The League of Humanity.

by Ssendam the Masked

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Princess Luna, Comedy, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Human, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe
Length: 16557

A mass crossover of the League of Humans acting Villainous. Rather than being sent to separate Equestrias, the villains are sent to one. How will events play out with sixteen villains all in one place?

"Okay, so we've got a headless suit of armour with a sword, a normal dude with a gemstone, a girl made of shadows, a mad knight who worships the sun, a steampunk inventor, a man with a crazy powerful mask, two amnesiac women with elemental powers,a conspiracy theorist who's pissed off for some reason, a dark lord planeswalker, some fat guy dressed as a monk, some blond summoner dude, a cyborg ninja, an orange masked lunatic, A monstrous beast with an echoing voice and a sword, and me, the totally metal Sith Lord. Who feels like this is some kind of bizarre bar joke?"

A mass crossover between the first fourteen main stories in The League of Humans Acting Villainous. All respective characters belong to their respective owners.

Published 2014-02-16 23:50:14 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-29 23:24:47 UTC

More of them are coming, it seems.

The South Pole.

Tobi looked around the flat piece of ice that they'd teleported to.
"Solaire-kohai, this isn't the Everfree Forest." Solaire sighed in irritation.
"I know." Tobi nodded. A pause. Then:
"Solaire kohai?"
"Yes?"
"There are penguins all around us." Solaire glanced around. They were, indeed, surrounded by penguins. He looked at his staff.
"Alright, you," here he looked at his staff with a menacing glare, "this ain't the Everfree. Where the hell are we?" The staff glowed yellow. Tobi and Yoshimitsu exchange a glance and shrugged as he continued to talk to his staff.
"What do you mean I didn't specify the Everfree?" A blue pulse of colour. "...Okay, I might not have really, but my point still counts." A red glow this time. Yoshimitsu just face palmed at the man who was hurling abuse at a piece of glass.
"OH YOU FUCKMUPPET!" One of the penguins waddling by squawked indignantly. Solaire waved a hand. "Sorry, my good fellow!" The penguin appeared to be satisfied with that answer, squawking appreciatively and waddling on. Solaire stared after it.
"...did I just talk to a penguin?"
"Yes, Solaire-kohai. Now, I think you should probably get some sleep." Solaire glared at his travelling companions.
"This is your fault, somehow, I know it! You're driving me crazy by talking to me." The knight backed away slightly. "You're contaminating my ideas!" Tobi just sighed, and Yoshimitsu chimed in with his sage wisdom.
"Solaire, maybe we should teleport back into the Everfree, how about that?" Solaire nodded.
"I guess you're right. Now, EVERFREE FOREST!" With that, he slammed his staff down, and the party of three was enveloped in a bright yellow light.

Everfree Forest.

Keith trudged through the forest, cursing all the while. He'd had to scare off that little purple lizard thing, and he'd terrified the populace, but it was worth it for the information contained in these books. Keith sat down, catching his breath, frying pan at the ready for anything. If what these books said was true, magic was possible. He opened the first book, a history book-
With a bright yellow flash, three humans suddenly appeared in the clearing with him. He fell over backwards in shock. Then, he picked himself back up, frying pan at the ready. The one in the orange mask saw him.
"Solaire-kohai! I found another human!" Keith's eyebrow cocked up. Another human? The knight, who he only just realised had a sun emblazoned on his tabard, stepped forwards, hand outstretched.
"Greetings, traveller. My name is Solaire of Astoria. May we engage in jolly co-operation together." Keith paused, then shook the guys hand warily. Nut or not, this guy could do magic.
"My name's Keith..."
"Keith? Interesting name. This," here he gestured to the orange-masked one, "is Tobi. The other guy," this time pointing to the demonic looking man with armour and a glowing katana, "is Yoshimitsu. We would be honoured to have one such as yourself accompany us."
"Uh, okay."

They'd been walking for about two hours. Keith watched apprehensively as Solaire just burnt his way through the forest with spectral blue-green flames. It seemed as if it was his staff that was magical, not the man himself. The others seemed to have a different magic; Tobi just seemed to phase through rocks, while Yoshimitsu cut through them like butter with that sword of his.
"So, how do you do magic, then?" Tobi grinned.
"Look into my eyehole." He did, seeing a red eye with what looked like three commas surrounding the pupil.
"Behold, the Sharingan, the Copy-Wheel Eye. If I wanted to, I could cause you to suffer illusions simply from eye contact. But I don't." Keith shuddered. Terrifying. Tobi stared for a second, then looked away.
"Ah, but the change came from this little fellow here!" He waved his left hand, indicating the glowing purple ring. Keith sagged. It seemed as if no human could do magic of any sort without an artefact."Do you know of any artefacts around here?" Before Tobi could answer the question, a gout of brown water splashed across the flames of Solaire, extinguishing them. Solaire seemed startled.
"You know, you really should be more considerate of the other denizens living here, good sir knight." The voice sounded kindly, but also extremely annoyed.

Out of the shadows stepped a human, pretty fat and wearing a brown robe and cowl. He swept it back, revealing a plump round face with brown, straight hair. His head was shaved with a monk's tonsure, and he wore a half smile on his lips and a step skullcap on his bald patch. In his right hand, he carried a wooden staff, with painted blue and orange designs along its length, and in his left, a shield with a lion's roaring face. Solaire looked at him curiously.
"What is a friar doing out in these woods?"
"I am merely trying to help people in the world, sir knight." Keith looked at him. It was the staff that did magic, he knew it was. He'd never seen anything like it, though. He leafed through one of his books, trying to find what it was. Solaire and the friar continued talking.
"Well, I hope that we can engage in some jolly co-operation." The friar smiled congenially.
"Excellent. I don't feel like telling you my name, but people know me here as the Fat Friar." He chuckled, slapping his gut. "It is not a title that I haven't earned." Keith finally found what he was looking for- The Staff of Balance. He gulped.

The Staff apparently granted its wielder nigh unstoppable elemental magic- each of the four classical elements bowed to it. Fire, Water, Earth, Air- each was controlled by the staff. No wonder the Fat Friar was so relaxed; with a staff like that, it would be very difficult for any opponent to withstand his onslaught. He didn't recognise the shield though- that was interesting. The Friar beckoned.
"Come hither, and I'll take you to my camp."

As they walked with him, Yoshimitsu struck up a conversation with the Fat Friar.
"What brings you all the way out here, Friar?" He chuckled.
"I got drunk at a costume party, and when I woke up, I was here in the forest. A zebra called Zecora gave me directions to the nearest town. Don't go there; it's sickeningly sweet. After that, I got my staff from a pawn shop, and then travelled the world." He stopped talking for a moment, and Solaire noticed his slowing pace. "For all their talk of equality, it's anything but. So I helped out beggars, gave them food and money. Then, I thought bigger. I broke into banks and stole the proceeds, gave them to the beggars and poor. I formed a band of ponies; the Everfree Merry Ponies, we were called. We could do larger scale operations with that pony power. But alas, no longer." He seemed down.
"What happened?" He looked at the group, and Keith stopped thinking about magic for a second when he saw the look in the Friar's eye.
"The Guard happened." He had stopped entirely by this point, but they didn't care. "It happened suddenly. We were raided unexpectedly. Most of them were imprisoned; I escaped with a few. They said that they didn't want to suffer that again." He shook his head. "I don't begrudge them their choice. I understand their situation; family, friends, we all have something we love more than anything. Now," and here he started walking again, "it is just me in this forest. I think that I have some tea, so we can talk over the camp fire." The group of humans nodded.

Canterlot Mountain Range.

Invention pulled the emergency brake and jumped off, walking towards his hideout. It had been a thousand and five hundred years since he'd been here, and he was in need of a serious clean up. Walking through the cave, he thought about his 'friends,' for want of a better word. He'd talked with them for over a thousand years, trying to stave off madness. It didn't work; he'd gone murderously insane for about a decade, then snapped back to sanity. None of his fellow humans were exactly the most stable of individua-

A hand grabbed him from the darkness and pulled him towards the wall.
"Okay, Mister Steampunk, who the hell are you?" It was a girl! He'd not seen one since the Sisters Grim! He struggled with the hand on his arm, but a life of not fighting people up close had dulled his muscles. Plus, he'd been in stone for one and a half thousand years, and still felt a bit of stiffness in his joints.
"Get off me and reveal yourself!" Boris flashed green in agreement. She sighed.
"Promise not to scream or anything?"
"I promise." She stepped out, and he suppressed the shriek. What was in front of him was only vaguely humanoid.

Her skin was dark grey, not a natural shade. As he looked, she grinned, revealing a mouth with two rows of sharp teeth, and a longish tongue. Glowing white eyes and straggly, almost floating black hair completed the whole picture. She grinned, exhaling a black mist from her void-like mouth. Invention struggled for composure.
"Well, I wasn't, ah, expecting anything like that in these tunnels." She stuck out a hand. "Call me Abyss. It's as good a name as any other name." She looked around.
"It's nice to meet a fellow human being." Invention spluttered in surprise.
"YOU'RE human?" It had come out a bit wrong. She looked at herself.
"Yes, I'm a fucking human; I just don't look like one right at this moment in time." Invention composed himself; he was being terribly rude, after all.
"Well, I suppose I can take you to my house. Please, follow me. It isn't far." He walked off, trying to remember. After a moments' hesitation, she followed.

"So what's your name, then?"
"Well, I am called Invention; it's as good a name as any."
"Hey, don't be all- oh wait, that was my own shitty reason," it dawned on Abyss that her guide seemed more than a bit odd.
"So what do you do here, in mountains?" For an answer, he walked to a door in the wall, made of burnished copper. He dislodged a stone on the ground, and pulled the lever within.
"Oh, I invent things." He opened it.
"Care to come inside?"

Canterlot.

Dullahan tromped through the burning gardens with his two companions. They'd introduced themselves as Elizabeth and Victoria Grim; they wore clothing that was both similar and different. Victoria wore a tight shirt and trousers with a scarf hiding her lower jaw, while Elizabeth wore a jacket and a free scarf. She was the only one with a weapon- a short knife. Her sister had said that she remembered using a bow.

Then again, with their powers, they didn't need weaponry much; he still remembered the screams of the guards as the ash beast tore through them, only to silence them with a bite, and the fires which Elizabeth'd used to burn down the statue garden. The darkness that spread from Victoria, choking any guard she lay eyes on and throwing them into walls. Whenever they used their powers, their right and left eyes, respectively, glowed a brighter green. He resolved to keep an eye out for them.

Still, they were plenty afraid of him. He couldn't blame them; he was, after all, a gigantic suit of animated blue armour, a greenish-blue flame replacing his head. A long red cloak billowed out behind him, and he wielded a giant sword in his right hand. He chuckled mentally. Then he sighed; he was still missing some of his power. His Djinn weren't found anywhere here, and his shield was somewhere else. He would find them, though; he could wait.

