"From- no, love Lilium... AGH!" The frustrated, pale blue unicorn tossed the crumpled up letter in the trash. "Why is this so difficult?!" She slammed her head on the desk with a resounding thud and a pained groan. "Why can't I just kick my problem away?!" Her eyes locked onto the photos hanging on the wall above her desk. Of her friends in the military academy, of her home in Canterlot, of all the silly adventures she went on back home, and the stallion she secretly longed for. "Shining..." she whispered.
. . . . . . . .
Her cheeks turned bright red at the thoughts racing through her mind, which was swiftly followed by another head slam on the desk. "Owww." She was gonna break something in her brain at this rate (of course, she's taken enough blows to head where it probably wouldn't do too much damage). That hit must've jogged something in her memory, "Wait, wasn't I supposed to do something today?"
Some light knocks outside her door interrupted her thoughts, it would have to wait.
"In a sec!" She levitated the trash bin full of discarded letters and hid them under her desk, she was hoping the chair and the shadow cast by the desk would be enough camouflage. Otherwise, she probably would've incinerated the contents but she really didn't have the time. Plus, the last time she did that, her superiors yelled at her and threatened a court marshal, so that was out.
The door opened to reveal a gray pegasus mare with a big grin on her face, but her smile quickly faded when she saw Lilium standing idly in the middle of the room. "What. Are. You. Doing. Here?!"
Well that was a stupid question. "Grace, it's my room, I live here. What are YOU doing here?"
Her eye twitched, and then she put on a forced smiled. "Oh, nothing~" She just let herself in, walking right by Lilium and examining the contents of the room. "I just thought I'd drop in to see how my fellow soldier and long time best friend was doing. Just... enjoying herself in here." Where was she going with this?
Lilium raised an eyebrow suspiciously, "Yyyyeah?" She knew that sarcastic tone Grace was using. But for the life of her, Lilium couldn't really understand why Grace was beating around the bush. 'Just tell me already!'
As Grace paced around the room, she couldn't help but stare at the photos on the wall. "Oh it's just, I thought that after you aced your Arcane Combat tests, you promised yourself that you would do... something."
"!" She knew exactly what Grace was referring to. And she knew she was in for a lecture..."
"Something... important to you. Something that's been bugging you for ages-"
"Okay, stop, I get it." She grudgingly brought the trash bin out from under her desk. "I promised myself, that if I passed my tests. Then I would confess to Shining Armor. I know that..." She trailed off, eying her failed attempts at a love letter with embarrassment. If it were anyone other than Grace looking into her failed attempts at writing down her true feelings, then she couldn't be held responsible for her actions. Plus they'd never find the body.
"If you know, then just get it over with. Get out there and tell him."
"It's not that simple. I'm no good with this, girly emotions and stuff. I'm more used to punching out my problems." There was one other reason why she couldn't confess, 'Because Shining already...' But she wasn't going to tell that to Grace.
"Look, I just don't want to be rejected and then end up losing someone... so important to me." It was a half lie, while she was indeed afraid of being rejected, Lilium was not the type to let fear alone stop her from doing something. "Besides, we're both in the Equestrian military, our jobs don't exactly give a lot of time for romance and frilly frue-frue girly stuff like that, and I'm not exactly the best mare for him and-"
"Stop." Grace raised a hoof to Lilium's mouth, "you just keep coming up with excuse after excuse about why you can't. And, ya know what? I agree with you. You're kind of pathetic, Lilium. You're not girly, you're not particularly cute, you're not a very good soldier, you're blunt, mean, violent, vulgar-"
"Okay! I get it, I suck!" Lilium's self-esteem couldn't take another hit from Grace's barrage of insults. 'Dear Celestia, what DO I have going for me?!'
"But, despite all that. You're loyal to a fault, you try your best to help your friends, you're honest and don't have a deceptive bone in your body, you're selfless and while you're not fashion model cute you do have your own... charm." Grace explained while examining the crumpled up love letters. "You're a lot of things Lilium, but one thing you aren't is a bad pony."
