Diamond Tiara's Cosmic Journey
Diamond Tiara giggled as she bounced, hopped, and pronked among the dry leaves covering the ground, creating a symphony of crunching and crackling noises. She paused, grinding her little hooves down into the pile of desiccated plant matter and relishing in the oh-so-satisfying sound it made. After another moment, she sighed and trotted away from the dense patch of leaves with a smile on her face, resuming her journey through the park. It wasn't long before her best (and only) friend Silver Spoon came into view as she crested a hill, and Diamond quickened her pace.
"Hey, Silver," Diamond called out.
Silver was belly-down on the grass as she looked up from the pair of silvery objects wrapped in her hooves. She smiled back at Diamond. "Changed your mind, huh?"
Diamond settled down on the grass next to her friend, replying, "Yeah, well, my dad got called into work today, so he couldn't take me to Thunder Lanes."
"Oh," Silver said, her hoof reaching up to play with her braided mane. "Um, sorry."
"It's no big deal; we can go bowling some other time." Diamond shrugged, her smile gone. "So, what did you wanna do?"
Silver perked up and held out a spoon to her friend. "Here, you can play Mr. Rich, and I'll play Ms. Spoon."
"Mr. Rich?" Diamond asked slowly, picking up the spoon and looking down at it. There was a crude pony face drawn on the shiny bowl. "Um, okay. What do I do?"
"Follow my lead." Silver held out the other spoon, which also had a face drawn on it. Silver then spoke in a higher-than-normal pitch. "Hello, Mr. Rich."
Diamond looked from Silver to the spoons and then back again. She shook the spoon in her hoof. "Uh, hello there."
"No, no," Silver said, lowering her pitch dramatically, "Mr. Rich sounds like this."
Diamond imitated the pitch as best as she could, shaking the spoon again. "Hello, Ms. Spoon. Um, what's up?"
"Oh, not much." Silver had reverted to the higher pitch as she shook her spoon doll. "How's your daughter?"
"She's, uh, just fine, I guess."
"That's great." Silver edged her spoon a little closer to Diamond's. "Say, since both our daughters are busy tonight, would you like to stay over? I just put a fresh pie in the oven, and I've got a bottle of cider we could share."
"I, uh.... Yeah, sure."
Silver moved her spoon even closer. "Of course, if you're feeling impatient, we could skip dinner and.... Well, you know."
Diamond gagged a little as Silver pressed the spoons together and made what were unmistakably supposed to be the sounds of wet smooching. Diamond turned away to look somewhere, anywhere that wasn't at the mildly-disturbing scene playing out before her. To the filly's surprise, she actually found something to look at. It was a bright spot in the sky, though it certainly wasn't as bright as the sun. It was getting brighter by the second, though. "Hey, what's that?" Diamond asked, pointing up at the object.
Silver looked away from the spoon make-out session and squinted. "I don't know, but I think it's on fire. Ooh, maybe it's a meteor!"
"Don't meteors have, like, long tails and stuff?"
Silver sat up, staring at what was now obviously a ball of fire. "They do. Of course, you wouldn't be able to see one if it were going away from or coming right at you."
Diamond turned to her friend with wide eyes and a deep frown as the fireball rapidly grew in apparent size. "Please tell me you're—"
The filly was probably going to say "joking," but she was prevented from finishing her sentence by the ball of fire landing a few feet away. And by "landing" I mean that it slammed into the ground with the explosive force of a piñata filled with TNT rather than candy. Instead of finishing her sentence, she simply screamed like the little filly that she was as the blast launched her across the park at speeds she had never before experienced nor ever wanted to. Leaves filled her open mouth and tangled in her mane as she smashed through a shrub she'd passed by earlier. She simply spat the leaves out and continued screaming, though she stopped again for a moment when her belly slammed into a playground slide on the other end of the park. With a high-pitched squeaking sound, she slid right up the ramp and shot into the sky like a pink rocket.
Diamond grit her teeth as the wind whipped her mane back and freed it of a few leafy hitchhikers, turning her head to observe the rapidly-shrinking town beneath her. She screamed again as her face punched through a layer of cloud, her journey showing no signs of stopping any time soon. Had she not been panicking so much, she might have questioned why she wasn't slowing down. She might have thought back to Cheerilee's brief lesson on gravity, as well as that time that Silver Spoon had Diamond help her study physics. Alas, she was too busy screaming.
