Twilight Sparkle vs Diplomacy
The massive doors of Canterlot Castle’s throne room slowly opened, allowing entry to a procession of griffons. A section of royal guards played a fanfare to welcome them as they stepped into the room.
“Their royal highnesses, Crown Princess Giselle and Princess Godiva of House Greywing!” a guard said.
The ponies in the room bowed before the griffons. At the head of the group was a tall griffin with white feathers and grey fur clad in a long red dress and wearing a golden tiara, followed by a shorter one with black feathers and dark grey fur, wearing a blue dress. Behind them were two elderly attendants, followed by two columns of unarmed griffon guards in silver armour[1].
“Hail, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna of Equestria,” the griffon at the front of the procession said. She bowed her head to the two alicorns, as did the rest of the griffons.
“Hail, Crown Princess Giselle,” Celestia said. “And hail, too, to Princess Godiva and to the rest of the griffon delegation.” She bowed her head, as did Luna.
“We are here to speak on behalf of my father, King Grimwald Greywing of the Griffons,” Giselle said. “We seek to calm tensions between our respective realms. There have been a number of slights against House Greywing and its representatives in the recent past by ponies subject to the Equestrian crown, and we were hoping you, in your wisdom, would ensure the perpetrators be brought to justice.”
“What slights do you speak of?” Celestia said.
“To wit: several attacks on our trade ships, including the sinking of the Gefieder with the loss of all talons on deck, refusing entry into your cities to our subjects on a number of occasions, the ordering of large quantities of food from our lands only to refuse to pay for it, and disqualifying two griffon athletes from the Equestrian Games.”
“I have heard of these incidents before,” Celestia said, “but I’m afraid evidence of any of these things happening is scarce. Indeed, the only items you mentioned which we know actually happened was the disqualifying of two of your athletes, and that was after it came to light that they had consumed illegal performance-enhancing drugs.”
“As for your other claims,” Celestia continued, “we have found no evidence that Greywing subjects have been attacked without provocation or barred access to any location; the sinking of the Gefieder is regrettable but all accounts point to it being the result of a combination of navigational error and an iceberg, and indeed, all accounts state that the ship’s crew managed to get safely to land on account of being able to fly; and as for the food issue, I for one find it very hard to believe any pony ordered all that snake meat on account of ponies being vegetarian.”
“Are you saying that I am a liar?” Giselle said.
“She said nothing of the sort,” Luna said. “She merely implied it.”
“Look, your denial helps no one,” Giselle said. “Our people demand justice. We demand that those who have committed crimes against us be captured so that they may be tried in the courts of our eyries[2]. We demand reparations for the damage you caused us. We demand that you pay us for our goods. And we demand that Godwine Greentalon be given a golden medal in curling!”
“You know very well that we cannot accept those demands,” Celestia said. “However, perhaps as a token of our goodwill, we can donate money and equipment to charities working in your realm. Does that sound fair?”
Most of the griffons smiled and nodded. Giselle merely narrowed her eyes.
“You will accede to all of our demands,” Giselle said, “or we will be forced to declare war. My father expects us to return in seven days. If you haven’t changed your mind by the time I leave, you will feel the full power of the griffons.”
===
The griffon delegation stayed in the east wing of the castle for the night. One of the tallest towers had been set aside for Giselle, who was staring through a window overlooking the rest of the castle, and thinking.
The negotiations hadn’t gone well for her. The ponies had been far too eloquent and far too accommodating. Giselle would never be able to convince her father to invade Equestria at this rate, which meant there wouldn’t be any possibility of him ‘accidentally’ dying in battle due to a tragic friendly fire incident, which in turn meant she wouldn’t be queen for a long time yet.
She cursed Celestia and Luna under her breath. Without their wisdom, she might actually be able to goad the ponies into war.
… Of course, she could ‘take care’ of them. She had brought along the traditional weapon of the griffons, the Stick With Pointy Bits At The End, and she had been trained in its use. Besides, nothing ramped up tensions like a double assassination. She would wait until everypony was asleep. Then, she would fly into the royal bedchambers, and swiftly end the problematic ponies.
===
The most important royal in Ponyville (and indeed the only one) was not having a good day. The Cutie Mark Crusaders had tried to get their librarian cutie mark, which meant that not a single book was currently where it should be. This wouldn’t have been as bad a crisis had it not been for that rogue storm cloud that somehow managed to get into what had once been the Young Adult section. And now, despite all the reshelving she needed to do, she had been summoned to a hospital in Canterlot along with her friends.
Her day was about to get a whole lot worse.
