Chapters Two years ago...
I looked over my bulging ripplyness in the mirror. Being a proud man, I flexed my arms, striking a heroic pose in the mirror as best I could.
It was a simple, brown robe, with a mantle and a couple of additional props. Firstly, I hauled on a shirt of cloth, then a layer of faux chain mail. That stuff chafes you something awful if you let it. Then, a pair of underpants, because I refused to let my nether bits enjoy a healthy breeze. That sort of thing is okay for wizards, but not for the Fat Friar. I hauled on my long robe, enjoying how it could serve as an enjoyable bathrobe. To make sure that it didn't flap about unnecessarily, I tied it at the waist with a length of yellowish rope. This assemblage complete, I braced myself for the hard part- shaving myself a monk's tonsure.
Now, I'd read about how to do this, and watched videos of it being done on Youtube. I grabbed my stone, knelt down, and got to work. It was an interesting process, scraping my hair away on the top, but it was an important part of the character I was playing. I was a friar, a medieval monk who eschewed worldly goods to wander the land, spreading the word of god to all of his parish. So I endured the pain and scraped on, to achieve a perfect tonsure. This was very hard to do- I wanted a fairly large bald spot, but not a wholly shaved head.
Now with a little bald patch on the top of my head, I cleaned up the other parts of my appearance. I shaved my double chin carefully, making sure not to cut myself, as that would just be embarrassing, a friar showing up with a piece of tissue paper stuck to his chin. I threw my razor into my little brown travel bag. In there also was a wine skin, filled with, of course, wine, some bread and cheese, a couple of apples, that sort of thing. It's important to keep the appearance of being a traveller.
I guess I am a traveller. Ever since I found out about planes and cars, I always liked travelling. Call me a bit mad, but I was prepared to throw everything down if that meant I could see the world. And so, I saw both the good and bad sides of society. You can't really appreciate the skyscrapers of New York without also seeing, firsthand, the beggars in the streets of Berlin and Paris. That's what travelling is all about; seeing the world around you and learning of it.
I sawyer my hips a bit as I finished my preparations. Everything else done and away, I placed a steel skullcap onto my head, and looked at myself in the mirror. Picking up a simple wooden staff that I made from a piece of driftwood, I tipped my head in greeting.
You know something? No matter how far, or how wide you roam, you still call your own country, your own town home. Strange, but true. I could go to New York for a week, and always be glad to get home, even if I really wanted to travel.It's a peculiar thing. I parked my car outside the house, smoothed my robe of creases and rang the doorbell.
A couple of hours later, and the party was in full swing. I laughed boisterously, drinking beer after beer like there was no tomorrow. For us, there WAS no tomorrow- it was a Saturday night clubbing. Tomorrow, I was going to regret ever thinking about going to this party, but what the hell, the night was young and I was ready to party until I fell over tonight.
I plopped my wide ass down on a sofa, enjoying a break from the constant talking and dancing. I had eaten a dinner before hand, consisting of an omelette and chips, and now I was feeling pleasantly buzzed.
Max was a pretty weird guy. For starters, he was a brony. I'm ambivalent towards bronies in general- some of them are pretty cool. Unfotunately, the 'some' are the vocal minority. Then there are the bronies who everybody hates- even the normal brines. The ones who abandon their friends to watch a show about friendship. How ironic.
After that, the night became REALLY weird. I vaguely remember getting into a drinking contest (I played to lose,) telling some waif-like girl that I was going to be the next lecturer in Biology on Monday and almost vomiting on her, instead vomiting on a footy jock, and being hit on by some creepy guy wearing a fur suit. Then, I spiralled into unconsciousness.
"Bleah..." I sat up, tasting in my mouth the aftertaste of a hangover. I screwed my eyes shut, as apparently they had been removed, pissed on and put back. Every sound- the wind blowing through the grass, the chirping of birds, and the scuttling of insects, seemed deliberately amplified, as if somebody had taped a microphone to my ears. I moaned, wallowing in self-pity and outrage at my own body tormenting me.
