Rarity's Bad Romance

by TheWraithWriter

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Romance
Length: 3175

A tale pf romance, crazy photographers, and sword duels. Oh, and stalking. Lots and lots of stalking.

Rarity has come to Canterlot to do something she should have done weeks ago: Sort out her feelings for Twilight Sparkle. But when she finds Twilight already in the midst of being courted by a royal guard named Flash, the Fashionista must pretend her visit is for something else. Like Blueblood, for example.

Aren't love polygons the best?
********
Dedicated to Flint Sparks, who was way too patient while waiting for this.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-14 05:50:02 UTC

Chapter One: In which our polygon is formed

Rarity’s Bad Romance

Chapter One: In which our polygon is formed

Rarity was what most would call a mare of high standards. She insisted on high quality materials for her dresses, often used only the best of gems for said dresses, and stitched those dresses together with ludicrous precision. She drank fine wines when she could, dined at the best restaurants whenever there was an opportunity, and busied herself with only the finest gossip.

But she would give that all up in an instant for one mare.

Indeed, she had forgone a rather nice carriage ride to be on the train instead. Filthy Rich’s offer was kind, but Rarity had no time to spare. She needed to get to Canterlot now. Heart’s and Hooves day was but a measly two days from now. And two days was all the time she had to try and confess her feelings for a certain pony.

******

Twilight Sparkle was what most ponies would call a mare of intellect. What most would not call her was their first choice for a new princess. But then again, most ponies’ first choices were likely their own daughters. And sons, in a few cases.

But Twilight didn’t let that bother her. In fact, she was coming to enjoy her new role as a Princess. Sure, it sometimes meant long hours in stuffy rooms with ponies who were less than polite and subtle about their displeasure with her ascension, but Twilight never let that get her down. The upside was that she was finally in a position to begin implicating all her ideas for tax reforms, as well as a few new and improved laws.

However, taxes and dignitaries were not what had brought Twilight to Canterlot that day. What did was dress fitting. The young alicorn was currently in the clutches of one Photo Finish. The powder blue mare was currently having Twilight’s fur and mane pulled every which way by her assistants while she studied the purple alicorn from a variety of angles, muttering to herself in germane.

A stylist fluffed up her mane, tying it off with red bows, and then looked to Photo Finish for approval. The mare brought a hoof to her chin, her face unreadable behind her big glasses.

“Nien.” she said after a moment, shaking her head. “That vill not do at all.”

The stylist huffed and slathered something on Twilight’s done up mane before pulling it apart. She seemed a tad unhappy with her boss’s verdict, as she was pulling a little harder than necessary.

Twilight gritted her teeth winced. “Miss Finish?”

“Ja?” the mare said, looking at Twilight’s face instead of her mane.

“Wouldn’t it be better to just go with my mane in its usual style?”

The mare doing her mane shot her a glare.

Twilight blushed. “I mean, that’s just a thought.”

Photo Finish shook her head. “Nien. Zis is ze Heart’s und Hooves Day parade ve are preparing you for, und you must look you’re best. Und I, Photo Finish, am ze best at making ponies look their best.”

Twilight swore she heard the stylist working on her tail sigh.

“But would it be better for my image to just go as myself? Appeal to the masses?” Twilight ventured.

Photo Finish brought her hoof to her chin. “Perhaps.” she said. She then shook her head. “Nien. You can appeal to ze masses on unother day.”

Twilight sighed.

*******

Prince Blueblood was what most ponies would call an asshole. There were many words that could be used to describe the unicorn, among which were the terms ‘stuck up’, ‘rude’, and the rather creative ‘Prince Charmless’. He was a pony that cared only for himself, only worrying about his needs.

But, what most ponies lacked was an intimate understanding of Blueblood’s psyche. He was actually a exemplar of self-loathing and fear. Pushing ponies away because either he believed that they would not understand or else they might break his perfectly maintained façade. He had to keep up appearances after all. He was a prince. And princes were not supposed to feel… that way about anypony beneath their standing.

Much less a lowly guard.

So was Blueblood a total jerk? No. Was that any excuse? No.

Blueblood had wrestled with the idea for weeks now, ever since he had seen that pony patrolling around in bronze armor. He had dug up whatever information he could, using any excuse and all manner of tricks to keep his true purpose secret.

