Chapter 1 ~ Curse you Frank West!
~ 1,001 A.N. (After Nightmare Moon) ~
"Hey, look at this one!" Exclaimed a light gray, almost white, coated filly with a short, rounded horn sprouting out of her skull, her mane long, curly, and two shades of a soft purple. Pointing at a statue as she and her two friends ran up to examine the oddity. Her friends were also fillies. The first had a vibrant orange and, like her unicorn friend, had a purple mane, though it was a much richer hue and was cut particularly short, and instead of a horn had a set of small wings on her back. The other was yellow, and had neither a horn nor wings, though she did have a pink bow that nicely complimented her bright red and bushy mane.
"What do you think it is?" The orange one had asked. Within the Canterlot Sculpture Garden, most sculptures were either depicted subjects such as friendship and love, there were also quite a few that were sculptures of legends, myths, and even a few old pony tales. All of the statues were quite old, and weathered, dulling many of the details that were originally in place. This statue was different, this piece appeared almost new.
It had the basic traits of a pony. Two legs, two arms, hands, a torso and head. But that is where the similarities stopped. Instead hooves, the not-pony had something similar to paws, though it was hard to tell with the heavy-duty, strapped boots that almost went to the knees. It also may have been injured if those braces on its legs were anything to go by. On its wrists were odd set of blades, for a lack of better terms. The left one was the smaller of the two. It was what appeared to be a syringe, it’s elongated needle reaching just past its hand and the vial strapped to its wrist, protected by an encumbering and odd looking bracer that covered most of its forearm. The bracer, for some unknown reason, had a number of valves on it. The other implement was much stranger. It was what could only be described as a ‘spear gauntlet.’ The gauntlet covered the entirety of the not-pony’s hand. A number of nozzles appeared to line the gauntlet, those seen only on the most advanced of machinery. At the forefront of the odd device, was the spear. It was long, the tip reaching the statue’s shins. Instead of a spearhead the shaft was pointed, if only slightly, and had a stylized spiraling indention. It was also one of the few parts of the statue that didn’t have straps on it. That was one of the defining characteristics of the creature’s equipment, straps. Keeping armor attached to it. Most of it seeming to be armored, scrapped, and rebuilt from who knows what or where. The creature itself was thin and tall, easily a foot taller than most mares, more if the wasn’t slouching, likely due to the large and heavy looking cylinder on its back, which also looked like it came from train with the valve on top it also had some form of weight wrapped around it’s waist to counterbalance to the baggage of the cylinder. On it back was also what looked like a cage-like basket. An assortment of bows were tied to basket, contrasting sharply with the rest of the creature’s supposed appearance. The creature the statue depicted also didn’t appear to have a tail, a mane, ears, or even a mouth. Though all but first was debatable considering its helmet, or what the fillies hoped was a helmet. The head was round, bulbous even and appeared to have only a single eye, no ears, no mouth, no nose, no teeth.
The three fillies were fascinated by the statue to say the least.
As the fillies’ were examining the statue of the strange creature, their teacher and the rest of their class had caught up with the three that had ran ahead. The teacher was a light-pink coated and with a dark purple mane. On her shoulders was the image of three smiling flowers. Like the filly with the bow, she had neither wings nor a horn.
“Now girls, you should know better to run ahead. Especially during a class field trip!” The teacher admonished.
“We’re sorry, Ms. Cheerliee.” The three fillies’ chorused.
"Now, this statue is based on the ancient legend of The Hunter a creature that-" The Lady continued to go on about me for another thirty minutes or so, talking about how there where different versions of my tale, their similarities, contradictions, and what not. Like in one story I was a monster that hunted Daemons and another was that hunted for and consumed souls of ponies. Heard it all before and hearing it again was just as boring and it always had something to do with Tartarus, what’s up with that? Whatever, pretty sure none of that happened anyway. Bored the snot out most of her class to other those three who ran ahead. Not that I could see them, I would have to move my neck to do so and you can see the problem with doing that. After the tour guide was done yammering on about what kind of babies I may have eaten, she took her tiny pack of brats to Discord prison. Now, I don’t exactly hate kids, but I’ve been up for a couple of years of looking badass for them. And all I get in return are ‘What is that horrid monstrosity?!’s, the ever sophisticated ‘ewww!’s, and how could I not forget the faithful ‘I’m going to get my mommy to remove this unsightly piece of a garbage from this beautiful garden!’ well, you’d be sick of kids too. To be fair, it’s not that they were kids, it’s just that a lot of ponies in Canterlot got a stick up their ass, even at a young age. At least, I think it’s just Canterlot. Haven’t really seen the sights you know, being stoned and all. Ugh…puns.
