A Weird Life

If you had ever asked Scott before his arrival in Equestria if he would've liked to be a farmer, his answer would have been a resounding 'no'. If you asked that question again after his time in Equestria his answer would be a hate-filled, punch to your face. Farming didn't appeal to Scott when it involved huge-ass machines that could pull the Moon out of orbit or rolling processing plants the size of a house that harvested, shucked, and ground up the chaff of an entire field in an afternoon. Farming in the technological ass-backward hell of Equestria was adding injury to insult.

You would never guess, but there were things like tractors, heavy equipment, tanks, and motorized transport in Equestria. The catch was that everything was powered one of two ways: steam engine or magic motor. For instance a steam-powered tractor required metal construction that threw the price through the roof while also being large, cumbersome monstrosities usually about the size of a train. Magic motors could be cheap, but if they were, they lacked the power to be useful on a farm. Magic motors also were notoriously brittle, and you needed a unicorn who knew the recharge spell, which would be needed every one or two hours. Basically, only a company or governments could make use of magic motors beyond a novelty use, like a parade float.

This had all been explained to Scott, but it did little to mitigate his irritation, like being told why you don't have any water to drink while in a desert. Logically you understand, though that doesn't make you any less pissed you can't have water. What Scott wouldn't do for a simple lawn tractor.

“The first thing I'm doing when I get home is hugging a goddamn internal combustion engine,” Scott mused. Sweat dropped from his nose as he pulled four two-wheeled carts, full of apples. The straps were tied up around Scott's waist. He glanced to the right at Big McIntosh when he noticed something off about the draft pony's walk.

“Are- Are you prancing?” asked Scott in disbelief.

“Eeeenope,” Big Mac said. Sure enough, he was prancing.

Scott looked behind the pony to see eight fully loaded carts, to which he groaned while looking back ahead. “I hate you so much right now.” Scott huffed and wiped a bit of sweat from his brow before it made the journey to the corner of his eye.. “I hope these trees all get cancer.”

“Hey now, watch what ya say. Words have power ya know,” said Mac, as he brought his prancing to a halt.

“You know what else has power? A diesel engine,” Scott said without missing a beat. “How the hell y'all figured out video games and skyscrapers but not internal combustion is just beyond me.”

“If'n ya did more honest work without all them fancy machines, ya'd have an easier time of this,” Mac said in his usual impassive tone.

In the ultimate show of maturity, Scott rattled off a mocking rendition of Big Mac's statement to just the sounds of nugh's and nee's in a disgusted tone. “That's what you sound like.”

Big Mac just chuckled. Verbal banter with Scott reminded Big Mac of a navy captain from a hundred or so years ago he had read about once. The captain’s ship lost a fierce battle with an enemy vessel. As the ship began to sink the enemy saluted, to which the captain returned the pony equivalent of the middle finger. Scott was just like that: he may lose the battle, but he always squeezed in one last 'fuck you' before the end.

The two emerged from the tree line to see the barn just a football field away. Scott was elated as he sighed in relief, while Big Mac was indifferent as always. Scott may have been in pretty decent shape when he arrived, however farm work is still farm work, and someone who is in shape from working out is just not going to hold a candle to someone who has done manual labor since being a foul.

After covering the distance to the barn, the two pulled their carts to the side of the barn, where they began to slip out of the straps of the carts. Finally free from the accursed carts, Scott heaved a sigh of relief. “So what're we doing after lunch?” asked Scott as he stood with arms crossed, waiting for the pony to un-strap himself. “Hands rule,” he mused.

“Well—” Mac paused to think for a moment. “—we got these here apple carts ta sort for storage,” said Big Mac while moving to Scott, having exited the straps.

“Most of these are probably cookin' apples,” Mac muttered. Mac tapped his chin in thought as he gazed at the ground with a furrowed brow; he couldn't help feel he was forgetting something.

"The cows." If the farmer had fingers, he would have snapped them. Instead he settled for a clop when he smacked his hoof on the ground. "We gotta take a new round bale of hay in ta them."

Scott looked over at the cows as they both started for the kitchen; the cows were dumbly chewing their cuds with blank, soulless eyes. Scott smiled with a silent laugh as a memory shot to the surface of his mind.

“Care ta share?” Big McIntosh raised a brow as he asked.

