The CMC's Epic Argument Anthology

by CartsBeforeHorses

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 2257

The Cutie Mark Crusaders like to argue. A lot. This anthology documents some of their biggest disagreements, debates, and throw-downs over the most trivial topics.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders like to argue. A lot. This story documents some of their biggest disagreements, debates, and throw-downs. As it's an anthology, feel free to read the chapters in whatever order. Witness the CMCs argue over such trivial and pointless topics as...

Published 2014-02-18 02:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-18 02:00:02 UTC

...What Genre of Music is the Best

"Hey girls, guess what!?"

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle glanced over at Sweetie Belle as she approached them on the sidewalk in Ponyville. She was grinning from ear to ear, each of which had a white earbud inside it.

"Rarity bought me an Apple NeighPod!"

"What does it do?" asked Apple Bloom, eyeing it curiously. "Is it for cleanin' out earwax?"

"No, silly," said Sweetie Belle. "It lets you listen to music wherever you go!"

"Awesome!" said Scootaloo. "Let me listen to it."

Sweetie Belle gave Scootaloo the earbuds, and she put them into her ears. Sweetie Belle turned on the music, and then Scootaloo frowned.

"Oh, I'm sorry," said Sweetie Belle, turning down the volume. "Too loud?"

Scootaloo's face turned green as she grimaced. "No, it's not too loud; it's too awful! You listen to One Furrection?"

Sweetie Belle nodded, grinning with pride at her favorite colt band. Scootaloo simply shook her head, remaining silent. Apple Bloom's mouth hung wide open.

"And what's wrong with THAT?" demanded Sweetie Belle, her voice squeaking slightly.

"They're too overplayed and overhyped, and they suck!" Scootaloo exclaimed. "Punk rock is where it's at. Listen to a real band like My Little Romance, All-Equestrian Rejects, Party! At The Disco, Mareamore, or Fallout Foal."

"Sorry, but I don't want to start wearing all black or cutting myself with razor blades," said Sweetie Belle, chuckling.

"Then you outta listen to some good, ol' fashioned country," said Apple Bloom. "Ponies like Keith Urbuck, Tim McGryphon, or Mare Antebellum. Then, you can work down on a farm like me!"

"Country music is too depressing, just like emo music," said Sweetie Belle. "What's wrong with some light, up-beat pop music?"

"Country can be upbeat, too!" said Apple Bloom. "Not all the songs are about loosin' yer dog, plow, and home. Just most of them! Unlike punk, where the most you can hope for is your ex to call you back."

"Hey!" Scootaloo exclaimed, getting into Apple Bloom's face, flaring her wings. "Emo punk rock may be depressing, but at least it doesn't blow sunshine up your flank and pretend that everything is all hunky-dory! And cowpony hats are stupid."

"What is country even about, anyway?" asked Sweetie Belle. "Is there anything to it besides wearing a cowpony hat, playing a banjo, and singing with a country accent like yours, Apple Bloom?"

"No, there's plenty more about it!" exclaimed Apple Bloom. "It's about simple, upstanding, hard-working pony folk who live in the country and take whatever life gives 'em."

"Well, right now, life has given me One Furrection, Justin Timberwolf, and the Ponas Brothers," said Sweetie Belle.

"If they're so great, how many times have you gone to see them live?" asked Scootaloo.

Sweetie Belle blinked a few times, raising an eyebrow.

Scootaloo scoffed. "You know, as in, been to see a concert of theirs?"

"Why would I do that?" asked Sweetie Belle. "I mean, I already have all their music; why would I want to see them live? It costs like two hundred bits."

Scootaloo and Apple Bloom both groaned.

"I can't believe you ain't never seen your favorite bands live!" Apple Bloom exclaimed. "Why, I remember when I went to go see the Marshall Bucker Band with Applejack. They got the duelin' banjos on stage and had a hootenany!"

"And when I went to go see Jimmy Eat Equus live, I got front row seats! I could feel the singers and guitarists breathing on me, I was that close!" Scootaloo said, clasping her hooves together. "They even played extended versions of all their songs. They were jammin' out for hours!"

"'Course, bands like your favorites ain't that creative, so I guess they can't really improvise on stage," said Apple Bloom.

Sweetie Belle blushed. "Yeah, well at least pop will live forever! Emo is dying. Country is dying. Pop is forever. Ponies will always want to listen to it!"

Suddenly, the three of them were interrupted by Pinkie Pie.

