Duke Adolf Nukejew VS Alicorn Thor Pinkiepool

by iamthemithras

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Crossover, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe
Length: 3189

A battle to the death between two mortal enemies. The Battleground: Equestria. Whoever wins, Equestria loses.

Someponies are just born to be mortal enemies. To hate one another to the bitter end. For one to die against the other, or both to die trying. As much as the opposite, history has been and always will be shaped by the most powerful of enemies. Order - if not peace can only be resolved if one and only one of them stands victorious.

This story is about Duke Adolf Nukejew and Alicorn Thor Pinkiepool fighting to the death.

[size=0.75em]A/N: The Author would like to state that he is not a Neo-Nazi or an Anti-Semite or Misogynistic. Duke Nukem is currently the intellectual property of Gearbox Software, Thor and Deadpool of Marvel, My Little Pony of Habro, and Adolf Hitler hopefully is currently the property of Hell. This work of fiction is purely fan-made and non-profit and is not associated and or sponsored by Gearbox, Marvel, Hasbro, and Hell - though the Author wish it was sponsored.[/size]

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-26 04:00:07 UTC

Chapter 1: It's Good to be the King

Chapter 1: It's Good to be the King

Thunder stroke as a portal doth appear in the Everfree Forest whereas cometh from our beloved heroine the maiden Alicorn Thor Pinkiepool. She emergeth, Mjolnir spinning from her hoof as she landeth closing the portal after her descent. The ground doth echoed her mighty wings over yonder forest scurrying away thine fauna, her entrance mayest compare to the Terminator’s time-travel entrance. Surely thou knowest, the movie? I digresseth.

Pinkiepool stood beheld the new world shown to her looking very much liketh her old one as far as she knowest.

“Mayhap we’ve arrived at the wrong universe?”

[[I couldst not tell either way]]

She tooketh a few steps in the forest, gauging any danger or trouble that mayest appear. There was no sign save for a rumbling sound from somewhere. She turns to where mayhap the sound came and readied Mjolnir to strike but alas she turned down as the rumble cameth from her underside.

((Mayest we find condiments for our woeful belly? Let us journey to the nearest Sugarcube Corner, I propose))

“I Pinkie Pie approve”

[[Pray tell, why doth succumb early to the body’s need? Thou hast duty appointed by The Watcher himself]]

“Thou should say. Thou art reside in mine head after all”

[[Thou knowest thine head is not a good place to thinketh]]

Pinkiepool latched the mighty Mjolnir at her belt and prepared to take wing. Strong winds swept from below as she took off above the forest.

“Over yonder I behold Ponyville! … It appears nay different”

[[Dost thou think we are in the wrong universe?]]

“Only one way to find out”

With the power of a hundred lightning bolts the sky ripped in twain as Alicorn Thor Pinkiepool took off to the Ville of the Pony. She lowered her velocity as soon as she reached Fluttershy’s Cottage lest she make the light cry to its mommy after seeing her faster than it.

“Let us pay a visit to Fluttershy first and mayhap see for our own eyes if the trip here is in vain”

((And witness if she has food))

She hovered to the cottage door and started to knock but the top half of the door opened sooner and hit her square in the face.

“Oh my! I’m so sorry! I didn’t see—“ Alicorn Thor Pinkiepool turned to the equally aghast Fluttershy and her Angel bunny when she was done rubbing her cheek.

Her voice akin to a whisper in the wind “W-Who are you?!” Fluttershy doth screamed, or what seemed to be screaming.

“Fluttershy!”

“B-But that’s my n-name”

“I meaneth – Fluttershy! How couldst thou not recognize thine friend?” she raised her hooves to her as if to embrace “It is I!”

Fluttershy doth looked closer in her eyes and recognized “… Pinkie? Wh-Why are you an Alicorn?! And – And what are you wearing?”

The graceful Alicorn Thor Pinkiepool held a hoof to her chin “Hmm. Fluttershy knowest not why I be an Alicorn with the power of Mjolnir. Mayhap we are in the right universe”

“Who are you talking to?”