Eventually, the sunlight had decreased in intensity from 'kill eyeballs,' to 'okay, you can see now.' I blearily opened my eyes, then paused.
Apparently, I was in a forest glade somewhere. Which is very strange, considering that the only place like that around here is the Botanic Gardens, and we were on the opposite side of town from there. I tried looking around for any landmarks, but didn't find anything. Eventually, I just sagged in defeat.
No signal. Figures.
With an annoyed sigh, I turned it off entirely. No sense in wasting battery power with no buildings around. I looked at my worldly possessions. My staff and backpack looked back at me innocuously. I sighed, throwing on the backpack and picking up my staff. Thus armed and prepared, I chose a random direction and headed in that way.
After a few minutes of this, I was utterly lost. Still, not everything was bad; my hangover had receded to nothingness and I had taken a drink from my wineskin. Even so, I was watching around me for any sign of civilisation. Hesitantly, I called out.
Eventually, I think that I found something of civilisation. A path. I giddily skipped along it, previous tiredness forgotten. Eventually, I came across a large castle, dilipated and seemingly dead. I didn't really care; it was a castle, and castles meant tours, and tours meant civilisation. I ran towards it- well, jogged.
Entering the castle, I felt a sense of fear, worry and... hunger. Don't judge the fat guy for being hungry, I'd been walking for about two hours, I deserved to be hungry. I sat down on a bench and rummaged through my supplies. I pulled out my small loaf of bread, and tore off a small hunk; until I found people, I was conserving my food supply. I masticated furiously, thinking. Have I ever been to this castle in my life? I leant back, thinking, then sprang back up when I heard what sounded a bit like two hooves hitting the ground. Then, I heard a voice speak.
I was looking at a freaking anthropomorphic zebra lady. She was wearing a dark brown robe with a hood. Her intelligent blue eyes regarded me with curiosity. She had a mohawk as well, which looked kind of weird.
I mentally slapped myself.Rescue, even if it is by anthro zebra porn stars, is always appreciated.
As we walked through the forest, I struck up a conversation.
We sat in her house for a while, me sitting politely while she made some tea.ponies , not anthro porn stars. Still, I was nothing if not a courteous guest. I finished my tea, setting it down.
I travelled along the path, thinking hard. Was I really in Pony Land? Well, I didn't rightly care. I eventually crested the small hill. There was a bloody treehouse, with animal coops. I walked past it, ignoring it.
This 'Ponyville' looked positively idyllic, There were buildings that looked like jesters' caps, a library made out of a tree, even- good lord- a giant gingerbread house. It looked so sweet that I was sure that I had diabetes now. I frowned. I much preferred the Everfree forest.
Author's Note
Well, this one is different from my other work. Here's to your enjoyment.
I just stared for a while, bathing in the saccharine nature of this place. It says something that the place LITERALLY made me feel ill from how much sugar there was, and this is coming from the guy who has coffee with his sugar. Nevertheless, I needed to go there. I lifted up a foot, paused, then set it back down.
Who am I kidding?
I could tell that my plans were going to go dangerously astray when I was suddenly set upon by something that my conscious mind registered as 'PINK.' Seriously, anthro horse lady was such a blindingly bright pink, my retinas were being burned by it. She was kind of chubby, but compared to my girthliness she was a noob. LOL, noob, lern 2 overeat. She was wearing a bright blue dress with an apron on it, which I though was kind of odd. Overall, I remembered her as the annoying pink one, who acts like she's in a cartoon. Of all of them, she was probably my least favourite. Still, I had to at least pretend to be polite. Politeness is a virtue, even if I am in a place that has given me type 3 diabetes.
Well, what else does one say to that? What? Eventually, I shrugged it off and continued down the path, looking for some food. The town square seemed to have a market, so I headed over, curious to see what wares one could purchase.
Apples seemed to be in vogue. Like, everybody here bought apples. Made sense, what with horses and all, but really? try something different people. Instead, I headed over to the smaller, less well-maintained stalls. Those usually have better food than a commercial place. Yes, I'm onto your schemes, Woolworths! You can't fool me now!
