Make me your mare!

by MidnightFMare

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Other, Sex, Big Macintosh, Random, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Romance, Original Character
Length: 8037

smarty pants loves big mac, but being a doll doesn't help matters, so when an impossible cat (That's me!) gives her a body, she will have him all to herself... that is if she can figure out what she feels

Smarty pants loves big mac
But being a doll doesn't help matters
So when an impossible cat (That's me!) gives her a body, she will have him all to herself...
That is if she can figure out what she feels
a pov inspired by get stuffed! by rust
and in my alternate universe (Which still needs a name....)

Published 2014-04-16 18:40:03 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-19 18:47:10 UTC

Chapter one: Baby steps

POV: Smartypants

It is a warm (at least I think it's warm, Big Mac said it is) day, as usual, Big Mac is carrying me on his shoulder harness while he talks about anything (I like listening to him talk) and I listen

A pony who I think is named Midnight is walking towards us with a white mare with a bow in her hair

"Good morning Midnight" BigMac says, startling the white mare next to him

"He won't step on your tail Opal" he says, and upon second glance, she looks like the fashionista's cat

"'Opal'?" Big Mac rumbles, raising an eyebrow "As in, Rarity's cat?"

"Yep! I can turn anything with a spirit into a pony" he says, puffing out his chest

Could he turn me into a pony?!

"Quite possibly. And now your doll will wonder if I can hear her" he says, looking at me

You can't possibly hear me

"But I can hear you" he raises an eyebrow "And now you are going to wonder how this possible"

How is this possib- Oh

"Yes, 'Oh' indeed, Well from a non-subjective, non-linear point of view, possibility is kind of like a slot machine within a deck of cards on a coin of wibbly-wobbly chancey-wancey... stuff" he pauses and starts to pantomime what he is saying

That doesn't make any sense

"Yeah, Past, sideways and future tense are always hard to explain"

Why would you even turn me into a pony?

"Look to your left" he replies

To my left is big mac, not really following the one-sided conversation

"Shall we begin?" he asks, picking me up and removing his hat, and a sharp horn juts out of his forehead.

Yes

He traces a circle on the ground and writes some weird symbols around it. He places me in the center and focuses, his horn glowing dark magenta when a bright, white-silver beam of light erupts around me, a shifting prism of lights* surround me

As the lights fade I see Big Mac looking at me

"Ponification complete" Midnight says before trotting off, replacing his hat on his head

"Wha-" I say, putting my hooves over my mouth "Ah-bah! Bleh! Splank-threble-dibble-gah! I... I can speak! I have hooves! I can wa-OOF!" I trip over my hooves "So this is pain!" Not sure I like it

"Ms?" I hear Big Mac bellow "Need some help?"

I put my hoof on his and feel the hard, calloused hooves that so gently carried me all this time "Th-thank you Big Macintosh" when he removes his hoof I colapse again "Owww..."

"Are ya okay?!" he asks, lifting me up

"Y-yeah... just not used to walking yet" I reply, putting one of my forelegs over his neck

We walk for a while (Well, he walks, I just hobble along)

"Ah don' think Ah ever gave you a name..." he says suddenly, blushing (I can tell when he does)

"Smartypants... But I don't know what happened to my pants**... I guess I'm just Smarty" I reply, suddenly feeling naked without them

"Hmm... How about Smarty Patch***?" he nods to my rear and I turn my neck to see a polka-dot square on my flanks

"(Gasp!) I have a cutie mark?! How neat is tha-Oof!" I start to cheer when I fall on my face again "Walking is mmph-hard" I mutter

He chuckles and picks me up gently, when a warmth spreads over my face. So this is what it feels like to blush... it feels... weird

Watching my confused steps he chuckles "How about we work on it?" he slows down and let's me lead

This could a while...

But Big Mac is patient

____________________________________________

"We made it!" I cheer, throwing a hoof in the air

"An' yer' standin'!" Big Mac says, grinning

"I am? I am! Wahoo!" I raise a hind leg and do a victory dance

"What in tarnation is goin' on out here?!" a voice yells, making me pause

"Hey AJ" Big Mac says, meeting his younger sisters' gaze

"Well," She smirks "So that is what y'all did with yer' day off! Out with yer' new marefriend! Wait'll granny hears about this!"

"M-marefriend?! No! We're friends, but I don't think that I am worthy of him... or old enough... I'm more like his confidant" I say, shaking my head

"Ah'm just Jokin'! Yall're good... Though you remind me an awful lot of that doll Twi enchanted a few months ago" she seems to think about it then shrugs

"So, are ya'll hungry?" she asks, trotting to the kitchen

"I don't know what 'hungry' feels li-(Grumbling)" a weird sound comes from my chest and Applejack chuckles from the kitchen "Ah'll take that as A 'yes'"

____________________________________________

"So this is what eating is like... I was wrong, it isn't boring" I mutter, AJ giving me a confused look before trotting off to the fields

After a few minutes a strange heavyness overcomes me "Wha's wron' with me?" I yawn, everything going blurry

"Sleepiness Ah'm guessin'. Let's get you to bed" Big Mac says, throwing me over his shoulder

"Buh ah don' wanna sleep~ wanna talk with you~" I whimper between yawns

"Eenope. Tomorrow" he lays me on his bed and turns to leave

"Noooo~ Slee' here..." I whimper, before he sighs and lays down next to me

"Goo' night Mac~" I yawn

"Good night Smarty Patch"

Author's Note

* like the Virtual solid system from yu-gi-oh
** I have them, they appeared to have an elemental spirit within
*** Time to think of it taken: 30 minutes

Chapter two: meet the friends

POV: Big Mac

I wake up in my bed like I usually do and turn to look at my bed side table "Ms. Smartypants, Ah had the strangest dream. You were a pony an-" My eyes widen in shock as Ms. Smartypants is gone from her usual spot. I whip my head around my room in search of her when somepony whimpers "Don' move... yer' warm..."