“… Uh… I uh - was thinking out loud”

“… With me here?”

“Be it as it may. Has thou seen a tall white Alicorn OC combo of Duke Nukem and Adolf Hitler?”

“… What?”

Pinkiepool raised her hoof above her head “He’s tall,” and pointed to Angel Bunny beside her “He’s white,” and pointed to her horn and wings “An Alicorn OC,” and then wore sunglasses and a strap-on square mustache “A combo of Duke Nukem and Adolf Hitler. Listeneth, I stretcheth the wall too much already – thou see I’m desperate here”

“… Are you referring to the fuhrer?”

“The what now-eth?”

“You know, King Duke Adolf Nukejew, our ruler, our fuhrer?”

“‘King’ Duke Adolf Nukejew?” Thor Pinkiepool palmed a hoof to her face “What? Is not ‘Duke’ a title enough?”

[[Dost not thou think ‘Alicorn Thor Pinkiepool’ a tad overdone also?]]

((I liketh mine cherrychanga medium rare))

“Pinkie, are you okay? Did something happened?”

Pinkiepool doth shook Fluttershy’s shoulder “Yea, I say! Thine world is at the mercy of a multiversal war criminal! The same stallion who killed millions and will kill millions again!”

She let go of Fluttershy and pointed her hoof to herself “But worry not for I shall rid thy world of this menace”

“But-But Prince Duke Adolf Nukejew saved everypony from the alien menace! A-And he’s the only stallion in the whole of Equestria. Ponykind is dependent on him!”

“What?” She couldst not believe what she doth heareth “What the What What-ing What-eth?”

“Don’t you remember? The aliens invaded and turned all the stallions into evil pigs, but Prince Duke Adolf Nukejew saved everypony. Well, everypony else”

Pinkiepool doth spaced out for a moment

“… Pinkie, would you please tell me what happened?”

“Yea I shall. But first – “ Alicorn Thor Pinkiepool let herself inside Fluttershy’s cottage “dost thou have grub to eat?”

“Alien wrap up♪, Alien wrap uup♪”

In his royal bathroom, Prince Duke Adolf Nukejew was taking his bath. Foaming his massive biceps and complimenting the room with his uber sexy deep voice

“Cause tomorrow’s spring is heere!♪”

“You are SUCH a great singer, Duke!” A pink mare giggled from below him and the other blue mare said something too before Duke forget all about her “Yeah! Your voice makes me sooo hot♪”

“I know… uh… what’s your names again?”

The pink one answered “We’re Aloe and Lotus”

“Yeah, I like your voices too”

The two mares squealed like little girls when they heard Duke speak his sexy stallion voice

“But they sound better testing my microphone”

The two went and taste-tested his package again. Because knowing how big Duke’s package is, one mare can’t finish the whole job. Usually he’d get a massage first but a king’s schedule is too hectic so might as well get straight to the happy ending.

“Mmmm… You’re package is sooo big…”

“Ooh Yeeah. You like big packages, Nicole?”

“It’s Aloe”

“Groovy. Whatever that means, I guess”

She ignored that and went back to testing his package

“You’re from another world?”

“Thou art correct” Alicorn pool doth another apple from the basket squeamish Fluttershy offered

“And you’re here to take the fuhrer, King Duke Adolf Nukejew away?”

“That is one way to put it”

“Because he’s a multi…verse…al war criminal?”

“Thou art correct”

“… But he saved everypony, he can’t be a criminal”

“Mine good friend Fluttershy, wouldst thou think for a moment for me hereth? How couldst thou not believe an alicorn with the power of mighty Mjolnir who just suddenly paid thee a visit out of nowhere? Who wouldst not believe thou when thou sayest this?”

“Pinkie, I don’t know what the problem is. You’re acting a little… well, a lot more Pinkie Pie than usual” Fluttershy walked towards the door “Maybe I should go get Twilight”

“If you deem it necessary. Oh, and I thank thee for the apples”

“Sure uh-“ she opened the door and saw Pinkie Pie “Pinkie Pie?”

