What It Is, My Quagga?
Bronio Kröger
"A what?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"A Zeebsploition film. Short for Zebra Exploitation." Twilight loved any opportunity to exposit, and her turn to host Movie Night was as good as any. "You see, about forty years ago, the Zebras felt they were second-class citizens to the other pony races, and there was a lot of social unrest. At the same time, trying to find their identity, a lot of them started making independent films on low budgets.The films shared the theme of showing strong minority characters as protagonists. Some of the great auteurs of the time were Walter Farley and Anna Sewell. A lot of those films were considered scandalous, however, as they -- "
"Oh, I've … I've been in a couple of those films," said Fluttershy in a near whisper, her cheeks turning a bright red. "I was curious, and needed the money, and -- "
"Not that kind of film," sighed Twilight, discreetly making a mental note to … research Fluttershy's comment later. "Though there was a lot of sex and violence and profanity, and the films were often laughably bad, that isn't really the point. The point is, Zeebsploitation is the sign of an artistic field coming into its own, and learning how to do everything with no help from the establishment."
"Darling, as an artist, I can certainly say that … Zeebsploitation, was it? -- Zeebsploitation is definitely not art." Rarity snorted and pawed at the ground for emphasis.
"Maybe it isn't high art, but it is art nonetheless, and a lot of the stars and directors moved on to mainstream cinema afterward. You know that the famous actress, Mare van Peebles, is the daughter of --"
"Yeah, yeah," Rainbow Dash interrupted."I came for movie night, not egghead lecture night. So which one are we gonna see?" Rainbow Dash scanned the library. "Striped Stripeback's Jackassssssss Song? Bar Code Jones? Hmm, Draft? Ooh, the soundtrack is by Isaac Haybales! How about Boss Quagga? Or He Ain't Grevy's, He's My Brother?"
"It's already in the player," said Twilight. "You'll see." An impish grin spread across her face. The remainder of the group began to cast nervous glances at one another. They knew what happened when Twilight got excited about sharing her obsessions. Moreover, Twilight hadn't been this excited about sharing since that one time she had discovered necromancy.
"Y'all gonna play this or what?" Applejack was seated, cider next to her, ready to go.
And so the film began to play. A gravelly voice chanted over bass-heavy funk music and a montage of violent and poorly executed action scenes.
Some folks say Turnip Green
Was the baaaaaaaddest quagga the world ever seen
But sit back, chew your cud, and nail your shoes on tight
Cause you jive-ass turkeys ain't heard the legend of … Malakite.
"Darling," interrupted Rarity, pausing the title sequence with her magic. "I know gems. Gems are my livelihood. And malachite," she said, pointing to the title text, "despite being only semiprecious, should not be misspelled."
Twilight paused for a minute, biting her lip and trying to figure out how to address Rarity's salient point. Finally, after a few seconds, she replied.
"Just shut up and watch the movie."
And so they watched the movie.
"What it is, my quagga?" the zebra in the long naugahyde duster and wide-brimmed hat, said, one hoof raised in the air in solidarity. His mane was a wild hemisphere ot fight curls and his cutie mark was the stout, cylindrical baobab -- a round tree from the Zebra's homeland..
"Solid, my zebrotha," replied the zebra in the military fatigues and beret. His cutie mark was an angry looking panther. "Hay it on me."
"They put my cousin in the hospital, my cousin Bucky. When I get to those suckas, they won't be so lucky.." Malakite rhymed, the actor desperately trying to ignore the boom mic in shot. "I'll tell you the truth, and the truth ain't neat. They damn near killed Bucky, with that drug on the streets."
"You mean he was on the wasabi?" the militant zebra responded, astonished.
"WAAAITTT A MINUTE!" Pinkie Pie shouted, exasperated, as she paused the film. "Isn't 'quagga' a racists word?"And what's wasabi?"
"Yes, Pinkie," Twilight responded, "the Q-word is racist, but … um … only when we use it? I think they were trying to 'take the word back.' I don't know. It's just a thing. And wasabi is the street name for low-grade … horseradish."
"OHHHHHHH!" Pinkie said. "That stuff is bad! Was it a big problem back then?"
"Indeed it was," Rarity interjected. "It was very big in the club scene. I don't understand how it could have been so popular, what with it burning your nose like that." Rarity suddenly became acutely aware of the eyes of the fellow ponies. "What? I don't do horseradish," she protested, "but I do work in fashion, and believe me, you don't want to know what goes on behind the scenes of a fashion show!"