“Someone tried to do what to Princess Celestia?” she asked. She was glaring daggers at the poor unfortunate guardspony who had suffered the cruel fate of being the one to tell Princess Twilight Sparkle what was going on.
“Someone tried to assassinate her, Your Highness,” the guard said. He imagined that at any moment now, either he, Twilight, or both of them were going to spontaneously combust.
“I am going to ask you again what has happened to the Princess,” Twilight said in the sort of voice usually reserved for ponies with enough firepower to level a minor city and a craving to open fire. “As a fair warning, I should mention that if I do not like your answer, there is a very real possibility that I will turn you into a scorch mark. Just getting that out there.”
“Someone tried to assassinate Princess Celestia,” said the guard, who was nothing if not brave.
Twilight’s eye twitched a few times. “Huh. So that happened.”
“Twilight, sugarcube, I think you may need to cool down a bit,” Applejack said.
To the guard’s great relief, it was, in fact, Twilight who spontaneously combusted.
“I am the very definition of cool and collected,” Twilight said, her voice sending tremors through the building.
Rainbow Dash sighed. “I’d better go get a raincloud before the hospital catches fire. Be back in a moment.”
===
Once she had calmed down a bit, a soaking wet but no longer clueless Twilight, along with her friends, were allowed to see the Princesses. They were resting on their beds, their heads completely wrapped in bandages. Their personal physician was looking through some paperwork.
“How bad is it?” Twilight asked. “Will they be okay?”
“Trust me,” the physician said. “They’ve been through much worse. Princess Celestia alone has survived at least twenty-three stab wounds, one incineration, and three beheadings. She’ll be back in action in a week or two.”
“Well, that’s a relief,” Twilight said. “I’ll make sure to visit every day until she recovers.”
“Are you sure you have the time for that?” the physician said.
“I’ll be sure to update our daily routine to plan in some time to visit,” Spike said. “I mean, how hard could it be to find a few minutes of time?”
“Well, I understand that the princesses were in some pretty serious negotiations with the griffon delegation.”
“I don’t see what that has to do wi-” Spike said. “Wait, remind me again how the royal succession works?”
“I imagine Princess Twilight will have to fill in for Celestia and Luna,” the physician said.
“Hey Applejack,” Rainbow Dash said.
“Yeah, Rainbow Dash?”
“Is it just me, or has Twilight stopped breathing?”
===
After some minor breathing problems, Twilight and her friends were brought up to speed with the griffon situation. Twilight’s friends had collectively decided that she would need all the help she could get, and that they would therefore stay by her side during the negotiations. They would stay at the castle, which didn’t give them a whole lot of space, as most of the castle was on lockdown due to the investigation into the assassination attempt.
Twilight was staying in her Privy Chamber (which, by the looks of it, had been just a privy a few hours earlier) when an aide entered.
“Princess, the griffon delegation wishes to see you in fifteen minutes,” the aide said.
“Thank you,” Twilight said. “Any news on the investigations?”
“Yes, princess. There is a distinct lack of hoofprints at both crime scenes, save for those of the princesses. All evidence points to the assailant or assailants lacking hooves, and the only beings without hooves currently present are the griffons.”
“We should have those griffons arrested!” Rainbow Dash said.
“I’m not sure if that’s a wise idea,” Rarity said. “Relations are already extremely tense. There’s no telling what would happen if we arrested them.”
“There will be no arrests until we narrow down the list of suspects further,” Twilight said. “As soon as we have an indication exactly which griffons are responsible, we’ll start thinking about arrests.”
“Excellent,” the aide said. “Shall I lead the way to the throne room?”
“Yes, please.”
===
“Hail, Princess Twilight Sparkle of Equestria,” Giselle said. She bowed her head, and the rest of her delegation followed suit.
“Hail, Crown Princess Giselle, Princess Godiva, and other delegates of House Greywing,” Twilight said.
“As you are no doubt aware, Their Royal Highnesses, the Princesses Celestia and Luna, had pledged a monetary tribute to our treasury, to support all of our subjects who were made to suffer at the hooves of the ponies of Equestria. The exact size of this donation had not yet been agreed upon, so I suggest a humble four hundred and eighty billion Equestrian Bits.”
“That’s more than three times as much as Equestria’s annual income,” Twilight said. “And while neither I nor my predecessors were particularly strict about expenditures, it is my opinion that your suggestion is… what’s the best word?” Twilight looked to her friends for help.
“A load of horseapples?” Rainbow Dash suggested.
“Really stupid?” Spike said.
“Completely unreasonable,” Rarity said.
“Your suggestion is completely unreasonable,” Twilight said.
“You’re calling us unreasonable?” Giselle said. “Why I never! After all our nation has endured due to your nation’s actions, you deign to call us unreasonable? This is an outrage!”