I look on my back and on it is Smarty Patch, snuggling my shoulder.

Guess she isn't an early riser like me

I lay back down, and she slides off my back and to my side, nuzzling me in her sleep "Mmmpphh~ Big Mac~"

Maybe I'll sleep in...

"UP AN' AT EM!!" AJ yells, slamming a spoon against a pot

"Whoa!" I shoot up, and Smarty jumps away, landing on the floor "Don' Barge into mah room!" I yell, lifting Smarty off the floor.

"You sound like a filly caught with a hoof between her legs. It's ten in the morning an' mah friends are visiting. Apparently Pinkie caught wind of your friend and wants to meet her. Ah can't even understand why the others are here but..." she shrugs "An' ah wanted to get first dibs raggin' on ya" She trots out the door chuckling.

"... Ten in the morning?" I mutter when Smarty taps my shoulder "Uh... Big Mac? Where is the bathroom?"

"Down the hall, to the left." she nods and scrambles out of my room.

Guess ridin' on my shoulder when ah work left her unfamiliar with th' house... I think to myself, making my bed.

A few seconds later, she trots over to me, rubbing her eyes "Maccy... I'm hungies..."

My heart! I gasp and pound on my chest.

Smarty cocks her head "What's the matter Big Mac?"

"Nothin' just hungry" I reply, walking down the stairs to 4 pairs of eyes "Mornin'"

Smarty looks over my shoulder, "Who are you talking to- eep!"

She ducks behind my leg, shivering a little "Somethin' th' matter?"

She looks at me with saucer eyes "I... do I have to go down there? Twilight is there and if she finds out I'm her old doll, she'll want to take me away from you."

I nod in vague understanding, biting on the scruff of her neck and carry her down, dropping her to nod to everypony.

"So... who's your friend Mac?" Ms. Sparkle asks

"Smarty Patch" I reply and turn to Smarty, who is staring at her hooves She kind of reminds me of Ms. Shy "Y'all okay Smarty?"

She nods "Yeah, just nervous..." She stands and bows to everypony "I'm Smarty Patch and I'm from Canterlot."

Ms. Belle smiles "Well that is quite fortunate! Twilight here is from Canterlot as well."

Smarty nods "I know."

"Well, I suppose being a princess does give you a lot of popularity. Especially among ponies from the same place." she muses before a pink hoof shoves her aside "HI! I'm Pinkie Pie! Welcome to Ponyville!"

Smarty flinches and scurries behind me "I know... I know all of you."

Ms. Belle cocks her head "I think I would remember meeting somepony with two different eye colors... Twilight, what is that called?"

"Heterochroma. And you do seem awfully familiar..." she squints, looking at Smarty like she's a specimen under a microscope.

"What did ya want for breakfast?" I ask, scooting Smarty to the icebox

Smarty mouths her thanks and opens the icebox "Uh... do you have peanut butter?"

I pause "Ah'm not sure... let me check th' pantry"

She smiles and pulls out a juice box.

I nod and open the door to the pantry and a mass of yellow latches onto my face "AMBUSH!!"

I fall onto my back and pull Applebloom off "What in-"

Applebloom frowns Aw... wrong pony..."

Before I can open my mouth again, Applejack yanks her from my grip "Why in th' world were ya hidin' in th' pantry?!"

Applebloom smiles "Ah wanted to surprise Big Mac's marefriend!"

I stare at her, rubbing my neck "Marefriend?"

Applejack rolls her eyes "Ya brought her home from Celestia knows where, fed her, an' let her sleep in your bed. If that a marefriend, ah haven't th' slightest what this is."

Applebloom nods "Yeah! And now ah can stop hidin' those funny smellin' letters from Caramel! Oh, and here's th' peanut butter."

Taking the jar from her, I decide to forget the part about Caramel.

Smarty nuzzles me when I give her the peanut butter "Thanks Big Mac."

I nod and open the refrigerator and a familiar pink something latches onto my neck. "Hi Big Mac!"

"Hello Ms. Pie... mind gettin' off my neck?"

She smiles and slides off, disappearing into the empty crisper "Nope. Not gonna look."

Smarty walks over to the table and starts eating, oblivious to stare from Ms. Sparkle.

She gasps and claps her hooves "You look just like my old doll!"

Smarty pauses mid bite and looks up nervously "R-really? It's... it's probably just a coincidence. Hehehe..."

Ms. Sparkle shakes her head "No, I have eidetic memory and I never forget a face... or doll in this case." she cocks her head "In fact, your mane looks like the yarn hair she had and you have the same colored eyes as her buttons... and your coat is the exact grey-brown too. Could it be...?"

