Edgar Allan Pony

by ShadowStride

Rating: teen
Tags: Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Rarity, Dinky Hooves, Tragedy, Derpy Hooves, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 2366

A parody, of sorts, of some of Edgar Allen Poe's classics. With ponies!

Edgar Allen Poe was one of the greatest horror writers of all time. My Little Pony: Friendship is magic is one of Hasbro's finest works. When the two meet, the results... well, I tried.

Right now, the story consists only of "The Fire Ruby," which is a parody of Edgar Allen Poe's "The Cask of Amontillado.", I'm working on a second chapter, but I just... can't... care!

Published 2014-03-21 15:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-21 15:10:01 UTC

The Fire Ruby

I always knew that Rarity liked my parties the least of all my friends, but when she stormed out of Gummy's birthday party, calling it AWFUL, I just couldn't take it anymore! You, who so well know what I'm like around my "friends", would know that I would ever actually THREATEN her. Eventually I'd get even-- that was certain --but the fact that it was so certain made me worried about the risk. I must not only punish but punish without getting caught. A wrong isn't made right when revenge comes at a price. It's just as bad when the make right-er doesn't make the make wrong-er feel bad for what she's done!
You need to know that I never did anything unusual when Rarity was around. I kept on smiling to her face, and she never realized that my to smile now was at the thought of the look on that same fancy-pants face when she realized what I was up to.
She had a weak point --Rarity, I mean --although in every other way she was a very respectable pony. She liked gems. I mean, she REALLY liked gems. Few unicorns really do, unless there's an earth pony or a pegasus around to show off their "interests" in front of. When it came to paintings and wine, Rarity, like most unicorns, was a quack, but she was a master with gems. We were actually a lot alike that way --I liked gems a bunch, because they were so pretty, and they helped set the mood for some parties.
It was about twilight (tee-hee) one day during the annual summer sun celebration-- which I had helped set up-- that I stumbled across my friend. Literally; I accidentally stumbled into her. After picking herself up and dusting off, she shook my hoof for two minutes straight (I think she had been eating a little too much salt). She was wearing one of her best dresses. It was a tight-fitting, stripey dress, and she had a hat to match. I was so happy to see her that I thought I just might EXPLODE!!!
I said to her --"Oh, hey Rarity! Great to see you! What's up?"
"Pinky Pie! I simply--"
I cut her off. "Hey, Rarity, guess what! I just bought a Fire ruby!"
"How?" she asked. "A Fire ruby? Impossible! And in the middle of the summer sun celebration!"
"You think it might be a fake?" I asked. "Darn it! I was silly enough to pay the full price without making sure it was real! You couldn't be found anywhere, and I was afraid of losing a bargain."
"A Fire ruby!"
"I have my doubts," I said nervously.
"A Fire ruby!"
"I have to know if it's real!"
"A Fire ruby!"
"You look busy. I'll just go find Twilight! If anypony knows gems, she does! She will tell me --"
"Twilight cannot tell a Fire ruby from broken glass!" Said Rarity with a huff. "If you need an expert on gemmery, I'm more than happy to help! I AM the element of generosity, after all! Come, let us go."
"I don't think we should, Rarity. I don't want to get in the way of anything you've got going on. Twilight--
"I have no engagement; come."
"No, Rarity! You may not be busy, but you DO look sick! My- er- "basement" is really damp! You don't want to go down there!"
"Oh, please Pinkie Pie!" Rarity scoffed. "You're supposed to be the element of optimism! I do have a cold, but it's nothing serious. A Fire ruby! You have been tricked! And as for Twilight, she cannot distinguish broken glass from a Fire ruby."
You get why I wanted to kill her, right?
Anyway, Rarity started toward my family's old house; and putting on my Pinkamena costume, I followed her.
"What are YOU supposed to be?" Rarity asked when she saw me.
"Oh, yeah," I replied. "There's this fanfic--"
""Never mind, let's just find that Fire ruby." Rarity said, cutting me off.
Jerk.
My parents weren't at home; they and my sisters were visiting Maud at her college. I wanted to come too, but I couldn't pass up this chance!
