"I'm so... so sorry..."

by Silver Melodies

Rating: teen
Tags: Sad, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Tragedy
Length: 3590

What will happen when you have your life as you know it shattered? What will happen you are pushed until you snap? What will happen when those we love... are gone?

BOOK 1

How is one to react to one's world being changed? How should one react to losing what one holds dear? How do we cope? How do we move on?

Maybe we don't. Maybe we are meant to stay in our grief, and mourn for what was, and what never will be. Maybe we aren't meant to rise up, but to fall down.

What do we do? We stop. We don't try. We don't think. We grieve. We mourn. We break. We apologize. We cry.

We are so sorry...

Yet we have no control.

For best effect, listen to this while reading. If it stops while you are still reading, play it again. It really helps add to the emotions.

This is the first installment of my Heaven's Tears series.

Published 2014-02-15 02:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-15 02:00:03 UTC

Never Again

The rain fell softly, barely making a sound as it gentle kissed the ground, sending it's moisture to feed the plants and animals. The sky was only a light shade of gray. This rain was not heavy, and it wasn't going to be any time soon. The wind floated gently, barely stirring what it touched, such as the stray leaf, falling to the ground, or a loose branch, hanging on tight lest it fall.

Not the hair of the lone mare, sitting in sorrow. Her hair barely fluttered in the light breeze, but even if it had, she wouldn't have minded. She was lost in her thoughts, in her sorrow. Her eyelids hung limply, covering her eyes, but failing to contain the tears threatening to spill over and down.

One of these tears rolled down her cheek, slowly caressing her smooth fur. It reached the end of its path and fell, down to the ground. The tear hit a small flower, sliding off the petals and onto the soil. It rolled across the damp ground and came to stop at the base of a stone brick, a tombstone, where it sank into the earth.

The mare read the words on the tomb, longing to see the one whose name they depicted. If only she had more time. If only she had been able to do something. If only she had been faster and stronger.

She rubbed a hoof over the words, caressing their dents. She whispered the name, softly. A beautiful name, perfect for who it belonged to. The life of who it represented, once so full of joy and strength, gone, just like that. Not even a chance to say goodbye... or to say those two words, that were always lacking when she spoke...

The pain in her heart stung. It had been three days. Three days of covering up her sorrow, hiding her hurt, and deceiving her friends into think she was okay. She was anything but okay.

The funeral had wrapped up, and almost immediately, she had been thrown back into the swing of things. No time to mourn. No time to grieve. No time to cry. She couldn't take the time for her own personal needs. She was busy, and ponies were depending on her. She couldn't just stop.

Now she had finally had some time to herself. She had immediately walked out here, to these trees, to sit in front of the grave and mourn. She didn't care that it was raining. She didn't care that it was cold. She wanted to finally pay her respects like she should have.

A sudden gust of wind lifted her unbound mane into the air, letting it whip about gently until it fell back down, softly landing on her smooth neck. She had done an amazing job of keeping clean and well groomed, despite her work, but had put extra work into her looks before coming here. She had to look her best for her... her...

A single tear, for one lost soul, fell down her cheek, leaving it's trail of sorrow as it fell to the ground.

Why was she here? Why her? Why did she live? Why didn't she die? What was the purpose of this all? What was the point of going on? For her friends? Family? Was it worth it? Without...

She picked the small flower at the base of the tomb, the only one within several yards. She stared at it, longingly, lovingly. It was just in bloom, barely sprouting it's new petals, yet here she had picked it, right out of the ground, ending it's life, and any hope it had to grow big and strong. Just like the one who was laying in the ground before her.

At first she had been in denial. This was a dream. This wasn't real. This would all be better soon. Then she moved onto grief. This was happening. This wasn't a dream. This was real. This wouldn't get better. Then anger. Why was this happening? Why wasn't this a dream? Why wouldn't this get better? Then finally, here she was. Living in acceptance, yet heartache. This happened. This wouldn't get better. And she didn't know how to cope.

Another tear, a memory of the times she had spent with this lost soul. The times of joy, of peace, and of love. A tear for the times of sorrow and pain. A tear for the times they endured anything thrown at them, persevering through it all. A tear for the memories she would never have.

She would never feel her warm embrace, nor see her grow and become who she was destined to be. There was never again going to be the sound of her hooves against the road, or floorboards, or anything. She was never going to hear her soft voice, even once more...