The more Blueblood learned, the more infatuated he became. Well, perhaps the opposite was true. He had learned very little, but still he daydreamed of rescue. Of being swept off his hooves. Not thoughts a prince should have, but he had them anyway.

And today, just a mere thirty-six hours before the Day of Lovers, he had decided to just take the plunge. He was going to find the object of his infatuation was to be very soon and at the very least was going to have a chat. Maybe they would hit it off and maybe they wouldn’t.

But damnit if Blueblood wasn’t going to try.

********

Flash Sentry was what most bronies would call a waifu stealing man-whore. But then again, most bronies just really liked Twilight Sparkle. I mean really like her, have you seen the art? By Celestia’s erect phallus, some of those are detailed to an extreme. And don’t even get me started on the-

(Get on with it!)

Ah, right.

Well, whether or not Flash accepted money to perform sexual acts or whether or not Celestia had a phallus to be erect in the first place was quite irrelevant in the face of the plot.

Twilight’s plot, to be exact.

Because today Flash Sentry was going to take Twilight out on a date. It was a surprise for her, one he had cleverly come up with after seeing it in a movie. It was the one thing guaranteed to make her swoon in delight over him. Because they were in love after all.

Yes, Flash thought to himself as he trotted down the hall to greet the mare he’d known for hardly a week and a half. This is definitely what love is.

*********

She was easy enough to find. Photo Finish was never one for subtly or gentleness when it came to her work, so finding her was just a matter of following the yelps of pain that a pony makes when their mane is being pulled in three directions at once.

Rarity made her way through the castle corridor, passing a few guards that looked a little uncomfortable to be standing around listening to the sounds of Twilight yelping. They paid her no heed and Rarity only nodded politely to them, to nervous to bother making conversation.

She was starting to sweat now, her mind running rampant with all the manner of scenarios. There could be swooning and smooching, but there could also be arguments and anger. This could go down like a smooth swallow of punch, or burn like a grainy gulp of apple cider.

Rarity was sweating now as she approached the door. The guards nearby either didn’t notice or pretended not to. There were some many ways this could go wrong and so few ways it could go right. This was the kind of thing that ruined friendships. Or made them all the better.

Rarity paused at the door, her hoof hovering over it. She gulped and mentally scolded herself. She had faced down far worse things than this. Surly she could deal with sorting out some foolish crush.

But she had to do this delicately. She had to go in like this was just a normal visit. She had to calmly request that they go to a restaurant an have lunch. She had to broach the topic in a roundabout way. She had to be calm, collected, and cool.

Because no matter how quickly it might resolve the situation, she couldn’t just rush inside and shout, I love you, Twilight Sparkle!

********

“Ja?” Photo Finish said as she opened the door. This was followed by her saying, “Ah, miss Rarity, vhat a lovely surprise. Come in, come in.”

The blue pony stepped aside and allowed the unicorn inside. Twilight brightened upon seeing her friend, completely missing the look of dread in her face.

“Rarity, it’s nice to see you!”

Rarity offered the best smile she could muster. “It’ nice to see you too, darling.”

“So, what brings you to Canterlot?” Twilight asked, wincing as the stylist pulled her mane again.

Rarity opened her mouth, but hesitated a few moments too many, allowing Photo Finish to interject.

“Ah, you have time for ze chit-chat later.” the photographer said as she bumped into Rarity. “Because right now I must ask you, vhat do you zink of this?”

She shoved a photo of Twilight into Rarity’s hooves. The photo was of Twilight, wearing the dress Rarity had designed for her, with her mane done up in a way that gave the appearance of being wet, yet retaining its dignity. The photo made Rarity a tad warm.

“The hair matches ve dress you made, ja?” Photo Finish said.

Rarity nodded. “Oh yes, you did a splendid job. They goes very well together.”

Photo Finish smiled broadly and pointed to the stylist. “Ha! I told you!”

The stylist rolled her eyes and muttered, “Je viens de vous montrer celui-là.”

Photo Finish nodded to herself. “Ja, this one shall do perfectly. So, we shall now be,” Photo Finish giggled, “out of your mane, ja?”

Twilight and Rarity chuckled at the terrible pun. The stylist rolled her eyes again.

“If you keep doing that, they may roll back into your head.” Photo Finish said to the stylist.

The stylist started to roll her eyes, but stopped halfway through and shot the blue mare a glare.

The stylist pulled the pins she had been using to hold Twilight’s mane up out and stepped away from the alicorn, beginning to pack up her things as Rarity trotted forward.