A shooting star shot overhead, and he watched it impassively. The Sisters Grim looked up.
"Did you make a wish?"
"Yes, I did." He looked between them. Such devotion to each other... but daylight was fading.
"I don't want to seem rude, but we should probably get moving." With that, they continued through the city.
"Humans..." The voice sounded kind of low, and deep as well. Dullahan spun, sword at the ready.
"It's alright, I just want to talk with you. Can I come out now?" Dullahan watched as a man came out. He wore a black suit and white shirt, with a white gauntlet with glowing blue lights on his right hand, and a strange ring on his left.
"What manner of human are you?" In response, he chuckled.
"I could ask you the same thing." Dullahan tilted his body forwards.
"That is true. However, we are rather lost. Would you mind accompanying us on our journey? We have no real destination, but hopefully you won't mind." The blond man mulled it over, tapping his chin. At last, he came to a decision.
"I shall go with you. I don't have anything else to do with my life." Dullahan nodded.
"May we have a name?" Their new companion nodded.
"Call me The Choten."

Everfree Forest border.

"Uuugh..." Chris moaned blearily, hangover apparent.
"Where am I?" He looked around; he seemed to be in a fairy tale forest. "Weird shit."
"Ow..." He froze at the voice that came beneath him. He looked down.
It was a dude dressed as a totally metal Darth Vader. Whoever this guy was, he'd done an incredible job on his costume- he'd attached horns to the helmet, wore a really torn up cape, and added skulls to practically everything. A badass amulet was riveted to the whole assemblage, and the eyes glowed a menacing red colour. He still seemed to be asleep. Chris decided not to wake his companion, instead, choosing to scramble away.
"Shit shit shit shit shit shit..." He checked himself, still muttering 'shit' all the time. Once he'd ascertained that he hadn't screwed the guy beneath him, he scrambled away, desperate to go somewhere, ANYWHERE, from the guy he'd fallen asleep on.

Once he'd cleared the forest, he looked out at a small, idyllic village.
"The fuck?!" He stormed over. Ponies. Little colourful horses. He repeated the expression louder, and they heard. They stopped and stared at him. He glared back. "Oh, fuck. This is all a dream, isn't it. Well, fuck you dream."
"That's horribly rude, you know." He turned around, to find a purple unicorn standing behind him.
"Okay, enough, you creepy brony fucktard. Get out of the fur suit. It's good, but it's just fucking weird. I am still hungover, and I don't want to deal with you." She raised an eyebrow and retreated.
"E-excuse me? I'm real." In response, Chris pimp slapped her with the back of his gauntlet, discovering two things; firstly, his gauntlets were now made of metal, and two, this was a real cartoon horse. He stared, before the hatred and rage within him started to bubble up.
"Ow! Why would you do that?" He paused, then grinned as a wild idea took hold in his mind.
"Because I am the dark sorcerer, MALIDEUS! I have roamed the multiverse, and I have conquered universes far greater than your own! So wake in fear of my greatness, worm!" She got up, and her horn flared. The newly christened Malideus reached into his pocket, feeling it... then flung it into those large eyes of hers. She screamed as the grains flew into her eyes, dropping to try and wipe them out.
"POCKET SAND, BITCH!" With those parting words, he ran for the treelike, intent on running away. An orange normal pony tried to get in his way, but he clobbered her with his staff and kept running like a boss. When he reached the woods, he kept running, but unfortunately, he tripped over the other guy, who sat up.
"WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?" The other man roared this in a voice that sounded like it had been dunked in molten sulphur for days on end. Malideus screamed like a ~~bitch~~ manly man, scuttling backwards as Darth Vader got up.
"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry to disturb you!"

Ted looked at the guy cowering over there. He wore a long, black robe, with a badass helmet covered in spikes. Pimping metal gauntlets completed the whole assembly. Yet the guy was cowering for his life.
"Relax, man. Chill." He recovered.
"Yeah, I'm sorry about that. It's just... well, there're ponies in the town near here." Ted raised an eyebrow behind his helmet.
"Fuck, really? I've gotta see this." Ted decided to move, but the other guy grabbed his hand.
"Don't check it out; I pimp slapped one of them, and they're after me." Ted felt confused by that statement.
"Wait what?" Evil sorcerer sighed.
"Yeah, I thought it was one of those brony fucktards-"
"You hate them as well?" The other guy relaxed a bit.
"Yeah! They're weirdoes. I mean, they draw porn of cartoon horses. PORN! That's so fucked up, man." Ted nodded. The other guy stuck out a hand. "Name's Malideus. I thought it was a cool name." Ted mulled over what his name should be. He then grinned wickedly behind his mask as he thought of the perfect one.
"Call me... Darth Vulcan." With that handshake came a beautiful friendship.

Author's Note

DARK PHANTOMS MALIDEUS AND DARTH VULCAN HAVE INVADED!

It seems as if the Eagle has Landed.

Author's Note

300 members special!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It seems as if the Eagle has Landed.

Canterlot Mountains.

Invention bustled through his house in the cave, Abyss following him at a distance. She didn't know what to expect of this place- an old house in disrepair, she'd thought, not some large house, carved into the very mountain. The other mind within her head shivered, and withdrew slightly. While the furniture seemed to be wrecked, everything else was in good form. She followed her host through another door, into a large room, with a couple of work benches, still covered in gears and other pieces of technology. Abyss also noticed that the necklace was bouncing and glowing a lot, and Invention chuckled.
"Have patience, Boris. We'll get you a new body soon." She rolled her eyes. Great. She'd followed a crazy man home. Then she saw the robot that he'd pulled out, four feet tall and human-like, and rethought her opinions. Still mad, but a mad scientist. If he wanted her to pull a lever, she was going to sing SO LOUD.

"Alright, we're here. Let's get you some new legs, Boris." The necklace seemed to levitate for a moment. She watched it impassively. So he was definitely the harmless sort of crazy, then. She didn't feel like driving away a potential ally.
Abyss watched as Invention placed his necklace into the robot. Immediately, the eyes seemed to light up with sentience, and it moved and stretched.
"Ah, it's good to have a body again." She backed up. She was not expecting it to talk.
"The FUCK?!" Invention looked at her.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I should have warned you." The robot looked at her and got closer. She shied away for a bit, before scolding herself and remaining resolute. No matter how weird she found this, the robot probably found her even weirder. It stuck out a hand, which she looked at impassively.
"You're Abyss, right? Nice to be able to talk to you. I'm Boris." She looked at him uneasily, then placed her hand around his and shook it. It felt kind of warm, but not at human temperatures.
"Um, it's, ah, nice to meet you, Boris." She tried to smile, but it didn't really work with her new face. Thankfully, Boris got the meaning of the gesture. "No problem, miss Abyss. Now," here he looked down at himself, "I have a rather nasty task ahead of me." Invention walked over to the shelves and started muttering under his breath, looking for something and obviously not seeing it.
"Where is the PRS? Ah," he clicked his fingers, "I know who to ask."

The resident inside looked vaguely familiar. Unlike the other robot, he looked comparatively human. By which she meant that he had what looked like skin, but patches were peeling away, revealing a metallic body underneath. She shuddered; it was pretty unnatural. What was the real purpose of these robots? He tapped it awake.
"Guh, morning already?" Its half asleep eyes spotted Abyss and went wide.
"HOLY MOLY!" She chuckled, which didn't really work with her new face.
"I get that a lot now." Invention looked at him.
"Ah, Edward. Do you know where the PRS is?" The little robot ran over to the other side, and Abyss' jaw dropped when his legs extended, allowing him to reach the full height of the shelf. He grabbed a pot of tan goop and ran back, shrinking his legs back down.
"There we are, the last jar of the PRS. Victoria told me that the rest of it had expired." Abyss was curious as to the nature of the goop.
"PRS? What's that?" Invention turned to her, smiling.
"Wait and see, my dear."

She swatted him.
"You're going all 'creepy mad scientist' on me. It's more than a bit weird." He huffed.
"Well, yes. I haven't had a lot of time for social interaction here. Well, like I said, you'll see. Now, Boris," here he summoned the first robot, "come here. I'll reapply the PRS to you. Ed, get me the paintbrushes."

Watching him work the goop onto the robot named Boris, she was struck at how... fatherly the action was. It was weird and unsettling how human Boris ended up looking, with a nose and ears; in fact, had she not seen him make them, she would have assumed that he was just a normal boy. She rolled her glowing white eyes.
Great, now I'm thinking that it's a 'he.'
That's not normal, get out! GET OUT!
"Quiet you." Invention turned to her.
"What was that?" Abyss just sighed.
"Nothing, just my symbiotic partner." Invention looked doubtful.
"Can I assume that you're as mad as I am?" She glared at him.
"At least I don't make fucking androids." As soon as the words came out of her mouth, she realised her mistake. Invention's feature's grew harder.
"Shit, I'm sorry-"
"It's alright." He leant against a bench, and Abyss was struck with a feeling of age; he looked young, but right now, with that look on his face, he seemed ancient.
"Ed, Boris, Victoria, Steve- you haven't met the last two- they're like my children."
"Your children?" Abyss leant in. Invention sighed.
"I am so old now; oh, I know I don't look it. I'm over a thousand and five hundred years old, and my family back home are probably all dead. So I had to build a new family." He seemed, in that moment, to shrink. Then, the manic energy that suffused him seemed to switch back on.
"Come along! I'll show you the others." He stood up, and walked out, beckoning her to follow, which she did with a bit less hesitation.

Canterlot Castle.

Corvo watched impassively as the guards ran past, not even seeing his hiding place. Fools... not one of them ever looked up. That was the problem with police forces; they were so unimaginative and so one-track minded. He leapt down silently.
"M-Master?" He turned; one of the members of his little ogranisation. He remembered Dust Pan, that maid from so long ago, and sighed internally. If she had been human, then he would have probably violated her. Who could blame him?
"Report. How is the order?"
"I-it goes well, master." Corvo focused on that voice. Sweet mother of GOD, I swear, if she were human...
"We have maintained all of your old equipment, and we await your orders." Corvo rubbed his chin. Much as he hated it, he had to admit that his fellow prisoners needed to be informed about his little organisation.
"Anything interesting?"
"Well, there is one, ah, man," the pony stumbled over the unfamiliar word, "who, though his motives are pure, his methods aren't."
"Interesting. Who is he?"
"We don't know his name, but he is called the Fat Friar. He possesses dangerous magic; are you thinking of asking him to join the Order?" Corvo grinned behind his mask.
"Oh, he sounds interesting. I'll try. Where was he last seen?
"The Everfree Forest; his band have been broken up by the Guard."

The Everfree Forest.

"That's quite the tale, Sir Solaire." The knight shrugged, helmet off. He didn't want to take a sippy of hot tea with a helmet on, after all; it's the height of rudeness to throw your tea in your face. Beside him, Tobi and Yoshimitsu had removed their masks, revealing that Tobi's face was covered in scars on the right side, and Yoshimitsu's just looked ordinary. Keith fidgeted, unnerved by how weird Tobi looked underneath that goofy orange mask. Maybe that was the reason he wore it, he mused; seeing those scars would put the fear of god into others.