I stiffen, readying myself to grab Smarty and bolt Ah can probably outrun Ms. Sparkle, Ms. Belle, Ms. Shy, an' my sister... Ms. Pie maybe but not for long and Ms. Dash could easily outrun me if she flies...

Ms. Sparkle opens her mouth again "The model for my doll?"

Smarty and I stare at her "...What?"

"My brother probably saw you as a filly and subconsciously used you as a model for Miss Smartypants! Where in Canterlot are you from?"

"The west district." Smarty replies, eating again.

I exhale the breath I'd been holding and put a pot of water on the oven, rummaging through the pantry for oatmeal when I poke a soft something.

A white soft something.

A white soft something with green eyes and a lavender and pink mane.

"... Why are you in the pantry?"

Sweetie stares at me and grins nervously "I... I woke up here?"

I sigh and bite the scruff of her neck and grab the oatmeal before closing the pantry.

Ms. Belle gasps "Sweetie! Why in the name of Celestia were you in that musty old pantry?! You could have ticks and mites and spiders and Celestia knows what else! Or worse you could get bitten by some filthy rodent or creature that makes its home in there!"

Applejack glares at Ms. Belle "Are ya sayin' we don't have a clean house? She might get covered in preserves, yeah, but not critters."

Ms. Belle blushes "I... I meant none of that personally Applejack, it's just that pantries and other dark, enclosed spaces breed and attract animals and other things."

Applejack nods slowly "Uh-huh... why don't you take Sweetie home to clean up an' check her for ticks... an' th' like?"

Ms. Belle stares at her in confusion "Why can't she use your bathroom?"

Applejack rolls her eyes "Ah'm afraid it might have water bugs, mildew, an' other things."

I cover my snort with a cough, pouring the hot water on my breakfast.

POV: Smarty Patch

I carry my plate to the sink, glad to be out of the spotlight for a moment.

Big Mac carries his bowl of oatmeal to the table where Twilight still sits thinking, Pinkie Pie stacking plates and cups on her head.

I thought that she'd figure out who I was just by my name alone! I guess she's still oblivious... I think to myself, washing my plate and knife.

I set the plate to dry and walk up to Big Mac before sitting next to him "What's the work load for today?"

Big Mac turns to me "Southwest fields, manning the stand... rotate the soil in the western tuber patches..."

I grin "Okay, so I'll take the stand and you can stay here to plow and buck. How's that sound?"

Applejack shakes her head "Sorry Smarty, but ya ain't even workin' for us."

I shrug "I was just doing it so that Big Mac doesn't have to deal with the loitering mares and I believe that it's going to rain around three so... I just thought that I'd take care of something that I can do easily. I'm obviously not strong enough to do labor anyways."

Applejack mulls this for a minute and nods "All right. Ah'll go get th' price boo-"

"Memorized already. I know the exact price each apple will cost based upon the day of the year and species. have the earlier picked apples in the middle between the treats and the freshly picked ones. Is that right Big Mac?"

He stares at me surprised before nodding.

"How much does a Red Delicious cost?"

"Three bits a bushel, one half plus two bronze bits that is dropped unless the sum with other apples exceeds five bronze for a single."

Applejack blinks for several seconds and walks over to a book "... Dang. Yall're right on th' dot. Ah need to check this everyday... are all you Canterlot ponies super-smart?"

Twilight snaps out of her daze "Did someone say something about math?"

Rarity shakes her head "No Darling, but I must say I'm impressed Smarty. I never knew that about apple prices... or that you still use bronze values..."

I shrug "I was taught old empirical. And I read that book with Big Mac one time when Twilight was reorganizing the library."

Twilight cocks her head "Apple prices don't strike me as recreational literature..."

Rarity rolls her eyes "You once read the address book upside down in Germane."

Twilight blushes "That was between new book shipments... I got bored."

Big Mac snorts and motions for me to head outside "Ya sure you can handle th' stand?"

I nod, my dreadlocks covering my eyes "I'm as positive as a pony on nitrous oxide!"

He blinks "Oddly specific... jus' let me get th' harness on ya."

I nod and when he puts it on me, I grunt "Okay... never knew how heavy this was..."

"Need help?"

"Nope! Just let me get moving and I'll be good." I reply, taking a step forward but I stay stationary "Okay, I got this!"

I try again, grunting at the strain "Okay... I have an idea." I start jogging in place and gradually speed up, sweat running down my face.

Big Mac raises a hoof "Ya sure ya don't-"

"I GOT THIS!" I yell, moving my hooves as fast as I can.

Somepony walks up to him "She okay?"

"She's got this" Big Mac replies, sounding distant.

A loud springing sound comes closer "Oooo! Nice digging form!"

"GGGRRRROOOOOOOOAAAAARRRR!!!!!" I roar, digging my hooves in and kicking away from the ground in fury.

"Ya think she'll-" Applejack asks, her voice drowned out by my hooves.

"Give 'er a moment" Big Mac replies.

the ground gives way and my hooves hit wood "Wait! Wood?!" I stop and open my eyes and under my hooves are muddy wooden boards "Big Mac! I think I found a treasure chest!!"

Big Mac's head looks at me upside-down "Ya think so?"

I pause "Why are you upside-down?"