Poor yellow mare seemed to be desperately trying to hawk her goods, so I decided to help her out a bit. As soon as she saw me coming, her day brightened up considerably. I mean, she was still getting business, but apple stall was getting a lot more customers.
As I walked through town with my new guide, I was struck by how friendly this mare was. I mean, I was practically a hobo, and se was going out of my way to help me! How nice of her. I made a note to buy as many vegetables as I could from her. Maybe Pony Land wasn't so bad after all. She waved at me when she directed me to the store, then ran off.
The camping store looked woefully rundown. My opinions soured. Out in the wilderness, one would need as many of these supplies as possible. I pushed open the door, wincing at the squeak of rusty hinges. The kind of manly dark green stallion lounging here perked up.dashed , literally dashed off to grab all the stuff I asked him for. In about two minutes, he'd grabbed everything I'd asked for.
Now fully prepared for the world of Ponyland, I stepped out, with a large, rather dusty rucksack slung over my shoulder. A flagon of water swung on my hip. As I left, though, something caught my eye. A pawn shop. Curious, I walked over. It looked kind of dusty and not very well used at all. Now, normally I'd have left it the hell alone, but something drew my eye towards it. Maybe it was the lump of gold just displayed in the window so blatantly.
I pushed the door open hesitantly. Nobody seemed to have locked the door, so I went in. I stared around me at all of the cluttered shelves, piled high with clothes, knick-knacks, all sorts of things.
"Nopony wants it. There's a tale behind that one, I can tell you that." The mare teleported over to it, touching it fondly.was mined from the Everfree Forest, about a hundred years ago. The thing is, every pony here believes that it's cursed, because it came from the Everfree." I shook my head.
"If you're planning on going through the Everfree, then you'll need protection. Can you weave a spell?"
It was a staff, made of brown wood with a spiralling pattern of orange and blue, with black and white stripes on the bottom. It looked kind of like my own, except for colour, but there was something about it. I was about to grab it, but she swatted my hand.
When I next saw light, I was standing far outside Ponyville. Huh, she can remotely teleport people? Interesting. I examined the staff in my hands. now that I looked at it, I could see that there were what looked like screaming faces in the pattern of the wood. I don't know whether or not what I held in my pudgy hand was evil or not, but there were sights in the world to see, and I wasn't going to stick around any longer. I waved with my staff and set off through the forest.
Ah, it was good to be home, even if it was only a home away from home...
Author's Note
This is the end of the intro, I guess.
One year later...
I sat in my chair, drumming my fingers. Thanks to a rat in our group, we were now hiding in the back-up hiding spot in the Everfree.
One year ago, I left the diabetic sugar bowl that was Ponyville with a magic staff in my hands and a bag on my back. Since then, I'd seen a fair amount of the world- Canterlot, Manehatten, Neigh Orleans, the like. What I saw sickened me.
Once I'd seen the beggars being herded out of the front streets to the back ones in Canterlot, I made a vow. I was going to do everything in my power to tip the scales in the downtrodden's favour. At first, I just gave them food, something to help them through the day. But it wasn't enough. I was only one fat man with practically no worldly possessions at all. All I was doing was feeding a couple of starving ponies and not really helping the bigger problem.
The idea came to me once on the road, where I'd been attacked by a starving pony. Instead of beating him up and turning him into the Guard, I had an idea. I explained it to him- we were going to bust into a bank, steal as much money as we could and get as much to eat as we could. That pony, known as Red Robin, called me crazy. I told him to wait there. I then went to Canterlot bank, and demonstrated the capabilities of my staff there. I didn't kill anybody, but those there still have the scars where my flames burnt them.
When I returned two hours later with a large sack of bits, he lost his doubts. After that, we ate a good meal, and gave the money away to the beggars in the street. This was a more potent sign of changing the status quo. I then had a brainwave. I asked the beggars if they would like to aid us in the thefts, take some money for themselves so that they could survive. A few agreed, but the rest disagreed, saying that they respected the Princess. I didn't force them to join; it was their decision.
