Chapters Thirty Drinks Drunk Dirt Cheap
"So, um, where are we going to find all this soda?” Fluttershy asked tentatively.
“Oh, uh, well I have a horde of diet pop stored in the industrial freezer in Twilight’s basement.”
“Twilight has an industrial freezer in her basement? How unusual.”
“Oh yeah,” Spike replied, “she stores cadavers in there for dissecting.”
“Oh, that’s um, nice?” Fluttershy said hesitantly.
The two continued to walk from Fluttershy’s cottage toward the Golden Oaks Library. Fluttershy couldn’t help but feel she was about to dirty herself, and while that made her feel bad, it also made her feel a little naughty thinking about it. She did her best to shove these conflicting feelings to the back of her mind.
Before she knew it, she and Spike had descended the stairs to the basement, and she soon found herself standing in front of a large sturdy door she didn’t remember being there.
“Spike, is this new?” she asked.
“Yeah, pretty new,” he answered. “Twilight had it installed about a month and a half ago with grant money she got from Trottingham University. She’s exhuming bodies from the Ponyville Happy Acres Cemetary to study the genetic history of the town but, well, you know, she’d kind of like to keep that on the DL, if you catch my drift.”
“Oh yes, of course Spike; I won’t tell a soul.”
"Pinkie Promise?"
Fluttershy smiled, relaxing a little. "Yeah, Pinkie Promise."
Spike twisted a metal wheel on the door, and with a grunt, pushed the sliding door to one side. A whoosh could be heard as the cool basement air rushed into the even cooler freezer. The dragon puffed a breath of fire into a hole in the basement wall, and several gas lamps lit up freezer’s vast interior. It had at least the footprint of the rest of the basement, but at the moment had nary but several hundred generic-brand diet soda pop bottles pilled haphazardly in a corner.
"Um Spike, won't these be frozen?" Fluttershy asked as she tepidly stepped into the freezer.
"Nope, I raised the temperature to thirty seven degrees. They're nice and chilled, that's all."
"Oh, well okay, let's um, bring some out to the desk." Two and three at a time, the duo carried bottles into the main basement room, onto the desk they had cleared of Twilight's crap. Soon they had thirty bottles assembled in front of them.
"So Flutters, you ready to do this?" Spike asked greedily.
"Yeah, I guess I'll try it." Fluttershy sat down on a cushion and popped the cap off the first diet cola with her wings. She lifted it to her muzzle and leaned back, taking a nice long, refreshing gulp of the bubbling liquid.
"Awwwww," the two said, one from the refreshing taste, one from feeling stirring in his loins.
Tens swallows later, the first bottle was discarded back onto the table.
"Okay, there you go Spike," Fluttershy chirped. Really if that made the little drake happy, that wasn't so bad was it?
"Awww, what? That's it?" Spike complained. "Why do you think we brought all these bottles out?"
"Oh, you want me to drink more?" she asked.
"Yeah. Pleeeease ?" He looked up at her from across the table/desk with big beady eyes.
"Welll, alright." She took the next bottle and popped the lid again with a satisfying hiss. Soon, it too was empty. She grabbed a third specimen and slurped it titillatingly.
"Oh yeah, that's it Fluttershy. Drink it! Drink that up. Ohhhh Gawddess, that's hot. Yessss"
Fluttershy continued to chug the soda. One bottle after another she downed with frightening speed. two, four, six, seventeen empty bottles of diet generic cola piled up beside her. Spike was staring at her in aroused amazement, jaw slack and his little Spike stiff. "Oh wow."
Amazingly, soon all thirty bottles of diet generic pop had been consumed. "Uuuuuugh, I don't feel so good." Fluttershy moaned.
Spike however, was close to the big moment. "Oh man, that was nice. Now burp Fluttershy! Give me a nice fat belch!"
"Oooof!" Fluttershy moaned as she tried to shift positions, "Ponies can't burp."
That killed his hard on. "Wait, what, they can't?" he asked, alarmed. "I thought..."