"Ah'm not. Yall're upside down."

I blink and notice my hair is sticking up "Wha- ah!" I fall and swing onto the top of the apples "What just happened?"

Pinkie Pie pops up from the apples "You dug a hole! A big circular hole!"

Applejack helps me out of the apples "What she means is that ya dug when ya tried movin and went under the cart. Ya got so into it that ya didn't notice that ya'll were upside-down."

I blink and look at the hole in front of the cart and under the front half of it "Oh... my bad."

Big Mac grins "Maybe ya should've let me unlock th' brakes 'fore ya tried to pull it."

Author's Note

TOOK FOREVER but here it is! Chapter 2!

Huzzah!

Chapter three: a day in the life

POV: Smarty Patch

I walk towards town, miffed at Big Mac "He could've told me that the brakes were on... then again, I did keep interrupting him..."

"What's the matter?" somepony asks, startling me.

I look towards the source, heart hammering in my chest "Who? Oh... hi Cheerilee."

The magenta earth pony grins at me "Well? I don't mean to pry, but you look like somepony annoyed you."

I nod "Yeah, I forgot to take the brake off and I spent a few minutes struggling to move the cart. It's my fault anyways, I wasn't listening to Big Mac."

Her face brightens "Oh? You work for the Apples?"

"Sorta... I'm a friend of Big Macs and I wanted to help with his chores so..." I motion to the cart.

"Hmm... but why are you doing that? It can't be easy for a little mare like you... not that there's anything wrong with being little."

I shrug "I'm comfortable with my stature. And as for why, I just wanted to see the town and Big Mac is a workaholic so it was this or follow him around with a bucket of water and a winch on his yoke and I'm sure there aren't any of those around Ponyville."

She stares at me curiously "What? Why would you do that?"

I walk towards town "He tends to work without stopping, you have no idea how many times he gets heat stroke or dehydration. I have to get to market so have a nice day Cheerilee!"

She waves back slowly, a confused frown on her face Wonder why she lit up when I talked about Big Mac...

POV: Big Mac

I wipe the sweat from my forehead, the invigorating burn of work stinging my muscles This is life... if only I could read while doin' this.

I hear hoofsteps from behind me, the smell of raspberries smothering the smell of apples and work. Mostly of the apples.

"Good morning Big Mac!" Cheerilee says, walking up next to me.

"Mhmm... how can ah help you?"

She grins "Well I was on my way here to ask if you wanted to go get brunch later when I met this most... odd mare. She was pulling a cart of your apples and being a good friend, I asked what she was doing. She said she was helping you but... I thought only Apples were allowed to sell?"

I nod "Ah trust her. She's a good pony."

Her face darkens for a split second but disappears "Oh? I've never seen her around before... is she a relative?"

No, I hide her from other ponies, so that's why you never see her. "Eenope, just an old friend."

She shrugs "Okay, I was just curious. So, brunch?"

"Ah'll still be workin', sorry."

Again, her face darkens for a split second but returns to her smile "Okay then. How's tomorrow?"

I shrug "Maybe."

"Okay, I'll come by tomorrow and ask then, okay?" without waiting for my reply, she trots away.

Wonder why she looked so peeved when I mentioned Smarty...

I shrug and look over my shoulder, the feeling of being watched washing over me.

"Weird"

POV: Smarty Patch

This was a horrible idea.

I look up from behind the stand and several ponies look around for whoever is supposed to be manning the stall.

Curse my doll-esque stature! I need a stool or something... I sneak around behind one of the other produce stands and grab an empty wooden box and place it behind the stand, hopping on top of it "Sorry folks, How can I help you today?"

One pony who I recognize as Golden Harvest AKA: "Carrot Top" speaks up "Who are you?"

"I'm Smarty Patch, and due to division of labor, I'm the one who is the proprietor today." I smile calmly "Now, The usual selections of products are here today with a price cut by a half bit on Gala."

Soon after, everypony is buying and making chit-chat with me, mostly about why my eyes are different colors Maybe I should see if I can't buy a single contact lens for when I go out... nah, I have pretty eyes.

The usual morning rush abates and I reach into my saddlebags and pull out a nicked box of dry grits and a heat crystal (Amazing what you can find when digging in frustration.)

I walk over to the earthenware and supplies stalls and the pony working the former glares at me "What do you want?"

I fight back the urge to retort and smile "Well, I was wondering if I could purchase a heating bowl."

The pony's demeanor changes and introduces himself "Sorry, I haven't had many customers today... I'm Clay Pot."

I roll my eyes internally and buy one, flicking my tail at him when I turn.

Soon my lunch is hot, and I start to eat, watching the ponies pass by Hm... I've sat near and watched but... being noticeable and life-sized is... better somehow. I sigh I wonder if this is why they say that the simple things in life are the most precious. I can't complain...

Out of the corner of my eye, I notice a very familiar pony, Trixie Lulamoon Wonder if she's coming to buy some new earthenware, she does that a lot... must be a chemist or magical thing... Twilight broke a lot of bowls practicing potions... and explosives. SO MANY explosions.

Instead she walks up to me, confusion obvious on her face "You aren't one of the Apple ponies... nevertheless, I wish to purchase some gala, do you have any left?"