The next four hours were going about the same as usual. The old gardener that cuts the hedges coming by to checkup on his work, a daily occurrence. This is probably be because of his poor love life, at least that’s what I’m to assume. What else am I so supposed to think when you see an elderly stallion break down crying to himself on an almost daily basis when he thinks he’s alone? It was depressing at first, but then it just became annoying after a couple of months. I often wonder what his reaction would be if someone told him that he works in a garden full of conscious statues. Anyway after that, this disgusting scruffy looking stallion comes by to wash the area. Mostly the statues that have been encrusted with pigeon crap. Then he eats lunch on a nearby bench usually while reading porn thinly disguised a monthly magazine for janitors. Let me clarify, he touches me, washing avian fecal matter, then immediately sits down and eats a sandwich, without washing his hands. Ugh. He skeeves the hell out me. Other than that and the occasional tourist and the odd couple, it’s really just the same boring day that it was yesterday.
That was until I saw Discord floating around, eyeing up the other statues.
“This one? No…too fat…no, too many gears…too thin…not enough heads…ugh! Too symmetrical!” Then he saw my statue.
“Sweet Vegan-Cranberries, you’re ugly!” Discord recoiled before forming a grin literally wider than his face, and began tapping on my helmet. “-And fascinating! You’re perfect. And hired! And free…” As soon as he said the word ‘free’ I attempted to move, taking a step forward and off my pedestal. I was about to thank before when I noticed a few things. I was completely transparent, I was floating a few inches off the ground, and looking behind me I notice that my statue was, in fact, still there. I probably felt lighter, or less solid then before, but honestly when you’ve been stone for a couple of centuries you forget what feeling normal is like, even if I only remember the last few years or so.
I then return my focus to Discord. “What the hell man.” Is what I tried to say. Of course being incorporeal, I didn’t make any sound. Though it seems Discord heard me, somehow.
He just keeps floating with a mischievous smile still plaster on his smug face. “Well…if you let me finish, I would have said ‘you’re free to wander the gardens until spell wears off in about a year’s time and you’re then really free.’ If you were patient you could exploring by now. I’ll just leave your payment by that town by the Everfree, don’t worry I’ll make you’ll be able to find it.” And with that he vertically split in half. One half flying into the clouds like it was Superman, while the other dived into a puddle of what I’m hoping was chocolate milk. I just stood there for a few moments thinking.
‘So what now?’
≈ For every act, there is a Flashback. ≈
~ 652 A.N. (349 Years Ago) ~
"Oh come on bro." My best friend, Frank, continued to beg over the phone.
"No." I firmly replied once again, knowing well that he was near his breaking point. Besides there was no way I was going to act for free.
"Fine, what do you want." he relented. Victory is mine!
I smiled with mock cruelty. “Well, my dear Frank West. My demands are the following. First, I want the right to complain about anything I want to you…for a year. The second, I want the after-party to be huge. Not just the cast and stuff, like at least two hundred people. And……I want you buy me lunch…every time I’m on the set.” Yep, making your first demand as high as you can think of, then go down from there. Grandpa always was a great negotiator.
"Deal, but I’ll only buy you lunch when you’re on set to shoot a scene."
I paused a moment to think it over. “Agreed," Of course in all of this excitement of me getting a part in a movie, even if was a low-budget fan film, I realized I haven’t once asked about the character I was going play. "So what’s the part?"
"Ever play Bioshock 2?" Frank asked, knowing full well the answer.
"Of course, it’s my favorite game, why?" I said, a pit forming in my stomach. I wasn’t entirely sure if the feeling was joy, or dread.
"Well, I need you to be one of the minor characters." he said, my curiosity raising with every word.
