"When people ask me what's its being the only known human in the entire world, I reply with 'Do you want a taco or not?' in a bored tone as they are most likely holding the line. Sometimes they'll just stand there, or sit, with mouths open in awe as I prepare the person currently at the front of line's taco with my knife that just happens to not look like any other culinary cutting tool . I don't use it to threaten or stab people, or ponies, and I certainly don't throw it at customers who are being obnoxious or rude. Well, there was that one pegasus... but we're loosing focus so I'll leave it at that. Back on topic, a lot of the chatter I hear in my little shop in downtown Canterlot is about the burglar I nearly... well, 'killed' is a bit harsh since I just planing to break his hind legs for trashing my restaurant but then he had to go callin' the City Guards and get us both thrown in jail for the night. When his story about me wearing some suit of black 'armor' became public, my shop nearly exploded from all the reporters and interviewers, like you, trying to get the scoop on me suddenly becoming this "trained mercenary". Whatever the say, like everything else in the papers these days, is just a load tomatoes so rotten they're not even worth throwing. And just to be clear, I was wearing my uniform that night -yes I have one- and it was black. No you can't see it, and no I won't wear it just for you. Weirdo...
Anyways, long story short: I'm just an Ordinary Dude who Sells Tacos. Not ex-military or Guard or anything like that. Seriously though, end of story and this recording. I said, end of recording!"
"Did I know he was going to freak out when I didn't stop recording? No. Did I want to? No. Did I know he was going to twist my limbs like that when I told him I wouldn't because it had several more moments of recording left in the reel? No, I didn't! Nopony could've known! Except that burglar... Hey Paperweight, see if you can't find out who broke into Jake's shop ASAP! I want to be able to get his side of the story the second I'm outta here!"
