Chapters Strange Bedfillies (Or: Nopony Loves Twilight Sparkle)
"Pinkie Pie," Twilight Sparkle said, very carefully, "why are you in my bed?"
Pinkie blinked her big blue eyes (which, Twilight had to admit, weren't the worst of sights to wake up to). "Because it was cold, silly!"
Twilight stared. "I...do have a guest bed?" she managed.
"Oh, I know, but this one's much more comfortable. And I know you would've slept in the guest bed and let me into your bed but this seemed so much easier. Now enough talking!" Pinkie rolled out of bed, giggling. "What do you want for breakfast? I would've made something earlier, but I was afraid I would wake you up if I tried getting up before you did. Did you know you're really cuddly when you sleep? It was kinda nice, but it makes it hard to get comfortable!" Pinkie Pie rocked back and forth on her hooves. "Then again, after last night, I can totally understand where you were coming from!"
"Last night?" Twilight said. Bits and pieces of the previous evening began to come back to her. The wedding reception. Bouquet toss. Dancing. Whiskey.
"Uh oh."
"Oh, don't worry! It wasn't nearly as bad as that one Tuesday where we had a party and you got liquored up and then wound up barfing on the carpet! You're learning quick! I'm not surprised. I always said you were really smart. We just danced and had a few drinks and then you had a few more drinks and said 'let's go home!' and I said 'okay!' And then you had a few more drinks and I made sure you made it back here 'cause your place is closer and Mr. & Mrs. Cake don't like it that much when I come home really late and make a lot of ruckus. Especially when I bring somepony with me, because then you have TWO ponies making a ruckus! It's a good thing Spike's such a heavy sleeper."
"So...let me get this straight." Twilight Sparkle said. "We...were drinking at the reception last night."
"Of course!"
"And then we started dancing."
"Well, duh!"
"And then we both came back here."
"Yep!"
"Uh." Twilight Sparkle squinted at Pinkie Pie, "Does that mean we...uh...you know..."
"I know...what?"
Twilight felt her cheeks glow. "Did...stuff?"
"What kind of stuff?" Pinkie's expression was one of the utmost innocence (as usual).
"You know." Twilight pawed at the floor. "Stuff ."
"OooooOooooooh." Pinkie Pie said. "Thaaaaaaaat." She giggled.
"Uh. Yeah." Twilight Sparkle coughed, and wondered if she was going to have to write a very special letter to Princess Celestia.
"Nope!" Pinkie Pie said.
"...No?" Twilight shook her head just to clear the last vestiges of sleepy fatigue from her mind.
"Nope!" Pinkie Pie repeated. "Perfectly innocent! Platonical! Really Twilight, can't two ponies sleep in the same bed without everyone leaping to conclusions about what they're DOING in that bed? I mean, beds are nice and comfy for sleeping, but I'd much rather do stuff somewhere more interesting, y'know? Like, standing up, or in the bathtub, or outside, or there's this one time I got a bunch of rope and managed to dangle from the ceiling while the other pony-"
"Wait." Twilight Sparkle said, "...are you saying we didn't?"
"Not a thing!" Pinkie giggled. "I mean, around three in the morning you were kind of like 'alahlalhlahl' and had your tongue out, but I think that's just 'cause you drool when you sleep."
"I do not drool in my sleep!" Twilight Sparkle wiped at the corner of her mouth anyway.
"If you say so!" Pinkie Pie nodded. "Don't worry, I won't tell anypony."
"Uh. Thanks. I think?"
"Anyway! You don't have to worry, 'cause like I was saying, we didn't do any stuff."
"You're sure?"
"You would've remembered if we did." Pinkie Pie shot Twilight a sly wink. "Besides, you're not my type."
"I'm not?" Twilight Sparkle blurted, perhaps too quickly.
"Nope!" Pinkie Pie giggled, "I mean, I love ya, Twilight, but only 'friend' love. Not 'unf unf unf' love, y'know?"
"Unf unf unf?" Twilight said.
"Should I find a book on it somewhere?" Pinkie Pie proceeded to peruse the periodicals.
"You don't need to do that, no. But...uh. Hypothetically. If you're not interested in, um...unf-ing, what about that one time I pulled that prank on you and Rainbow Dash? With the package from Princess Celestia? If I hadn't told you it was a prank, you sounded like you would've-"
"Oh!" Pinkie Pie bounced on her hooves, "That was different!"
"How?"
"There would've been three of us! Rainbow Dash is a hoooooottie, if you didn't notice. And you had that big wobbly thing that I'd never seen before, and I'm always happy to try new things!" the pink pony stopped in her tracks- and then began to zip around Twilight's room, rummaging through closets and under the bed. "You don't still have that thing, do you?"
"Er, no."
"Oh, pooh. But like I said, I love ya anyway!" Pinkie Pie pulled Twilight into a (just) friendly hug. "Now don't sound so disappointed!"
"I'm not disappointed!"
"Okay, great! Now what kinda pancakes would you like?"
Pinkie Pie made blueberry pancakes.
They were delicious.
"Whatcha thinkin' 'bout, Twilight?" Pinkie Pie said.
"Oh, uh. Pancakes."
Twilight Sparkle munched on another mouthful, and allowed herself a thoughtful 'hm.' Honestly, this was the best breakfast she'd had in quite some time. She made a mental note to start reading more cookbooks. Then again, having Pinkie Pie over on a semi-regular basis would be far easier, she had to admit.
It was only the most logical solution.
"Really?" Pinkie Pie said. "Because you're getting that 'ooooo I am thinking really hard' look on your face, and I think pancakes are a really funny thing to get all philosophical over, but what do I know? I'm not a super-smart magic unicorn wizard pony, like you! I bet there's like the secrets of the universe hidden in that pancake! They must be really small though, 'cause it's so flat. But, oh! That wouldn't work, because everypony knows the world isn't flat, it's round! So really, if you're gonna search for the secrets of the universe, you should get an orange or something!" Pinkie Pie immediately started to rummage through Twilight Sparkle's kitchen, somehow rattling every pot, bowl, plate, and bit of cutlery all at once.
On second thought, Twilight mused, maybe having Pinkie Pie as a semi permanent resident wasn't the best of ideas.
"Here you go!" Pinkie Pie deposited an orange on the table in front of Twilight. "I'd love to stick around and contemplate universes with you, but it's already kinda late in the morning and I need to go check on Gummy 'cause if he doesn't see me for awhile, he'll forget who I am! It's the whole dinosaur-brain thing, I think. Like, he's got one brain in his head and one in his butt, so you'd think he'd be twice as smart, but no! Maybe I should've gotten an elephant as a pet, 'cause they never forget! But then where would I keep all those peanuts? And since it's called Sugarcube Corner and not Peanut Palace I have to go so byeeeeee!"
Pinkie Pie bounced away.
Twilight blinked a few times, and looked down to the orange in front of her. She looked out the open door, then shrugged and began to peel the fruit. She didn't find universal enlightenment within, but Twilight remembered reading somewhere that Vitamin C helped with hangovers. That...kind of counted for something, right?