"So a splicer then?" I asked, getting confused. Why would Frank specifically need me? I wasn’t an actor, and I knew that Frank had plenty of friends who were…unless-
"No, I want you to be a Big Sister." Frank stated. I knew he was serious, so with that I did the standardized response for such a statement. I inflicted myself a minimal amount of pain by lightly slapping myself in the forehead. Commonly referred to as the ‘face palm.’
You might be wondering, ‘Mike, you concentrated source of [insert sexual based compliment here], why does your friend Frank desire you play a female role? We were led to believe you had a different set of chromosomes.’ And you would correct in that assumption that I am, in fact male. Frank probably wanted me to be a Big Sister because I was one of the few people he knew to fit the body build that was required to play a Big Sister. Tall, skinny, slightly effeminate, and a small chest. Honestly, because the amount of growth hormones in meat nowadays that last reason was probably why he was having such hard time finding a female actor with that criteria. He also probably remembered that time I ate a pound of Skittles while trying to get the achievements ‘Big Brass Balls’ and ‘Against All Odds’ at the same time in one sitting when Bioshock 2 had originally been released. Yeah, I could act just like a Big Sister.
"It’s too late to back out of this isn’t it?" I sighed. I really didn’t want more guys to hit on me thinking that I’m a chick, only to retract their flirting when they realize I’m a dude. Then they usually than starts the insults because of their goddamn homophobia. And then I start beating the snot out of them. I really couldn’t afford another incident with the police.
"You know it. Your first scenes Monday at the Aquarium. Got Jimmy to pull a few strings. Anyway, be there at 10 o’clock sharp." Frank hung up and I sighed again. But a deal was a deal.
≈ For every choice, there is an echo. ≈
'Oh yeah, that's what happened' I thought to myself, finishing off my lunch, I put on my helmet, taking about ten minutes and a wrench to seal everything shut.
I had to hand it Frank. The man had connections. Seriously, whoever he got to make the costume knew his craft. It was entirely accurate to the video game and actually functioned as a diving suit, which was needed for a few of the previous scenes. I could do without the oxygen tank and Little Sister basket, it was really starting to kill my back. Frank thought it was perfect though, made me slouch just like a Big Sister. I swear, if this gives me arthritis, Frank is going to pay. At the very least he was going to pay for the medical bill.
I was about to leave to see if it was time for my final scene. Where, during the final moments before my death, I cause the area to flood and forces the protagonist to run, leap, and climb to safety. But before I left the room I saw something on the floor. It was a ring.
Upon picking up and examining the ring it was, well it was really expensive looking. It looked to be made of silver and had a fairly large red gem embedded on it, presumably a ruby. Around the gem was effigy a winged unicorn. Did somebody drop this?
Then without warning, the ring’s gem began to rapidly change colors like a strobe light.
“The fuck is this?!” I ever eloquently responded to the situation and dropping the ring in shock. Before the ring hit the floor, the air around it seemed to… shake and vanished in a puff of purple smoke. “The fuck was that?!” I shouted, all the while purple smoke began form around hand. Like before, the area around the smoke began to become disoriented. The smoke quickly dissipated to reveal the ring, on my ring finger. “The fu-“, was all I could say before the ceiling exploded, shaking the ground and revealing a massive swirling vortex. Its pull slowly raising me into it, I knew it was time for my last rights.
“WITH MY LAST WORDS, I CURSE ZOIDBERG! AND YOU TOO, FRANK WEST!” Was what I screamed before being consumed by some knock-off Stargate.
≈ That symbol on your page marks you a Scene Break. ≈
~ In a universe, where a fat Human freelance photojournalist and an extraterrestrial Yiddish crustacean that was a physician with no medical license became fire forged friends during their conquest against the legions of the undead. ~
"What was that Frank?" Dr. Zoidberg asked as he stabbed another zombie’s head off with his claws.
"It was as if..." Frank West stopped mid-sentence and pulled out his camera "Say, ‘Catchphrase!" Zoidberg stopped stomping a corpse’s skull, struck a pose and used his skills in ventriloquism to use the two decapitated zombie heads that were currently embedded in both of his claws as makeshift puppets.
“Hooray!” One head seemed to shout while the other made a strange ‘Whoop’-ing noise before the camera flashed.
"Fantastic. -that someone was cursing our very existence, and was suddenly silenced." Frank paused for dramatic affect. Then shrugged and took his daily dose of Zombrex.
