The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy: The edited out stuff.

by boothnat

First published February 14th, 2014 16:30

After the world exploded the second time, Ford Prefect and Arthur Dent were thoroughly confused by the fact they were not dead. They were more confused when they were told about a new form of travel by Slartibarfast that combined bistromathematics and tea.
They were thoroughly confused when they ended up in a land of ponies.
Join our heroes-
Arthur Dent, in his heroic search for tea.
Ford Prefect, in his heroic search for parties and hot girls.
Zaphod Beeblebrox, in his heroic attempt to re-invent the Pan Galactic Gargle blaster.
Slartibarfast, as he repairs the shi- Oh. Wait. That's boring. Nevermind.
And finally Trillian, the only one being minorly reasonable.

Chapters

The guide says-
Negotiations.
And then came a problem. Intro.
In which something happens.
Wait a minute...

The guide says-
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The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy: The edited out stuff.

The guide says-

The guide has this to say about tea.
Tea is an extremely odd substance. Almost every civilization has invented some variation of it, yet very few actually like it. One of those extremely rare cases used to be humans, which are now extinct. While two may be alive, that is not enough to say they are not extinct, and since the guide prides itself on not being behind the times, and instead being ahead of them, the human species can be considered to be extinct. Now back to tea.
Tea has interesting mathematical properties.
When ordering tea at a restaurant, the numbers on the bill dance around more actively than ever imaginable.
Due to this, many people wonder what would happen if somebody ordered tea in a bistromathematics engine.

******
Arthur stared around blearily. All he saw was a blur.
This must be the afterlife, he thought.
He stated so out loud.
"I agree." Said a voice that did not sound completely unlike that of Ford Prefect.
"Rather pleasant one."
"Hmm."
Ford was about to ask Arthur to stop stating the obvious, but he remembered that then his brain would start working.
"Rather white place, eh?"
"Quiet down Arthur. I need to see if it has a bar."
"Indeed it does." said a new voice.
"The bar is a part of the bistromathematics engine, which powers the ship you are now on. The Teabag-1."
There was only one person Arthur or Ford knew who knew about bistromathematics. For the sake of not causing anyone stress, we shall state the person was Slartibarfast, as stress is one of the leading causes of death in the universe.
However, Ford was too busy to make this observation. He was too busy placing a rather large order of Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters.
Arthur stated the most obvious and logical thing he could at the moment.
"What."
He repeated the word a few times, but since nobody seemed to pay attention, he stopped. He now understood he had two choices. One was he could try to understand Slartibarfast.
Two was that he could eat something.
He wrestled with the two, mind supporting one, and body supporting two. However, the stomach suddenly received backup
in the form of a large rumble, and the body won.
Arthur seeked out the bistromathematics dining table, and ordered the most dangerous, mathematician- damned drink in the universe.
"Waiter, could I please have some tea?"

***
Twilight Sparkle had just finished her book, The Newcomers Guide to Ponyville, when she heard the sound of a thousand ponies saying- "Tea". She saw no reason for a thousand ponies to be nearby, and no reason for them all to only say a single word, so she went out to investigate.

The first thing she saw was a massive something that was gold hurtling towards her backyard.
On fire.
At a rather dangerous speed.

About a minute earlier...
"My name is Eddie!
Hello!
And I am here to say-"
"MAKE IT STOP!" cried ford, who was already suffering from a mother of hangovers.
The guide has this to say about AI's singing.
AIs are bad at singing. Or choosing songs. Or anything related to music in particular. The only way they can sing a minorly acceptable song is if they suffer from a dimensional anomaly, which is incredibly rare. Of course, nobody has actually tested this theory, so this relies on sole deduction.(read- a mad man's ravings.)
"Where did Eddie come from anyway?" asked Zaphod, as he hummed along to the tune.
"Well," answered Slartibarfast,"It appears that due to the Earthling's order of tea, the fabric of space time has been snapped in two. This means that we have been-"
Everything else which he said was ignored as Zaphod, deciding that what Slarti was saying was boring, went to have a drink.
This was a major mistake, as the ship materialized in the sky above a quaint little town about thirty two point three-seven seconds later.
The guide says this about materializing while drunk-
Don't do it.
Which means that several hitch-hikers HAVE tried it, and have been given the mother- no, the mother AND father AND son of all hangovers.
The ship shuddered as it crashed. A spike of metal shot up for no reason and hit the robotic waiter who was carrying the tea, swiftly dismantling it. An apple hit Arthur in the face and knocked him out for a grand total of five seconds.
Trillian, who was using the bathroom, suffered a unfortunate accident.
Zaphod fainted due to the family of hangovers inhabiting his head.
Slartibarfast continued droning on about space time, not caring one way or another.
The ship stopped.
Ford pushed the door and looked out. He looked back in and banged his head on a table. He then looked out again.
Before passing out, he asked-
"How many drinks did I have?"

In order to prevent anyone from getting tense or worried, we shall tell you that when he awoke, he was informed he had had seven.