"Uh, thanks?" Lilium, didn't exactly know how to feel about the backhanded compliments. "What are you doing?" She asked as Grace picked through the trash bin filled with nothing but crumpled up love letters that she hated.
"...But, you really suck at writing, ya know that?"
And there's the insults again, it was kind of starting to piss her off. "Yes, I get it!" She stamped her hooves down in indignation, "I suck at romance what do you want from me?!"
Grace turned her head and looked directly into Lilium's bright purple eyes. "The first thing you're gonna do, is stop obsessing over what you're gonna say. Then you're gonna march down to Shining Armor's room, and just tell him how you feel."
Why didn't Grace get that it WASN'T that easy for Lilium?! "But it's not that easy-"
"Yes it is! Right now, you're your own worst enemy. You're making too big of a deal out of it, just get it over with. And I know you're gonna say: 'What if he rejects me?' That's always a chance with confessions, but I believe it's better if you know for certain rather than spend years wondering: what if?"
"...." Lilium was speechless, she levitated the picture of Shining Armor from her wall of photos over to her side. 'What would you do?'
Of course she knew the answer to that, she sighed, "You're right." She quietly acknowledged, "I'm not gonna run from this. I promised myself, and... I do want to know. I want to know so badly that it's eating away at me, and if I don't get my answer then I might just explode! Dear Celestia, what am I doing here?!" And with that, Lilium raced out of her room with the cry of: "GO GET 'EM GIRL!" on her tail.
"Shining Armor, I want to see you! I want to tell you!"
A small filly bit back her tears, it was Hearts and Hooves day and while everyone in her class was getting presents and cards and sweets, she had received something. A surprise for someone like her, who didn't have any real friends. She eagerly opened the contents... but, it contained something that no filly should receive. Someone had carefully decorated a pretty little card for her, it put a smile on her face to know that someone actually cared about her. However, when she opened it, all she found was just a horrible cruel joke that still hurt her to remember. She'd excused herself and went to go cry under the stairs where no one could see her.
"Shining, I don't think you can ever understand just how much you mean to me."
As the small filly fought back the urge to cry out right there, a colt's voice spoke up. "Hey, what're you doing down here?"
She eyed the white coated unicorn and glared at him, "N-None of your business." She turned away from him. "What?" She knew he was still there, she swished her tail in a shooing motion. "Just leave me alone, alright!" She didn't want to see anyone right now, she just wanted to kick someone real hard in the face. And if this stupid little colt didn't leave her alone right now, then she couldn't be held responsible for-
A small little box was dropped next to her. It was wrapped up in a nice little red bow.
"Wanna share?" The colt asked while levitating a saddle bag of sweets.
"...Fine." She whispered while turning her head away from him. She really didn't want him to see the deep red blush on her face, or hear how loud her heart was thumping. Could he even hear that?
"I think when you said that to me, I was already in love with you. But, maybe I didn't realize it at the time or maybe my love is something that just grew over time? Either way..."
Memories of her life, of times where Shining was sad and she was there to comfort him, when they'd hang out at each other's houses, when they'd study for big tests, when they got their cutie marks. They were practically a couple already, but...
Lilium knew of her, Cadance. She saw the way Shining looked at her, and it would hurt her just a little bit knowing that Shining would never look at Lilium the same way.
"I don't know when I started to resent her."
It was during their adolescent years, with a group of friends they'd all went to an amusement park in Fillydelphia. And it was there that Lilium and Cadance had been paired together on the Ferris wheel. They'd reached the very top but it had stalled, that's where they talked about Shining Armor.
"Hey, Lilium, can I ask you something?" Cadance asked shyly.
"Shoot, not like we have anything better to do." Honestly, Lilium would rather have kept her interactions with Cadance to a minimum. But in this case, it was unavoidable, she may as well humor her.
"It's about Shining Armor. Do you think he likes me?"
Lilium knew exactly what she was asking, but she chose to feign ignorance. "Well of course he likes you, he likes everyone." She'd never known Shining Armor to be a pony to hate others, that's for sure.
She scratched the back of her head. "No I mean, do you think he likes me." She reiterated.
"Ohhh. Well..."