"Spike," Fluttershy groaned, "I'm a veterinarian. I know a thing or two about anatomy. Ponies can't burp ."
"Oh. Drats. That's a mood killer."
Or is it...
Team Fluttershy is Blasting Off Again!
Then Your Mom walked into town, and the ground began to shake with Your Mom's every step.
Some ponies hate their first name. Some ponies hate their last name. Your Mom hated both names. The important thing to remember is that ponies don't have to and in fact usually don't take on their parents' last name(s). Your's family had simply decided, one generation at a time, to keep the surname "Mom". Thus, the fact that Your's mother My decided to name her son "Your" was simply adding insult to injury, squeezing lemon juice into a cut, salting his wounds, or some other idiom of your (but not Your's) choice. Really, it could probably be chalked up to the fact that bad puns made Your’s mom wetter than Luna in heat for the first time in a millennium.
Your figured he could continue the cycle by naming his future son or daughter "Stacy's".
Around the same time Your took his first tentative steps into Ponyville, an earthquake began. No ordinary earthquake, it in fact lasted all night long. Many of the inhabitatants of Ponyville confused cause with causality with correlation, and assumed that Your was to blame. The next day, the residents of the town pointed angry hooves at Your, saying "You shook me all night long!" He didn't really care.
Fluttershy on the other hoof DID care about the shaking. All that soda in her stomach was getting awfully shaken up, and it was expanding. "Spike, I don't feel so good," said Fluttershy, rubbing her distended stomach tenderly. The shaking continued, if anything growing stronger. "Ugghhhh, Spike this was a horrible idea. I'd throw up, but it's almost impossible for horses to throw up. Whhhhyyyy did I agree to do this?" She winced, and spike could see the discomfort building up.
Spike looked around nervously at the books falling off shelves, lab equipment jiggling, and cracks appearing in the walls, biting his claws. "Uhhhh, heh. Ummm, have some antacids, I think that might help." He handed Fluttershy a packet of small wafers. "Go on, chew a few. They'll help."
Instead, she tore open the packaging and scarfed down the tablets, nearly choking in her enthusiasm to get relief. She swallowed and smiled weakly. "Hopefully that helps." Only after saying this did she bother to actually find out what she had consumed. She uncrinkled the wrapper and examined it: Strawberry Yogurt Mentos.
"Shit."
Mentos have millions of tiny cavities on their surface that act as catalyst sites for the release of carbon dioxide gas from the soda. Fortunately for Fluttershy, many flavors of Mentos cover this with a waxy outer layer. Strawberry yogurt is one such flavor.
Unfortunately for Fluttershy, her stomach acid ate through this layer in about fifteen seconds. As the soda greedily explored these millions of pores in the Mentos, microscopic bubbles began to form at an alarming rate. "Urff!" Her eyes grew wide as pain filled them with tears.
"Fluttershy! Fluttershy!? Are you alright?" Spike yelled. There was a low deep rumble, but it wasn't the continuing earthquake. Fluttershy's mouth was open, her jaw shaking helplessly, but nothing was coming out. "Are you choking? Fluttershy, say something! Spit it out!" He stared helplessly into her throat as she continued to gag. Suddenly, there was a sickening ripping sound as her esophageal sphincter muscles ripped apart, the metaphorical bursting of the dam holding back the floodwater.
Oh, she spat it out alright.
The last thing Spike remembered seeing was a menacing beam of acidic warm foam headed directly toward his face at several hundred furlongs per hour. The blast slammed into the dragon, sending him backwards and several feet into the solid concrete containment wall. His world went black.
Fluttershy on the other hoof rocketed up, backwards, and through the ceiling, leaving a fizzy trail in her wake.
Fluttershy flew through space for thousands of many years (not to be confused with many thousands of years), but because of time dilation, it only felt like about five seconds, which is a good thing because had she been in the vacuum of space for much longer, she probably would have been killed. Eventually, she entered the Earth's gravitational field and blazed through the atmosphere at several million miles a minute. Being a pegasus, she was naturally adapted to blazing through the atmosphere though, and as adrenaline kicked her to act on instinct, she spread open wide her flippity-flappers.