She did eventually stop screaming, of course, when she realized that she was almost certainly going into orbit, and even she knew that space doesn't have air. As the thought came to her, she sucked in what thin air there was left and held it, wanting to cling to life as long as possible within the hard vacuum she was about to enter. She glanced back over her shoulder again, taking a moment to look at the big ball of blue and green behind her. Yup, she was in space. Wait a moment, shouldn't she be, like, exploding or something now? No, wait, Silver said that ponies wouldn't explode if ejected into space. Something about there not being a big enough difference in pressure. Of course, she'd just been blasted off the planet by a flaming meteor and an aluminum playground slide, so all bets on what she knew about physics were pretty much out the window at that point.
It was quite quiet up in space. Silver did mention that sound can't travel through the vacuum, so that made some sense. It was also surprisingly warm up there, though it was starting to get a bit colder as she made her way around the planet and toward a big white ball that she realized must be the moon. She squinted down at the surface as she approached. There appeared to be some sort of building built on the surface. It looked kinda like a castle or fortress of some sort. The structure was quite reminiscent of the palace in Canterlot. It even had armed guards patrolling the grounds.
Wait, guards! Maybe they could help her. She flailed her limbs about, trying to make humming noises to draw the attention of the... bat ponies? What? Whose castle was this?
As she passed over the castle, she got her answer. There, behind the fortress, was a dark blue alicorn sitting in a chair and sipping from a highball glass. Before her was a colossal chessboard with all of its pieces present and ready to start a new game. At the opposite end of the board was another chair, but this one only had a pile of rocks wearing a fedora and sunglasses.
One of the giant chess pieces on the white side was engulfed in a blue aura and moved across the board. "Your move," Princess Luna said, staring across the field at the pile of rocks. The pile neither spoke, nor moved its black pieces. Luna crossed her hooves and turned her narrowed eyes to the dusty ground. "I hate this."
Diamond raised an eyebrow in response to pretty much everything she'd just witnessed as she drifted away from the castle. None of it had made any sense to her whatsoever. As she circled the moon and shot off into deep space, she simply shrugged. It was just one of those days, apparently.
And then, Diamond Tiara got bored. Really bored. She was so bored, in fact, she found herself wishing that another meteor would hit her just for a change of pace. She'd stopped wondering why she wasn't passing out for lack of oxygen hours ago, and that was really the last interesting thing around. There were no nearby planets, or stars, or anything, really. Space was boring.
She closed her eyes, and was on the verge of falling asleep when her muzzle crunched against something. She squeaked and held a hoof to her nose as she wondered what she'd hit. Even after opening her eyes, though, she still didn't know quite what it was.
It was big, that was for sure, and it was purple. It was so big, in fact, that it was practically a wall before her. She reached a hoof out and poked at it, finding it soft to the touch and a little rubbery. To her ever-increasing surprise, the giant purple thing started moving away from her. It turned, showing itself to be not a wall but an oblong object of obfuscated origins. For some reason, it had big flaps on either side of its body. Slowly, it brought one big, flat end of itself to point at Diamond, who screamed when it blinked at her with an eye the size of her head.
The mauve monster opened its mighty mouth and said, "Holy fish nuggets, it's you!"
"What?" was all that Diamond could say in reply.
"But I must be sure," the beast muttered, it's giant black eyes pointing this way and that. "Tell me, young one, what happens to things that you want?"
It took her a moment, but then she just shrugged off the fact that a giant purple monster was talking to her in outer space and said simply, "I get them."
"Praise the Blubbery One, it is as foretold! Oh, but where are my manners? I am Hurklogmisteriogrammophon the Third, last of the Giant Cosmic Space Whales."
"Um, okay. I'm—"
"The chosen one, I know! Isn't it grand?" said Hurklogmisteriogrammophon the Third with what one might call a smile.
"Huh?"
The Giant Cosmic Space Whale scrunched up it's face and then puked out a big cube covered in red and pink goo. It brushed the goo off with its Giant Cosmic Space Tongue and cleared its massive throat. "It has long been foretold that the Pink Filly of Justice would appear one day to be our savior. This hero is you, obviously."
"Wait, wait, what? What makes you think I'm this 'Pink Filly of Justice?'"
"Because you are the only creature that has ever matched the prophecy. You see, it says that the Pink Filly of Justice will arrive from seemingly nowhere, confused and lost, finding herself far from home."
"Well, okay, that's actually kinda right, but—"
"And that she will be bearing a headpiece made with silver and diamonds, and she shall be reluctant to believe in the prophecy about her."
"I'm not the only—"
"And that her name will be Diamond Tiara, and that she lives at 1412 South 9th Street, Ponyville, Equestria."
"Uhhh...."