"I could've said anything, but I instead chose to be evasive. Maybe, I should've lied to her? No. No. I couldn't do that. I'm a lot of things, but a liar I am not. And so we talked, we talked about Shining Armor, a lot. Maybe I should've been more forward about how I felt about him? Would it have mattered? There was a reason I never told Shining Armor how much I... loved him."
It was a cold winter day, when Shining Armor had told her of something. It was sometime after they both got accepted into the Equestrian Military academy, what should've been a day for celebration and parties was instead the day when he told Lilium that he was in love. But it wasn't with her, it was with Cadance. Years later, and the scar on her heart still hurt more than she realized, things had never truly been the same for them. Time that he'd have normally spent with Lilium, were instead spent with Cadance. She'd convinced herself that she'd eventually get over him, that it was pointless to hope for anything more, and she even tried to push the two ponies into being a real couple as opposed to ponies who just made googly eyes at each other so she could stop feeling that hole in her heart whenever she saw him. Those were the times that hurt her the worst, when she had to force a smile...
She stood in front of Shining Armor's door, but she didn't try to open it just yet. She pressed her ear to the door, she could definitely hear things rustling behind the door. She took a deep breath, steadying her nerves. She pressed her hoof to the door, but she wouldn't move. The fear was taking hold of her motor skills, she nearly turned around and walked back but then Grace's words rang in her ear.
"...it's better if you know for certain rather than spend years wondering: what if?"
She bit her lip, her internal battle just getting worse and worse. Stay or go? Stay or go? Stay or go?!
"Lilium?" Shining Armor's voice caught her off guard. "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What's up?"
Lilium leaned against the wall, feigning coolness. "Oh you know, I just like hanging around places like this."
"...In front of my room?"
"Hey this place has a really great view!" It was an empty hallway with maybe one potted plant in the corner. 'Someone should probably water that thing, it's starting to wilt.'
"Uh-huh..." Shining rolled his eyes, and then a smile crossed his face. "Well, while you're here, come on in. There's something I wanna show you, it'd be really great if I can get your opinion on it."
"Oh?" Well this was a surprise, she'd expected to have coax him out of the room, but this works too. Maybe this whole confession thing would be easier than she thought? Or... Maybe Shining was actually going to confess to her?! The thought of it sent her heart aflutter for about eight seconds before it dropped back to normal levels, 'Wait, wait, no that can't be it. Probably just needs me my opinion on a flower or something. My parents did run a flower shop back in Canterlot, after all.'
"Ya mind closing the door?" Shining asked while rummaging around the saddlebag next to his bed.
Thump-thump
"S-Sure?" She telekinetically closed the door behind her, then resumed her pacing, her mind was abuzz about what Shining Armor wanted to talk to her about? She noticed Shining's wall of photos above his desk, just like hers. It brought a kind warmth to her heart and a smile to her face as she examined the pictures, remembering when they were taken and... then her eyes locked on a picture of them as foals, hugging, with Lilium acting like she hated the hug but she'd secretly hoped that the hug would last forever. She saw how well cared for the picture was, and that just gave her the kick in the flank she needed! 'Okay. I'm gonna do it before I lose my nerve!'
She wheeled around, "Shi-" He was already standing there. Holding a letter in his telekinetic grip, with very elegant stationery, and the few words she could read- 'OH CELESTIA, THAT'S A LOVE LETTER!' Her heart fluttered, Shining was presenting it to her?! "Shining, I-" She whispered, she could feel another smile coming on. 'I love you Shining, just say it! Just say it!' She opened her mouth to speak the words she'd always wanted to say-
"I'm hoping I can get your opinion on this letter to Cadance."
And suddenly, all that confidence just drained away in eight seconds flat. "Letter to, Cadance?" She repeated silently, she felt her hooves shaking and a hollow pit forming in her chest. 'Don't cry. Don't you dare cry.' She cleared her throat. "Y-Yeah of course I can but um... can you like, I don't know... step out for a second? It's, um... really uncool to read these girly things in front of ponies."
Shining's eyes lit up! "Oh, I got an idea. I'll stand outside my door, and then you read the letter as if you're saying it to me! That way I can kind of understand how it might sound to someone."
