Jigsaw Ponyby Madcow PonyChaptersRarity and Princess Twilight SparkleRainbow Dash and Applejack [Gross]Pinkie Pie and Princess LunaRarity and Princess Twilight SparkleAuthor's Note I wrote this short story on /mlp/ several years ago. It had a good enough reception I thought I would do a small series on this concept. Several lazy years later I finally finished editing it and published it! Rarity and Princess Twilight Sparkle Your Anonymous, Equestria's only human resident. How did you get here? How do you get home? Why are you green and have no face? These are all question you given up asking a long time ago. Now you simply just enjoy your life, living rent free in Twilight's place, mooching off Rarity any chance you get, and earning booze money at Sweet Apple Acres. Today is Saturday and you just woke up like you have always done since finding your self in Equestria. Rolling over to get out of bed, you quickly realize two things. First, you cannot move. Second you appear to be standing... “Rarity! I think hes come to," cried a familiar female voice. "Anon can you hear me?” Opening your eyes, you lift your head in the direction of the voice only to be greeted a peculiar sight. Across from you, Princess Twilight Sparkles and Rarity are shackled to the opposite wall. Both mares are restrained in an unnatural standing position with their forelegs stretched above their heads. Under normal conditions you would have had made a clever bondage fetish joke at their expense, but sadly your not a morning person. “Wh- what? Where... Hun?” Shaking the fog of sleep from you head you continue your line of inquiry, “Whats going on? Where are we?” “I'm not sure," cried the purple alicorn, as she attempts to pull her hoof free of the shackle. "We only woke up a couple of minutes before you did, Anon.” “Is it not obvious? Its that deviant, Jigsaw!” screeches Rarity. “Who else would lock up helpless damsels... and Anon, in such a drab dungeon?!” Really taking in your surrounding for the first time you notice that you are in fact in some type of dimly lit makeshift dungeon. The far wall consist of metal sheets bolted together. There are a series of shackles protruding from the floor and walls every couple feet. Up above there are a series of objects hanging from the ceiling hiding in the shadows just out of reach of the room's one lit lamp. “Who's this Jigsaw? Why would he kidnap... ponynap us?” you ask while absently inspecting your own shackles. “No pony knows for sure,” replied Twilight. “All we know for sure is that he ponynaps helpless ponies in the middle of the night, takes them to one of his many dungeons, and forces them to play his twisted games.” “The most dreadful part is...” Rarity pauses for what you can only presume is dramatic affect, “No pony has survived any of his games!” You furrow your brow at her statement. “If no pony has ever survived then how do you know that he makes them play games in the first place?” “Well, you see... Heh...” Rarity's cheeks start to flush red as she thinks of a reply. “Okay, you caught me, so I was over exaggerating.” “Exaggerating or not," Twilight cuts in. "I don't plan to stick around long enough to find out first hand.” You and Rarity both nod in agreement. The room grows silent as the three of you start brainstorm. Its not too long before you have a eureka moment. Snapping your finger you cry out, “I got it!” Rarity and Twilight's heads snap up in anticipation. “You two are an alicorn and a unicorn can't you just magic us out of here?” Both mares sigh in frustration. “Anon dear, that's the first thing Twilight tried when we first woke up.” “Jigsaw thought ahead," interjected Twilight. "He wrapped our horns in duct tape to prevent us from teleporting free.” You stare at her blankly waiting for her to continue. When its clear shes done with her explanation, you kindly ask her to elaborate, “Duct tape? Really? All you need to stop a an alicorn is regular old duct tape?” Twilight visually stiffens at your words. “This is one of the many reasons why Luna has been trying to get it outlawed. Besides its not like we would just let some one walk up to us and cover our horns in-” Twilight is interrupted by a loud burst of radio static. Looking around the three of you find the source of the noise to be a PA system built into the wall several feet above the mares. Soon the static is replaced by a deep eerie voice, “Hello, Anonymous Unknown. You have been a terrible friend. You have neglected those who clothed you, those who gave you shelter, and those who gave you companionship. I would like to rectify that. “Lets play a game, Anonymous. Direct your attention to the devices above your heads." More lights come on relieving a series of metallic canisters hanging from the ceiling. "Each dispenser contains 3 liters of pre-chewed bubble gum. In 10 minutes each device will release its contents, ruining Rarity's hair, Twilight's books, and Chippy the wood chipper.” Another light to your right turns on revealing a pile of books from the Golden Oak Library and a wood chipper. “Yes! Not even Chippy, your only companion from you days working at Sweet Apple Acres, is safe from this madness! But not all is lost. In your pocket is a remote. You may surrender your self to the sticky-icky doom to save one and only one of your friends. The choice is yours.” There is a electronic screech just before the PA system goes silent. Reaching down you find the shackles on you wrist inhibit your attempts to reach your pant's pockets. Doing a little jig, you are able to move your hips close enough to your left hand to pull out the remote Jigsaw had mention. “Anon... Save my books.” Looking up from the remote, you are met with princess quality puppy eyes. “What about Rarity? Bubble gum in her hair is a little more devastating then -” “She passed out before Jigsaw mentions that you could save her. She wont be any the wiser when she comes to.” “I don't kn-” "SAVE MY FUCKING BOOKS OR I WILL RIP YOU DICK OFF THROUGH YOUR ASS!" You feel a cold sweat spread over your neck and back. You cannot recall ever hearing a pony threaten someone, let alone swear. Looking at the remote you see that it has three buttons each labeled with a scribbly lines. This is one of the few times you really wish you took Twilight up on her offer to teach you to read Equestrian. If you randomly press a button, then at best you have a one in three chance of guessing which buttons will spare Twilight's books and in turn yourself. At worst you will probably have a ten second head start before Twilight rages through her manacles and peels that duct tape off her horn. Taking a deep breath you close your eyes and press the middle button... nothing happens. You press it a couple more times for good measure and still nothing happens. “Uhm... Mr Jigsaw, I made my choice... can we hurry this up?” your request is met with only silence. “I- I have to use the little human's room if you catch my drift.” The PA system squeaks back to life as the eerie voice returns, “Oh! Sorry, Nony. I'll see if I can't speed up the timer.” After the PA system goes quiet you hear the sound of spinning gears. Tilting you head up to the source of the noise, you look on in horror as the pre-chewed gum is shot from a small cannon towards your face. The gum lands with a sickening smack, completely envelopes your face. Soon after you feel the shackles around your arms give way. Unable to breath you quickly start clawing the gum from your mouth and nose. “You saved that stupid WOOD CHIPPER?” Still desperately clearing an air way you realizing you will not have the time to peal the rest of the gum off your entire face, you blindly choose a direction and run at full speed. Its not long before you run head first into something cold and hard. You feel your legs give way and you fall to the ground. Before you black out the last thing you hear is the sound of approaching hoof-steps and the sound of duct tape pealing free. Rainbow Dash and Applejack [Gross]Author's Note I don't expect any one to believe me, but I swear I first started to write this before Fallout 4 was announced.... p.s. Sorry, not sorry, for the toilet humor. Rainbow Dash and Applejack [Gross] Be Anon, Equestria's only human. Today you just woke up in some type of space capsule. Sadly this is not that unusual for you. After doing some stretches in the limited space, you finally decide its time to take a look through the capsule's viewing window and find out who is responsible for your space age imprisonment this time. Swearing to the almighty Floating Spaghetti Monster, if its Yellow Quiet or Purple Smart again your going to burn down their respective houses this time. Out side the capsule, you are able to make out a second smaller