"And your tale, Keith?" He swallowed his tea and placed it down.
"I got hit by a car." All four of them winced. Keith continued his tale.
"After that, when I was dying from my injuries, there was this... woman. Yeah, she appeared in front of me, and she started asking me how she could save me, but I wasn't exactly talking. Then, I woke up in some kind of altar. I made my way to the town over there, scaring the populace along the way, and stole some books and food." The Far Friar nodded in understanding. He turned to Yoshimitsu.
"And your tale?" Yoshimitsu shrugged.
"Well, I'd tell you our names, but it's been a while since we've used them. Anyway, we went to an Adelaide con, dressed as Tobi and Yoshimitsu. We bought some stuff, and were then besieged by ham beasts. Not like you," he added hastily to the Fat Friar, "they were fatter and had neck beards. They also had pony body pillows." Keith retched in his throat a tiny bit.
"Afterwards, we woke up here in the forest. I, uh, might have accidentally made a new river here." The Friar raised an eyebrow at this.
"Then, we were chased by wasps and eventually came to a village, where Tobi almost destroyed the place. We then met the Princesses, and then, through a HUGE misunderstanding, were chased. Tobi then made the situation worse-"
"You liar! YOU were the one who pissed on the Tree of Harmony!" Yoshimitsu glared at Tobi.
"Okay, that is true-" Tobi put his fingers into gang signs and interrupted him with a brutish voice.
"Yeah, don't go pulling the wool over them eyes yo, cause I'll come at you blud, I'll come at you like a bag of hammers."
"So then you were imprisoned?" Yoshimitsu shook his head.
"No, we dicked around for a couple of years, made the forest grow bigger, then we got hit in an ambush. That's all we'll say about it." The fat friar nodded.
"I wouldn't dream of forcing you to tell more than you feel comfortable with." He stood up and stretched. "Now, I do believe that we should get some sleep for the night-"

A tall figure burst into the glade, roaring. The Fat Friar readied his staff, waiting, but Metal Darth Vader ignored him, focusing on the fire. He plopped down. Only then did he notice the four people sitting there.
"Hello there." Solaire approached, hand outstretched. Metal regarded it suspiciously.
"I am Solaire of Astora. Who, may I ask, are you, weary traveller."
"Stop talking like a goddamn renaissance fucktard. I'm Darth Vulcan, of Fuck You." The Fat Friar huffed.
"Manners." Tobi poked the new arrival, who took offence.
"GET OFF ME YOU ORANGE FUCKTARD!" He bellowed, swinging his staff at Tobi, who phased through it. He gaped at that. Tobi waggled a finger at him.
"Ah ah ah, that was rather rude." Darth Vulcan considered attacking again, but let off with a feral growl. The Fat Friar, deciding to be diplomatic, decided to start the conversation.
"What brings you to our fire?" Darth Vulcan glared at him, red eyes glowing.
"There's a purple dragon probably after me. She already got Malideus."
"Who's that? Sounds a bit of a tosser." Darth Vulcan glared at Yoshimitsu and continued.
"We were minding our own business, when we see a cave. We go up to it, not feeling threatened. Before we knew what was happening, this dragon comes out of a cave and starts chasing us. Naturally, we both ran away, but Malideus tripped over his own robe." He shook his head.
"I tried to help him up, but the dragon grabbed him and breathed fire at me." He shook his head.
"Lord knows what happened to him."

Mizzetta's cave.

Malideus ~~screamed like a bitch~~ roared in a manly fashion as he came to.
"Hello." He gulped.
"...Hello?" He squeaked, readying his staff. The dragon smiled in a vaguely seductive way.
"You know, power and infamy are big turn-ons for dragons."
"R-really?"
"Oh yes. And you slapped the princess' top student. That earns you a lot of... infamy."
He whimpered in fear.

Everfree Forest.

Solaire nodded.
"Right, we, uh, go and fight the dragon." Darth Vulcan choked on his stew.
"Are you insane or stupid? There's no way that you can beat a dragon." Tobi looked at him.
"That's a loser talking! Are you a loser?" Darth Vulcan glared at him.
"Fine, I'll follow behind you, and I'll watch you guys get flamed." He finished his stew and lowered his facial grill again, covering his pimply, pallid chin.

Walking towards the dragon's den was an ordeal, especially when they heard a person screaming.
"What's that?"
"Sounds like there're two people having sex." Keith looked at Tobi.
"You have a sick mind." They were interrupted by a feminine moan from within the cave.
"OOOOHHH!!!" Keith shook his head frantically.
"That doesn't sound like sex. Not at all!" Yoshimitsu shook his head.
"You don't want to admit that you were wrong to Tobi, eh?"
"...no."

Everfree Forest, opposite side.

Something big had impacted here. The land around was scorched, and something huge lay in the crater from landing. For a while, there was silence. Then, a loud, echoing voice screamed:
"WHAT THE FUCK?!"

Canterlot Road.

Dullahan studied his new travelling companion. The man's suit was covered in dirt and twigs, and his gauntlet was stained with mud. His blond hair was greasy and unwashed. The Choten had obviously been here for a while.
"Tell me, what is your tale?" He started; the Choten was addressing him. He cleared his throat mentally.
"Well, a thousand and five hundred years ago, I was brought here by my sword. I lost my head and became nought but a spirit inhabiting this here armour. I mastered my powers, but was imprisoned, and my power was stolen. I was wrapped in chains, and transported to Canterlot with the sisters and my weapons. I seek out two things: my pets and my shield. That's all I feel like telling you. And you?" The Choten chuckled.
"I don't think that I am a very good story teller." Elizabeth and Victoria suddenly doubled up, as if in pain. Dullahan turned to them in surprise as they vomited, streams of black ichor coming from their mouths as they expelled...
eyes?
Each of them had an eye within the puddle, wildly spinning around. The Choten stared at the eyes in fear and curiosity. Dullahan felt uneasy. The mysteries of the Sisters Grim only grew in size. Who were they really? They said that they had forgotten, and he didn't doubt them. Still, what had they forgotten?

Victoria locked her eyes with the one that she'd vomited, and seemed to freeze. The Choten nudged her.
"Are you alright?" She seemed to come out of dreamland for a bit and smiled shakily.
"No, I' not alright... I just vomited up an eye and saw something weird..." Elizabeth put a hand on her shoulder.
"Perhaps you are getting your memories back? It is a possibility."
"Yeah, listen to Dully. Besides, we'll have to figure out what the deal with these eyes are." Dullahan secretly agreed; he was still going to keep an eye on the two.
"Where should we head for?" Dullahan thought of a good destination.
"Well, we're near our new destination anyway; the Everfree Castle. It's just a short walk through these woods." The Choten stood up.
"Well, I couldn't say, but it does sound like a destination. We should get moving before the timberwolves come."

The Everfree Forest.

The Fat Friar looked at the embaraased Malideus as his purple draconic lover cooed over him. Behind him, Tobi was laughing himself sick.
"YOU FUCKED A DRAGON!" Malideus glared at Tobi.
"What would you have done?" Tobi tapped his chin.
"Probably not fuck a dragon. Better to die than to be raped." Malideus just sighed.
"Whatever; I'm not gonna be judged by you guys." Darth Vulcan stared at his friend.
"Dude, as long as this doesn't become a habit..."
"You wanna tell her that she can't fuck me?" Darth Vulcan looked at the dragons and thought.
"I suppose not. Still, we need shelter, and I'm NOT sleeping in a sex cave." Solaire looked around.
"What luck! It seems as if we are in the general vicinity of the Castle of the Pony sisters. Shall we go there? It'll be a roof over our heads, at the very least." Tobi and Yoshimitsu nodded; bad memories aside, a roof would be good.

With that, their party of seven slunk through the forest, intent on finding a place to sleep. Along the way, though, Tobi slipped away from the group. He wasn't worried; he knew the way to the castle.

Canterlot Gardens.

With a crackle of arcane energy, a tall, humanoid figure stepped out, next to a statue of a hooded figure in a mask. He grinned.
"Jack's back, bitches." With that, he smashed the statue, grabbing his mask. He pulled the familiar mask on, feeling his power intensify. The Alicorn Amulet around his neck glimmered with a cruel light.

A meeting at the Everfree Castle.

Everfree Forest.

Yoshimitsu looked at a familiar sight- The Castle of the Pony Sisters. He sighed; there were a lot of bad memories that he associated with this place. Memories of their disastrous first meeting with the ponies came to mind. Tobi clapping his hands together, which was perceived as an aggressive tactic. Mighty Whitey chasing them down with a white hot fury, sending wave after wave of guards after them.

It had seemed as if it would end for a time, but then they were ambushed and frozen in stone. Yoshimitsu shook his head. Enough dwelling on the past.
"So these alicorns just LEFT their stuff out here? That's just... careless, really." Yoshimitsu nodded. "Yes, it kind of is. Then again, with this ravine here, it's quite hard to get to if you can't fly." Malideus looked at the ravine. "How are we going to cross it then?" For answer, Yoshimitsu grinned.

"No. No no no no no no NO." Yoshimitsu glared at him.
"What's wrong with it?" Malideus shook his head. "I am Malideus, the scourge of the ponies, and I am NOT going to cross over this ravine on piggyback while you make a leap of faith and I scream in terror while you run up the opposite wall of the ravine. I have my dignity, and I am NOT doing it." Yoshimitsu shrugged.
"Suit yourself." With that, he started spinning his sword over his head, flying over the ravine slowly, but surely. Malideus stared at him. "..." The Fat Friar just laughed.
"It's alright." They took a moment to look at the castle, then the Fat Friar beckoned him. "Come here, oh Scourge of Ponykind; there's a bridge a short walk thataways." Malideus threw his hands up in the air. "See, Yoshimitsu? That's why you wait out things, not do the most insane thing you can think of!" With that last parting jab, he stomped over to the bridge, muttering about 'insane mechanised ninjas.' The Fat Friar, after a moment of silence, followed.

Darth Vulcan admired the place. It looked evil, imposing and it had location coming out of its ears. Perfect for them. beside him, Keith looked at it in awe. "It looks pretty damn evil, ain't it?" Darth Vulcan nodded his assent.
"Indeed. Looks like we have a new-" they were interrupted when they heard the clanking of a full suit of armour coming up.

Dullahan looked at the group of humans here in surprise. A man cosplaying as Solaire, another cosplaying Yoshimitsu, some normal dude, an evil sorcerer who had whipped out a staff and held it in front of him, Metal Darth Vader and a monk...
With his shield.
He knew that he hadn't been sensing things wrong. His shield was definitely here.
He tromped over to the monk, who shied back slightly. He spoke, deciding to ask first before using force. It was pretty hard to be intimidating though- the monk was three inches taller than him.
"Excuse me, but that's my shield you're holding." The monk glanced at it.
"Is it? Oh, I'm sorry about that. I stole it from the Canterlot Archives; it was exceedingly difficult to steal. Something about it spoke to me; perhaps power calls to power."
"Well, you have held onto it for me, but I would like it back now."
The monk looked at him. "Oh, here it is. It's a bit too heavy for me to properly wield, after all." He offered it to Dullahan, who took it in his left hand. He felt the power flow through him and he knew, had he actually had a head, that he would have been grinning like a maniac. "Thank you."