Luckily for her, Earth actually has a much stronger magic field than Equiis, magic being one of the few resources humans haven't figured out how to deplete. Inasmuch, Fluttershy's wings were able obtain a ridiculously high drag coefficient, and while miraculously withstanding thousands of G's for a few seconds, Fluttershy quickly decelerated into a gentle glide. Falling with grace a few miles above the earth's surface, she saw mostly nothing but water. She did however, in this great ocean of blue, spot some United States territories with a bad habit of abusing workers' rights, and coasted down onto the Northern Mariana Island of Saipan . It is interesting--though irrelevant--to note that the author's ex girlfriend grew up there.
Upon landing on Saipan, Fluttershy set about exploring the many natural formations the island possessed, such as Suicide Cliff . There, she found sitting at the precipice an ape-like creature, meditating on the futility of life. Suddenly feeling brave, she trotted up to him (it looked and smelled like a "he") and said "Saluton! Mia nomo estas Fluttershy. Kio estas via nomo?"
Unfortunately for Fluttershy, Equestrian sounds a lot like the Earth language Esperanto , which every snooty linguistics intellectual knows about but doesn't actually speak. Fortunately, this creature was hardly an intellectual, and so responded gleefully in perfect Equestrian, "Saluton Fluttershy. Estas plezuro renkonti vin. Mia nomo estas Radiger, kaj mi estas tute radikala! Mi estas malĝoja ke Cliff Burton mortis, kaj mi amos citi la roko bando Smash Buŝo . Kie estas vi el Fluttershy?"
Fluttershy explained that she was an alien who had had too much soda (she didn't go into the details of why) and had somehow burped her way across space, time, and common decency. They talked for hours, but then Ragider decided that he had to help his new friend find her way home, because she didn't belong on earth. He was a cool dude like that.
Author's Note
In case you didn't catch it, the Equestrian language sounds like Esperanto to human ears.
Radiger and Fluttershy did months of extensive research. On the side, Radi taught Fluttershy English. Eventually, they had a breakthrough.
"But, my last experience wasn't a very pleasant one. Do I have to burp my way back to Equestria?" Fluttershy asked nervously.
Radiger rolled his eyes. "Hey, come on Flutters. How bad could it be? It's not like you're walking on the sun or anything. I see no El on your forehead. You're totes cool. Too cool for Earth, in fact: you're causing another ice age. Let's get you out of here!"
Fluttershy put on her brave face. "Okay, Mister Radi. I'll trust your infallible wisdom. But where on Earth are we gonna find 1.21 gigaburps of soda?"
Radical Radiger smiled. "We head to one of the few places that would still be open at 1:10 a.m. on a weeknight. Excepting the In-N-Out drivethrough, which may be open until 2 a.m. It's time to head to Denny's!"
Inasmuch, spurred on my Radiger's suggestion, Fluttershy and Radi road their ant bikes to the Denny's seven blocks away. They got seated and ordered their meals. Radiger got a hay bacon sandwich. Fluttershy hopefully got home. They both ordered generic non-brand name soda.
"Radi, I have a problem! The service here is too slow! I'm not getting fast enough refills to build up the correct pressure in my stomach. You gotta help me!"
"Never fear Shy! I'll summon the power of friendship to solve this problem!" He then sent carrier pidgeons out to all 7,334 of his pen pals on Pigstorywords.cn . He sent a message asking for them to come to the Denny's on the corner of Avian Road and Johnston Avenue. Seven people and a piece of moldy nitroglycerin heeded the call and showed up. They were constantly asking for refills and sending their fresh sodas to Fluttershy.
