Bad Dragon

by Bolding

Rating: mature
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Rarity, Sex, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Original Character
Length: 1350

Being the pervert you are, you can't help but wonder if Bad Dragon was accurate in their Dragon Dildo line. A certain purple dragon should clear that up...

For years, Bad Dragon Inc. has been selling Dragon Dildos to uneducated customers. No one knows if their models are even accurate to the actual thing. With this thought buzzing in your head, you decide to spend some alone time with Spike in hopes of setting the record straight.

[This is an Anon in Equestria story, featuring you as Anonymous. If you dislike second person perspective or hate the name Anon/Anonymous, by all means, please leave now. This is also not a clop. Just a comedic oneshot. Take your skevviness elsewhere.]

Published 2014-02-16 21:20:07 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-16 21:20:07 UTC

I regret nothing.

"Hey, Anon? Can you do me a favor?"

Twilight stands beside your table, forcing a smile. Turning the page of your Whorse Monthly magazine, you grunt to let her know that you're listening.

"I'm going to Canterlot today to see Princess Celestia. I need somepony to watch Spike."

You drop the magazine and turn to the mare. This is your chance! For so many months, you've been waiting for the moment to be alone with the little shit. Now is the time to see if Bad Dragon was accurate in their Dragon Dildo line!

"Sure! Where is the little guy?"

Twilight seems a bit uneasy by your sudden eagerness. "Well, he's at the libra—"

Dropping your nudie mag on the table, you sprint out of Sugarcube Corner towards the treebrary. This is going to be the greatest day ever! For science, of course. Throwing the door open, you immediately meet eye to eye with Spike.

"Hey buddy! Twilight asked me to watch you while she does shit I don't care about." Spike gives you an anxious expression.

"Okay?"

Taking a seat on the floor beside him, you crack a grin and lean in on him. "Now that I think about it Spike, I don't really know much about you. How about I ask you a couple questions to get to know you?"

Spike, not entirely interested, shrugs. "All right."

"What's your favorite fetish?"

Spike cocks an eyebrow, clearly confused. "Is that a type of cat?"

Wow. You didn't expect that at all. "So... You're into THAT kind of stuff?" Looking around the room, you try to think of your next course of action. "Alright, I'm gonna be right back. Here." You hand him a library card and wave your hand. "Play with this."

As you run out of the building, Spike looks down at the card and waits on your return, trying to figure out what to do with it. You return shortly, holding Opalescence in your hands, who clearly doesn't want to be held. Placing the cat down on the floor, you wave your hand.

"All right, buddy. Work your magic. I'm just here for observation." Spike looks at Opalescence who is currently trying her best to grab you with her claws.

"But I can't use magic," Spike responds.

Letting out an annoyed sigh, you lift the cat's tail and point at its no-no parts.

"I mean do what you have to. Get your freak on." Spike, utterly confused, looks at you like you just grew a third head. Getting more pissed by the second, you let go of the cat who goes on a frenzy towards the door. "Do you know anything about females, Spike?"

Spike nods his head.

"Some complain a lot and don't let me sleep, like Twilight. But some are beautiful and amazing, like Rarity." You can't help but shake your head.

"No, I mean do you know anything about their body?" Spike takes a moment to think about what you say, irking you further. "Alright, big guy. I'm gonna teach you a thing or two. I suggest you write down what I'm about to tell you."

As you drag the chalkboard in the corner to the middle of the room, Spike whips out a scroll and quill. Trying to be as accurate as possible, you attempt to draw a female genitalia.

"This is a vagina." Spike squints, trying to figure out what you just drew.

"It looks like a chewed up piece of bubblegum."

"I hope not. Last time I dropped my gum while jer— You know what? Let's not go down that road. I had enough therapy after the surgery to help me get past that." Spike shrugs and writes on the scroll. "Other names for it include cooter muffin, sperm shack, tuna sock, and enchilada of love."

Spike's writing intensifies as you relay more and more information. Drawing an arrow to a dot, you write down the word 'clitoris'.

"Cli... Tor... Rus."

"No, it's pronounced 'Cli-ter-es'."

"Clit-tor-res?"

"No it's— you know what? Let's just call it a clit."

"What does it do?"

You look over your crude drawing and try to think back to sex-ed. The only thing you can remember from that class was looking at the picture of dicks and boobs, chuckling to yourself like a child.

"I don't know. Just touch it and shit. It makes women go crazy." Spike commences to write down the discovery as you go down lower on the diagram. "Now, there are two holes here. The one on top is a no-go area. If you stick it in there, your girlfriend will quickly become your ex-girlfriend, unless she’s into that kind of shit. If not and you continue to thrust in there when she tells you to stop, she’s not going to be too happy about it."

You point at the lowest dot. "This is where the good times run. This right here is the glory hole. You stick your eight inches of blunt fury in here and let nature take its course. And that's about it."

As you begin erasing the board, you hear the sound of a flame going out. You turn around to see Spike only holding a quill.

"What did you just do?"

"I sent my report to Celestia. Twilight always sends her notes to her."

Your heart sinks. "Oh, this is gonna be awkward as hell. And Twilight's with the princess— Fuck."

Rubbing your temples, you try to think of a way to get out of this. You're already in too deep. Might as well get what you came here for and deal with the repercussions later. As you devise a plan that involves a bag of jumbo marshmallows and a full-body pillow, Rarity enter the library.

"Anon! Have you seen Opalescence? Fluttershy tells me that she saw you going into my house and leaving with her!" Before you can come up with an excuse, you notice something.

Spike's mood has completely flipped. He's practically sedated at the sight of Rarity.

"That's it! Why didn't I think of it before!" you blurt. Both Rarity and Spike look at you with a puzzled look. Grabbing Rarity by the tail, you drag her mere inches from Spike's face.

"Anon!" Rarity snaps. "Just what in Equestria do you think you're doing?!" Lifting her tail, you point at her female parts.

"See, Spike? Here's a prime example of a vagina." Spike blushes and turns his head away, trying not to look.

You've come this far! There's no way you're not backing out now!

Grabbing the back of his head, you shove it into Rarity's crotch. Rarity lets out a yelp as you rub his face in it and continue bellowing instructions.

"Just like the diagram! Get in that clit! Take in the smell! Be a man!" Spike tries his hardest to talk, but is smothered by Rarity. Rarity moans as Spike's attempts to speak.

"A-Anon! S-s-stop this immediately!"

Not yet!You're almost there!

Leaning over, your eyes don't leave Spike crotch. Slowly, something begins to unsheathe from his scales.

"Yes! This is it. This is what I've been waiting for! This is... is... this is disappointing."

Now you know how your ex-girlfriend felt. It's nothing like the Bad Dragon toys. Letting go of Spike and Rarity, you fall on your ass and groan. All that work for nothing. Spike runs upstairs, crying his eyes out as Rarity slaps you with her hoof, clearly infuriated.

"What is wrong with you, Anon? Why would you do such a thing?!" Shrugging, you stand up and head towards the front door.

"I have my reasons. You might want to talk to that kid. He's been through some shit today. The least you could do is let him finish, if you catch my drift. I'm gonna head back to Sugarcube corner and buy a bag of marshmallows and some cornstarch. Later."

Author's Note

This is the result of too much alcohol and staying up too late whilst reading story ideas with 8th-Sin in the PiE chat. May God have mercy on my soul.