The Choten watched these new humans warily. He didn't know who they were or what their motivations were, and that fact was quite scary. His ring glowed, and he felt slightly calmer. Beside him, the Sisters Grim seemed a bit scared. They'd hidden their eyes about their person, which was a good thing; he didn't want them to scare these newcomers. He approached the sorcerer one warily, as he seemed to be the least threatening. Oh, he was armed and seemed willing to attack at a moments notice, but his arms were too skinny and that staff seemed to just be made of wood, so he couldn't do much other than break a few bones.
"Need a hand?" The man slowly lowered his staff and watched him warily.
"Who are you, blondie? I am Malideus, Scourge of Ponykind, and I am NOT intimidated by your suit!" The Choten laughed at that. "You can call me The Choten."

The Sisters Grim hung back from the others, watching. "Who are these people..." The tall, greenish one stepped forwards, hand outstretched. They looked down on him. "Hello. I am Yoshimitsu." The distorted voice screeched through their eardrums like a saw through flesh. Elizabeth hesitantly put a hand out. "...Nice to meet you." He grasped her hand and cheerfully pumped it up and down. "Splendid! Most excellent! Now, shall we enter the castle together, my dears?" Victoria raised an eyebrow behind her mask. "Are you trying to hit on us?" Yoshimitsu nodded. "Yes. Yes I am. Either that or I've been in a stone closet for a thousand years, and I've just come out."

Everfree Castle Interior.

Darth Vulcan sniffed the air of the castle. It smelled old and mildewy. "What we have here, guys, is a real fixer-upper." He joked, but the ancient quality of the castle overwhelmed him. He nudged a suit of old armour distractedly. It fell over with a loud clang and everybody turned round to stare at him. "...What?" They said nothing.

Eventually, they came into a hall. Nick looked around, removing his beanie and wiping the sweat off of his brow. "Phew, it's nice to finally find a place with seats." Darth Vulcan nodded; he'd never exercised very stringently before he'd left and he wasn't planning to now. Solaire and Yoshimitsu didn't seem to be affected by walking for hours. The Fat Friar sat down, wiping his brow. "How on earth aren't you two very tired out?" In unison, they said: "Running." The Fat Friar nodded sagely. "Ah so."

Darth Vulcan looked out over the small group of humans here. Since nobody seemed to be confident, he stood up and spoke.
"Okay, right... so we have an animate suit of armour, a knight, some fat dude dressed as a monk, some mechanical ninja, an evil sorcerer warrior, twin sisters in skull masks, a normal guy, a blonde in a suit and me, the totally metal Darth Vader guy. Alright, we're getting somewhere. Now, before we start trying to get back home again and forgetting about this miserable chapter of our lives, does anybody have any questions?" His gravelly, villainy voice boomed through the small group. Said 'mechanical ninja' stood up.

"Yeah, I just realised something. Where's Tobi?" Nobody seemed to register that. He elaborated. "You know, six foot tall, spiky black hair, orange swirly mask with one eyehole? Long black coat with red cloud designs?" The group, as a whole, murmured no. He sagged. "Great. Who wants to help me find the guy before he gets himself into trouble?" Darth Vulcan snorted. "That guy who was hella annoying? I'm sure that he won't annoy anything TOO dangerous." Just then, said human quickly ran into the meeting area, running as if the hounds of hell were after him. He stopped and stared at the group.

"Wow, there're a lot of people here." He then turned to Yoshimitsu. "Sempai, something big's coming our way!" Yoshimitsu rubbed his eyes. "I knew it. Goddamn it, I knew it. Alright, Tobi, what the fuck did you do this ti-" With a crash, the door slammed through, and stepping into their midst was a gigantic demon. It stood ten feet tall, dwarfing every human there. It wore black armour decorated with skulls, which seemed to stare into everybody's soul. Its head was elongated, covered in a black helmet that was similarly decorated with skulls. Its cape of skulls billowed out behind it, and its yellow eyes were devoid of anything resembling pity, remorse, or kindness. It also had a joint the size of God shoved up its nose. The monstrous demon focused on Tobi, and in an echoing voice, spake thus:
"I am going to destroy you, you little shit!" Tobi screamed and ran, demon following him.
"I'M SORRY! DON'T KILL ME!" The demon swung a mighty arm in his general direction, but Tobi phased through the blow and watched it crash into the opposite wall. He immediately clasped his hands together, and tree roots snagged the demon's arms, tightening around them as he tried to pull free.

Seeing this seemed to snap the other humans out of inaction. The Fat Friar slammed the beast with a fireball, which barely singed the huge demon. It growled in annoyance, before being hit by a blast of lightning that emanated from the sword of Dullahan.
"Fulminous Strike." The confident note in his telepathic voice wasn't well founded, as he was soon punched across the room, impacting with the wall on the opposite side. He slumped, the demon's fist having dented his chest plate.
"...Okay, give me ten minutes and this fucker's dead." He focused, but the demon had heard that.
"Can't let you do that!" With that, the huge demon attacked, but-
"Element swap, Venus! Retreat!"
-Dullahan teleported away to places unknown. The huge demon grunted, before it was hit by a shadowy arrow. It looked at the black projectile in annoyance. Yoshimitsu took the time to strafe past with his glowing green sword, cutting at the armour but only causing a minor scratch, that the Skulltaker ignored in favour of the arrow that dissipated off of his chest plate.
"You thought THIS would harm me?" Victoria grinned, shadowy bow still in hand.
"No, not really... but this one will!" She loosed another arrow, spiralling towards the beasts' head...
Only for it to just stick on the skin, where it pulled it out after a moment. Victoria gaped in shock.
"FOOLS! YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN BEST U'ZHUHL THE SKULLTAKER WITH A BOW AND ARROW?!" It bellowed, shaking the very foundations of the castle.

Shunk.
The Skulltaker was shocked that something had managed to penetrate his armour. He looked at the projectile- a wooden spike with a faintly distorted aura about it. U'Zhuhl stared at it in shock and confusion.
"What the...?" He roared in pain as it suddenly branched out, lacerating his gut from the inside. Tobi panted. "Alright, now for the finale! WOOD RELEASE: WOODEN STOCKS!" Wood sprouted from the floor, forming stocks around the beasts arms and legs, binding it still. It struggled, but as it kept struggling, the wood just kept regrowing, and his struggles grew weaker. Eventually, U'Zhuhl was incapacitated, though still struggling. Yoshimitsu looked at it. "Now would be the perfect time to end this creature's life." He drew his sword, which glowed with a green light.

"No." Everybody stared at The Choten and Malideus, who had avoided the fight. Malideus spoke next. "Do none of you recognise the name that it just said?" At the general shaking heads, Malideus face palmed. "Honestly, that thing is from Warhammer 40k. It's a miracle that your... thingie was even able to pierce it!" Yoshimitsu turned to him indignantly.
"I will have you know that Wind Release is capable of cutting on the cellular level. Plus, that was a damn sharp stick in the first place." Tobi nodded, proudly. Darth Vulcan shook his head. "Regardless, he's a valuable ally. I propose that we befriend this one; he'll be a valuable ally." U'Zuhl chuckled. "You believe that you can order ME around? I am U'Zuhl, the Skulltaker-"

The Choten interrupted. "-Who was defeated by the guy who shoved a joint up your nose." U'Zuhl grunted in annoyance. "HE CHEATED! He had help from his friend, the green one." Yoshimitsu nodded. "Considering that your armour withstood one of my sword blows with only a minor scratch, I'd say that our teamwork was a good idea." Darth Vulcan clapped his hands together. "Yes. U'zuhl, may I assume that you were originally human?" The huge demon looked at him. "Damn right I am. I used to be human, then this Alicorn Amulet thingy comes through my television. I then get into my U'zuhl costume and fall into a pit of fucking rainbows. Now, I'm ten feet tall and sound like an echoing demon. Funny what life does to you." Darth Vulcan narrowed his eyes. "No, that's not the Alicorn Amulet. What I have bolted to my armour is the Alicorn Amulet." U'Zuhl looked at it. "Could I have a mirror, please? It's hanging between my horns." Tobi concentrated, and a mirror warped into existence in his hand. He held it up, and the demon squinted at his reflection. "...A fucking CHAOS STAR?! My day just got a whole lot more badass." Tobi nodded. "So, I'm sorry about the whole 'joint in the nose thing.' Are you prepared to let bygones be bygones, man?" The demon glared at him. "SORRY?! YOU SHOVE A JOINT THE SIZE OF GOD UP MY NOSE, AND YOU SAY SORRY?!" He fumed for a while, and Tobi scuttled away from him. Then, the demon grinned. "APOLOGY ACCEPTED!"

The roar that came from his mouth bowled Tobi over. He then rose up, dusting himself off. "Alright, I'm letting you out of the stocks now. But Yoshimitsu and I can put you back in them if we need to." With that, he flicked his fingers into positions, and the stocks opened, allowing the demon to rise to his full height. He glared at Tobi, then grudgingly let the matter drop; he wasn't used to his body yet. Darth Vulcan looked over the group, then realised an important question that nobody seemed to have thought of. "Excellent. Now then, does this place have plumbing? Because I believe that I am going to need a toilet soon." Solaire shook his head. "There's a garderobe designed for Alicorns, but mostly there's a pit." Darth Vulcan shook his head. "I am NOT crapping in a GODDAMN PIT!" Tobi tapped his chin in thought. "Well, we do know one guy who could build plumbing..." He trailed off. Darth Vulcan was hooked. He leaned forwards."WHO." Tobi thought, then clicked his fingers. "Invention-sempai."

Canterlot Caves.

Invention felt a shiver run down his spine, and he felt cold. Somewhere, somebody had doom written for him, and it certainly wasn't Celestia; she was too nice for that. Beside him, Abyss had noticed his sudden shock. "What's wrong with you?" He shook his head; he was most certainly overreacting. "It's probably nothing. It might be Tobi, though..." He shuddered at the memory of the man. Abyss looked at that shudder. "Friend of yours?"
Invention shook his head. "Oh, god no. I met him while I was imprisoned in stone. He was completely mad, but he did talk to everybody. Unfortunately, that insanity got in the way of just about anything rational. He was a stoner of the highest degree, and a Narutard of considerable knowledge." He shuddered. "Thank God he doesn't know where to find me."

Everfree Castle.

