The Hearts and Hooves Protocol

by Show Off

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Romance
Length: 2251

Functioning largely as a by-product of a biological need to reproduce, romantic pursuits had no place in my original Hearts and Hooves Day plans. A certain alicorn seems to have... different ideas in mind.

A cool winter's day. An odd request. An excitable Princess. It seems I will be forced to endure Hearts and Hooves Day whether I want to or not

////

Side story to Circuitry I wrote for the fun of it. Takes place some time before that one.

Published 2014-02-14 09:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-14 09:30:02 UTC

<if [love] then [happy]>

Temperature: One degree centigrade. Humidity: Five percent. Barometric pressure: 30.38 inHg. steady. Cloud cover: minimal, mostly sunny. A cool winter's day in Equestria. And in the laboratories of the Royal Canterlot Observatory, Twilight Sparkle thinks I need a special somepony.

"I am...unsure about this, Twilight," I say slowly.

My creator sighs and lowers her head, seeming momentarily defeated. I allow myself to hope for a brief moment that she has given up her rather peculiar proposal, when she picks her head back up with a determined smile on her face. "A.M.P., it's not that big of a deal! I'm not asking you to make a serious commitment, it's just a date!"

"Romantic relationships were not part of my original coding, nor have they merited the same intense study that friendship has." I am growing weary of Twilight's persistant requests for me to engage in romantic relations with other ponies.

"But that's why you need to branch out! Don't you want to find somepony special to spend Hearts and Hooves Day with?"

"No. You prioritized me with making friends. I am only following the code you set."

"Ugh!" She flares out her wings in annoyance. "A.M.P., we are going to find you a date and that's that!" She turns and walks toward the front door of the lab. "Come on!"

"Twilight, I do not want a 'date.' Can we not let Hearts and Hooves Day pass like any other? And what of you? Do you have a 'date' for this holiday?"

"Nope, she doesn't!" Phase Shift calls as she walks in. "I think the mother is trying to live vicariously through her daughter," she says with a giggle.

Twilight blushes heavily. "Th-that's not true! I've got a date! I just...haven't...asked him yet..."

"Aha, the great Twilight Sparkle feels the pinch of a deadline," Phase teases.

"And I suppose your boyfriend has special plans for the two of you?" Twilight retorts angrily. I am at a loss to explain her irrational behavior.

"Of course. Dinner, dancing, and moonlight stroll through the gardens. Sounds like you girls have some catching up to do."

Twilight says nothing, and storms out the front door with a huff. Her student gives a soft laugh, and turns to me. "You'd better catch up to her. She can move pretty quickly when you rile her up." I nod and exit the laboratory.

* * *

Twilight is half-way into the center of Canterlot by the time I rendezvous with her. "Twilight, your anger is puzzling to me."

"I'm not angry! I just..." She pauses and takes a deep breath. "Phase was just trying to get under my skin. Like I said, I have somepony I want to ask."

"Flash Sentry, correct? Princess Cadance's personal guard?"

Twilight abruptly stops walking. "How did you know about that?"

"You often send me to accept the mail. I noted the return address on the frequent letters he was sending you and made a calculated assumption."

"...please don't go around saying it." She is blushing again, I suppose in embarrassment.

"As you wish."

The sun is beginning to set and the temperature is falling slowly. Twilight resumes walking through the streets, now busy with ponies attempting to make their way home after a long day at work. "Where are we going, Twilight?" I inquire.

"We're going to find you a date for Hearts and Hooves Day, silly filly. You know that it's tomorrow! And it's happy hour, which means that most of the bars and restaurants will be full of eligible ponies."

We walk a few more blocks before Twilight decides on a reputable tavern, The Running Bull, and ushers me inside. She takes a seat at the bar and orders a light drink, prompting me to sit beside her.

The princess takes a sip and turns to me. "So what's your pick, A.M.P.? Mare, or stallion?"