She was alone... and that was all that mattered. No one could comfort her. She had lost so much. And now she would live in sorrow.

More tears, for the pain and loneliness she would now deal with. For her own fault, and for her own rage.

She lifted her head up let out a mournful wail.

And Applejack cried.

The barn walls lifted up off of the ground. Big Mac and Applejack pulled with all their might on the ropes holding it up, slowly lifting it into position. When it was up off the ground, Applejack left Big Mac to keep it in place as she secured the frame. The autumn breeze felt good on her skin as it dried the sweat that accumulated as a result from hard work. The cool sensation it brought felt wondrous. It was one of the reasons she enjoyed such hard labor.

The wall was soon secure. It stood tall and majestic. Not painted yet, and still a frame, but still, it was big. It was the biggest barn they had built to date. They had been working on it for a good week now, and they had just now gotten the frame up. Most of the Apple family was not able to help, and those who had been available had left the day before yesterday.

The sun was high in the sky, but Applejack didn't feel it's heat as the thin layer of clouds kept out the heat but not the light. This was her favorite time of year. The breeze, the afternoons, the night, the serenity. Nothing could be better.

She waved down to Big Mac, who released the rope he was holding, letting it fall limply to the ground. He wiped some sweat from his brow, letting out a satisfactory sigh. They had finished putting up the frame. Next up, they had to add the sides, but that was easy. By the end of the week, they'd be painting the walls of their new barn. And their biggest one, done mostly by themselves. That was an accomplishment.

She climbed down from her perch on the frame work and landed on the ground with a slight grunt. Now she could finally sit down and eat a nice, hardy, home-cooked meal. The breeze once again stirred, lifting her mane ever so slightly. She enjoyed the feeling of the cool air on her neck, weaving through her hair. It brought with it the scent of earth, trees, and calmness.

She took a deep breath as she trotted back to her home with her brother. She would never have been able to do any of this if it weren't for him. He was the rock of this family, always staying strong, always pushing on, even when he felt like quitting. Luna knows she wouldn't be able to live without him.

She pushed open the door and was assaulted with the fragrance of apple filled food. The smell activated her mouth, causing her to swallow in delight. Soon, she would be seated around the table, with her family, eating their lunch before she and Big Mac headed back out to the field to work on the barn some more. It was getting close to harvest season, but not quite there, so they didn't have any bucking to do. The animals ad been taken care of by Apple Bloom, and the small garden of non-apple foods was being tended by Granny.

She sat down, seating herself next to Apple Bloom. Her little sister snuggled up to her. “Hey sis! How's the barn comin'?”

Applejack returned the affection, rubbing against her sister's soft cheeks. She was so young and sweet, so full of life. “Well, we got tha frame up, so Ah reckon it'll be 'bout a week 'till we finish. Right Mac?”

“Eeyup.”

Granny Smith laid out the food before everypony. It was mainly apple fritters and some salad. They didn't only eat apples, after all. Granny Smith sat down, carefully. Old age was catching up to her. As old as she was, she was still very spry. But not even her wise old granny could live forever, and when that day came... Applejack didn't want to think about it.

“So, Applejack.” Granny said after she had sat down. “Tha barn's comin' along nicely then, eh?”

“Sure is granny! Like Ah was tellin' Apple Bloom here, should be done by the end a this week.”

Granny smith smiled. “Well, that's good ta hear. Ah still don't know why you had ta break down tha last one.”

Applejack rolled her eyes. “Ah told ya, it was damaged from that last storm we had, and while we could'a fixed it, it was getting' close to tha time we were going to replace it... so we might as well do it now.”

Applejack helped herself to some fritters and salad. As the whole family settled down to eat, conversation turned to more casual topics, such as the weather, or how low the apple stocks were. Thankfully, Apple Bucking Season was almost here.

Applejack relaxed in her family's company. The smell of the food, mixed with the cool breeze coming through their window only added to the relaxation. She was almost having to fight to stay awake, but the work that had to be done and the conversation kept her eyes open. This was a good life she had.

Applejack let the rain cover her until she was soaked through. It took a while, since the rain only feel in light sheets, only barely misting what it touched, but eventually, it got through her coat, and then her skin. She didn't care anymore. Live or die, who cared? She could soak in the heavy downpour of a thunder storm. It just didn't matter.