"I did horseradish once," Fluttershy meekly said. Everyone's gazed turned to her, and she once again turned a bright pink. "It wasn't fun. I wrote all night, and in the morning, when I checked to see what I wrote, I saw that I had written a business plan for a restaurant which would compete with Romano's Macaroni Grill by featuring a waterfall in the main dining area." The completely nonplussed stares made Fluttershy hang her head low. "I know, it wasn't a very good idea, I guess.... I haven't touched it since."
"What I wanna know, sugardumplin', is why Malakite is both a private investigator and a nightclub owner." Applejack scratched her forehead with one hoof.
"Don't forget Kung-Fu master and pimp," a beaming Twilight added. I'm a helper! I helped, she autistically thought to herself.
"... aaaand, Kung-Fu master and pimp," a perplexed Applejack said. "Maybe I should have a bit more of this here cider."
"He's a Kung-Fu master and pimp, and his mares are all Kung-Fu masters too," Twilight expounded, "as well as a nightclub owner and a private eye, because this represented the pinnacle of what a Zebra could achieve in those days. He was a hero, and a superpony to boot!"
Rainbow Dash reflexively responded to the lecture by unpausing the film.
"Yep, he was on the wasabi all right. He'd snort that stuff all through the night. He was all into that stuff after he started running with a crowd that was tough." Malakite turned toward the fourth wall and began an expository soliloquoy. "It all started when he got that job as a dishwasher for Roscoe's House of Alfalfa and Waffles. I told that boy, that place is a no-business born-insecure junkyard that's just awful. He spend his nights gambling his money away, or spending it with floozy Lippizaner showmares and imported hay."
Malakite sighed and poured himself a shot of Colt 45 Salt Liquor. "And when he got into jive-ass debt … his boss, Mr. Przwalski, told him he could make money yet. He'd make his debts back by selling wasabi. He'd sell it in the restaurant lobby."
" But the fool! The fool," Malakite shouted, the actor exhibiting the emotional subtlety of an erupting volcano, "he ended up getting hooked on that snow. Last time I saw him, he was snorting those white lines off the flank of some two-bit ho. He was sniffing her plot like there was treasure to find. There were so many white lines, she looked like Celestia from behind!"
"I don't get it," said Rainbow Dash.
Twilight patiently explained. "Cause the lines are white, and they covered the black stripes, so she was all whi--"
"OHHHHHHHHH," the entire group said at once, getting it simultaneously.
"--- yeah," said Twilight.
"Also, why is he rhyming everything?" Rainbow asked.
"It was just a thing back then." Twilight responded
"Ooh! Ooh! Is that why Zecora rhymes like that?" Pinkie Pie asked, the question clearly on her mind for some time.
"Who knows, ladies," Twilight answered. "Back to the movie?"
"... and then then Przwalski decided to run for Mayor, He'd have to kill his mistress or pay her. And he didn't want to be associated with the drug trade, so he had a batch of spiked wasabi made. When Bucky took a hit from his stash, he bought the farm with counterfeit cash."
"Heavy," said the militant zebra. "Hea-vy. And that jive ass turkey is running for Governor, where he's going to defund the orphanage --"
"Not the orphanage!" interjected Malakite.
"--- and veto the Equine Rights Amendement. Our people are gonna be kept down by the Stallion once again."
"Now that is some BULL. SH--"
"BAD WORD BAD WORD BAD WORD! LA LA LA LA LA!" Pinkie Pie started screaming over the soundtrack, desperate to drown it out.
"What are you, twelve?" asked Rainbow Dash. "We're all grown-ups, we can curse if we want."
"Speak for yourself, darling," Rarity said. "I, for one, am a lady and won't stoop to that language."
"It's just that every time we used a bad word," Pinkie said, softly, "mom and dad would pelt me with rocks." She looked down at the ground for a second, wincing at the memory of distant wounds. After a half a second, she returned to her old self again. "So I make sure never to curse again! In fact, I have a song about it!"
"NO!" everyone said at once, but it was too late. Once again, the movie was paused, as an ensemble musical number was initiated.