capsule across the room leaning against a dull metal wall, and in between on the concrete floor is a sleeping Applejack. Kidnapping and crude prison like atmosphere, this must be the work of Jigsaw. About once a week since arriving here in Equestria, you have been kidnapped by the 'dreaded' Jigsaw Pony. His real identity is a mystery, but rumor has it that his cutie mark is a thousand screaming ponies locked in an endless maze. Personally, you figure its a jigsaw or something just as stupid. Well, its about time to get this game started. "Applejack!" you yell while kicking the inside of the capsule, "Wake up!" A cyan face appears in the window of the smaller capsule across the room. "Hey, Anon, didn't expect to see you here!" called Rainbow Dash. "Who were you expect to see?" "I don't know. A changeling or two? Maybe Twilight running one of her cloning experiments?" replied Dash, waiving a hoof dismissively in the air. "Wait! you're not a clone, are you? Because I have rules about talking to clones..." "I'm pretty sure I'm the original Anon. Besides this looks like one of Jigsaw's games, not Twilight's secret basement lab." "What? Jigsaw?" yawned the orange sleepy mare. "It should be next to the toolbox in the..." trailing off Applejack, as she slowly scans the room taking in the scenery. "Ah, dang-it! Twilight, I don't remember signing any consent forms regarding any-" "Tssshhhh" screeched the speakers mounted above each capsule. "Hello, Applejack. Your work at the orchard has consumed your life. You let all your relationships with your friends and family fall at the wayside. I would like to remind you how important and fleeting these relationships are." "Hold on now! That ain't true! Dash and ah meet up once every week for a friendly competition. We even had one this mornin'. " "Regardless, " dismissed the unmistakable voice of the Jigsaw Pony. "Two of your friends are now being held in air tight cryostasis chambers." "Cryostatis chambers? You ponies haven't even invented the telephone yet. Where the hell did these come from?" "They were just sitting here in this old bomb-shelter. Anyhoo! Applejack, these chambers have been modified to slowly dispense a toxin. In five minutes the toxin will build up and your friends will receive a full does of hair remover! Fortunately you should have enough time to save one of your friends from their hairless fate. By dooming one of your friends maybe you will start to fully appreciate your other relationships." "You're making me choose between my friends!" yelled the farm pony with a stomp of her hoof. "That's a low down trick if ah ever heard one. Ah'm thinking ah'll just refuse to choose!" "Yeah, AJ you tell him! Besides, I bet I will look damn good flying around in the buff," bragged the pegasus as she struck a confident pose in her capsule. "Uhm... Rainbow Dash, what will hair remover do to your wing feathers?" "I... ah... I don't know..." Dash's smirk quickly dropped from her face. Pushing her face up to the glass she cried, "Applejack! You gotta get me out of here! I can't spend the next couple weeks without my flight feathers. All my stuff is up in my house!" "Nope! Sorry, Sugar Cube, ah made up my mind. Ah don't want to choose one of you over the other. It ain't fair, to the other." "You can't do this to me! I need my feathers. I don't know what I will do if I can't fly! Besides Anon is a hairless mutant space monkey. He already look dumb, he wont mind losing a little more hair." "I prefer the term 'human'," you reply. Making sure to blatantly glaring at the 'element of loyalty' before turning your attention to Applejack. "She's right, Applejack. You need to get her out of there quickly. I promise not to be made or hold it against you that you chose her over me." Applejack looked from one stasis capsule to the other. "You really promise?" After you give her a single nod, she turns her attention to Dash's capsule. With speed and determination that you have only seen during Zap Apple season, she began bucking the outer shell of Dash's capsule. You watch in amazement as she breaks plastic, dents metal, and dislodges what you can only presume to be a locking mechanisms. Your view through the small window becomes obscured as the air in your stasis chamber start to be come cloudy. Soon after your skin start to tingle all over. It reminds you of that one time Fluttershy though ants might be your fetish... A rapping sound from the foggy viewing port pulls you back to reality. Looking through the window you can barley make out a cyan blue blob extending its hoof out in front of the window. It takes a second but you quickly realize Rainbow Dash is trying to give you a thumbs up without thumbs... Returning the gesture, you begin to feel clumps of hair roll down the back of your neck, while one manly tear begins rolling down your face. As the air continues to fill with the greyish smoke, you begin to find your self taking deeper and deeper breaths. With each intake of air you find your self more and more out of breath. What is supposed to happen next? All my hair has already fallen out. Shouldn't the chamber open or at the least start venting out this gas? You must have looked as panicked as you felt, because Rainbow Dash has disappeared from the window, and a series of dull thuds can now be heard emanating from the base of the capsule. There is a ringing in your ear now that is starting to drowned out the rhythmical sound of hoofs clashing on metal. Darkness is creeping in from the corners of your vision. With a click and a hiss the door to the stasis chamber swings open. Falling onto your hands and knees you greedily gasp for fresh air. An orange hoof starts to gently massage the space between your shoulder blades, "That was a close one. Ah thought we were going to loose you for sure." "Me... to..." you reply between breaths. "I think that's the first time I have ever feared for my life during one of Jigsaw's games." "Tsssshhh!" screeched the PA system. "Applejack, today you almost lost a friend. I hope you now understand how important all of your friendships are. Remember that once you leave... BUCK ME!" The three of you simply stare at the now silent PA system. After a bit the two mares exchange a worried look before turning towards you. "Don't look at me! I don't know what the hell's going on either." This game has had a lot of first for you. Cryostasis chambers, poison gas and near death experiences, and now what ever this is... A moment later the PA system sparks back to life. "I know this is rather unprofessional of me, but it appears I left the keys to the door at home today. I'm super duper sorry about this. I will be back in two wags of the little baby lambs wiggly tail!" With that the room goes silent once again. The three of you just sit there taking in what was just said. You do not know if you should be laughing or crying. In either case you are pretty sure this is going to be one of those stories you cannot help but tell everyone after you have had a little too much cider. The silence is eventual broken by a gurgling sound. Instantly Rainbow Dash wraps her hooves around her stomach. "Hungry?" you ask quizzically. Beads of sweat start to form on her forehead as she hastily looks around the room, "It's not food going in that I'm worried about." Applejack's jaw drops open, "Sweet Celestia, you gotta be kidding me." "What's going on?" you ask turning from one mare to the other. Rainbow Dash looks to be in physical pain as she trots in a small circle looking for something, "Remember the weekly completion AJ and I have each week?" "Yeah... What of them?" The pain stricken pegasus limps over your now vacant stasis chamber leaving you and the yellow farm pony alone. "Prune juice drinkin' competition," replied Applejack. "What? Applejack turns to you with a sad but serious look on her face, "The completion we has this morning was a drinking competition, but with both of us having work later today we decided to hold off on cider. The only other thing we had in the fridge was Granny Smith's prune juice-" As if on cue Applejack was interrupted by a sound that would give Eldritch horrors nightmares. Clearing her throat, the yellow mare nodded to the stasis chamber. "Dashy won." Awkwardly you and Applejack start looking around the room aimlessly trying to take your minds off of the sounds emanating from the makeshift port-a-john. Then the muse starts to sing to you as you look down at your shoes. With speed you never new your hands could maintain you unlace and remove your shoes. Applejack notices your hast and follows you over to the occupied stasis chamber. With a puzzled look she watches as you jam your shoes under the door to the stasis chamber. "What are ya doin'?" "Saving the two of us," you reply. "We can't let her out or the whole room will wreak till Jigsaw gets back." You finish just in time to hear a loud thud, and see the chamber shake slightly. Soon after Rainbow Dash appears in the viewing port covering her nose. "Guys the doors stuck. Guys?" Applejack shakes her head before turning to you, "Sorry, Anon. Ah hate to burst your bubble but this room is going to be even more unpleasant if ah don't get my turn in there... Ah was a close second in the prune juice drinkin' competition." It's official. I hate all of you ponies... With a heavy sigh you brace the door with one hand and remove your shoes with the other. "On the count of three Applejack is going to run in, and I want Dash to fly out. I don't want the door open any longer than needed." Rainbow Dash nods vigorously. "Ready? 