That day was supposed to be a good day. It was supposed to be peaceful. It wasn't.

She looked up, the rain mixing with her tears as they cascaded down her cheeks. She closed her eyes as the cooling mist fell upon her face, adding to the moisture. She couldn't tell her own tears from the rain that soaked her face now. Not that it mattered.

She looked at the flower she still held. She gently caressed it. So soft, so young, so beautiful. She imagined it sprouting up and becoming the one she had lost. The one her heart ached for above all things.

She looked to the earth, where under her sat the body of the departed pony. Still fresh, still soft, still dark. Under normal circumstances, she would thought of it as good gardening soil. Now, it only served to remind her of her loss.

The sky rumbled in the distance. The rain had thickened, just barely, and the sky had darkened. She didn't notice as she left the flower to slowly fall, down, until it rested upon the grave before her, where it lay, gathering mist and droplets of water. There was no light, leaving it to look like a sad, soaked, dying flower.

She fell down, her body wracked with sobs. The pain was too much. She cried, silently, into the ground, though now her tears were indistinguishable from the rain.

The afternoon breeze was even cooler than the one at noon, but still felt better as Applejack sweat even more, straining from the work of hauling the building materials to the barn, so they could begin putting up the walls. It wasn't much she had to haul, but it was heavy. Heavy even to her.

She finished her trip, dumping her load right next to the barn. Apple Bloom stood by, eager to help.

“What can Ah do sis?”

Applejack shook her head. “Nothin'. Yer not strong enough to help here today.”

Apple Bloom started to cry. The little filly was an expert at that, making you cry and feel sorry for her, even when she deserved what she had coming. Her puppy eyes, her whimpers, and her tears all added up to make one irresistible face.

It had no effect on Applejack. “No. Ah don't want ya getting' hurt or worse. Now go back home and help granny with tha chores.”

Apple Bloom pouted and stormed away, her tail and mane flickering lightly in the breeze. Even when she was mad, or a brat, she was still cute. She watched as the filly walked back into their home.

She leaned against a nearby tree, waiting for her help to get here. Not Big Mac, he was already here. But they needed help to get up high, were it could be potentially dangerous. She pulled her stetson over her eyes and nodded of in the cool, afternoon breeze, as the suns rays began to paint the land with a golden glow as only a sunset can provide.

She was awoken suddenly by a playful poke at her ribs. “Wake up sleepy head!”

She grinned at the voice, that rough, yet sweet voice. She lifted her stetson back up, smiling wide. “Howdy Rainbow Dash. 'Bout time ya got here.” She looked up at the sky. The sun's almost set. Ah doubt we'll get any real work done outside a settin' up the rig.”

Rainbow laughed. Applejack, though she never admitted it, had a secret crush on Rainbow Dash. Sure, call her lesbian, but she loved who she loved. Of course, she was never open about her feelings, she was afraid of rejection, from more than one pony. Still, the sound of her laugh made Applejack smile wider.

“You'll see!” She said. “I'll have that rig up in ten seconds flat!”

Rainbow flew off, grabbing the rope in her mouth. She flew up and around the top of the barn and a nearby tree, wrapping the rope over and under branch and frame. It was a sight to see, that rainbow maned mare dashing through the sky, twisting around beams and through branches. Amazing was all Applejack could quietly mutter before Rainbow dropped back down in front of her.

“Done.” She beamed.

Applejack laughed. The way the wind picked up Rainbow's hair and let it dance in the air, a few strands clinging to the front of her face. So cute.

“Nice, but ya did that in eleven seconds, not ten.” She smirked.

Rainbow feigned being hurt. “Well! I guess I'll just leave!”

She spread her wings, but Applejack tackled her to the ground. “No ya don't! Ya got work ta do! With your speed, we'll be able to put up some a the wall before dusk.”

Rainbow laughed again, sweetly, more softly than the other time. She shook her head as she pushed Applejack off of her. “Fine, fine, I'll stay, but only because you asked so nicely.”

Together, the two began the preparations for making the wall. They hooked up the first piece of wood to the rig and tested to make sure it was firm. Big Mac came around and grabbed the rope in his mouth. He pulled hard, lifting it into the air, slowly but surely. The rope strained against its heavy load, but held strong. Once it was at the right height, Rainbow flew up and helped nail it to the frame. She finished fairly quickly, but she wasn't one to choose quantity over quality. She chose both.