What, did you think the chapter was already over?

Back in time a minute, but forward in time a few seconds,
What seemed like a flap of the strange metal object flew out, and crushed the hairless ape that had been wearing an odd T-shirt that said 'Brony and proud'. There were gasps all around, and even more gasps when the beast coming out of the hole came out. It was a somewhat similar ape, but it had a magical aura about it.
Or, as the more sensible people around it said, it was completely drunk.
It stared, muttered something about a number of drinks, and fell down.
Another ape came out. It looked around, and spotted Twilight. It marched towards her, purpose in its stride.
It stopped in front of her, and looked at her, terrifying as it was tall, and it spoke.
"Now listen here, and listen very carefully. I have a question to ask you. It is a matter of life and death."
Twilight's ears flew up at the sound of the word 'question'. She was a genius. She could answer any question this monkey thing could possibly ask.
It looked at her. Then slowly and delibrately, it said-
"Where.Can.I.Find.Some.Tea.?"

Negotiations.
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The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy: The edited out stuff.

Negotiations.

The guide has this to say about plot holes.
Plot holes, are things authors thrive on. For example, in this story, we have no idea how Zaphod got on the Teabag. However, since this fact is of no major consequence, it shall be ignored, and shall be ignored, since the author can not be bothered to give the reader an explanation.
This is an example of a stereotypical plot hole, it says.
It is probably irrelevant that that 'this' was supposed to be a link taking you to a completely to a different story.
It is probably a coincidence that this story has the exact same plot hole.
Ford looked at the Guide in horror, and sent a recommendation of what he thought the entry should be changed to.
A plot hole, is the hole a sentient being has in it's plot.
He then walked up to Arthur, and asked him-
"Do you see a bunch of cute, adorable, ponies?"
"Yes, I do."
"That's odd. I thought I was mad."
"Maybe you are."
"Maybe we both are."
"Hmmm."
They then looked towards the ponies.
They were still there.
Then Ford looked up, for no discernible reason, and spotted the Vogon constructor fleet.
It was at that moment that the announcement began.
Every single metal object suddenly tuned itself and became an instrument. An instrument to tell the world of it's doom. An instrument to announce the arrival of the deliverers of said doom.
Which meant the announcement was rather soft, since there isn't really much metal in Equestria.
"Horribly cute creatures on you're horrible B-grade planet. You have been marked for destruction. Please remain on the planet till we can charge up our constructor beams by getting some Theoretical Physicists from our home dimension.Also, please hand over the ship on your surface so that we can get back to our home dimension."
It was probably just a coincidence that a few miles away, a rule book which had exactly one page hit a stallion called Flash Sentry on the head, thus knocking him out and causing amnesia. This led to a spy action adventure similar to that of The Boner Ultimantum, or the Jarvis Bond series.
A white pony which had both wings and a horn and was taller than the others politely asked Ford Prefect-
"Is the ship you arrived in the one they are talking about?"
Ford decided to play along with the hallucination, and nodded his head.
The pony, which we shall call an alicorn, threw a fireball at the ship.
The ship exploded.
Ford stared in horror.
He was not angry because he could never go back home.
He was not angry because that ship had probably been worth a nice amount of money.
He was angry because all the Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters he could possible drink were on that ship.
So he did the most logical thing a person with a hangover could do.
He walked up to the alicorn, and slapped it in the face.
After having a nice flavour sampling of the dirt, he was helped up by the alicorn, to whom he was complaining on and on.
"DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GET A GOOD DRINK ON A PLANET AS BACKWATER AS YOURS? DO YOU? DO YOU?"
He then proceeded to call the alicorn a number of names, none of them good, and with more than half of them not making any sense.
After he was done, there was a horrible deathly silence.
All eyes were on him.
At which point a blue alicorn, who was next to the white one, began to grin.

Two hours later.
"AND NOW, IN THE GREATEST TROLL OFF OF ALL TIME, PRINCESS LUNA IS EASILY DOMINATING THE ALIEN CALLED FORD PREFECT! AND NOW FORD IS DOMINATING! FORD! LUNA! FORD! LUNA! THAT'S IT! I QUIT! I *cough* HAVE GOTTEN ENOUGH THROAT INJURIES IN THIS FIELD DUE TO ANNOUNCING! GOOD*cough*BYE!"
Ford stared at Luna. He was playing a delicate game. One of skill and concentration. The name of the game, was Trolling.
It was a rather simple game,, of which the rules are probably known by all readers of this story. Ford prepared his ace card, his top move.
"You, are a pile of Belgium ridden Dingo's kidneys."
Luna grinned, and answered-
"Well, you were raised in Belgium while eating Belgium out of your father, who's name was Belgium."
Water vapor in a liquid form came out of Ford's ears. He grabbed Luna's throat and began to say something, at which point he realized he had lost the Troll off.
He grumpily sat down. He then asked-
"Hey, want to play a drinking game?"