"Where is this Invention?"
"Oh, Vulcan-kohai, I think that he is in the Canterlot Cave System. He told us about his home there; it's in one of the train tunnels!" Darth Vulcan nodded, then paused. "Kohai?" Tobi nodded. "Yes. You see, I'm technically over a thousand years older than you are, so you are my inferior. My kohai, in other words. I am your superior, or sempai." Darth Vulcan just stared. "Whatever. Now, find him and get him to do plumbing for us-" Yoshimitsu interrupted him. "Sorry, Vulcan, but Invention won't do anything without being paid for it. That's his way." Darth Vulcan growled. "Fine. We find money, we give him a lot, and we pay him. Any ideas on where to find money?"

Dullahan spoke up this time. "Vulcan, I do believe that I have a suggestion. I've been looking around, and I've discovered something interesting; there's a dragon nearby, with a large hoard of gold and jewels." Malideus looked at the suit of armour. "Was it female and purple?" The armour clinked and clanked for a bit.
"No, it was green and male. Also very big; I was almost added to its hoard, but I escaped." Darth Vulcan glared at the other humans. "You heard the armour, we have a dragon to kill."

BE A MAN!

Tobi and Yoshimitsu waved the intrepid party of dragon killers off and on their way. After drawing lots as to who would have the honour of killing the dragon, it was decided that Darth Vulcan would go, with the Sisters Grim, the Fat Friar and Dullahan as backup. Then again, if a dragon required an inanimate suit of armour with a lightning sword, a man with an incredibly powerful magical artifact, and two crazy women with bizarre magical powers to beat the everliving shit out of it, then it wasn't worth their time.

Malideus, Nick, U'zhuhl and the Choten looked at their fellow humans. Neither of them seemed particularly sane... or rational. Tobi and Yoshimitsu turned to them. "Oh, hey, Malideus. What magical asskicking powers do you have?"

Malideus started to sweat. "Um, I have none."

Mizzi (as the others knew her) pulled at his arm. "Well, I'll have to take you to meet my uncle, since we have mated. He might even give you magic if he's in a good enough mood! Plus, I think that I might need sexy time later."

"Ew." the other four humans chorused. Malideus had the dignity to look ashamed with himself (as far as they could tell from his drooping shoulders.)

As he left, being pulled along by an enthusiastic Mizzy, Tobi turned to Yoshimitsu. "Sempai, how long do you give him without any magic with that attitude?"

Yoshimitsu ran a hand over his jaw. "I give him maybe five minutes, then he pleads for his life from Purple Smart."

"Sempai?"

"Yes?"

"I think we should give him chakra power."

Yoshimitsu nodded. "He's a liability otherwise. We'd better practice on Keith."

Keith backed away, holding his hands out in front of him. "Whoa, hey, hold on-"

Yoshimitsu grabbed him and pinned him to the floor without ceremony. Tree roots sprouted, holding him tight. Yoshimitsu stroked his face. "Ssh."

He then turned around. "Alright, we need a dozen eggs, a watermelon or apples, donuts, and whipped cream."

Tobi saluted. "Aye aye, sir!" With a distorting whirl around his eyehole, he disappeared for parts unknown. The Choten watched Keith struggle. "Hey, Choten, help me!"

The Choten shook his head. "I'm good, thanks. Besides, I've got my own summoning powers."
The ring on his finger pulsed in agreement. Compared to its other host, this one was quite stable. It was working on strengthening its connection without killing or having its host killed, and these other beings would serve as fine meatshields should conflict arise. The barrier between worlds was fractured and fragile, and these other beings would only worsen the situation.

Canterlot Gardens.

Meanwhile, Jack of Blades was having a fine day- he'd retrieved his mask, put the power of the Alicorn Amulet into it, and there were some eviscerated guards lying strewn all over the gardens he was in. Life was good.

Jack looked at the other shattered statues around him. "So, the other guys got out already, huh. Well," here he broke into a vicious grin beneath his mask, "time to pay them a visit."

Corvo's Organisations' headquarters, Canterlot

Corvo looked over his rather dilipated organisation. "Alright, so does anypony here know anything about the Fat Friar?"

One mare shakily raised a hoof. "Um, he's fat?" There was a titter of nervous laughter at that.

Corvo massaged his temples. "Aside from that, I meant. What are his powers, that sort of thing."

Another one stepped forwards. "Well, he did have some pretty powerful elemental spells. And he did have a staff."

"Okay, that's good. So, most of those in the statues didn't mean much harm, but there might be those who want it. Jack of Blades, in particular, is exceedingly dangerous. I'll have to meet with my fellow humans, This organisation will stay out of it until I give the all-okay."

"Understood, sir!" They chorused, fervour evident in every syllable. Corvo smiled behind his mask. They'd served him faithfully, even telling him about this human. Still, if it came right down to it, he wasn't sure that he would be able to kill Jack when the time came. Bastard was tough, after all.

Mizzeletta's Cave, Everfree Forest

Malideus looked at the huge Nicol Bolas in awe... and more than a little bit of fear.
Oh God I'm going to die.
"So, what kind of wizard are you?"

He wracked his brains. "Um... I'm an earth magician?" Nicol snorted.

"Earth is hard, unyielding. You're not a real one. Go to the two idiots; they will teach you how to be a real Earth user. Until then," here he tapped Malideus' head, "I strongly advise you to never leave my niece. It wouldn't be healthy for you."

"U-understood."

As Mizzy hugged him tightly, all he could think was, I have to talk with those two idiots?

The cave of the Green Dragon

Darth Vulcan looked over his compatriots. "Alright, who knows anything about dragons?"

Solaire shrugged. "I only know that you have to cut their tails off to gain the power."

Darth Vulcan ignored that advice. "Anything else?"

"Pretty goddamn big. AND they can breath fire. Plus, they're practically immune to all forms of magic and fire. They bathe in lava."

"...damn, and here I was thinking that this world was all made up of fucking pushovers."

The Fat Friar chuckled. "Oh, this world's got its own nasties. Just because it looks like Eden doesn't mean that there aren't any snakes."

Solaire raised his staff, black crystals forming on the end. "Regardless! One Humanity crystal shall make this much easier to deal with!"

Darth Vulcan shook his head. "No, it isn't epic enough. Instead, let's let Dullahan beat it up, and we'll provide backup if necessary."
"It would be so much easier to simply use the Humanity."

Just then, three mangy dog-like creatures popped their heads up. "Weird creatures have shinies!" As one man...dog...thing, they pounced, intent on acquiring shinies.

The ensuing battle lasted all of five seconds. Darth Vulcan slammed their heads together. "Right, you're our minions now. Got that?"

Dullahan waved his hands. Whoa, hold up, we got a badass over here!

"Overused meme is bad, and you should feel bad. Now then," here he turned to their new 'minions,' "Here's what I want you to do. You go back with the Fat Friar, meet the rest of our group. You serve all of us now. We'll kill the dragon here."

The tallest, bulkiest dog shakily raised a paw. "Is New Alpha saying that he will fight dragon? IS good! Alpha get more minions that way!" With that, they scampered off, Fat Friar leading them enthusiastically.

Darth Vulcan watched them go off. "Well, alright then. Now, we have a dragon to kill."

With that, they charged in, with a mighty roar, awaiting their destinies.

The huge dragon lying around looked up disinterestedly. It then got slammed with a fireball roughly the size of a house. As it blinked off the sheer shock that somebody had actually tried to burn it, it was hit with an arc of lightning. Its eyes focused on the suit of armour that had escaped it, now striking it with lightning. With a deep breath, it inhaled fire and spat it out. Another creature swung its stick at the dragon's head, which it barely felt.

All they were doing was being annoying. Before it could even open its mouth, it was shanked in the head. The other humans looked up at the new arrival, a man in a hood and a white mask.
"Hello, fellow humans."

Everfree Castle
"Sempai, I got the goods." Tobi also held up a rather battered grey toy with blue and white polka-dotted pants. "Also got this."
Yoshimitsu nodded, having already stripped down to his boxer shorts and mask. "Alright, Tobi. let's do this thing."
Keith, still tied down, watched his captors come up with some bizarre ritual to torment him. First, Yoshimitsu cut the watermelons open, and squidged his hand around the inside, pulping the fruit. Tobi did the same thing. Then, they smashed eggs on Keith.
"What the hell are you fuckers doing? Stop that!" He struggled even more while Tobi and Yoshimitsu chucked eggs at themselves. Eventually, Yoshimitsu laid a hand on Keith's forehead. "And now, I give you... CHAKRA POWER!"

Yoshimitsu roared a mighty roar and Keith screamed as the power flowed from Yoshimitsu's arm into his skull, lighting his brain on fire. He struggled for a brief time, then subsided. Yoshimitsu checked him over. "Well, I can't believe that worked."
U'zhuhl stared at them in disbelief. "Wait, you weren't even sure if that would work?"
Yoshimitsu shrugged. "it might have killed him, or turned him into a frog, or who knows what else? It works now, so we'll have to give our love and chakra power to everybody now. Except for you, big guy. You healing crazy fast."

Author's Note

This is as much as I could do before I realised what kind of task I was doing. Though I dislike doing so, I have to cancel it. This fic is like pushing a boulder up a hill. It was fun while it lasted.

Non-canon Chapter: The Beating of Xenolestia.

Author's Note

Here you go! What this non-canon chapter was mainly based off of.
That fic is better than this chapter, I'll say that much. Like, it's better than everything else I've written. It has a tv tropes page. I want a tv tropes page.
WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS: GORE
VIOLENT SWEARING.
THE USE OF THE 'N' WORD BY A WHITE PERSON.
XENOLESTIA.
GORE
AL GORE
USE OF THE WORD 'HO' BY A PIMP-WIZARD
GORE 2: THE GORENING
USE OF THE WORDS 'CUNT,' 'COCK,' AND 'JIZZ WIZARD.'
AND STUDIO GAINAX REFERENCES.
AND LOTS OF GORE.

KEEP OUT OF REACH OF SMALL CHILDREN.

I get the feeling that with this chapter will come a shit-tonne of downvotes and asshats yelling in the comments. I can hardly wait.

Non-canon Chapter: The Beating of Xenolestia.

It was humanity's darkest hour. President Walters, of the united States, and its second black president, elected for his foul mouth and his liberal love of guns, stared gloomily at the magical purple barrier. Ever since the ponies had appeared, the thing had only advanced. When it was made clear that they meant harm, and that Celestia was the most horrible person since Hitler, the governments of Earth had agreed on one thing: they were going to fuck. That bitch. Up.

Secret weapon projects had been put into motion, but it was all for naught- human technology simply couldn't cross the barrier. President Walters sighed. He didn't want to have to do this, but it was time. He picked up the gun, putting it in his mouth.

Just then, a knight dressed in a white tabard and a bucket-shaped helmet came tumbling in from a bright yellow portal in the air. He stumbled around, before focusing on the shocked President Walters. "Oh, my word. PRAISE THE SUN!" It posed in an awesome way, hands upstretched. Walters stared at him.

"Who the hell are you?" The knight tipped his head.
"The name is Solaire of Astora, Knight of Sunlight, adherent to Lord Gwyn. And you are?"

President Walters regained his composure. "My name is President Walters, of the United States. Now, how did you get in here?"

"I teleported." The man said it so simply that Walters almost believed him.

