The Adventures of Schadenfreude

Chapters

Yes, You Read That Correctly
What did you just say about me, you little foal?!
Interlude: THE LIST
It BEGINS.
Oh My Goddess, He’s Here to Stay.
Foul! Dis-neighbourly conduct!
Employees Only
The Writing on the Wall (of Shame)
Schadenfreude’s Punday Afternoon
Shadenhuman
Welcome to Ponyville (Part 1)
Welcome to Ponyville (Part 2)
Welcome to Ponyville (Part 3)
Schadencord (Technically Part 2 but Also Technically Eat Me)
Welcome to Ponyville (Part 4)
Welcome to Ponyville (Part 5)
Welcome to Ponyville (Part 6)
Schaden the Great and Annoying
Schaden the Great and Annoying (Part 2)
No Good Very Bad Morning
Date Night (Part 1)
Date Night (Part 2)
Castle-Insania
The One Without Schadenfreude In It

Yes, You Read That Correctly

Chapter 1: Yes, You Read That Correctly

Many heroes of our time have tragic origin stories. Batmare lost her parents. Supermare’s planet blew up. Daring Do... maybe had a bad sexual experience in college. I don’t know.

But my story is much darker. More vicious. Brutal. Rife with uncertainty and corruption in a city many idolize as a beacon of hope across an entire country.

For I am... The Butler.

That day, that fateful, regrettable day, started off just a little different than any other. For one, I woke up in my own bed.

Not that I have a habit of waking up in other pony’s beds. More like I have a tendency to spend the night in jail. Just the night, mind you. Petty offenses. Them coppas got nuthin’ on me, yo.

...shit, where was I?

Oh yeah. Waking up in bed. So that happened. I woke up, and went about my day. Back then I worked in Customer Service, answering phones for people making complaints to the city’s taxi service. Mainly that they didn’t understand why the hell we needed one when we could literally walk ourselves. I usually ask them, “Yeah, but why would you?”

They hang up shortly after. I don’t get many complaints.

But anyway, I was getting ready for work, having just woken up. The sun hadn’t risen quite yet, but it was a little bit light out, with stormclouds very far on the horizon. Which usually meant it was going to rain this afternoon. I stuffed an umbrella into my saddle bag as I packed my things for the day.

Breakfast was a pretty basic meal. Just cereal. I like eating really crunchy cereals. Especially around other ponies. Watching them flinch with each unnecessary crunch fills me with a kind of sadistic glee.

Perhaps I should introduce myself. My name is Schadenfreude.

Now, you’re probably wondering how the hell a pony gets a name like... shit. This was supposed to be a hero origin story, wasn’t it. I probably shouldn’t use my name.

Dammit.

Anyway, weird name, how get? Well, my father was an asshole. And my hero. His name was Pffft Whatever, as his parents names him when they were stoned. While he was being born.

This seems to be a family tradition. Not the stoned thing, but naming the children on my father’s side of the family after the circumstances of our birth. I have a great-something grandfather names You Did This To Me. He was a psychologist.

But anyway, back on track. My father named me that because my mother, Rose Glass, gave him the right to name me. Approximately two days before she went into labor, during which he was reading porno magazines in the waiting room and smoking a cigar.

They were going through a rather rough spot in their marriage when I was being born. They divorced soon after and my father kept me. He taught me everything he knew, before he died. Lung cancer.

He didn’t care. I believe his last words, when they told him the operation on his lungs had a chance of killing him, were, “Cool. Can I get my free pudding now, then?”

He was an inspiration. I loved my dad.

Which is why I carry my name with pride. As it turns out, though, my father was somewhat of a prophet. Some ponies get names for what their parents hope their talents will be. Others get named something generic and pretty and told to “explore” the world.

My dad was a Celestia-damned psychic.

My special talent, specifically, is finding all of the little nuances and pet peeves that really set people off, just enough, and hitting almost all of them. And then thoroughly enjoying the outcome.

I spend most of my time in jail simply because the guard was pissed off. I don’t exactly have a rap sheet. More like a legal document titled “Things Schadenfreude is NOT Allowed to do in Canterlot.”

But yeah, I was having cereal for breakfast.

What? Keep the narrative simple? Pfft, please. Casual.

Right. Breakfast. Crunchy cereals. Well, that lasted about as long as it took for me to remind you I was eating cereal again. So I got up and washed my dishes, and put them away and stuff. I smiled to myself as the cupboard door didn’t exactly close all the way. A little something I do to irritate guests when they come over. Mostly family, some friends. There’s a little board nailed in the back of the cupboard that isn’t quite wide enough to stack dishes on, but just wide enough to push everything far enough forward that the door doesn’t close properly.

My mother hates it.

So, with my dishes and breakfast done, and my bag packed, I headed off to work.

Getting to work was rather uneventful. The trip from my house to the small office where I take calls is only a couple of blocks. There’s a magazine stand between here and there, and I always leave for work really early. I take morning shifts, because I like having my afternoons to myself. This also gives me the benefit of passing most businesses before they open.

Like the magazine stand owner. He wouldn’t be in for another half an hour. I make sure to leave home a little early just so I can stop by before he gets there. Just so I can tilt a bunch of random magazines in their displays, and hide his morning delivery of newspapers. Not obscurely. Just out of sight enough that he spends more time looking for them than he should.

He hates the paperboy.

So, after doing that, I walk into the office building. The first thing I notice is Princess Celestia, because come on. She’s really big. Not like, fat. Just tall. And she’s talking to my boss. Who sees me walk in, and smiles. He’s never done that before.

“Schadenfreude, good to see you! Listen, I’d like to introduce you to Princess Celestia.” He says all this with a stupidly large grin on his face. That shit-eating grin that you just know he’s got something planned.

The Princess walks up to me, and nods, saying, “Hello, Schadenfreude.”

“Hey Sunbutt.”

Father Whatever’s Lesson #1: Give no shits.

Author's Note

You people wouldn't leave me alone about this, so here you go. Will update as I bloody feel like it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm as excited as you are.

What did you just say about me, you little foal?!

Chapter 2: What did you just say about me, you little foal?!

Have you ever seen your boss have an aneurism? No? Call the leader of the free world “Sunbutt” in front of him. Go on. I’ll wait.

So I’m standing there talking to Princess Celestia, who yes, I have met before, when my boss interrupts. Rather rude of him, I might add. “Are you out of your mind?! This is Princess Celestia! You should at least show her some respect!”

Rolling my eyes, I nodded. “Yeah, yeah. Hello, Princess Sunbutt.”

While my boss fumed, and readied another verbal response, Princess Celestia stepped in front of him and gestured for him to relax. “I see you haven’t changed since we last met, Freude,” she said dryly, with just a hint of humor in her voice.

I shrugged and smiled over her shoulder at what I suspected was my soon-to-be EX-employer. “Of course not. It’s on the list, remember?”

The Princess smiled. “Ah yes. Number seventy-five: Schadenfreude is not permitted to feign, fake, imitate, or otherwise portray any change in his personality, as it scares the locals. Well, legal obligations aside, I am here to deliver some good news: you’re fired.”

My boss’s reaction was immediate: he jumped about ten feet in the air, and cheered loudly. He then proceeded to dance about the room.

I sat back on my haunches and whistled in appreciation. “Wow. I’ve made such an ass out of my self the leader of Equestria has to fire me in person? Balls on toast that’s impressive.”

I saw the corner of her eye twitch, and she coughed into her hoof. She then gave another, more meaningful cough, and one of the guards standing on either side of the room (whom I had pointedly ignored up to now), stepped forward and took out a pen and a pad of paper. “Number one hundred and thirty-nine: Schadenfreude is not permitted to use the phrase ‘balls on toast’ in the presence of any of the Princesses.”

“Oh, come on!” I protested.

She shooed the guard away with a hoof, and returned her attention to me. “There’s another reason I have come to talk to you, Schadenfreude. Aside from firing you, and adding to the list, I have something of import to ask you.”

I spared a glance to my still-celebrating ex-boss, and returned my attention to Celestia with a deadpan stare. “And what, exactly, is that?”

“I’d like to offer you a job.”

The effect was immediate. My ex-employer all but fell out of the sky mid-skip, and crashed into a trash can. I felt warm and fuzzy all over. He then scampered his trash-laden ass over to where we were standing. “Wh-wh-what?! Princess, you can’t be serious!”

Now, while many of you may understand my un-boss’s protests, there is slightly more to it than just him wishing me to be unhappy: to be offered a job by the Princess is to be offered a job in the Castle. Which means room, board, and amenities are all basically paid for. On top of a rather decent salary. The maids, butlers, cooks, and cleaners of the castle will do basically anything you tell them to. The pay is that good.

Needless to say such an opportunity was very distressing to somepony that took glee in watching me get shit-canned by a Princess.

Said Princess turned to my old boss, and raised an eyebrow. “Surely you did not think that I came all the way out here just to fire him for you and make a small business transaction? Any one of my guards could do the same. No, I have a very special position at the castle in mind for him,” she said, returning her attention to me. “Schadenfreude, I believe I may have finally found a job that makes full use of your special talents.”

It was my turn to be confused. “How the Tartarus did you do that?!”

She responded with a smile. A slow, creepy smile. The kind of grin Discord would get if anyone were to ever introduce him to silly putty.

...number ninety six, just so you know.

Her grin stayed for a second, like she was savoring the moment. Then she said, rather calmly, “I believe you remember my nephew, Blueblood?”

My face had never hurt from smiling before.

Interlude: THE LIST

Captain Shining Armor looked about the room at the faces of the new recruits. Of course, given the state of affairs, there were some older officers and enlisted in the ranks, as well. This training was rather important. He gazed about the classroom, at the thirty or so guards seated at desks, a thin vanilla envelope in front of them, containing only a few sheets of paper.

“Gentlemen, you are here because it does not reflect in your record that you have had this training before. While this is normally not a mandatory course, a recent change in stafing has created the need to make such lessons mandatory,” he explained, looking at all of the confused faces.

They would learn, soon enough. “Gentlecolts, Fillies, please open your files. I shall be reading the document aloud to you. Please follow along. There will be a test after.”

Shining sat himself down at a larger desk in front of the room, and opened his own copy of the file. He began to read:

“[This document is a legally notarized copy of File #D4M-M17 Freude. It is meant for training, educational, and informational purposes only. See #62.]

[THINGS SCHADENFREUDE IS NOT ALLOWED TO DO IN CANTERLOT]

1: Not allowed to make faces at guards to see if they respond while on post.

2: Not allowed to commit petty offenses for the same reason.

3: Not allowed to make any attempts whatsoever to provoke a response of any kind from any guard. On or off duty.

4: Not allowed to bribe others to do the same.

5: Not allowed to coerce others IN ANY FASHION to do the same.

6: Not allowed to tamper, tinker, manipulate, or otherwise physically alter any public water system for the express purpose of making ponies “Find that damned dripping noise.”

7: Silly putty is not a suitable substitute for caulking glue.

8: Neither is week-old chili.

9: There is NO SUITABLE SUBSTITUTE for caulking glue.

10: There is also no suitable substitute for a parachute.

11: Not allowed to volunteer at the public library.

12: Not allowed in the public library for more than ten minutes.

13: Not allowed in the public library at all.

14: Not allowed in the museum, for similar reasons.

15: Not allowed to challenge anypony to a race to the end of the city, promising money, then turning around and leaving.

16: Not allowed to promise money to any number of ponies if they win a race, then turn around and leave.

17: Not allowed to instigate races of any kind.

18: Not allowed to participate in races of any kind.

19: Dickery is not a professional sport.

20: It is not an amateur sport, either.

21: Schadenfreude is not the last of a dying breed.

22: Nor is he a disabled pegasus.

23: Or unicorn.

24: Schadenfreude is not a disabled anything.

25: Being an asshole is not a disability.

~~26: It is also not a special talent.~~

27: Schadenfreude’s ONLY special talent is being an asshole.

28: Not allowed to pretend to enlist in the Royal Guard.

29: Not allowed to enlist in the Royal Guard.

30: Not allowed to wear the uniform for any reason.

31: Schadenfreude did not “Lose his wings in the war.”

32: Or his horn.

~~33: There is no such thing as a “penile emergency”~~

34: Not allowed to fake a “penile emergency.”

Many ponies flinched at this statement, as Shining’s emphasis on the phrase indicated that there was, in fact, such thing as a ‘penile emergency.’

Shining himself straightened up slightly from his own discomforted shudder, and continued reading:

“35: Not allowed to make use of the Fair Treatment Act clause that dictates that any medical professional approached with a patient claiming serious illness or injury is required to provide treatment regardless of the presence of any actual medical emergency, except with visible evidence to support the claim.

36: Not allowed to use a proxy of any kind to subvert any rule on this list.

37: Not allowed to submit legal applications to change local city ordinance.

38: Or national law.

39: Not allowed to attempt any legal action to change any laws of any kind.

40: Not allowed to attempt ANY action to change any law of any kind.

41: Not allowed near the courthouse.

42: Or the Hall of Records.

43: Or the post office without a guard escort.

44: Not allowed near any government building without a guard escort.

45: Ponies dressed as guards to not qualify as an escort.

46: Not allowed to ask the staff of the griffin embassy if birds can have fleas.

47: Not allowed to ask the staff of the griffin embassy anything.

48: Is to stay the Tartarus away from the griffin embassy.

49: Is to stay away from the griffin ambassadors.

50: Not allowed to ask the Night Guard if their female staff members are “Ladies of the Night,” nor make implications to that effect.

51: This includes asking female Night Guards what their rates are.

52: Is to stay the Tartarus away from the Night Guard.

53: Except in emergency situations.

54: Not allowed to demand apologies from members of either Guard in the form of song-and-dance numbers.

55: Does not get to dictate or make suggestions as to what form his official apology may come in.

56: Not allowed to make naming suggestions to expectant parents.

57: Not allowed to make naming suggestions to parents who have yet to name their foals.

58: Not allowed to make naming suggestions. Period.

59: Not allowed to submit applications to legally change his name.

60: Not allowed to submit applications to legally addend his name.

61: Not allowed to introduce himself as “Master Debater.”

62: Not allowed to introduce himself as “Long John” anything.

63: Not allowed to introduce himself as anything other than Schadenfreude.

64: Not allowed to hire taxi drivers to take him “Just over the rainbow.”

65: Or to Neverland.

66: Not allowed to hire a taxi driver to any place he cannot point out on a map.

67: Of the city.

68: That he did not draw on.

69: That he did not DRAW.

70: Not allowed to hire taxis.

71: Not allowed on public transportation.

72: Not allowed to imitate public transportation.

73: Not allowed to imitate a public official.

74: Not allowed to pretend to hold any paying job that he does not.

75: Not allowed to feign, fake, imitate, or otherwise portray any change in his personality, as it scares the locals.

76: Not allowed to rent out spaces that are unowned by other ponies under the pretext of “Finders, keepers.”

77: May not present any argument in legal proceedings beginning with the phrase “Well, nopony else was using it at the time...”

78: May not end any argument in legal proceedings with the phrase “...and then they had sex, the end.”

79: Not allowed to represent himself in court.

80: May not make any changes to the furniture, fixtures, decorations, or other physical materials of any house he does not own.

~~81: May not make any of the above changes to any house he DOES own.~~

82: The same applies to vehicles of any kind.

83: Unless it is expressly written in his job description.

84: Not allowed to write his own job descriptions under ANY circumstances.

85: May not be self-employed.

86: May not approach non-business owners and/or managerial staff asking for a job.

87: May not approach non-business owners and/or managerial staff demanding a job.

~~88: Is not the second coming of King Nebulous.~~ Yes he is.

89: NOT ALLOWED TO EDIT THIS LIST.

90: Is not related to the Royal Family in any way.

91: Not allowed near the royal family unless they approach him first.

92: Is not the second coming of King Nebulous.

93: Is not the reincarnation of Starswirl the Bearded.

94: Is not the reincarnation of anypony.

95: Is not allowed near the Obscure History section of any library.

96: May not introduce Discord to Play-Dough.

97: May not introduce Discord to Silly Putty.

98: May not interact with Discord without Royal or Guard supervision.

99: May not interact with the Elements of Harmony without Royal or Guard supervision.

100: May not interact with Twilight Sparkle without ADDITIONAL Royal or Guard supervision.

101: Or Spike.

102: May not hand out fake copies of this list to new guards.

103: May not hand out fake copies of this list to old guards.

104: May not hand out fake copies of this list.

105: May not produce fake copies of this list and leave them lying around.

106: Not allowed near Prince Blueblood.

107: Not allowed to respond to questioning by a Royal Guard with the phrase “And then?”

108: Or in a fake accent.