I take a cursory glance around the room, noting the behavior of everyone present. The stallions all seem loud,obnoxious, and egotistical. The mares appear to be flaky, shallow, and judgemental. "Neither. May we go home now?"

"No, not until you've at least talked to someone."

"Twilight, they are all staring at me. I have told you that the ponies of this town find my presence unnerving."

She places a hoof on mine. "It's okay, sweetie. No one will try anything funny while I'm here."

An unfamiliar voice calls out. "Twilight Sparkle? Is that you?"

Twilight turns to identify the pony calling out to her. "Golden Tome? How are you!? I haven't seen you since I was in Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns! You look great!"

"This coming from the princess!" They embrace, and Golden takes a seat at the bar on the other side of Twilight. "And what is this?" she asks, gesturing towards me.

"This is A.M.P., an automoton I built to study more about the organic nature of friendship. A.M.P., this is Golden Tome, an old schoolmate of mine."

"It's a pleasure," I say, shaking her hoof.

"Likewise!" Golden leans over to Twilight and whispers "It's incredible. I've never seen a machine this sophisticated! You built it on your own?"

"Well, with some help from my student, Phase Shift. But it's important to know that she's self-aware. You have to treat her like you would any other pony."

"I see..." She sounds unsure, but that is not a novel experience.

"Please do not be alarmed," I tell her. "My existence is somewhat controversial. Twilight was ordered to submit a court petition to decide the status of my citizenship. The Solar Court is currently reviewing the case."

"Well that sounds...interesting!" She gives me a smile that does not appear to be genuine. "If you mares will excuse me, I need to use the filly's room..." She quickly walks away, notably toward the front door rather than the restrooms.

"I do not think that had the outcome you were hoping for, Twilight."

She huffs and pushes her straw around the edge of her glass with a hoof. "We'll just have to keep trying!" Looking around, she seems to take notice of young stallion seated at the opposite end of the bar from us. She waves the bartender over, and placing a hoof on my shoulder, says "This fine mare would like to buy that stallion a drink."

The bartender follows her hoof and gives a quick nod. He pours a draught of ale from a keg, and sets the drink down in front of the colt. The rather handsome colt inspects the drink, then mumbles something to the bartender. The bartender gives his reply, gesturing toward us. Twilight nudges me and give the colt a smile and a wave. He waves back with a smile that resembles the one I just received from Golden Tome. He mumbles something to the bartender and leaves, dropping a few coins on the counter to pay for his tab.

The bartender pulls the drink back over to us. "On the house," he says.

* * *

A curious exodus occurs over the next forty-three minutes. Twilight attempts to engage a number of ponies in conversation, usually about me. All twenty-six individuals give nearly identical awkward smiles and excuse themselves from the bar. The bartender eventually asks us to leave, as we have driven out the majority of his clientele.

As we walk back to the Observatory, I hang my head, not wishing to make eye-contact with any of the others. By now it is dark, and Luna's moon seems to shine a little brighter than normal, probably to provide a little more romantic atmosphere for the upcoming holiday.

"Well...that didn't go like I'd hoped at all..." Twilight says bitterly.

"It is of no consequence, Twilight," I reply. "Perhaps Hearts and Hooves Day is not a holiday for all ponies."

"What are you saying?! Of course Hearts and Hooves is for everypony! It's just that...well..."

"A holiday that primarily focuses on romantic love leaves little room for those substantially lacking in romantic interest?" I suggest.

"Exactly! And I think it's time we changed that!" My creator seems to perk up a bit, but she does not reveal what she is thinking.

Later, as she is running my nightly system's check, Phase asks about our evening. "Twilight said things didn’t go too smoothly in the special somepony search."

"A rather generous simplification," I say, feeling rather upset. "I fear the ponies of this city will never accept me."

"Just keep trying, girl! Remember, tomorrow's a new day!"

"Yes, a new day for everyone to avoid me and give their affection to others." I find myself desiring tear glands to better express my emotive state with.