Strange Bedfillies (Or: Nopony Loves Twilight Sparkle)
Twilight supposed it did. After eating the orange and drinking down a tall glass of water, she felt remarkably refreshed. She wasted little time in finding the very valuable and scientific second opinion that would definitely put her mind at ease. After all, Twilight mused, this was just a matter of etiquette- and who better than the most refined and cultured pony in town to answer her questions? Twilight rapped gently on the door to Carosel Boutiqe. "Er, hello?"
"Oh, Twilight!" Rarity said as she opened the door, "what a pleasant surprise! What can I do for you today? Oh! I know! You can come in and take a look at some sketches I've been working on- I'm sure you'll be absolutely dazzled." Rarity fluttered her eyelashes at Twilight Sparkle. If the designer felt any aftereffects from the previous night's revelry, she certainly knew how to hide it
"Er- maybe next time?" Twilight managed, "Right now, I just kinda wanted somebody to talk to."
"Something bothering you, darling?" The white unicorn bit at her lower lip, concerned.
"No." Twilight Sparkle said. "Er...yes. Maybe."
"Oh? Do tell!" Rarity leaned in. "Let me guess- you just got caught up in the moment last night, didn't you? It's practically tradition in most weddings. Which, I might add, is a bit ironic. After all, the ceremony's devoted to commitment, but it's also inevitably responsible for a rash of one night stands. But, philosophizing aside..." Rarity nudged Twilight, "Who's the lucky colt? It wasn't that pony with the hourglass cutie mark you've been pining after, was it?"
"There wasn't any colt-" Twilight Sparkle began.
"Gasp!" Rarity said the full word, "a mare, then? Must have been inspired by the bridal couple. Good for you, Twilight! So, who did you-"
"No, wait-" Twilight shook her head, "You got it all wrong! Pinkie Pie stayed the night at the library and-"
"Pinkie Pie?" Rarity sputtered, "But you're not her type!"
"That's what she said!" Twilight said.
"Now's not the time for jokes, dear."
"That wasn't a joke. That's what Pinkie Pie actually said." Twilight frowned.
"Oh? What's the problem, then?"
"That is the problem!"
"It is?"
"It is!" Twilight said. "It's just, uh...y'know. I don't want to have a fling with Pinkie Pie. I think. it's just...well, how come she doesn't want to? What's wrong with me?"
"Oh, Twilight! There's nothing wrong with you, per-se. I mean, admittedly, you could stand to do more with your mane, and your flank is a tad...less full than most ponies tend to prefer, but those are just minor things! After all, you're smart and charming and in possession of a scintillating personality- that is, when you're not sequestering yourself for research for days at a time, or being pedantic to anypony within hearing distance...but those are minor, minor things!"
"They are?"
"Of course! You can't blame Pinkie Pie for having her own...predilections, you know. Everypony has them, whether they admit it or not."
"Heh, I guess you're right. So what's your...predilection, then? Well-bred unicorns with deep pockets?"
"Twilight!" Rarity said, "I am insulted that you would accuse me of something so base! I am insulted, and scandalized. It's a good thing we're such good friends, allowing me to so graciously look past such poorly chosen words."
"Oh! Sorry!"
"Don't worry, Twilight. Thankfully, our friendship's deep enough that I can easily forgive you." Rarity turned her nose up in haughty indignation. "I also rather understand where you're coming from, as...there was a time when you could describe my preferences as such. But that was just a foolish, girlish desire formed from the reading of too many cheap romance novels. Now, I've...broadened my horizons."
"You have?"
"Of course! I've been reading different cheap romance novels! Why, did you know there's a whole sub-genre devoted to stories out on the frontier? It's like Appleoosa, just with more...dramatics. It's fascinating! All rough canvas and soft gingham. Oooh!" Rarity shivered. "So now, I'm dreaming of a more...down to earth sort of pony, you know. Somepony strong. Daring. Honest. Somepony who shall sweep me off of my hooves and carry me off into the sunset. Somepony quiet, but well spoken nonetheless. Perhaps even somepony with an appropriately rugged hat." Rarity fanned herself with one hoof.
"Uh." Twilight said as the pieces began to fall into place, "you're not talking about-"
"Big MacIntosh?" Rarity said, "well, I must admit he looks like he should be gracing the cover of one of those tawdry romances, but every time I so much as mention him, Applejack gets all huffy and reminds me he's apparently involved with that one mailpony. Honestly, Twilight, you would think that the older sibling would be the more protective one."
"Well, it's not like Applejack needs much protecting." Twilight said.
"Too true!" Rarity laughed. "Sometimes I wonder if she's just being...quarrelsome, just on principle."
"You two do argue a lot." Twilight said.
"Mmm. I suppose we do, don't we? It's...surprisingly enjoyable, honestly. All in good fun. Or, ah...mostly in good fun. I suppose it's just more of a challenge, to get a pony as stubborn as her to admit how absolutely stunning I am." Rarity preened, and pushed a lock of her hair behind her ear.
"Psh. 'S more challengin' ta get ya ta stop talkin', more like." Applejack trotted in through the open door and glared at Rarity.
"Applejack! Were you eavesdropping?" Rarity spun about.
"Nope. Why, was there somethin' you're 'fraid I was eavesdroppin' on?"
"No." Rarity said, flatly, "but if you're through interrupting, I don't suppose you'd care to enlighten Twilight and I as to the exact reason for your visit?"
"'m here for my hat."
"Your hat?" Rarity blinked, "Just, ah, why would your hat be here?"
"'cuz ya stole it."
"And why would I do that?"
"'I reckon it was 'cuz you was drunk."
"Applejack!" Rarity gasped. "How could you say such mean, uncouth things about me? After all, don't you know, a Lady of my standing doesn't get drunk, darling."
"Coulda fooled me." Applejack leaned in, glaring at Rarity.
"Oh, I admit, I did have a few drinks at the reception." Rarity gestured airily with one hoof. "But that was all."
"More than a few, iffin' ya ask me." Applejack said, flatly.
"Yes, well. I might have gotten caught up in the moment, and who could blame me? Even still, a Lady does not get drunk. I was merely...flush, that's all."
"Flush? Whassat mean? Ya didn't get sick in the bathroom after I left, didja?"
"No no no!" Rarity said, horrified. "Not that sort of...flushing. More like a blush, almost. Just without the embarassment. Flush, blush, you get the idea, don't you?"
"Uh, I guess. But flush or blush or whatever you were, ya still stole my hat. That were my pappy's hat, n' I'm gonna need ta get it back."
"Well, I couldn't tell you where it is, but I'm sure it's around here somewhere..." Rarity trailed off.
Applejack narrowed her eyes. "You tellin' me ya didn't just steal my hat, ya done went n' lost it?" She planted her hooves defiantly, as if preparing for a brawl.
"She's not saying that at all!" Twilight Sparkle stepped between Applejack and Rarity before further mayhem could ensue. "She just, uh...misplaced it, that's all. Here, I've got an idea. Just let me get a hair from your mane, Applejack- I'm sure there's a hair or two stuck to the inside of your hat, and I can use the symbological connection between the pair in order to establish a thaumaturgical link, at which point it'll be simple enough to establish a dowsing cantrip, and-"
"Oh, here it is." Rarity levitated a familiar brown cowpony hat out from behind her fainting couch. "Sorry, Applejack, I can't imagine how it got there." She placed the hat back onto Applejack's head, then started fussing with it in order to get it at just the right rakish angle. Applejack pulled in a deep breath, and endured the little indignation.