109: Not allowed to make any claims pertaining to the “fakeness” of his current accent.

110: Is not to be questioned by Royal Guards without an officer who has questioned him previously present.

111: Is not to be arrested, detained, or otherwise processed through the Criminal Justice system by any guard, officer, or other authority with anything less than ~~one~~ two years’ experience.

112: Not allowed to volunteer for any government project.

113: Is ineligible for jury duty.

114: Is ineligible for mandated government work of any kind unless specifically approached by a Princess.

115: Said Princess must ask for him by name.

116: Not allowed to answer to any name other than his own.

117: Is not allowed near the castle without the authorization of a member of the Royal family.

118: And a guard escort.

119: Royal authorization must be signed and sealed.

119b: BY A PRINCESS.

120: Schadenfreude is not a princess.

121: Even if he really, really believes in his heart.

122: Schadenfreude does not have a heart.

123: Not allowed to perform surgery on himself to prove otherwise.

124: Not allowed to sing in public.

125: Even if everyone else is singing.

126: Schadenfreude is not The Lord of the Dance.

127: May not attempt to pass off confectionery as prescription drugs.

128: May not attempt to pass off confectionery as illicit drugs.

129: May not attempt to pass of confectionery as any kind of drug.

130: Not allowed near prescription drugs of any kind without a doctor’s note.

131: And a doctor present.

132: The doctor must administer the drugs.

133: Not allowed to order any kind of alcohol in any establishment that sells it.

134: May not have others buy him alcohol.

135: May not buy others alcohol.

136: Not allowed to order any kind of alcohol in any establishment that doesn’t sell it.

137: Not allowed near anything with an engine without the presence of someone authorized to operate it.

138: Not allowed near anything with an engine.

139: Not allowed to use the phrase ‘balls on toast’ in the presence of any of the Princesses.”

At this point many of the guards, officers and enlisted alike, looked about themselves, extremely confused.

Then, one rather brave guard in the back of the room raised his hoof. “Um, sir?”

“Yes, Private Ironguard?” Shining addressed the new recruit.

“Why is this training mandatory now?” Ironguard asked hesitantly.

Shining looked pensive for a moment. Then, he stood up, and walked to the front of his desk. “That is a very good question. Fillies and gentlecolts, we are having this training session for one reason.

Schadenfreude is coming to work at the castle.”

I walked past one room marked “Training” as Princess Celestia led me down the halls of the castle. As I did so, a loud, concerted protest rang out.

I smiled to myself and kept on walking. Something told me I’d hear about it later, and laugh.

It BEGINS.

Chapter 3: It BEGINS.

It’s usually customary for new employees of the castle to get a tour of some kind of the facilities. For me? Well, I knew the castle well enough. I’d run around it plenty of times as a teenager. My parents may not have worked in the castle, but they had plenty of reason to be there. Or so they told everypony else. I didn’t care. I was having too much fun. But it was safe to say I knew my way around. Thus, Princess Celestia brought me straight to the throne room.

Walking in the throne room for the first time is much like seeing your first shooting star: it’s a brief, shining moment of wonder followed by a surge of adrenaline that usually follows something really cool, and you’re excited to tell everyone about it. Walking in the I don’t know how many-eth time is like finding a prize at the bottom of your cereal box. Kinda neat, but you knew what was gonna happen.

The first thing I noticed was that there were a whole lot of ponies standing around. Princesses Luna, Cadence and Twilight, Shining Armor, the customary amount of guards, and, of course, Prince Blueblood.

I half expected Discord to be around. Well, half expected, half hoped. But no.

They didn’t seem to notice me right away. Or if they did, they didn’t recognize me. Which is mildly insulting. Or would be, if not for the big floppy hat and trenchcoat. Yeah, Princess Celestia kind of made me put it on when I got to the castle. Something about disturbing the locals. She passed me off to anyone who asked as somepony seeking asylum. I responded my smiling evilly under the hat and laughing like a serial killer. That lasted all of two hallways, before she told me I wasn’t allowed to do that any more. Number one-forty.

“Sister, who is this that you have brought into our throne room? I suspect it is somepony seeking protection?” Luna asked.

I was trying really hard not to throw off the disguise and make a horrible joke.

Twilight and Cadence exchanged worried glances. “Protection? Like asylum? What kind of pony would need asylum?” Twilight asked, in what I think she thought was a hushed voice.

Cadence gave me a curios look. “Most likely somepony who has angered a noble or something similar. It might just be political or some famous figure trying to walk around without being bothered by fans. It happens more than you think.”

Trying reallllllyyyy hard here. I gave Princess Celestia a sideways glance, and she gave me what I swear to this day was a hint of a smile. That sadistic sun-raiser was enjoying it.

“Obviously it’s somepony who’s made a mess of things and expects us to clean it up for them. How typical,” Blueblood sneered.

I couldn’t take it any more. With one last pleading look to Celestia, she gave me a nod, and I threw off the disguise. “Honey, I’m hoooooooooooommeeeeee!” I said in my gayest voice possible. Which is pretty gay, actually. I use it to piss off homophobes.

I will never forget the reactions.

Blueblood all but ran for the hills. He ducked behind one of the thrones, cowering and yelling like a little girl, “Rule 106! RULE 106!!”

The other Princesses just gave varying degrees of eye-rolls and disapproving looks, mixed will all shades of groans.

Luna looked less bothered than the others to see me. Of course, that would change over time. “Sister, why exactly is... he here?” she drawled.

“Yeah, he’s kind of...” Twilight trailed off, her courteous manner preventing her from using all the rather inappropriate adjectives I’ve grown so accustomed to.

“An ass? A douchebag? A jerk to everyone? Absolutely adorable to the audience at home? A crowd favorite?” I rambled on.

“A pain in my flank,” Cadence finished.

Celestia looked around the room, a hint of the creepy smile I had seem hours before tugging at the corners of her mouth. “Well, girls, I have had an idea. I recently received a large list of complaints from a customer service company that, up until recently, employed our... loyal subject here. This list happened to coincide with a certain expense report from a project spear-headed by our very own Prince Blueblood. Thus, an idea was born.”

Blueblood popped his head out, as the Princesses looked confusedly at each other. “Auntie, what are you saying?”

Celestia gave that same meaningful cough as before, and a familiar-looking guard trotted forward with a pen and pad of paper. “Take note: Rule One Hundred Five is revoked. Rule One Hundred Forty-One: Schadenfreude is to be within three hundred feet of Prince Blueblood at all times unless specifically ordered by a Princess.”

“AUNTIE!” Blueblood bellowed.

I saw Twilight look back and forth between us curiously, her eyes sparkling with recognition. “Wait, you don’t mean...”

Luna raised an eyebrow. “Tia...”

And Cadence? Cadence laughed. “Oh... oh no.... please don’t tell me....”

Celestia nodded, and looked down at me. “Schadenfreude, I believe you’ve met Prince Blueblood. He will be your direct supervisor from now on.”

I felt an unfamiliar muscle group in my face twitch. “What.”

As if to answer that not-really-a-question, she turned to Blueblood. “Bluey, meet your new butler.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Seriously, I was going to need cosmetic surgery to unsmile myself.

Author's Note

If you guys enjoy this stuff, try reading Safety Off, another thing I wrote.

Oh My Goddess, He’s Here to Stay.

Chapter 4: Oh My Goddess, He’s Here to Stay.

As Blueblood wept in the corner, the reception from the rest of the Royal Family was... well, to be honest, even I didn’t expect this. And I’m amazing. They laughed.

They actually laughed.

It started with Cadence. At first, it was just a chuckle. Then, she snorted, in that manner that ponies, typically mares, usually do when they’re trying to suppress real, all-encompassing laughter. Then she made the mistake of looking to Twilight, who was just starting in on the hints of a chortle. They made eye contact, and Cadence grunted, “Don’t look at me!”

Soon after they burst out laughing. I mean rolling on the floor, holding their sides, making the walls shake laughter.

Luna held out the longest. She was just holding back a smirk as Blueblood yelled from the corner, “It’s NOT FUNNY!” She lost it immediately after.

“Oh... oh my... no! You can’t be serious!” Twilight howled. “I just... I can’t! I can’t Celestia-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

“I think Shining Armor’s going to cry!” Cadence choked out between guffaws.

Luna simply leaned against the arm of her throne and cried laughing into the fabric. “Oh, we-we have not laughed so hard in ages! Tis most amusing, Sister!”

Celestia, bless her heart, simply smiled that same, creepy-yet-boner-inducing evil smile that I would soon become addicted to. I swear a guy could fall in love with that kind of hidden wickedness.

Matter of fact, I did, but that’s a different story. One involving alcohol and a whole lot of “NO.”

At that point, Blueblood had crawled his way up to his “Aunt Tia” and started begging. “You can’t let him bear me, Auntie! He’ll make me miserable!”

“Oh, don’t worry, Blueblood. It’s not like he’ll be sleeping in the same room as you. His room is going to be in the servant’s quarters just like all the other maids and butlers,” she “assured” him. Then she thought about it for a moment. Turning to me, she added, “Freude, you are hereby ordered to disregard Rule One Hundred Forty-One as of eight o’clock each evening. At least let him sleep properly.”

I felt a little put out at that, as I had some great ideas for harassing him at night. “Oh, fine. So what time does it kick in in the mornings?”

She smiled at me again. Stars above, that smile. “Six o’clock in the morning.”

I expected the girls to burst out laughing again, but as the statement was followed by silence (Save for Blueblood’s cries of anguish. Delicious.), I turned to see what had quelled the laughter.

The other Princesses were whispering amongst each other, looking rather worried. Finally, Cadence spoke up. “Um, Aunt Tia, you don’t mean... he’s not seriously going to live here, is he?” Twilight and Luna nodded along.

Luna flinched. “Sister, I hate it when you smile like that.”

After a nice long debriefing, a re-reading of the things I was not allowed to do, and a proper introduction to the guards relevant to my position (i.e. Shining Armor and everypony posted between my room and Blueblood’s), I was shown to my quarters.

My room itself wasn’t very lavish, by castle standards. But I wasn’t as concerned with the aesthetic quality of the place as I was its practicality. Or, should I say, its potential to become extremely impractical to anypony but me.

I was to start my official position tomorrow morning, as Blueblood was to be given the rest of the day to either enjoy his freedom or mourn it, I wasn’t sure which. Of course, during the tour, Celestia made the “mistake” of telling me that, while I was out each day tending to Blueblood’s needs (which we spent quite a long period of time deliberating), that maids would be attending to my room.

Now, one thing that I think is important to note in regards to my... personal brand of humor. I don’t believe in grossing ponies out. It’s easy, cheap laughs that work on almost everypony. It’s also uncouth and disturbing. So I wasn’t about to leave anything disgusting for the maids to clean or making a mess of my bathroom. After all, they could simply refuse to clean it, and leave me with the mess. That’s no fun at all.

No, I decided to spend the rest of my afternoon “Schadening up the place”, a term coined by my ex-marefriend. Oh yeah, that’s a story. For later.

It starts with the obvious. A tilted painting. An out of place chair. Bed sheets tucked in too hard on one side and slightly off on the other. Which actually makes it easier to sleep, for some reason. But given that I had a whole new, professionally trained audience to tend to, I needed to get creative. Like, for example, moving all of my furniture to the edges of the room, so that I could shift the entire rug exactly 8.5 degrees to the left, leaving it at an angle across the entire room.

Given how many times I’ve done this in hotels, I’ve grown startlingly proficient at it. I can even make the most minimal of noise in the process. Which, given the effort required for an Earth pony to move furniture, is quite a lot anyway. But nopony came to investigate my room. Probably because nopony wanted to deal with me more than they had to.

A good reputation is one that is earned, not embellished.
Now that the rug, paintings, and assortment of decorations had been properly tampered and or shifted, I felt it was my duty to exercise that most basic of etiquettes. Saying hi to your neighbors.

Foul! Dis-neighbourly conduct!

Chapter 5: Foul! Dis-neighbourly conduct!

It didn't surprise me that the majority of ponies I'd met, or trotted within earshot of, suddenly had a great deal of things to do elsewhere. In fact, I found it mildly amusing, and started making notes as to who came out of what door at what time. Which would be put to fantastic use later. Celestia help us all if I ever found a work schedule.

I did, of course, encounter some ponies that had no apparent adverse reactions to me, including one startlingly chipper young stallion named Half-Pint. Who, mind you, was an average-sized stallion. “Well, hello there!” he called out cheerfully, as I almost ran into him turning a corner. He was just coming out of a room marked “Kitchen”, so I could only imagine what he did for a living. “Name's Half-Pint, I handle all of the drinks and refreshments for the wait staff! Who're you?”

Well, I wasn't about to be snarky. He was a well-mannered, cheerful stallion giving me a proper greeting and introduction. I am a stallion of class, after all. “My name is Schadenfreude, Prince Blueblood's new personal attendant. Pleasure to meet you.”

He smiled, and bowed his head a bit. “Well, good luck with that. Ol' Bluey's a bit of a hooffull. Hope you're up for it. Oop, I better get back to it! Egg Beater might blow a gasket if I'm late!”

I raised an eyebrow, but he was already off down the hall. So instead, I simply waved and said, “Bye!”

“Bye!”

I waited til he turned a corner, and then took a quick peek into the kitchen. The... surprisingly unoccupied kitchen. That was amazingly well organized. Alphabetically.

It was like Heart's Warming Eve come early.

For bad people.

A little while later, I was making my way past the Royal's quarters, at which point I could feel every Royal Guard in the hall staring at me. Or, at least extremely aware of my existence. So I did what any respectable (don't even start I can hear you coughing from here), castle attendant would do. I found a small alcove in the hall, and stood there. Not perfectly still, like the guards, because that's boring. Nope, I just kind of hung out. Sat and stared at the wall for a while. Every once in a while, just to keep them alert, I'd scratch my nose or check my hooves for no reason.

Now, while you may be wondering why I was in such blatant violation of Rule #3. But in fact, if I'm not committing any actions or actively engaging a guard, it doesn't count. I was literally sitting there minding my own business.

For two. Hours.

Two and a half hours later, and the addition of Rule #142: “Schadenfreude is not to spend more than ten minutes in the presence of a Royal guard unless under the provision of an earlier rule,” I was being frogmarched by Princess Cadence back to the kitchen.

“Oh come on, it wasn't that big a deal,” I grumbled, as she all but drug me down the hall.

“He cried, Schaden, cried. He's been here five years. But enough about Captain Lucerne,” she stated bluntly, throwing open the kitchen door. “WHAT DID YOU DO.”

I looked in at the kitchen staff scrambling around, inspecting every corner of the kitchen, and smiled to myself. “Absolutely nothing.”

She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, right. Tell us what you did so we can write a Rule about it and move on.”

My smile grew. “I'm serious. I walked in, looked around, and walked out.”

She gave me a glare that, were I someone as close to her as Shining Armor or Twilight, might have made me worried. But I didn't know here that well at the time, so I ignored it. “You mean to tell me you just happened to walk into the kitchen, do absolutely nothing, and walk out just as the entire lunch staff walked back in after... serving... oh you are an asshole.”

“You can't spell paranoia without anoi,” I chirped. Her eyebrow twitched.

“There's a rule in this somewhere, I just have to find it,” she grumbled, and marched off.

“There's a loophole in this somewhere, I just have to find it,” I said to myself, loud enough for Cadence to hear. Then I went about my day.

If there are two words in the Equestrian language that I cannot resist, and are, in fact, the perfect bait for anypony just mad enough to trap me (which is pretty much everypony), it's these: “Keep Out”.

There wasn't any lock. No big, ornate decoration. Just a small cardboard sign on a string hung on a nail on a small door in the middle of a side hallway. That said “Keep Out” in somewhat feminine block letters.

So I didn't.

The room itself was a small storage room, filled with boxes of supplies for the different jobs, and a few odds and ends I wasn't especially concerned with. What did concern me was the two mares snogging in this storage closet. Which explained the rather feminine hoofwriting on the sign. I stared for a few moments, because buck yeah. Then they realized I was there. One of them, a rather curvy unicorn, barked, “Hey! Shove off!” and closed the door with her magic.

Now, while I'm not about to blackmail a couple of ponies for finding love (or something like it) in this world, I am a raving douchebag. Thus, I turned to my own, special list. I like to call it “The Counterlist”.

Rule #1: Always carry a sharpie.

I quietly took the sign down, took out my sharpie, and wrote on the back of the sign, “Free Cake.” Then I hung it back up.

And thus, my first day at the castle was a rousing success.

Author's Note

I'm back, bitches. And so is he^.