1... 2... 3!" As you open the door, you watch as a rainbow blur flies over and behind Applejack, and a brown blur flows out the bottom of the chamber. Applejack who was ready to run in, now reals back in horror. Seeing that your plan has failed you cut your losses and slam the door shut and flee to the farthest corner of the makeshift dungeon. Unfortunately its too late, the smell is everywhere now. Dropping to your knees you vomit uncontrollably. From the sound of it, Applejack has decided to join you in this newly found fun activity. Your head start to swim and the darkness starts to creep once again into the corners of your vision. Thank you, Flying Spaghetti Monster, for blessing me with unconsciousness and/or death. Before fully embracing the darkness, you hear another round of the most unholy of sounds, followed by Rainbow Dash's cries of horror. "Oh, sweet Celestia! Applejack, aim the other way!" Pinkie Pie and Princess LunaYou are Anonymous, Equestria's only human and today you woke up to the sound of music. Elevator music of all things... You would think in a world where there are individuals with special talents that mark them as the master of their respective art, they would have something better than Elevator music. Maybe the composer's cutey mark symbolizes the mundane? Can a cutey mark symbolizes mastery of abstract concepts? Well, if Princess Cadence's cutey mark represents love, and Princess Twilight's symbolizes boring lectures that make your ears bleed, then I guess why not... Flailing your arm every which way you attempt to find the snooze button on your radio alarm-clock. After a couple of failed attempts you decide the best course of action is to simple bury your head in your comforter. Not until you reach past your feet, in search of your comforter and your hand brushes against a metal chain, do the alarms go off in you head. What is it about kidnapping me do ponies find so interesting!? Do I grant wishes or something?.. What ever... Who could have kidnapped me this time? Sitting up, you frantically begin looking around. The room appears to be roughly 4 meters by 5 meters. The room's solitary light only illuminates a small circle in the center of the room. With in the shadowy adjacent corner lies a large dark blue pony with wings and a horn. Luna? The one who can enter dreams? Is this a dream? Did she kidnap me in my own dream? Being kidnapped in my waking hours is stressful enough, but this is ridiculous! All your cognitive capabilities come to a screeching halt as Luna begins to stir. "Hmm... No more mashed potatoes..." With baited breath you fearfully watch the princess of the night roles out of the shadows onto her back. As she does so, you hear the unmistakable sound of chains rustling. Your mind is once again running at full capacity, and trying to process this new information. Twilight would not kidnap one of the princesses for any of her experiments. I'm pretty sure a three-way is not Fluttershy’s fetish… even if it is mine. That leaves Jigsaw. Jiggy must be getting ballsy if she is now ponynaping heavy hitters from Canterlot. "No, Tia. Let me sleep. The day can reign for a couple more hours… Tia?..” Luna leaps to her hooves, and immediately begins to fight against her chains. With each pull and jerk, a pale glow emanates from the chains. "Whoa! Luna, calm down! I think your chains are enchanted. You wont be able to break free." Even as your words leave your mouth you can tell your warning went unheard. Luna is still thrashing back and forth desperately trying to break free. "Princess Luna, please calm down, before you hurt yourself!" Eventually her thrashing slows. Breathing heavily she looks to her bonds for the first time. There were four manacles, each attached to one of her legs just above the hooves. You quietly wait as she give one of her front hooves a test kick. Her eyes widen as the chain gives off a subtle blue glow. Slowly her posture changes from that of a panicked cornered animal to that of a dignified princes. “Who's there? What is the meaning of this?” "Its me," She cant see you, dipshit. Dragging your own restraints, you stepping closer to the light and try again,"Ah... Anon the human… from Ponyville?" ”Anon? Ah! Anonymous, yes, the Element of Magic, Princess Twilight, has written about you to my sister on several occasions.” The last trace of fear and panic melt from her eyes. “Pray tell, why are we here?” Moving as afar as your binds will let you, you sit on the ground as close to the light as possible, "I’m not sure yet. I think this is one of Jigsaw Pony’s games." ”Jigsaw Pony? Oh, yes! The Element of Magic has made mention of this dastardly villain as well. We were hoping one day to do battle with him. But alas, it appears we may have already lost," Luna mused, while inspecting her chains. "That's doubtful. Jigsaw is not the type to… battle anyone, sh- he is more of the type to drug you and drag you to his dungeons…" scratching the back of your head you recall your first encounter with Jiggy. He had left a nice plate of fresh baked cookies on your door step. "You didn't eat any pastries or baked goods before waking up here, did you?" “Why, yes. Our nightly patrols had brought us to the outskirts of Ponyville. We came across a box set at the foot of the statue of Nightmare Moon. It was addressed to myself. Inside was a single cupcake... We do not remember much after that.” Note to self, write to Celestia and asking her to explain stranger danger to her sister... ”It appears you have had passed experiences with the villain Jigsaw. Does this mean you know the identity of this miscreant?” "I don’t have proof yet but I believe its-" Luna's ears twitch and she jerks her head to the side. “Show your self, vile villain!” You follow her gaze to the wall opposite yours and Luna’s. At first all you can see is a lone toilet, but then you see something in its shadows start to stir. Is this part of the game? Did Jigsaw include some vicious wild animal as incentive to win? Or is Jiggy finally here to greet me face to face? A cold sweat works its way down your back as you watch the shadowy figure stretch out towards the dimly lit circle in the center of the room. First a solitary pink hoof emerges from the shadows. Then a pink mane, and finally two sleepy blue eyes. “Good morning Princess! Good morning Nony!” "Laughter! You gave us such a fright, " exclaimed Luna striking a confident pose. "Given another moment we would have called down a comet to smite thee!” "I doubt that. Unicorns and alicorns are not allowed to use magic in these games." Luna turns towards you with a questioning look, "How does this villain enforce such rules?” You point up towards her horn. She looks up, unable to see her horn in the dim light, she begins to feel it with one of her hooves. ”Duct Tape...” she begins to rub her hooves frantically on the base of her horn. “We told Sister that we should have outlawed this diabolical tool of mischief, but does she listen!” In the end she manages to only move some of the tape up the base of her horn. Desperately she begins looking around the room for something, before setting her gaze on Pinkie. "Laughter, assist me by removing the tape.” Luna walks as far as her manacles will allow and bows her head down towards Pinkie Pie. Pinkie reaches as far as her own manacles will allow but falls short by several feet. ”Sorry Princess, I think Nony’s right. No cheating during Jigsaw’s game.” "Pinkie, you can cut the crap." Jumping up to your feet, you stare daggers at the pink menace, "We know you're Jigsaw." Pinkie slowly turns from Luna to you with the biggest shit eating grin you have ever seen. “But Nony, if I’m Jigsaw then why am I in the game?” lifting up her front two hooves she begins to tap her manacles together. Luna nods in agreement. “Yes, Laughter makes a good point. Why would Jigsaw risk participating in one of his own games?” Letting