≈ With each act, we change the world. ≈
~ 1,001 A.N. (After Nightmare Moon) ~
After Discord freed me, at least in a sense, I finally got to see what explore outside of my alcove and investigate the happenings that occur. Like two Royal Guards Frenching while on duty, and a noble making love to a butler. A few other groups were also doing the deed, though most of that was just end of the world sex. Which was understandable, what with the cotton candy chocolate rain clouds, four-legged books throwing pies at bystanders, the schizophrenic solar cycle, old ponies reenacting what I think were infomercials, and the occasional breakdancing building. Of course ‘end of the world sex’ is basically two people screaming ‘I don’t want to die a Virgin!’ and getting it on. Unfortunately, it’s less love, lust, and passion and more shaking, distress, and fear. Remember kids, Fear Sex is bad sex.
Fear Sex aside, things started return to normal after what I think was a few hours. The grass was no longer rebelling, clocks were no longer insulting ponies for wanting to check the time, and the cake stopped screaming about ponies eating his brethren. Discord’s defeat was confirmed when I saw Princess Celestia herself finally came to visit the Gardens, with a statue of Discord in tow. I decided to follow because…well I don’t have anything better to do.
Celestia was kind of what you expect from the way that her subjects talk about her. Staggeringly tall for a pony, standing a little taller than me if you don’t count that foot long horn. She also sported massive wings, a snow white coat, a flowing mane consisting of blues, greens, and pinks, and the largest bust I have ever seen. Seriously, I’m no expert on breasts (no matter how much I wish I was) but those things had to at least be an E cup! She had the golden tiara with the purple gem embedded and wearing a long dress was the same shade of white as her coat with a gold trim, it wafting on an unknown breeze much like her mane. Unfortunately, closer inspection of her dress showed that she wore dress pants underneath them.
“Well Discord, your back in where you belong. Is there anything you have to say? You should-” Queen Fire-thighs the Wide questioned redundantly, continuing on about how Discord should learn his lesson, good will always conquer evil and stuff that would only be interesting to someone who’s never heard anything memorable ever. All the while not knowing that Discord was, in fact giving her an answer to the question.
“Yes, there’s a disembodied spirit attempting to motor-boat you.” Discord answered, pulling off a delightful impression of the social elite.
And I was, and although the invisibility was lovely, there were disadvantages to being immaterial. Like the inability to fondle!
After taking a minute to compose myself to stop tears from forming, I thought it would be a good idea to distract myself.
I continued to ignore the Most Royal and Ancient Pony of Hot Pastries, who was still going on about something, and started up a conversation with Discord. “So Mr. Miles, how was your vacation?”
“Oh bite my dirty bucket.” He grumbled.
“Fine, be that way. I was going give you a bit of information relating to ever wonderful subject of freedom. But I guess you don’t want to be free.” I smiled under my helmet and slowly began to float away.
"Wait!" Discord mentally shouted. And I turned around to face him. "What do you mean?" he queried, gotcha.
“Oh, now you want to know? Well now it’s going to cost you. A favor for a favor if not, you’re going to-“, I gasped. “Oh, I almost gave away the secret, didn’t I?” I giggled a little at Discord’s obvious frustration. “So what do yeah say?”
Discord actually growled a bit before he responds. “Ugh, fine. It’s a deal, a favor for a favor.” I knew Discord’s type. He may be petty, short-sighted, over confident, manipulative, and thinks himself better than everypony else. Twisting the truth instead outright lying, and most importantly, keeping his end of an agreement.
“Well, you didn’t her this from me, but I know for a fact that in about a year, Solar Glut here-“, pausing to point towards the Princess in question, who was still spouting what I think was a list of charges. What does ‘indecent assault and incoherent battery of property by use of fruit’ even mean? “-is going send you off and release you, with hopes of being reformed by learning the Magic of Friendship.”
Yeah, I remember seeing that Discord redemption episode from the TV show. Yes, I know I’m in some kind of alternate reality to the Television program of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. No, I am not a brony. A friend, Ferry Directions I think his name was, made a bet with me about liking the show. I watch an episode and if I wasn’t a fan I win. It was okay, nothing special. It was one of the best ways I remember wining a hundred bits though.