“Well I just remembered. The first few weeks I got here I thought the cows you guys have could talk and think,” Scott said. When Scott turned from the cows to look at Mac though, his smile faded.

The pony looked at Scott with narrow-eyed confusion and disbelief, as if Scott had just took flight by squatting and farting off into the sky.

“What?” asked Scott as if he had no idea what was going on. “Don't look at me like that. Your world is full of things that don't talk in my world.”

Big Mac stayed silent for a moment. “So, ya thought that the cows that we keep pinned up, outside, and herded around by bumping, shoving, chasin' with the dog, and ropin' just like an animal. Were intelligent like you 'n me?” Mac asked with a raised brow. Mac spoke slowly, which is really saying something, to make sure his point was driven home.

“Well, when you put it that way...” Scott trailed off as he rubbed the back of his head.

“So ya just thought we owned slaves or sumthing?” asked Mac with a furrowed brow.

“Okay, you made your point. Don't get your panties in a twist, yesh. Sorry I said anything.” Scott grumbled.

“Ya' figured it out though, right?” asked Mac with mock concern, as though he were speaking to a small child.

“Yes. I figured it out.”

“Ah'd just be glad ya didn't say that around AJ. Could ya imagine how awful it'd be if AJ ever knew ya thought that?” he asked with a smirk, and a knowing look.

“Why, yes, Big Mac, that would be awful. The loss of a brother is never pleasant,” Scott said.

Entering the kitchen Big Mac chuckled at another of the human's dime-a-dozen, empty threats. The Apples had figured out fairly quickly that, short of life or death situations, Scott was harmless, and his empty threats were nothing more than playful banter.

Big Mac and Scott sat down at the kitchen table, where Granny Smith had already laid out their meals on opposite sides of the table. Big Macintosh had peas, carrots, hayfries, mashed potatoes, and a salad. Scott had a couple PB&J's and mashed potatoes. Scott's food options in this world were few. The griffins ate meat, so it was possible to get some, it simply cost more than the Apples could afford.

Scott sat looking at his meal with an unreadable face, before he took a noticeable breath, held it for a moment, and then slowly exhaled.

“What's the matter, good lookin'?” asked Granny Smith. She carried, balanced on her back, a tray with a couple glasses of apple juice. “Somethin’s gotcha britches in a bunch?”

Scott didn't respond to the elderly mare's question. Instead he simply picked up a sandwich and took a bite.

Leaning forward, Granny Smith scrutinized him with narrowed eyes before leaning back slightly with a knowing grin spread across her muzzle.

“It's a mare izn't?” she asked.

Scott furrowed his brow, then snapped his head to face the elderly mare. “Wait, what? No. What?” he asked, trying desperately to restart his brain. “No, I'm just tired of eating the same damn thing. The hell are you talking about, old woman?”

“You're not?” she asked. “Well hot diggity, Ah still got a chance.”

“What,” Scott said. Big Mac froze med-chew as well to stare at her.

“What nothin'. Ah' may be gettin' on in years, but Ah'm still a mare, and mares got's needs.” Granny stated matter of factly, as way of explaining. “Ah may not be as easy on the eyes as sum o' those young fillies bouncing around, but Ah gots somthin' they don't: experience.” She finished off with a wink at Scott.

“Uh. Granny?” Big Mac hesitantly broached the conversation.

Shooting Mac a glare, she waved a hoof in a shooing motion as she said, “Hush up young'n, your granny's trying ta score.”

Twilight Sparkle and Rarity strolled through the, relatively speaking, hustle and bustle of the Ponyville market. Farmers from the surrounding countryside and their carts dotted the thoroughfare, among the more permanent colorful medieval tents and stands. Ponies, young and old, milled about per-viewing wears and chatting with friends. The whole thing had a renaissance fair feel to it. Albeit a boring one, what with the depressing lack of flagons of mead, greasy chicken, and drunk community-theatre rejects who refuse to break character.

“Aw, gross.”

“Something the matter, Twilight?” Rarity asked over the shoulder.

“Oh, somepony threw gum on the ground and I just stepped in it,” Twilight said. She looked at one of her hind hooves.

Rarity grimaced at her friend's misfortune. While she began to look around for a stick to remove the offending piece of foodstuff, she was distracted by a familiar voice calling their names.