As they were hooking up the second piece, Rainbow pulled Applejack over. “Applejack, I don't want to worry you, but that rope looks kinda... weak.”

Applejack looked up and sure enough, it did look slightly frayed. She shrugged. “Ah've seen worse. It'll hold, don't worry.”

Rainbow Dash looked skeptical, but didn't think to much on it. “If you say so.”

Big Mac grabbed the rope and pulled again. The rope creaked, but held. He pulled harder, tensing his muscles and pulling with all his strength, until the piece was in place. A gust of wind sent it swaying, and Big Mac grunted from the effort to hold it up. It swayed a bit, but Rainbow Dash helped to steady it, but her eyes went wide.

“Applejack, this rope's about to snap!”

“Applejack?” a soft voice called out.

Applejack looked down to see Apple Bloom standing there, holding a hammer and some nails. “Is it okay if Ah help with the lower levels of tha barn?”

Applejack's eyes went wide as she heard a snap. “Applejack!” Rainbow shouted.

The heavy wall, with all its weight and momentum, came falling down. Right over Apple Bloom. Applejack screamed as she saw the event unfold. Apple Bloom looked up to see the wooden wall falling towards her. She screamed as she jumped out of the way, dropping the hammer and nails she was holding. Applejack ran forward to grab her sister. Big Mac fell back as the sudden decrease in tension on the rope sent him off balance. Rainbow Dash dove from the sky as fast as she could to grab the little filly before she was crushed.

Time seemed to slow down for Applejack. She reached out, but she was too far away. Rainbow Dash wouldn't be fast enough. And Apple Bloom was too slow. Her mind came to the realization, but she wouldn't accept it. Her heart began to burn. Her eyes welled up.

Apple Bloom's eyes met her own. The fear and terror in Apple Bloom's eyes was unmistakable. The confusion as to what the filly had done was also there. The filly's eyes spoke of her sadness as she realized what was going to happen to her.

Then she was gone before anypony could shed a tear, or say goodbye

Applejack screamed, her whole body aching now. Her crying had weakened her, and now she lay in the mud, covered rain and dirt and tears. She only wanted to see her sister. She just wanted to see her one more time. To tell her how much she missed her, how much she wanted to see her, how much she loved her.

It was useless. It was all for nothing. No amount of crying nor sobbing would bring her sister back. But that didn't matter. She cried anyway. She let her tears flow as if someone had broken a dam. She opened her mouth in a soundless scream as she fought to understand why.

But no answer came. Her stetson fell off, onto the grass. The rain collected there, pooling in the once strong mare's trademark hat. Now, it she could care less about it. She would trade it, she would trade everything in the world, just to see her beautiful, little sister again.

She tried to get up, but fell back down in a pitiful mess. She lay there for what felt like hours before trying to get up again. This time, she succeeded in sitting up. She looked once more at the name on the tombstone, running her hoof over the name once more as she whispered the words.

“Apple Bloom.”

The rain had abated somewhat, so it was more of a dense, falling fog than a downpour, but she didn’t notice. The wind was light again, barely pulling at her hair. She paid no heed to it. She just stared at the grave. Her sister's grave.

The one whom she would never get to see again. Never tuck into bed, never smile at her crazy antics again, never hear her again...

Never hold her again.

“I'm so... so sorry...”

The reality of the situation hit her again. It started as gentle sobs, then heaves, then finally, she fell over again, her whole body wracked with sorrow and pain... The rain now gently fell on her cheeks, mingling with her tears. The wind lifted her hair up, into the sky, raising it towards the heavens.

Applejack screamed again, letting out her pain, her sorrow, her anguish, over her lost sister. This was it. She hadn't even been able to say goodbye. She stared at the freshly turned earth, still lying on the ground. With the tears in her eyes, and the sobs in her throat, she was able to choke out three strangled words.

Three words. She had barely said them, no matter how much she meant them. She didn't even recall the last time she had said them to Apple Bloom, sending another wave of sorrow through her. Those three, small words, that would have meant so much to the young filly.

“I... love you...”

And Applejack cried.

Author's Note

Here is my first attempt at a serious tear-jerker, that just happens to fall upon Hearts and Hooves day... huh. Well, I hope you all enjoyed it! You can expect more seriously sad and tragic stories in the future!