President Walters chuckled. "Yeah, I'm just hallucinating now, ain't I?"

"You're not hallucinating, we're really here." President Walters whipped around, to see a figure like Metal Darth Vader just standing there, idly looking at the desk. "This is a lot smaller than the news reports told me it was, huh."

"Who are you?"

"Darth Vulcan. I already heard."

"SEMPAI, WE'RE HOME!"

"We're not home, we're in America."

President Walters just stared at the men who'd appeared out of nowhere. "How... what... who..."

The orange masked figure turned to President Walters. "HI! Name's Tobi, and my tall friend here is Yoshimitsu."

"Pleased to meet you, Mr President."

Walters stumbled for words.

"We're back home, Victoria..."

"It's unbelievable, I know..."

Now there were women wearing skull masks walking around like they owned the damn place. Well, he was going completely crazy. he laughed, before pressing his panic button. Security would be here within mere moments.

"Hi there." He turned around, to a grinning mouth filled with sharp teeth, in a dark grey face with glowing yellow eyes. He shat himself and jumped backwards. Finally, the CIA broke in-

Well, they were thrown in.

"FUCKING BITCHES, LEARN YOUR PLACE!" A twelve foot tall demon barged in, with a five foot five suit of armour following suit.
Did you really have to do that, U'zuhl?"
"I do whatever I damn well want! I'm the Skulltaker, damnit!"

President Walters now pissed himself. He then tried to get some grip on the situation. "WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?"

"Merely humans, or, rather, were human." He turned to the teenager in a steampunk suit, idly toying with a pocket watch. He glared at this newest arrival. He was going completely out of his gourd, wasn't he?

"Hello." A masked man waved at him. Another man, wearing a skull mask and a hood, dropped from the ceiling and stalked away from the group. A fat man popped behind him, grinning as he ate the Presidents bagel.

"You have no idea how long it's been since I've had a bagel."

Finally, an evil sorcerer and a blond man in a black suit appeared in a flash of black flames. They brushed soot off of their shoulders. The wizard was the one to speak, while the blonde man kept to the shadows. "Alright, now we're back! We can forget about Equestria, and live like kings!" There was a general cheer about the room. President Walters shook his head.

"You've been to Equestria?" As one, they nodded. He grinned.
"Oh, that's good! Really, really good! Now," here he got crafty, "have you heard of the Tyrant Sun?"

None of them answered. Finally, Solaire stepped forwards. "We're from fourteen different Equestrias, so no, we haven't."

"Different... Equestrias?" This development threw Walters considerably.

Solaire nodded. "You see, it's commonly accepted multiverse theory. There're literally billions of different Equestria's out there. We just got fourteen different ones, that's all."

"Right... now then, do you know about our situation at all?"

The man in the suit pointed out of the window. "Does it have something to do with the magical-ass barrier thing over yonder?"

"Yes. It's The Barrier. No human or anything human made can cross the barrier. And it's growing. Not even human pollution is spared."

Malideus shook his head. "Is that the best name you could come up with? Wow, you're a moron. The Barrier! Why not call it something else, like... The Eradicator! Something that sounds cool!"

President Walters pinched his nose. Something was off here... "How old are you under that mask?"

Malideus nodded. "Eighteen."
Darth Vulcan flipped his visor up, displaying a pimply face with glowing eyes. "Sixteen."
"Twenty-five." Tobi and Yoshimitsu chorused.
The man in the suit brushed his suit off. "Twenty-one."
"We can't remember." The twins chorused in unision.
"Over two thousand years old." The masked man replied.
The armour simply said, One thousand and five hundred years old.
The gargantuan demon boomed in its echoing voice, "Twenty."

President Walters' mouth flew open. How could people so young and old be in the same group? Unthinkable.

Suddenly, they all stood up straighter. "Right, where's Celestia? She can probably stop this."

President Walters shook his head. "No. She's the one behind it all."

"WHAT?!" They yelled in unison, damn near deafening him.

"Yeah. A couple of years ago, Equestria appears, and the ponies are all friendly and stuff. Wasn't until the barrier started spreading that their true intentions were revealed. Celestia wants to exterminate the human race by turning them into Newfoals!"

The masked man waved his hands. "Whoa, back up. What the hell are 'Newfoals?"

President Walters turned to the window in order to be dramatic. "Basically, the ponies have this potion. They throw it at you, you become a pony. But you're shackled, in soul and mind. No violent thoughts, nothing useful, just praise Celestia as the best thing since, sliced bread and democracy. "

Tobi squinted at him. "Are you quoting somebody, yank?"

"...yes."

Solaire nodded. "Very well! Let us engage in jolly co-operation!"

"Yeah. I mean, hell, we've beaten Celestia before, this'll be a cakewalk with all sixteen of us."

At this, something snapped in Walters. "YOU THINK THAT THIS IS LIKE A MUTHER-FUCKING GAME?! The Tyrant Sun will turn you into mutherfucking ashes before you can get a mutherfucking bitch mutherfucking word out of your cock-eating mouths!"

"...wow, are you related to Samuel L. Jackson by any chance?"
"No, I'm not." Something about that last statement struck him. "Hang on... you're saying that you can beat Celestia?"

Malideus thumbed him up, leaning on his staff. "If it has an ass, we can kick it."

"But how will you get past the barrier?"

Tobi and Yoshimitsu grinned. "Since we've been to Equestria before, it's pretty obvious that we can cross the barrier. Now, what do you want us to do, exactly?"

President Walters grinned darkly. "If you're as good as you say you are, then I want you to go to Equestria, free the Newfoals, cover the place in fucking marijuana, and stick your cock into the Tyrant Sun's butt. And take pictures as well."

"Okay." With a flash of yellow light, they were gone. President Walters blinked.
"...wait, I didn't actually mean that."

Later, in Equestria:

Solaire teleported into a Re-Education camp, with an explosion of light and sound, being the awesome guy that he was.
"Humanity for EVERYBODY!" Before the unicorn guards could react to him, he threw Humanity everywhere. The Newfoals, not sure what to make of this sudden development, just let the Humanity crystals touch them. A couple of minutes later, they were humans.
"How are we even alive right now?"
"Who cares? These gay-ass candy niggers don't have weapons!" An uptight business man yelled, grabbing a guard and strangling him with his bare hands. The rest of the humans followed suit, not caring about being naked in Equestria.

Solaire smiled. A couple of unicorns tried to attack, but with a wave of his staff, Humanity crystals sprouted in them. Over their screams, he took a picture with an Equestrian camera. "That'll teach him to ask us to do the impossible."

The Royal Guard army centres were the most secure areas in the whole of Equestria, particularly where Spike the dragon was imprisoned. Spike was chained up, subject to unimaginable tortures. He cracked an eye open when he saw his door just open from sheer brute force. A young human in a top hat, along with hhis companion, a human male in a skull mask, stared at the huge dragon.
"Wow, that took a lot of explosives. You okay big fella? Wait, that's a stupid question, of course you're not alright." He turned to the shadows. "Alright, let's get this big ol' dragon outta here. Every pony here's either dead or converted to a human, so we're going pretty good." Spike shut his eyes. Right, obviously hallucinating again.

Abyss looked around her. The very few ponies who weren't human were now converted to chunky meat salsa on the walls. She grinned, teeth bloody. "Take that, you fucking hypocrites." Corvo nodded, wiping his blades clean. One pony was still alive, and tried to scamper off, but a flaming skull attack blew his head completely off. "Those who try to claim perfection are little more than trash. We've committed war crimes, true. But at least we know that we've done war crimes."

Tobi and Yoshimitsu took their photos, then high-fived. The entirety of the Equestrian plains were covered in marijuana. Beneath them, the plants were soaking in the blood of several platoons of the Royal Guard. It would make wonderful fertiliser for generations to come.
"What say we do our civic duty and dispose of this grass later?"
"That sounds like an awesome idea sempai!"
"Later bro. We still have to kill Uber-bitch herself."
"Aw, Jizz-wazard."

The Choten watched impassively as the summoned eels tore apart ponies in a glorious dance of death. Beside him, Jack of Blades had found a Royal Guard.
"Hey, Choten. How long do you think a pony can live without skin?" Without waiting for an answer, he flicked his sword expertly, and the now skinless pony was released, to crawl away and spread his blood everywhere. Jack then threw his sword at the pony's hind hoof, causing a spray of blood that pleased him immensely. "That's right, you fucking asshole. I bet you threw a lot of potions at the human race, huh? Huh? Hiding behind this barrier like the bitches you fucking are. Well, humanity's here, and we're kicking ass and taking names!"

The Grim Sisters looked at the scorched landscape. Once, it was known as 'Manehatten.' Now, it was known as a wasteland.
"Sister?"
"Yes?"
Victoria gripped her shadowy bow tighter. "I thought I hated ponies. I was wrong. NOW I hate them."
She loosed a stream of arrows into a guard, until you couldn't even see his flesh anymore, just saw the blood seeping out. "What I felt before was mild dislike."
"You know something?" Elizabeth rubbed her chin. On either side of her, there were several members of the guard, struggling, slowly cooked alive by her ember magic.
"I feel the same way."

U'Zuhl only knew the hunt now. It was in his blood. A puny unicorn mage was torn apart. Guards in armour threw spears at him that bounced off of his mighty flesh. He gripped them, tearing off their heads.
"BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!"
Behind him, a mountain of pony corpses grew higher and higher as he sacrificed them to his dark god.

Dullahan and the Fat Friar watched impassively as the massive storm they'd conjured swept the land.
"Let air cleanse from this land the sins of Celestia."
If that doesn't work, then let water finish the job.
With a wave of their weapons, the tidal waves off the coast rose higher and higher, before collapsing on the towns. The Newfoals had been spared. The regular ponies... not so much.
"Be consigned to Davy Jones' locker."
And if you're not dead, then this will definitely kill you. Element Swap, Venus! DEVASTATION!
With that, the earth around the towns crumbled, destroying them entirely.
"Ah, but we can't risk Celestia retrieving any crops." With a wave of his staff, the fields were set ablaze with brown fire.

Darth Vulcan and Malideus looked over their troops. Malideus leaned on his staff. "Man, I think that it's time we fucked the Tyrant Bitch in the asshole."
"Agreed."

Queen Celestia trembled with rage as she looked at the reports. Humans invading the barrier? Subverting her power? Freeing the traitor dragon Spike? KILLING HER PONIES?
Theywereyours.
Nottheirstokill.
Killthemandtaketheirpower.
Celestia nodded. Donning the Bag of Tirek, she prepared to devastate the human scum. How DARE they even think of resisting?! Ponykind was perfection itself! It was-

Suddenly, she felt the presence of immense magic. Her eyes shot open as she felt the waves of power crash into her like a typhoon. This power... it was as if they were alicorns themselves! She grinned, irises shrinking. But this was some sort of trick, as mere humans couldn't match the perfection that was ponykind, for they were nothing but stinking apes! She'd destroy them, then display their corpses in front of those miserable humans who still tried to resist Harmony.