I got a couple of flashlights and, giving one to Rarity, showed her to the tunnels where we used to get our best rocks before they ran dry. I passed down a long and winding tunnel, telling her to be careful as she followed.
Rarity was walking funny, and I was worried that she would get herself killed before I got the chance.
"The ruby," she said.
"It's farther on," I replied, "but check out these cool spiderwebs!"
She turned towards me, and I saw that she was still really high on salt.
"I hate spiders!"
"Oh, sorry," I replied. "Erm... how long have you had that cough?"
"Ugh! ugh! ugh! --ugh! ugh! ugh! --ugh! ugh! ugh! --ugh! ugh! ugh! --ugh! ugh! ugh!"
My poor friend found it impossible to reply for many minutes.
"It is nothing," she said, at last.
"Come on," I said, "let's go back; your health is important! You're rich, respected, looked up to, loved; you are happy! You are a pony to be missed. I don't really care. Let's go back; you'll be sick, and I don't want to be responsible for that. Besides, there is Twilight --"
"Enough," she said; "the cough's nothing; it will not kill me. I'm not going to die from a cough."
"You're right," I replied; "I didn't want to scare you --but you should at least warm up. Here, have some salt!"
Here I took off the cap of a bottle of salt that I got from a nearby pile of saltshakers.
"Eat up!" I said, giving her the salt.
She raised it to her lips, smiling all weird. She paused and nodded to me like she was my boss.
"I shake," she said, "to all the gems of the world."
"And I shake to best friends!"
She shook some salt into her mouth, and we kept going.
"These mines," she said, "are extensive."
"The Pies used to be a really big family!" I replied.
"I forget your arms."
"It's a rock," I said flatly.
"And the motto?"
"Nos fundum petram."
"Ooh," Rarity giggled. "What does that mean?"
"We farm rocks."
"Dear me, how dreadfully boring!" she said.
The salt sparkled in her eyes like the magic of friendship. I stayed off it. We had passed through long walls of piled rocks, with sandstone and marble mixed together, into the deepest, darkest part of the mines. I paused again, and this time I grabbed Rarity to hold her back one more time.
"We're below the river!" I said. "It's reeeaaallllly wet! Come on, let's go back before it's too late. Your cough --"
"It is nothing," she said; "We must go on. But first, some more salt!"
"Alright, alright," I said, giving her another saltshaker. She emptied it in a breath. Her eyes flashed with a fierce light. She laughed and threw the bottle upwards in a weird way. I just looked at her strangely.
"You do not comprehend?" she asked.
"Nope!" I replied, smiling.
"Then you are not of the sisterhoof."
"The what?"
"You are not part of the Canterlot Celebration Committee."
"Oh, that," I said; "Yes, I am!" Or I had been once. I wasn't allowed in Canterlot at ALL anymore. Not since... well, that's a different story.
"Prove it," she said.
"Check it out!" I showed Rarity my old committee pin.
"You can't be serious!" She exclaimed, stepping back a few paces. "But let us proceed to the Fire ruby."
"Okay!" I said, putting the pin away. We kept walking in search of the Fire ruby. We passed through a bunch of low arches, went down passed on, and going down again, came to a really deep room, which was so smelly that you could almost touch the stench!
At the farthest end of the room there was another, more cramped one. Its walls had been lined with old rocks stacked SUPER high! Three sides of the room were still decorated like this. From the fourth side the rocks had been thrown down to the ground, forming at one point a big pile. In that wall there was an even SMALLER room, just big enough for two ponies to fit inside, as long as they liked each other a lot. It seemed pretty useless, so I was sure that my parents wouldn't mind if it were gone.
Rarity tried to see the end, but the room was pretty long for being so cramped, and it was too dark, even for our flashlights.
"Go on," I said; "the Fire ruby's in here. As for Twilight --"
"She is an ignoramus," interrupted my friend, as she stepped unsteadily forward, while I followed right behind her. She entered the niche, reached the end, and stood stupidly bewildered. A moment more and I had pressed her to the granite. In its surface were two iron staples, about two feet apart. A short chain hung on one, a padlock from the other. Throwing the chain around her waist, it only took me a few seconds to secure it. Rarity was way too surprised to resist. Pulling the key out I stepped back from the hole.
