EQUESTRIAN BUREAU OF WEATHER MANAGEMENT
INTERNAL AFFAIRS
The following is a collection of both letters and replies filtered through the Equestrian Bureau of Weather Management, that have been compiled thanks to the cooperative efforts of our staff. We would also like to give our thanks to the citizens of Equestria. For it is all of you that makes this nation truly unique. Another thanks to Canterlot University, for including these records in their archives. This report has been made public domain for academic purposes, although for safety and legal reasons, some names and places of residence have been redacted. The Bureau hopes that this report will provide insight into the level of determination and professionalism that goes into our work to keep this nation at a proper, functioning level. Thank you.
- Sincerely, Director J. Storm, Head of the Weather Administration
EBWM OFFICIAL ARCHIVES
ADMINISTRATIVE OFFICES
Weather Management Bureau
Administrative Office
5525 Hurricane Avenue
Cloudsdale, Equestria
Dear Administrative Offices,
Firstly, I’d like to thank ya’ll kindly for all the hard work ya’ll are doing. I’m writing on behalf of [NAME REDACTED], for a slight change to our normal arrangement. Due to an unfortunate...incident, we were forced to replant most of our southern fields. All we’re requesting is a little extra rain to help the saplings along. All of us here would be mighty grateful, and we thank ya’ll kindly for your services.
Sincerely, [NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
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[NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
Dear, [NAME REDACTED]
We here at the Bureau thank you for kind words, and we will be sure to accommodate your request. You can expect your modified weather arrangement to reach local weather services in the next few business days. Thank you for your time, and have a nice day.
Sincerely, The Equestrian Weather Management Bureau's Administrative Offices
Weather Management Bureau
Administrative Office
5525 Hurricane Avenue
Cloudsdale, Equestria
Dear Administrative Office,
Well, hello there, I was just wondering if you could send a little bit of ‘turbulent’ weather our way, specifically to the lawn across from mine. There have been some minor...nuisances, that I have been meaning to deal with. Just don’t send nothing too strong, just good enough to shake the little punk- um, I mean...problems, away. Thank you sonny, I really appreciate it. Oh, and make sure it doesn't get near my rhododendrons. My hip’s been acting up and I don’t feel like paying another visit to the hospital, Celestia knows my wife already has me one hoof in the grave as it is. Well, thank you, and have a nice day.
Sincerely, [NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
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[NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
Dear[NAME REDACTED],
Thank you for contacting the Weather Administrative Office with your problem. Unfortunately, we are unable to comply with your request. Any and all induced tornadic activity must be sanctioned by your local government. You can feel free to contact your town’s mayor, or other elected officials with a petition to support your proposition. We will store your request in a reserved file to be sorted out later, thank you for your time.
Sincerely, The Equestrian Weather Management Bureau's Administrative Offices
Weather Management Bureau
Administrative Office
5525 Hurricane Avenue
Cloudsdale, Equestria
Dear Administrative Offices,
I,[NAME REDACTED], demand that there be sunny skies over [LOCATION WITHHELD] for my upcoming party on the tenth of next month. Some ponies of high importance will be in attendance, and I want to make sure we get the proper scenery for the occasion.
Sincerely, [NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
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[NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
Dear[NAME REDACTED],
Sir, we thank you for taking the time to send this letter in. However, we will be unable to fulfill your request, as there is a massive thunderstorm scheduled for that date. We here at the Bureau are sorry we couldn’t accommodate your request. Thank you for your time, sir.
Sincerely, The Equestrian Weather Management Bureau's Administrative Offices
__________
Weather Management Bureau
Administrative Office
5525 Hurricane Avenue
Cloudsdale, Equestria
Thunderstorms, during one of my personal parties! Absolutely UNACCEPTABLE! My guests and I require this event to be flawless. I DEMAND that you execute my appeal! It is not a request, it is a DECREE!
[NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
__________
[NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
Sir, I must inform you that the storm scheduled for that date is of the utmost importance to maintaining a balanced climate. I could go into the scientific reasoning behind that fact, if you wish. I thank you for hopefully understanding, and have a good day.
Sincerely, The Equestrian Weather Management Bureau's Administrative Offices
_________
Weather Management Bureau
Administrative Office
5525 Hurricane Avenue
Cloudsdale, Equestria
Listen here, I do not care about the Celestia damned climate! This priority is of far more importance, and you WILL clear the skies you lowly peasant!
[NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
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[NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
Sir, I would ask you refrain from using such unpleasant language, I am only here to help you. Now, if I could suggest one more thing, why not just reschedule the time of the event? I am sure your colleagues would understand. Thank you so much for your time.
Sincerely, The Equestrian Weather Management Bureau's Administrative Offices
__________
Weather Management Bureau
Administrative Office
5525 Hurricane Avenue
Cloudsdale, Equestria
How dare you, you feculent pigeon! Do you know how much work has gone into this occasion! This is not some simple tea party you can move around willy nilly! Do you understand that, or are you too dense to even comprehend?! Well, I guess that is as much as I should expect from some imbecilic, half-witted pegasus! Why don’t you just flutter back to your little cloud you sorry excuse for a bird! I am a PRINCE, AND WILL BE TREATED AS SUCH!
[NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
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[NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
Oh, I am so sorry! I had no idea you were a PRINCE! I apologize for my disrespectful language to a pony of suchhigh stature, and that a lowly peasant such as myself could not have seen that earlier! As a way of consolation, I will be sure to process your request IMMEDIATELY as our TOP priority! We will be sure to give you exactly what you deserve!
Sincerely, The Equestrian Weather Management Bureau's Administrative Offices
__________
Weather Management Bureau
Administrative Office
5525 Hurricane Avenue
Cloudsdale, Equestria
Well...I thank you for finally understanding that. It’s good to see that at least some ponies are able to recognize their place. I cannot wait to tell my acquaintances that I will have clear skies and sunny weather waiting for them. Good day.
Sincerely, [NAME REDACTED]
[NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
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[NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
Dear[NAME REDACTED],
This is Director Storm of the Weather Management Bureau, and let the administration as a whole express our sincerest of apologies, [NAME REDACTED]. We are still searching for a solid explanation as to indicate the direct cause of the supercell that formed near your area. The best theory we have at the moment is that it was simply a weather anomaly, with no real explanation. It’s horrible, but things like these spring up from time to time, they are very unpredictable. However, we can still be thankful that it only affected a small portion of the city. Once again, we apologize for this terrible inconvenience, and will be sure to take immediate actions to prevent future occurrences such as this from developing. We here at the EWMB thank you for your patience and cooperation. Have a wonderful day.
Sincerely, Director J. Storm, Head of the Weather Administration
Weather Management Bureau
Administrative Office
5525 Hurricane Avenue
Cloudsdale, Equestria
Dear Administrative Offices,
Hiya, it’s[NAME REDACTED] from [LOCATION WITHHELD], I know that I already sent a letter in, but, It’s been over two weeks, and I haven’t seen a single cloud over our fields. The trees are starting to dry up, and we need this crop good and healthy. Can ya’ll please make sure you sent that request in, thank ya kindly.
Sincerely, [NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
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[NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
Dear[NAME REDACTED],
Firstly, the Bureau would like to formally apologize for any form of delay in your request, we have been very backlogged over here the past few days, and that has made it difficult to organize. As far as we know, the letter was sent to your local postal service, so there was most likely some confusion down there. We thank you for making us aware of this problem, and we will be sure to adjust so it does not occur in the future. Thank you, and have a nice day.