out a defeated sigh, you slumping back down to the cold ground, "What ever. Just remember, I’m keeping an eye on you Pinkie." Ignoring you, Pinkie begins bounce around the toilet shes chained to. “What kind of game do you think we will have to play? Will it be fun or scary? Oooh! Maybe it will be scary fun! What if-” Pinkie finally shuts her yap, just as the elevator music comes to a stop and a low quality recording kicks in. “Princess Luna. Ever since returning from your banishment you have gone about your life in a fog. Ignoring every other pony unless absolutely necessary. This has left you with many acquaintances but no friends. The only two ponies you ever confide in are Princess Celestia and your stuffed animal Wubby Bear.” Luna becomes visibly annoyed at the mention of her stuffed animal. Her ears drop down and she begins staring daggers at the PA speaker on the ceiling. ”What is it that makes you so afraid to make friends? Is it the knowledge that every one you grew up with and everyone you knew before your banishment are gone, and so will any other pony you choose to be close to? I wish to remove this fear from you. No one is allowed to leave this room till you become friends with your cellmates. Either become friends with them or watch them starve to death. The choice is yours.” There is a moment of silence as the recording ends and the elevator music picks up again. Pinkie Pie emits a squee as she begins jumping up and down on the toilet lid, “I love making new friends! This is going to be so much fun! I wish I had my party supplies or at least some games to-” "May I just point out that this would be the first time I have ever seen Jigsaw use a tape-recording to introduce the game." You grumble as you begin stare daggers at Pinkie again. "Its like he's preoccupy or even tied up some where else..." The pink menace gives you a Cheshire cat smile in return, ”Nony, regardless of what the big meany head is doing, we still have to be come friends with Princess Luna.” Not breaking eye contact, you continue staring her down, "And how do you propose we do that?" "By playing games, Silly. Lets play I Spy! I'll go first. I spy with my blue eyes something... Pink!" Luna gives you a cocked eyebrow look that can only be interpolated as 'Is this bitch serious?' You shrug in reply. Turning back to Pinkie, Luna takes a guess, "Do you spy your self, Laughter?" "Yup! Princess Luna wins round one!" Pinkie Pie stomping her hooves on the toilet seat in applause. "Now on to round two! I spy with-" Nope! I have had enough of the pink ones madness for now. "How about we do something else? Like telling jokes?" "I concur, but with the amendment that we tell riddles instead." You and Pinkie nod in agreement and proceed to let Luna go first. "What is the beginning of eternity, the end of time and space, the beginning of the end, and the end of every place?" The room grows silent as you and Pinkie try to process what you just heard. Unfortunately, the only think your mind can focus on at the moment is wither or not you will be required to tell a rhyming riddle on your turn as well... "Is it a Quasar?" Pinkie calls out. A what? You bring your attention back to the pink pony and the dark blue alicorn. "Incorrect. Anonymous the Human, do you have a guess?" Wait, we're playing with one guess each? This isn't good. Think think think... Its got to be something powerful... Discord? Celestia?... Wait, if I can't win then I might as well go for the brownie points. "Are you the answer?" Upon hearing your answer, Luna puffs out her chest and throws head back. "We know many spells and have near limitless power, but not even we can create or destroy all of existence." +100 brownie points to Anon "The correct answer is the letter E" Luna watches contently as both you and Pinkie silently retell the riddle to yourselves checking the validity of the answer. "That was a toughie! Princess Luna wins again! I guess that means its Nony's turn." Not knowing any riddles that rhyme you simply fall back on an old classic you recall from highschool, "What walks on four legs at dawn, on two legs during the day and three legs in the evening?" Pinkie Pie and Princess Luna turn to each other with a look of confusion. Its several minutes before Pinkie takes her guess, "Is it Berry Punch and her daily cycle of sobriety?" Your forced to hold back your laugh. You do not know if the princess would approve of you laughing at some pony's alcohol problem, "Sorry Pinkie, wrong again. Luna do you have a guess?" "Is it an ill Blogle rat?" "Sorry Luna, your incorrect as well. The answer is man." ”Man?” both mares parrot in confusion. "Well, I guess I mean humans-" Luna grunts in disapproval, “If that's true, then Magic's anatomy reports on you have been severally lacking.” "Its a metaphor for human life. In the dawn of our lives we, humans, crawl on all fours as infants. During the day of our lives we walk upright as adults. And at the evening of our lives we walk with a cane as the elderly." Pinkie looks at you as though you have said the most deep and awe-inspiring thing ever. Luna on the other hand has curled up into a ball facing away from every one else. “And at night of your lives you, humans, die.” Warning bells go off in your head. This is the friendless Princess of the night with severe self esteem issues, and you pretty much just said she was the living analogy of death. Jigsaw is not going to like this. Brain, its time for damage control. I know you can do this. If you can bullshit your way through twelfth grade English Literature, then you can bullshit your way out of this. "You miss understand, Princess. The night does not represent death. To humans, it represents... eh... hope! Unlike the day that comes and goes, the night sky is always there... to... help and comfort us in our times of need. Every celestial body, from the North start that guiding us home, to the stars we named after our loved ones." You watch cautiously as the princess of the night slowly lifts her head and cranes her neck to face you. You now have her full attention. The frown she wears tells you shes still upset, but the look in her eyes tells you there still is hope to salvage this crap show. Ok, Brain, we have been spreading it pretty thick. Lets not add any more bull on to the pile, and just wrap it up. Maybe something really cheesy and corny. "Princess Luna, I think I speak for every human when I say, 'Thank you for being their in our times of need.'" You watch with bated breath, looking for any sigh that she bought it. Eventually a single tear rolls down her cheek... and past a smile. The stupid pony princess bought it! I'm going to get out of here! ”You could not know how long I have been waiting to hear such words. I-” ”End of side one. Please turn tape over.” Luna lets out a full hearty chuckle at the unexpected interruption, while Pinkie sheepishly giggles to her self. As nonchalantly as possible, Pinkie reaches over the lever on the toilet and flushes it. Soon after Jigsaws Erie voice comes over the PA system once again. ”Princess Luna, today you made two new friends. If you keep them close, and let them help open your heart, then maybe you wont need my special brand of help ever again.” After the recording ends the room fills with the sound of metallic click as each of your bindings fall off, and a panel on the ceiling fall revealing a pull-down staircase. Without saying a word you and Pinkie follow Princess Luna as she march up the stairs. At the top of the stairs you find fresh air and a starry sky. Pinkie sits down next to a tree and looks up at the sky. After you help removed the duct tape from Luna's horn the two of you join Pinkie beside the tree. With a smirk, Luna's Horn begins to glow. Soon after a meteor shower begins to fill the night sky. ”Ah, guys my tail is twitching...” Who cares, I got better things to think about. Like this awesome show Luna is putting on. Or that one really big meteor. … Is it getting closer? You loose your current train of though as Pinkie slams into you, pushing you down behind Luna. Before you get a chance to tell her off, there is a ground shaking explosion. With a satisfied grunt Luna stands up and stretches her wings. “Our job her is done. Good night Laughter. Good night Anonymous, the human.” With out another word she takes off into the night sky, leaving you and Pinkie to stair at the crater where the dungeon once laid. "Is that why you, pretended to be one of the victims this time?" you ask Pinkie, still staring in awe at Luna's handiwork. Pinkie shook her head before replying, ”What makes you so sure I'm Jigsaw?” "You and Jiggy are the one ones who call me Nony..." With a smile she stands up and starts to walk back to town. You survey the destruction a little longer before turning to join her.