"Perfect!" Rarity said, and took a step back, "now then, Applejack, since you're here, you can help me help Twilight."
"Twilight needs help?" Applejack perked up, her earlier dourness forgotten now that she had her hat back. "Shoot, y'all know I'll always pitch in for anythin'-"
"Perfect!" Rarity clapped her front hooves together, "you see, Twilight's having romantic problems-"
"'cept that." Applejack added on.
"Really, Rarity, you guys don't need to worry about me," Twilight said, "I'm fine. Honestly. I mean, I don't even have any romance to have problems with."
"And that's the problem!" Rarity said. She looked on Twilight with a somewhat pitying look. "Why, you didn't see her earlier, Applejack. She was absolutely devastated . You see, Twilight's thoughts strayed to more amorous places last night, but simply lacks the confidence to get out there and get herself romantically entangled. And what better to give her confidence than a makeover! " Rarity savored the 'm' word with obvious delight.
"Oh no, there's no need for that." Twilight said.
Applejack nodded in agreement. "I ain't sure iffin' we're the best folk ta be helpin' Twilight with that sorta thing in the first place."
"Oh posh, Applejack! If not, us, who else? I, of course, will not only make Twilight a new and alluring outfit, but I'll teach her how to wear it, to the point where you won't even think about how plain and boring she might've been before."
"I'm plain?" Twilight said, frowning, "and boring?"
Rarity ignored the questions. "And you, Applejack- why, you're vital too! As your voice of down-home honesty will no doubt provide some vital nugget of wisdom that will allow Twilight to realize her true inner beauty. That, or you can introduce her to one of your many, many cousins." The white unicorn circled around Twilight, eying her in the manner typically reserved for sculptors and large chunks of marble. "Mmmm, yes. I can work with this. It'll be challenging, but there's potential." She murmured to herself as she rubbed at her chin.
"Ya ain't listenin', are ya?" Applejack frowned. "I mean, iffin' ya want some nugget of wisdom, I think you're forgettin' somethin'."
"And that is?" Rarity didn't bother to look back at Applejack as she reached for her measuring tape.
"When's the last time either of us had a date?" Applejack said.
"Oh." Rarity set her measuring tape down. "Well-"
"Gettin' Spike to do chores for ya don't count." Applejack added on.
"Hmf." Rarity wheeled around and glared at Applejack. "I suppose if you're going to be...pedantic, it has been some time. BUT." She held up a hoof. "My own, ah...dry spell, as it were, is entirely a matter of choice, I assure you. After all, I've my career to attend to. Why, if I did make it a point to be even more fabulous than I already am, I wouldn't get anything done! The line of suitors at the door would be entirely unmanageable."
"Iffin' you say so." Applejack said. Her lips pulled up into a wry smirk.
"I do say so!" Rarity said, perhaps too quickly, "why, if I put my mind to it, I could have any pony in town wrapped around my hoof!"
"Iffin' you say so." Applejack pulled the brim of her hat down, not bothering to look at Rarity.
"I do, in fact, say so!" Rarity turned her back on Applejack in turn. "In fact, I will do better than saying so, I will prove it so."
"N' just how're you gonna do that?" Applejack drawled.
"Dinner, at eight!" Rarity said, even if her tone made it sound more like 'Pistols, at dawn!'
"Er, wait-" Twilight began. Both of her friends ignored her.
"Shoot!" Applejack yokeled, "Issat it? You're makin' alla this fuss over me?"
"Fuss? Oh no." Rarity angled her nose up higher, just a fraction. "I'm just proving a point."
"Yeah, well. I don't reckon you're gonna be provin' much of anythin' anytime soon." Applejack said.
"Don't doubt me!" Rarity said, "I will charm your socks off!"
"Ha!" Applejack shot back. "Joke's on you. I ain't wearin' any socks!"
"Well, that's a pity, as you'd look absolutely darling in a nice set of stockings!"
"Maybe I don't wanna look darlin'!"
"Maybe I do!" Rarity said.
"Wait, you want me to look darlin', or you wanna look darlin' yourself?"
"BOTH." Rarity said, and turned around.
"WELL TOO BAD, 'CUZ ONLY ONE OF US IS GONNA BE THE PURDY ONE!"
"I DON'T CARE BECAUSE WE'RE GOING OUT ANYWAY AND IT. WILL. BE. MAGICAL."
"FINE!" Applejack shouted. By this point she was nose to nose with the white unicorn.
"FINE!" Rarity leaned forward as far as she could without gouging some important chunk out of Applejack's face.
"WHY'RE WE YELLIN'?" Applejack said.
"I DON'T KNOW!" Rarity shot back.
A brief silence fell over Carousel Boutique, and Applejack and Rarity backed away from each other like boxers returning to their respective corners.
"Hey, wait a tic." Applejack glanced around. "Where'd Twilight go?"
Twilight Sparkle frowned, mulling over what she'd learned. If Rarity was to be believed, all a girl had to do was sit around and look pretty enough in order to get that special somepony to come sweep her off of her hooves. It struck Twilight as a very passive way of going about things, but for some reason metaphors involving bees, vinegar, and honey came to mind.
Regardless, Twilight realized, nopony had come to her. This either meant she hadn't been waiting long enough, or she simply wasn't that enticing. Most logically, she realized, it was the latter. Rarity was right, Twilight decided. She was plain and boring. And who would want anything to do with that?
Twilight lowered her ears and held her head low. She sighed, the sad sound entirely out of place on such a lovely spring day in Ponyville. Pinkie was right- Twilight wasn't her type. Twilight, in fact, wasn't anypony's type, she realized. Nopony would be coming to sweep her off her hooves anytime soon, and probably not ever. There might be certain advantages to spinsterhood, Twilight decided- though she wasn't sure of what they were. A lack of distraction, at least, would allow her to get a great deal of research done.
Twilight was mulling over potential long-term projects when a multi-hued streak of speed incarnate slammed into her.
"Hey!" she said, turning head over flank a few times before she came to a halt- and found herself peering up at Rainbow Dash. "What do you think you're doing?"
"Twilight!" The pegasus' eyes were wide open in a shocked, worried expression. "You've got to help me! It's an emergency!"
"It is?" The unicorn scrambled to her hooves in a moment. "You know I'll always be here to help you, Rainbow Dash. What do you need?"
"Twilight." Rainbow Dash's voice broke, and she reached out to grab her friend by the shoulders. "This is really, really important, and I don't know any better way to say it..."
"It's okay," Twilight tried a reassuring smile, "you know you can say anything to me, Rainbow Dash. We're friends, right?"
"Okay." Rainbow Dash pulled in a deep, steadying breath. "Twilight Sparkle, will you marry me?"
Strange Bedfillies (Or: Nopony Loves Twilight Sparkle)
"What." Twilight Sparkle said.
"I know it's a lot to drop on you, on such short notice, but I wasn't able to sleep all night and I realized that this is the only way!"
Twilight Sparkle felt her jaw moving up and down a few times before the actual words could come. "I. Uh. Wow. I never knew." She bit at the inside of her cheek and pulled in a steadying breath, even as she felt her cheeks grow hotter and hotter.