Sincerely, The Equestrian Weather Management Bureau's Administrative Offices
Weather Management Bureau
Administrative Office
5525 Hurricane Avenue
Cloudsdale, Equestria
Dear Bureau,
I know what you’re up to! The random storms, the cloud circles, INCREASED TAXES! I know the signs... You’re planning to destroy us all! I have been observing your personal for years, and I have finally uncovered your scheme. You may think you can get away with this, but I will prevail! No longer shall ponykind live under the shackles of your oppression! I won’t let that happen! You better watch your backs weather ponies, because I’m coming for you! You hear me, I’M COMING FOR YOU! LONG LIVE THE NEW WORLD ORDER!!!
P.S. Could you please make some clear skies on the fourteenth of May over [LOCATION WITHHELD], It’s my little brother’s birthday, thank you.
P.S.S. I’M STILL COMING FOR YOU!
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[NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
Dear Sir/Madame,
I can assure you that there is no conspiracy theory behind the actions of our Bureau. We are strictly here to maintain the balance of the Equestrian climate, we have no control over tax regulation, and cloud circles are nothing more than a hoax, NOTHING more. Regarding your request, we already have clear skies scheduled for your location on that date. Thank you for your...interesting letter, and have a nice day.
Sincerely, The Equestrian Weather Management Bureau's Administrative Offices
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__________
Weather Management Bureau
Mail Room
5525 Hurricane Avenue
Cloudsdale, Equestria
I swear to Celestia, Gale! If I get one more ad from Playmare in my inbox, I am literally going to strangle you with your own bucking TAIL!
Sincerely, Misty Cloud
Weather Management Bureau
Administrative Office
5525 Hurricane Avenue
Cloudsdale, Equestria
Dear Sir/Madame,
Sorry for bothering you, but I’m trying to reach the bar to the right of your building. I don’t have their address, so if you could help me out that would be great.
Sincerely, [NAME WITHHELD]
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[NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
Sir, this is a government office, not an operating service. Also, there is no bar to the right of our building. There is, however, one across the street from us, that is most likely the one you are speaking of, so feel free to try and contact them. Thank you, and have a nice day.
Sincerely, The Equestrian Weather Management Bureau's Administrative Offices
__________
Weather Management Bureau
Administrative Office
5525 Hurricane Avenue
NO! I am trying to contact the bar to the RIGHT of your building!
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[NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
Sir, I will ask you again to stop using this mailing address unless you have a legitimate request or emergency pertaining to our services. And sir, our building is located on the outskirts of the city, the only thing to our right is a sheer drop. Please stop contacting this office, and have a nice day.
Sincerely, The Equestrian Weather Management Bureau's Administrative Offices
__________
Weather Management Bureau
Administrative Office
5525 Hurricane Avenue
Cloudsdale, Equestria
Look, can you ask someone else? I KNOW it’s there! Just GIVE ME THEIR DAMN MAILING ADDRESS!
__________
[NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
SIR, THERE IS NO BAR TO THE RIGHT OF OUR BUILDING! IF YOU DO NOT STOP CONTACTING THIS OFFICE, WE WILL BE FORCED TO ALERT THE AUTHORITIES!
Sincerely, The Equestrian Weather Management Bureau's Administrative Offices
Weather Management Bureau
Administrative Office
5525 Hurricane Avenue
Cloudsdale, Equestria
Dear Director,
I just wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you are curious about the frequency of which I've sent these letters, it is merely to instill as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with. That's right! I'm going to BUCK the fear turkey! I await your reply.
Sincerely, [NAME REDACTED]
[Bureau archives would like to note that this is the seventeenth letter of this nature to be sent by carrier pigeon to the Bureau’s administrative office. There is currently an open investigation attempting to identify the sender. If there is anyone who can submit any evidence, please contact the Bureau's offices in Canterlot, it would be much appreciated.]
Weather Management Bureau
Administrative Office
5525 Hurricane Avenue
Cloudsdale, Equestria
Dear Administrative Offices,
All of it! My apples, my crops, they're all...GONE! Just dried up and lifeless! I asked weeks ago for you to send that request for extra rain over, and a SECOND time after that! But now...now, my whole harvest is ruined! I hope ya'll are having a fine and dandy time over there, doing whatever it is ya'll do, because it obviously isn't your job!