Rarity and Princess Twilight SparkleAuthor's Note I wrote this short story on /mlp/ several years ago. It had a good enough reception I thought I would do a small series on this concept. Several lazy years later I finally finished editing it and published it! Rarity and Princess Twilight Sparkle Your Anonymous, Equestria's only human resident. How did you get here? How do you get home? Why are you green and have no face? These are all question you given up asking a long time ago. Now you simply just enjoy your life, living rent free in Twilight's place, mooching off Rarity any chance you get, and earning booze money at Sweet Apple Acres. Today is Saturday and you just woke up like you have always done since finding your self in Equestria. Rolling over to get out of bed, you quickly realize two things. First, you cannot move. Second you appear to be standing... “Rarity! I think hes come to," cried a familiar female voice. "Anon can you hear me?” Opening your eyes, you lift your head in the direction of the voice only to be greeted a peculiar sight. Across from you, Princess Twilight Sparkles and Rarity are shackled to the opposite wall. Both mares are restrained in an unnatural standing position with their forelegs stretched above their heads. Under normal conditions you would have had made a clever bondage fetish joke at their expense, but sadly your not a morning person. “Wh- what? Where... Hun?” Shaking the fog of sleep from you head you continue your line of inquiry, “Whats going on? Where are we?” “I'm not sure," cried the purple alicorn, as she attempts to pull her hoof free of the shackle. "We only woke up a couple of minutes before you did, Anon.” “Is it not obvious? Its that deviant, Jigsaw!” screeches Rarity. “Who else would lock up helpless damsels... and Anon, in such a drab dungeon?!” Really taking in your surrounding for the first time you notice that you are in fact in some type of dimly lit makeshift dungeon. The far wall consist of metal sheets bolted together. There are a series of shackles protruding from the floor and walls every couple feet. Up above there are a series of objects hanging from the ceiling hiding in the shadows just out of reach of the room's one lit lamp. “Who's this Jigsaw? Why would he kidnap... ponynap us?” you ask while absently inspecting your own shackles. “No pony knows for sure,” replied Twilight. “All we know for sure is that he ponynaps helpless ponies in the middle of the night, takes them to one of his many dungeons, and forces them to play his twisted games.” “The most dreadful part is...” Rarity pauses for what you can only presume is dramatic affect, “No pony has survived any of his games!” You furrow your brow at her statement. “If no pony has ever survived then how do you know that he makes them play games in the first place?” “Well, you see... Heh...” Rarity's cheeks start to flush red as she thinks of a reply. “Okay, you caught me, so I was over exaggerating.” “Exaggerating or not," Twilight cuts in. "I don't plan to stick around long enough to find out first hand.” You and Rarity both nod in agreement. The room grows silent as the three of you start brainstorm. Its not too long before you have a eureka moment. Snapping your finger you cry out, “I got it!” Rarity and Twilight's heads snap up in anticipation. “You two are an alicorn and a unicorn can't you just magic us out of here?” Both mares sigh in frustration. “Anon dear, that's the first thing Twilight tried when we first woke up.” “Jigsaw thought ahead," interjected Twilight. "He wrapped our horns in duct tape to prevent us from teleporting free.” You stare at her blankly waiting for her to continue. When its clear shes done with her explanation, you kindly ask her to elaborate, “Duct tape? Really? All you need to stop a an alicorn is regular old duct tape?” Twilight visually stiffens at your words. “This is one of the many reasons why Luna has been trying to get it outlawed. Besides its not like we would just let some one walk up to us and cover our horns in-” Twilight is interrupted by a loud burst of radio static. Looking around the three of you find the source of the noise to be a PA system built into the wall several feet above the mares. Soon the static is replaced by a deep eerie voice, “Hello, Anonymous Unknown. You have been a terrible friend. You have neglected those who clothed you, those who gave you shelter, and those who gave you companionship. I would like to rectify that. “Lets play a game, Anonymous. Direct your attention to the devices above your heads." More lights come on relieving a series of metallic canisters hanging from the ceiling. "Each dispenser contains 3 liters of pre-chewed bubble gum. In 10 minutes each device will release its contents, ruining Rarity's hair, Twilight's books, and Chippy the wood chipper.” Another light to your right turns on revealing a pile of books from the Golden Oak Library and a wood chipper. “Yes! Not even Chippy, your only companion from you days working at Sweet Apple Acres, is safe from this madness! But not all is lost. In your pocket is a remote. You may surrender your self to the sticky-icky doom to save one and only one of your friends. The choice is yours.” There is a electronic screech just before the PA system goes silent. Reaching down you find the shackles on you wrist inhibit your attempts to reach your pant's pockets. Doing a little jig, you are able to move your hips close enough to your left hand to pull out the remote Jigsaw had mention. “Anon... Save my books.” Looking up from the remote, you are met with princess quality puppy eyes. “What about Rarity? Bubble gum in her hair is a little more devastating then -” “She passed out before Jigsaw mentions that you could save her. She wont be any the wiser when she comes to.” “I don't kn-” "SAVE MY FUCKING BOOKS OR I WILL RIP YOU DICK OFF THROUGH YOUR ASS!" You feel a cold sweat spread over your neck and back. You cannot recall ever hearing a pony threaten someone, let alone swear. Looking at the remote you see that it has three buttons each labeled with a scribbly lines. This is one of the few times you really wish you took Twilight up on her offer to teach you to read Equestrian. If you randomly press a button, then at best you have a one in three chance of guessing which buttons will spare Twilight's books and in turn yourself. At worst you will probably have a ten second head start before Twilight rages through her manacles and peels that duct tape off her horn. Taking a deep breath you close your eyes and press the middle button... nothing happens. You press it a couple more times for good measure and still nothing happens. “Uhm... Mr Jigsaw, I made my choice... can we hurry this up?” your request is met with only silence. “I- I have to use the little human's room if you catch my drift.” The PA system squeaks back to life as the eerie voice returns, “Oh! Sorry, Nony. I'll see if I can't speed up the timer.” After the PA system goes quiet you hear the sound of spinning gears. Tilting you head up to the source of the noise, you look on in horror as the pre-chewed gum is shot from a small cannon towards your face. The gum lands with a sickening smack, completely envelopes your face. Soon after you feel the shackles around your arms give way. Unable to breath you quickly start clawing the gum from your mouth and nose. “You saved that stupid WOOD CHIPPER?” Still desperately clearing an air way you realizing you will not have the time to peal the rest of the gum off your entire face, you blindly choose a direction and run at full speed. Its not long before you run head first into something cold and hard. You feel your legs give way and you fall to the ground. Before you black out the last thing you hear is the sound of approaching hoof-steps and the sound of duct tape pealing free.