She flew out gracefully, landing there. There were a mere thirteen beings here? How utterly pathetic.
"So, you've attacked us. Haven't you proven my point already?" The one dressed as an evil sorceror shook his head.
"No, you stupid cunt, we are retaliating against your forced brainwashing."
"Forced?" She adopted a hurt expression. "It is only what is best for your species. You don't have the magic of a unicorn-"
"Actually, we have magic right now, otherwise we'd be puddles of goop right now."
She glared at him. "You can't fly-"
"Why would we need to fly when we have magic?"
"AND YOU ARE NOT AS STRONG AS ANY EARTH PONY?!"
Humans had pushed her to her breaking point. Therefore, it was the humans' fault, as ponies were superior and humans were inferior. The two women who'd been commenting on it didn't seem fazed at all. She'd stop that. She flared her horn, intent on transmuting them all to ashes with the intense heat of the sun-

Suddenly, a knife was flung through her neck. It barely fazed her on the surface, but on the inside she was screaming in shock. Her spell was disrupted, and she lost her focus, allowing a sword to neatly sever her wings.
HOW?!
HOW COULD AN APE SURPRISE A GOD?!
"HA!" She turned around, to the mysterious intruder, who waved at her cheekily. "Hiya! Sorry we were late, but we had to deal with your little honour guard. Purple Smart, Bubba, Pinkie, Dyke, Fabulous and What's-her-face."
The demonic creature behind him explained. "You see, we wanted to avoid a corrupted use of the Elements of Harmony on your orders. So, we slipped a Humanity crystal into their food. Right now, they're buck naked and tied to the rooftops. Funny thing is, they're all begging to be killed. Something about 'mind-control?' You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"

KILLTHEMALL
THEYTHREATENHARMONY
KILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILL
SKULLFUCKTHEIRCORPSES
LEAVENOSURVIVORS
DESTROYTHEFILTHYAPES.

"SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!"

A huge, twelve-foot tall demon appeared from the sky near the orange-masked lunatic. "Oh, I forgot to mention. This guy's practically unkillable." She glared at him.
"I DON'T CARE! BOW BEFORE ME, FILTHY HUMANS! I AM A GODDESS, AND YOU SHOULD KISS THE GROUND I WALK ON-"

The demon grabbed her tail, and slammed her into the pavement several times. It then spat on her dazed body. 'Puny god."

When she got up, the one in black armour clobbered her to the ground and started punching her in the face.
"YOU STINKING BITCH! I'LL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS IF I HAVE TO!" She tried to summon a spell, but a wayward punch to her horn sent her gasping in unexpected pain.
He was torn off by the sorceror.
"Let others have a turn, dude! Seriously."
He picked up his staff, and waved it. Pillars of earth surrounded the Princess, and the black armoured one summoned a rubber ball into existence around her horn, thus cancelling out all of her magic. Malideus then extended his hands, clasping them in prayer.
"Now, before I do this, let me say the Pimp's Prayer: Oh, Lord, pray for the soul of this bitch, and guide my pimp hand and make it strong, Lord, so that this ho might learn a ho's place. Amen."
"Amen."

Malideus reared back, and his pimp hand gathered power, until it seemed to take up the entire universe. The resulting pimp slap was so awesome, so powerful, that the ground shook, and all across Earth, hos everywhere felt its force, slamming them into walls willy-nilly.

Solaire stepped forwards. "Guys, I have an idea. How about an ironic punishment?"
Tobi and Yoshimitsu nodded. "Yep, irony sounds pretty good."
Corvo nodded. "No problems on my end. Do it."

Solaire nodded. As Celestia looked at him through a haze of pain, he threw a Humanity crystal in her face. Before the transformation, though, he took a picture. "Well, I think that we won this bet, guys. Who's up for donuts?"

"YEAH!"

Later, back on Earth:

President Walters looked through the photos. "Holy shit." He looked up at the conquering heroes. "You motherfuckers actually did it. Thanks to you, Earth is saved-"

"Actually, about that? Well, me and the guys have been talking, and well," here Darth Vulcan cracked his knuckles, "you're not saved, so much as under new management."

President Walters stared at them. "Fuck."

Later:

"So let me get this straight." Marcus looked at the giant statue of fourteen humans, a demon and a suit of armour.
"The world is under the control of of tame fascists, at least two of which are teenagers."
President Walters nodded. "Yes."
"Who are each powerful of beating Celestia."
"Oh, yes."
"Although the world leaders are still around, you're basically puppets and they run the show."
"Yeah, hard to object with people who can effortlessly blow up tanks."
"What have they done?"

President Walters pulled out a folder, entitled, Things that the League has done.
"Well, let's see... Tobi and Yoshimitsu had marijuana legalised."
Marcus raised an eyebrow.
"Solaire founded a religious order. The Sisters Grim and U'zuhl are being kept far away from people. Invention has been working on a giant robot. Dullahan and the Fat Friar have been taking a vacation."

Meanwhile, in Hawaii.

Dullahan stared at the practically naked women around him.
...I miss being alive.
The Fat Friar next to him just watched with an appreciative eye. "It's good to be back."

Back in America:

"This one known as The Choten is teaching us how to summon giant monsters to fight with. Malideus and Darth Vulcan have decided to rule the world with an iron fist. There was one called Keith, but what he's doing with his life is unknown."

Meanwhile, somewhere else in America.

"Officer, are you aware that I could blow up your head with a thought? Yes? Good, then no ticket."

Back to Marcus:

"As for Jack of Blades, he's in Mexico, with a lifetime supply of marijuana and an endless stream of hookers to keep him from murdering everything."
"Anything we can do?"
"Nothing. These clowns beat up a god, and all we can really do in this situation is hope that they don't take it into their heads to abuse their power even more."

Suddenly, Malideus burst through the wall. "Piggy-back ride now."
President Walters sighed. "I thought this wasn't for another hour." But he willingly bent over to allow Malideus to get on.
"Whoa, you can't do this."
Malideus looked at him.
"Oh, hello. You're Marcus, right? Good to see you. Here, have a medal." With that, Malideus unleashed the pimp slap that pierced the heavens. Literally; Marcus was thrown into the upper atmosphere with that pimp slap.

"And that's how Equestria was made!" Everypony looked at Pinkie Pie as if she'd just drank espresso.
"Pinkie, that was barely related to Equestria at all."

Establishing the setting- Prologue.

Author's Note

A note here: I am accepting NO MORE crossovers. Just a heads-up. This is insane enough without MORE people joining in.
Still, just because you're not here doesn't mean we think any less of you. It's just that I am writing for 13 different authors, not including myself, so it's going to be difficult. So sorry.

Please, PM me if you are included here- give me details, powers, limitations, phobias, interesting bits of trivia. I do mean EVERYTHING.

Establishing the setting- Prologue.

3000 years ago, the first humans appeared in Equestria. Then, about 1,500 years ago, the Era of Mankind first started in Equestria. At least, that was what Invention called it.

3000 years ago, two human women appeared in Equestria, and caused much destruction before being imprisoned by the Elements of Harmony. Then, 1,500 years ago, Invention and the creature known as Dullahan appeared in Equestria, as a result of the tampering of Faust, the mother of Celestia and Luna. She felt that they needed a way to test their abilities. So, she threw artefacts through the multiverse. Most were destroyed. Several landed on Earth, influencing those who had the qualities that these artefacts desired. Often, they thought that they were choosing the artefact, but in actuality, it was the artefact that had chosen them.
Ambition was a major one, but sometimes, the artefacts chose complete curveballs. Invention was one of those. Toby and Josh, who arrived later, were another example of such curveballs.

When Invention arrived and wreaked havoc, Celestia and Luna were not prepared, not aggressive. But they froze him in stone, never to return to the world of ponies. Or so they hoped, for a mere 302 years later, the human known as Corvo Attano appeared. While their interactions with him are a mystery at this present time, but he was sealed in stone as well. For a time, there was peace. Then, 248 years later, the ones known as Tobi and Yoshimitsu flashed into existence. They caused chaos, and freed the mad god Discord on accident. In the end, both of them were petrified. The Princesses were not surprised when, 26 years later, the knight of the sun, Solaire of Astoria appeared. Five years later, he was captured, and a further twenty years after him, the human called Jack of Blades wreaked havoc for the Princesses.

Each and every human who appeared had, eventually, descended to villainous impulses, both unintentionally and on purpose. Princess Celestia, after banishing her sister, enjoyed 998 years of peace. Then, the human known as the Fat Friar appeared. One year later, and the Everfree Merry Ponies were formed, a group who stole and gave to the poor. While Celestia couldn't attack him directly, she did worry about it, and sought to gather the Elements of Harmony, choosing her student to be their leader.

One year later, and the Fat Friar withdrew to the Everfree, where none could find him or his band.
Shortly after the Elements were found, the human known as The Choten appeared, disappearing after aggravating the Princess, and the barrier between Equestria and another world grew closer and closer.

When Discord was freed, he caused much chaos. One of those bits of chaos shall be seen here...

The Day of Discord, morning.

Within his stone prison, Solaire of Astora sighed. A thousand and twenty years of being imprisoned by Celestia, even if you had cellmates, was boring as fuck. Stuck in the pose of praise, all he could do was wait.
Hey, Yoshi, he projected at the statue across from him. It had two figures- a flat faced being air-humping while flipping the bird, and a more demonic looking creature, posing with a katana in the right hand and an outstretched left hand.
What?
I'm bored as all hell, Yoshimitsu.
So am I.
Hey, Yoshimitsu-sempai! I'm up!
Hey, Tobi. How's the sun?
Still grossly incandescent, Solaire-kohai.
I'm not your damn kohai.
Would you two idiots shut up? I'm trying to plot my revenge. Solaire frowned; well, had he not been frozen in stone he would have frowned. A mental frown is not the same thing as a real frown.
You need to lighten up, Corvo. You've been all, 'oh, revenge, revenge, revenge.' It' is not in the spirit of jolly co-operation.
Screw you.
Hey, keep it down! Some of us are bursting with ideas here. I'm just as bored as you guys are. Tobi waved a hand mentally.
Keep up the good work, Invention-sempai! After a bit of mental grumbling from the oldest of us, it subsided. Solaire sighed; that guy was a freakin' weirdo. Still, at least Jack of Blades wasn't talking; guy was even worse with the whole 'revenge' thing than Corvo was. And there was a statue of two women who hadn't talked much at all, even before Invention was there. Solaire feared the worst for those poor women, trapped long before any of them.