"Hey girls! What's up? I'm about to throw a super duper terrific party, and--"

"Pinkie, you can solve this!" Sweetie Belle interrupted. "Pinkie, what music do you listen to?"

All three ponies glanced at Pinkie.

"I listen to ska," said Pinkie Pie. "Bands like Goldhoof, Aquavamponybats, and the OC Mary Supertones."

All three ponies cackled hysterically, rolling around on the ground.

"Go back to 1996, Pinkie," said Apple Bloom.

...Whether Apples Are Overrated

Sweetie Belle sat in the back of the Cutie Mark Caravan as Scootaloo pulled her along on her scooter.

"I can't wait to go crusading today!" exclaimed Scootaloo as the wind whipped her hair.

"Me too," said Sweetie Belle. "Hopefully Apple Bloom can join us today."

They arrived at Sweet Apple Acres, dismounting their flightless-pegasus-powered wagon as they walked over to Apple Bloom's door and knocked.

Apple Bloom came to the door and answered, "Howdy, girls! Sorry, but I can't crusade today. I gotta help Applejack buck some apples. She's runnin' way behind schedule."

"Aw, please?" asked Scootaloo. "You've missed the last three crusading sessions! Just tell her that you have to find your special talent, and you need to come with us."

"Yeah, well, she thinks that my special talent might be apple-related," said Apple Bloom. "Y'know, considerin' that all my other family members have a special talent in apples--"

"Pfft," said Sweetie Belle, waving her hoof in the air. "Apples are overrated."

"What? No they're not!" Apple Bloom said.

"They kind of are overrated. I mean, they're not even the best fruit," said Scootaloo. "They always scrape the roof of my mouth and make it hurt. Also, if you take a bite and don't finish it in like two seconds, it will turn all brown and gross."

Sweetie nodded and stuck her tongue out in disgust.

"Hey!" said Apple Bloom, walking outside and closing the door behind her. "Apples ain't overrated! They're the best fruit out there! I don't care if it ain't my special talent, you don't insult apples on this farm!"

"I didn't insult them," said Sweetie Belle. "I just said that they're overrated. All I hear in this town is apples this, apples that. But they're not all they're cracked up to be. I like grapes, myself."

"And oranges are awesome!" exclaimed Scootaloo.

Apple Bloom scowled. "But an apple a day keeps the doctor away!"

"That's a lie!" yelled Scootaloo. "I used to eat apples all the time, and then I went to the doctor and found out that I still couldn't fly!"

"Uh..." said Apple Bloom, "That ain't what I meant. Apples are the best fruit, though. When an apple fell on Isaac Newcolt's head, he discovered gravity! That's why you gotta give an apple to your teacher for her to put on her desk, so she'll remember about gravity and not float away!"

"Actually, I gave an orange to Cheerilee the other day and she liked it just the same," said Scootaloo.

Sweetie Belle nodded. "I was there."

"No she didn't; quit lyin'!"

"I'm not! I gave her an orange to put on her desk!" Scootaloo insisted. Sweetie Belle put her hoof over her mouth to conceal her giggling at the ruse.

"Well, how come I didn't see it there?" asked Apple Bloom.

"Uh, she must have ate it," said Scootaloo.

Apple Bloom chuckled. "Which proves my point. Oranges are round. If she had left the orange on her desk, it woulda rolled off. That's why you gotta give her an apple. You can stand an apple up and it won't fall over, 'cause it's got little legs on the bottom of it, just like a chair. It's the perfect fruit."

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo responded to this argument by simply falling on the floor, rolling around as they guffawed hysterically.

A single tear came to Apple Bloom's eye. "I can't believe you two! What if my special talent turns out to be apple-related after all?"

"We'll still love you all the same," said Sweetie Belle.

"Just, you know, don't get a worm or anything," said Scootaloo.

"Look, apples ain't overrated. If it weren't for apples, this whole town wouldn't have even existed! Y'all remember Granny Smith's class presentation? Princess Celestia herself gave Granny Smith the land here so the Apple family could farm apples. I'll bet apples are her favorite fruit!"

"Actually..."

The three ponies turned around to see the towering white form of the princess standing over them, smiling.

"...I'm rather partial to bananas."

...Which Pony Celestia Should Make an Alicorn

Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom walked down the street towards Twilight Sparkle's housebrary.

"I can't believe that we never thought of it before!" Scootaloo exclaimed.

"We've never tried readin' books to get our special talents before," said Apple Bloom.