Rainbow Dash and Applejack [Gross]Author's Note I don't expect any one to believe me, but I swear I first started to write this before Fallout 4 was announced.... p.s. Sorry, not sorry, for the toilet humor. Rainbow Dash and Applejack [Gross] Be Anon, Equestria's only human. Today you just woke up in some type of space capsule. Sadly this is not that unusual for you. After doing some stretches in the limited space, you finally decide its time to take a look through the capsule's viewing window and find out who is responsible for your space age imprisonment this time. Swearing to the almighty Floating Spaghetti Monster, if its Yellow Quiet or Purple Smart again your going to burn down their respective houses this time. Out side the capsule, you are able to make out a second smaller capsule across the room leaning against a dull metal wall, and in between on the concrete floor is a sleeping Applejack. Kidnapping and crude prison like atmosphere, this must be the work of Jigsaw. About once a week since arriving here in Equestria, you have been kidnapped by the 'dreaded' Jigsaw Pony. His real identity is a mystery, but rumor has it that his cutie mark is a thousand screaming ponies locked in an endless maze. Personally, you figure its a jigsaw or something just as stupid. Well, its about time to get this game started. "Applejack!" you yell while kicking the inside of the capsule, "Wake up!" A cyan face appears in the window of the smaller capsule across the room. "Hey, Anon, didn't expect to see you here!" called Rainbow Dash. "Who were you expect to see?" "I don't know. A changeling or two? Maybe Twilight running one of her cloning experiments?" replied Dash, waiving a hoof dismissively in the air. "Wait! you're not a clone, are you? Because I have rules about talking to clones..." "I'm pretty sure I'm the original Anon. Besides this looks like one of Jigsaw's games, not Twilight's secret basement lab." "What? Jigsaw?" yawned the orange sleepy mare. "It should be next to the toolbox in the..." trailing off Applejack, as she slowly scans the room taking in the scenery. "Ah, dang-it! Twilight, I don't remember signing any consent forms regarding any-" "Tssshhhh" screeched the speakers mounted above each capsule. "Hello, Applejack. Your work at the orchard has consumed your life. You let all your relationships with your friends and family fall at the wayside. I would like to remind you how important and fleeting these relationships are." "Hold on now! That ain't true! Dash and ah meet up once every week for a friendly competition. We even had one this mornin'. " "Regardless, " dismissed the unmistakable voice of the Jigsaw Pony. "Two of your friends are now being held in air tight cryostasis chambers." "Cryostatis chambers? You ponies haven't even invented the telephone yet. Where the hell did these come from?" "They were just sitting here in this old bomb-shelter. Anyhoo! Applejack, these chambers have been modified to slowly dispense a toxin. In five minutes the toxin will build up and your friends will receive a full does of hair remover! Fortunately you should have enough time to save one of your friends from their hairless fate. By dooming one of your friends maybe you will start to fully appreciate your other relationships." "You're making me choose between my friends!" yelled the farm pony with a stomp of her hoof. "That's a low down trick if ah ever heard one. Ah'm thinking ah'll just refuse to choose!" "Yeah, AJ you tell him! Besides, I bet I will look damn good flying around in the buff," bragged the pegasus as she struck a confident pose in her capsule. "Uhm... Rainbow Dash, what will hair remover do to your wing feathers?" "I... ah... I don't know..." Dash's smirk quickly dropped from her face. Pushing her face up to the glass she cried, "Applejack! You gotta get me out of here! I can't spend the next couple weeks without my flight feathers. All my stuff is up in my house!" "Nope! Sorry, Sugar Cube, ah made up my mind. Ah don't want to choose one of you over the other. It ain't fair, to the other." "You can't do this to me! I need my feathers. I don't know what I will do if I can't fly! Besides Anon is a hairless mutant space monkey. He already look dumb, he wont mind losing a little more hair." "I prefer the term 'human'," you reply. Making sure to blatantly glaring at the 'element of loyalty' before turning your attention to Applejack. "She's right, Applejack. You need to get her out of there quickly. I promise not to be made or hold it against you that you chose her over me." Applejack looked from one stasis capsule to the other. "You really promise?" After you give her a single nod, she turns her attention to Dash's capsule. With speed and determination that you have only seen during Zap Apple season, she began bucking the outer shell of Dash's capsule. You watch in amazement as she breaks plastic, dents metal, and dislodges what you can only presume to be a locking mechanisms. Your view through the small window becomes obscured as the air in your stasis chamber start to be come cloudy. Soon after your skin start to tingle all over. It reminds you of that one time Fluttershy though ants might be your fetish... A rapping sound from the foggy viewing port pulls you back to reality. Looking through the window you can barley make out a cyan blue blob extending its hoof out in front of the window. It takes a second but you quickly realize Rainbow Dash is trying to give you a thumbs up without thumbs... Returning the gesture, you begin to feel clumps of hair roll down the back of your neck, while one manly tear begins rolling down your face. As the air continues to fill with the greyish smoke, you begin to find your self taking deeper and deeper breaths. With each intake of air you find your self more and more out of breath. What is supposed to happen next? All my hair has already fallen out. Shouldn't the chamber open or at the least start venting out this gas? You must have looked as panicked as you felt, because Rainbow Dash has disappeared from the window, and a series of dull thuds can now be heard emanating from the base of the capsule. There is a ringing in your ear now that is starting to drowned out the rhythmical sound of hoofs clashing on metal. Darkness is creeping in from the corners of your vision. With a click and a hiss the door to the stasis chamber swings open. Falling onto your hands and knees you greedily gasp for fresh air. An orange hoof starts to gently massage the space between your shoulder blades, "That was a close one. Ah thought we were going to loose you for sure." "Me... to..." you reply between breaths. "I think that's the first time I have ever feared for my life during one of Jigsaw's games." "Tsssshhh!" screeched the PA system. "Applejack, today you almost lost a friend. I hope you now understand how important all of your friendships are. Remember that once you leave... BUCK ME!" The three of you simply stare at the now silent PA system. After a bit the two mares exchange a worried look before turning towards you. "Don't look at me! I don't know what the hell's going on either." This game has had a lot of first for you. Cryostasis chambers, poison gas and near death experiences, and now what ever this is... A moment later the PA system sparks back to life. "I know this is rather unprofessional of me, but it appears I left the keys to the door at home today. I'm super duper sorry about this. I will be back in two wags of the little baby lambs wiggly tail!" With that the room goes silent once again. The three of you just sit there taking in what was just said. You do not know if you should be laughing or crying. In either case you are pretty sure this is going to be one of those stories you cannot help but tell everyone after you have had a little too much cider. The silence is eventual broken by a gurgling sound. Instantly Rainbow Dash wraps her hooves around her stomach. "Hungry?" you ask quizzically. Beads of sweat start to form on her forehead as she hastily looks around the room, "It's not food going in that I'm worried about." Applejack's jaw drops open, "Sweet Celestia, you gotta be kidding me." "What's going on?" you ask turning from one mare to the other. Rainbow Dash looks to be in physical pain as she trots in a small circle looking for something, "Remember the weekly completion AJ and I have each week?" "Yeah... What of them?" The pain stricken pegasus limps over your now vacant stasis chamber leaving you and the yellow farm pony alone. "Prune juice drinkin' competition," replied Applejack. "What? Applejack turns to you with a sad but serious look on her face, "The completion we has this morning was a drinking competition, but with both of us having work later today we decided to hold off on cider. The only other thing we had in the fridge was Granny Smith's prune juice-" As if on cue Applejack was interrupted by a sound that would give Eldritch horrors nightmares. Clearing her throat, the yellow mare nodded to the stasis chamber. "Dashy won." Awkwardly you and Applejack start looking around the room aimlessly trying to take your minds off of the sounds emanating from the makeshift port-a-john. Then the muse starts to sing to you as you look down at your shoes. With speed you never new your hands could maintain you unlace and remove your shoes. Applejack notices your hast and follows you over to the occupied stasis chamber. With a puzzled look she watches as you jam your shoes under the door to the stasis chamber. "What are ya doin'?" "Saving the two of us," you reply. "We can't let her out or the whole room will wreak till Jigsaw gets back." You finish just in time to hear a loud thud, and see the chamber shake slightly. Soon after Rainbow Dash appears in the viewing port covering her nose. "Guys the doors stuck. Guys?" Applejack shakes her head before turning to you, "Sorry, Anon. Ah hate to burst your bubble but this room is going to be even more unpleasant if ah don't get my turn in there... Ah was a close second in the prune juice drinkin' competition." It's official. I hate all of you ponies... With a heavy sigh you brace the door with one hand and remove your shoes with the other. "On the count of three Applejack is going to run in, and I want Dash to fly out. I don't want the door open any longer than needed." Rainbow Dash nods vigorously. "Ready? 