"You're really the only pony for the job." Rainbow Dash fluttered her wings. "Besides, don't worry, it doesn't have to be for very long, because once it's taken care of, you've got to divorce me."
Twilight Sparkle blinked, then leaned forward to peer at Rainbow Dash. "What?"
"Like, right after you marry me, you've got to divorce me. You can do that, right? Or is there like a time requirement?" Rainbow Dash blinked a few times, and her cheeks tinted slightly. "Am I gonna have to, y'know, consulate the marriage?"
"What?" Twilight Sparkle found herself only able to form the one word.
"Y'know, consulate. Like..." Rainbow Dash looked over her shoulder, and then made an obscene gesture with her hooves. "Y'know. Stuff ."
Unsurprisingly, Twilight's inner grammarian spoke up first. "Did you mean...consummate?"
"Yeah, sure, that. Whatever the classy word is for when two ponies get it on."
"Er." Twilight Sparkle felt like her cheeks were capable of frying eggs. "Consummate is the word you're looking for."
"Oh, okay!" Rainbow Dash said, "if that's what I've gotta do, that's what I've gotta do." She nodded resolutely, draped a wing around Twilight Sparkle's shoulders, and pulled her in close. "C'mon, where should we do this? The Library, or City Hall?"
"Hold on!" Twilight said, perhaps a little too loud. A few passing ponies turned their heads curiously, to which Twilight could only reply with a pained smile. The passersby shrugged and headed on their way- slightly unhinged looks from Twilight Sparkle tended to be a fairly common sight. Twilight bit at her lower lip, and looked over at Rainbow Dash. "Don't you think you're taking this a little...fast?"
"Psh, remember who you're talking to. I do everything fast, baby. Everything ." Rainbow Dash puffed her wings out proudly. "Besides, we've got to hurry, so I can beat this stupid curse and get on with being awesome!"
"Wait, curse?" Twilight frowned. "You've lost me again."
"You know!" Rainbow Dash said, "From last night! Since I caught the flower bouquet thing, that means I've got to get married first! But the joke's on them, 'cause I'm just gonna get married so I can break the curse and then I'm getting divorced right after so I don't get all boring and stuff! You can't tie down Rainbow Dash! Now c'mon, we gotta find somepony hot who I can consummate with, and-"
"So," Twilight Sparkle said, "you didn't want to consummate with me?"
"Uh, no?" Rainbow Dash said, "I can't consummate you, because you've got to be the one doing all the paperwork for the wedding and the divorce. You love paperwork!"
"Oh." The epiphany hit Twilight like a bucket of cold water. "OOOOOOH," she forced another wan grin. "You...wanted me to preside over the marriage ceremony, not...actually...uh..." she trailed off.
Rainbow Dash stared at Twilight Sparkle as the pieces fell into place.
Then she broke out laughing.
Tears rolled down her cheeks, and Rainbow Dash rolled upon the ground, clutching at her sides.
"Hey!" Twilight said. "It's not that funny!"
"Oh, uh, right." Rainow Dash tried to suppress her laughter. She failed. Badly. "Sorry! It's just...you? And me ? Oh man, Twilight. I mean, we're best friends and everything, but...well, jeez. You're just not my type."
"Why does everypony keep saying that?"
"'cause...not many ponies like talky eggheads that have kinda scrawny flanks?" Rainbow Dash said. "I mean, uh, sorry Twilight, you're not exactly centerfold material."
"That shouldn't matter," Twilight said as she drew herself up taller, "everypony knows its what you're like inside that makes you who you are."
"Yeah, I guess you're right," Rainbow Dash nodded in agreement, 'but that just really means we can't get hitched. I mean, you're a great friend, Twilight, but even I know I'd be a terrible match for you. Really, I'd be a terrible match for anypony. I'm just too rad to get bogged down by all this lovey-dovey junk. I mean, can you imagine me getting all dopey and fluttery and domestic?" Rainbow Dash made a vaguely fish-lipped kissy-face, and mimed embracing some invisible pony. "Oh, I love you, snuggywuggums-" her expression broke into one of equal parts amusement and disgust. "Hah! I can't even say that much. Seriously, I think I threw up a little, just now."
"But," the unicorn said, "a relationship doesn't always have to be like that."
"Psh, like you're an expert. I mean, when's the last time you had a date?"
Twilight frowned. "What's that got to do with anything?"
"Hey, I'm just sayin', is all." Rainbow Dash shrugged. "Now, you gonna help me get un-cursed or not?"
Twilight Sparkle rubbed the bridge of her nose in frustration. "Okay, let's just take this one thing at a time, Rainbow Dash. There is no curse. The bouquet toss was just for fun. A game."
"A game?" Rainbow Dash said, "that's even worse! Because that means I've got to win. Like, I'm gonna have to marry two ponies now, right? Maybe three, just so I can set a record. That's how they do it in Salt Lick City, isn't it?"
"Not anymore, no." Unsurprisingly, Twilight's inner historian spoke up first. "That's actually an ugly stereotype perpetuated by-"
Rainbow Dash didn't let her finish. "Yeah yeah, I'll read the book later. All I care about is how to win this stupid flower marriage game thing."
"That's the thing, Rainbow Dash. Nopony cares or keeps track of who gets married after catching the bouquet It's not a game you win ."
"So it's a game...without a winner? That's kinda dumb."
"Well, it's just a tradition."
"Definitely dumb, then." There was a pause, and then Rainbow Dash's expression brightened. "Which means I don't really have to worry about getting married, do I?"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
"Sweet! But if somepony gets mad 'cause I'm holding up the gettin'-hitched line or whatever, I'm blaming you."
"I...don't think that'll be a problem."
"Right! Well, thanks for the help, Twilight!" The pegasus flapped her wings into a comfortable hover. "So now that I don't have to spend the whole afternoon getting married and divorced and stuff, wanna go do something? Oh! Is the new Daring Do book out yet? The last one ended on a cliffhanger and I need to find out what happened and make sure that it wasn't just some sort of weird fake-out!"
Twilight couldn't help but smile wanly at her friend's enthusiasm. "Whatever happens, I'm sure you'll love it, Rainbow Dash."
"Hey, hold on." Rainbow Dash squinted warily at Twilight. "Usually whenever I talk about books, you always get all enthusiastic and start blabbing on and on. And you're not blabbing. You feeling okay?"
"I'm fine, Rainbow Dash." Twilight sighed. "I'm just feeling a little down. A little confused."
"Whyssat?"
Twilight shrugged, and began to trot down Ponyville's main thoroughfare. Rainbow Dash fell into step (well, wingbeat) beside her. Embarrassed, she filled Rainbow Dash in on the day's events.
"Wait, that's it?" Rainbow Dash said, "seriously, if I had a bit for every time me and Pinkie Pie woke up together someplace weird..."
"Oh." Twilight felt a fresh twinge of uneasiness in her belly. "So you and Pinkie Pie are..."
"Not what you're thinking, jeez." Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "Somepony's got her mind in the gutter. I'm just saying I crash at Pinkie's sometimes. Or, uh, one time on top of Pinkie's. At least the roof was more comfortable than the time we wound up in a ditch overnight, but that was totally worth it."