“Rarity! Twilight!” Applejack waved the two over from behind her market cart a good hundred feet away. A pony stood in line while another was waited on by AJ, the last of the lunch hour rush.

Abandoning Twilight to her sticky fate, Rarity made her way over to AJ's fruit stand. The glamorous pony didn't so much walk the distance as glide the distance. Daintily trotting at just the right rhythm to cause her purple styled mane and tail to bounce just so. Swaying her hips just enough be alluring but not seductive. Her head held just high enough to give her an air of sophistication without looking snobby. What really set it off was that it was all obviously so natural, something that she didn't have to try at to obtain. It reminded all stallions that this was an extremely high maintenance mare. A warning that was not unfounded.

Rarity reached Applejack just as the farmer was in the middle of the last pony's sale. As Rarity approached, the mare buying AJ's produce raised her forehoof to Rarity's face.

“In a minute,” said Bon Bon, her statement clipped and dry as the cream-colored earth pony mare continued to grace Applejack with an apathetic stare.

“I beg your pardon,” said Rarity. She raised a forehoof in defence and edged back at the mare's abruptness.

“These apples aren't three bit quality; I'll give you two bits an apple.” Bon Bon continued to haggle while ignoring Rarity. Rarity was about to speak up when she noticed Applejack's strained smile.

“Bon Bon, Ah can't do it, Ah said. Ah already let ya bet me down on the pie an' drinks,” she said, the obvious end of Applejack's patience nearing. Bon Bon was about to counter just as Twilight arrived.

“Applejack did yo-” was as far as the Twilight got.

“Ugh! Rude much?” Twilight mirrored Rarity at Bon Bon's sudden outburst. “I'm just trying to get some damn food without a bunch of ponies yammering on about whatever,” Bon Bon spat as she glared daggers at the newcomers. Sensing that whatever haggling momentum she'd built had been lost, Bon Bon placed six bits on the cart with a smack. Bon Bon grabbed the two apples and stomped off, leaving the three friends to stare after her in silence as she left.

“Who was that?” asked Twilight.

“Bon Bon,” said Rarity.

“Lyra's friend?” asked Twilight with disbelief. “Is she always like that?”

“If ya mean a first-class bitch. Then, yeah,” said Applejack.

“I just can't understand what Berry Punch sees in her,” said Rarity, with a slow shake of her head.

“I didn't know Berry had a special-somepony,” said Twilight.

Applejack could see where this conversion was heading. With the subtlety of a demolition team, she made a point to change the subject. She pointed out the other two's saddlebags, and asked, “Whatch' y'all got there?” .

“Oh, just some things for tonight.” with a glow of her horn, Twilight levitated out a couple bottles of tequila.

“I simply can't believe I let you talk me into getting us— ugh, tequila— over a nice merlot,” said Rarity, scrunching her muzzle in distaste as she whined out the name of the south-western drink.

“I like it,” Twilight said, a tad defensive.

“Who'da thought our little Twi was a tequila girl,” said Applejack as she playfully nudged Twilight with an elbow. Rarity held a hoof in front of her muzzle as she chuckled.

With a sigh, Twilight fixed Applejack with a flat look. “Was there something you needed, Applejack?”

“Well, it's not so much me as our guest. Wanted me ta ask ya, Rarity, if'n it'd be alright ta stop by later for sum new clothes,” she said. At the mention of Scott, the group's cheerful demeanour vanished like a puff of smoke.

“Oh,” Twilight said. While a simple response, the meaning behind it was anything but. They all were trying to keep Scott's arrival quiet for as long as possible. That left Twilight Sparkle as the only one who could possibly return him home. That responsibility weighed heavily on the natural worry-wart's mind.

“How's the dear doing?” asked Rarity. Rarity was much like the rest of her friends when it came to Scott while they were sympathetic, they just weren't that involved. She didn't have the Apple's constant contact or the burden of responsibility that Twilight had.

Applejack shrugged. “Ya know how he is, just doesn't tell anypony wha's goin' on in that noggin' o' his,” she said. Applejack looked down and pawed at the ground. “How close do ya think ya are ta gettin' 'em home, Twi?”

“Well, I'm still working on tracking down where he is from,” said Twilight. Rarity perked her ears in Twilight's direction.