************************************
Arthur Dent stared at the zebra in front of him. He was currently engrossed in a adventure.
After describing the details of the herb to the zebra, it nodded.
"The herb that you seek, I can find in much, much less than a week. Wait here for now, I shall get it faster than a cow."
Arthur Dent stared at her.
"I could not find a good rhyme, and yet I had to keep in rhyme, so T'was not really a fault of mine."
The zebra known as zebra went into her hut, and came out with some leaves, and a cauldron of water. Arthur put the cauldron over a fire, and put the leaves in. He then waited a while. When he thought the time was ripe, dipped a cup in, and drank the mixture.
It rejuvenated him. The stress he had been feeling melted away like butter on toast. His happiness was incomparable to that of the second happiest man in the galaxy, since the first one was him. He was happy as happy can possibly be without burning out you're happiness centers.
The guide has this to say on happiness.
Happiness, is a lie.
Sure, some people can have it, but everyone else can't. Very few know how to trade it, and those who do, generally prefer to keep the thing to themselves. Therefore, since we can not be sure if everyone has it, it must be a lie."
Arthur, with the grin of one who has been recently enlightened, looked up at Twilight and Zecora, and asked-
"Do either of you want a cup of tea?"

"Why are you drinking Poison Joke?"

And then came a problem. Intro.
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The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy: The edited out stuff.

And then came a problem. Intro.

The heroes prepared themselves.
On their velociraptors they felt invincible, but they knew they were not.
Ford Prefect lowered his lance, let out a war cry, and said-
"Why have you drank MY COKE!"
The Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy has this to say about coke.
Coke is a drink that has, coincidentally, been created on every planet in the galaxy. Somehow, all variations have the exact same chemical make up, even though the actual materials may not be existing on the planet.
It serves exactly one purpose.
It.Is.Delicious.
The bunny looked at him bravely, then said-
"Where's that fellow Arthur Dent?"
Ford stared at it, stupefied.
"I AM AGARAJ(WHATEVER HIS NAME WAS), AND I SHALL HAVE MY VENGEANCE FOR BEING KILLED SO MANY TIMES!"
Ford stared at the bunny, then stepped on it, snapping it's neck.
Just then, a yellow pegasus mare entered,
"Angel?"

"ANGEL!"

In which something happens.
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The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy: The edited out stuff.

In which something happens.

A small space time anomaly opened up.
This would normally be of no consequence, since space time anomalies are opening all the time, but this one in particular had something falling out of it.
This something was a fleet of Vogon constructor ships.
Now you will complain- Hey! I thought it was small!
Well, we shall answer- It was only small in terms of space time anomalies. If you want more information, read the bloody guide.
Anyway.
This particular fleet of Vogons was lead by Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz.
He was exceedingly confused.
He had just destroyed the Earth, every parallel version of it, and now had been tossed into another point in space.
Of course, he did not know this, and was instead wondering where the hell the planet he was going to had gone. He had to collect his paycheck.
For destroying the Earth. You know, just a small job.
He activated his computer, and was suprised to see the message- MAIL RECEIVED, that had replaced the thoroughly antiquated- You got mail!
Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz hated mail. As a rule of thumb, he hated everything that did not make him angry, thus he hated mail, since it was from the mail that he received orders to destroy planets, which made him happy.
The mail said-
Destroy the planet in front of you.
So obviously, Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz looked left, right, and back, but forgot to look front. He angrily turned around to tell the mail exactly what he thought of it via a poem, at which point he finally noticed the planet.
Being a Vogon, he obviously assumed he would be paid for the destruction of the planet, so he ordered the powering up of the construction beams.
At that point, he was informed that the only people who knew how to power up the construction beams had been wiped out in a training exercise.

Author's Note

From this point on chapters will be short. At least, they will be until my exams are over. I apologize for the invonvinience.
Also, quick trivia question.
What was god's last message to his creation?

Wait a minute...
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The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy: The edited out stuff.

Wait a minute...

The guide has this to say about editors.
Edited pages are notoriously unreliable.
They have a habit of being in the wrong order. For example, chapter two can and should chronologically occur as chapter three, but the editor was on a lunch break at the time, so the journal was directly sent to the guide.
After watching Ford and the monkey man being taken away by the strange hideous cuddly things, Zaphod realised he had a new task.
"Trillian baby?"
"Yeah?"
"Where do you think the nearest nightclub is?"
And thus, when Pinkie Pie invited Zaphod to a Ponyville tour, he did not mind. He did not mind a single zarking bit.

**********************
"Sothisisthenightclub,butnobodyreallyusesitbecauseithasnogooddrinksotherthanciderwhichitonlyhasatthesametimeastheapples!"
Zaphod wondered how Pinkie got that all out at once, then decided he didn't care.
"Well, I'm here to remedy that."
The Pink pony gasped, unable to believe this fact.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has an important thing to tell you about Zaphod Beeblebrox.
Do not, under any circumstances, give him access to things that can be made into a drink.

Author's Note

Actual One thousand word chapters come after mid March, after my exams!