“So, you were saying?” Twilight said, shaking her head to get her mane back in its usual shape.

“Yes darling, I was wondering if we could, well if you wanted to…” Rarity felt her vocal cords faltering as her mind began to seize up.

Twilight tilted her head slightly, seemingly oblivious to Rarity’s nervousness. “Yes?”

Rarity swallowed said, “Well, do you suppose we could-”

She was interrupted by a loud shout. “Twilight, there you are!”

Rarity looked over her shoulder to see an orange pegasus stallion trot into the room, pulling off her helmet and shaking out his blue mane. Rarity was struck dumb by the stallion’s appearance. While she did find Twilight confusingly sexy, Rarity was by no means turned off by stallions. And this stallion… this stallion seemed to ooze raw sexuality.

Rarity felt her previously dry mouth water and her mind went blank for a moment. The stallion rushed past her and nuzzled Twilight, leaving the fashionista staring blankly into space.

“Hey Flash, I didn’t know you were here.” Twilight said merrily as she nuzzled Flash.

“Yeah, I was and I thought I might as well come down here and surprise you.” Flash replied.

“What a nice thought. Far better than your one about the marshmallow.”

Flash blushed. “Hey, how was I supposed to know that was going to happen?”

Twilight feigned a dramatic sigh. “Well, what do you expect to happen when you put a marshmallow near a volatile substance?”

“Classy lady boner…” Rarity mumbled.

Flash blinked in surprise and turned around. “Oh hey!” he said merrily to Rarity. “Didn’t see ya there. You’re a friend of Twilight’s, right?”

“Beefcake?” Rarity said before quickly shaking her head and blushing scarlet. “Oh, er, uh, yes, yes I am darling.” Rarity chuckled nervously.

“You okay, Rarity?” Twilight asked.

The unicorn chuckled nervously. “Me? Oh, I’m fine. Just, uh, …had a sudden idea for a dress!”

Twilight smiled in a knowing manner. “Do all your ideas cause you to stare off into space and drool?”

Rarity coughed nervously, still blushing. “Only the really good ones.”

“That so?”

The mane dresser tapped Photo Finish on the shoulder, her case of makeup and tools clutched in a hoof. “Je suis prêt.”

The blue mare shushed her. “Zis is getting gud!”

The mane dresser rolled her eyes.

Rarity fidgeted for a while, stuck between changing the subject back to inviting Twilight to lunch so she could confess her love and admitting to her Flash Sentry caused lady boner.

It was like being stuck between Tom and a celestial phallus.

Luckily, Twilight seemed to be feeling merciful at the moment and just waved her hoof. “Oh relax Rarity, I’m just teasing.” she chuckled softly. “Anyway, what were you saying when Flash came in?”

Rarity breathed a sigh of relief that quickly became lodged in her throat. She was no longer in danger of discussing lady boners, but she was back to dealing with possibly unrequited love. That’s like the third worst kind.

“Ah yes darling, I was, uh, just about to invite you to lunch, but I can see you have, uh, other plans.” Rarity glanced at Flash.

Flash waved a hoof. “Naw, this was just a little hello surprise. Besides, lunch sounds great!”

Rarity gulped. “Yeah, great.”

There was suddenly a dramatic blowing of the wind as the door was opened.

“Roxie! Schalten Sie die Windmaschine, wir sind nicht mit diesen Witz jetzt!” Photo Finish called out the door.

The wind machine was turned off, but not before blowing the slightly longer than appropriate golden locks of one blue blooded prince as he walked through the door, framed by the sunlight.

Rarity scoffed.

“Hello peasants.” Blueblood said haughtily, quickly adding, “Oh, and Twilight, Photo Finish, and Flash Sentry.”

Rarity and the mane dresser rolled their eyes in unison.

“Hello Blueblood.” Twilight said, sounding less than happy to see him. “Lovely day.”

“Yes, lovely.” the prince didn’t bother to look at the alicorn, instead preferring to examine his right front hoof, as if inspecting it for tiny flecks of dirt.

“Uh, do you need anything, Prince Blueblood?” Flash said, his guard training kicking in.

The unicorn looked that the guard with a bored expression. “Yes, as a matter of a fact I do.”

Flash looked at Twilight. “Sorry, I’ll catch up with you later.” he looked back at Blueblood. “What is it you require, my prince?”