I nod and set my half-eaten lunch on the heating crystal "Yup, right there in front, two and a half bits for a bushel, four if you buy two bushels."

She smiles and pulls five bits from her bag and levitates the apples into her saddlebags, and sets the bits in front of me.

I smile and reach to give her fifth back but she's already gone without a trace "Huh... that was nice."

POV: Big Macintosh

I lay on my stomach, watching nature.

"Hey there Big Blue..." a sleepy, relaxed voice says from behind me before the familiar smell of pines, ash, and gum tree hits me.

Tree Hugger.

I turned and she lays on her back, a long robe of silk covering her whole body save her head "Macintosh" I correct, but mostly out of habit, because while I've known her since we were foals, she's never called me by anything except "Big Blue" or "Blue Mountain"

Synesthesia is a peculiar thing.

"No, you're blue, like... blue Blue..." she pauses "I'm not arctic-you-lating that right, am I?"

"'Articulating' and no, ya ain't."

She shrugs and cocks her head "Blue, you got some... pinkish violet... right here." she pokes my chest, right where my heart is "Like, a crabgrass cluster took root... and is getting... thick an... wild."

I ponder this and shrug "Dunno. How was th' meetin'?"

She smiles "'Convent', and awesome. All the spirits were chill and... they told me that I was doing my vocal-elation rightish... said that Shy is a good envoy of The Red. And I'm the most... most..." she blinks several times and scratches her mane "Huh, that's not cool..."

"What?"

She stands and looks around "All the animals split... like a predator or something is messing with the flow..."

I look around as well and the entire meadow is deathly silent, not even the gentle wind was blowing "Odd..."

She walks up to a willow and puts her hoof on its branches touching the ground "... - - - - -"

I shiver, whenever she starts "Talking" to the flora, my magic quakes, especially since Apples have higher magical capacity than most earth ponies.

She steps away and shakes the branches in a hoofshake "Thanks sister..."

I cock my head "What is it?"

"Nothing much, pegasi accidentally shifted the air pressure a smidge. spooked the animals and nixed the wind."

I nod and she sits back down, her eyes closing and she starts whistling into the grass, filling the clearing with her holistic music.

I listen intently, my mind's eye filling with swirling green vines weaving in the wind, the smell of crisp mint and clover carried by the breeze, and I envision myself on a grassy knoll, Smarty Patch and Tree Hugger at my sides, all three of us silent and content, letting the wind carry our minds to the heavens above.

Perfect harmony.

The song tapers off, and I open my eyes slowly, memorizing the image "Big waves there Blue, right in your core... blood... thing."

"'Heart'?"

She nods, and a scrub jay lands in her mane.

"It's hard to take ya seriously when ya have a bird on your head." I say, amused at her obliviousness.

She shrugs "'S cool. Anyways... what were we talking about?"

"... Ah can't remember."

"Awesome. So... why are you going violet on me Blue? Got a pretty something now?"

I laugh and the bird gives me a glare "Nah, it's just... a friend. Ah made a new, old friend."

She nods "Righteous. Always make friends, no matter if they can be seen or heard by only you and Mother Nature... though I'm pretty sure Father Time is deaf..." she shrugs "What shall be, can be, and it's up to us to feel it at our leisure or as it comes. Or... something like that, being illiterate sucks sometimes."

I snort "Yup, guess it would."

She sighs "You know what I wish I could do? I wish I could let anypony see the way I do. I think it'd be nice to talk to somepony who sees the swirling of light and textures of air..." she yawns, her jaw popping "It seems to me that... there is so much more to the world that the average eye can see. I've been given a gift that lets me see beyond the surface, to watch all of those tiny, beautiful things swirl and mesh and come together and pass in turn to a music only I can hear. It's... so incomprehsively beautiful, and nopony but me can see it..." she sniffs, tears springing to her eyes "By the world tree, am I sleepy..."

I stare at her "Ya almost had me thinkin' that you were cryin' from sadness."

She laughs "Nah, I cry when a soul is extinguished for no reason, or when I stub my hoof on a rock, but that's mostly a reactive thing." she yawns "I'm gonna see if purply-green princess is sleeping..." her neck goes limp and lays againt my shoulder, breathing leveling out.

I shrug and lay my head on my arms, dozing off as well.

POV: Smarty Patch

I yawn, my bowl licked clean of food "So... bored..."

I look around me and several stall owners are reading books, drawing, or flying around.

I'd wish for something exciting, but then that might end up with me in the middle of a crusade or a terrible plight... 'May you have an interesting life' as the neighponesse say.

I'm about to doze off when somepony clears their throat "Huh? Yes?"

Standing in front of the stall is a very dapper looking stallion, a shining suit and a pair of glasses on his nose glisten in the sunlight "Hello, I was wondering if you worked for or were related to the Apple family."

"I'm more of a 'Friend volunteering' than a 'Paid worker'" I say, something in the back of my mind saying not to trust him.

He smiles slightly, but the rest of his body radiates stillness "Well, I wish to ask the Apples to allow me to improve the quality of their harvesting."

I blink and walk out from behind the stall, and look him over "You're... a pegasus, who want's to improve the work of earth ponies. Unless your employer or thinkers are unicorns..." his eyes narrow, a glint of worry shining through "This is a scheme. Sorry, but you can try to rip somepony else off."

