My Little Pyongyang: Friendship is Mandatory

by Jspang

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Comedy, Other
Length: 1886

Celestia has peace talks with Kim Jong Un. They do not go well.

Princess Celestia and Kim Jong Un engage in peace talks because what in the hell is wrong with me.

Only the most recent in a slowly-increasing list of incredibly dumb ideas that keep popping into my head. This story was created simply because of the title that a friend of mine came up with.

Published 2014-02-19 02:10:10 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-19 02:10:10 UTC

In Which Shit Happens

Sometimes, when Princess Celestia finds herself in a particularly stressful situation, she tends to have thoughts of a... darker nature than usual. During these times, the bringer of the day contemplates the powers that allow her to do so. She considers how easy it would be to bring her sun just a few hundred thousand miles to Equuis and incinerate everything. Celestia would be willing to make that sacrifice, simply to escape the incredibly misguided pony in front of her. Of course, she would never do such a thing, as her day planner told the princess that she could have an extra slice of cake if she sat through the meeting.

Who could possibly cause the usually kind and understanding alicorn to consider the wholesale slaughter of all her wonderful little ponies and countless other intelligent beings living within and beyond Equestria's borders? Only a certain Kim Jong Un, of North Koreina. The incredibly unpleasant unicorn had been shouting in his native language for the past hour, and hadn't shown any sign of stopping since he started.

Kim Jong Un was not a particularly pleasing pony to look at. Everything from his portly stomach, to his flaccid magi-tech missile cutie mark offended the eyes in some way. Even his coat was a disgustingly bright shade of orange, directly contrasting with his dull personality. However, as unpleasant as it was to observe him with the eyes, it was downright mind-numbing to listen to the demented unicorn. His shrill voice grated on Celestia's ears, and he hadn't paused for a breath in a shockingly long time, leaving his translator to flounder hopelessly behind, going on about how Equestria needs to recognize North Koreina as "Best Koreina" and surrender unconditionally and immediately, lest they incur his wrath and a bombardment that would "render the entire country completely uninhabitable for generations. Celestia, in all her infinite composure, could not manage to suppress her yawn, one that the dictator thankfully didn't pick up on.

Finally, Kim Jong Un's tirade came to an end, and he waited impatiently for his translator to finish. "So what is your response, Celestia?" the earth pony questioned, somehow shying nervously away from his glaring employer without altering his facial expression whatsoever.

The alicorn princess shook her head slightly to wake herself back up before clearing her throat and answering, "You must understand, Mr. Jong-"

The dictator's translator interrupted her at that. "My lord would prefer to be addressed as 'The Illustrious and Glorious Doctor Kim Jong Un,' if you please."

"... Quite so. As I was saying, and I do mean this with the utmost respect, but the fact of the matter is that Equestria has no real reason to do anything of the sort until a truly threatening display of power has been observed. Perhaps a weapons test that is pulled off successfully would suffice?" The princess added the last part with a coy bat of her eyelashes and a shit-eating grin that would rival that of Jetstream Sam himself.

As his translator finished relaying Celestia's words to him, Kim Jong Un's face colored an impressive shade of crimson and he once again erupted into a self-righteous rant at an excessively loud volume. The translator, however, refused to match the dictator's tone and volume (a fact that Celestia thanked Faust for), and continued in the monotone only acheived by those who have lost all will to live. "How dare you besmirch the flawless name of the Illustrious and Glorious Doctor Kim Jong Un? Do you not understand that he is actually your true father? That it is he who truly controls the sun and moon, despite the lies you tell your subjects? That North Koreina has only three days ago landed a pony on the sun? We even crushed you in the foolish Winter Games in Stalliongrad. What hope could Equestria possibly have against such a potent force?"

Celestia just barely managed to stifle a laugh.

"Do you not understand that the only reason Equestria, or any other nation, for that matter, is that the Illustrious and Glorious Doctor Kim Jong Un, in his infinite mercy and compassion, wishes them to surrender themselves, rather than be crushed under his fantastically manicured hoof?"

This time the incredibly graceful and dignified alicorn princess was unable to suppress a loud snort. Both Kim Jong Un and his near-suicidal translator stopped what they were screaming and mumbling, respectively. Two sets of eyes locked with Celestia's. This time there was no delay between translator and dictator. "Did you just-"

"Fail to muffle a sneeze? I'm afraid so. I appear to have caught a bit of a cold," the princess said, her immaculate poker face slipping firmly back into place.

Kim Jong Un muttered something along the lines of "inferiro alicorn immune system" under his breath, something Celestia was able to discern because his translator decided to translate that as well to Celestia, a fact that the dictator acknowledged with another murderous glare.

