I bet she’ll sing some ridiculous song and everything, good thing I brought my camera!”
Discord gave Twilight a soft pat on the head, before turning back to the window.
“You all won’t be seeing me for a while, have fun now!” He winked and made a “click click” noise with his tongue, pointing his one claw at seemingly nothing before poofing out of the room, disappearing completely.
-Two Hours Later-
Twilight sighed happily as she awoke, the pleasant rays of Celestia’s sun warming her face as her eyes fluttered open. She smiled at the rays shining through her open window. Twilight wondered if she should be worried about her window being open; she was sure she closed it last night.
“Oh well…I’ll worry about it later…” She thought to herself, smiling happily and snuggling her cheek into her pillow. Gosh she had such a warm bed, so comfy and lovely. It was like somepony had made a bed out of pure marshmallows and then stuffed it with the softest clouds in all of Equestria.
Just as Twilight began to wonder how she had slept in so late; and also why she cared, the familiar voice of a certain baby dragon hit her ears, and he sounded in a bit of a panic.
“Twilight, Twilight, Twilight!” Spike called, his foot-claws pattering up the stairs as he made his way up and over to her.
“Twilight, you slept in! You need to get up; you’re late for your meeting with Fluttershy!” He called, scrambling up onto the bed and shaking Twilight gently.
Normally, Twilight would have already been gone. It was a Thursday after all, and Twilight often went to visit Fluttershy and see what she was up to on Thursdays; in addition, this meant Spike usually slept in till about 12:00 because he didn’t need to accompany Twilight.
So it was to be expected, that Spike was just a tad surprised to wake up at noon, and find Twilight Sparkle; the most punctual, always-obsessing-to-stay-on-schedule, freaks-out-if-she’s-five-minutes-late, mare he had ever known, still asleep in bed.
“Nhh…Spike, let me sleep, we can reschedule Fluttershy…” She moaned, burying her face into her pillow and flailing a limp hoof at the bothersome dragon.
Spike shook his head a bit before thoroughly cleaning out each ear with a claw; uncertain of what he had just heard. Had Twilight just said…”Reschedule”? Spike didn’t even know that word was in her vocabulary!
“T-twilight, did you just say you want to…reschedule?” He asked; uncertainty tainting his voice.
“Yes! Now go back to bed or something, I’ve decided we’re taking the day off!” Twilight replied; muffled by the pillow her face was buried in.
Spike’s jaw almost dropped.
“We’re…taking the day off?” He said; the sheer disbelief in his tone unmistakable.
Twilight let out a short huff of annoyance and sat up in the bed, ruffling her wings a bit as she gazed at Spike through half-closed eyes.
“Yes…I don’t feel like doing much today, we’re taking the day off.” She said with a yawn, scratching her side with a hoof before literally sliding out of bed.
“Twilight…?” Spike said slowly, pattering across the bed and looking down on the floor upon Twilight now lay. She was twisting this way and that like some dog trying to scratch its back, only she appeared to be stretching instead of scratching; or maybe it was both, Spike wasn’t sure.
“Oh Spike, you worry too much!” Twilight said in a tone that sounded almost like she was getting a high off of stretching on the floor. “You just need to…chill out, eat some chips or something like that!” She said with a smile.
Spike began to wonder if maybe he was dreaming, maybe he shouldn’t have eaten so many of those chocolate cookies he had found in the back of the pantry. Maybe they had been laced with some sort of hallucinogen and this was the horrifying and unbelievable result.
The tiniest shred of hope Spike had that this was all a dream, was instantly crushed as he pinched his arm and found nothing happening.
“Twilight, did you hit your head or something? Are you sure you’re ok?” He asked, the worry in his voice very obvious.
“Spiiiiiike, I’ve never felt so tranquil in my life!” Twilight declared, laying on her back and stretching out her limbs in a rather strange spread-eagle type position. “Mhhh, I feel like being very self-indulgent today, maybe I’ll eat that whole bag of cheesy-garlic potato chips or something…”
“Twilight, yesterday you said you couldn’t eat too many of those because the chips made you…er…gassy…”
Twilight let out a scoff that quickly turned into a full out cackle, the sight of the normally serene, calm, level-headed, and one of the most powerful ponies alive rolling on the floor in a fit of laughter was something very new to Spike, and he wasn’t exactly sure if he should call somepony.
“Gassy-schmassy, I want some chips.” She said with a fading giggle, pushing herself up of the floor and giving her wings a quick flap before folding them against her sides. She nodded at Spike with her normal smile, as if nothing was different at all; other than her mane of course, which was a mess.
Spike said nothing in response, by now he had figured that Twilight was either sick, or the real Twilight had been abducted by aliens in the night. Either way he thought it best to stick close to his purple companion as she trotted down the stairs and into the main room of the Library.