Sincerely, [NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
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[NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
Dear, [NAME REDACTED]
We here at the Bureau send our most sincerest of grievances for your troubles. But we can assure you that we never take our jobs any less than seriously. If you wish to seek government aid for your losses, than you can send in a complaint form to our offices in Canterlot. We thank you for your time, and wish you good luck.
Sincerely, The Equestrian Weather Management Bureau's Administrative Offices
__________
Weather Management Bureau
Administrative Office
5525 Hurricane Avenue
Cloudsdale, Equestria
I don't want no 'government aid', what I want is to speak to the mare who killed my crop!
[NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
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[NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
Miss, we are not permitted to release the names of our employees, that is against administration policy. If there was fault within the agency, we will be sure to look into it ourselves. Please, I must insist that you calm down, and send in the complaint like I have suggested. Thank you, and have a nice day.
Sincerely, The Equestrian Weather Management Bureau's Administrative Offices
__________
Weather Management Bureau
Administrative Office
5525 Hurricane Avenue
Cloudsdale, Equestria
Calm down? You wan't me TO CALM DOWN! I will not calm down, I want that stupid employee to get some gumption, and talk to me, mare to mare! Why don't you do THAT, instead of being a no good rotten politician!
[NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
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[NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
Alright ma'am, I would appreciate it if you refrained from insulting our agents. We work our hardest everyday to make sure that this nation stays in a state of peace. So please, show some respect, and just send in the complaint! Good day.
Sincerely, The Equestrian Weather Management Bureau's Administrative Offices
__________
Weather Management Bureau
Administrative Office
5525 Hurricane Avenue
Cloudsdale, Equestria
Hey, why don't you just shut your trap you pompous little TRAMP! I have had it up to here with all your nonsense, and I will not rest until the pony that caused this gets what she deserves!
[NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
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[NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
Alright, now THAT is going TOO far! I have tried to be civil, miss, but you have gotten out of line! You can either go send the complaint in, or I am going to send one of my own you hot headed redneck! GOOD DAY!
__________
Weather Management Bureau
Administrative Office
5525 Hurricane Avenue
Cloudsdale, Equestria
Ya know what, FINE! I'll send in your dad gum complaint! And I'll make sure your raggedy flank gets a spot in it too!
__________
[NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
Really? Really.
__________
Weather Management Bureau
Administrative Office
5525 Hurricane Avenue
Cloudsdale, Equestria
REALLY!
__________
[NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD]
REALLY! You know what, fine, say whatever you wan't! This office has apologized for your crops, and offered our help, so there is nothing more we can do! Good day.
Sincerely, The Equestrian Weather Management Bureau's Administrative Offices
__________
Weather Management Bureau
Administrative Office
5525 Hurricane Avenue
Cloudsdale, Equestria
Dear Administrative Offices,
My name is Ink Prose, and I am the postmaster general for the town of [LOCATION WITHHELD] . I am sorry to inform you of this, but there are some issues that have recently come to light that I need to inform your office of. Several request forms from the Bureau that were intended to be sent to our department were mistakenly re-directed to another location without our knowledge. As far as we can tell, one of our staff members up there in Cloudsdale must have loaded the crate onto the wrong chariot. We sincerely apologize for whatever trouble this might have caused, and will be sure to take better care in the future. Have a nice day!
Sincerely, Ink Prose, Postmaster General
__________
[LOCATION WITHHELD]
...Thank you...
Sincerely, The Equestrian Weather Management Bureau's Administrative Offices
THESE DOCUMENTS ARE THE PROPERTY OF CANTERLOT UNIVERSITY
ANY AND ALL TAMPERING OF THESE RECORDS ARE A VIOLATION OF EQUESTRIAN LAW!
Have a nice day.