“Don't worry, Twilight, I'm sure you'll figure it out.” Rarity's attitude pulled an one-hundred-and-eighty-degree spin as she graced Twilight with a reassuring smile and wrapped a foreleg over her shoulder. “No, Applejack, I don't mind at all. When would you like to stop over?”

Applejack furrowed her brow and she ran through a mental list of things left to do and an approximation of their time. Twilight was sorely tempted to launch into a lecture on the virtues of lists and why they were important as they waited. “Four o'clock sound alright?”

“That sounds fine,” said Rarity. Rarity regarded Twilight with a warm smile as she turned to face her. “Twilight, you should swing by as well, seeing some friendly faces would do Scott some good I imagine.”

“I suppose... There is something I read about the other day I'd like to try,” said Twilight, her confidence entering with each word.

“So it's set then. Applejack, tell him we look forward to seeing him at four o'clock.” With that, Rarity ushered Twilight off, leaving Applejack to continue manning her market cart.

As Applejack waved goodbye, she couldn't help but feel that Rarity had hurried Twilight and herself off. “Aw, well. Probably not important.” She shrugged and gather up Bon Bon's bits.

“Now then what didn't you want to say to Applejack about our tall visitor, hmm?” asked Rarity when she was sure they were out of ear shot; ever the gossip, she just couldn't resist.

Taken aback, Twilight snapped her gaze to Rarity.

Rarity simply smirked and playfully rolled her eyes at her friend's reaction. “Twilight, you don't spend as much time around high society as me without being able to spot a pony who's holding something back.” Rarity answered the unasked question with no small hint of pride. Twilight sighed in defeat. She stared forlornly at the ground passing beneath her hooves while she walked, seconds ticking by.

“I think Scott is telling the truth about where he's from,” Twilight said, her words heavy.

Rarity came to an absolute stand still, barely able to prevent her mouth from gaping in shock—that would be most unladylike. In the silence that preceded you could have heard a pin drop on carpet. “Darling, you don't mean to tell me this whole time...”

“Oh, come on, Rarity.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “What do you think was more likely: That Scott got here from another dimension through some unknown method by accident, or that he got here by some undiscovered-race-on-Equus's teleportation spell?” she asked. She was not going to feel silly for having looked at all this logically.

“It’s just, well... none of us have ever seen anything that looks like... him.”

“Just because no pony has ever seen his kind doesn't mean a whole lot. Just last month a kingdom of elks was discovered on the west continent isles. No pony has ever seen them before,” she said. “Besides, he shows up from a different plane of existence and just happens to speak perfect equus?”

“I suppose I can see your point.” Rarity raised a hoof to her chin as she stared pensively at the ground. “But, darling, why would it matter if you believe him now? I mean, it’s not like you spent this whole time, just trying to prove he’s from here.” Twilight wouldn't meet Rarity’s eyes. “Right?”

“Well….” Twilight rubbed the back of her head.

“Twilight!”

“It’s not my fault! If he is telling the truth!” Twilight sighed “He can't get home. It’s impossible.”

“But… surely Princess Cel-”

“The Princesses aren't all-powerful or all-knowing, Rarity. The field of study needed to even think about getting him home doesn't even exist. There are only a couple theories as to the possibilities of other dimensions at best, and absolutely zero on dimensional travel.”

The two stood lost in their own thoughts, not sure what to say next. Rarity could see now why Twilight held back this information from Applejack; she would never have been able to keep this from Scott. Meanwhile, Twilight didn't relish the chance to tell him he was well and truly boned. The time in silence between the two stretched well into the 'uncomfortable' amount.

“When are you going to tell him?” asked Rarity quietly.

“I wasn't lying about what I told AJ. A new mind scan spell I read about and a blood sample should finally put to rest whether he is from here... or not.”

Rarity simply nodded as a sign of understanding. The two started off for Twilight's house, though with less pep than before. As they rounded a street corner, the home came into view. Being the home of the newest princess, as well as the town library made into a living tree, it was the closest thing to a landmark the little town had.

“Twilight?” airily asked Rarity. Her eyes focused on some distant point, clearly lost in thought. Twilight tuned to listen to her friend.

“I just had a thought.”

“What's that?”