Employees Only

Chapter 6: Employees Only

It should be obvious by now that I really shouldn’t be let anywhere ever without supervision of some kind. Or at least that seems to be the opinion of the masses. But seeing as how I still had a few hours left before my curfew, I deemed that the most prudent use of my time would be given to finding all of the places in the castle that I was absolutely under no circumstances allowed to go near for any reason whatsoever till the end of time amen.

And then find a way in.

High security places don’t interest me. I’m well aware of the shenanigans this country is used to by now; monster attacks, rogue infestations, neighboring conflicts, the usual. And naturally the royal palace was going to have some countermeasures, dangerous artefacts, and generally off-limits areas for the security and well-being of its citizens. I found all of this both interesting and extremely boring.

After all, you can only tamper so far before it becomes a felony, and I had no interest in endangering people. Merely making them cry salty tears of frustration with which to flavor my morning coffee. Not literally though. I tried that once and it’s nowhere near as satisfying as one might assume. It’s also really kind of gross in half-caff.

No, I was more interested in the places that, even though they’re open to the general public, I seem to be generally discouraged from entering, if not outright personally banned. In order to do this, I needed to pull out a copy of The List to make sure I wasn’t already banned from any prospective locations.

It was as I was studying this list that I passed a rather peculiar door. Not peculiar in any way that would make it look anything less or more than the door it was, but more peculiar in that it caught my attention and held it. It was a grand set of double doors, oak, with many adornments and a rather large golden plaque to the side.

[ROYAL CANTERLOT ARCHIVES]

Now, it occurred to me that I was banned in general from public libraries in Canterlot. Then I saw it. A smaller sign, just underneath that one, with what may have been the two most beautiful words I’d ever seen in my life:

[EMPLOYEES ONLY]

Princesses Twilight and Cadence were walking about the castle, strolling through one of its many great halls, having a rather pointed conversation. “Do you think Blueblood is going to be ok?” Twilight asked.

“Pffft, please. Schadenfreude is beyond a pain in my flank, but he’s legitimately harmless. He’s just really, really annoying. If anything happens to Blueblood it will probably be self-inflicted,” Cadence mused dryly.

Twilight raised a brow. “That doesn’t exactly inspire any kind of confidence.”

The princess of love rolled her eyes. “Look, he may be the most annoying colt on the planet, but deep down he doesn’t actually want to hurt anyone. He has his own rules. He has his own limits. He may find ways around them or push them slightly one way or the other, but overall I think he’s probably the only pony on the planet emotionally equipped to deal with our… cousin,” she looked like the word left a bad taste in her mouth.

The smaller mare laughed slightly into her hoof. “You make it sound like you enjoy Freude’s company more than Blueblood’s.”

“At least Freude is good for a laugh now and then. Now come on, enough about those two. I only have another night here, and you said you had some… reading material stashed away for me in the library?” Cadence raised a knowing eyebrow.

Twilight blushed slightly and smiled. “Yeah, but shhh. Come on,” she added, and lead Cadence down a side hallway, towards the library.

The scream echoed through the halls as if the architecture itself bellowed in rage. Reverberating down royal halls, it made its way into the audience chamber of the royal sisters.

Celestia’s ears perked as the faint echo of frustration reached her. “Did you hear that>” she asked her sibling.

Luna looked round, as if trying to locate the source. “It sounded like… Twilight!” she added urgently, once she could place a name to the noise.

Just then, a guard ran into the room. “Princess Celestia! Princess Luna! You have to come quick! Twilight’s going to kill him!”

“Who?!” the sisters asked in unison.

“Schadenfreude!” the guard yelled. Judging by his young voice and face, as well as his armor, he was obviously a recruit, thus the panic.

The two sisters looked to each other, and as realization set in, let out a frustrated sigh. “What did he do this time?” Luna asked, as if afraid of the answer.

“I don’t know, I just heard her yelling at him from the library, and-“

Celestia held up a hoof. “Wait, the library? Schadenfreude isn’t allowed into any public library, it’s on the list. And he prides himself on not breaking those rules.”

The guard shook his head. “Not the public library, the Royal Canterlot Archives!”

Luna raised an eyebrow. “But those are employ… yees… only…” she trailed off, sharing a panicked look with her sister.

“TWILIGHT!” they both bellowed, and took off down the hall to keep their newest Princess from committing murder.

Author's Note

Welp, guess I'm not done writing hoerswords after all.

The Writing on the Wall (of Shame)

Chapter 7: The Writing on the Wall (of Shame)

I shouldn’t be surprised that one of these days I’d accidentally stumble across a line I wasn’t aware of. There are thousands of ponies who have that one little thing, that one tick that just sets them apart, sets them off, but they’re so convinced that their little tick is so weird, so unconventional, that they’ll never actually tell anypony what it is. But I make it such a point in my life to absolutely irk the ponies around me that sometimes, not often, but sometimes, I find those irks on accident.

Apparently Princess Twilight’s happens to be finding her porn stash. So come on, tell me how I could have seen that one coming.

Ok, I say finding, but what I really mean is reading it aloud at the corner table with a cup of Jasmine tea. But I mean, quietly aloud. It is a library, after all.

Now, I’d narrate the events leading up to me running for my life down the halls of the Royal Castle, but you can pretty much surmise what went down from there. Fast-forwarding past the running and girly screams (from both parties, I will admit), I found myself tapped at the end of a rather long corridor. It was an exciting turn of events, but despite my cardio, I am not equipped to outrun, outmaneuver, or outthink an alicorn princess.

“Schaden!” Twilight shrieked, as I stood still at the end of the hall. I thought about cowering into the corner for effect, but I was afraid it might look a bit too real. And I have at least some kind of image to maintain. That and part of me was mildly excited at seeing Twilight this angry.

Alright, fine, I may have more than one reason for being a total troll. Angry mares are a weakness of mine. But another time.

“Eyyyyyyeeeeeesssss?” I said as mock-innocently as I could.

“What is the MATTER with you?! What if somepony had heard you?!” the Princess yelled.

“Then they’d probably have an erection. I like to think my reading voice is a rather dulcet tone.”

Watching a face normally awash with a somehow bookish shade of purple darken a few shades of red is the kind of artistic transition I, to my great shame, lack the formal education to describe. I believe the technical term is “hilarious.”

She stuttered for a few seconds, then eventually blurted out, “What if a foal had heard you?”

I had the gall (yes, even I recognize the limits of my own audacity sometimes), to look aghast. “Why, Princess! You employ foals here?!”

Yet more stuttering and half-words. In the meantime, the other three princesses caught up. Cadence, having already been witness to most of the story thus far, let the other two speak first. Celestia took a step forward. “What exactly is the problem here?”

I look over Twilight’s shoulder. “Your protégé seems… I think the word is ‘triggered?’”

Before she could ask me to explain, Cadence took a moment to fill her in. “Twilight had hid some… mature reading material for me in the Royal Canterlot Archives, and Schaden found them. Then started reading them aloud with a cup of tea. Twilight threatened him, they talked, Twilight got mad, chased him here.”

Luna raised an eyebrow. “I have noticed Twilight’s penchant to get emotional when it comes to the subject of adult books.”

Before I could stop myself, it slipped out, “Yeah, writers are easily embarrassed by their own works. Part of that ‘You’re your own worst critic thing, I guess?”

The silence was palpable. It took me a second to realize that, not only did none of the other Princesses know that Twilight was a smut writer, but at some point they’d all read her stuff. The first pony to speak was Luna, which surprised me a bit. “Well, that seems reasonable.”

I almost died laughing. I fell over on the carpet, just howling at myself in hysterics. I could only imagine what looks I was getting, as I couldn’t see them through the happy tears. When I finally stood up, the first thing I heard was, “What the hell is so funny?”

I barely managed to choke out my answer through smaller after-laughs. “Your sister’s protégé-slash-fellow princess-slash-friend is a porn writer that you’ve been reading for goddess knows how long for goddess knows what reasons, who’s chased your cousin’s butler through several hundred yards of Royal Hallways for reading said smut out loud with the intent of harming him bodily, and this is ‘reasonable’ to you?”

“…Yes?”

This time I wasn’t the only one laughing.

After we had all recovered from the absurdity of the whole scenario, and sat around at a nearby meeting room for a small snack, the conversation was much more amicable.

“So, seriously, why didn’t you tell us?” Cadence asked. Twilight hid a much lighter blush and smile behind a cup of coffee.

“Well, I thought you’d make fun of me,” she said, with a pointed glance in my direction. The other princesses stared with her.

“Ok, not that I don’t deserve that, but to be fair, I try not to openly mock people for things that make them happy. Mistakes? Yes. Being clumsy, or openly foolish? Most likely. Being an ass? Absolutely. But if there’s something you enjoy, something you think is worth doing, you shouldn’t be ashamed of it. I never have been,” I mused, shoving another croissant into my face. Flaky pastries. Num.

Cadence raised an eyebrow at me. “So you believe being a total ass is worth doing?”

It took me a moment to respond, cause of the face full of flakiness. “No, being yourself is. Myself just happens to be a raging douchebag.”

Author's Note

Just wanted to add some closure to that open-ended chapter. I had some ideas for some more chapters, so this story's probably gonna stutter it's way to completion.

Schadenfreude’s Punday Afternoon

Chapter 8: Schadenfreude’s Punday Afternoon

About half a month passed without too much of note happening after the Royal Canterlot Archives incident. Needless to say a few more rules had been added to the list, which at this point I believe was just a bit shy of 150. Honestly my personal goal is 200, which hasn’t happened yet. One can dream.

The next thing of any import that happened after I started my job was a Sunday afternoon some weeks later. Actually, that’s not entirely accurate, quite a bit happened in the space between, but to be honest it was so much like pretty much every other day I have on this job that it didn’t stand out that much to me. To other ponies? I’d like to think so. But it takes relatively spectacular events to stand out as a really good story to me.

Either that or just particularly funny.

That morning had gone by just like the last few mornings before it: thinking of creative ways to wake up Blueblood (I had chosen joybuzzers to his back hooves this morning, by request. You’d be surprised how many requests I get from other staff when it comes to messing with my boss. I usually only honor about a fifth of them); going to breakfast; generally annoying or disturbing anyone I encountered. The usual.

It wasn’t until about noon that something amazing happened. Blueblood and I were sitting down to lunch with a few extended members of the Royal Family (who I honestly couldn’t give two shakes about), with a great deal of brown nosing going on. The only person at the table besides myself that I found at all interesting was this older gentlecolt, a duke I believe, who looked like the amicable, wise old uncle type. He smiled pretty much the entire time and made genuinely polite conversation. His name was Old Faithful, if I recall correctly.

Somewhere around the end of the main course, one of the distinctly more pompous “gentlecolts” accidentally knocked his fork off the table as he was making some big sweeping gesture while bragging about something or other to a hoofmaiden. He paused, and looked down with mild disgust at the utensil on the floor, then back up at the hoofmaiden. “Fetch me another,” he said with disdain.

She looked a little off-put and nervous, and stammered, “Um… it might take me a bit, the kitchen is a little busy and might be behind in washing dishes.”

Now, to a reasonable pony, this would translate as a minute or two while she dashed off and either found one or washed a fork herself (like the one that just fell on the floor). To somepony born with a Silver Spoon up their pooter, this would obviously be an eternity. The “noble” stallion looked almost livid, and more than ready to say something brash, harsh, and demeaning to the already timid hoofmaiden.

She was saved, however, by who I now consider one of my greatest heroes: Old Faithful. Before the upstart could get so much as a word out, the kindly uncle chided, “Well, son, looks like you’re forked.”

I laughed so hard soup came out my snout a little. This obviously got the attention of a few of our dining compatriots, or at least those who weren’t groaning at the awesome pun. Another hoofmaiden gave me a napkin to clean myself up with. Faithful gave me an approving smile, to which I responded, “That was souperb, good sir.”

Which elicited yet more groaning. Blueblood in particular looked to be in particular pain. Faithful gave a hearty belly laugh, and added, “It’s so good to find a pony with a similar pallet for humor.” Eye rolls and heavy sighs.

“Oh, I’ve only recently developed a taste for it myself,” I chided. I was surrounded by a chorus of “please stops”s and “Oh Sweet Celestias”, amid groans and sighs and various sounds of distress.

It was heavenly.

“I have quite the appetite for bad jokes, myself,” Faithful added. “It distresses me that such jokes are so punderrated.”

I was trying to keep up with him, but I was laughing too hard, and when I wasn’t laughing I was smiling too big to make proper words. “Ok, ok, I surrender!” I howled. “You are the pundefeated champion!”

“Auuugggghhhh, shut up!” Blueblood yelled. It was glorious.

After lunch, all of the nobles dispersed, but not after Faithful and I had made plans for drinks later in the week, once I was off the clock. There was no rule yet against me being given alcohol for free from some random guy. I had not, however, given up my mission to slowly kill Blueblood by Death of a Thousand Puns.

“You know, I really think we should spend more time with the rest of your family. They’re a lot more fun than I thought,” I mused, as I followed my boss to his next engagement.

“Hmmm,” he said quietly. “I find most of them unbearable. Far too stuck up for their own good, expecting everypony to do everything for them, no sense of pride.”

I had to physically stop myself from smacking him in the face with a mirror. So I opted for the next best thing. “They sound like royal pains in the flank.”

Blueblood flinched, and groaned. “Ohhh, I thought we were done with that.”

“Oh, no, I’ve got a lot more of those. My work is always punfinished,” I quipped.

“Augggghhhh,” he grunted, and started walking faster.

I kept pace with him, easily. “Are you ok, boss? You’re walking pretty fast and you don’t look well. Do you have… the trots?”

“Stooooooooooooop!” he cried, now galloping down the hall. He banked a corner relatively hard, and I heard a loud thump followed by cries of discomfort.

I trotted to catch up and make sure he was ok. Then I saw who he had run into: Shining Armor. The blue-maned stallion stood up, rubbing his forehead slightly. “What the devil just happened?” he groaned. He glanced down at Blueblood, then up at me. I don’t think it helped that I was barely concealing a smile. And by barely I mean not at all. “Freude, what did you do now?”

“Hey, I just told some bad jokes. It’s not my fault Blueblood can’t handle a few bad puns,” I said innocently.

Blueblood stood up slowly, groaning rather loudly should anyone who cared hear him. “Well I’m sorry, but I have my limits!”

I smiled at him. “Yes, but running blindly around a corner just to get away from me? You must be a glutton for punishment.”

Both Blueblood and Shining rolled their eyes at that. “Oh for- has he been at this all day?” Shining asked, probably hoping he wouldn’t get an answer.

Blueblood gave his cousin-in-law a pleading glance. “Just an hour or so, please make him stop, I couldn’t take a whole day of this.”

It was my turn to roll my eyes. “Oh please, like you’ve never told a bad joke in your life.”

“Well I’ve never abused anypony with them!” Bluey barked.

“Oh like you’ve never met anypony that could use a thorough quipping,” I said with as much snark as possible.

Shining Armor grunted in pain. “Oh, Freude, that was horrible.”

Bluey nodded. “He’s becoming punbearable, I tell you!” I raised an eyebrow at my boss, just as the realization of what he’d said struck him. “Oh god… it’s puntagious!” He paused. “Ahhhhhh!”

Shining shook his cousin by the shoulders. “Oh get a hold of yourself, Blueblood, you can’t catch a bad sense of humor. You probably just have a bad case of the puns.” The captain stopped for a second, as a look of horror came upon him. “Ahhhhh!” he shouted, holding his head with his hooves.

I threw my hooves in the air in victory “The puntagion has spread!”

That was a good day.

Author's Note

I don't know why I wrote this chapter, but it's been sitting in my head all day.

Shadenhuman

Chapter 9: Schadenhuman

I’m starting to think there is such a thing as too easy. Do you know how little effort it takes to annoy a teenager? They get mad at everything. I could sneeze and half the room would be offended. Teachers, on the other had, are the best. They have to go out of there way to pretend they aren’t annoyed by every living thing. And if it does get too much? They make a rule about it, which gets on all the student’s nerves. Canterlot High School has a really long list of really stupid rules that no one actually enforces. Unless I’m in the room. Then it’s AHOD. Which is why I’m usually in detention.

Like right now.

“Excuse me, Miss Cheerilee?” I ask innocently, raising my hand.

The teacher watching over detention for the afternoon doesn’t even look up from her magazine. “What, Schadenfreude?”

“Well, I know I have a decent supply of detentions to serve, but I was wondering which one this was?” Keeping my voice as calm and polite as possible is one of my favorite tricks. No matter how angry other people get, it can always be made worse by being the only calm one in the argument. Of course, I’m not arguing right now, but give it time. It’s kind of inevitable around me.

“I couldn’t tell you, Schaden.”