"I guess you had to be there, huh?" Twilight said.
"Oh yeah, definitely. But anyway, don't get all worked up about it. You hang out with Pinkie Pie long enough, and things get crazy. But in a good way." Rainbow Dash canted her head to peer at Twilight. "Besides, it's not like you wanted to consulate her, right?"
"Consumate." Twilight said, reflexively.
"Uh, yeah. That. You...were just joking that one time with the package from Princess Celestia..." The pegasus' tone grew wary. "Weren't you?" Her voice cracked, if just a little.
Twilight looked flatly at Rainbow Dash.
"Just checking!" The Pegasus said.
"ANYWAY," Twilight said, pointedly, "it's not even that I want to get...involved with anypony. At least, I don't think so. It's just...it'd be nice to have the option, y'know? But really, the more I think about it, the more I realize that nopony would give me a second glance, all things considered."
"Oh!" Rainbow Dash said, "that's it? You're just afraid you're too much of a dork to get a boyfriend?"
"Rainbow!" Twilight snapped.
"Oh, sorry. You're afraid you're too much of a dork to get a girlfriend?"
"Rainbow!" Twilight said, even snappier. Again, random passers-by turned their heads at the little display, and soon dismissed it once they realized it was just Twilight Sparkle being slightly unhinged again.
"Just keeping my bases covered here." Rainbow Dash huffed.
"Y'know what?" Twilight said, "forget I even said anything. Dwelling on it now just won't be productive."
"The heck with that!" Rainbow Dash swooped down in front of Twilight. "'Cause I just got an idea."
Twilight backed up a few paces. "What...kind of idea?"
"An awesome one, duh." Rainbow Dash rubbed her front hooves together in anticipation, and looked over the bustling Ponyville street. The pegasus' eager grin widened as soon as she saw a certain brown pony with a hourglass cutie mark trot from around the corner.
Twilight Sparkle followed her friend's gaze, and pulled in a quick, panicked breath. "Oh no. You're not going to-"
"Don't worry Twilight." Rainbow Dash grinned wider than it seemed physically possible. "I'm gonna get you a date if it's the last thing I do."
Strange Bedfillies (Or: Nopony Loves Twilight Sparkle)
"You don't have to do that," Twilight said very, very quickly.
"The heck I don't! Or, uh...the heck I do, or...whatever! You're not gonna quit whining 'til you get a date, so I'm gonna get you a date. Now go over there and ask that dude out already!"
"No." Twilight put her hoof down. "I can't just...I mean...I don't think..." She shook her head and looked back at Rainbow Dash. "I'm not doing it, and you can't make me."
"Wanna bet?" The pegasus' grin grew wider, nearly predatory. She reared back on her hind legs, and then rocketed towards Twilight. Before Twilight could react, Rainbow Dash had scooped her up like an eagle snaring a trout, and flew out into the Ponyville plaza.
"Rainbow!" Twilight said, "let me go!"
"Okay!" Rainbow Dash did just that.
Thankfully, Twilight didn't fall far. Rainbow Dash had dropped her atop a fruit stall's awning. The taut fabric bowed, then snapped back into place, trampolining Twilight out onto the ground. She landed in a graceless heap, and groaned.
Twilight did a quick once-over of herself as she got back up to her hooves. She knew she'd been through worse, but that didn't make the jarring impact any less pleasant. Aside from a few mussed places in her coat, she didn't appear to be any worse for the wear. It was only after Twilight finished her checklist that she registered somepony speaking to her.
"I said, are you alright, miss?"
Twilight turned, and, sure enough, there was that brown-haired pony with the hourglass cutie mark. In the distance, Twilight could see Rainbow Dash poking her head up from behind a cloud, watching.
"Oh! Uh, I'm fine," Twilight said, "thanks, though."
"Good to hear it." The brown pony glanced upwards, "there won't be any more of you, will there? As I imagine it'd be quite inconvenient if unicorns started raining from the sky."
"Er, no. Just a freak accident, that's all."
"Righto! I just thought I'd check. Now, if you'll excuse me..."
"Wait!" Twilight glanced up at Rainbow Dash, then back to the brown pony. "Look, I know this may be a little forward, but, uh, I was wondering if you might like to, y'know, have dinner sometime. With me?" She paused, and then added on, "My name's Twilight Sparkle."
"Ah, thank you, but I'm afraid I'm not particularly hungry at the moment."
"Well, it doesn't have to be dinner. Coffee, maybe?"
"To tell the truth, I'm more of a tea drinker, but-" The brown pony canted his head to the side suddenly, and looked at the purple unicorn. "Hold on. This is...one of those matters, isn't it? I can tell because you've got that slightly-mad look about you, like you're doing something you haven't done before. Quite darling, honestly. I approve. But! I'm absolutely sure you're an absolutely lovely filly, but I'm afraid I must decline. For one, I'm just passing through."
"Oh! Well, if scheduling's a problem, I can always work something out-"
"Also, I'm married."
"You are?" Twilight felt her cheeks flush in embarrassment. "Oh."
"I'm sorry, Miss Sparkle- don't look so surprised! Though I have to admit, it took me off guard as well. She's a lovely filly, though. You'd like her! Her name's Riversong- she's an academic, like you! Sort of. More of a first-hand archeologist but that's beside the point. We just got married next Tuesday, you know."
"Oh," Twilight said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know."
"Yes, well, there's no real reason you would, given the circumstances. But, I'm afraid I'd best be on my way. Time's wasting, after all!" The brown pony shook Twilight's hoof, and bounded off to disappear around a corner.
Within moments, Rainbow Dash was at Twilight's side once again. "Okay, so how'd it go? Get a date yet?"
"He wasn't interested." Twilight sighed. "Really, I shouldn't be surprised."
"Psh! You're not gonna give up, are you?" Rainbow Dash said in her best (if squeaky) 'personal trainer' voice. "I didn't think you were a quitter, Twilight!"
"I'm not!" Twilight said.
"Good! 'cause I know just the guy you need to talk to. Seriously, he's a friend of mine, and he's super buff, and I'm pretty sure he's single. So c'mon, let's go!"
Twilight took a step backwards. "You're not gonna throw me at this guy, are you?"
"That depends, are you gonna go willingly or not?"
Twilight Sparkle looked around the gym, and easily picked out the pegasus Rainbow Dash had foisted on her. Or had she been foisted on him? Either way, Twilight decided that there was entirely too much foisting going on for her own comfort. At least Rainbow Dash wasn't dropping her this time. Twilight looked warily over her shoulder, and then back to the pony she'd come to see. "Uh, hi. Benchpress, right? My name's Twilight Sparkle."
"Yeah?" The big white pegasus said, breathily. He pushed a heavily-laden weight bar upwards with his front hooves, grunted, and then brought it slowly back down across his chest again. The weights clinked against each other with each move of Benchpress' powerful, bulging shoulders.
Twilight scratched at the back of her neck as she searched for something to say. She hadn't expected the pegasus to keep working out even as she talked to him. But then again, what reason did he have to stop? "So, uh, yeah. I'm a friend of Rainbow Dash's. You know Rainbow Dash, right?"