"And she will have one true friend and a father who doesn't go bowling with her because of his work at a bargain retail store."
"Okay, I think I get it."
"And when she thinks no one is around, she likes to get a kitchen baster, warm up a big bowl of oatmeal, and—"
"Alright! Stop!" Diamond crossed her forelegs, blushing more than a little. "So, what's the Pink Filly of Justice supposed to do, anyway?"
The Giant Cosmic Space Whale pulled in the cube and swallowed it with a grimace before speaking. "She shall save our kind from utter destruction. Unfortunately, you're about five hours too late."
"That's too bad. Well, I guess I'd better be going, then." Diamond turned and tried to swim away from the creature, but she wasn't really going anywhere because she wasn't underwater.
"If only you'd been here a few hours ago, you could have saved our civilization. Oh well, I guess we'll just have to go back in time."
Diamond stopped her swimming motions. "Huh?"
"Yup. We'll just go back in time and stop the Giant Cosmic Space Squid from destroying us all. Come, Pink Filly of Justice!" The Giant Cosmic Space Whale reached out a Giant Cosmic Space Fin and wrapped the Pink Filly of Justice in it. Making a noise reminiscent of a cement mixer filled with broken glass and dead beetles, Hurklogmisteriogrammophon the Third pumped his Giant Cosmic Space Tail and began moving through the void. The horrible noise increased in volume as they picked up speed.
"Question," Diamond said, poking her head out from behind the Giant Cosmic Space Fin. "How are we talking? I thought sound couldn't travel through space because it has no air."
"Clearly it can," replied Hurklogmisteriogrammophon the Third.
"But Cheerilee said that—"
"Has Cheerilee ever been to space?"
Diamond put a hoof to her chin. "Well, um, I don't think so."
"Well then, how would she know anything about it? On the other fin, you are in space right now. Can you breathe and speak?"
Diamond just shrugged again. "Alright, but what about the whole time travel thing?"
"It's easy. We just slingshot ourselves around the sun and warp ourselves back through time. Then we just do it again and return to the present. We do it quite a lot, actually, though it's usually just to avoid paying late fees for movie rentals."
"How... how do you make sure you don't go forward through time instead of backward?"
"It all depends on which way you go around the sun. Just make sure you take the proper side, and you'll be fine."
"That doesn't make any sense!"
The Giant Cosmic Space Whale scoffed. "As if anything here makes sense. You might want to close your eyes, by the way; the sun is pretty bright, after all."
Diamond glanced forward and then snapped her eyes shut at the blinding light of the big yellow ball of fire that they were rapidly approaching. The heat was nigh unbearable until Hurklogmisteriogrammophon the Third completely covered Diamond under his Giant Cosmic Space Fin where it was slightly-less blisteringly hot. It was also a little slimy and smelled of rotten meat just a bit, but it was better than being space bacon.
Diamond passed out as they made their way around the fireball, and her mind was assaulted with a bizarre barrage of voices and visuals. She saw Cheerilee's disembodied head giving a lecture on why the sky was blue. She heard her father in the next room, negotiating sales prices with Granny Smith. She recalled that time she'd dared Silver Spoon to act like a cat, and how the following ten minutes had left Diamond feeling mildly disturbed and unsure of her own romantic preferences.
Silence and darkness fell on Diamond for a time. When she came to, she found herself floating next to Hurklogmisteriogrammophon the Third. "Wha.... Where... er, when are we? Are we back in time?"
"Yes, we are, after a slight mishap."
"Mishap?" Diamond's questioned was answered as her eyes fell upon another Giant Cosmic Space Whale and another Diamond Tiara floating nearby. "Wha...."
"You were unconscious for so long that you missed the Great Squid War entirely, so I had to come back a second time." He pointed a Giant Cosmic Space Fin at the other Diamond. "That's you from a few hours ago, still sound asleep. Who would've thought that the Pink Filly of Justice would look so cute when she sleeps?"
"I know, she's positively adorable," said the other Hurklogmisteriogrammophon the Third. "Well, you'd best be off to deliver the Pink Filly of Justice to her destiny. Be you later."
"Will do." And with that, the present version of Hurklogmisteriogrammophon the Third swam off with a horrible grinding noise, pulling the present version of Diamond Tiara along. "So, are you prepared, young warrior?"
"How am I supposed to help you fight space squid, anyway?"
"I have no idea, actually."
"What?!"
"But it was foretold that the Pink Filly of Justice would find a way, and that it would be most unprecedented."
Diamond tapped a hoof to her chin a few times, staring off into the void. "Hmm.... Well, what are these space squid like?"