"Well, we did, but they weren't actual books. They were comic books," recalled Sweetie Belle.

"I so wanted a cutie mark of Iron Mare," said Scootaloo. "But I guess it doesn't work like that."

The three crusaders reached the door to the housebrary, knocked, and Twilight answered.

"We're here to read," said Apple Bloom.

Twilight let them in. "You three let me know if I can help you find anything," she said. "I'll be upstairs in my room studying."

"Thanks, Princess Twilight," said Apple Bloom.

"Oh hey, that's right, she's a princess now! I keep forgetting," said Sweetie Belle. "Do we need to bow, Princess Sparkle?"

Twilight chuckled. "No, and you don't need to call me princess, either. I'm just like anypony else. I have to wait in line for cabs, and take the same train cars as commoners. I still live in the public library instead of a palace. I'm still the same old pony I was, except that Princess Celestia gave me wings."

Scootaloo raised an eyebrow. "Can the princess turn anypony else into an alicorn?"

"Sure," said Twilight Sparkle. "All she did was just cast a spell. Theoretically, it would work on anypony. Though not just anypony gets to be a princess. It takes a lot of work. Though I've heard there's another princess position opening..."

The three crusaders looked at each other with wide grins on their faces as Twilight walked off to continue her studying.

"Wow, how cool would it be if she made me a princess?" asked Scootaloo, her eyes wide.

"Pfft," Sweetie Belle scoffed. "You can't even fly, Scootaloo. I don't think that being a princess would change that. You'd just get a horn but keep your non-flying wings."

"Uh!" Scootaloo frowned, drawing back. "Hurtful! Besides, I'd have a horn, so I could, I dunno, like levitate myself or something."

"That would look stupid," said Apple Bloom. "Better that she'd make somepony an alicorn who can actually benefit from it, like me. Just think, I'd get a horn AND wings! I'd be flyin' around usin' magic like crazy! And as a princess, I could get a new barn, a new plow, and a new hip for Granny Smith!"

"That's kind of a problem," said Sweetie Belle. "Twilight became a princess by inventing new magic, remember? You guys aren't unicorns, so I'm the only eligible pony. We'd better start reading up on how to invent spells so that she can make ME a princess!"

"As if!" said Scootaloo. "You can totally become a princess without inventing magic! What spell did Cadance invent, huh? She was a pegasus before she was a princess."

"Yeah, but at least she could fly," said Apple Bloom. "What, are you going to be the princess of scooters?"

"Actually..." said Scootaloo, "that would be pretty cool."

"All I know is that we need a princess of apples," said Apple Bloom, "And Applejack is too busy on the farm to bother with that fancy schmancy royalty. So that leaves me!"

"Princess Celestia doesn't even like apples, remember?" asked Sweetie Belle. "But she likes magic!"

"Which you can't even use," said Scootaloo, rolling her eyes.

"NOW who's being hurtful?" asked Sweetie Belle. "Besides, I can use magic. Watch!"

Sweetie Belle glanced at a sheet of paper on a table, and closed her eyes as she focused energy through her horn. Several minutes passed, with the other two crusaders giggling at her futile efforts. Her horn let loose sparks as she contorted her face in all sorts of configurations.

Finally, the paper moved approximately five millimeters.

"SEE!?" Sweetie exclaimed.

"I think that you blew on it," said Apple Bloom. "That doesn't count."

"Yeah, the fan is running too, I think," Scootaloo snickered.

Sweetie Belle gasped. "That was totally magic!"

"Pfft," said Apple Bloom. "Even if it was, that ain't a new spell. Lots of ponies can use telekinesis, like Twilight."

Scootaloo's eyes lit up. "Twilight! She can settle this. She'll let us know which of us Princess Celestia will make an alicorn."

"Hey, that's a great idea," said Apple Bloom.

"If only you had more of those, we might have our cutie marks by now," Sweetie Belle scoffed. Scootaloo opened her mouth to make a retort, but then Apple Bloom interrupted her by yelling, "Hey, Twilight!"

"Shh, Apple Bloom, this is a library!" Sweetie Belle cautioned.

"Manners are for squares," said Apple Bloom. Scootaloo nodded in agreement.

Twilight arrived downstairs, a smile on her face. "Yes, girls? Is there anything I can help you find?"

"Well, not really," said Scootaloo. "But we do want to know... Who is Princess Celestia going to make into a princess next?"

Twilight blinked a few times. "Well..." she chuckled. "From what I hear, Discord's at the top of the short list."