“Hi!”

“Yes?”

She doth recognized her own voice and turned towards the door, another apple in tow. She waved a hoof to her other self

“Hail and good wishes”

Non-Alicorn Pinkie doth raised her hoof up “Hail Duke Adolf Nukejew!”

“Huh?”

Fluttershy doth raised her hoof too and step back in “Oh my goodness – You ARE from another world!”

“Hmm. That explains why she didn’t salute back” Non-Mjolnir Pinkie Pie doth welcomed herself to yonder cottage “Hi Alicorn Super Pony Pinkie Pie! How you doin’?”

“I enjoy this warm welcome! How about thee?”

“I do too, milady!” Non-Alicorn Pinkie Pie bowed graciously

“You ponies know each other?”

“No!”

“Nay!”

“… okay”

“I thank thee again for thine glorious hospitality, but alas duty doth calls. I haveth a fiend to catch and I thinketh not that he will let himself caught so easily. I haveth a long day aheadeth of me eth”

“Take care out there!” Non-Mjolnir-Wielding Pinkie Pie saluted her hoof “Hail Duke Adolf Nukejew!”

Fluttershy screamed very softly “Uhh—Hail!” and saluted her hoof also

“Why dost thou do that?”

“Well, here in this world it’s customary to begin and end every conversation with ‘Hail Duke Adolf Nukejew!’” She saluted her hoof

“Hail!” Fluttershy saluted

“And that we always have to salute every time someone says ‘Hail Duke Adolf Nukejew!’” She saluted her hoof

“Hail!” Fluttershy saluted

“And we always have to hail back when we do”

“Hail!” Fluttershy saluted but then everypony looked at her “Oh, sorry. Force of habit” she blushed and shied away

“… How long did this came to pass?”

“Oh, well ever since our King and ruler Duke Adolf Nukejew saved us from the alien menace!”

“Hail!” Fluttershy saluted

Alicorn Thor Pinkiepool turned to her “Why didst thou do that now?”

“Oh!” Non-majestic Pinkie Pie continued “We also have to hail back if someone ever mentions his name too! It was all his idea when we asked him how we could all repay him, after giving him the throne of course when we realize that Duke Adolf Nukejew’s wisdom would benefit Equestria!”

“Hail!” Fluttershy saluted

“But thou has not hailed him before when we talked about him”

“Oh… Uh…” Fluttershy shied away “I’m sorry, I forgot… I don’t talk to a lot of other ponies after… after… Duke Adolf Nukejew-“

“Hail!” Pinkie Pie saluted

“N-Nevermind”

Pinkie Pie interrupted “Duke Adolf Nukejew had se—u-uh -- partied with everypony after he killed all the aliens! It was AMAZING! Fluttershy couldn’t walk for WEEKS since then! I actually came here to check up on her”

Fluttershy blushed and shied away again at Pinkiepool’s surprised face after she saluted “H-Hail!”

“This be harder than I thought” Pinkiepool doth held her head “I think that phrase hast take root in mine head now”

[[Hail Duke Adolf Nukejew!]]

((Hail!))

“OH NO, IT HAS!”

“Same time tomorrow, our ruler?”

The Duke dried himself with a towel which the mares used first “You betcha Laura”

“It’s Lotus, actually”

“Close enough. Hail me”

The two mares giggled and saluted “Hail Duke Adolf Nukejew!” and left the bathroom.

He walked towards and opened his Royal Wardrobe to reveal a red bulletproof vest among several duked out guns on display, he levitated it to him using his alicorn magic and wore it. Not that it needs any mentioning, but Duke never takes off his glasses

He opened the door to his bedroom and found Princess Luna and Princess Celestia waiting for him in his Royal bed. He just showered but he guess he has to do his Royal Duties.

“It’s good to be the king”

“Hail Duke Adolf Nukejew!”