The plan seemed to be working. Fluttershy was drinking several gallons of soda every minute, and her stomach was rapidly expanding to distended proportions. Soon she could hold no more. "Good bye Radiger! Thanks for being such a bodacious dude!" she called out. With this said, she opened her throat and a burp of epic proportions erupted out of her esophagus. It was so powerful that it caused storm surges several states away in Cleveland. Thanks to Newton's third law, the wall of burp propelled Fluttershy upwards. Fortunately they had had the foresight to sit in the outdoor patio area so that Fluttershy would not tear a hole in the roof. Faster and faster, she accelerated as the burp rocketed out of her mouth. 200, 300, 400, 500 miles per hour, Fluttershy rose into the sky, propelled by her humongous burp! Soon, she was but a speck in the sky, with naught but a trail of burning atmosphere in her wake. Moments later, she was gone.
Radiger shed seven tears.
Due to the effects of time dilation, Fluttershy came back to an Equestria where everypony she knew and loved was dead, save for Princesses Celestia and Luna. Eons ago, Queen Twilight Sparkle had left for the stars to seed new life upon barren planets, much as Celestia, Luna, and their fellow alicorn comrades had done themselves so many years ago. At one point on her interstellar journey, Twilight's spaceship fell into a wormhole, sending it across the universe and backwards in time billions of years. Unfortunately, this killed the rest of her crew. Dazed and saddened, she founded a barren planet in the Milky Way galaxy and began to craft her legacy.
Meanwhile, back in the future, The senile royal sisters looked up from their game of "Go Pleurodon". They didn't even recognize Fluttershy at first, their minds long ago reduced to barren wastelands by the ravages of time. "Kiu diable vi kaj kiun lingvon vi parolas?" Celestia asked the stranger interupting their card game.
Fluttershy was shocked and overjoyed to hear native Equestrian language again. She quickly replied: "Saluton. Mia nomo estas Fluttershy, kaj cxu mi iam havas historion por rakonti!"
She had picked up a bit of an accent during her time on earth, but the princesses could still understand her easily. They listened patiently as Fluttershy explained who she was (former element bearer) and what she wanted (to go back home to her time). A sparkle, and perhaps a salty sheen appeared in Celestia's wizened eyes. "Ha jes, mi memoras vin, mia malnova amiko. Speco Fluttershy, ĝi estas tiel bona vidi vin denove. Sed ve, tiu ne estas via tempo. Diru al la aliaj mi amos kaj perdi ilin elkore. Adiaŭ."
Celestia and Luna touched the tips of their horns together and cast a temporal spell upon Fluttershy, launching her back to her own time. Fluttershy was so shocked by the casting that she left skid marks on the floor. But soon enough she was home.
"Twilight, you won't believe who I met. He was the most amazing creature. Let me tell you all about his planet and culture..."
The End
Spike, I'm worried about you.
Author's Note
Chapters where only Equestrian is spoken have had their dialogue translated into English.
Spike, I'm worried about you.
"Um, Spike, you're a baby dragon. Even when mired in rampant greediness, I can't imagine dragons reaching sexual maturity for several decades. Are you sure you understand how arousal actually works?"
"What? Yeah, come on Fluttershy, of course I do! It's when your uh"--he blushed while deciding upon an appropriate term-- "tinkler gets all hard and tingly and you just wanna--"
"Oh my! Okay Spike, I see you are familiar with masturbation. Um... how did you learn all this... that is, if you don't um, mind?"
"Well, one day I asked Twilight about these strange urges I was getting, and she told me alllll about these things. She even included diagrams!"
"Oh my!" Fluttershy repeated, blushing furiously at the thought of Twilight clinically describing the birds and the bees to her younger brother/son/friend/servant thing.
"So yeah, that's my story," said Spike. "So can you uhhhhh, you know, do the thing we talked about?"
If Fluttershy was blushing before, she was straight up really blushing now. "I... do I have to? Aren't you, um, a bit young for this... fetish?"
"Awww come on Fluttershy," Spike pleaded. "Do it for a friend. Pleeeaaase ?"
"Well, I guess if it makes you happy..."