There was no way she could refuse, Shining had already left the room. Lilium sighed as she stared at the contents, her heart was... breaking. So much, it hurt a thousand times worse than that time Shining Armor told her how he felt about Cadance. 'I shouldn't have stepped outside today!'
She sat against the door as she lifted the letter to eye level. 'Might as well get this over with...'
Dear Cadance,
Do you remember when we first met? It was in the Spring, mom and dad had told me that Twilight needed a foalsitter. Naturally, I volunteered but they told me that they needed someone who wasn't so busy with extracurriculars, and that's when they introduced you to me. A friend of the family referred you to us, and they'd been talking with you for several days without my knowledge. Do you remember how annoyed I looked? It was like my family thought that I wasn't mature enough to watch Twilight. I don't really blame them, we did get into plenty of trouble before we met you.
During the Winter was when Lilium first met Twilight Sparkle; Shining had brought her in to warm up from the sudden snow storm. It was when Shining was making hot cocoa that Lilium first locked eyes with Twilight Sparkle. The very first thing Lilium said to her was: "You have nice eyes." And then Twilight just went back to burying her face in the... very complicated book she was reading. Wasn't the most memorable introduction but Lilium had tried to talk about the book with Twilight, only to have the contents just fly right over her head.
Every school day, I'd come home two hours late and you'd be there with Twilight. I was shocked, to say the least. Twilight's never been a very social filly, so to see her laughing so happily with someone who wasn't me, well that just put a smile on my face. It was nice to know that Twilight had a friend outside me and our parents. Still can't believe she caught the eye of princess Celestia. Thinking on it now, I think it was those moments we spent together just hanging out with Twilight, when I started to notice you. Not just as a friend and Twilight's foalsitter but, as a mare who I really cared for, more than anyone.
Those words cut into her like a knife, but she kept reading.
For years, I did nothing about these feelings. I just watched you from afar, tried to be a friend to you, and enjoyed this little game of house that the three of us shared. It wasn't until I started talking about these feelings to my best friend, Lilium, that my little crush started to turn into something more. Lilium always listened to me, she was one of the few ponies I could really talk to. I couldn't talk to any of the guys, they'd call me a wuss. I couldn't tell Twilight, it was big pony stuff. Honestly, I don't think I could've come to this conclusion without Lilium's support.
'Stop it.' Tears were starting to well up, 'dammit, don't you dare cry.'
I'm not gonna beat around the bush anymore, I love you, Cadance. I may not be the strongest pony, the smartest, the most handsome, but my feelings for you will never change.
'Stop it.'
And, even if you don't feel the same way about me, then that's fine. I just wanted you to know how I really felt, it's been eating away at me for years and I just wanted you to know the truth. Now that it's out in the open, I feel like a great weight has lifted off my shoulders. So, if you want to give us a chance, then... please let me know. Because I don't want to just tell you in a letter, I want to tell you just how much I love you, and how much you mean to me, face-to-face.
-Love; Shining Armor
"...." She was silent for a few minutes, her face buried in her forelegs, muttering little muffled cries and fighting back the tears with every fiber of her being. 'I am not going to cry. I will not cry.' She needed to be strong, she refused to let Shining see her in this pathetic state.
"Lilium? You went quiet at the end. It's bad isn't it? I'm no good with that sappy stuff, maybe I should just-"
"No." She choked out, "no, it's... it's fine. It's... it's perfect as it is." Lilium wasn't the best judge of love letters (having spent many nights trying to come up with the best one she could), but she could just feel the overwhelming love from each word that Shining had for Cadance. But that love was a double-edged sword for Lilium, because each word was like a dagger in her heart. "Don't change it. Just send it." She wanted this to be over with as soon as possible, and she definitely didn't want to read another love letter meant for someone who wasn't her.
"Really? That's great!" His excitement was a perfect opposite to how she felt. "Then, can you come with me to the mail room? I think I'll lose my nerve if I go alone."
She wiped the tears forming at the edge of her eyes, "Of course!" She needed to take a page out of Grace's book and hide her emotions behind a mask. "What a best friend for?"