The next six months were hectic for our little group. The press had a field day with our crimes, denouncing us as 'dishonest thieves.' We didn't care, we were doing the right thing, even if it was wrong by law. Thanks to the staff of balance, every altercation ended in our favour, but we needed more magic. We found a few unicorns who were willing to help us out, namely Trixie and Quick Hoof, who had left Ponyville on her own advice.
The Princess had to cover up the good we were doing, but there were always those who saw. A few ponies who saw that, while our methods were questionable, our goals were right. They were the ones who gave us the title, "The Everfree Merry Ponies." I liked that title, and sketched it into the walls of the banks we robbed.
There were always a few close calls- the Guard were getting steadily faster and faster in response to our bank robbing. We responded with more elaborate escape plans each time. But now, our undercover 'spotters' had their identities risked.
You see, it's not always enough to have might on your side. Sometimes, you need to have some subtlety. So we had the spotters. These were ponies who weren't part of our group, at least not officially. They scouted out banks and houses we were robbing, giving a cursory detailed glance. Those ponies were also very good at spying out guards and raising the alarm.
Fortunately, Flash Sentry was only a fresh member of the Everfree Merry Ponies, so he didn't see the spotters. They preferred to keep their identities anonymous, and I liked that. Meant that rats like Flash wouldn't find them.
I decided on a course of action.
It had taken a lot of effort, but we had plenty of tents set up here. A cloud bank overhead shielded our position from high flying pegasi, and there were wards all around the perimeter that detected when an unauthorised intruder was going in. One of the first things we'd down when Flash betrayed us was to remove his approval from the wards. The other thing we'd done was install a watch. Nopony liked the Everfree Forest all that much, but we'd all learned a lot about herb lore, which plants to eat and when to eat them. We were perfectly self-sustaining here.
I grabbed my staff, feeling the power flow through my fingers. Grabbing my skull cap, I jogged over to the meeting point. Once there, I consulted with our spotter.
Tax carriage
Flash Sentry looked on uneasily into the forest. Even though the raid had only captured three members of the group, it was still being hailed as a bold move against these bandits. He knew it wasn't, really. From what he'd seen, the group that met in the depths of the forest numbered near a hundred, and their members grew daily from the beggars in the streets. He wasn't even sure how many of them acted as 'spotters' for the bandits to move.
He'd told the Princess everything he could about the group's tactics- they preferred to ambush, strike hard and take everything they could, then retreat into the forest. That was when their leader wasn't around. He'd participated in a few raids, and was amazed at the diligence that they put into their work. It was almost as tough as the guard physical and teamwork drills. Truly, he admired them.
But even though they were doing the right thing, they were going about it in the wrong way. He kept a careful eye on the trees. Who knew where or when a possible attack might occur-
With a mighty explosion, the back wheels of the cart were taken down. It dragged onto the ground, and Flash jumped up, sword in hand. Standing behind the cart, wiping mud off of himself, was the Fat Friar himself. Flash stared. This wasn't some mysterious creature from another continent- this was a warrior who only had a half smile on his lips.
A unicorn tried to blast him, but a wave of his staff deflected it. The Friar spun, shooting a brown fireball out in the general direction, spinning it the other way to flash freeze Flash to the cart with a large chunk of brownish ice. Other guards tried to attack, but he slammed his staff into the ground, and the earth swallowed their legs. A pegasus trying to dive bomb him was rewarded with a miniature cyclone coming out of the tip of the staff, slamming him into a tree with the crackle of breaking wing bones. Flash struggled to get out, before giving up. The Friar looked at him curiously. Then, he frowned.
Why had the Friar forgiven him? It was a question he didn't understand.
Hideout.
I sat back down, covering my face with my hands. Beside me, Quick Hoof looked at me sympathetically.
Author's Note
Most villains are doing it for the evils.