He grits his teeth "I assure you that I am acting in complete honesty and benevolence-"

"Benevolence denotes superiority; are you saying that you or your company are superior to several hundred strong, trained, and agriculturally inclined individuals? Or is it because you think we're 'Mud Ponies'?"

Several stall owners look over at us, but the stallion doesn't notice "You want to throw this opportunity away because of syntax?"

I grin "Syntax is how the rich stay rich, and the poorer taking from the rich because they never read the lines between the lines in small print." I grin slyly "You haven't any idea who you're trying to swindle, or maybe you do, because the smell of 'Flim Flam cologne: green sprite' is unique in it's pungent odour."

The stallion stutters out something, but the spell is shattered and the stallion is revealed as Flim in disguise, another pony on the other end of the market gulps and beats a hasty retreat.

Right into Applejack's extended hoof, clotheslining the stallion who morphs into Flam, his eyes unfocused.

I clap my hooves "Woo! Earth pony power!"

Flim looks both ways and his horn lights up but an uppercut lands under his chin, launching him into graceless mid-air cartwheels.

"YEAH!" Bulk Biceps says, dropping a bag of bits on the stall's table.

I mimic his pose "YEAH!"

I reach under the table and pull out the apples he bought and he gallops away without a sound into the sunset.

"There goes a stallion of few words..." I say, saluting his retreating figure and pause "Wow, I can't believe that I didn't see him come up..."

Applejack gallops towards me, worry in her eyes "Are ya okay?"

I nod and point to the dazed and bruised form of Flim "Fine, him? not so much..."

Life is weird.

Chapter four: Chores

POV: Big Mac

I sigh to myself, alone in the glade.

What is the deepest, most important need for somepony like me? To create the next generation? To discover a way to better assist in my family's livelihood? To what end does my life amount? The number of good deeds I do? Why was I born a giant, with the temperament of a mountain? Maybe Tree Hugger is right in her own big-picture metaphors? And what about my sisters? They are both too precious to leave alone in pursuit of formal knowledge, though they may disagree. I wish that I knew what the future held, but that would paralyze me with fear and worry.

I sigh again, my musings depressing and fruitless.

Standing, I walk back home, emptying my mind of thought.

I listen to what had happened at the market in shocked silence.

Smarty cocks her head "I'm okay Mac! Really! Sure, I may not have been the one to knock him silly, but I was the one who discovered their plan. So I think all in all, today was a win for Ponyville."

I nod slowly "But..."

"Now don't be tryin' ta say ya shoulda gone. The only reason they came up ta her is cause she ain't familiar." Granny says sternly.

I open to say something but Smarty shoves a biscuit into my mouth "Thanks for your concern Big Mac, but if confrontation didn't work, there's universal plan 'B'."

"Run like yer tail's on fire?" Applebloom asks.

"Yup! If at first you don't succeed, run away and try again."

I roll my eyes and continue eating in silence.

I sigh, removing my yoke and setting it on the floor, and get in bed.

Smarty walks in, her mane out of the dreads she had "Hey Mac, do you think my hair's supposed to unravel?"

I nod my head "Ain't yarn."

She pauses and runs a hoof through it "Interesting... Move over."

I raise an eyebrow "What?"

"I'm sleeping with you, remember? And I don't think sitting on your dresser all night is good for my back." she replies, nudging me forward and laying against my back "Good night Mac."

I fight back a blush and nod "Night..."

This is awkward...

Slowly, sleep comes, and I find myself in a white realm, countless doors in front of and behind me "What...?"

"Macintosh? How did you get into the dream realm?" a familiar voice asks.

"Howdy Luna." I say, half startled and half surprised.

She nods "Greetings. But that does not answer my question. How are you here?"

I look around and shrug "Ain't th' slightest clue."

She contemplates this and walks towards me, and touches my heart "You're in contact with dark and light magic... did you get close to something abnormal in last few hours?"

"Eenope. Work as usual." I reply.

"Or has Midnight cast any spells around you? Enchantments?"

"... He gave Smarty Life."

Luna blinks "He gave life and sentience to a doll? How very him... well, I suppose that'd be the magical residue rubbing off on you, and this is just an accident. As much as I would love to 'Hang-out', I am working so... goodnight Big Macintosh." her horn glows and everything fades to white, and I feel myself awaken.

I sit up in bed, and notice that once again, Smarty Patch is latched onto my back, asleep.

"So that's what the dream world looks like... kind of underwhelming..."

"Mmmph... morning- EEP!" Smart yawns and slides down my back and off the end of the bed "I'm okay!"

I smile and snort to myself until she stomps over to me, angry "That's not funny!"

"It is." I reply, lifting her under the forelegs and throw her onto my back, her hooves scrabbling to get around my neck "... How far do you think-"

"Eenope."

"Awwww..."

After Breakfast, I check the schedule and sigh "Fix barn. Evict pegasus from trees. Watch Crusaders."

Smarty screws up her face "I can watch them if you want. I know them, and they might like me. Well, they thought I was creepy but Sweetie said she liked my mane." she runs a hoof through her dark and light Magenta mane, still out of dreadlocks. "Sure hope Rarity or somepony can do something about it though."

Applejack trots out and grins "Still sharin' th' work? Ya might as well be one single pony."