I tap my chin with my finger. “Is it for the time I took a tape measure to all the teacher’s skirts to make sure they were in dress code?”

“I don’t know, Schaden,” she says, exasperated.

“Or the time I showed that visiting cop on career day where Mr. Discord keeps his weed?”

Cheerilee rolls her eyes. “I don’t know Schaden.”

“Maybe this one is for when I told Pinkie Pie that Principal Celestia’s hair tasted more like cotton candy than hers?” That was a fun afternoon. Lots of running. Hot damn that principal can run in heels. It’s kinda sexy.

“No idea, Schaden.”

“What about when I got in trouble for bringing a comic to school, and tried to argue with Principal Luna that it was okay cause of all the comics you have in your desk?”

Her eyelid twitches a little at that one, but she doesn’t look up. Being my homeroom teacher, she’s proven to be quite the worthy opponent. “No, Schaden, THAT detention is a special one I’ve set aside.”

Ooh, kinky. “Well, if I’m serving them in order, maybe it’s closer to the time I showed Twilight Sparkle that Octopi and Octopuses are both grammatically correct?”

Her other eyelid twitches. She’s also an English teacher. “Maybe, Schaden, maybe.”

“Oh, I know. This is for that time I-”

“GodDAMMIT Freude will you shut the fuck UP!” Yells a very angry girl from two seats behind me. What, you didn’t think I was here by my lonesome, did you?

I turn around and give Aria Blaze the nicest smile I can manage. Which is pretty nice, considering all the practice I put into it. “Now that wasn’t very nice, Aria. You’re not supposed to yell in detention.”

You’d think Cheerilee would have gotten up and said something at the ex-siren’s outburst, but no. Most of the teachers here actually prefer her fowl mouth to letting me talk. At all, actually. “I don’t give a flying rat fuck what you’re here for. You should be more worried about what I’m in here for,” she growled.

Now, I know she’s trying to be intimidating, but she just done opened a whole can of worms. “Oh, is it for smoking in the teacher’s lounge during the last assembly?” I hear Cheerilee give a start behind me. She obviously was unaware of this.

Aria glares daggers at me. “You little piece of-”

“Or maybe it was having sex on the floor of the library?” I muse. Really, people should know better than to think I won’t be a total dick about stuff like this. I turn my head just enough to see Miss Cheerilee out of the corner of my eye. She’s paying attention now. In fact, I think that’s a notepad. I don’t want to take my eyes off of Aria long enough to be sure, however.

Her knuckles turn white as she grips her desk. “I swear to god I’m gonna-”

“How about the raging dumpster fire? Or shin-kicking the superintendent? Or the time you locked Sonata in the kitchen the night before Taco Tuesday? Or-”

Aria stands up, her hands balled into fists, as she takes a step towards me. And another. She’s mid-stride when I hear someone clear their throat behind me. Aria snaps out of her rage-trance and looks up, her expression going from pissed off to panicked. I turn around and sure enough, there’s Miss Cheerilee, holding a notepad and giving Aria a very stern look.

“Miss Blaze, I do believe you and I, and the Principals, have quite a lot to talk about. For now, though, you’re going to sit down, be quiet, and wait the last thirty minutes before detention is over,” she says coolly, in that well-practiced teacher voice of hers.

Aria does as she’s told, and glares at the clock. “Hey wait, there’s only fifteen minutes left!”

Cheerilee, on her way back to her desk, explains, “Yes, but Schaden is going to need the head start.”

“Why thank you Miss-”

My homeroom teacher glares at me. “Shut the fuck up, Schaden.”

“Um, Miss Cheerilee, can I go now?” Sonata asks from the corner of the room, waving her hand frantically.

“For the last time, Sonata Dusk, YOU ARE NOT IN DETENTION.”

Welcome to Ponyville (Part 1)

Author's Note

You guys. YOU GUYS. I'm SO excited for this part.

IT'S HAPPENING.

Welcome to Ponyville (Part 1)

Chapter 10: Welcome to Ponyville, Part 1

“My little ponies,” Princess Celestia began, addressing the large ensemble of waitstaff and workers gathered before her, “Thank you all for coming today. I know you have very busy schedules, so I am very pleased to see you taking time away from your duties to help me address a rather… interesting matter.”

I sat somewhere near the back, being as absolutely polite and attentive as I could. Normally, I would revel in the opportunity to antagonize such a large crowd all at once. However, this meeting was far too important. Because, unlike almost everypony here, I knew exactly what she had called us all for. One of the benefits to having a loudmouth steam train for a boss.

“Now, as you all have seen, I have not divulged the reason for this gathering, as the request I must make of you is both difficult and dangerous. Which is why, once I have explained the situation, I will only accept volunteers for this position. I want ponies who, having heard all the facts, are both willing and able to commit themselves to this extreme task.” Celestia didn’t move while addressing us, save to scan the room for signs of distress or discomfort. Some ponies were already looking rather worried.

“As you may all know,” she continued, “Princess Twilight Sparkle has procured her own castle through rather… unique means. It is a rather large and complex structure, and even being the accomplished magician that she and her pupil are, it has proven a rather daunting task. So, she has sent a request to me for aid, in that I would send her some temporary castle staff to assist her while she vets and hires her own employees.” Many eyes went wide at this declaration, and more than a few shuffled their hooves in discomfort. “Those of you wishing to leave may do so now.”

More than half the room filed out. The rest of us condensed into an orderly arrangement. “I see,” Celestia sighed, obviously disappointed. “I cannot say I am surprised. The rest of you, I appreciate your remaining behind. However, there are a few warnings I must issue you. First and foremost, for those of you unaware, Twilight’s Castle sits on the edge of the Everfree forest.” A hoofful of ponies turned tail and skedaddled. Another royal sigh. “Yes, this does not surprise me. The forest is a rather dangerous place, but thankfully, rather contained.”

The Princess began to pace back and forth as she pressed on, “The castle itself has proven to be relatively harmless, though Ponyville is not without its dangers. Many strange events have occurred there over the last several years, including the rise and fall of Nightmare Moon, the return of Discord, the final battle against Tirek, the insurgence of the chaos brambles, a free-roaming Ursa Minor, bugbear, and Cerberus himself. Not to mention the myriad of smaller problems the Elements of Harmony have taken it upon themselves to address.”

With each example the Princess gave, more and more ponies filed out. When she was done, only a dozen or so remained. “You will also most likely be in continuous contact with the Elements themselves, and will be expected to interact with the denizens of Ponyville on a semi-regular basis.” Two more looked at each other, and walked out.

Celestia took a look at the ten remaining souls, myself included, and sighed. “Well, my little ponies, I was rather hoping for a few more, but if you all are willing and able, I appreciate your dedication. You shall all be relocated to Ponyville within the week, with further instructions. Are there any questions?”

One stallion raised his hoof. “Will we be expected to address any of the threats you’ve listed, should they or something like them resurface?”

Celestia shook her head. “No. I have also taken the liberty of addressing the guard, and have a small detachment being sent out to guard the castle until Twilight hires and vets her own guard.”

The stallion in question nodded agreeably, seemingly placated. Nopony else had questions. “Very well,” the Princess concluded. “You shall all receive your instructions by the end of day tomorrow. You are dismissed.” As we all began to file out, Celestia coughed loudly, adding, “Schadenfreude, please stay behind for a moment.”

Dammit.

I turned on my heel and walked back to where I was sitting, waiting patiently. “Schadenfreude, I respect, and even a little bit admire, your dedication, but I am not confident that you are a good fit for this position. I am hesitant to allow you to take this assignment.”

I nodded. “Princess, I don’t ask for much. My life has been rather smooth for me, though not without its hangups, and occasional night in the dungeon. My job was paying well, until you asked me to work here, and it has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I take the addition of new rules in stride, and do my best not to cause any significant legal trouble. Anymore,” I added sheepishly, with a wry smile from Celestia. “I like my job, and I have even made a friend or two in my time here.”

“Yes, I must say I’ve been rather surprised by your integration here. It is not without complaint, of course, but I must say you’ve been staying the course rather well. You’ve even helped Blueblood straighten up. Just a little. However, this does not mean that I believe you are ready for such an important task,” she concluded with a stern look.

Again, I nodded. “I understand your concern. My point, however, isn’t that I believe that I have earned the right to come and go as I please, but more to point out that I have been more than content with my lot in life. In fact, I consider myself a rather happy and amicable pony.” Celestia raised an eyebrow, waiting to see where I was going with this. “So I want you to know that it is a rarity when I ask for something unique. Nay, in fact, I am prepared to beg. On my stomach if necessary. Please. Please Princess Celestia, let me have this. I have never wanted, nor pleaded, for anything so badly in my life. For the love of everything, please.” I ended my undignified display shaking my forehooves together ingratiatingly.

The ruler of Equestria tilted her head with a rather amused expression. “Schaden, I must say I am surprised. You, despite your many annoyances, always seem to have a sense of pride. I would not expect you to prostrate yourself so willingly. You really desire this opportunity so much? You haven’t even called me Sunbutt all day.”

I would have sniffled if I thought it would have worked, but even I know limits when I see them. “Yes, Princess, I really do. More than anything.”

She considered me for a moment, then sighed mightily. “Very well. I will make this exception. Blueblod will be delighted to have the couple of weeks away from you, I’m sure. As well as my waitstaff who deigned to stay behind. You are dismissed, and shall receive your instructions by the end of the day tomorrow.”

I jumped up, smiling like I hadn’t since I was first hired here. “Thank you, Princess Celestia, THANK you!” I declared, and scurried out of the room before she could change her mind. Or, rather, come to her senses.

-----Two days later-----

“Good evening, Sister,” Luna yawned, stepping out of her room. It was late in the day, and the Princess of the moon had just awoken.

“Good evening, Luna,” Celestia responded. She sat at a nearby table, a tray of tea and cakes beside her. Their evening ritual, sharing information about the day and night, in the hour or so they had together amid their opposite sleep schedules.

Luna took her seat and poured herself a cup of tea. “Have the volunteers for Twilight’s staff departed?”

Celestia nodded, in the middle of taking a bite of cake. Chewing politely and swallowing the morsel, she elaborated, “Yes, they all left around noon. I was rather hoping for more volunteers, but they will have to do. They are, of course rather capable ponies.”

“Of course,” Luna acknowledged, sipping her hot beverage. She smiled at the taste. “Tell me, who did you send? Anypony I would know?”

Celestia paused, her own cup an inch or so from her mouth. “Well, yes, actually...” she said meekly.

“Tia… who did you send?”

The Princess of the Sun straightened herself in her chair. “A few of our maids, a member of the kitchen staff, some maintenance crew, and a butler.”

“I see. Which butl- no. No, Tia, tell me you didn’t. Please,” Luna said, rubbing the bridge of her nose in frustration, her eyes scrunched shut.

“Now Luna, I understand your trepidation, but he presented a very compelling argument, and his track record lately has been much better. I was hesitant too, at first, but I am choosing to have faith in him. Besides, even he can’t get into that much trouble. Not with the list hanging over his head,” Celestia reasoned.

Luna opened a single eye. “The list? Celestia, did you make any changes to it?”

“I didn’t feel the need. And besides, the list is only changed with precedent. We can’t just add rules that we think he might break,” the white alicorn reasoned, taking a deep drought of tea.

“Oh, Tia. TIA. You sent him to Ponyville.”

“Your point being?” Another deep sip of tea.

“The list is called ‘Things Schadenfreude is not Allowed to do IN CANTERLOT,” Luna explained.

*PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF* Tea exploded from Celestia’s mouth like the mightiest of volcanoes. “SON OF A BI-”

Welcome to Ponyville (Part 2)

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Welcome to Ponyville (Part 3)

Chapter Eleven: Welcome to Ponyville, (Part 3)

The party itself is a rather enjoyable affair. Since only a hoofful of ponies here genuinely know me, it’s easy to find somepony who doesn’t and have a decent conversation. I’ve learned over the years that, as gratifying as it may be to go all out as soon as I get someplace new, that usually tips my hoof and makes more work for me in the long run. So for now I’ve decided to stick to endearing myself to (wow that sentence came out weird) the locals.

Some of them make this easier than others.

“Why is your Cutie Mark all tilted?”

“Are you an artist?”

“Are you a BAD artist?”

*gasp* “Do you want us to help you find what kind of art you ARE good at?!”

I shake my head politely, “No that’s ok-”

“Cute Mark Crusaders Art Directors, YAY!”

The three little fillies I encountered while mingling seem to be very excited about this prospect. It’s a double edged sword, really: children normally irritate me almost as much as I irritate everypony else, but they’re also extremely useful in irritating everypony else. Which gives me an idea. Now, normally, I’m not allowed to misrepresent my special talent or personality. In Canterlot. This being Ponyville, however… “Actually, girls, I’m an art critic. The painting is skewed because I have a different perspective on art than most ponies.”

“Oooooohhhhh…...” they say in stereo. Something they seem to do a lot of. The Orange one pipes up. “So… you don’t need help figuring out what kind of artist you are?”

I chuckle to myself. “Oh no. I learned long ago that I’m a professional BS artist. One of the best, actually. But… if you girls know anypony who does like art, who wants to get better, I could certainly help you help them.”

“Ok!” they chime, and run off, no doubt to be distracted by something shiny within the next three minutes.

I swivel my head around to pan the room, looking for somepony to talk to. Somepony interesting, like…

Are that mare’s eyes pointing in two different directions? What.

I trot up to this gray pegasus with a blonde mane who seems to be sitting a little off to the side, by herself. “Hello!”

She looks at me with a smile. And one eye. Hmm. “Oh, hi! Are you one of the new waiters?”

Waiters? Wha-oh. “Waitstaff,” I correct. “My name is Schadenfreude.” I hold out a hoof to shake hers.

She takes it and gives it a surprisingly firm shake. “Wait… staff? OH! I’m sorry, I thought you were a guy!”

...oh, my Luna. This is what this feels like. “No no no, that’s just what you call everypony who works for a Princess. I’m a butler,” I clarify.

She tilts her head in confusion. “Why does Princess Twilight need somepony else to butter her bread?”

This might be the most interesting conversation I’ve ever had. EVER. “There’s an ‘l’ in there. But-ler. My job is to help clean up, run individual errands, answer the door, that kind of thing.” I err on the side of caution and clarify each point as it comes up. Otherwise I could be here forever.

“Oh! Like in all those murder mysteries, where everyone says the butler did it!” Her eyes widen, and she leans in conspiratorially. “Are you a serial killer?” she whispers.

“No,” I whisper back. “I prefer toast.”

She tilts her head almost all the way to one side, and stares at me for a good ten seconds. I know because I count. Ten… nine….

...three… two… one… “Ahahaha! Like, breakfast cereal! Ahahahahaha!”

I wait patiently with a smile, one of my most practiced skills, until she laughs it all out. “So, why are you sitting here all by yourself?”

She looks a little sheepish as she answers. “Well, I tried to help set up the party, but I knocked a bunch of stuff over, and next thing I know the wall’s on fire, so now I have to sit in the corner.”

“The wall? Of the castle?” It’s my turn to tilt my head.

“Uh-huh.”

“...the walls are crystal.”

“I guess...” she says quietly, digging at the ground with her hoof.

I shake my head, walking away from that train of thought before it runs me over. “So, who told you you had to sit in the corner? Did they say you had to miss the party?”

She looks up at me again, and stops digging at the floor. There’s now a divot. In the crystal. “Um, Rainbow Dash asked me to just sit here and do nothing. That was about an hour ago, so...”

A thought occurs to me. “Well, miss… um, I didn’t get your name.”

“Oh, I’m Derpy Hooves!”

Of course you are. “So, Ms. Derpy. As it so happens, I work for the Princess. And I’m pretty sure that means I outrank Rainbow Dash, so I am giving you permission to join the party and have fun!” A strange shiver creeps down my spine, as if I’ve made a horrible mistake.

It’s much more common than you think. I wonder where the dungeons are in this castle?

“Ok!” she says happily, and trots off. “Thanks!” I soon lose her in the crowd.

My eyes scan the crowd for somepony else to talk to. Most of the partygoers seem embroiled in their own conversations, or dancing in a large area in the middle of the floor. I’m not a particularly talented dancer (although I never say it out loud), so I look for something more interesting. Or somepony.

Not finding anyone in particular, I decide t simply grab a glass of punch and sit at an unoccupied table. Finding one near the back of the room, I sit facing the crowd, simply content in ponywatching for now.

Until Princess Twilight trots up to me, sits in the chair opposite, and gives me a stern look. “Alright, Schaden, what are you up to?”

I raise an eyebrow out of true curiosity. “What are you talking about?”