1... 2... 3!" As you open the door, you watch as a rainbow blur flies over and behind Applejack, and a brown blur flows out the bottom of the chamber. Applejack who was ready to run in, now reals back in horror. Seeing that your plan has failed you cut your losses and slam the door shut and flee to the farthest corner of the makeshift dungeon. Unfortunately its too late, the smell is everywhere now. Dropping to your knees you vomit uncontrollably. From the sound of it, Applejack has decided to join you in this newly found fun activity. Your head start to swim and the darkness starts to creep once again into the corners of your vision. Thank you, Flying Spaghetti Monster, for blessing me with unconsciousness and/or death. Before fully embracing the darkness, you hear another round of the most unholy of sounds, followed by Rainbow Dash's cries of horror. "Oh, sweet Celestia! Applejack, aim the other way!"
Pinkie Pie and Princess LunaYou are Anonymous, Equestria's only human and today you woke up to the sound of music. Elevator music of all things... You would think in a world where there are individuals with special talents that mark them as the master of their respective art, they would have something better than Elevator music. Maybe the composer's cutey mark symbolizes the mundane? Can a cutey mark symbolizes mastery of abstract concepts? Well, if Princess Cadence's cutey mark represents love, and Princess Twilight's symbolizes boring lectures that make your ears bleed, then I guess why not... Flailing your arm every which way you attempt to find the snooze button on your radio alarm-clock. After a couple of failed attempts you decide the best course of action is to simple bury your head in your comforter. Not until you reach past your feet, in search of your comforter and your hand brushes against a metal chain, do the alarms go off in you head. What is it about kidnapping me do ponies find so interesting!? Do I grant wishes or something?.. What ever... Who could have kidnapped me this time? Sitting up, you frantically begin looking around. The room appears to be roughly 4 meters by 5 meters. The room's solitary light only illuminates a small circle in the center of the room. With in the shadowy adjacent corner lies a large dark blue pony with wings and a horn. Luna? The one who can enter dreams? Is this a dream? Did she kidnap me in my own dream? Being kidnapped in my waking hours is stressful enough, but this is ridiculous! All your cognitive capabilities come to a screeching halt as Luna begins to stir. "Hmm... No more mashed potatoes..." With baited breath you fearfully watch the princess of the night roles out of the shadows onto her back. As she does so, you hear the unmistakable sound of chains rustling. Your mind is once again running at full capacity, and trying to process this new information. Twilight would not kidnap one of the princesses for any of her experiments. I'm pretty sure a three-way is not Fluttershy’s fetish… even if it is mine. That leaves Jigsaw. Jiggy must be getting ballsy if she is now ponynaping heavy hitters from Canterlot. "No, Tia. Let me sleep. The day can reign for a couple more hours… Tia?..” Luna leaps to her hooves, and immediately begins to fight against her chains. With each pull and jerk, a pale glow emanates from the chains. "Whoa! Luna, calm down! I think your chains are enchanted. You wont be able to break free." Even as your words leave your mouth you can tell your warning went unheard. Luna is still thrashing back and forth desperately trying to break free. "Princess Luna, please calm down, before you hurt yourself!" Eventually her thrashing slows. Breathing heavily she looks to her bonds for the first time. There were four manacles, each attached to one of her legs just above the hooves. You quietly wait as she give one of her front hooves a test kick. Her eyes widen as the chain gives off a subtle blue glow. Slowly her posture changes from that of a panicked cornered animal to that of a dignified princes. “Who's there? What is the meaning of this?” "Its me," She cant see you, dipshit. Dragging your own restraints, you stepping closer to the light and try again,"Ah... Anon the human… from Ponyville?" ”Anon? Ah! Anonymous, yes, the Element of Magic, Princess Twilight, has written about you to my sister on several occasions.” The last trace of fear and panic melt from her eyes. “Pray tell, why are we here?” Moving as afar as your binds will let you, you sit on the ground as close to the light as possible, "I’m not sure yet. I think this is one of Jigsaw Pony’s games." ”Jigsaw Pony? Oh, yes! The Element of Magic has made mention of this dastardly villain as well. We were hoping one day to do battle with him. But alas, it appears we may have already lost," Luna mused, while inspecting her chains. "That's doubtful. Jigsaw is not the type to… battle anyone, sh- he is more of the type to drug you and drag you to his dungeons…" scratching the back of your head you recall your first encounter with Jiggy. He had left a nice plate of fresh baked cookies on your door step. "You didn't eat any pastries or baked goods before waking up here, did you?" “Why, yes. Our nightly patrols had brought us to the outskirts of Ponyville. We came across a box set at the foot of the statue of Nightmare Moon. It was addressed to myself. Inside was a single cupcake... We do not remember much after that.” Note to self, write to Celestia and asking her to explain stranger danger to her sister... ”It appears you have had passed experiences with the villain Jigsaw. Does this mean you know the identity of this miscreant?” "I don’t have proof yet but I believe its-" Luna's ears twitch and she jerks her head to the side. “Show your self, vile villain!” You follow her gaze to the wall opposite yours and Luna’s. At first all you can see is a lone toilet, but then you see something in its shadows start to stir. Is this part of the game? Did Jigsaw include some vicious wild animal as incentive to win? Or is Jiggy finally here to greet me face to face? A cold sweat works its way down your back as you watch the shadowy figure stretch out towards the dimly lit circle in the center of the room. First a solitary pink hoof emerges from the shadows. Then a pink mane, and finally two sleepy blue eyes. “Good morning Princess! Good morning Nony!” "Laughter! You gave us such a fright, " exclaimed Luna striking a confident pose. "Given another moment we would have called down a comet to smite thee!” "I doubt that. Unicorns and alicorns are not allowed to use magic in these games." Luna turns towards you with a questioning look, "How does this villain enforce such rules?” You point up towards her horn. She looks up, unable to see her horn in the dim light, she begins to feel it with one of her hooves. ”Duct Tape...” she begins to rub her hooves frantically on the base of her horn. “We told Sister that we should have outlawed this diabolical tool of mischief, but does she listen!” In the end she manages to only move some of the tape up the base of her horn. Desperately she begins looking around the room for something, before setting her gaze on Pinkie. "Laughter, assist me by removing the tape.” Luna walks as far as her manacles will allow and bows her head down towards Pinkie Pie. Pinkie reaches as far as her own manacles will allow but falls short by several feet. ”Sorry Princess, I think Nony’s right. No cheating during Jigsaw’s game.” "Pinkie, you can cut the crap." Jumping up to your feet, you stare daggers at the pink menace, "We know you're Jigsaw." Pinkie slowly turns from Luna to you with the biggest shit eating grin you have ever seen. “But Nony, if I’m Jigsaw then why am I in the game?” lifting up her front two hooves she begins to tap her manacles together. Luna nods in agreement. “Yes, Laughter makes a good point. Why would Jigsaw risk participating in one of his own games?” Letting out a defeated sigh, you slumping back down to the cold ground, "What