Completely and Totally Prepared
Discord enjoyed his time spent in Canterlot castle. He honestly did. He especially liked the view from the high-tower. From there, you could see all the boring stuck-up little ponies scurrying about the cultured city. He hadn't found a place so relaxing as he did here. He laid casually in a hammock, clad in a floral button down shirt, glamorous sunglasses, and sipping chocolate milk from a coconut. Yes, this truly was the life.
"DISCOOOORD!!!"
"Well, let's go see what she wants," he thought to himself lackadaisically. He couldn't hold back a wry grin before he snapped a talon and vanished into thin air.
Princess Celestia paced furiously in her throne room. She could put up with a lot of things. She could handle insults, demands from another country threatening to wage war, and snobbish nobles who couldn't be bothered to have less money. Yet, if there was one thing in this world that cold drive her over the edge, it was Discord... who appeared in a flash, still wearing his tacky vacation apparel.
"You called?" he said in an innocent voice.
"Drop the act," Celestia groaned. She rubbed her temple and took a long, deep breath. "I shouldn't get this angry," she thought to herself. "Calm, peace, serenity, unity, harmon-"
Her calming thoughts were interrupted by Discord taking a long slurp from his drink. "3... 2... 1..." He counted down in his head.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Celestia erupted as her anger was finally exploded. Discord feigned being knocked back by her rage-fueled outburst flying backwards a few feet.
"Well, I guess that was an example of an erratic solar storm," he commented brushing himself off.
"Oh, shut up," she growled. Her royal façade, carefully mastered and honed from a thousand years of practice was shattered in a single instant. "I only have one question for you, and there is no way, not a single way in tartarus you can talk your way out of this."
"Dear Tia, wha-"
Sh-Shst!" she silenced. "I'm not done talking. Not by a long shot..." She took a few hostile steps towards the Draconequus. "I don't care that your reformed. I don't care, that you are the spirit of chaos. I don't even care that you call me Princess Sunbutt of the Banana Republic in front of foreign ambassadors. I don't even care that you put poison joke in my shampoo!" Her head was lowered and leering straight through Discord. "What I do care about," she said in a yelled whisper. "What I care about in this world more than anything, are my little ponies."
"This includes my sister, my student and everypony in this entire nation," she stated forehead to forehead with Discord. "And I'll be damned before I let anything harm them." She paused letting the words sink in. "So, I ask you now, Discord..." She drew back and stood at full height with wins flared and in a booming voice that would've made Luna proud, asked, "WHY IN THE MOTHERBUCKING WORLD OF EQUESTRIA WOULD YOU TRAP MY ENTIRE MILITARY DIVISION IN GIANT CUBES OF GELLATIN?!"
There was a long pause between the two as Celestia panted heavily from her sudden use of the Royal Canterlotian Voice. Her entire body was wracked in over exertion.
"Can I speak now?" Discord asked in what he hoped was an innocent tone.
"Y-yes..." she breathed out quickly realizing her mistake.
"Oh, dear Tia, whatever do you mean?" he asked dramatically causing Celestia to glare daggers. I mean, yes, I do admit to putting them jello, er..." he paused and scratched his beard. "Or was it giant slime cubes?"
Celestias eyes shot wide open in alarm. Brief images of her guard's armor floating in giant green cubes, completely digested, flashed through her mind. The hamming draconequus saw this andcouldn't help to push the act to the next level.
"I just felt so bad for our boys, always working to protect the entirety of Equestria and it's citizens day and night," he said in aquivering voice. "I-I only wanted t-to give them a nice refreshment in their lives!" Just like that, he burst into fake-tears. After a while, his eyes drifted up to see Celestia's expression It was a cross between regret, distrust, disappointment, and pity.
And that was all Discord could take.
He suddenly burst out in raucous and uncontrollable laughter. He soon fell onto the floor and began rolling around in his fit. Meanwhile, Celestia just began to realize what exactly he had done just as the door to the throne room opened.
"Sister? I had just felt the entire castle shaking and-" she paused when she saw her sister trembling and foaming at the mouth. Quickly, she grabbed her sister and restrained her. "No, sister. He is not worthy. It will only make stronger!" she tried reasoning with her elder sibling while attempting to prevent her from killing the spirit of chaos.
"Come on, Luna, I just want to tear off his head, just give me that, please, sister," she argued flailing her hooves at Discord still laughing on the floor.
"Ah... Priceless!" he said wiping a tear fro his eye. There was a small poof in front of his face followed by a squeal.
"SQUEEEEE!!!" Squealed a winged hog carrying a scroll. Discord took the scroll form his mouth as it disappeared in a shriek. His eyes skimmed the message and his face grew pale, then terrified.
To my most distinguished twin brother,
Hello! I haven't seen you in a while. I must say how time flies when one throws their clock out the window and watches how it shatters against the ground, but enough about my hobbies. How are you? I hope it's well. If it isn't, it soon will be. This message is to inform you that I will be coming over to your neck of the woods and planting a few bonsai saplings around you jugular vein. Yes, that's right. I'm taking a holiday, and I hope it's "National Buy-a-Musical-Instrument Day" because I've been itching to buy a new set of bagpipes. I thin I'll come visit you soon, probably in the very immediate future. Also, if you do not reply when this is sent out, then I will assume that you are completely and utterly prepared for my arrival. On the off chance that my delivery swine has not gotten to you in time, I have sent a reminder message as well.
Seeing you soon,
Your Twin
P.S. Do you know why a raven is like a writing desk?
Discord stood straight up and drowned out the background noise of the pony sisters. He burned the letter in a roar of flames and snapped his fingers getting rid of his vacation wear.
"Oh, please, oh, please, be late..." he mumbled to himself while his mind scrambled for a nice place to hide.
Then, another flying pig appeared with yet another scroll. Het took this one and read the short message.
Dear Brother,
I will be arriving in one minute.
Your twin brother.
"Oh, no..." Discord groaned. As if on cue, the entire room began to violently shake and shudder. This caught the sisters attention and immediately, both looked to the only one they knew of that could do such a thing.
"Discord! What hast thou done?!" Luna shouted in vain over the quaking room. All eyes were drawn to the center as a massive sphere of green energy blinked into existence. It pulsated once as it took shape. The green light became darker and became stripes, parallel to one another It still retained its spherical shape, and drifted down towards the floor. A rod materialized during it's descent that was bright red with a thicker yet shorter one intersecting it. If neither sister didn't know any better, they'd say that the apparition resembled a watermelon and giant mallet. As soon as the fruity sphere touched the ground, the mallet, drew itself back dramatically and painstakingly slow. It stopped when it was but mere centimeters from the marble floor.
Suddenly, the trembling stopped, the light had dissipated from the melon and the mallet hung silently in the air. All was completely quiet.
Then, in a quick moment, the hammer snapped forward in a large arc and fell hard against the watermelon, splattering it's red juices everywhere. There was not a single color other the red that had coated the room.
Shortly after, came a light poof and the appearance of a draconequus in a top hat adorned with a single crimson feather holding the scarlet mallet like one would hold a cane. He smiled and sang out quite clearly,
"Good~ eve~ning~ friends~!"