“Hail!”

As she expected, everypony in Ponyville greets each other the same way. To be honest, she didn’t want to walk all the way to her friend Twilight but alas her companions insisted they see her altogether

“Hail Duke Adolf Nukejew! Did you hear, Aloe and Lotus are giving a discount next week?”

“Hail! No I didn’t”

“Hail Duke Adolf Nukejew! Can you believe what Bon Bon and I saw at Roseluck’s house?”

“Hail! What? Tell me!”

Everypony speaks the same way. Sooner or later her mind is going to blow up and she can’t wait for it.

“How much farther to Twilight’s house?”

“Not long now!” Non-Alicorn Pinkie Pie bounced along

Fluttershy turned to Pinkiepool “Um… Where does Twilight live in your universe, Alicorn... uh, Thor, Pinkiepool?”

“In mine basement”

Fluttershy and Non-Thor Pinkie Pie doth stared at each other

Finally they doth arrived to inconspicuous looking tree in the middle of yonder Ponyville. They were correct when they said thou can’t miss it. No wonder somepony laughed at her when she asked directions for good measure ‘Hail! Whereas thine Twilight’s abode?’ hysterical laughter ensued

They walked to huge door that also can’t be missed. Non-magic Pinkie Pie doth knocked on the door that can’t be missed. For some reasoneth, they doth hear footsteps descending from stairs – can’t be missed no doubt.

The door was opened by Twilight Sparkle. Also, can’t be missed.

“... uh, did King Adolf Nukejew declared Nightmare Night to be months early?” she doth said, referring to thine beautiful and smart alpha-asgardian mare.

“Hail!” Pinkie Pie saluted.

“Hail!” Fluttershy saluted.

Non-magic Pinkie Pie then motioned to thine heroine ”Twilight, I want you to meet Alicorn Pinkie Costume Pie - Alicorn Pinkie Costume Pie, meet Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy - Fluttershy, meet Alicorn Pinkie Costume Pie and Twilight – Pinkie Pie meets Alicorn Pinkie Costume Pie, Twilight, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie!”

[[Wilt thou let non-magic Pinkie Pie upstage thee?]]

“We’ll have our moment. This is our story after all”

Twilight shook her hoof “Uhh – N-Nice to meet you Alicorn Costume Pinkie Pie…” Twilight then shivered of the thought of having two Pinkie Pies in existence

“It is wonderful to meet thee also. I believest thou can help in mine quest to rid this world of ultimate evil”

“Pardon me?”

“She says that King Duke Adolf Nukejew is a multiversal war criminal and that she needs to bring him back to her dimension”

“Hail!” Pinkie Pie saluted

“Huh? Uhh – Hail!” Twilight doth saluted her hoof “– But he—“

“—saved everypony from aliens, I get thee, I get thee!” Thor Pinkiepool palmed a hoof to her face “And nopony mention his name for but a while, I beg all of ye”

“Okie dokie lokie!”

“LOKI?!” Thor Pinkiepool readied mighty Mjolnir for battle “WHERE?!”

Everypony was minding their own business in Canterlot - frolicking in their outfits, talking about how great the fuhrer is, talk about the stock market, exchange business cards - whatever the uptight general populace do in their spare time. Duke Adolf Nukejew ain’t into any of that crap.

The horns blared from Canterlot Castle, everymare knew what this meant and stopped all what they’re doing and stampeded over to the castle. Pegasi flew like flies to shit, Earth ponies rode like the wind bullseye, but some unicorns came there first because they can teleport themselves. It’s everypony for themselves. The world is like that, accept it.

The fans cheered when they saw their beloved (and I do mean beloved) fuhrer standing at a balcony along with the princesses Celestia and Luna. The crowd roared as it grew in anticipation once they saw that handsome sunglasses-wearing white alicorn sporting his buzz cut mane and oh-so-chic square mustache prepares to rock the mics arrayed in front of him.

“We love you Duke!”