“You’re twisting my words!” Twilight said.
“And now you accuse us of slander?” Giselle said. “How dare you!”
“Maybe we should discuss other matters first,” Twilight said.
“Very well,” Giselle said. “Our merchants have yet to be paid for the food we sold you. If you refuse to pay for the damages you’ve caused our people, you should at the very least have the basic decency to pay for the goods you buy from us. We still have several shipments of food scheduled, and we demand to be paid for every one of them.”
“The food you sold us was all meat,” Twilight said. “We ordered no meat from you. We will not pay for any meat you delivered, and we certainly will not pay for any meat that you are still going to deliver us. Honestly, both sides would be better off if we paid your merchants not to send us meat.”
“That sounds like an acceptable compromise to me,” Giselle said.
“No it isn’t!” Twilight said. “We are not giving you our money. Do you understand?”
“It appears to me that you desire conflict,” Giselle said. “I will have you know that we are both willing and able to go to war. I had hoped we could reach a peaceful solution, but perhaps that is out of the question. If you wish to avoid the wrath of House Greywing, you had best change your tone.”
“Excuse me, could I have a moment to speak to my advisors in private?” Twilight Sparkle said.
“You cannot possibly offend me more than you already have,” Giselle said. “Go right ahead.”
“Thank you.”
Twilight and her friends left the room. Once the griffons were out of earshot, Twilight screamed at the top of her lungs.
“Is that griffon insane?” Twilight said. “Who does she think she is, making unreasonable demands and threatening war if they aren’t met? Does she even realize she would stand no chance to win a war against Equestria? We outnumber them, are better equipped, and are much better at teamwork!”
“Easy does it, Twi,” Applejack said. “She’s bluffing. She hopes that you’re so scared of the prospect of war that you will do anything to avoid it. War would be even more disastrous to the griffons than it would be to us. She would never actually go to war with us. It’s all bark and no bite. My great aunt Joanna Gold used to be like that towards the City of Fillydelphia. She never did anything despite her threats.”
“Yeah, maybe I should call her bluff,” Twilight said.
“But what if she’s simply loco in the coco?” Pinkie said. “Sometimes, a pony, or a griffon in this case, is just plain crazy and doesn’t care for any consequences!”
“But we don’t actually have the means to fulfill her demands,” Rarity said. “Do we even have any choice but to call her bluff?”
“I don’t want any war,” Fluttershy said. She sobbed softly.
“Don’t worry, Fluttershy, there won’t be any war,” Rainbow Dash said. “Right, Twilight?”
“You know, the other griffons don’t seem terribly belligerent,” Rarity said. “Maybe we can reason with them?”
“But Giselle is their leader,” Twilight said. “How would we get her out of the picture?”
“Maybe the rest of us can go talk to the other griffons while you talk to Giselle,” Spike said.
“That sounds like it might just work,” Applejack said. “I reckon the griffons won’t go to war if this Giselle person is the only one who actually wants a war to happen.”
“It’s worth a try,” Twilight said. “Let’s do this.”
===
“Could we speak eye-to-eye for a moment?” Twilight said.
“And why would I want to do that?” Giselle said.
“Because so far, our talks have been fruitless, so I thought perhaps a different approach is in order. Besides, I feel like I would be better able to get to know you in a private conversation, which might result in a better understanding of one another, and greater respect. And given that we both want peace, I think we should try every option we have to reach an understanding.”
Giselle looked at her delegation. Her delegation looked back. She sighed. There would be no way to explain a refusal to Twilight’s offer to her entourage.
“Fine,” she said.
“In that case, the two of us shall retire to my Privy Chamber. We will see the rest of you later, hopefully with positive results.” Twilight led the way out of the throne room, with Giselle in tow.
For a moment, the room was quiet.
“Princess Godiva,” Rarity said, “I absolutely adore your dress. It is so exquisite!”
“Thanks, I guess.”
“So why don’t y’all tell us something about yourselves?” Applejack said. “Because I reckon you’re decent folks, and I’d like to get to know y’all.”
“Well,” one of the attendants said, “I’m from the very south of the Greywing holdings. I was born not far from the Azure Sea. As a chick, I would always go diving. Heck, I still do sometimes. I just love all the animals under the waves.”
Fluttershy gasped. “You know the wildlife of the Azure Sea? Oh my goodness, I would love to see all the tiny sea critters some day. I bet they’re just adorable.”
“Oh, they are. It’s the only habitat of a wide variety of species. I just wish we had some more know-how about animals. It would really help us promote the region’s biodiversity.”