It really says something about humanity when, after years of isolation, I’ve forgotten the names and faces of everypony I love, but I can still remember stuff like quotes from popular Sci-fi movies, the plot of ‘meh’ TV shows, and the lyrics to Billy Joel’s ‘The Longest Time.’
‘At least I remember the important things.’ I snidely think to myself.
Discord’s laughing stops my previous line of thinking. “So your saying, all I have to do is pretend to be friends with one of those sticks in the mud and I’m off scot free?”
I simply nod before I notice Celestia was leaving. “Hey sorry about leaving you to your lonesome, but I want to see what Elder Sunburn is up to.” I tell Discord, chasing after the Princess.
≈ Love is just a chemical. ≈
~ 1,001 A.N. (After Nightmare Moon) ~
Following Burn Victim C3-L35714 was definitely one of the most interesting tours of the Royal Canterlot Statue Garden I’ve been on. It showcased plenty of the more secluded and otherwise unknown areas. Like that hidden gazebo surrounded by rose bushes, it was made specifically for a private and romantic evening between two (or more) lovers. From what I could tell from the extended walk around the gardens and the glances at the statues, Celestia was checking to make sure nopony else escaped from there prisons. After a long and surprisingly enjoyable walk, we soon reached my prison and I was about give her a blow kiss goodbye. Both to finish our date and cement our relationship status as ‘Warden’ and ‘Stalker who follows Royalty around for an hour and a half because she honestly has too much free time.’ But then the Princess started talking to me, or at least my statue. Which was, odd. The only other prisoner Princess Celestia had spoken to was Discord. It made it stranger was what Celestia was actually saying.
“Hello again Little One, it has been a while hasn’t it?” Gone was Celestia’s stern ‘you shall obey’ gaze she had been giving to the others, in its place was a tired, sad smile.
She knows me? She’s been here before?
“I’m sorry I haven’t visited in the last few years. But I hope you understand. My sister Luna is back. She’s actually back!” She spoke, almost in disbelief.
I had heard about there being a new Princess from a few of the tourists. I suppose Luna’s the new Princess. But where did Luna go?
Celestia smile faltered when continued speaking. “Though, she’s having a much harder time re-adjusting than I had originally thought, she is making progress. I’m sorry, but I have to keep you in that cage if just a little while longer Little One.” She paused again, her voice becoming gradually more determined. “But I promise. Both my sister and I will free you of that…monster that’s hurting you. Just like we did with Luna’s monster. Bu-but p-please, be patient.” Celestia’s words lost confidence at the end, and her voice began to crack. Then she started crying! And hugging me.
‘Why is she doing this!? Why is she doing this!?’ The mantra echoed in my head. Mentally freaking out. Princess Celestia, my captor, my jailor, my warden. Was hugging me. After a few moments Princess Celestia composed herself, and left.
Calming down myself. I realized that there was something that Celestia had said back then that was making feel, something. It felt as if my heart was falling ill as an inferno was tearing at my insides. But none of those feeling were bringing me pain, but I didn’t like this feeling. It felt wrong. It was bad. Like God was going fall asleep in the water.
≈ We give it meaning by choice. ≈
~ 1,002 A.N. (After Nightmare Moon) ~
The year passed rather quickly after the incident with Celestia. The two of us have, or rather had, some kind of, relationship. I suppose I could ask Discord, but I’m almost positive that he doesn’t know anything, he’s been here longer than have after all. And if I did ask him, Discord would count that as our favor. It took three months just to convince him that letting me wander wasn’t the favor. Discord and I did have some fun together though. I taught him a few songs that we could sing together while he had a near endless supply of tales. It was also how I found out why Bananas are apparently considered high-level contraband.
Other than that the year was uneventful with a notable exception.
Sometime around spring, Canterlot was placed under military lock down, and had some kind of barrier across the entire city. About a month later the shield broke and a swarm of Butterfly ponies invaded. They even tried to steal my statue before the force was repelled with a wave of pink energy. Afterwards some ponies at the castle had a little victory party, with a purple unicorn doing the opening act. She had a decent singing voice, but her dancing was starting to hurt my eyes after a few seconds of watching.
But that was then. And tonight is the night I go free, I could feel it.
Eventually the stone slowly started to break off. Piece by piece before my prison shattered. Then all of Canterlot could hear my freedom.