I snort and Smarty frowns "We aren't dating if that's what your implying, Applejack. I trust Mac's intuition and I also know how much of a workaholic he is. I'm just taking the simpler jobs so he doesn't run himself into the grave. I'm just being a good friend. Now, if you wanted to hire me as a farmhand, to avoid getting non-unionized labor, that's another thing entirely."

Applejack winces, unions were something she didn't like "... Ya'll aren't playin' fair."

She grins "I know. So how about you pay me half base pay, and give me room and board in exchange?"

Applejack considers this and nods slowly "Sounds like a plan. Now get on! Ya both're wastin' daylight!"

We both salute and leave, and I can hear Applejack mutter some unkind things about unions.

POV: Smarty Patch

I knock on the door to the clubhouse and suddenly I'm hanging upside-down by my hooves "... Twilight said there'd be days like this. Can't say I'm surprised though."

Three sets of hooves exit the clubhouse "Whoa! You were right Applebloom! She does have two different colored eyes!"

... Maybe I should get contacts? Nah, I like my eyes the way they are. Wouldn't hurt if everypony didn't make that my defining trait though. I think to myself "Uhm, Crusaders? Would you mind letting me go? I'm pretty sure I've gotten off on the wrong hoof." I pause "Or all of them."

Sweetie lights her horn out of the corner of my eyes and I fall onto my back "Ow... second time today..."

"Ya alright Ms. Patch?" Applebloom asks, helping me to my hooves "Yeah. Just... dazed. So what's the plan for today? Spelunking? Horticulture? Philately?"

Scootaloo leans over to Sweetie Belle "I think we just found your real sister Sweets."

I shake my head "No, we aren't related. By the way Sweetie, do you think you could help with my mane? Dreadlocks preferably."

Sweetie shrugs "I can't do manes. Rarity does mine."

I sigh "Never mind. Could I borrow a rubber band?"

Scootaloo nods and enters the clubhouse. Applebloom, finally snapping out of whatever stupor she was in, shakes her head "None of that stuff. We're goin' ta try monster makin'!"

I blink several times "Don't you need a wicked contract, lots of body parts, a thunderstorm, machinery, and a whole number of other things?"

"Nah, we're gonna go to Sugarcube Corner and bake one in Pinkie's magical oven."

Magical... oven? This warrants investigation. "Okay, I'm in charge of watching you and so I'm coming too."

Scootaloo exits, a rubber band in her hooves "Here you go. So are we going or not?"

I nod and pull my mane back into a ponytail "Cutie Mark Crusaders, Monster Makers! Yaaaay!!"

We watch the Fondant-Armored Flambé Fighter leave ashy footprints in the road, his mane of flames and caramelized metal teeth glinting menacingly "Well, in hindsight, this went about as well as it could've been expected to go."

"Why didn't you stop us?" Scootaloo asks, still watching.

"I kind of wanted to see this happen. This is phenomenal."

Applebloom raises her hoof "Shouldn't we stop it?"

"How? We made that thing virtually indestructible."

Sweetie rubs her chin "Make another monster to fight it?"

"... Let's do it." I reply, grinning

Once again, we stare in awe as the two monsters fight, our Platinum Pastry Pummeller denting the other monster's armor with a round-house to the side.

"... What'll we do when the fighting's over?" Applebloom asks.

"Get a very big mop and broom." I reply, wincing as the Fighter takes a bite out of the Pummeller's Platinum skin.

Scootaloo claps her hooves "Hit it with your Mouton Mallet!"

The Pastry jumps back and launches into a series of spinning kick attacks.

Sweetie smiles "This is the most awesome thing I've ever seen."

Both warriors explode, showering the street with bits of icing and smoldering filling.

Pinkie walks up to us, having been napping in Sugarcube Corner while we baked "What'd I miss?"

"The most epic fight between two pastry monsters." I reply and she moans "Again?! I always miss all the big monster fights! Hey! Cake!"

Sweetie grabs my hoof "I think we should run before our sisters find us here."

I shrug "If you say so. What's next?"

"A little to the left Ms. Patch." Sweetie says, looking down at the blueprints.

I sigh and push the base of the catapult "Why are you building a catapult?"

"We need it for siege warfare cutie marks!" Scootaloo answers, tying a knot on the arm's base.

"... I know a bit about siege weaponry, and I can tell you that this won't work. And besides, a Trebuchet will work better."

All three stare at me in awe "It will?"

I grin "I've read Modern Warmare's guide to long distance artillery and you. Now, we need to get the arm down and re-do the winding mechanisms."

"Pull!" I command and the counterweight drops, launching a huge ball of rotten apples into the air "Wait, why did you have to use rotten apples? Couldn't you've used them for fertilizer?"

Scootaloo grins "This is much more fun."

The ball lands far-away and Sweetie whips out a pair of binoculars "Direct hit! We've landed a direct hit!"

I pause "It was aimed at Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara, wasn't it?"

Applebloom nods "Eeeyup."

"Awesome." I hold my hoof out and Applebloom bumps it "Eeeyup."

Sweetie pushes the catapult towards something else "Can we... umph... hit Twilight's castle?"

"Why do ya want to hit Twilight's castle?"

Sweetie grins "Gonna set up my sister and Spike. You know, the usual good sister things."

I tap my chin "How will firing something at the castle work?"

