Neurotic Chaos: Woody Allen Possesses Discord
Neurotic Chaos
I died. I could tell because there was this bright flash of light and a heavenly chorus. It was like turning on my old computer but less impressive. The last thing I remember thinking was “I hope the Yankees win the playoffs” I was clearly delirious; I don’t even follow baseball.
But just as I was about to go into the light I got pulled into some kind of tear in the fabric of space. I knew that stuff about the ozone layer was true, and now a lifetime of carelessly overapplying deodorant was about to rob me of paradise.
That’s the story so far. Are you still with me? Well that makes one of us.
When I finally open my eyes I’m in Candyland or something. Everything looked colourful and oversaturated, like I’m in an advert for life insurance.
“Discord, are you alright?” a quiet voice says from behind me.
“Well, I could be better but at least it doesn’t feel like I’m in the introduction to a New Age Seminar anymore.” I respond, turning to see I’m talking to a yellow horse.
...oh, really? Well, ok then.
“Who are you?” I ask, because apparently today is Open Mic Night in my subconscious, and if my sanity’s going on vacation I might as well go along for the ride.
“Who am I? I’m Fluttershy, don’t you remember?”
“Well I’m feeling pretty ‘fluttershy’ myself right now- oh geez, my hands!” I say, staring at my freakish new mitts. They look like I got them out of the dumpster behind a Body Parts Store.
“What’s wrong with your hands? Are they hurt?” the yellow horse says. What am I saying? Have I forgotten that I had majored in Animal Noises in kindergarden? The horse says “neigh”, it doesn’t ask about hands- I’m pretty sure that’s the pig.
“Discord, what’s wrong?” Flutterfly says. This horse is giving off a vibe, like one of those houseplants that’s just waiting to die the second you bring it home. I decide to play it cool for her sake.
“Oh, it’s nothing. You keep saying Discord, who is that?”
She gives me a look like a deer in the headlights- it’s not very hard to visualize given what she looks like.
“Have you… forgotten who you are? oh dear…”
Oh dear she says. Oh dear? You’re not the one with a chicken-hand and no idea what’s going on, you glorified plush toy!
“Excuse me, Flutterpie? I could really use a few answers. I’m stuck here in ToyTown-”
“-ToyTown? Discord, have you forgotten everything? This is Equestria…” she starts to back away.
Equestria, huh? Oh, I get it, because they’re horses.
“Fluttershine, I have no idea who this Discord guy is. My name’s Woody Allen, I’m an actor from the USA, I-”
But she ran off. Great.
***
I decide to just walk in a straight line until I reach civilisation- or whatever passess for that in this pastel- coloured purgatory. After awhile I come to a town; a small, quiet place. The sign says “Ponyville”.
… Ponyville? Great job, guys. Better you spent all night coming up with that one.
The ponies around me are all keeping their distance, which is fine by me. Frankly I’m not in the mood for more horseplay right now anyway.
I take an apple from a nearby cart, abandoned by it’s owner. This place feels like the old country; I’m not sure which one, I’m just hoping you’re on the same page as me when I say that.
“Just what the hay do you think you’re doin’, Discord? You gotta pay fer’ those apples like everypony else!”
The pony in front of me is speaking in a Southern drawl and has this adorable cowboy hat. I don’t know whether I should run or pinch her little cheeks.
“...Sheesh lady, it’s an apple. I know they don’t exactly grow on trees but they’re not that rare.” I grin sheepishly. Do sheep talk here too? I need to be careful when it’s lunchtime, I get the feeling asking for a burger would get me hung up in the town square.
“I don’t care, you still gotta pay! Now hand over your bits!”
Oh Jesus, she’s getting frisky.
“Sorry lady, but I have a strict ‘four legs good, two legs better’ policy. See ya!” I say as I run off.
She’s a fast one, and she’s on my tail for about fifteen minutes. Oh my god, I have a literal tail now! How did I not notice? You don’t just grow an extra limb like that and ignore it, do you? It's like the opposite of a phantom limb.
Just as she’s right about to catch me something weird happens. There’s a crack and a flash of light, like when a lightbulb blows out. Seconds later I’m in a dark forest. It feels like the sort of place where you’d go to solve mysteries with a group of outdated cliches from the 60’s or something. I take the time to reflect on everything that’s happened,
Ok Woody, calm down… you’re just in a brightly coloured cartoon land with no idea what’s going on, trapped in a strange body and now stuck in the middle of a forest.
I can hear the sound of running water nearby. I could really use a drink, so I decide to head towards the noise. When I finally find the river, I’m disappointed to see it isn’t made of chocolate milk or something. Some happy fantasy world this is…
After taking a drink and washing my face there’s a feeling in my stomach, like I’ve swallowed a golf ball made of ice.
My face. I’m a goat dragon.
Technically I’m all sorts of other things too, but ‘goat dragon’ pretty much sums up my feelings on my new look. I feel like I’m the abomination that would happen if I stepped into a teleporter with half a barnyard. To be honest, I could look worse given the situation.
I hear a rustling in the bushes nearby. Oh crap.
A small chicken hops out of the shadows. He’s a cute little guy, but I can’t help but wonder why a chicken could live out here in the woods without getting eaten… oh, he’s turning me to stone. I see now.
“Get away from him!” the same timid little voice from before says. Oh thank God, I was getting the weirdest sense of deja-vu as I was getting stoned. The chicken runs off at the mere sight of her.
“Fluttersmile, you’ve saved me! Thanks, I thought when you’d run off-”
“-Discord, we need to talk.” a new voice says. She sounds like a primary school teacher who knows you cheated on your test. The pony that appears in from of me in a flash is as tall as a human, and has this weird sense of awe around her. Her mane’s a bit much, though- like a cape but more ethereal. Kinda makes her look like a showoff.
“What are you charging me with? Grand Theft Apple?” I say, grinning nervously.
She isn’t smiling. Neither is Flutterpie..
Tough crowd.