After she disconnects me, my brown unicorn friend embraces me. "I care about you, A.M.P. And so does Twilight. And don't you ever, ever forget that." She stares into my eyes with a force that I did not know a young mare could muster.

"Thank you, Phase. I...I care about all of you as well."

She smiles. "Great! Things will get better, A.M.P. You are too special of a pony for them not to." After one last hug, she leaves, turning out the light as she goes.

I snuggle down into the memory foam nest and pull Princess Prettypants close to me. "I suppose I care about you as well," I whisper to the doll.

* * *

When I boot up the next morning, I find the laboratory draped in pink ribbons, streamers, and balloons. One of the work tables has been cleared of all instruments and data, and is instead covered with cake, candy, punch, and other party treats.

"Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, A.M.P.!!" Phase shouts when she notices I've woken up. "Do you like it? Were you surprised? This was Twilight's idea! We thought a party might cheer you up some!"

"It looks wonderful, Phase," I say giving a soft smile. "Thank you."

"There's my girl!" I hear Twilight call as she enters the room. "Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, A.M.P."

"Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, Twilight." I give her the same smile.

The three of us enjoy a little free time together on the holiday morning, before both of the Royal Sisters walk in. Phase and I immediately bow as Twilight rushes up to embrace her mentor.

"Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, everyone!” Celestia beams. Another round of salutations follows as we all wish each other a happy holiday.

For the rest of the day it is only the five of us, enjoying a day of laughter and relaxation. As it nears evening, Celestia encourages Luna to lower the sun, having little desire to move. At the same time, Twilight and Phase both adjourn to prepare for their dates, leaving only the Solar Princess and myself amid the half-deflated balloons.

"Was it an enjoyable holiday for you, my little pony?" she asks me.

"Yes, Princess. This small, intimate gathering with close friends is much preferable to a large, raccous party."

She laughs gently. "I must say I agree with you. Large crowds can be quite intimidating. And I am glad to see this holiday celebrate different meanings of love."

"Different meanings, Princess?"

"Of course. Hearts and Hooves Day was never all about romance. It's a day that we set aside to reflect on and appreciate all of the ponies who make our lives meaningful. You don't need a date to be happy on Hearts and Hooves Day, you just need to be surrounded by the ponies that you care about."

We chat softly for a while longer, when Phase and Twilight re-enter the laboratory, both wearing beautifully crafted evening gowns. Twilight beckons me over. "Come on, A.M.P. We'll be late for our reservation!"

Puzzled, I state, "I was under the impression that you would be accompanying others this evening."

"They'll be meeting us at the restaurant. Now come along! No one should be alone on Hearts and Hooves Day!"

I turn back to Celestia briefly. "Thank you, Princess. I believe you are correct." She only smiles at me in return.

"We have a surprise for you, as well," Princess Luna announces. She levitates a dress box out from under the food table.

I lift the lid, revealing a stunning gown cut from a midnight blue fabric. It is detailed with hexagons resembling carbon chains, and accented with light beadwork. The entire gown shimmers like it was pulsing with electricity. It is a very touching sentiment. "Th-thank you..." I stutter.

After getting dressed, I set off side by side with my two closest friends. And for once, on our way to the restaurant, I receive none of the usual stares.

* * *

After a wonderful dinner, I walk back to the Observatory alone. Twilight and Phase have... other plans for the evening, and I do not wish to interrupt them. Once more I am ignored on the streets of Canterlot, as everyone who is out seems entranced by the eyes of their partner. Strangely, I do not feel alone. Only happy that the others have somepony to love them, and that I have friends to love me.

I perform my own back-up and powerdown that evening, relaxing into the blankets and memory foam as my systems shut down one by one. The dress hangs neatly from one side of the computer tower, a memento of a fun evening. Pulling Princess Prettypants closer, I smile. It was not as bad a day as I had predicted it would be.