“Oh my, I’m not an expert, but I’ve read up on the subject and I have a lot of experience with critters, so maybe I could be of use? If that’s okay with you, that is…”
Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash was engaged in a conversation with one of the guards.
“I maintain that Iron Will won that golden medal for curling fair and square,” Rainbow Dash said.
“Pssh, I bet that if there’d been a griffon competitor, we’d have won for sure!”
“Well, I’m sure Godwine could have given him a run for his money had he not gotten disqualified. I still don’t understand why he felt the need to take drugs. The guy’s a natural athlete! He doesn’t even need any performance enhancers!”
“Still, you actually competed in the relay race against our team?”
Rainbow Dash beamed. “Yeah! They were awesome. I got to hang out with Genevieve afterwards. She was pretty radical!”
At the same time, Applejack was discussing agriculture with the other attendant.
“Look, you guys have a lot of livestock, and we grow a lot of crops,” Applejack said. “What I’m saying is that if you’d send us some manure, we could fertilize our farms and increase our crop yield, and then you guys would have more food for your livestock and some tasty treats for yerselves. I think it would be mutually beneficial.”
“You would really be willing to trade in your fine crops for simple droppings?”
“Would we ever! I can tell you right now that to a farmer, manure can be worth its weight in gold. You could make a fortune off that stuff if ya just know who to sell it to!”
Rarity was spending her time having a heart-to-heart with Godiva.
“How much time do you and your sister spend together, anyway?” Rarity asked.
“Not a whole lot,” Godiva said. “Not that I mind much. Whenever we’re together, she just pushes me around. I don’t think she cares much for me.”
“Oh, you poor darling! There is hardly anything in the world as beautiful as a strong bond with your siblings! I would trade all the diamonds in the world for my Sweetie Belle. It must be so hard, not getting along with your sister. I used to be like that, but I have vowed to better myself!”
“Really, it’s not so bad,” Godiva said. “I’m used to it, and anyway, when she’s the Queen, I’m sure we won’t have much time to spend together anyway. I’m just worried if she’ll really be the queen our people need.”
Rarity hugged her tightly.
“Thanks for listening to my ramblings,” Godiva said. “I wish I knew more ponies like you.”
“Oh, the pleasure is all mine. You’re an absolute sweetheart. I do hope we can stay in touch.”
Spike was having a belching competition with some of the guards. He was winning by a landslide[3].
The rest of the guards were learning the finer points of the Pony Pokey from Pinkie Pie. Admittedly, some minor details had to be changed - it was rather difficult to step one’s left hoof in if one lacks hooves, after all. Despite that, they were having fun.
When Giselle returned and called her delegation to arms against the menace that was Equestria, she got a rather lacking response. For the next few days, the other griffons talked freely to the ponies, finding both friendship and a number of mutually beneficial agreements.
It was on the last day of the griffons’ stay in Canterlot that the investigators into the attempts on the princesses’ lives decided had the bright idea to check exactly who had access to weapons on the night of the crime. It wasn’t much later that suspicion fell squarely on Giselle.
Twilight decided to let King Grimwald decide on the appropriate punishment for his daughter, as a sign of trust.
The next week, she received an invitation to visit the delegates, partially to strengthen the ties between House Greywing and the Equestrian monarchy, but mostly to let friends spend time with friends. Attached to the invitation was a picture of Giselle, bereft not only of her status as Crown Princess, but also of her plumage. Griffon justice could be very effective sometimes.
[1] It was considered bad form to carry weapons into the throne room. This had little to do with the Princesses’ personal safety, which was rarely something to worry about as a number of failed attempts to turn Celestia into delicious Princess Kabob had shown; more probably, it came about after a rather embarrassing incident some six hundred years prior to Luna’s banishment in which a clumsy guard accompanying a delegation from the Crystal Empire accidentally sent a Zebrican ambassador into a prolonged leave of absence via the business end of a voulge. The ambassador made a full recovery in the end but would demand a strictly voulge-free workplace in the future.
[2] The traditional griffon legal system consisted of the accuser repeatedly screaming “you’re guilty!” and the defendant repeatedly crying “I’m innocent”; whomever was loudest was considered in the right, while the other party would usually be plucked and/or jailed. King Grimwald had sought to modernize the griffon legal system, and nowadays most of the larger eyries had a formal court of law, where griffon judges would experiment with such novel concepts like “innocent until proven guilty” and “evidence”. Most analysts predicted that it would only take a few more generations before the dominions of the Greywings had a legal system that was both fair and functioning.
[3] Figuratively speaking, thankfully. Literal landslide victories were rare, but when they did happen, it typically involved severe bodily harm and millions of bits in damage.