"Yeah!" Another rep, and sweat began to bead on Benchpress' forehead.
"I guess you two would get along, wouldn't you? I mean, it looks like both of you take your exercise very seriously."
"YEAH!"
Twilight blinked a little at Benchpress' loudness, but she figured it was just a side effect of the workout endorphins the big guy was obviously feeling. "So, uh, anyway...this is kind of a silly idea, but my friend Rainbow had the crazy idea that you and I might...well, what I mean to say is, wanna get a coffee or something sometime?"
Benchpress blinked. With a grunt, he placed the weight bar back onto its stand, and then he rolled off of the weight bench and onto his hooves. He still panted a little from his weight lifting, though he soon drew in a steadying breath.
"Miss Sparkle, I'm flattered," he said, sounding surprisingly sophisticated, "and, while I'm sure you would be wonderful company, I'm afraid I just went through a rather messy breakup recently. I'm honestly not ready to start pursuing other relationships right now. It wouldn't be fair to either of us."
"Oh, I'm sorry." Twilight said, mostly out of reflex.
Benchpress smiled. "I should be the one apologizing, really. I know it's unkind of me to turn you down, but it's probably for the best this way." He took up a barbell by its specially-designed hoof-strap. As soon as he began to lift it, that same determined, nigh-maniacal look crossed Benchpress' features again.
"Well, uh, I guess I could just keep that in mind and maybe talk to you later?"
"Yeah!"
"Okay, new plan." Somewhere along the line, Rainbow Dash had picked up her baseball cap and coaching whistle. Twilight was afraid to ask why. "Right. So we've tried getting you a date with a pony you thought you'd like, then we tried getting you a date with a pony I thought you'd like, so now we're going to try something different."
"And that is?" Twilight asked.
"We're gonna get you a date with a pony nobody likes!"
"What."
"No, it's perfect! I've got just the dude in mind. You'll like him! He's kind of an egghead, like you! Only he's also kinda gnarly looking and wears an ugly tie and I heard he smells kind of funny."
"You shouldn't say such mean things about ponies, Rainbow." Twilight chided.
"All I'm saying is that there's no way a weenis like him could ever say no to a girl like you, Twilight! And then you'll say something like "don't judge a book by its cover," and it'll turn out that he's not so bad after all 'cause he's kind of funny or 'cause he's stupid rich because of some invention thing or 'cause he's really got a huge-"
"Let's not get ahead of ourselves." Twilight said. "Look, Rainbow, as much as I appreciate your help, I really don't think that this is any basis for a healthy relationship."
"Fine, fine." Rainbow Dash huffed, and pushed back the brim of her coaching cap. "Tell you what, just talk to this guy, okay? If it goes somewhere, great! If not, I'll stop trying to set you up with any more random dudes."
"Promise?"
"Pinkie Promise."
With this in mind, Twilight trotted over towards her latest, and theoretically last 'target.' He was a gangly pony- probably younger than she was. His glasses, bookish demeanor, and robot cutie mark all got her attention- maybe she and this colt would have something in common. On the other hoof, even she knew his bow tie wasn't exactly the height of fashion, much less the scrubbly beginnings of a mustache on his upper lip. But heck, those were just little things, right?
"Hi there!" Twilight said, brightly, "My name's Twilight Sparkle-"
"AUGH! GIRL!" The gangly pony said, and backed up a few steps.
"How good of you to notice." Twilight deadpanned.
"Stay away!" The pony backpedaled a few more steps, then pointed an accusatory hoof at Twilight. "Stay back! I know your game! You trot up, bat your eyelashes at me, flatter me to throw me off guard, and then BAM! You take my asparagus!"
"Your what?" Twilight blinked. "Is that some kind of euphemism?"
"But this time, it's different! This time, I know what you're after, and you won't be able to trap me with your feminine wiles!" The nerdish pony pushed his glasses back into place, and then took off at an awkward gallop.
Twilight realized she could probably catch up to him, if she tried...but she felt she just didn't have it in her. Instead, she just frowned, and said to herself, "But I don't have any of those..."
"Okay." Rainbow Dash materialized next to Twilight Sparkle, and watched the awkward pony with the robot cutie mark flee. "That could've gone better."
"Ya think?" Twilight said.
"Hey, some times you just strike out, y'know? Maybe he's got issues. Or maybe he likes dudes. Who knows?"
"So now what?" Twilight sighed, and sat down on her haunches, "are you gonna try telling me that last one didn't count, or something?"
"Nah. It's too late. Besides, you went and flirted with, what, three dudes today? That's got to be a record for you, I bet."
"Maybe." Twilight knew Rainbow Dash was right, but she didn't want to admit it.
"Besides, I'm a mare of my word. I said I'd stop pushing you at ponies after that last one, so we're just gonna call it at that. But, all of this running round's made me kinda hungry. Wanna get something to eat?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Great! I know just the place."
It wasn't until the waiter poured the wine that Twilight realized something.
Cafe Clydesdale didn't have the best food in Ponyville, nor the most helpful waitstaff, or even the best wine selection. What it did have, however, was ambiance. Everything about the little resturant was carefully calculated, with a very specific purpose. There were nine tables, spaced out just enough to skirt the line between 'cozy' and 'private.' Each table had exactly two chairs. The cafe's only illumination was provided by the barest minimum of candlelight- the sort of flickering light that lent an exotic allure to nearly anyone it showed. To top it off, a violinist wove her way between the tables, sawing out the sort of tangos and waltzes that deserved to be danced to.
In short, it was the most romantic restaurant in Ponyville.
"Oh no," Twilight said, and rubbed at her face with a hoof, "Rainbow Dash, are you doing what I think you're doing?"
"Uh. Maybe?"
"I know you're trying to help me, Rainbow- but just because I couldn't get a date on my own, doesn't mean you have to take me out to dinner out of, y'know...pity."
"Wait, what?" Rainbow Dash blinked in confusion. "It's not that!" she squeaked, "y'see, this is all part of my new plan!"
"You have a new plan?"
"Of course!" Rainbow Dash smiled smugly, leaned back in her chair, and took a sip of her wine. "See, it works like this. I make a big deal of hanging out with you, like, more than usual. Just pretend dates, see? Then everypony will think you're super hot and awesome. 'cause I'm super hot and awesome, get it? It's like, awesomeness by association."
Twilight just squeezed her eyes shut and drained her wineglass. "I'm...not sure if it works that way."
"Sure it does! It's a great plan! Look, Applejack's doing the same thing for Rarity right now." Rainbow Dash pointed to a point somewhere behind Twilight. The unicorn turned, and, sure enough, Applejack and Rarity sat in a dimly lit corner of the cafe, glaring at each other. Unable to help herself, Twilight perked her ears, catching just a bit of their hushed conversation.
"Applejack." Rarity hissed, "stop eating the flowers!"
"What for?" Applejack said, her voice somewhat muffled through a mouthful of petals.
"Don't you know you're supposed to use the flower fork for that?"
"What, this ol' thing?" The cowpony poked at one of the many, many utensils laid out before her. "Shoot, here I thought it was just a fancy backscratcher."
"Oh! Now you're just teasing me on purpose!"
"Been doin' that for awhile, sugarcube."