Twilight stopped at the bottom of the stairs and looked around her, letting out a sigh of happiness.
“I’m not reading a single one!” She declared before turning and trotting into the kitchen; Spike close behind.
“But, Twilight, what about your studies? You have to meet with Fluttershy, a-and you said yesterday that you needed to write the Princess Celestia about something you’d learned about that weird box-thing, and you-“
“Spike, Spike! Okay, okay, you’re right. I do need to write a letter to the Princess…” She said with a slightly annoyed sigh, turning and facing the little dragon with a slight look of…was that smugness?
Twilight pushed past Spike and trotted over to one of the couches situated against the staircase leading up to her bedroom, plopping down in it heavily before clearing her throat and adopting a slight look of regality and refinement.
“Spike, take a letter.”
Spike nodded and gave an affirmative hum, sighing inwardly with relief that Twilight had decided to do her work. He pulled out a piece of scroll-parchment and a quill, just as Twilight began speaking.
“Dear Princess Celestia. I have decided I am taking the day off, so you can take the problems of Equestria and shove ‘em somewhere nice ‘n’ warm until I want to take care of them, if you don't like it, then you can bite me. Love, Twilight Sparkle: The Freaking Princess of Ponyville.” She said, her tone never faltering or missing a beat.
“The Freaking Princess of…Ponyville…Got it!” Spike exclaimed happily, then his happy expression turning to one of wide-eyed shock. “Wait what!?”
Twilight let out a jubilant cackle and fell over on her side on the couch, her wings flapping slightly as she kicked her legs in her fit of laughter.
Spike only stared in utter disbelief as to what he had just heard; jaw agape and practically on the floor.
“O-oh, Spike, y-you should see the look on your face!” She managed to let out, before another fit of laughter came over her.
“Twilight…did you eat strange mushrooms or something?” Spike exclaimed, flailing his claws in the air in protest.
After managing to calm herself down a bit, Twilight slowly sat up and sighed happily, wiping tears from her eyes and looking over at Spike with a grin.
“Oh, Spike, you need to lighten up!”
“Lighten up? Twilight, you’re acting like a crazy-pony!” He cried in reply, grabbing at his head spines in exasperation.
“Spike, Spike, Spike…how can I get this through to you…”Twilight raised an eyebrow at the dragon, scratching her chin with a hoof as she did.
“Twilight, there isn’t anything to get-“
“OH! I know!” She exclaimed, cutting Spike off and using her magic to levitate a small guitar out of seemingly nowhere.
Twilight gave her wings a strong flap and shot up into the air for a moment, only to slowly float down onto the couch an instant later; now standing on her back legs and holding the guitar.
“Twilight…what are you-“
Spike yet again was cut off, as Twilight began…oh Celestia…
She was singing.
Today I don't feel like reading anything
I'm just gonna laze in this tree
Not gettin’ back to the Princess
So tell it to her em-i-nence
'Cause today I swear I'm not reading anything.
Uh!
I'm gonna kick my hooves up
Then burn all my plans
Turn down all the books, throw my hooves in the air
Nopony's gon’ tell me I can't!
I'll be binging on some snacks,
drinkin lots 'o milk 'n' honey
I know it ain’t the royal cake, but still it's pretty yummy
'Cause in Ponyville I'm the freaking mare
Oh, Spike I said it
I said it
I said it 'cause I can
Twilight gently floated up off the couch once more, gently floating in the air as she strummed and sang, Spike could only watch in disbelief.
Today I don't feel like reading anything
I'm just gonna laze in this tree
Not gettin’ back to the Princess
So tell it to her em-i-nence
'Cause today I swear I'm not reading anything
No work at all!
Woo, hoo, Woo, hoo, ooh, ooh-ooh
No work at all!
Woo, hoo, Woo, hoo, ooh, ooh-ooh
Twilight had floated back down to the couch by now, and was doing a weird little dance; or at least, what Twilight called a dance.
Maybe I'll hop up, visit Pinkie Pie next
Get a little bit of drink; maybe eat a bit of Chex
And I'm gonna scream out: 'Screw the Books!'
Yeah
I might mess around, and get the third degree
From Celestia I bet she'll be so mad at me.
But Tia, you can just bite my flank
Haha
Oh, Spike I said it
I said it
I said it 'cause I can
Slowly as ever, Twilight seated herself on the couch, and continued her little ditty.
Today I don't feel like reading anything
I'm just gonna laze in this tree
Not gettin’ back to the Princess
So tell it to her em-i-nence
'Cause today I swear I'm not reading anything
No, I ain't gonna brush my mane
'Cause I ain't doin' anything
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
I’ll neglect all my letters too,
And the test tubes will go boom!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh!
Today I don't feel like reading anything
I'm just gonna laze in this tree
Not getting’ back to the Princess
So tell it to her em-i-nence
'Cause today I swear I'm not reading anything
No work at all!