ever. Just remember, I’m keeping an eye on you Pinkie." Ignoring you, Pinkie begins bounce around the toilet shes chained to. “What kind of game do you think we will have to play? Will it be fun or scary? Oooh! Maybe it will be scary fun! What if-” Pinkie finally shuts her yap, just as the elevator music comes to a stop and a low quality recording kicks in. “Princess Luna. Ever since returning from your banishment you have gone about your life in a fog. Ignoring every other pony unless absolutely necessary. This has left you with many acquaintances but no friends. The only two ponies you ever confide in are Princess Celestia and your stuffed animal Wubby Bear.” Luna becomes visibly annoyed at the mention of her stuffed animal. Her ears drop down and she begins staring daggers at the PA speaker on the ceiling. ”What is it that makes you so afraid to make friends? Is it the knowledge that every one you grew up with and everyone you knew before your banishment are gone, and so will any other pony you choose to be close to? I wish to remove this fear from you. No one is allowed to leave this room till you become friends with your cellmates. Either become friends with them or watch them starve to death. The choice is yours.” There is a moment of silence as the recording ends and the elevator music picks up again. Pinkie Pie emits a squee as she begins jumping up and down on the toilet lid, “I love making new friends! This is going to be so much fun! I wish I had my party supplies or at least some games to-” "May I just point out that this would be the first time I have ever seen Jigsaw use a tape-recording to introduce the game." You grumble as you begin stare daggers at Pinkie again. "Its like he's preoccupy or even tied up some where else..." The pink menace gives you a Cheshire cat smile in return, ”Nony, regardless of what the big meany head is doing, we still have to be come friends with Princess Luna.” Not breaking eye contact, you continue staring her down, "And how do you propose we do that?" "By playing games, Silly. Lets play I Spy! I'll go first. I spy with my blue eyes something... Pink!" Luna gives you a cocked eyebrow look that can only be interpolated as 'Is this bitch serious?' You shrug in reply. Turning back to Pinkie, Luna takes a guess, "Do you spy your self, Laughter?" "Yup! Princess Luna wins round one!" Pinkie Pie stomping her hooves on the toilet seat in applause. "Now on to round two! I spy with-" Nope! I have had enough of the pink ones madness for now. "How about we do something else? Like telling jokes?" "I concur, but with the amendment that we tell riddles instead." You and Pinkie nod in agreement and proceed to let Luna go first. "What is the beginning of eternity, the end of time and space, the beginning of the end, and the end of every place?" The room grows silent as you and Pinkie try to process what you just heard. Unfortunately, the only think your mind can focus on at the moment is wither or not you will be required to tell a rhyming riddle on your turn as well... "Is it a Quasar?" Pinkie calls out. A what? You bring your attention back to the pink pony and the dark blue alicorn. "Incorrect. Anonymous the Human, do you have a guess?" Wait, we're playing with one guess each? This isn't good. Think think think... Its got to be something powerful... Discord? Celestia?... Wait, if I can't win then I might as well go for the brownie points. "Are you the answer?" Upon hearing your answer, Luna puffs out her chest and throws head back. "We know many spells and have near limitless power, but not even we can create or destroy all of existence." +100 brownie points to Anon "The correct answer is the letter E" Luna watches contently as both you and Pinkie silently retell the riddle to yourselves checking the validity of the answer. "That was a toughie! Princess Luna wins again! I guess that means its Nony's turn." Not knowing any riddles that rhyme you simply fall back on an old classic you recall from highschool, "What walks on four legs at dawn, on two legs during the day and three legs in the evening?" Pinkie Pie and Princess Luna turn to each other with a look of confusion. Its several minutes before Pinkie takes her guess, "Is it Berry Punch and her daily cycle of sobriety?" Your forced to hold back your laugh. You do not know if the princess would approve of you laughing at some pony's alcohol problem, "Sorry Pinkie, wrong again. Luna do you have a guess?" "Is it an ill Blogle rat?" "Sorry Luna, your incorrect as well. The answer is man." ”Man?” both mares parrot in confusion. "Well, I guess I mean humans-" Luna grunts in disapproval, “If that's true, then Magic's anatomy reports on you have been severally lacking.” "Its a metaphor for human life. In the dawn of our lives we, humans, crawl on all fours as infants. During the day of our lives we walk upright as adults. And at the evening of our lives we walk with a cane as the elderly." Pinkie looks at you as though you have said the most deep and awe-inspiring thing ever. Luna on the other hand has curled up into a ball facing away from every one else. “And at night of your lives you, humans, die.” Warning bells go off in your head. This is the friendless Princess of the night with severe self esteem issues, and you pretty much just said she was the living analogy of death. Jigsaw is not going to like this. Brain, its time for damage control. I know you can do this. If you can bullshit your way through twelfth grade English Literature, then you can bullshit your way out of this. "You miss understand, Princess. The night does not represent death. To humans, it represents... eh... hope! Unlike the day that comes and goes, the night sky is always there... to... help and comfort us in our times of need. Every celestial body, from the North start that guiding us home, to the stars we named after our loved ones." You watch cautiously as the princess of the night slowly lifts her head and cranes her neck to face you. You now have her full attention. The frown she wears tells you shes still upset, but the look in her eyes tells you there still is hope to salvage this crap show. Ok, Brain, we have been spreading it pretty thick. Lets not add any more bull on to the pile, and just wrap it up. Maybe something really cheesy and corny. "Princess Luna, I think I speak for every human when I say, 'Thank you for being their in our times of need.'" You watch with bated breath, looking for any sigh that she bought it. Eventually a single tear rolls down her cheek... and past a smile. The stupid pony princess bought it! I'm going to get out of here! ”You could not know how long I have been waiting to hear such words. I-” ”End of side one. Please turn tape over.” Luna lets out a full hearty chuckle at the unexpected interruption, while Pinkie sheepishly giggles to her self. As nonchalantly as possible, Pinkie reaches over the lever on the toilet and flushes it. Soon after Jigsaws Erie voice comes over the PA system once again. ”Princess Luna, today you made two new friends. If you keep them close, and let them help open your heart, then maybe you wont need my special brand of help ever again.” After the recording ends the room fills with the sound of metallic click as each of your bindings fall off, and a panel on the ceiling fall revealing a pull-down staircase. Without saying a word you and Pinkie follow Princess Luna as she march up the stairs. At the top of the stairs you find fresh air and a starry sky. Pinkie sits down next to a tree and looks up at the sky. After you help removed the duct tape from Luna's horn the two of you join Pinkie beside the tree. With a smirk, Luna's Horn begins to glow. Soon after a meteor shower begins to fill the night sky. ”Ah, guys my tail is twitching...” Who cares, I got better things to think about. Like this awesome show Luna is putting on. Or that one really big meteor. … Is it getting closer? You loose your current train of though as Pinkie slams into you, pushing you down behind Luna. Before you get a chance to tell her off, there is a ground shaking explosion. With a satisfied grunt Luna stands up and stretches her wings. “Our job her is done. Good night Laughter. Good night Anonymous, the human.” With out another word she takes off into the night sky, leaving you and Pinkie to stair at the crater where the dungeon once laid. "Is that why you, pretended to be one of the victims this time?" you ask Pinkie, still staring in awe at Luna's handiwork. Pinkie shook her head before replying, ”What makes you so sure I'm Jigsaw?” "You and Jiggy are the one ones who call me Nony..." With a smile she stands up and starts to walk back to town. You survey the destruction a little longer before turning to join her.