Lilium had chosen to take the scenic route to the mail room, Shining didn't seem to mind. Maybe she was hoping that he'd lose his nerve and then she'd be able to confess her feelings to him, or maybe she was just prolonging the inevitable? Even she wasn't entirely sure. She'd tried to enjoy the conversation, but... it was different now. It didn't feel the same, already their friendship was different.
"So, you really love Cadance?"
"Yeah." He said without delay, "I think... this is real. I mean it has to be real, right?"
She didn't want to answer that, but she had to. "Y-Yeah!it has to be..." She faked enthusiasm, she prayed to Celestia that this was all just one terrible nightmare that she'd wake up from any moment now.
"Ya know, I really have you to thank for this."
'Please don't.'
"I mean, if you weren't around to talk to and encourage me, then I don't know if I ever would've worked up the courage. Heck, I don't even know if Cadance really feels the same way about me. But, I wanna try, I wanna try to make it work, and I wanna be the kind of stallion worthy for a princess." His words held no deceit and no doubts. He really believed that he could make it work with Cadance. "And if she doesn't feel the same way well... at least I'll know that I gave it my best shot. Better than not knowing, right?"
She couldn't take it anymore, she had to say it; right here, right now! Otherwise she'd just break down into a pathetic little sad sack right then then and there. She trotted out in front of him, "Shining. Listen. There's something I-"
"Shining!" A worried looking stallion came barreling down the hall, "Thank Celestia, look I need your help!"
"Can it wait, I'm a little busy-"
"No, it can't wait! You're the only one who can help me with this, come on bro, I need you! I'm pulling out the friend card, it's that serious!" The stallion pulled out what looked like a laminated index card with the words: Friendship Card, good for one free favor (as long as it's not something illegal), written in bold, bright red colors.
"Woah, really?" Shining looked to Lilium, then back to the stallion, and then to Lilium again. He passed his saddlebag over to Lilium, "Can you go ahead and deliver this to the mail room?"
"What?" No, she really didn't want to do that, that was just way too cruel.
"I think this is gonna take a while, and I might lose my nerve so... if you can just give it to the mail room ponies, it'll be a huge favor to me!" He said with the saddlebag still gripped in his telekinetic magic while he was pushed down the hall by the stallion. "I'll meet up with you later and we'll get something to eat or whatever!"
"Shining wait, I-" It was too late. He was already gone. "...DAMMIT!" She bucked the nearby wall in frustration, hard. She had just gotten up the courage, she was so close, just a few more seconds and she would've... "ARGH!" Her second kick broke a hole in the wall. She eyed the saddlebag with nothing but contempt. 'If only this letter didn't exist.' And then, she started to think.
"Ya know, I could lose the letter."
Yeah. She could, couldn't she? All she had to do was take the letter, and burn it, Shining would never question her. Or better yet, change the address so it gets sent somewhere else, in case the mail ponies say they never received it. It wouldn't be that difficult to cover all the routes leading to her; she could really get away with it, if she put her mind to it.
"Yeah. I'm the one who's known him longer, I'm the one who's been there for him, I'm the one who should be the mare at his side. It should be me!"
She took the letter out of the saddlebag with her telekinetic grip, the gears in her mind working to come up with a brilliant machination. Somewhere inside her, she felt this was wrong, that she wasn't this kind of pony; well that side of her can go right to hell, she was not about to lose to some princess who probably only liked him because of... some stupid princess reason!
"Maybe I'll rewrite it, make it so Cadance will never wanna speak to Shining Armor again. He'll be so distraught and then I can swoop in and-
She froze when she caught a glimpse of something else in Shining Armor's saddlebag. She lifted it up with her magic and gazed upon a picture of her, Shining Armor, Twilight Sparkle, Cadance, Grace, and their other friends. The longer she stared at the picture, the more she realized what she was about to do. 'No.' She looked down at her hooves, she grew horrified at what she had been thinking of doing. 'No. I can't do that.' She had seen such an ugly side of herself, a side that was so... unlike her in every way. What had she been thinking?!