Blueblood opened his mouth, but his look of bored superiority suddenly flickered for a moment. His mouth hung open a moment too long and his eyes suddenly darted around the room. The settled on Rarity and twinkled.

“I’m just here to retrieve my date.”

Flash tilted his head. “Your date?”

“Yes.” Blueblood nodded. He went over and stood next to Rarity.

The fashionista stared at Blueblood like he was insane, but the prince nudged her and hissed through clenched teeth. “Please, just go with this.”

An evil smile flashed across Rarity’s face. “Ah yes,” she said to the confused looking Twilight and Flash. “Blueblood here called me a few days ago to apologize for the fiasco at the Gala. It was eating away at the poor dear for months.” she said cheekily. “He said he had just had too many glasses of spiked punch and had lost a distant relative that day, hence the punch drinking. He’s making it up to me with a rather nice date.”

“Oh,” Twilight said, sounding shocked by such a development. “So, you were going to invite me along on your date?”

“Oh, you and Flash.” Rarity said quickly.

“I thought I might as well treat sweet Rarity’s friends as well.” Blueblood added.

Rarity nodded. “Yes, it was very sweet of him.”

“So, a double date then.” Flash said merrily. “Sounds like fun!”

“Yes it does.” Rarity said, nervousness creeping into her voice.

“Which is why it’s a shame we can’t make it today.” Blueblood said. “Something had come up that requires our attention. A shame.” he added.

Rarity nodded quickly. “Terrible shame.”

“Oh.” Twilight said, deflating a little. “Well, another time then?”

Rarity nodded. “Oh yes.”

Flash nodded and nudged Twilight. “Well, sounds like you need to sort something out then.” he nodded towards the door.

“Yes, we must.” Blueblood said. “Go on and have a good time.”

“Thank you, sir.” Flash said as he and Twilight made their way to the door.

“See you later then, Rarity?” Twilight said over her shoulder.

“Of course, darling.”

Twilight nodded and followed Flash out the door.

As the door closed behind Flash and Twilight, Rarity and Blueblood let out sighs of relief, leaning against one another, when there realized what they were doing, they all but leapt away from the other. The two unicorns rounded on each other, expressions hard.

“What in Tartarus was that about?” Rarity demanded.

“I could say the same.” Blueblood huffed.

“You used me.”

“You used me.”

“What were you trying to do?” Rarity shouted.

“Go on a date with Flash Sentry!” Blueblood shouted back.

Rarity blinked. “What?”

The prince sighed. “I don’t have to explain myself to you.”

“I insist you do so anyway.”

“Fine, right after you explain why you so readily went along with it.”

Rarity balked at the demand, but she then sighed and hung her head. “Fine, you said yours already. I was trying to go on a date with Twilight.”

Blueblood smirked. “Really?”

Rarity glared. “Find it funny, do you?”

“In an ironic sense, yes.”

“I think it’s wunderbar!” Photo Finish cried.

Both Rarity and Blueblood jumped and turned to see the powder blue mare grinning broadly and hopping excitedly. Her mane stylist just sighed.

“What?” Blueblood said.

“Ack, do you not see the impressive liebe vieleck you have created?” Photo Finish said.

Rarity just shook her head. She knew that Photo Finish was as skilled as they come in spotting and building up fashion talent, but she still seemed slightly off at times. “No, I’m afraid I don’t.” she said.

“Vell, for staurters, you’ve got two ponies in a relationship and you both are in love with one or ze other. Und now you are faking being together!” the mare sighed and put a hoof against her forehead. “Ah, liebe ist wirklich der größte Drogen.”

Rarity and Blueblood stared at the mare.

“Elle lit beaucoup de romans d'amour.” the mane strylist said, rolling her eyes once more.

“What?” Rarity asked.

“Hm?” Photo Finish said, coming out if her brief daze. “Ah, zis is Sophie Sutairisuto, mien mane stylist. She is half Prench und half Neighponnese. Unforntuantly, she only speaks Prench und Germane.

“Lovely.” Blueblood commented.

“Ja. Anyway, have you two formulated a plan to win your loves?”

Rarity just looked at the blue mare with confusion. “…No?”

“Wunderbar! I can help you then, ja?”

Sophie nudged her.

“Ahem. We can help you.”

Rarity and Blueblood exchanged glances. They both shrugged.

What was the worse that could happen?