Twilight turned away from the pair and hid her face in the menu, hoping neither Applejack nor Rarity had seen her. Then again, to judge by the intensity of their bickering, it seemed somewhat unlikely.
"Anyway." Twilight said, and shook her head, "I appreciate your help, Rainbow Dash, but-" she didn't finish before Rainbow Dash splashed her wine in her face. "Gah!" Twilight sputtered, wiping the stingingly sweet red liquid from her eyes. "What was that for?"
The pegasus leaned in close, and murmured conspiritorily: "Just play along. It's all part of the plan."
"What." Twilight said.
In response, Rainbow Dash puffed up her wings and took to the air, hovering imperiously above the table. "That's it, Twilight Sparkle! You and I are over! I am tired of everypony else looking at you 'cause you're hot and awesome and stuff! So now we are officially breaking up so now you are really single and available and find you have to find someone else to go out with because we are not dating anymore but it was kind of cool when we did because you're almost as rad as I am."
"What." Twilight said.
"And I don't even care if you were a total freak in the sack!" Rainbow added on. She glanced around to make sure everypony within earshot was watching (they were), winked knowingly at the purple unicorn, and then rocketed off in a multi-hued blur. "Consider yourself dumped and on the rebound, Twilight!" she shouted over her shoulder.
As if on cue, every waiter and customer at Cafe Clydesdale turned their attention to Twilight.
"Oh." Twilight said, after an impossibly long moment. "There...is a perfectly rational explanation for this." She said the words very slowly, very carefully. The sudden dryness in her mouth didn't help much either. She drained her wineglass, and then looked around. Sure enough, the ponies were still there, still staring.
"Uh, Twilight?" Applejack finally said. "You okay?"
"Yes! I'm fine! Perfectly fine." Twilight nodded, perhaps too hard and perhaps too many times. "I...just need some rest, that's all. Rest. On my own. At home."
"Oh, darling." Rarity stepped forward. "Perhaps we should-"
"You shouldn't!" Twilight said, "I'm sorry, it's just that I've gotten into this mess just because of ponies trying to help me, and it hasn't done a lick of good! So now, I'm just going to home, back to my books, and I'm just going to forget this whole day even happened!" Twilight squinted her eyes shut, channeling magic through her horn. There was a flash of light, the light popping noise of a teleportation spell, and Twilight vanished.
A split second later, Twilight materialized in her room. It was the safest, coziest, most private place she knew of in Ponyville. Just in case, she pushed the door shut, turned the lock, and then telekinetically shoved a sturdy bookshelf in front of it. She realized that she'd have to come out eventually, in order to get necessities like food and water and recent periodicals, but that could wait until the new issue of Magical Monthly came out.
Twilight breathed raggedly, and rubbed at her eyes. She knew she should have been feeling even worse than she did; anger, embarrassment, general heartache...but, at the end of a day full of disaster and rejection, Twilight only felt...tired. Rest, then, was her best option. Further barricading and supply hoarding could be done in the morning, when she had more energy to pursue hermitage and/or spinsterhood.
"Bed. Sleep. Yes." she said, monotone.
With only the beginnings of pale moonlight streaming through her window to see by, it took Twilight a moment to recognize the one thing standing between herself and blissful dreamland.
"Pinkie Pie," Twilight Sparkle said for the second time that day, "why are you in my bed?"
Strange Bedfillies (Or: Nopony Loves Twilight Sparkle)
"Surprise!" Pinkie Pie threw her front hooves up, tossing an improbably large amount of streamers and confetti into the air. "Oh man, I'm glad I got here when I did, or else you would've gone to sleep! And then I would've had to come back in the morning and surprise you then, and that's what got us into this trouble in the first place!"
"What are you doing here?"
"What's it look like, silly?" Pinkie Pie beamed, "I heard you've been down and sad all day, so I decided to throw you a surprise party! Or, well, a surprise private party. It's just the thing you need!"
"A private..." Twilight squinted at Pinkie Pie, making more details out in the relative darkness. "Are you wearing fishnets?"
"Yep! I got them in Appleoosa! You like?" Pinkie giggled. She rolled to the edge of the bed, adopting her best approximation of a pin-up pose. This lasted for maybe three seconds before Pinkie Pie lost her balance and toppled to the floor. "I'm okay!" she said, laughing.
Twilight just shook her head. It didn't make sense; more often than not, Pinkie Pie (along with everypony else in town) went without clothing at all. The mere addition of a few scraps of satin fabric shouldn't have made her nearly as scandalous as she did.
"Look, Pinkie-" Twilight finally said, "I don't think you should-"
"Oh! Oh! I almost forgot to give you your present. It's a naughty teddy!"
"A...what?"
"Right here!" Pinkie Pie pulled a white box from under Twilight's bed, and foisted it upon her. Twilight blinked a few times, and slowly undid the red ribbon holding it shut.
There was a small stuffed bear inside.
"Oh, he looks cute, but he misbehaves a lot! Or should it be mis-bearhaves? Either way, he tried to eat all the chocolates before you got here!"
"There's chocolate?"
"Of course! Its a party! There's always chocolate!" Pinkie Pie thrust another box into Twilight's hooves. "And don't worry, I even included a little chart so you can tell which candy is which without having to bite halfway into them first only to find out that one of them's like mint creme or something. Or maybe you do like mint creme, which means you'd be okay, but it's still kind of a gamble, y'know? And I know how much you don't like chaos and confusion even though you hang out with me and Rainbow Dash and everypony else all the time."
"That's...very thoughtful of you, Pinkie."
"Oh, no it isn't! I barely thought about it at all! I just kind of got the idea in my head so I went ahead and did it and now we're here!"
"You know, that explains a lot," said Twilight.
"Anyway!" Pinkie Pie pulled a pair of wineglasses and a bottle from somewhere, and poured accordingly. "You look more confused than cheered up right now, but that's alright! Just relax, have a drink, and then we can-"
"No." Twilight said.
"Oh, not thirsty? That's got to be a first! Well, I guess I can't blame you if you just wanna skip to the-"
"Not that," Twilight said, and drained the wineglass in a single, unladylike gulp. "It's...it just doesn't make any sense. This morning, you said I'm not you're type, and now you're..." Twilight searched for the right word to figure out just what Pinkie Pie was doing. She failed to find it, and settled for saying,"now you're here."
"You say that like it's a bad thing!"
"It is!" Twilight shook her head, and pushed away from Pinkie. "I mean, I'm flattered, I am, but you're doing this for the wrong reason."
"I'm doing this to make you smile, Twilight. I can't stand seeing you sad, so I'll do anything to make you happy. Anything ." Pinkie Pie struck another pin-uppy pose. She did a little better this time, hanging off of Twilight's bedpost for a few long moments before her grip faltered and she toppled to the floor again. "Feeling better yet?"
"No." Twilight sighed, "look, you said it yourself this morning. I'm not your type, and you don't think of me like...ah, that. You're obviously just trying to please me, but it's not...well, it's not genuine. I'm looking for love. Not pity." Twilight sat down, and breathed in deeply. "Well, I was, at least. I think it'll probably be better if I just stop looking. I mean, why would anypony want to be with me? Honestly, that is, not out of some misguided desire to...help."