“Don’t play dumb. I’ve seen you talking to ponies. The Cutie Mark Crusaders? Then Derpy? You’re planning something,” she accuses, pointing a wingtip at me.

I roll my eyes, and give her an exasperated stare. One of the drawbacks to being me is the sheer amount of suspicion and shade I get thrown my way. “Look, Princess, I just want to enjoy the party. I’m not out to secretly destroy Ponyville or anything. I’m not one of your thirty-minute villains or a friendship problem. I actually have a life. I came to Ponyville because I’ve never been. It sounded like fun. And honestly, even I get tired of Prince Blueballs’ asinine behavior after awhile. Really, I just want to sit here and drink punch and watch the crowd.”

She sits back, her eyes wide. “Oh. I’m sorry, Freude, I just...”

“Made accusations with no proof? Assumed the worst? Look, I get it, I annoy everypony. I have maybe three genuine friends, ever. And I may not apologize for being who I am, but that doesn’t mean my only defining feature is being an ass. I came here to do a job, and surprisingly, I take my job seriously. I have bills to pay, too, you know,” I finish, a little more gruffly than I’d like.

It doesn’t help that Twilight Sparkle is literally the only Princess who treats me like an actual villain, most of the time. Celestia and I actually get along. I wouldn’t go so far as to call her my friend, that does sound a little pompous, but we get on ok. Luna and I barely interact, though when we do, she treats me with the kind of stiff formality she uses on pretty much everypony she doesn’t know. Cadence and I go back and forth, but I never really get the feeling she dislikes me. I can accept that most everypony dislikes me, but very, very few ponies genuinely hate me. I have a sneaking suspicion Twilight is one of those.

“Again, I’m sorry, Freude. I just… I hear a lot of stories about you. Some of the stuff others say you’ve done, some of the stuff on the list, it just makes it hard to believe you aren’t always up to something.” She finished with a guilty look on her face, poking her own glass of punch with a distracted hoof.

I heave a sigh. Now I feel guilty. “Ok, look. About the list. You know how long that thing is, right?”

She looks back up at me. “Last I checked you were at a hundred fifty-seven.”

“Do you have any idea how long that list has been around?”

She thinks for a moment. “No, not really.”

I take a swig of punch. It’s really good. “That list got started, partly as a joke, when I was ten. That’s roughly two decades ago. That list didn’t happen all at once. Like, I don’t go out and do horrible, horrible things all the time. So I’m not about to go out and just ruin everypony’s day all at once, ok? There are days I don’t really do anything, just like most ponies. Sometimes, I just like to sit back and enjoy the party.”

Twilight looks pensive for a moment, then bows her head. “I’m sorry, Schaden. I’ve always had trouble judging a book by it’s cover. I thought that was a lesson I’d learned a long time ago, but I guess old habits die hard.” She raises her glass in a field of purple magic. I tap it with mine. “Truce?”

“Truce.”

We take a sip, and she goes off to enjoy the rest of the party. I down my glass, and get up to get some more.

I have my backside to the door, when it swings open with a loud bang. “Why, Princess Twilight! I didn’t know you were having a party! I thought we were friends, how could you not invite a friend?” whines a very familiar voice. I know only one being in all of Equestria that sounds like that.

I spin around in excitement, almost jumping out of my fur. “DIZZY!”

The draconequis turns his head and spots me waving wildly at him. “SCHADIE!”

“OH, FOR BUCK’S SAKE!” Twilight yells.

Schadencord (Technically Part 2 but Also Technically Eat Me)

Chapter 12: Schadencord (Technically Part 2 but Also Technically Eat Me)

So, for those of you who are curious, Twilight’s Castle does have a dungeon. However, I find myself in a strange position this time: I’m not the one locked in it.

Twilight is. I think she thinks it’s a panic room. With bars.

Look I don’t know she’s the Princess of Books or something shouldn’t she know this stuff?

“Twilight, you’re overreacting,” Discord says with what sounds like genuine concern. Well, -ish. “All Schadie and I did was say ‘hello.’”

She glares at him from the cot she’s curled up on. “Your version of ‘hello’ was to exchange heads and talk for an hour!”

Dizzy nods emphatically, as if Twilight had endorsed the idea. His mane sways while he does so. “Yes, and it’s been a wondrous conversation! I never knew how exciting catching up with an old friend could be!”

I feel my fang poke my lip when I smile. Takes some getting used to. “I agree. I have missed you, old pal. Although I must admit this antler is mighty awkward. I can’t imagine what kind of cleaner you use.” I scratch the appendage, punctuating the idea.

He waves a paw dismissively. “Oh, you get used to it after the first century or so. Although you do look mighty off-balance. Even for me,” he muses, amused. I think he also wrote that sentence. Maybe.

I shrug, which takes some effort given my neck and back muscles don’t technically align properly anymore. It’s like having the world’s stiffest muscles. Returning my attention to the Princess, I tap the bars curiously. “So why exactly did you feel the need to lock yourself away in prison? You know, for exposition’s sake.”

Discord chuckles, but Twilight ignores him. “Because it’s safer in my panic room until you two get out of your system whatever awful thing it is you’re going to do so I can go topside when your done and fix it!”

“Ok, first off, words hurt, Sparkle,” I deadpan, feigning an emotional wound. “Second. This is not a panic room! Believe me when I say I’ve seen plenty of them. Panic rooms don’t have big gaping holes in the door that make them look like, oh I don’t know, prison bars!”

She looks around, nonplussed. “It’s a work in progress!”

I roll my eyes, which seem to travel in different directions at different speeds. Which is mightily distracting. “Uh, Dizzy? Tag out?”

He nods, scratching an ear with his claw. “Agreed. Your head is mighty boring. No offense.”

“None taken.”

*POOF*

“Oh good, that’s where my sense of balance was,” I muse, taking a moment to regain my bearings. “I don’t think I’d make a very good draconequis.”

“Oh, pushaw,” says the actual draconequis. “Don’t sell yourself short. You’d do fine after the first decade or so!”

I feign a blush, which is much easier with my original face, and wave a bashful hoof. “Oh, you old charmer, you. So, Princess, you’re not coming out?”

“NO!”

I tap my chin, and an idea springs to mind. Which, thirty seconds ago, might have actually made my mind spring out of my head. That would have been extremely… interesting. “Well, Discord, I don’t think there’s anything we can do.”

Dizzy looks at me, surprised. “But we haven’t even tried anything yet! I have a whole bunch of ways we could-”

“Nope. It’s no use. She’s made up her mind. Come on old friend, let’s go help clean up. The party’s been over for a bit now, and we wouldn’t want to be ungrateful,” I say matter-of-factly, turning to leave. I can feel the suspicion coming off of Twilight.

Discord looks ready to protest, until I give him a sideways glance and a wink. Then he cues up. “Why yes, that would be rather shameful of us, to sit here and do nothing while everypony works so hard to clean the castle. Where do you think we should start?”

I tap my chin again. “Oh, I think maybe the library.”

*BAKOOM* The cell door flies across the room as Twilight bursts out of her cell. “SCHADENFREUDE VON DOUCHEHORSE! YOU WILL STAY. OUT. OF MY LIBRARY!”

Discord claps and whistles appreciatively. “Why Princess, I didn’t know you could be so… assertive! I’m all aflutter!”

I turn around slowly, a big smug grin on my face. “You broke your panic room.”

Twilight glares broadswords at me, then looks around at the huge whole in the wall where the door used to be, then at the crumpled mass of door. She takes a deep, ragged breath, and settles down. “Schadenfreude, just… just go clean up. AWAY FROM THE LIBRARY.”

I nod, and start trotting up the stairs. Discord follows me. “...von Douchehorse?”

“My dad was a strange and wonderful stallion.”

Welcome to Ponyville (Part 4)

Author's Note

There's now a Schadenfreude Group!

Get in here!

Welcome to Ponyville (Part 4)

Chapter 13: Welcome to Ponyville (Part 4)

I move along contentedly as I push a broom with my mouth, sweeping the confetti, bits of food, and assorted party debris into a neat pile. Some of the waitstaff had decided to stay behind and help clean, some were out in town seeing the sights, and one or two had gone to bed early. I didn’t begrudge the latter, being the cooks, who had to get up at a small hour to prepare breakfast.

The ones who left for Ponyville while us more responsible types stayed behind to clean, however, would be getting… ‘special attention’ this week. I smiled to myself as I thought of something rather distinct for each of them. I didn’t know them all very well, so I’d have to fall back on some more generic tricks, but I had ideas.

Something that was relatively apparent, as the pinkish unicorn trotted up to me, giving me a suspicious look. “You’re smiling. Twilight says that’s a bad thing.”

I scoff at her. “Why, that’s quite rude. Implying somepony isn’t allowed to smile! HEY PINKIE PIE!”

Starlight (I think that’s her name, can’t remember the last name) shudders. “Oh please, Celestia, no.”

Pinkie hops into the room, “What’s up, Schadendendenden?”

I point an accusing hoof at Starlight, and pout. “She said I’m not allowed to smile!”

“OhdearLunawhy,” the unicorn whimpers.

“UUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Pinkie gasps, practically inflating herself. “STARLIGHT! Of COURSE he’s allowed to smile! EVERYPONY is allowed to smile! I even have a whole SONG ABOUT SMILES!”

“No,” Starlight whispers, retreating into herself.

“Oh my gosh!” I gasp. “You DO?!”

“please stop.”

“Well, duuuhhhhhhhhhh,” Pinkie exclaims, hopping over to wrap a foreleg around each of us. “Wanna hear it?!”

“No please no no no,” Starlight mutters.

I smile really really big. The kind of smile that most ponies who know me run away from. In fact, a couple of maids who had been working in the room and slowly edging towards the door decide to just turn around and run.

“Of COURSE I do!”

“Schaden, why?”

“UUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-”

Twilight Sparkle walks down the hallway, muttering to herself. Well, more like grumbling, really. “Stupid Schaden and his stupid psychology and Discord and stuff...” she trailed off, the rest an unintelligible string of dissatisfied grunts. She stops, however, when she passed by the door to the main foyer.

There’s a loud noise emanating from the other side of the door. It’s harmonic, melodic, and very chipper. It also sounds very familiar. She cracks the door open just a little, and the song floods the hallway:

”Cause I love to make you smile, smile, smile!

(Yes I do!)

It fills my heart wit sunshine all the while!

(Yes it does!)

Cause all I really need’s a smile, smile, smile!

From these happy friends of mine!”

Twilight stares on in awe as Pinkie and I sing together in not-terrible harmony at the top of our lungs, while Starlight cowers between us, trying to make herself so small as to blow away in the wind. We both pause, and Twilight opens her mouth to ask one of many, many questions, until I yell out enthusiastically, “Twelfth verse, same as the first!”

“UUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAA-” Pinkie inhales, until Twilight interrupts.

“Guys! GUYS!” she barks, not being heard the first time. We stop, and look at the newcomer with big, welcome grins. “Hi Twilight!” Pinkie cheers. “You wanna join us? We’ve been singing the Smile Song!”

Twilight rubs her temples with her wingtips. “Oh, believe me, I know. But listen, Pinkie...” she trails off, trying to think of something to distract the party horse. “oh! Can you go help Rainbow Dash, um… do whatever Rainbow Dash is doing?”

Pinkie looks with concern at Starlight, who’s just kind of cowering and shaking. “But what about Starlight? She needs to learn all about how ponies can smile!”

Twilight looks at me with a measure of surprise as I turn to Pinkie and say, “Well, Pinkie, I know all about smiles now, and I’m sure Twilight’s read a bunch of books on the subject,” I drip in a bit of sarcasm that Twilight doesn’t miss, but Pinkie does, “So how about we teach her all about smiles while you go help Rainbow Dash?”

Seemingly complacent with the idea, Pinkie hops out of the room. “Okie-doki-loki!” she squeaks, rounding the corner and disappearing down the hall.

Twilight and I help Starlight to her hooves, as she slowly regains her composure amidst the now peaceful room. The pink unicorn looks to me with a pleading look. “Thank you. I, um… I think.”

The princess gives me an accusatory stare. “What exactly was that about?”

“Well, Princess,” I explain, “Starlight decided to come out of nowhere while I was cleaning and accused me of smiling, which she says I’m not supposed to do! So I asked Pinkie Pie for help in explaining why it’s so important that everypony be allowed to smile!” I'm more proud of this than I should be.

Twilight looks from Starlight to me and back, and sighs heavily. “Schaden, as much as I can understand that you were, for lack of a better term, provoked, maybe you could try going a little easier on the ponies that don’t know you? Like, give them some time to adjust to your… youness before dropping them in the deep end like that? I mean, just look at Starlight! She looks traumatized!”

I look meaningfully at Glimmer, who now has the expression of somepony who just wants to be anywhere else, really, and sighs. “Well, you do have a point. Ok, Starlight. I’m sorry I… did whatever it is you want to call what just happened. Maybe eleven renditions of Pinkie’s Smile Song is a little much for one sitting,” I apologize. I do feel a bit guilty. There is such a thing as overkill. But I mean, come on. Who tells somepony they can't smile?

The pink unicorn shakes herself off, and offers a small smile. “It’s ok. I really shouldn’t be so suspicious around ponies I don’t know, anyway.”

I drag them both into a big group hug. “See? Friendship Lesson learned!”

My hoof, and in fact, whole body is removed from the hug by a purple glow of telekinesis as Twilight drops me a good distance away. “Ok, now that that’s out of the way, I wanted to- wait. Where is Discord?”

I turn my head with an innocent smile. “Dizzy? Oh he’s cleaning the library!”

“WHAT?!”

“Don’t worry, I let him a bunch of notes! I know how particular you are,” I add with a wink.

“SCHADENFREUDE!”

Welcome to Ponyville (Part 5)

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Welcome to Ponyville (Part 6)

Chapter 15: Welcome to Ponyville (Part 6)

Spike and I had spent longer talking about comics than I’d expected. I’m almost late for my first scheduled task for the day: setting the table for Twilight’s friends, who are due to come over for lunch. The cooks just kind of waive me away at first when I ask what kind of dishware I’ll need. So I decide to just grab a large hooffull of unnecessary plate ware and balance it precariously on my way out.

After the yelling subsides, they give me a very specific list, written rather quickly, of all the dishes I actually need, with instructions on how many not to carry at one time. After that, setting the table is rather simple.

A few maids putter around the dining room while I set out place settings, some of which give me some rather impressive side-eye. I make a point to push a few potted plants around as I walk by, only to hear grumbling and the scraping of pottery on crystal as they put it back while I leave the room.

The next thing on my list is to collect some… stuff from the study and bring it into the map room, as they have some kind of activity planned for the afternoon. The list Twilight left is rather interesting, although after Blueblood’s demand for a thousand rubber duckies and a trebuchet last month, nothing surprises me anymore. Although that is an impressive amount of confetti she’s asking for. I have a small idea why, but I make a mental note to stay out of the room for awhile afterward. That stuff gets everywhere and it clashes horribly with my shade of brown.

I run into Spike a few times during my rounds, but we both seem to be keeping ourselves busy, and only make passing conversation. Soon, though, my work for the moment is done. I have a feeling Twilight doesn’t want to give me too much responsibility, for fear of me finding something new and interesting to do with it.

So, given my free time, I decide to explore Ponyville proper for awhile. I have a couple of hours before I’m due back to help with cleanup and setting places for dinner, and I’d taken a moderate amount of bits with me to do some local shopping. Small towns like this always have that home-made can’t-find-anywhere-else vibe to them that I’ve always loved. Canterlot may have some excellent craftsmareship, but these kind of cozy suburbs always have something new and interesting, because they don’t have to compete with some giant company or famous designer. They can just be them.

I’ve also heard that there’s a wicked party supply store nearby, and somepony stole all of my noisemakers. Now how am I supposed to wake up my boss every other other day without those?”

I stop and ask a few locals for directions, and find that the atmosphere is much like I expected. Welcoming, joyful, eager to meet new faces. Basically a town full of ponies who haven’t met me before.

Well, except one. I notice a familiar mare in the crowd, giving some serious consideration to a stand selling oats. “Hello, Derpy!” I call out. The blonde looks up and gives me a jovial wave, so I trot up to join her. “What are you doing?”

“Hi Schaden! I’m just trying to figure out what the best oats are for my new recipe. I’ve done oatmeal muffins before, but I really want to try something new,” she explains, returning her intense gaze to an assortment of oats.

The pony running the stall seems rather patient. I raise an eyebrow at him. “Is she a frequent customer?”

The stallion, sporting a purple coat and green mane, nods enthusiastically. “One of my best! She’s got a wicked eye for oats! She’s a great baker, too! Not like the Cakes, but I always try her new stuff!”