"Alright class, now can any pony tell me what's unusual about this statue?" Another tour group (like they hadn't seen a lot of those over the past thousand years or so) appeared. It seemed to be a school outing.
Tobi perked up.
Solaire-sempai, let's play the insult game.
I'm up for it.
Same here.
Why are you doing this. Why.
Just be quiet.
With that, we focused on the tour group. Solaire led off first.
Hey, fatty! You need to work out more!
Your mother was a hamster and your father stank of elderberries!
Your dad's so stupid, he thinks that going on a train is exercise! All petty insults, but they were pretty good ones.
"Chaos!"
"Evil!"
"How's it chaos you dodo?"
"Don't call me things that I don't know the meaning of!" With that, the three fillies without butt tattoos started fighting.
... where the fuck is all the dust coming from? Eventually, it subsided, and the teacher, obviously wanting to avoid any more conflict, decided to talk to distract them.
"Technically, you're all right!"
Hey, don't encourage them! Kids are evil little bastards.
"This statue represents Discord, the spirit of chaos and disharmony. He's a draconeques..." We weren't listening, as the bastards prison was cracking, just slightly.
Sempai, he's getting free.
I know, Tobi. Solaire smiled.
Praise the sun for that shit.
Solaire-kohai, keep your creepy horse-fuckery out of this debate.
OH YOU LITTLE SHIT! The group left, and after a couple of minutes, Discord was free. We barely noticed, as we were still arguing with each other. He snapped his fingers at us, and we subsided.
"Now now boys, you need to calm down."
Don't take that tone with us, Discord, now let us out please! Discord paused, considering it.
"...Alright, but this is only because you'll annoy the hell out of Celestia." He clicked his eagle claw, and we all winced as our prisons crumbled around us.
"You'll be able to get out in a bit. Until then, chow chow." With that, he teleported away, leaving the humans with a slowly opening prison.
OH, YOU FUCKMUPPET!

Day of Discord's return, evening.

Corvo shuddered as he felt the stone prison surrounding him go away. Finally, he was free from the idiots that he'd listened to for over a thousand years. He collapsed on the ground, inhaling sweet, sweet air. He'd not breathed in over a thousand years, after all. Thus recovered, he stood up,ready to get his righteous revenge.
"BANZAI! BANZAI!" He rolled his eyes.
"Shut the hell up, Tobi-" The fucker was right in front of him, and touched him. He shied away instinctively, hand already on the gun before dropping. If what Tobi said was true, then it would be pointless to attack him.
"What the fuck?!" Tobi somehow blushed through the mask.
"This feeling of touch... it's like I'm reaching second base with the world, Corvo-sempai!" Corvo swatted his hand away with a grunt.
"Get your damn hands off me you orange fuck." Tobi slumped down to the ground dramatically.
"Why do you have to be so mean, Corvo-sempai? Tobi's a good boy!" Behind him, Yoshimitsu just face palmed.
"Yes, Tobi, you're a good boy. Now, come help me out with this." Tobi perked up at this.
"Got it, Yoshimitsu-sempai!"

Invention looked at them.
"Sorry, but I have things to do guys. Fuck with the Princesses all you want, I'll wave them goodbye, then go to my own house. Meet me there if you want." The necklace glowed orange, and he waved a hand irritably.
"Yes, yes, alright Boris, I'm onto it." With that, he walked off. Corvo stalked off, muttering about revenge. That left Tobi, Yoshimitsu and Solaire in the courtyard. Solaire idly brushed some stone dust off his shoulder and faced the sun.
Ah, the sun... like a magnificent father... His thoughts were interrupted by Yoshimitsu.
"Alright, now what?"
"We could go on a road trip, Solaire-kohai." Solaire just shook his helmeted head.
"Sounds stupid."
"It is kind of stupid, Tobi." Tobi slumped to the ground again.
"Muuuh."'

Canterlot Castle.

Celestia smiled warmly as the Elements of Harmony gathered within the castle. Since their defeat of Discord, it was only acceptable that they get an incredible fanfare from the whole of Canterlot society. After the ceremony, happened, she was about to get some cake when she spied a guard making his way over to her with an urgent look in his eye.
What could be the matter? Nevertheless, she went over to the guard.
"What is the matter, my little pony?" The guard panted for breath.
"It seems as if the Garden of Statues has lost four statues."
What?
"Which statues have gone missing?"
"Invention, Madness and Deliruim, Cunning and Veangeance." Celestia blinked. Then, she froze in place.
"All of them? Mother of me..." She quickly galloped over to the Elements.
"Twilight, Elements, now." Twilight looked surprised.
"Princess, what's the matter?" She looked afraid. Celestia looked at her.
"It seems as if Discord has been bus-" Before she could continue, the wall was smashed down.

Luna flew through, pursued by flaming skulls. She frowned, blasting them with her thaumic lances. Each skull exploded spectacularly. Every pony present ran around screaming as a figure in a skull mask came through. He levelled a weapon at Celestia, which she recognised as a gun, a weapon not seen for over a thousand years.
"CELESTIA, YOU BITCH! STABBING ME IN THE BACK LIKE THAT! FACE MY WRATH!" Celestia ducked the shot, and the bullet whizzed into the opposite wall. She sighed. There was no way that this could go any worse.

"DO YOU FAGGOTS EVEN PRAISE THE SUN?!" Apparently, it could. A figure in imposing armour slammed the doors open, the light of the sun streaming behind him, staff and shield in hand. Behind him, a figure in a long black coat and an orange mask, with a green, demonic looking figure, leapt out, weapons in hand.
"BRAIZE THE SUN!" They screamed, arms thrown up in the air in supplication. The knight turned to them.
"How can you faggots even mess that one up?" The screaming seemed to irritate him. Waving his staff, barriers of arcane energy formed around the screaming nobles, deadening the sound.
"There, much better." He then turned to his companions.
"Now, it's 'praise the sun.' Got that, you idiots?" They nodded hastily.
"You got it, Solaire-kohai"
"I'm not your kohai, Tobi."
"But you're Yoshimitsu-sempai's kohai, right? We ARE older than you..."
"Only by twenty six years! I ought to-"
"Quiet, you idiots." A human wearing a brown top hat, tan shirt with leather jacket and thick boots said from his position on top of a ledge. "Goodbye for now, Celestia. I have better things to do than mess with you, so this'll be our last meeting for a while." He then disappeared into the shadows, presumably running for his bolt-hole. Corvo just shook his head.

"Trying to get them to shut up is practically impossible. You know that they're morons, Invention." Tobi turned to him, brimming with indignation.
"HEY! I resemble that remark!" Corvo pointed to him.
"See, that's my point." He just sighed, already feeling his wrath draining away.
"Some Age of Mankind THIS is turning out to be." Luna glared at him.
"Where dost thou stand, Invention? Thine age has been thwarted before, and it shall be again." Corvo winced at the volume.
"Good god, you're still as loud as I remember you. Maybe you should be quieter like your sister." Luna simmered while Celestia gored daggers at Corvo.
"My sister was sent to the moon for a thousand years by the Elements; a far harsher fate than your own." Tobi and Yoshimitsu looked at her.
"How? I mean, the only one who could would be... oh. OH!" Solaire giggled with his hangers-on.
"Oh my god, you sent your sister to the moon for a thousand years? DAMN, girl, you harsh."
"It wasn't something I wanted to do!" Celestia flared, magic swirling around her. They looked at her.
"That's cute."

Twilight and friends had remained frozen during this whole exchange, but now they came to action. Well, five of them did- Fluttershy was in Fainting Goat mode from the terror of these strange creatures appearing out of nowhere.
"Now hang on a darn tootin' minute!" They looked at Applejack.
"Oh my god, you have rednecks now."
"Where do YOU get off making fun of the Princesses?" Rainbow Dash got in front of Solaire. He seemed to smile.
"LEARN TO DARK SOULS, N00B!" With that, he flashed away, behind Celestia. She seemed to blush heavily.
"Nope, I just praise the sun." After that statement, he slapped Celestia in the flank.
"Get you vulgar appendages off the Princess!" Rarity tried to cast a spell, but was stopped by Tobi touching her face.
"Ah, it's been a while since I've touched some pony."
"G-get your hand off my face!" She slapped it away.
"Ah, you wound me so." Laughing like a maniac, he just phased through her kick like he was a ghost, watching her flip through him.
"Wow, that's pretty cool." Rarity gawked at him.
"How... what?" Tobi waggled a finger at her.
"I'm Batman. No wait, I'm Tobi. Yes, I'd forget my head if it weren't attached to my neck, you know." Rarity stared at him.
"...You sound a bit like Pinkie." She looked around her. Applejack broke the silence first.
"Okay, where's Pinkie?"

Corvo just focused on the Princess of the Night. She was his main target-
"HEY THERE!" He leapt back from the pink mare as she appeared in front of him.
"GAAH! THE FUCK?!" She seemed interested in him.
"What's your name? Do you like parties? What's that on your belt? Why are you all covered in black? Is that a mask or your face? That's a pretty big knife you have there! You should remember, don't run with scissors, or you'll cut yourself! I remember my sister, Inky, she was all, 'I'll run with scissors,' and my dad was all, 'no, Inky, don't run with scissors,' but she did and slipped, and she cut her forelock, and now she's got a bit of a scar, and this party is pretty good, isn't it?" All of that was said at what felt like a million miles a second.
"...What?" She zoomed around him, examining him from all angles.
"Stop that." She ignored him.
"I SAID STOP!" He tried to shoot her, but she zoomed away. He growled. Just like Tobi- annoying and cheerful, and also apparently harder to kill than they first appeared. He could wait for his revenge.

Meanwhile, Invention used the general chaos to slip away. He paused at one statue that was still there- a human wearing a mask.
"Why weren't you freed, Jack?" He received no answer. The necklace around his neck pulsed red and yellow, and he nodded.
"It's probably not too important then. For now, let's go to our old home; I get the feeling that it's in need of some serious maintenance." With that, he stalked off stealthily, watching the skies for a pegasus patrol.

Meanwhile, Celestia felt that enough was enough. She focused on her vocal cords, strengthening them with earth pony magic for the Royal Canterlot Voice, a skill she hadn't used in centuries. Arcane power flowed through her body, and her eyes seemed to glow.
"ENOUGH!" She boomed, loud enough to rattle every human there. With that one word, every pony instinctually bowed, the ancient power of the Voice resonating with something in their bones, that said: "those who are loudest are the leaders."

"You've still got it, Celestia. Now, if you'll excuse us, we have to escape now." Solaire waved his staff, and yellow runes circled Tobi and Yoshimitsu. Corvo was about to be encircled, but he leapt out to follow Luna, who had flown outside. Before they left, Celestia looked at him.
"I swear, for my little ponies, I will stop you." Solaire locked eyes with her.
"You're welcome to try." With those parting words, they teleported away to parts unknown.

Within the depths of Canterlot, a suit of armour stirred from his slumber.
"Hmmm?" He turned to his visitors- two women, staring at him.
"What are you?" The suit gave the impression of smiling.
"Call me Dullahan, my dears. Now, would you mind awfully letting me out? I need to get my sword back as well." The two pointed to the sword leaning against the wall.
"You mean that one, right?" Dullahan focused on them. Well, as much as he could with no head.
"Did you bring it in here with you?" They nodded, green eyes shining through the eyeholes of their masks.
"Yes..."
"Thank you. Now, put it in my hand and I'll break free."