Woo, hoo, Woo, hoo, ooh, ooh-ooh
No work at all!
Woo, hoo, Woo, hoo, ooh, ooh-ooh
No work at all!
Twilight was now lying on her back on the couch as she strummed the guitar, her “Woo Hoo’s” slowly growing softer and softer.
Yet again, Spike simply sat there flabbergasted, his jaw slacked and arms limp against his side.
“Oh, Yes, yes, Bravo! Encore, Encore!” Came a new voice.
Both Spike and Twilight turned to find the voice belonged to none other than Discord, who was sitting atop the horse-head statue on one end of the library. He was holding what appeared to be a video camera with his tail and was clapping vigorously at Twilight’s little number.
“Discord?” Spike said, both surprised and at the same time unsurprised that the draconequiss was here in the Library.
“Oh, hey Discord!” Twilight said with a smile, waving at him from her spot on the couch as she sat up, as if it were no big deal.
“Hello, Twilight, how are you on this fine after of noons?” Discord poofed off the statue and over on the couch next to Twilight, slumping down on the couch next to her and draping his lion-arm over her shoulder in a casual manner.
“Oh, I’m fantastic, I’m about to go and eat an entire bag of chips that Spike says will make me gassy!” She exclaimed cheerfully as she levitated the guitar off to the side, not seeming to mind Discord at all.
And yet again, Spike was at a loss for words.
“Oh, chips! Wood, paint or poker?” He asked, snapping his fingers and materializing a bowl of each item in the air as he called it out.
“Ew, I'll take potato chips!” She said with a laugh.
“Oooh, I guess my chips probably would agree worse with you than the potato ones huh?” He asked, popping two poker chips into his mouth and munching on them happily. “Oh, I do like these poker chips, though they are a bit…rich.” He said, giving Twilight a raised eyebrow to see if she had gotten his horrible joke.
Indeed she did, and upon seeing Twilight laugh, Discord was spurred into his own fit of laughter.
Spike wondered how long it had been since anypony had seen an Alicorn and a Draconequiss be so mirthful and merry together.
“Discord, this is your doing, I know it!” Spike exclaimed, marching up to the tall Spirit of Chaos and glaring him in the eyes.
“Oh, Spike, why is it you automatically accuse me of these sorts of wrongdoings?” He replied with a toothy grin, popping another poker chip into his mouth. Discord was just about to say some witty one-liner, when there was a knock at the door.
“Great…” Spike thought. “Probably more trouble.”
Grumbling to himself all the while, Spike plodded over to the library door and opened the door; planning to give whoever it was a good "what-for"
“WHAT!” He shouted out, not realizing exactly who it was until he opened his eyes after shouting.
It was Fluttershy, and she looked like she had just about had a heart attack.
“Oh…hey Fluttershy.” Spike said sheepishly.
“Uh…I-I’m sorry, is this a bad time? I didn’t mean to upset you Spike, I was trying to be gentle when I knocked on the door, a-and-“
“No, No, you’re fine.” He said hurriedly, waving Fluttershy’s apologies away.
“W-well…is everything ok? You look pretty bothered…” She said softly, peeking over Spike’s shoulder to peer inside the house.
“Well…” Spike rolled his eyes and stepped to the side, allowing Fluttershy to see inside; her reaction to the scene and the library’s houseguests was not at first what Spike had expected.
“Discord!” She said excitedly, trotting past Spike and over towards Discord; seemingly not bothered as to his presence in the library and the fact he was eating poker chips.
“Oh, Fluttershy! Fancy seeing you here.” Discord replied nonchalantly, his eagle claw detaching from his arm and poofing over to Fluttershy, patting her head before returning to its previous place on his arm.
“Oh, Hey, Fluttershy!” Twilight exclaimed, lazily waving at her before tossing a hoof full of potato chips into her mouth; Discord had popped into the kitchen and nabbed them for her while Spike had been at the door.
“Hello Twilight!” Fluttershy replied, smiling sweetly at her friend before turning to Discord with a worried look on her face. “Discord, I thought you said you were going to volunteer at the Ponyville Senior Center? Did something happen, is everypony ok?”
Discord’s pupils dilated a bit, but quickly returned to their normal, not-so-normal state.
“Oh, uh, yes. I put on a disco party for them and folded bed sheets and all that, you know, the normal things.” He said hurriedly, popping two more poker chips into his mouth.
“Oh, well I think that’s wonderful, I’m glad that you’re finally starting to do your part around Ponyville! It seems like Twilight seems to think so too!” She said with a sweet smile, fluttering over to Discord and giving him a hug around the neck.
“That is such a lie, Fluttershy!” Spike cried; startling her a bit.
“W-what? Spike, what do you mean?” Fluttershy asked, her tone still maintaining its soft calmness while also carrying a hint of worry.