He took a gander at the growing crowd. Mares from all over keep coming from everywhere, some even brought signs that reads ‘Duke Adolf Nukejew is #1!’ ‘Eat shit and die alien scum!’ ‘The mares behind me can’t see!’

He lifted his hoof and all the mares gradually grew silent, awaiting the entrance of his deep stallionly sexy makes-you-wet voice. Ooh, yeah – now this is crap The Duke is into.

He starts to speak and he can see the crowd’s mouth agape in excitement “Hail Duke Adolf Nukejew!”

“HAAAAIIL!!!” Hundreds roared and went into ecstatic applause. After a moment, The Duke raised his hoof and the crowd settled down.

“What’s up CAAANTERLOT?!” he screamed at the mic like he was on a concert. The crowd went into applause again. Duke raised his hoof and they quieted down again.

“I gathered all of you here today to tell you an important message”

The crowd whispered to themselves like all crowds are wont to do when told that.

“One of my cohorts here notified me of the arrival of one of the most ultimate evil ready to plague Equestria”

The crowd whispered loudly to each other

“It’s worse than the alien scum I handed their asses in”

The crowd whispered again. You get it.

“Yeah, an ultimate opponent ready to take your loving king away from this world because of grudge match we had that she lost”

The crowd whispered to each other.

“That’s right. She’s a mare. Another Alicorn too”

You guess how the crowd reacted.

“An enemy bent on destroying the peace we’ve all worked hard on for the whole of Equestria”

This time, the crowd got quiet.

“And she’s here, in Equestria. To kick grass and chew bubblegum. And I’m all out of gum”

The crowd got riled up, despite not understanding that metaphor. Thank Duke that he would explain that.

“What this means is that I turn on you – oh gracious and industrious citizens of Canterlot to assist in this endeavor” so that he can stay in his bedroom with the princesses and play the old in and out “lend me your strength, your wiles, your loyalty. Find this mare, and get rid of her”

Suddenly below the balcony, a large tapestry rolled down with an image of an alicorn masked mare with pink frizzy mane and blue overcoat holding an awkward looking hammer.

“Find her”

One at a time, the crowd nodded in understanding. Nopony was going between them and the beloved fuhrer.

“Find Thor Pinkiepool”

The crowd cheered as they bask in the sense of adventure, maybe the chance to win Duke Adolf Nukejew’s heart even, but most probably the sense of worth they the fuhrer feels for his loving subjects to ask of them something of great import like this.

The King retreated to his quarters with the two princesses in tow, and played the old in and out.

It’s good to be the king.

The Fragging Prologue

Deep in the Everfree forest, a magical portal opened somewhere really really deep in the woods.

From another world came a stallion Alicorn adorned with brilliant white coat and trim blonde mane sporting a square-cut mustache and really cool sunglasses. It was nighttime when he entered Equestria but he didn't care, because he's none other than Duke Adolf Nukejew.

And he's here - in Equestria - to kick ass and Jew bubblegum. and he's all out of Jews.

Heil to the Führer, baby!

Unable to fight his badassness and being medievaled on their asses, soon all of Equestria bowed to their knees to the aryan sexist ruler and serviced him for good measure, making the royal sisters and probably everypony else his personal "attendants"

But all hope is not lost, for again deep in the Everfree forest another portal emerged to welcome an Alicorn mare to the magical land of Equestria. Because why not.

In the depths of the forest entered Alicorn Thor Pinkiepool in full red and black skin-tight spandex suit complete with pink frizzy mane swaying glitter action, gifted with needless regenerative powers that would out-trump the immortals' if that makes any sense. In her hoof she carries the mighty Mjolnir forged by the blacksmith of the gods from another dimension - with it, she possess the power of GOD-SPEAK meaning she always talk with archaic Ye Old English accent.

Seeing the cruel state of Equestria, Alicorn Thor Pinkiepool took it upon herself to redeem its rule from the evil dictator Duke Adolf Nukejew.

NOW all hope is lost