Hurklogmisteriogrammophon the Third shuddered. "They are vile, horrid, evil beasts. Legend has it that they are so terrible that they are allergic to things that are good and sweet. Unfortunately, we Giant Cosmic Space Whales are pretty gross ourselves, so we can't really fight them very well." He turned his giant eyes forward and smiled a little. "Ah, here we are."
Diamond furrowed her brow at the scene before her. There were indeed massive, brown, squid-like creatures, as well as more of the whale-esque beasts like her new friend. The Giant Cosmic Space Squid were slapping at the Giant Cosmic Space Whales, who would just sort of groan and roll over dead. The Giant Cosmic Space Whales were shooting purple beams from their eyes and setting the Giant Cosmic Space Squid on fire, whereafter they would melt into goo. Diamond probably would have been confused, but that ability had left her some time ago.
"Here, come and meet our generals so that we may plan our attack." Hurklogmisteriogrammophon the Third brought Diamond down to a cluster of Giant Cosmic Space Whales, pointing his Giant Cosmic Space Fin at each one in turn. "This is Plthgthkomoso, our chief quartermaster. This here is Utonigorfestivus, lead researcher into the Pink Filly of Justice Prophecy. And finally, our commander-in-chief: Geoffrey."
Geoffrey reached out a Giant Cosmic Space Fin and saluted as well as he could. "Well met, PFJ. I can't tell you how delighted I am that you've finally arrived."
Diamond saluted back. "Um, thanks?"
"Now," Geoffrey started, "on to business. The Giant Cosmic Space Squid have been wiggling at us non-stop for seventeen minutes now, and our forces cannot hold out much longer. We're at a loss, here. PFJ, what plans do you have for putting an end to this war?"
Diamond stared out at the battle zone, her mind deep in thought. An idea came to her slowly. It was a crazy idea, but it might just work.
"Stay here," she said, kicking off from Utonigorfestivus and sailing into the void. Her face was set with determination as she made her way past the front lines of battle. Giant Cosmic Space Whales went belly-up and Giant Cosmic Space Squid liquefied as she passed through the war zone.
There, beyond the wiggling and lasers, hovered the Giant Cosmic Space Squid King's throne, and on it sat the Giant Cosmic Space Squid King. Diamond smirked, and held her hooves out. If these squid things were as vile, awful, and downright disgusting as they said, then she had an idea of what was needed to bring them down. All she had to do was get close enough to try.
Diamond shut her eyes tight and smiled as she collided with and hugged the squid's big, squishy body. "I love space cephalopods!" she squealed.
The creature's massive eyes turned inward to gaze upon the filly that gripped him. He wretched for a moment and flailed his tentacles about, unable to withstand the unadulterated sweetness radiating from Diamond Tiara. It groaned, "Such... a cute... filly."
The Giant Cosmic Space Squid King exploded in a massive ball of fire and squid goo, propelling the screaming filly away like a pink cannonball. She punched straight through a line of Giant Cosmic Space Squid warriors, causing each one to burst from the residual cuteness that she left on each one.
"Farewell, Pink Filly of Justice!" called Hurklogmisteriogrammophon the Third as Diamond rocketed past. "Thank you for saving us! Now we shall have all the Giant Cosmic Space Krill to ourselves! Praise the Blubbery One!"
Diamond simply screamed in response as she found herself uncontrollably flying through space once again. She held her tiara tight as a blue and green ball steadily grew larger up ahead. Could she really be that lucky?
She shut her eyes as her body entered the atmosphere, the air in front of her compressing until it burst into flame. She held her hooves in front of her face and squinted through the heat building in front of her. The last thing she saw before blacking out was a big expanse of green.
Diamond awoke to the sound of somepony saying her name, and slowly opened her eyes. She found herself lying in a big bowl of dirt and feeling like she'd just spent a few minutes in a toaster. She slowly got to her hooves and turned to see where the voice was coming from.
"Oh, thank goodness you're alright!" squeaked Silver Spoon as she jumped down beside her friend.
"What happened?" Diamond asked, holding her throbbing head in her hooves.
"There was this huge explosion when the meteor hit, and I got blasted out of the park. When I came back, there was this big crater and you were lying in it. What happened to you?"
Diamond looked at the crater, the field around it, and the yellow colt roasting what appeared to be a giant leech over an open fire. She slowly pitched her head skyward. "Nothing," she muttered. "Nothing happened at all."
Author's Note
Inspired by a brief exchange with Regidar in the comments of his story Smoking Makes You Look Cool.
