The Breifest Human in Equestria
When Gravity is Proven as a Fact
Michael Smith Jr. The Third was on his way home, with yet another perfectly normal day under his belt. Well, aside from his new obsession, that is.
He had been introduced to My Little Pony over lunchtime, and in the course of a single school day come to love it. He didn't know why he liked it, but it was something that just caught his attention He quickly walked the rest of the way home, looking up to the sky to make a solemn promise to himself.
"I'm going to go to Equestria."
Michael looked out over the crowd as he took his Diploma in "Advanced Math n' Physics", staring out towards the cheering crowd as they celebrated his accomplishments.
It had taken his years, but he had finally graduated from the University of Jamaica, and he now had the knowledge he needed to make his portal. It would require time, effort, and dubious mixes of Coffee and Alcohol, but he would do it.
Another man walked up to his, holding out his hand. Michael shook it, eager to meet a new friend.
"Congratulations, Michael. We want you at CERN!" The man said, causing Michael to Squee in delight.
"Running test one." One man in the crowded control room said.
"Activating Polar Flux Modulators." Another replied.
"Clearing the Event Horizon of Exotic Particles."
"Hypermagnetic systems online."
"Ready to begin."
"Activate it." Michael ordered.
Immediately, the crudely-made portal lit up with brilliant light. A moment later, yet another one across the room lit up. A single man walked up to it, wielding a bow. A single target had been set up on the 'Output' side of the second portal.
The man notched an arrow and let it fly, the titanium arrow flying through the first portal and out of the rear of the second portal, striking the archer in the back. He collapsed, moaning in delirious pain.
"Well, who put it backwards?" Michael angrily asked.
"Lol I dunno." The AI in charge of the facility, the Dependent Energy-Redundant Particle Yuzyer, replied.
"Fix it!"
"Lol k."
Several years and 90 trillion Zimbabwe Dollars later, the second prototype was ready.
"Activating in three... Two... One... LOL ON." The AI said.
The portal lit up perfectly, green light spilling into the room... Literally. Half of the command staff on the floor drowned instantly in the liquid light, while Michael stood in the control room of his plant, staring at it.
"... I need a better prototype, AI."
"Affirmative, ponyfag."
The third prototype was ready. Finally.
"Activating... Now."
Michael braced for something wrong to happen, but was delighted when it lit up perfectly. A single unmanned robot went through the portal, emerging from the second one moments later, perfectly unharmed.
"YES! YES! YES!" Michael yelled in glee.
His reaction was short-lived, however, as the robot burst into flames and spontaneously turned into lava.
"So..." One of the technician said. "Back to the drawing board?"
Several months, five prototypes, and several strange swarms of man-eating fruit flies later, they finally had another design ready.
"Start it." Michael solemnly ordered.
"Rodger." A technician replied. "Raising the Krypen Index."
"Stabilizing the Electromagnetic Vortex Stream."
"All systems accounted for."
"Starting... Now."
The portals finally lit up, the computers showing a solid link between them.
Slowly, the rover inched forward, going through one portal and coming out the other moments later. The entire crew held their breath, waiting for the moment of truth. Finally, after several seconds of inactivity, the rover was still there. The assembled scientists erupted into cheers.
"Uh, sir." One of the technicians said over the noise. "What do we use this for?"
Michael paused his celebration to consider the answer, before giving out his brilliant response. "Science!"
Michael was finally done. At lost last, he had finished it. While he had brought the benefit of instantly teleported Fast Food to society, he had been secretly working on another project all along:
His portal to Equestria.
It was circular, studded on the outside with Derpy posters and semi-random placement of cool-looking lights. How it crossed dimensions, Michael didn't know, but he theorized it had something to do with the critical mass of Technetium he had installed in the center of the Applied Electrical Centrifuge. He didn't know why it was called that, except that it sounded cool.
The entire thing had to be powered by several -A batteries, a recent invention of his which utilized the fission of several particles of Element-94 to create a constant stream of energy. Each one also happened to cost as much as his annual salary.
"Beginning the first test..." Michael said to himself, excitedly awaiting the activation of the 1,500,270 Z$ machine. He pressed the giant red button, and waited...
And waited...
And waited...
After five minutes, the infernal machine finally sputtered to life, sparks and black smoke emanating from no discernible place as it did so.
"Yay!" Michael yelled in a high-pitched voice, jumping up into the air with glee. Eagerly, he gathered his standard kit: Scientific gear, a laptop, and lots of books. Lots of them. After all, he was going to be stuck there for a while.
He ran up to the machine, hitting another red button as he did so. A rainbow portal appeared, shimmering in brilliant colors as he ran full-tilt towards it.
"For Best Pony!" He yelled as he entered.
Cloudsdale was a quiet, peaceful town, the only sounds echoing through the streets being of light-hearted conversations and the whistle of the wind.
This was violently disrupted as a rainbow portal appeared, which seconds later deposited a yelling human a hundred feet above the cloud homes.
Said human immediately started screaming.
Ponies could only stare in shock as the human fell downward, bursting straight through the cloud streets, and continuing on the 8,000-meter plunge down to the earth below.
All throughout Cloudsdale, ponies paused at the sight of the flailing human hurtling towards a meeting with the ground.
"Should we try and rescue it?" Several asked, to which others shook their heads.
Several ponies went up to the hole in the street, looking down just as a brief cloud of dust raised itself from the ground.
"Well... That was strange." One of them commented.
"Eeyup."
Author's Note
Thought up, written, and published in the space of two hours.
The thread that started it all:
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/198207/the-good-hie-list/thread/88787/human-landing-points
Speaking of which, why do we all make our Heroes appear in the Everfree near Ponyville? Are we, as a community, THAT uncreative?