How Equestria Became Filthy
If you know what dubstep is, you will know that it involves high speed drum sections and filthy bass drops. Do you know how Vinyl discovered it? She didn’t. Plain and simple. I was there when it was discovered and let me tell you, it was the most beautiful thing to ever come since the first sunrise of Equestria. And it was discovered by everyone’s favorite pegasus, Derpy Hooves.
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It was just another day in Ponyville with the neighborhood mailmare. As she did her rounds, she was called back to the office for a big shipment. It was a large box that seemed to be very heavy. This particular delivery was for Vinyl Scratch and seemed to be very important. Derpy had been warned five times before not to drop any packages or she would be fired. She could not afford another slip up. With the utmost care she picked up the package and sped off into the distance, in the wrong direction.
After never realizing it, she traveled across the plains of Equestria. She sped past Marizona, Las Pegasus and even past Trotorado. She traveled across the globe, even expanding out of Equestria and into neighboring countries like Equinland and Cantertica. She was gone for months but was determined to deliver the package safely.
On her return to Ponyville, she arrived with the many angry stares of ponies, demanding to know where their mail was. Derpy paid no attention to them for her focus was on one thing and one thing only, making a safe delivery. Little did she know that Vinyl was not home.
It turned out that Vinyl had been called to a gig on the moon to perform for Princes Luna. Luna was granted one day of pleasure and she used it to listen to modern music. Vinyl offered herself in secrecy and left to play a private show. Derpy was angered but was still determined as ever to deliver. Off she went, to the moon.
As Derpy neared the moon, she could see the stage and the small gathering of Luna and an assortment of space rocks as the “audience.” As Derpy landed, she immediately sought out to find Vinyl and give her the package. As she crossed the stage, she looked into the “crowd” and said, “Hi Skippy,” to a more than ecstatic looking space rock. Then she continued to walk backstage to the dressing rooms.
While searching for Vinyl, Derpy could hear a sound like wailing and despair. As she investigated, she noticed that the sound emanated from Vinyl’s dressing room door. Derpy knocked on the door only to hear a very distraught Vinyl.
“Go away! I’m ruined!”
Derpy, oblivious to any emotion, proceeded to talk in her cheerful voice.
“Package for a Miss Scratch!”
Slowly the door to the dressing room opened. Slowly, Vinyl stuck her head out to see a crossed-eyed mare standing in front of her door with a very large package strapped to her back. Quickly, Vinyl’s face lit up and she quickly pulled Derpy in.
“ You have no idea how happy I am to see you! You see I- wait how are you breathing without a helmet?” Derpy shrugged and stared back at Vinyl nonchalantly. Vinyl stared back in confusion but continued on.
“One of my speakers blew out and I didn’t have a replacement. Luckily for me, you came with my new speaker. I could have sworn I ordered that three months ago. Anyway, You brought it! The Kobayashi 241! The biggest, bass boosted subwoofer in the world! Now I can perform!”
With that, Vinyl unwrapped the package to reveal the epicness of the speaker. The sub itself was ten meters across and made of fully polished metal with a chrome finish. Vinyl stared in awe, her red eyes clearly sparkling beneath her purple specs.
“Let’s do this! You go set up the speaker while I get the crowd riled up!” Vinyl left the room with a newfound sense of confidence and left to her turntables on the stage.
As Derpy picked up the speaker, she could hear the cheer of Princess Luna and the harsh booing of Skippy. As Derpy made her way to the other side of the stage, where the speaker needed to be, Vinyl was in the process of playing one of her hit songs, “Bring the Noiz.” The song played out nicely.
The song started with a nice synth melody while the sound of snares, kicks and toms were heard in the background. As the melody progressed, so did the drums in speed. Derpy was entranced by the music and started to sway, losing control of the speaker. Just as the drums hit a speed of 250 bps, the subwoofer hit the floor, unleashing a sound not heard by anypony before.
The bass of the synth melody was unhitched from its melodic role and began to act on its own. The sound waves of the bass came out even more stretched and heavy. Horror spread across the faces of Luna and Vinyl as a huge, purple shockwave was shot out of the speaker, blasting Luna to the dark side of the moon. The shockwave was soon joined by others close behind it. They could not be stopped and were headed straight for earth.
As the huge “wub” hit the ground, dirt, dust and anything on earth’s surface were kicked up off of the ground and were bounced up and down like a trampoline. The unrelenting shakes, soothing melody and the endless kick-snare pattern never gave the ponies a chance to stand still. They were shaken to the round sound of the bass and even though the movement was unnerving, the ponies enjoyed the sound as well as the bounce it gave in their step.
Vinyl could only look on, her mouth agape at the destruction this new, sweet sound had caused. She quickly looked over to Derpy, who was still smiling as if nothing ever happened.
“What did you do?”
“I dropped the bass.”
“I like the sound of that! You wanna make music with me? We could become partners!”
“Derpy only looked on, in two directions, and shook her head politely.
“I am but a simple mailmare,” she said with an airy tone. Vinyl could only smile as she watched the pegasus fly back to earth.
Upon her arrival, ponies were picking each other off of the street. They were trying to recover from the after shocks of the “dubquake” and were completely covered in dirt, grime and whatever happened to be on the ground at the time (mind you, these are still horses without bathrooms). Derpy could only look on and laugh at the dirt-covered ponies.
“Man you guys are filthy.”
The End