Derpy smiles widely at the praise, and points a wing at a bag of oats that, to me, look like all the others. I assume there is a bit of difference, but I’m not a trained eye when it comes to these things. “I’ll take this bag! And two more of it!”

The stall pony nods, gathering up her order. Then he tells her the price. Her ears droop a little. “Oh, I thought that said fifteen...”

The stallion shook his head. “Sorry, love, it’s twenty-five. Do you want to do just a partial order?”

Derpy thinks about it for a second, bt I’m quicker on the draw. I drop a bag of bits on the counter. Apparently Canterlot’s version of ‘moderate’ is Ponyville’s idea of ‘independently wealthy’. “Nah, this’ll cover it.”

The shopkeep gives me a nod and a knowing smile, while Derpy is all smiles, giving me a hug. “Awww, thank you! I’ve been wanting to try this recipe for weeks!”

I wait for a second so she can get all her energy out. It takes more than a moment. “Well, just as long as I get to try some when they’re done.”

She nods fervently. “Of course! You can come over for dinner tomorrow!” She smiles again, fits her new purchase into her saddlebags, and waves goodbye. “Bye!”

“Of course,” I say happily, giving a small nod. “Wouldn’t miss it.”

She takes off as I wave goodbye in return, only to turn around a few moments later. “Um, it was clear I was asking you out on a date, right? That’s how you do it?”

I find myself in a rare moment of being dumbstruck. “Um...”

“Just wanted to make sure! Ok bye!”

I take a few moments while the gears in my head grind back into place, watching her fly away. “Huh. Well that’s… new.”

Schaden the Great and Annoying

Chapter 16: Schaden the Great and Annoying

“I’m sorry, what?” Twilight asks, obviously unsure if she hear me correctly the first time.

“Date, tomorrow night. I have one,” I explain again. “I was wondering what the plan was for tomorrow so I could get my work done early.”

Twilight’s head seems to be stuck at an angle as she blinks repeatedly at me with a dumbfounded expression. “And, um… who, exactly are you going on a date with?”

“Her name is Derpy, she’s a pegasus in town who-”

“YES I KNOW WHO DERPY IS,” Twilight says quickly, he head snapping back into place. A maid dusting the furniture behind her jumps in surprise. “Schaden, I can’t believe you! Asking out a poor girl like that! What kind of awful idea are you brewing?”

Not much annoys me. It’s one of my few redeemable traits. But now I was annoyed. “You know, Twilight, not everything I do is to annoy or bother somepony. Sometimes I like to actually, you know, have a life. And not that I don’t deserve it a little bit, but didn’t we literally have a conversation about you being suspicious about me not two days ago?”

“I… right. You’re right,” she concedes, taking a deep breath. “Ok, let me try this again. Why did you ask Derpy out?”

A small smile warms my face. “Actually, I didn’t. She asked me.”

Twilight opens her mouth to ask another question, when a voice speaks up from a corner. “Makes sense,” says Starlight, not looking up from her book.

Twilight’s head pivots rapidly to look at her ‘student’. “How does that make sense?!”

There’s the sound of a book closing, and I follow Twilight’s gaze in time to see Starlight walking up to join the conversation. “Because I was talking to Derpy at the end of the party last night, and she was asking me who the ‘cute but weird butler stallion’ was. I told her I wasn’t sure, so she went off to ask a few other maids. Celestia knows what they said about him, but I guess it was all good,” Starlight explained.

That took me by surprise. Most of the waitstaff at the castle wouldn’t waste time badmouthing me. “That’s… interesting. I wonder who she talked to?” I wonder aloud.

“That would be me,” says the red and blue mare who was dusting a moment ago.

I cock my head to the side, mimicking Twilight’s earlier expression. “Say what now? I thought you all loved talking trash about me.”

She flips her hair, a dark blue lock that falls in front of one eye, and smiles a cheerless smile. “Oh, we do. But it’s also kind of a well-known rule that you’re usually on much better behavior when you’ve got a mare in your life. Like that one time you spent a couple of weeks trying to impress Princess Celestia. Quietest two weeks of my life.”

Twilight’s eye twitches as Starlight suppresses a giggle. Poorly. “You tried to hit on the Princess?” Twilight asks, in obvious disbelief.

I cringe at the memory. Not one of my finer moments. “Yes, yes I did. Very badly. We uh, we don’t talk about that. At least Celestia happens to be a very good sport about the whole thing. I believe she said something along the lines of me not being the worst suitor she ever had, but please don’t do it again,” I recall. “So wait, you said a bunch of nice things about me in an attempt to keep me from being an annoying prick?”

The maid nods fervently. “Yes. And please, please don’t screw this up. She seems like a genuinely nice mare. I kind of like her, actually. So like, don’t be a douche.”

The whole room of mares gives me a combination of pleading looks and serious glares. It’s not like I was planning on being a jerk to Derpy, anyways. “Well, fine. Ok. Just as long as you stop using ‘like’ in every other sentence.”

“...deal.”

The rest of the day seems to go by in a blur, as I spend most of the time trying to think of what I should bring on this date. Derpy said she was going to cook dinner, so bringing food would be in poor taste. I think about flowers for a moment, but that might also bee seen as bringing food. I’m not having any luck in this department, so I decide I need something to take my mind off of things.

Namely, the distraction of finding somepony to annoy. Having taken care of the fixings for lunch, and being rushed out of the castle so as not to bother Twilight’s guests, I find myself walking around Ponyville again.

Then a familiar voice echoes through the streets. One I haven’t heard in a rather long time. It’s almost nostalgic. And exactly the distraction I was looking for.

“Come one, come all! COME SEE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE!”

“Dear Celestia, if you can hear this, thank you,” I say to the sky. Following the voice is easy, as it’s soon accompanied by the lights of fireworks and the sound of spinning decorations. The stage soons come into view as I round a street corner, and there’s somewhat of a crowd gathered around the display.

Trixie herself is standing on her hind legs, posing for all to see, before engaging the crowd. I’m surprised to see she isn’t doing her usual ‘Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better’ shtick. Instead, she’s starting with some typical tricks and spells, showing off some mildly impressive talent as she works the crowd. I ease my way between a few ponies, and sit back to watch the show.

It’s one of my easiest, yet cruelest tricks: all I do is sit in one place, and stare at her. Unblinking, only moving my head as she does, I keep the rest of myself as still as possible. To anypony else, it appears that I’m just extremely interested in the performance.

To a performer, it’s like having a statue follow your every move on stage. Bridleway actors especially tend to dislike this.

At first, Trixie doesn’t notice. She’s busy doing her show, interacting with some exciting looking fillies. Then, when she takes off her hat to pull something out of it, she sees me. We make eye contact for a moment, and her stage persona falters, just for a second. I can almost see her knees buckle, but she moves past it, and keeps on with the trick. She obviously recognizes me. She does some rather impressive magic, including a trick with her cape and a bunch of birds that I find genuinely impressive. I should tell her that later, as an apology.

She goes on for a few minutes before the symptoms start to set it. She keeps looking back at me. She gets a bit more grandiose with her tricks, trying to break my expression. But I have much more practice in not showing emotion than she does in eliciting it.

To my surprise, however, she makes it through her entire performance. Which is a stark contrast to our last encounter, in which she actually dove off the stage at me.

As she wraps up, I decide to do her the courtesy of a proper round of applause, like the rest of the crowd. It helps that she seems to have mellowed out as a narcissist since I last met her. She disappears behind her curtain as the crowd parts, and I follow a couple of ponies around to the side to say hi to her face to face.

I stand in line for a moment as she signs some pictures and toy hats, until it’s my turn to say hello. I don’t even get a word out before her smile disappears. “Oh look. It’s you again. What exactly has Trixie done to deserve this, again?” she moans.

“Actually, I just wanted to say I really enjoyed that performance. You’re getting better with the crowd, it seems. I really enjoyed that bit with the birds,” I offer, with a smile.

She relaxes a bit. “Thank you. Trixie doesn’t supposed there’s an apology anywhere in there?”

“Pffft, no.”

Trixie sighs. “Well, you can’t win them all. Now, what exactly are you doing in Ponyville?”

“Oh, I work for Twilight now,” I explain.

She blinks. Then blinks again. “OH COME ON!”

Schaden the Great and Annoying (Part 2)

Chapter 17: Schaden the Great and Annoying (Part 2)

“TWILIGHT SPARKLE!” Trixie roars at the front door. After hearing that I also worked for the Princess, Trixie had stormed off straight for the castle. I tagged along because there was no way I was going to miss this.

There’s a silence as Trixie’s outburst is met with no response. “TWILIGHT!” she yells again. “YOU GET YOUR FLANK OUT HERE RIG-”

WHAM. A smaller door set in the giant crystal door smacks Trixie in the muzzle as Rainbow Dash throws it open. “Whaddya want, Trixie?!”

The showmare stumbles around, trying to regain her bearings with a comically dizzy expression on her face. Shaking her head and straightening herself out, she charges right past Rainbow Dash, barking after her apparent rival the whole time.

I just shrug at Dash, and walk into the castle. I mean, I kind of live here for now, anyway, so eh.

I find Trixie staring dumbfounded ad the dining room, which is wonderfully decorated, as Twilight sits around the table with all of her friends, being waited on by the rest of the staff. The magician’s jaw is almost to the floor as she witnesses the spectacle of efficiency that is the royal treatment. “I… whuh… bwuh?” She stutters.

Twilight grins sheepishly as a blush creeps across her cheeks. “Um, hi Trixie. I… well, I admit it is a bit much, but apparently it’s my royal duty to offer employment opportunities in my castle, so… now I have maids? And cooks? And a butler,” she adds with a sense of distaste, giving me a casual level of side-eye.

Please. Try harder. I barely felt that.

Trixie looks to me, aghast. “You’re a butler? A royal butler?! HOW?!”

I shrug. “A combination of being a continuous pain in the ass to all the right ponies, being an almost perfect counter to Prince Blueblood’s absolute dicketry, and, to be honest, a lot of rather uncouth begging.”

“Blueblood?! You work in the Royal Palace in Canterlot?!” She shrieks, almost blowing out an eardrum.

Twilight groans. “Yes. He’s here on loan while I gather some more permanent waitstaff. Believe me, he’s going home as soon as I can get him there.”

“Wha-ba-how?! HOW IS THIS FAIR?! Trixie spends her whole life traveling around and entertaining all kinds of ponies! Why did none of them ever offer Trixie a royal job?!” she whines.

Twilight’s eyes narrow. “Maybe because you are -were, I’m sorry- even more annoying and a bigger danger to the public than he is?”

Trixie scoffed. “How is that possi-”

“Ursa minor,” Twilight interjects. “Alicorn Amulet. The Cutie Map incident. Should I go one?” she drawls, unamused.

Trixie stops, mid-word, her mouth hanging open. She slowly closes it, and looks at her own hooves. After a moment, she seems to gain a second wind, and points an accusing hoof at me. “But he’s, he’s him! An unapologetic disaster who coasts through life on a whim and never pays for anything!”

I raise an eyebrow. “Excuse me? I pay for plenty. Do you have any idea how many nights I’ve spent in the dungeon? How many places I’m not even allowed near in Canterlot? How many businesses refuse to serve me on basic principle? Ponies I’ve never met kick me out of their shops because I might do something to annoy them. I can list how many genuine crimes I’ve committed on a post-it note. Some guards just throw me in the dungeon preemptively. And on the other side I can count the number of genuine friends that I have. So yes, please explain to me how somepony who tried to enslave a town and set a magical beast the size of a three-story building loose on the populace, who’s never set hoof in a dungeon for any of that, gets to complain about me walking through life unscathed?”

Her hooves once again become the most interesting thing in the room. “Well, the Ursa Minor wasn’t my fault...”

I look to Twilight, who shrugs with a look that says “She’s not wrong.”

I roll my eyes and sigh. “Ok, I’m sorry about the Ursa thing. But still, you have to admit there’s a little bit of pot calling the kettle black going on here.”

Trixie looks up at me apologetically. “Well, ok. Trixie is sorry.”

I smile and nod. “And I’m sorry about replacing all your fireworks with silly string launchers. And lining the bottom of your trapdoor room with honey and feathers. And the itching powder in your cape. And-”

“OK, TRIXIE GETS IT.”

Rainbow Dash interrupts with a loud, poorly suppressed laugh. “Did you really do all that?”

“Yeah, of course I did. Trixie used to do the Canterlot circuit all the time before the nobles discovered they didn’t like having somepony more stuck up than they were rolling around in a wooden cart with explosives attached to it. Yes, Trixie, fireworks are explosives, it’s called gunpowder. So of course I caught wind of it. And how could I not screw with someone so self-absorbed? You’ve met my boss, right?!”

Twilight gives me an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, Schaden. I didn’t realize life was so hard for you.”

I pause, then burst out laughing. “Hard?! Please! My life is awesome! I work in a castle and my job is annoying the biggest prick on the planet! How is any of that hard?”

The princess looks taken aback. “But… I thought-”

“Pffft,” I waive a hoof dismissively. “Nah, I’m fine. I’m just like, the best at guilt trips.”

I notice movement out of the corner of my eye just in time to throw my hooves up as Trixie dives at me, teeth bared. “NOT THE FACE!”

As Trixie took out what felt like a lifetime of frustrations on any place her hooves could reach, Twilight simply looked off into space, and deadpanned, “No. Trixie, stop. That’s my butler. Oh No. Stop. Not the tail. No.”

No Good Very Bad Morning

Chapter 18: No Good Very Bad Morning

Twilight, after my thorough beating, had been kind enough to heal me up afterward. Last night was still a rough night for sleep, though. Which meant I woke up this morning rather grumpy.

Which also means that I’m going to be a righteous pain in the flank today. I start my day by making my way down to the kitchen to help Spike with breakfast. Not being one of the primary causes of my current discomfort, I give my new little dragon buddy a pass. Especially since I remain exceptionally flammable, and probably delicious. The rest of the newly-established kitchen staff, however, is not exempt from my soon-to-be rampage of nasty-not-niceness.

Of course, I’m also too tired to be especially creative, so I settle for switching the labels on the sugar and salt bins. And make a mental note to eat breakfast, and possibly lunch, in town today. While we’re walking up to Twilight’s room, chatting somewhat (I don’t make for great conversation on little sleep), I pause halfway up, and tell Spike I’ll see him later, there’s something else I need to do.

That something, of course, being to find a screwdriver, and altering the hooks on every painting I can find, putting them off-center and leaving them in a permanent tilt. This is much easier to accomplish here than at the Royal Palace, due to the lack of ponies around every corner and the staff’s tendency to get lost. I find one particularly long hallway that leads to a rather important-looking room that’s just lined with all kinds of pictures of Twilight and her friends.

It takes me an hour to alter them all.

Soon enough, it’s time for me to set the dinging room table for lunch. Though there aren’t as many place settings, seeing as how the Princess isn’t expecting all of her friends all at once again. Which means my job is done relatively quickly. Though not without replacing all the salad forks with tiny annoying dessert forks, all the teaspoons with soup spoons, and turning the knives so they face away from the plate.

Also half the fruit in the bowl is plastic. I remind myself to find the pony who crafted the plastic fruit, as it’s terribly well made, and very convincing. The castle could use some.

It’s about noon when I remember that I actually have a date tonight. Thankful that Rarity is not one of the ponies attending lunch, and reminding myself to go find something to eat away from the castle, I make my way to the unicorn’s boutique to possibly find myself a decent suit, or maybe just a proper vest to wear.

The boutique is a rather colorful affair, I find, having not had occasion to visit it in my earlier adventures. There’s a rather pretty ‘We’re Open’ sign on the front door, so I walk in, being greeted by the chime of a small bell, followed shortly by a rather posh, feminine voice saying, “Coming!”

Rarity walks into the front room just as I find an out-of-the-way place to stand, and gives me a hesitant smile. “Oh, hello! Schaden... freude, was it?”

I nod. “Yep. Though I’m not actually Germane.”

“I see. What brings you to my shop today?” she asks politely.

“Well, it seems I have a date tonight,” I explain.

She practically explodes. “Oh, of course dear! Now, what kind of date is it? Are you going to some fabulous restaurant? Have you decided where you are going? Oh, what kind of activities do you have planned?” She rambles on a few more questions that I have trouble following.

“Actually, I’ve been invited over to dinner. At… her house,” I explain. I’m not sure if sharing my date’s name is appropriate, as I don’t know how tightly knit this community is. Also, when I mentioned her to Twilight she got really mad.

“Ooh, a private affair, I see! Well, you’ll certainly need something classy, if a bit understated. You never want to show up at somepony’s house dressed better than they are!” she explains, a tidbit I wasn’t aware of. I’m not sure if that’s just her opinion, or an unspoken rule, but she seems to be rather versed in such things, so I take her advice.