“He wasn't helping the elderly, he did something to Twilight! Look at her, she’s acting freaky!” Spike repeatedly thrust his claws in Twilight’s direction for emphasis.
The purple Alicorn waved at Fluttershy and giggled softly, flashing an innocent smile as she did.
“Me? Mess with little old Twilight? Spike, you wound my poor heart to even suggest I would do such a thing to such a wonderful and dear friend, such as Princess Twilight Sparkle!” Discord smiled almost deviously as he bent his head down to press his cheek against Twilight, hugging her to him; an action to which she didn’t seem to care much.
“Fluttershy, you’ve got to believe me!” Spike insisted. “He’s done something to Twilight! She was singing about not doing her work, and…and…” He trailed off as he thought of a way to convince Fluttershy to believe him.
“Wait! Fluttershy, here, read this!” Spike quickly grabbed the letter he had written earlier, and ran over to Fluttershy, holding it out for her as she floated down to the ground and read it over.
“O-oh my…” She said softly, her cheeks turning a bit red as she read the note.
“And after that, she sang an entire parody of a Bruno Mares song!”
“A parody?” Fluttershy replied in disbelief.
“And I don’t even like Bruno Mares!” He said.
“Now now, Spike, you shouldn’t go-“
“Discord…are you sure you don’t have something to say…?” Fluttershy said, cutting Discord off; a surprising feat, and giving him a rather stern look.
Discord stared back at Fluttershy blankly for a moment, before hooding his eyes a bit and leaning back on the couch.
“It’s possible a little tampering may have been done, but nothing major, I just-“
“BUUUUURP.”
Discord was yet again interrupted, however this time it was by an unnaturally loud belch, a belch that came straight from the mouth of Twilight Sparkle; who was eating chips like nothing had ever happened.
They all stared at Twilight with a look of surprise and shock; Even Discord looked a bit amazed.
“Discord, you undo whatever you did, and you do it right, this, second, mister!” Fluttershy said, sternly as she could; jabbing a hoof in Discord’s direction as she spoke.
“Ughh, blah, you’re all no fun!” He hissed, crossing his arms and looking rather pouty.
“Discord…” Fluttershy said again, more stern than before; coming from most other ponies it wouldn’t have been all that stern, but as far as Fluttershy went it was very, very stern.
“Ugh, fine. Too bad, I was beginning to like Twi-Lazy.” He said, rather beside himself as he tapped Twilight on the head with a “Ping!”
Twilight seemed to shudder slightly, her eyes widened and she slowly looked around the room; still holding a bag of potato chips and sitting up against Discord’s arm.
“Spike…?” She said, unsure as to why she was currently on her couch holding a bag of chips she very well remembered saying she shouldn't eat too many of.
Before Spike said anything, Twilight got sight of Fluttershy.
“Fluttershy, why are you here, I thought we were supposed to be having a-“
As Twilight spoke, she had been looking around her, and of course, around her also meant to her left side; where Discord was sitting and casually eating poker chips like it was nothing.
Twilight hadn’t been expecting this, and so the startled cry she let out as she tumbled off the couch was to be expected.
“Discord! What are you doing here?” She exclaimed, frantically looking around the room as she righted herself.
“Will somepony please tell me what the hay is going on here?”
“Well, Twilight, you see-“
“You be quiet!” Spike snapped; surprising Twilight more than she already was.
Discord hissed like a cat but remained silent otherwise, now looking like the very definition of pouting.
“Twilight, it’s twelve thirty in the afternoon, you writhed on the floor, you missed your meeting with Fluttershy, sang a song about not reading books all day, had me write a letter to The Princess that would have gotten us both in a huge mess, ate almost an entire bag of potato chips, and Discord is the one to blame for it!”
As Spike listed each transgression, Twilight’s look only got more and more horrified, her ears drooping and left eye twitching slightly.
“I-I writhed, and…sang a song, and…wrote a bad letter to The Princess…and…and…” Twilight trailed off a bit, the foundation of her mental state seeming to shake just slightly.
“That’s why I’m here Twilight, you never miss our meetings, so I was a bit worried when you didn’t show up. So I came to check on you…”
“And she found us having a wonderful party, Twilight.” Discord exclaimed, cutting Fluttershy off and floating up into the air, over in front of Twilight.
“Why don’t I remember any of this?” Twilight cried in distress, looking to Discord for the answer.
The draconequiss only shrugged. “Well, my magic does often have unexpected side effects, I’m the Spirit of Chaos, Twilight, would you expect anything else?”
“Discord…” She growled in response, gritting her teeth a bit.
“Oh! Lucky for you though, I took video of the whole thing, so you can see the party since you don’t remember it!” Discord gave Twilight the biggest and most innocent smile she had ever seen him give, and turned to video camera around so she could watch the video.
And when she saw it, she fainted.
-FIN-