When I was young, I tried to cuss
But doing so caused such a fuss
And so I tell you on this day
Listen to what my parents would say
Pink-a-me-na, if you curse
We will put you in a hearse
It's no joke, say no bad words
Or we will shun you from the herd
Pink-a-me-na, cursing's wrong
And I share that with my song
A bad word's one you should not say
Though bea-ting kids is okay
The song slowly trailed off into a faint mumbling as Pinkie remembered her past, a thousand-yard stare in her eyes.
After a few seconds, Applejack broke the uncomfortable silence. "Well, that's that, sugarcube, let's return to the movie." Applejack, sensible as always, wanted to see some of the action. As it happened, the movie was now on an action montage sequence. Enthralled by the terrible choreography, the ponies could only marvel at the complete lack of coordination of the actors, in both the fighting and the sex scenes. This clumsiness, which would make even Ditzy Doo cover her eyes, was rivaled only by the wooden dialogue and over-the-top acting.
Finally, the climactic battle scene was reached. Malakite was on the floor of a roller disco, fighting Kung Fu with the corrupt Mayor of Baltimare.
"I have the upper hoof!" the corrupt mayor said, pointing a gun at Malakite.
"You'll never get away with this, Przwalski, you no-business born-insecure rat-soup-eating junkyard MOTHERF--"
"BAD WORD BAD WORD BAD WORD!" Pinkie could not be dissuaded. I'm a helper! I helped, she autistically thought to herself.
Suddenly, a bottle crashed on Przwalski's head, knocking him out, as roller disco zebras swirled past him. But who was the familiar pony with the neck of a broken salt liquor bottle in his mouth?
"Is that … Filly Dee Williams?" Rainbow Dash exclaimed.
"Yes, Rainbow Dash," Twilight beamed. "Before he played Latigo Calrissian, he was the spokeshorse for Colt 45 Salt Liquor and a supporting actor in Zeebsploitation films."
"Man, I done told you, you ain't got no class, you hurt my cousin, I kick your ass," Malakite rapped. "You close the orphanage, I close your jaw. I'll see to it your jive ass drinks through a straw. You fight the amendment and keep the Zebra down, I'll put your house quagga ass six feet in the ground. Cause NO quagga who knows what's right, will dare mess with ME -- yes, ME! The one they call … Malakite.
As the credits rolled, with such humorous bylines as "Kung-Fu Pegasus Prostitute #3," the ponies talked about what they had seen.
"I still think it is uncouth, but … " Rarity's countenance softened somewhat. "... it was entertaining. A guilty pleasure! But no more!"
"I liked the action sequences," Applejack said. Behind her, Rainbow Dash nodded in assent. "Even though you have to suspend plausibility when you see a zebra bucking, missing his target by a country mile, and the bad guy flies back faster n' Rainbow Dash here on the rag!"
"I liked the happy ending!" Pinkie said. "The orphanage was saved, and the Equine Rights Amendment was passed! There was no more racism against zebras! And everyone lived happily ever after!" Pinkie started to dance, making an impromptu song as she danced. "Civil rights, that's all right, civil rights, all day all night!"
"Actually," Twilight said, "I still think some of the social disparities are still there. We just don't see a lot of it since there's only one zebra anywhere around here, and she's kind of a walking stereotype as it is. But I like how this film draws attention to the pervasive social injustice and how it is ingrained," Twilight said. "Zebras are always framed for crimes, and harassed by the police, and there's a lot of zebra-on-zebra crime because of the socioeconomic conditions. Plus there stereotypes about zebras, that they are big dumb brutes, these were overturned in this movie and pointedly and ironically mocked."
Everyone agreed, nodding enthusiastically. Twilight continued. "Except of course the good stereotypes were perpetuated -- that Zebras were irresistable sex machines. What was the saying that pimp Chocolate Giddyap said? Once you go stripe, the bitches don't gripe?"
"It's … kind of true," Fluttershy mumbled. Twilight gave her a sidelong glance and made another mental note.
"Okay, so what do we want to see next week? It's Rainbow Dash's turn," Twilight said.
"Yeah! I was gonna suggest an anime! How about Dragon Ball Z?" Rainbow dash said, striking ferocious poses and mimicking combat scenes.
"D...d...dragons?" a terrified Fluttershy gasped. She started quivering at the thought. While she trembled, the rest of the ponies laughed at Fluttershy's crippling phobia, as was their wont. Another movie night was a success!