Clearing her throat once again, the alicorn offered her rebuttal. "I'm afraid, Mr. Jo-"

"The Illustrious and-"

"Yes, yes, that," Celestia cut him off through gritted teeth before once again making her face impassive. "Anyway, I am simply unable to surrender my entire country without evidence of your... impressive claims, and until you can provide some, I am afraid that our business together is concluded."

When his translator finished, the look on Kim Jon Un's face was one of the utmost shock. The translator, however, had not altered his expression once in the last four hours, thirteen minutes, and forty-two seconds, when he accidentally spilled some of his coffee on himself. As Celestia waited patiently for an answer, the dictator's expression morphed into one of barely controlled rage and indignance. He barked something at his translator.

"The Illustrious and Glorious Dr. Kim Jong Un hopes for your sake that you soon see the error of your ways and- look, Princess, this idiot is only here because he's getting really desperate. Just keep shutting down his retarded claims and pretty soon some random assassin will take him out. I'm really sorry we've wasted so much of your time."

Princess Celestia simply offered a serene smile, her only genuine one since the start of the meeting, in response to the translator's break of character. She kept this smile in place until the doors to her throne room slammed shut. Then the princess immediately cast a soundproofing spell on the doors and windows before sliding out of her throne and onto her back in the floor.

"Oh thank FAUST that fat bastard's gone!" she shouted while kicking her legs and giggling in a most decidedly unprincesslike manner.

The unnecessarily large doors to Princess Celestia's throne room slammed shut. The booming noise they made was enough to drown out Kim Jong Un's incessant mutterings for one blessed second, but the dictator's ire was audible once again a moment later. His translator plodded along, much preferring the company of his own morbid thoughts to the deranged ramblings of his unhinged leader. That is, of course, until he was addressed directly in the two ponies' native language.

"It is clear to me, as it must be to you as well, that you did not adequately convey my conviction and glory through your inferior efforts of translation. Because of this, I have decided that you will be put to death immediately upon our return to North Koreina. I will allow you the time until then to reflect on your mistakes and gross inferiority."

As Kim Jong Un waddled off further down the hallway, his translator just sighed and fell into step behind him. He had been expecting this the moment he took this job a month ago, but it had been worth it to get out of his plothole of a country, at least for a little while. He watched his leader ponderously lumbering down the hall, weighing the pros and cons of speaking out and dying sooner, or waiting and dying later. Then he noticed the floor-to-ceiling stained glass windows lining either side of the hallway.

He looked back to his leader as a very sinister grin crossed his face, breaking its usual monotony.

One Week Later

Princess Celestia stood on her balcony, a contented smile on her muzzle as she lowered the sun for the evening. As she finished nudging her charge below the horizon, she cast her gaze over to her sister's tower, where Luna was just beginning to raise the moon and usher in her night. Grinning wider, the solar princess turned away from her sister's sister tower (classic comedy right there) and returned to her chambers, flopping onto her princess-sized bed (even more hilarity) in a manner more akin to a teenager than the incalculably old co-ruler of an entire country.

As Celestia stretched out, tossing her regalia to the other side of the room and ignoring the loud clatter it made, she enjoyed the lingering warmth of late evening until her sister finished raising the moon. After relaxing for a few more moments, the solar princess sat up again, locking her eyes on a certain patch of shadow on her wall. "Lulu, you know you can't sneak up on me," she said to the darkness.

The shadows that the alicorn had been observing molded themselves into the shape of her sister, and Luna, also shod of her regalia, stepped forward. "You keep telling yourself that, TIa. Maybe I just let you sense me."

"I highly doubt that," Celestia answered, giggling.

Luna began to laugh lightly as well, before abruptly changing the subject. "So how are the renovations outside your throne room going?" she asked, a knowing grin crossing her muzzle.

Her sister returned the smile. "They are progressing well, though it was a shame that Mr. Jong had his unfortunate accident. That particular window was one of my favorites."

Luna's laughter became a loud guffaw as she lightly hit Celestia. "You are awful, sister."

The white alicorn's expression became grave. "Do not expect me to have any sympathy for that particular pony, Lulu. He was responsible for the deaths of countless ponies under his rule, and he deserved much worse than the fate he received." Her grave face was quickly replaced with one of happiness. "However, that is now in the past. I hear that North Koreina is under new leadership now. Apparently Kim Jong Un's former translator was quite the public speaker and managed to take power. I am quite curious as to the direction he will now take the country."

"Really?" the lunar princess questioned. "And who is this former translator?"

"I believe his name was something along the lines of Joseph Stallion."

Author's Note

DUN DUN DUN!

Kidding. I'm sure Mr. Stallion will only have the ponies' best interests at heart.
So this was stupid... I don't really know what else to say down here other than boredom is a powerful force.

Also, for those of you screaming at your computers right now, yes, I know that Joseph Stalin has not lived in the time that Kim Jong Un has been alive, nor has little to no connection with North Korea as a whole. It was a stupid joke that wasn't all that funny to begin with.