"Pass your hoof," I said, "over the wall; you can't help feeling the dampness. One more time: do you want to go back? No? Then I guess I'll have to leave you. But first, I've got to do everything I can for you."
"The Fire Ruby!" shouted my friend, who still wasn't thinking straight.
"True," I replied; "the Fire Ruby."
As I said these words I got to work on the pile of rocks that I mentioned. Remember the rocks? I told you all about them, like how some were stacked up in a pile and the rest were thrown around and it was GREAT, just perfect for building a wall, because they were mason, which I DON'T think I've said yet, but it's true! Anyway, I took the pile apart, and there was some mortar that I'd put there beforehand. With the mortar and the masonry, I began to wall up the entrance of the niche.
I had only just laid the first layer of the masonry when I found out that Rarity wasn't salt-drunk anymore. The first sign of this was a high-pitched cry from the depth of the cavern. It was not the cry of a drunken mare. There was then a long silence. I kept building, and then I heard the furious vibrations of the chain. The noise lasted for several minutes, during which time I stopped working to listen. When at last the clanking subsided, I picked the trowel back up, and finished without interruption the fifth, the sixth, and the seventh tier. The wall was now almost as tall as my head. I stopped again to rest, and held the flashlight over the mason-work, letting Rarity see a little light before she was walled up forever.
A succession of loud and shrill screams, bursting suddenly from Rarity's muzzle, seemed to push me violently back. For a brief moment I hesitated, I trembled. Somepony may yet catch me! But I soon realized I had nothing to worry about. I placed my hoof upon the solid wall, and felt satisfied. I reproached the wall; I replied to Rarity's shouts. I re-echoed, I aided, I surpassed them in volume and in strength. I did this, and the clamour grew still.
It was now midnight, and I was almost done. I had finished the eighth, the ninth and the tenth tier. I had almost finished the last and the eleventh; there was only one stone left. I struggled with its weight; I put it partially in its place. But now there came from out the niche a shrill laugh that made my mane stand on end. It was followed by a sad voice, which I could just barely recognize as Rarity's. The voice said--
"Ha! ha! ha! --he! he! he! --a very good joke, indeed --an excellent jest. We will have many a rich laugh about it at the palace --he! he! he! --over our salt --he! he! he!"
"The Fire ruby!" I said.
"He! he! he! --he! he! he! --yes, the Fire ruby. But, Pinky Pie, it's getting quite late. Will not they be awaiting us at the palace, Twilight and the rest? Let us be gone."
"Yes," I said, "let us be gone."
"For the love of Celestia, Pinkie Pie!"
"Yes," I said, "for the love of God!"
Rarity paused. "What?"
"Oh," I said. "I've been referencing 'The Cask of Amontillado' this whole time! I thought you noticed!"
"What in Celestia's name is 'The Cask of Amontillado?'"
"Oh, mare, it's a really fantastic story written by this guy Edgar Allan Poe about basically what's going on right now!"
"Oh," said Rarity. "Er... How does it end?"
"Well, the guy in your position-- Fortunato-- he gets walled up for fifty years and dies."
Rarity went silent. I grew impatient. I called aloud --
"Rarity!"
No answer. I called again --
"Rarity!"
No answer still. I pushed a flashlight into the remaining opening and let it fall inside. Rarity's only reply was a faint jingling of the chains. My heart grew sick; it was the dampness of the tunnels, of course, that made it so. Not the fact that I was about to kill Rarity. I decided to get a move on. I forced the last stone into its place, and plastered it up. Against the new wall I put up the old pile of rocks. For the half of a century no mortal has disturbed them, just like in the story! In pace requiescat! (I've always wanted to say that!)
...
Twilight stared at Pinky Pie in horror. This answered so many of her old questions, but at the same time...
"Pinky, how could you?"
"Gah, no!" said Pinky Pie. "that was supposed to be the end of the story!"

Author's Note

This is my first. I may make more if this does well.