“I was thinking maybe a vest of some kind, a hat… maybe some kind of accessory,” I muse, looking around some of the display racks. Not surprisingly, most of the clothing is for mares, so I don’t find much in the vein of what I’m looking for.

“Well, dear, you’re not going to find anything like that on those racks! It’s rather rare that I have occasion to make clothes for a stallion,” she explains. “Not to mention most of the stallions here are a bit more… robust,” she adds politely.

I’d take offense if I wasn’t such a skinny bitch. Although, given my current mood, I have to remind myself not to mess with anything here. I try to go out of my way not to interfere with a pony’s livelihood. “Well, at least you don’t need to use so much fabric,” I joke half-heartedly.

She looks me up and down, appraising my appearance. “Oh don’t worry, darling. I’ve definitely worked with worse. You might be… more slightly built, but your coloration is wonderful. I think I’ll have just the thing in a few hours. Of course, I’ll need to take your measurements,” she explains, pulling out a measuring tape.

“I don’t know if I have a couple-OOF,” I grunt, as her magic whisks me away to a raised platform, where she begins measuring me from all angles. Some of which I’m pretty sure I need an adult for.

And thus begins my afternoon as the world’s snarkiest mannequin.

Date Night (Part 1)

Chapter 19: Date Night (Part 1)

The closer tonight seems to get, the more nervous I seem to become. The date itself seems like a simple affair: show up to Derpy’s house, have dinner, talk politely. All the stuff we are trained as castle staff to be able to do from day one. It was less about the fact that I was going to sit down to dinner with anice, attractive mare, and more the fact that everypony I’ve talked to all day seems to have an overprotective streak of this pegasus, who seems to be the town’s lovable goofball.

Which means I have to go out of my way not to annoy her, or pretty much the entirety of Ponyville will do horrible things to my unconscious body. A sentiment I believe one mare actually said, word for word, come to think of it.

I’m relatively well-dressed, Rarity having settled on a simple brown pinstriped vest and button-down shirt, which I had to resist the urge to alter in annoyingly noticeable ways.

Her house is a simple cottage, which stands out from its neighbors by sheer virtue of being mildly… askew. The front door and window look like they have been reinstalled more than once. The steps look slightly warped, and some of the paint is uneven. It’s like looking at a house designed by… me. It’s oddly charming.

I make my way up the steps, a little wobbly in some places, and knock on the door. “Just a second!” a tomboyishly adorable voice calls out, and I hear some shuffling, and a loud thud, before the door shakes a second. Then there’s another thud and the door pops open. On the other side is Derpy, who has her hair brushed back into a very soft and fluffy cascade over her shoulders. She’s wearing a rather flattering blue over-the-shoulder number, accentuated by a white stud earring. All in all she looks rather pretty.

“I’m sorry, the door takes a bit of work to get it open after the last time I replaced it,” she explains sheepishly.

I look over the frame for a moment, with a general idea of the problem. Looking down at the bottom of the frame, I notice that part of it is warped upwards. Something I’ve done to the doors in my guest rooms more than once. As well as my coworker’s. I give it a quick stomp, and an appraising look, then step back. “Ok, try it again,” I say.

Derpy gives me a curious look, but closes the door again. A second later, it opens just fine. “Wow! How’d you know?”

“That’s… a long story,” I explain. “You look lovely.”

She blushes a little, and motions me inside. “Thanks. You, too!”

I trot inside, and get a good look around the house,. It’s a little askew in all kinds of places. Honestly, it’s kind of homey. “How’d you do that?” Derpy asks, tilting her head.

“What, the door? There was a warp in the wood-”

She shakes her head. “No, not that. That,” she elaborates, pointing at the rug. It’s hitched in one corner where a wooden plank sits a half inch above the rest. “Nearly everypony trips over that.”

Which is why I do that to my bedroom floor, I muse to myself. “Just lucky, I guess.”

She seems to be okay with that answer, as she changes gears and heads for the kitchen. I follow her, and take a seat on a stool at the island. “Well, I told you I was gonna make dinner, so I hope you like bread pudding!”

It’s my turn to quirk my head. “I thought you made muffins?”

She laughs. “Muffins are for breakfast, silly! Anyway, this was the only thing I could think to make that used those oats you bought me!”

“I thought you were going to use those for a certain recipe?” I ask.

“Oh, I did!” She gestures to a wooden box on the counter with a glass door. There’s a bunch of muffins in it. “But I had a bunch of oats left over, and I did say I was gonna cook them for you!”

She pulls a large bake pan out of the oven, and there’s a wonderful nutty, cinnamon-y scent that wafts through the room. “That smells delicious!”

She serves me a plate, then herself, though not without getting some on her muzzle. I take a paper towel and wipe it off, which makes her blush. “...sorry,” she says after a moment.

“Don’t worry about it. I clean up after a giant manfoal,” I joke.

She doesn’t seem to get it, and continues on. “So, bone appetite?”

Close enough. “Sure.” I take a bite of the dish, and it’s both the sweetest and most savory thing I’ve ever eaten. Honestly, it’s a little overwhelming, and I can feel my arteries painting picket signs already, but it’s delicious. Which I guess becomes apparent as I take a few more bites rather quickly, momentarily forgetting my manners.

I stop myself when I see Derpy laughing into her hoof. “So, um… you like it?” she jokes.

It’s my turn to blush, as I wipe my mouth with a towel. “Yes. Yes I do.”

She smiles warmly. “Good,” she says, taking a bite of her own. Her reaction isn’t quite as enthusiastic as mine, but she seems proud of her work. “Ooh, these oats are so good!” she cheers, making the most adorable expression.

We eat and chat amicably for a while, and I find myself in a curious position. It’s been a while since I’ve genuinely wanted to spend more time with somepony, in a way that doesn’t drive them, or somepony else, up the walls. It’s a nice, open conversation, and we open up to each other, a little bit. She explains how she has a roll of bad luck, and seems to have a habit of causing accidents, or being a general inconvenience. It sounds like, well, what I do, only not on purpose. Yet she seems happy here, having found a bunch of ponies who get along with her and accept her rather well. It makes me happy for her to hear her story.

“So, what do you do?” she asks, after relating her experiences as a local mailpony.

“Oh, I’m Prince Blueblood’s butler. Right now I’m filling in as temporary staff at Twilight’s castle until she hires her own butlers and cooks and stuff. There’s not that much for me to do around here, honestly. I doubt she’ll be hiring her own butler when I leave, as she’s already got a personal assistant,” I find myself suppressing the urge to ramble.

She nods with a smile. “That sounds… kind of boring, actually.”

I chuckle. “Oh, I assure you, it’s not. He lives a very eventful life, and Ponyville has been a treat to visit.”

Her smile grows wider, and more genuine. “That sounds better! But I was actually more curious about, well, you. Like, what’s your special talent?”

Hoh boy. “Well, it’s kind of hard to explain. Um, do you know what Schadenfreude means?”

She nods, “Yeah, I looked it up when I got home yesterday. Something about like, finding joy in the misfortune of others, or something? It sounds kind of mean, actually.”

I look away nervously, with half a smile. “Yeah… that’s kind of what I do. Like, my special talent is finding new and interesting ways to annoy people.”

She pouts, giving me a disapproving look. “Well, hmm. Not sure how to feel about that. I mean, it’s your special talent, so it’s not exactly something you can control, right? But at the same time, it kind of makes you sound like-”

“-a douchebag?”

She snorts. “I was going to say jerk, but okay. So what, you just… go around annoying people?”

“Kind of. I specialize in subtle practical jokes, like… ok, that thing with the door? I do that to the door to my room so ponies have a hard time getting it open. Or I’ll rearrange books on a shelf in a library so ponies have to spend extra time looking for them. Little things like that. Sometimes I do bigger pranks, but that’s like, five percent of everything,” I add.

“So that thing with the rug?” she asks, gesturing towards the door.

I nod. “I do that at my place.”

“On purpose?”

“Not like, a really big lump or anything. Ponies getting hurt isn’t funny to me. I just like watching them get annoyed or frustrated. I don’t do like, gross stuff either. That’s cheap, and if you’ll pardon the pun, dirty humor,” I suddenly feel the urge to occupy myself with another bite of food.

She shrugs. “Well, as long as you don’t go around hurting other ponies. I mean, I may be a klutz, but you should see some of the pranks Rainbow Dash pulls. Some of them are just mean.”

“So… my special talent doesn’t bother you?” I ask hesitantly.

“Well, no. I mean, it does a little, but that’s who you are, you know? You can’t help being… annoying any more than I can help being a klutz. It’d be kinda backwards if I got all mad at you for being you. Just as long as you don’t like, do anything super super bad. Besides, I’ve met ponies a LOT more annoying than that, and we’re still friends,” she explains.

“Really? How is THAT possible?”

She rolls her eyes. “Trust me, there’s this girl I know who like, screams at everything. She’s scared of her own shadow. At first it was cute. Now it’s like, where’s the volume control?”

“I-” I don’t complete the sentence as a high-pitched shriek pierces the room. I jump up in alarm, almost flipping my plate, until I see Derpy hasn’t moved. “Um...”

“Give it a minute.”

A few seconds pass, and we hear through the window. “Oh, sorry! Just a broom!”

Derpy sighs and takes another bite. “Like I said.”

Date Night (Part 2)

Chapter 20: Date Night (Part 2)

The rest of dinner is a rather enjoyable affair. After we move past the screaming next door, which Derpy informs me is her neighbor Daisy, one of a group of sisters with… anxiety issues, we move on to chatting amicably in her living room. She’d lamented earlier the lack of social activities in her house, as she doesn’t usually have visitors.

“Well, I think we seem to be doing just fine without any distractions,” I comment, after we’d been happily conversing over a cup of tea for near a quarter of an hour. She’d been curious about the finer details of my work, and I’d inquired as to how a mailpony gets so involved in cooking, which she’d happily answered.

She smiles, nodding and giving me a wistful smile. “Yeah, it’s… nice. Mostly I don’t get to sit down and just talk with anypony like this. Although I do have to say I’m surprised you haven’t… what’s that term you’d used earlier? ‘Schadened Up’ the conversation?

I chuckle awkwardly. “Well, mostly that only happens when I’m either very bored or… dissatisfied with my conversation partner. Neither of which I think you have to worry about.”

“So… what kind of stuff leads you to being...”

“A pain in the flank?” I finish for her, saving her the necessity of less-than-polite language.

“Yes, that,” she conceded.

“Well, for the most part I just try to annoy ponies who either annoy me or somepony else. I find it both more satisfying and less troublesome if the pony has earned it to some degree. That isn’t to say I don’t mess with ponies who don’t deserve it, which is where most of my reputation comes from, but I’m much more likely to… act on impulse if I don’t like them. And I’m generally the type of pony who likes everypony unless they give me a reason not to,” I explain, punctuating my exposition with a sip of really good jasmine tea.

She tilts her head. “So why does Twilight dislike you so much?”

Another nervous laugh. “That’s… kind of an ongoing thing. When I first met Twilight, she was just a Princess fresh out of the gate, and she’d asked for some help in the Royal Canterlot Library.” I relate to her the story of Twilight trying to correct my Cute Mark. “Since then it’s been kind of a constant that she generally disapproves of my very presence, and I find new and interesting ways to… justify that concern.”

She gives me a wry smile. “So basically, you’re both jerks to each other, but you actually enjoy it?”

“Pretty much that. There’s a few ponies like her that I have similar relationships with. Some moreso than others, some less,” I muse.

“Like the other Princesses?”

This time my laugh is genuine. “Ha! No way. Princess Celestia and I have this kind of… underlying respect for each other. It’s hard to explain. I used to have an… ill-advised crush on her, but now it’s more like… I don’t know. She’s got a mischievous streak to her that she, being a pony in her position, can’t act on as much as she likes. She’s confided in me more than once that the primary reason she puts up with me, besides my being the only pony in Equestria who can not only tolerate Blueblood’s presence, but actively enjoys it, is that she takes a kind of weird vicarious joy in the shenanigans I get up to. To a point. There are a few… things we don’t agree on.”

Derpy looks like she wants me to elaborate, but doesn’t ask me to. Instead, she asks, “What about Princess Luna? Or Cadence? Do you talk to them much, being in the castle all the time?”

“Not really,” I respond with a shrug. “I mean, Cadence doesn’t like me much at all, but that’s mostly just leftovers from some old annoyances. We haven’t really interacted much, and the few times we have I may have been more annoying than necessary. Although it was really quite funny watching her explain to Shining Armor why their foal’s first word was ‘buck’.”

She snorts with a laugh, and tea goes everywhere. “Oh, Celestia, it’s in my nose!” She coughs a bit, and I hand her a kerchief. “Thank you. Oh, tell me you didn’t teach their foal to curse?”

“Oh, no. That was actually kind of a happy byproduct. They’d brought their foal to the castle to meet her Aunts, and had left them with a maid who… well, let’s just say she’s one of those ponies I pester because I think she deserves it. So after one particularly well-timed loosened salt shaker, she decided to… vocalize her displeasure. In front of the baby.”

She laughs again, carefully moving the tea away from her mouth. “And Luna?”

I shudder. “Well, to be honest, she just scares the stuffing out of me. And it’s not that whole Nightmare Moon thing. I mean, yeah, eternal night would have sucked, but there’s worse ways to live.”

Derpy raises an eyebrow. “So what about her scares you?”

“Well, there’s the dream-walking thing. It’s kind of unnerving that one of the leaders of Equestria can hop in and out of your most private subconscious moments on a whim. I mean, she’s very professional about it, but still. She also has a tendency to just like, show up at random. She’s like a sneaky ninja princess who-”

“SCHADENFREUDE!”

“Gah!” I start, falling out of my chair. Derpy almost spills her tea as she squeaks in surprise.

After gathering our bearings, Derpy and I both head outside to the source of the yelling. Opening the door, I’m actually surprised at how little I’m surprised that it’s Princess Luna. “Who does that,” I finish, pointing a hoof at the princess.

Luna raises an eyebrow at the gesture, no doubt sure that she’s missing some context, but quickly ignores it. “SCHADEN, YOUR PRESENCE IS REQUESTED BACK AT THE CASTLE!”

“Luna,” I deadpan, as Derpy covers her ears.

“YES?!”

“Royal Canterlot Voice.”

“OH-oh. My apologies. We… I still have a tendency to fall back on its use when addressing Royal matters,” she explains, with a polite bow to Derpy.

“Oh, that’s ok, Daisy is MUCH louder,” my date explains. Which is an… alarming statement.

“I see,” Luna says, also surprised by that information. “Well, as I have already iterated, your presence is requested back at the castle.”

I roll my eyes. “What, did Princess Twilight write a latter to Celestia about how I was being… me?”

Luna shook her head. “No. This is not a punishment. Although I have no doubt she will be… pleased to hear of your early departure.”

Derpy gave me a downcast look. “Aw, do you really have to go?”

“Apparently, yes. As much as I thought I’d never actually say this in context, I must go, my country needs me,” I joke.

It’s a joke she gets, which makes me smile as she laughs a little. “Well, you know where I live,” she says encouragingly, planting a small kiss on my lips. She misses a little and smooches my nose. “Oh, sorry,” she adds meekly.

I smile and give her a proper kiss, a bit longer than the first. “Yes, I’ll definitely be back.”

Luna leads me away, to a chariot some two blocks away. As we take off, I wave down to Derpy, who waves back with a big smile. “So, what’s the big emergency that I need to come back?”

“It’s… my nephew,” she sighes. “Apparently Prince Blueblood, in your multiple-day absence, has found himself some trouble to get into. Your… expertise is needed to ‘reel him back in’ as it were.”

“So, let me get this straight. You’re calling me back to the capital for the express purpose of annoying my boss into behaving again?” I ask in disbelief.

“...yes.”

I smile one of those big wide smiles that usually precludes a lot of crying on somepony else’s part. Somepony very, very specific. “Oh, it’s game time.”

Castle-Insania

Chapter 21: Castle-Insania

Returning to the castle so soon wasn’t exactly in my plans, but after Luna had filled me in on the details, I felt more than obliged to attend to my duties. Apparently Blueblood had taken advantage of my absence to return to all of his old bad habits, verbally abusing the staff, making ridiculous demands of the city council, and generally making a righteous pain in the flank out of himself.

Luna and I arrive on the roof of the building, where she and I go our separate ways. Her, returning to her duties as Princess of the Night, and me, to track down a certain self-righteous bunghole and make his night miserable. Of course, according to my normal decrees, I couldn’t exactly go near him until morning, so I went about the rest of his usual stomping grounds in the castle, righting some wrongs and returning my own personal sense of order to his pompous chaos.