Scootaloo shrugs "I dunno, stick a note on a bunch of gems with 'From Rarity, there's more where that came from'?"

Sweetie pats her friend's head and tuts "No my dear Pegasus, we shall do something much more... subtle, something that only Spike would understand. We need to do something that only my sister could pull off. We're going to launch Rarity into Spike's window."

Applebloom groans "This is why everypony thinks we only got one brain between th' three of us. You two hoof-heads."

Sweetie frowns "It's a bad idea?"

Applebloom nods "Ain't it Smarty?"

I shrug "I kind of want to see that. But how are we going to get Rarity on board?"

Sweetie opens her mouth but pauses "I... hadn't thought of that."

I roll my eyes "Okay, we aren't going to launch your sister out of a catapult. How about we fire... mud at the boutique?"

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle grin "Rarity loves mud!"

Applebloom groans "Ain't you supposed ta be th' adult?"

I tap my chin in thought "I am. So I think that as fun as launching mud at Carousel Boutique might be, we shouldn't. I suggest we go to..." I look around, trying to find a place "The castle of the two sisters! Maybe they have books on divining cutie marks!"

I stare at the trap organ and crack my hooves "I shall now serenade you with Beethooven's 'Moonlight Sonata Dusk'."

The somber melody flows from the ancient organ, the notes flashing before my eyes from memory.

I remember being taken to the Canterlot symphony orchestra, Final Overture's wings and hooves hovering split seconds above the keys before pressing with divine ease, filling the large opera hall with music. Shining and Twilight fell asleep, but Velvet and I listened in rapt attention. I couldn't tell the story behind the music, but I could tell that it was of loss and of hope.

Next to us, Princess Celestia tried to hide her tears behind silent humming, but I could tell that something in her resonated on a deep level, a level that if it were exposed, she would crumble to dust like the ancient spires around the castle. The final notes played with finality. Adagio Sostenuto has concluded.

The song picks up to become happier music, but with misery deep within.

A lie. A lie of 'I'm okay, don't worry.' But deep down, the notes cried of heartache. Thus ends the Allegreto and Presto Agitato begins

A burst of speed, frantic and wild, a last ditch attempt to regain what was

I stop as the last notes fade to the silence that resides in the castle.

Sweetie Belle claps enthusiastically and I bow to her like a conductor.

Scootaloo snorts awake, rubbing her face "Wha hoppin...?"

Applebloom smiles "That was real pretty Ms. Patch. Where'd ya learn to play piano?"

"I spent a lot of time at the Canterlot royal symphonic. I'm just glad you liked it. Any luck with the books?"

All three shake their heads and I sigh "What to do... what to do... nap?"

"What are we, foals?" Scootaloo asks, crossing her hooves.

"No, but naps are a great way to refresh and revitalize our minds and bodies. That and I'm whipped."

Reluctantly they follow me back to Sweet Apple Acres.

POV: Big Mac

I knock on Ms. Zecora's door "Come in dear friend Mac, I am working in the back."

I enter and she comes through the door from her back room <"How are you Ms. Zecora?"> I ask in Zebrikaans.

She smiles <"Quite well, how are the Crusaders?">

<"Good, I was wondering... Why did you come to Equestria?">

Ms. Zecora sighs <"I came here because I was cast out by my tribe for aiding ponies hurt in the wild plains. I am a medicine mare, a healer, and I shouldn't care whether or not a pony has a solid or a striped coat. I took what I could and was promptly banished. There was no negotiating, nor would I try."> she smiles weakly <"But in coming here, I have been able to make friends, learn more about medicine and magic, and helped everypony I've come across. There is so much yet to learn, but I am patient, and in a way... grateful for my punishment.">

I smile and sit next to her <"And I'm glad that I got to meet you Ms. Zecora. You're more than a friend, you're family. Anypony who can stand buck apples like you is an Apple in my eyes.">

She laughs <"Ah yes! I remember that day! It was such fun, though I could barely stand on my hooves the next morning!">

We chat for a few minutes before I leave to get home "Thanks for talkin' with me Zecora."

She smiles and returns to her work, and I take that as my cue to leave.

I return to my room and find an odd sight on my bed.

Smarty asleep on her back, a blanket thrown over herself, snuggling an arm is Sweetie Belle who flicks her tail in her sleep. Scootaloo has a death grip on my pillow and on her side her wings splayed against the headboard. Applebloom's mane and tail are mussed and she whistles in her sleep, her head on Smarty's chest, her hooves curled underneath herself.

I slowly back step and grab Granny's camera and take a picture, because hey, it's cute.

Sweetie stirs and yawns, rubbing her eyes "Mwah...?"

I walk in and lift her off the bed and onto my back, Scootaloo as well.

I trot to Rainbow Dash's house and toss the orange filly onto her cloud porch, throwing a rock at the buzzer before leaving for the Boutique.

Sweetie had fallen asleep again and I knock on the boutique's door, quickly passing her to her sister and leave without a word.

I may not have higher education, but I can handle fillies.

I tuck Applebloom into bed and return to my room, nudging Smarty over so that I can sleep on it.

She mutters something under her breath and snuggles up next to me before sighing.

I smile and fall asleep the moment I close my eyes.

Author's Note

Another chapter! Huzzah!