"You're a lot of things Lilium, but one thing you aren't is a bad pony."
'I'm not a bad pony.' She gathered up Shining Armor's belongings in the saddle bag and then she started putting one hoof in front of the other, which then turned into a light trot, and then a full speed gallop. That little voice in the back of her head told her she was making a big mistake, but she ignored it. 'I'm not a bad pony.' Shining Armor was not in love with her, he was in love with Cadance. She can't force him to love her with underhanded tricks, and she can't just tear them apart because she wants to be with him. 'I'm not a bad pony.'
There was a nice little hill on the Academy grounds, it was quiet, peaceful, and had a great view of the horizon. But she wasn't there to watch the beautiful scenery laid out before her, she was there because hardly anyone ever walked by; it was the perfect place to be alone. She never went back to her room that day, Grace was there and she really didn't want to have to trot back to the friend who gave her so much encouragement and tell her just how badly she screwed up. She'd spent all of yesterday in a depressed daze wandering around and avoiding the ponies in the Academy, and now she had wound up here to stare into the twilight sky. She needed to just let it out for a little while, and then she'd make her way back to her room wearing a mask of happiness. She sniffled, and then wiped her snot away. Was it okay to cry now? She hardly ever cried, she needed to put on the strong facade around others but... maybe just a little bit was fine? She was just about to let it run loose when-
"Lilium?" His voice stopped her cold.
"S-Shining?!" She hastily wiped the tears that had been forming. "Wh-What are you doing here?"
"Well, I was looking for you to..." His voice trailed off as he stared intently into her eyes. "Lilium, are you okay?"
"W-What? Who? Me? Y-Yeah, I'm just fine! Never better! I'm one of Equestria's best arcane combat specialists, I've got fans and rivals you know, the usual and-"
Shining suddenly put his hooves on her shoulders and turned her to him, "Lilium. You're not fine." He saw right through her in just an instant, where was that magnificent intuition just a little while ago? "Talk to me, I'm your friend, you can tell me anything."
No, she really didn't want to tell him this. But, there was no way he was gonna let this go. "You really wanna know? Fine." She brushed his hooves off her shoulders. She turned her back to him and sighed, "See, there's this Stallion that I've always really... loved."
"Well that's great, Lilium!"
"But he's..." She needed to choose her next words carefully. Ah to heck with it, she wasn't a great liar anyways. "He's in love with someone else. Actually, he'll never love me. At all. I, recently had to watch him confess his love to the mare of his dreams. They look great together, and I know they'll have a happy future. But still, it's hard to just tell my heart to stop feeling... like this. So, I don't really know what to do anymore."
"...." Shining Armor was silent for a while, until he finally did something. He turned Lilium around and brought her into a tight hug. "I'm sorry." What was he apologizing for? Had he figured out who the stallion in her story was? "I don't know what I can say to fix your broken heart, any stallion would be lucky to have you as a marefriend, so-"
"It's okay." She wrapped her hooves around him and hugged him back, burying her face into his shoulder. "Just let me stay like this for a while." She cried. Really cried, not just let out little tear droplets but she was bawling like a filly as she hugged him. She knew that the moment this hug stopped, then she'd have to give up her love. The moment she let go, then that would be the end to this chapter. She wished it could last forever, just like she wished the hug they shared when they were foals would last forever. However, she knew it couldn't. Time had to keep moving forward, and every story needed an end.
She watched as the sun rose, washing her old self away with its incandescent, warm rays. Tears were still streaming down her face but... now, a smile spread across her face; A sad, sorrowful smile of farewell. Yes, while every story needed to end, hers was not over. This was just the end of one chapter in the life of the unicorn soldier known as Lilium.
Author's Note
Apparently, Luna bars are a real thing. News to me.
I originally planned for a longer fic, but I blanked on the last chapter of that one. So I released this instead, I wrote it in about a day and drew the cover/chapter art in less time and while sleep deprived so...bear with me.
A note about Lilium and Grace. They aren't OC ponies, they're actually background ponies. I had to give Lilium a name because she's listed as: "Unnamed Unicorn Mare #9."
Hope that's okay? ^-^a