I work through the night, making some necessary changes, and talking to a few certain members of the night shift who weren’t totally put-off by my presence. They were more than happy to help me out if it meant dealing with my particular brand of assholishness as opposed to Bluey’s, so we got quite a lot done.

I also wrote a few letters to some night-owl members of the council, not expecting much, and being pleasantly surprised when they, too, had grown weary of Blue’s latest outburst of… himself over the last week, eager to get things back to normal. With the added bonus of sticking their ‘Prince’ where it hurt.

The next morning arrives rather quickly, and I find myself a little tired. Although it’s hardly the first workday I’ve done on little sleep, and I seem to be running both on vindication, and the slight buzz from my rather successful encounter with a certain adorable mailmare. Soon enough, of course, it’s six o’clock in the morning, and time for my boss to get up.

The butler who had been taking over my responsibilities, bless his heart, made a valiant attempt to get Blueblood out of bed the normal way, only to be yelled at and threatened with quite a few legal actions I happen to know for a fact Blueblood didn’t have the power or influence to carry out. I patted the dejected butler on the back as he walked out of the room, more than happy to leave things to me, as I let the door softly click shut.

Only to burst it open again with as many party whistles a I could fit into my mouth.

*FWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*

Our ‘beloved’ prince fell out of bed with such enthusiasm I thought that maybe it had tried to bite him. “WHAT THE TARTARUS-Oh god it’s you,” he groaned, his rage subsided with a wave of disappointment as I marched into the room. “What the Tirek are you doing here? I thought you’d be gone for weeks!”

“You did!” I answered gleefully, throwing open his armoire carelessly, picking out the most obnoxious suit I could find. “Get dressed, you have a very busy day ahead of you!”

He pulled the clothes off his face with a stern look. “I know for a fact that I have no plans for today-” he started to argue, before I pulled out a really big list.

“On the contrary, you have a six-thirty meeting with the city planning board about your request to zone and build a new hotel in downtown Canterlot, then an eight o’clock breakfast with Aunt Luna and Celestia, OH! And Cadence will be there! Then there’s your ten o’clock with the disciplinary board about your community service, then lunch with the delegates from the Changeling Nation. At one o’clock you have a rather important meeting with the Royal Canterlot Orchestra, then the Canterlot Safety and Security Board has requested a two o’clock with you. Also there’s tea with Celestia and Discord at three-thirty, then your meeting with the Equestrian National Unicorn Society, which should actually take a while, those guys love to run their mouths. Then dinner with Luna, and finally you and I need to do our performance review before I clock off for the night!”

Each word out of my mouth seemed to slightly adjust some kind of palette dial in Blueblood’s face, as he grew more and more red as I spoke. “You did this, didn’t you?”

I gave him my most genuine, happy, dangerous smile. “No, Prince. YOU did.”

“REJECTED?!” Blueblood shouts to the rooftops, as he bust out of the meeting hall in indignant rage. “How dare they reject my hotel! Who’s the brilliant moron who pointed out that that block was a historical site anyways?!”

“Gee, I wonder,” I muse to myself, trotting loyally alongside.

Blueblood and I walk slowly out of the dining hall, his head hung low while I beamed with pride. His Aunts and Cousin had wasted no time in serving him every backhanded comment, every disapproving glance, and every “tut-tut” in their arsenal. Between their combined experience as Royal Sovereigns, babysitters, aunts, and in Cadence’s case, parenthood, they had lobbed every guilty trick in the book at him over the last half hour that they were capable of.

“So what’s next?” I ask cheerfully, pulling out the list.

“DOUBLE!” he shouts, again bursting out of the meeting hall in a royal huff. “They served me DOUBLE my sentence, simply for missing a few days!”

“Yes, it’s almost as if somepony had pointed out all of the compoundable offenses you’d committed to them in some rather detailed overnight letter,” I thought aloud.

He glared at me horribly. I beamed.

Once again, Blueblood walked slowly and shamefully out of the room. This time, covered in green changeling goo. “Not a word.”

“You called them cheeselegs.”

“NOT. A WORD.”

“That’s like, a massive racial slur in Changeling vernacular.”

“SCHADEN.”

“Just saying.”

“A RESTRAINING ORDER?! HOW?!” Blueblood yelled, waving the piece of paper in front of him vigorously.

“Maybe somepony pointed out to their conductor that sending notice to civilian mares informing them of your intent to start a harem, and requesting their presence, was made a sexual harrasment charge over a hundred years ago? Just a guess.”

“SHUT UP, SCHADEN.”

“THEY. TOOK DOWN. MY STATUE.” He yelled, storming out of the meeting room again.

“Yes. Who knew that it was positioned in such a place as to block a certain traffic light from view at a specific angle as to render the entire statue a major traffic violation. Did you know that? They sure did. Somehow.”

He just growled incomprehensibly as we made our way to the tea room.

I wasn’t even talking as we walked. I was just laughing. Hard, and loud. I almost couldn’t keep up.

Where Prince Blueblood’s Cutie Mark had been, and, in fact, along the rest of his side, were printed the words “Kick me, I’m a Stoopy Poopy Scare-a-dy Pony” in bright red letters.

He walked along with a slight limp, as a large red hoofmark shone on his flank. He said nothing.

“They kicked me out,” he said hollowly. All the air had left him, it seems.

“Who knew they could fill an entire two hours with every violation you’d ever committed against the Equestrian National Unicorn Society? That was a very well-organized list, too.”

The doors to the dining room burst open, as Blueblood ran screaming. I simply trotted along, confident that I’d catch up with him. Luna simply chuckled behind me.

I was starting to like her.

Blueblood slammed his head against the desk, making the rather large stack of papers next to him bounce with each impact.

I continued to read off the list. “Reason two hundred seventy-five I’m legally entitled to a raise...”

The One Without Schadenfreude In It

Author's Note

Welp, that's the end, folks. I know a lot of you might be disappointed, but unlike the other two stories that I've drawn to a close today, this one ends for a very different reason:

It's not fun anymore.

I first created Schadenfreude as a one-off idea a long time ago. Just something stupid based on a song I liked. When a bunch of people liked it, I ended up writing a sequel. Then another. Then this story happened. Honestly, I just wanted a good place to dump all the stupid jokes and stuff that pop into my head. For a long time, it was a lot of fun. I was really excited about what I was writing, so I kept doing it. Now, I just feel like I'm tapping an empty keg. And it doesn't help that people have decided to take a random-ass story about a douchebag who happens to work in the castle and turn it into a massive argument.

That's not what I wrote this story for. I wrote it for shits and giggles. And the gigles seem to have left the building.

So I'm retiring Schadenfreude for a while. I may revisit him, as he seems perfect for short stories, but trying to drag him out into a prolonged narrative seems to be more trouble than it's worth.

That's not to say I'm dissatisfied with what I've written. I'm not about to go back and change any of it. I'm proud of my work here. But it's now what I want to do. It's not what I started out doing. So I'm drawing it to a close that satisfies me, at a point where I'm still happy with the content I've created.

It's been a wild ride, you guys.

If you're looking for more sardonic humor, drama, or maybe just a bit of eldritch horror and ass-kickings, try my newest project, Delinquency!

The One Without Schadenfreude In It

Chapter 22: The One Without Schadenfreude In It

Celestia sips her tea carefully, taking in her present company. Luna and Cadence sit on either side of her, as she sits at the head of the table, while Twilight, Discord, and Prince Blueblood sit opposite. Shining Armos has taken a seat at the far end of the table. The usual staff are in attendance, coming and going with much professionalism. Not to mention some caution, given the Chaos God’s presence.

The solar princess taps a large folder against the table, sifting the papers within. “Well, as you are all no doubt aware, our annual performance reviews are due,” she explains.

Cadence raises a hoof. “Um, Auntie?”

“Hmm?”

The Princess of the Crystal Empire looks around the room cautiously. “Why… are all of us here?”

Celestia acknowledges the question with a regal nod. “I can understand your confusion, dear niece. You see, your presence is required as much as ours, because the Crystal Empire also requests that their royalty also provides reviews. As a matter of fact, this was a tradition the Empire started themselves, over a thousand years ago. One of the few productive by-products of the times of King Sombra. Although there is much less flogging now.”

The once-single ruler of Equestria turns to Twilight and Blueblood. “Your presence is less mandatory and more of a teaching lesson. As neither of you have had direct employees longer than a few months, your first annual review is typically voluntary, although I thought this would be a good teaching experience for next year.”

Twilight nodded like the good student she was, eager to learn more about her position as a Princess, and increase her personal productivity. Blueblood simply sighed uninterestedly and stared at his hoof.

Luna took a moment to speak. “And, if I may ask, dear sister, why is… Discord here?”

The draconequis leaned back in his chair with a smug smile. “Celly asked my personal opinion on a rather specialized case.”

Celestia nodded. “It’s true. While this may be like every other performance review in the history of Equestria, it is also the first performance review with regards to… Schadenfreude.” Barring Discord and Celestia, the collective flinch would have earned the most furious of pummelings on any playground. The Sun Princess continued. “Now, the majority of reviews are rather simple. We simply address one department at a time, only mentioning ponies by name when there are outliers. Either in regards to exceptional performance, or the extreme lack thereof. We of course approach each employee’s file individually on our own time, but this meeting is a forum to address those who stand out either in a positive or negative light. Our… most unique butler is a rare case, as he is one of the only ponies in recent history to have worked directly for each pony present.”

Twilight tilted his head at Cadence. “He worked for you?”

Cadence simply looked dead ahead with a flat stare. “Yes. Sometime last year, before I knew any better. He helped set up the Hearts and Hooves day celebration earlier this year.”

Twilight flinched again. “I see.”

Celestia coughed. “Yes, well. Given how his review spans the entire spectrum of royalty, for good or for bad, his review requires each of our inputs. Now, that’s not to say there aren’t other ponies in similar positions, such as the temporary staff I provided for you, Twilight, as well as the staff under my command that helped with the restoration of the Crystal Kingdom. There are also many ponies who work dual shifts here at the castle, who fall under both my and my sister’s purview. However, there currently exists only one pony to have worked for all four princesses, AND both Princes.”

“Schadenfreude,” Blueblood spat.

Discord chuckled.

Luna took over the proceedings, taking a file from a large stack in the middle of the table. It was an assortment of various colors of paper, many notes, and a special scroll attached to it. “Let’s see. Schadenfreude’s personnel file.” She also levitated toward her a special packet of paper from a stack of similar packets. “Now, each review has several questions, though many of these are typically answered by the individual under whom the employee works directly. NORMALLY,” she grunted, not happy about the special scenario the butler had somehow created, which was a logistical headache in and of itself. “Unfortunately, we must address each question individually. Now, I shall go down the list, and address each section one at a time. Question One: Has the employee in question performed all of their assigned duties correctly, timely, and to the best of their ability?”

There was a general murmur of conversation around the table, until Blueblood surprised them all by answering, “Yes.” He did so with a detectable bit of animosity.

The table looked at him.

Sighing, he elaborated. “It’s one of the many things about him that absolutely infuriates me: he’s very good at his job. I find it very, VERY difficult to find legitimate reasons to punish him, and CERTAINLY haven’t found any reason to fire him, not legally. He’s very good about towing the line.”

Cadence nodded in agreement. “Yes, he does have a good work ethic. It’s just… everything else that bothers me absolutely.”

Luna nodded, satisfied, as nopony else volunteered further input. “Question Two: Has the employee shown any disrespect or discontent towards their employee?”

The table paused only for a second to look at each other before they said, in resounding chorus: “YES.”

Shining Armor spoke up. “It’s a shame he’s not a member of the guard. Such disrespect would have had him out on his arse ages ago.”

Celestia nodded her agreement. “True. However, our employment contracts strictly state that personal opinions, political standpoints, and differences of opinion are not acceptable grounds for dismissal in civil service. Otherwise all those crotchety old bureaucrats currently clogging the drains in the Council would have disappeared in the wind long since past. It’s also illegal to dismiss a pony based on their special talent, unless said talent actively endangers the well-being of his fellow employees, coworkers, or clients. Like hiring a pyrotechnics specialist to work in the kitchens,” she added with a pointed glance at Luna.

“I thought his mark was CANDLES, OK?!” Luna protested. “Either way, while it is certainly a negative mark on his file, we press on. Question Three: Has the employee endangered the lives, well-being, or livelihood of his fellow employees?”

There was much debate about this question, as Schaden’s antics had a way of halting productivity, thus negatively impacting other ponies’ livelihood. However, he also had a penchant for volunteering his help in order to get things back on track, and his strange balance of dicketry and misplaced good intentions had yet to noticeably impact the efficiency of any department as a whole.

Besides making the guards cry. But they weren’t exactly his coworkers.

Discord spoke up on behalf of his ‘friend’, “I think the question we need to ask is, does having him around create a net negative or net positive on the castle?”

Blueblood snorted, more than ready to voice his opinion, but was beaten to the punch by Luna. “While that IS a large part of the review at large, it is a question for later, once all others have been addressed. I believe we can all agree that this is a… mixed answer? Neither a-” and she gave Discord a look here, “-net positive NOR negative?”

Begrudgingly, the table seemed to concede this point.

Luna read the next answer, and cringed. “Oh, boy. Right, Question Four: In your personal opinion, what is this employee’s greatest flaw?”

The rest table paused in silence for exactly half a second before they laughed themselves stupid. Even Celestia had a difficult time maintaining her composure. “How about he’s a giant DICK?!” Blueblood bellowed, between annoyingly loud laughs.

Twilight hadn’t laughed exactly as loud as the rest, but she certainly wasn’t immune to the humor of the situation. “I… I think we can safely put down ‘Annoying Clod’ and move on,” she suggested.

Between the laughter and general agreement, Luna simply sighed, made a note in the same vein, though more politically correct, than ‘Giant Douche’, and moved on. “Alright, Question Fi- Question- Ques- QUESTION FIVE!” she bellowed, in the Royal Canterlot voice. The table hiccuped to a stop, all present turning to Luna with surprise. Celestia merely rolled her eyes and smiled amusingly. “Ahem. Right, Question Five: What would you say is this employee’s greatest strength or contribution?”

This question was met much more seriously. Well, mostly. “He’s funny as hell!” Discord cheered immediately.

The ponies present gave him a variety of disapproving looks. Twilight spoke up next, after a moment. “Um… he actually does have a great work ethic. I mean, logistically I don’t have any complaints. He does his job, does it well, and moves on. If not for… him, he’d be an immaculate professional.”

Luna nodded, “I agree. Although he has little to know duties that relate to me, I find he has little to no difficulty in the tasks set before him.”

“He keeps life interesting,” Celestia said simply. Luna gave her a pointed look. “...what?” she said hesitantly.

“You know the only reason you like him is that he does all the petty, ‘funny’ things you wish you could do,” she grumbled.

Celestia did not argue this point.

“That’s not the only thing she likes about him,” Cadence chided.

“Ex-excuse me?” Princess Celestia stuttered.

“Oh please. I’m the Princess of Love. You think I wouldn’t notice?” Cadence jibbed.

Celesta looked side to side, then made a valiant attempt to hide her head in the table, blushing slightly.

Luna rolled her eyes. “Yes, she has a weakness for these things. There are certain members of the guard she likes to post at her door simply because she finds them… appealing.”

Blueblood looked ready to explode. “You mean the entire reason I’ve been subjected to this unrelenting hell is because you wanted more eye-candy?”

“No,” Celestia said harshly. “I assigned Schadenfreude to you for all the reasons I said when he first arrived. Those are all true. My… appreciation of his posterior has no bearing on his employment. Besides, Luna wouldn’t let me keep him around just for that, anyway.”

Luna nodded. “Also true. She’s lamented to me a few times that such a well-formed posterior was wasted on ‘such a giant ass’.”

Cadence burst out laughing. “Oh… oh god, I hate it. It’s funny, but I hate it, cause I know he’d think it was funny!” she hollered, trying to control her laughter.

Discord wiggled his eyebrows. “Maybe I should have tea with the little bastard after this. You know, have a good long talk with him.”

Celestia glared broadswords at the draconequus. “I will literally Harmonize you into the ground. You and I both know he’d be insufferable.”

The table nodded in agreement, and even Discord had to agree. “True. Also, talking about his butt would be a rather awkward conversation. Again.”

Luna raised an eyebrow, but simply moved on to the last question. Question Six: In the opinion of the employer, is this employee fit to continue working in his position?”

There was a silent exchange of glances as a wealth of information was non-verbally exchanged. Then Blueblood sighed, very heavily. “He’s not going anywhere, is he?”

“Nope,” Princess Celestia noted, taking a sip of tea.