“Do you think Scott and Applejack have been...” she rolled her forehoof as she searched for a more delicate word than 'fucking,' “together?”

Twilight nearly fell on her face. “Oh my god, Rarity, are you serious right now? Yes, I'm sure.”

“What? I think it'd be romantic: An alien visitor stranded on a foreign world who's taught how to feel and love by the care and simple ways of a farm mare,” said Rarity. She slowed her pace and began to stare dreamily off into the distance.

“That's it. I'm not lending you any more of those trashy sci-fi romance novels. They're ruining your mind,” said Twilight dryly. Rarity humphed in response and raised her nose to the air. Having reached the tree home, Twilight moved to the front door.

“No reason to be catty about it,” said Rarity. Coming to a stop, Twilight winced at the comment.

“I'm sorry, Rarity, it's just I have a lot on my mind right now, and worrying about who's fucking whom isn't something I can care about right now,” she said. Twilight's friends had learned over the years that her foul mouth was a clear sign that she was over-stressed or over-thinking. Rarity opened her mouth to say something, but Twilight was on a roll. “I've got six minor laws the Princesses want me to go over. Princess Luna asked me to join during her Night Court to help me learn the ropes. The Mayor has been leaning more and more on me to see about increasing the town's budget,” she said. The odd strand of Twilight's mane was beginning to stick out here and there and she was rambling at a quicker and quicker pace. Rarity knew she needed to head this off before her friend got too carried away.

“Twilight, I-”

“Then there's Scott and the fucking mess that's undoubtedly going to turn into. What's he going to say when he finds out he isn't going home?”

“I don't kn-”

“Is he going to get violent?”

“I'm sure he w-”

“You saw what he did to Rainbow Dash!” exclaimed Twilight. She was in full on panic mode; she stood on her hindhooves and smooshed Rarity's cheeks between both her hooves, her face a mere inch from Rarity's.

Rarity considered attempting a reply, though in the end she settled for simply hanging limply in Twilight's hooves with a scowl.

“What about Princess Celestia?” Twilight asked. She suddenly released Rarity, catching her completely off-guard. Rarity cried out a small 'eep' before her face greeted the ground with a thud. “If she finds out I've been keeping an alien secret—” Twilight gasped. “—she might say I'm not ready to be a princess! What if she takes my wings?!”

Turning her head up, Rarity fully intended to give the panicking princess a piece of her mind. However, at the sight of Twilight's crazy-eyes and the raggedy mess of her mane and tail, Rarity shrank back into herself like a little foal.

“Well she can't have them. They're mine I tell you, mine!” exclaimed Twilight, clutching one of her wings.

The two remanded frozen in place when Rarity began to cautiously look side to side, as the realization that this had all taken place in front of Twilight's home started to take root. Sure enough, standing off to the sides, a few ponies were focused on the little scene unfolding before them. Some obviously were just looking for a chance to be the forebears of the latest gossip with eager, almost hungry, eyes as they leaned forward. Others clearly remembered certain past events involving a certain purple unicorn who was now an alicorn. Those ponies looked ready to bolt at the slightest provocation.

“Twilight, darling. Remember what Cadance taught you?” asked Rarity as she tentatively stood to address Twilight.

A couple rapid blinks and Twilight lost the manic look in her eyes. She brought a forehoof to her chest, took a deep breath, then swept her forehoof out and exhaled. Looking noticeably calmer, Twilight smiled meekly at Rarity. The gossip ponies simply frowned at the loss of juicy substance, while the panic ponies sighed in relief before they all meandered away to continue whatever they had been doing in the first place.

“Relax, darling, I'm sure it'll all work out. Scott doesn't seem the kind to hold a grudge if my judge of character is anything to go by,” said Rarity calmly. Twilight simply nodded with a small smile, still embarrassed at having let herself get worked up again.

“Let's go inside. Some nice soothing tea will help calm those nerves,” said Rarity, returning to her old self. She ushered Twilight inside the tree home. The two walked to the kitchen where Twilight placed the tequila bottles in a cupboard, while Rarity started making ice tea.

With the tea ready, Rarity and Twilight sat down at the table with their drinks, to begin the time honored tradition among women across the multiverse: mindless-chit-chat. They talked of pop culture, the weather schedule, fashion, and other inane subjects as they drained their glasses.