"Why? Why not?" Pinkie Pie said, "seriously, Twilight, I think you need to go look in a mirror! You're totally cute in an adorkable kind of way and you're always good to all of your friends and you're really the smartest pony I know and smart is kind of sexy and you're really good at magic-"
Twilight blinked, epiphany striking her. "Pinkie, that's it!" she cried aloud, and shook the pink pony by the shoulders. "You're a genius!"
"I am?"
"Of course! Why didn't I think of it earlier? I've been doing this all wrong! I don't need matchmaking, and I don't need pity sex...what I need is magic!" Twilight leapt from the bed, levitated the barricade from her bedroom door, and dashed down to the arcane section of the library.
"Uh, Twilight?" Pinkie followed, furrowing her brow in concern, "you're not gonna do something crazy like make a love potion, are you? 'cause I'm pretty sure that'd end really badly. Or, oooh, you're not gonna get all creepy and make yourself a boyfriend out of like spare parts or something, are you? 'cause I saw that movie and it was really creepy. Especially the part with the lightning and the cackling and stuff."
"Making somepony love me through a love potion would be immoral and wrong, Pinkie. So would be creating some sort of animated love-golem...thing." Twilight nodded, falling comfortably back into 'lecturing,' mode. "Besides, I just don't have the proper materials here."
"Oh, okay." Pinkie Pie said.
"But, what I do have is a small selection of divination spells!"
"You mean like fortune telling? With crystal balls and fancy cards and hoof reading?"
"Not quite," Twilight Sparkle said, laying a magical tome out on a reading stand. She paged through it, finally finding the spell she was looking for. "Precognition is hard...and dangerous. Remember all the trouble I went through when I came back from the future to tell myself not to go through all the trouble? Closed time loops and paradoxes are...tricky. Thankfully, that's not what we're dealing with. Instead, I'm going to make an adjustment to an existing dowsing spell- so this time, instead of finding gems or water, it's going to find somepony who could love me."
A slightly mad gleam shone in Twilight's eyes as she began to lay out the necessary components for the spell: paper, ink, candles, a mirror, and so on.
"Uh. Are you sure that's a good idea?" Pinkie Pie surprised herself as she provided the voice of reason.
"Nope!" Twilight said, "but, desperate times call for desperate measures! Or maybe just desperation calls for...more...desperation! Either way, I'm gonna find my special somepony, and there's nothing that can stop me!"
"Uh, okay?" Pinkie offered, "but, um, you've got that crazy look in your eye that you get whenever you're going to do something that you have to tell Princess Celestia about in a letter afterward."
"I do not have that crazy look in my eye that I get whenever I'm going to do something that I have to tell Princess Celestia about in a letter afterward! I have that crazy look in my eye that I get when I'm about to be absolutely brilliant and then I will tell Princess Celestia about it in a letter afterward!"
"Okay, you've lost me," Pinkie Pie said, "why don't we just settle down and have a few drinks and talk this out?"
"NO." Twilight Sparkle said, "this is the only way!" She pulsed magic through her horn, and the components of her spell began to glow. Even while she had to concentrate on the spell, Twilight found the willpower to explain it to her friend as it played out. "You see, Pinkie, it's simple! Based on a psycho-magical profile of, well, me, I can tap into the Loom of Fate, and work out a pattern from there. And if I apply that pattern to the ink, it should sketch out a drawing of the one pony who could POSSIBLY love me, and therefore I will know who it is and then I can go find them and we will kiss and hug and it will be the best thing ever!"
"Well, it beats the personal ads in the newspaper." Pinkie Pie deadpanned.
"Stand back!" Twilight said, "because this is the good part!" She squinted her eyes shut, and focused her not-inconsiderable will into the effort. Her horn pulsed, her body shook, and the spell began to work its magic.
A stream of ink streamed its way out of its pot, like a cobra rising from a basket. It swayed back and forth in midair, and then pounced upon the blank page. The ink splattered, and streamed out onto the paper. The black liquid curled and twisted about. Twilight squinted her eyes, and looked at the emerging picture. Big eyes. Curly hair. Sunny smile.
"Pinkie Pie?" Twilight said.
"Oh look, it's not done!" Pinkie threw one hoof across Twilight's shoulders, and pointed with the other.
Sure enough, the ink continued to stream across the page. The image of Pinkie Pie was evident enough, but another pony materialized next to her. Short mane, wings, a roguish smirk-
"Rainbow Dash?" Twilight blurted, "but that doesn't make any-"
The ink didn't listen. As soon as it scribbled out Rainbow Dash, it showed Rarity next. Then Applejack. Fluttershy. Spike. Celestia. Luna. Somepony in a wizard hat. Applebloom. Scootaloo. Sweetie Belle. Big Macintosh. Cheerilee. Carrot Top. Ditzy Doo. Roseluck. Four Color. Benchpress. That one brown pony with the hourglass cutie mark. And so on. Soon enough, Twilight couldn't even name the multitude of ponies sketched out on the page.
"But...that doesn't make any sense!" she said, backing away from the expanding collage, "this spell was just supposed to find that one rare pony who'd love me! Not..."
"Oh! Don't you see, Twilight?" Pinkie Pie smiled, broadly. "It's perfect! Because, if you think about it, you've saved all of Equestria, and twice. And even if most ponies are pretty dumb, there's still a lot of ponies out there that somehow or another realize all the hard work you've put into making sure all of us don't die! When you think about it, it's simple! Everypony loves Twilight Sparkle!"
"You're not just saying that to make me feel better, are you?"
"Nope!" Pinkie Pie pointed to the parchment. "See for yourself! You did it with your magicky whatchamacallit! Now will you just relax? You're a really neat pony and I'm sure you'll have some wonderful storybook romance with some lucky pony, but you just have to let those sort of things come to you."
"Like...how you came here?" Twilight said.
"Sure!" Pinkie Pie said, "that is, if you still want to. I mean, what's a little fling between friends?" She winked. "Y'know I love a good time."
Twilight bit at her lower lip, and finally shook her head. "No, Pinkie. I'm...well, I'm tempted, but I don't want to jeopardize our friendship with...complications, y'know? Besides, I don't think I'm ready for just...flinging anything. Sorry."
"Don't apologize!" Pinkie Pie smiled, "I mean, when you really think about it, I'm not your type." She winked.
"Wait. I have a type?" Twilight said.
"Sure you do! We just don't know what it is yet. But, I think we've got a good idea of where to start..." she looked at the ink picture of dozens and dozens of ponies. "Hey, that guy in the corner looks pretty cute."
Twilight laughed, and slumped back to a sitting position. "After all the trouble I've been through today, I don't think I'm gonna start asking anypony out anytime soon. Getting too...focused on that sort of thing is what got me into all this trouble in the first place. I was just coming off to ponies as desperate, and they could see it, and that meant they'd reject me and that just made me more desperate and...well, it's like you said, I've got to let these things come to me naturally."
"So now what?" Pinkie Pie said. "Should I go?"
"Well," Twilight looked out the window, and yawned, "it's late, and you went through all this trouble...tell you what, if you'd like, you can stick around for, like, a slumber party? Y'know, between friends?"
"That's a great idea!" Pinkie Pie beamed.
"But this time, why don't you sleep in the guest bed?"