Everypony In This Town Is Crazy

by Akumokagetsu

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1412

Twilight Sparkle hosts therapy sessions with the citizens of Ponyville.

Twilight, eager to display her knowledge on psychology, accepts a request for therapy from one of her friends.
Except that now all of her friends want Twilight's 'professional' help.
And soon, so does everypony else in Ponyville.

Published 2014-02-21 18:00:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-21 18:00:05 UTC

Highly Professional

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“TWILIGHT, YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!”

Those were the words that the unicorn had expected for quite some time, as they seemed to crop up fairly often; and as Rainbow Dash stood in her doorway, Twilight had to think that she wasn’t all that surprised.

“Uh… okay?” Twilight blinked, allowing the pegasus entry to her home. She hadn’t even had her morning coffee yet. “Mind telling me why you’re shouting?”

Rainbow Dash took a few long, drawn out breaths, her eyes as wide as dinner plates.

“Hey,” she shook her head eventually. “Remember when you were showing me that psycho book last Tuesday?”

“I believe it was Psychological and Physiological Principles,” Twilight nodded slowly, leading her into the library. “Why, did you need to check it out?”

“Er, actually,” she sheepishly rubbed the back of her neck, staring awkwardly at her. “I don’t think I’ve really got the time to read a book that big just yet, and, uh… you’ve read it, right?”

“Yes…” Twilight answered slowly.

“Oh, good!” Dash perked up immediately. “So, you know all about what makes ponies tick in the head, and stuff like that, right?”

“That’s not –”

“Because I’ve got this really bad problem,” Rainbow Dash admitted wearily to Twilight, throwing an anxious look over her shoulder to find nobody. “I don’t know anypony else to turn to, ‘cause I think they’d just laugh at me.”

“Oh, I understand perfectly,” Twilight nodded again. “I’ve been meaning to put some psychological studies into practice; and Spike won’t help me, wonder why…” she trailed off, leading Rainbow Dash to her reading couch and patting it. Dash gradually clambered on and lied on her back, stretching out and staring at the ceiling with her hooves clasped over her stomach.

“Now,” Twilight magically pulled over a chair and reclined in it, carefully placing on her reading glasses and peering at the uncomfortable pegasus. “What seems to be the problem?”

“… You promise you won’t laugh at me?” Dash fiddled with her hooves nervously, to which Twilight nodded seriously.

“Of course not,” Twilight consoled her. “It would be irresponsible and unfriendly. You can have the utmost confidence in me, Rainbow Dash.”

“Thanks, Twilight.” She let out a deep sigh, feeling slightly better already. “I tell ya, I didn’t even know who to go to about it. It’s just something you don’t go around telling ponies, you know?”

Twilight hummed in agreement, readying her clipboard and notes before crossing one leg over the other and listening intently.

“So…” Dash let out another long breath, a pink tinge in her cheeks as she continued staring up at the ceiling. “It’s kind of hard to talk about…”

“Take all the time you’d like, Rainbow Dash,” Twilight replied quietly, taking a couple of notes down.

“Just tryin’ to hurry up about it,” Dash shifted uncomfortably. “You ever just go outside in the rain?” she asked at random. Uncertain if she was trying to start a conversation and eager to perhaps gain some information from her this way, Twilight nodded.

“Oh, on occasion,” Twilight responded conversationally, leaning back into her chair. “More when I was a little filly, you know. Just dancing around, catching raindrops on my tongue.”

“Right,” Dash blushed suddenly. “You haven’t done that recently, right?”

“Er… and whatever would be the reason behind your question?” Twilight asked curiously.

“Oh, nothing, nothing,” Dash shook her head quickly.

“Is it connected to your problem?”

“K-kind of…” she flushed again. “It’s just that – well, I mean, sometimes, when I’m on weather patrol, I, uh… pee.”

Twilight blinked, unsure if she had heard properly.

“I pee. Like, a lot,” Dash nodded thoughtfully. “I just really can’t hold it in all day, you know?”

“Uh… huh.”

“So, what do you think I should do, Twi?” Rainbow Dash asked pleadingly. “How can I keep going to work like this?”

“… Have you considered restroom breaks?”

It seemed like an obvious question, and Twilight had long since lost her place on her notes.

“… Well…” Dash finally said, sitting up and scratching her chin. “Not really, until just now, I mean. Yeah. Yeah, I think that’d help half of it, right there!” she grinned ecstatically. “Thanks, Twilight. I knew I could count on you.”

“Er… you’re welcome?” Twilight answered croakily, her mind abuzz. “Wait, half?”

“Oh, yeah,” Dash rolled her shoulders in a relaxed fashion, prying open the library door. “Anyway, thanks, Twi! See you later!”

And with that, Rainbow Dash took off into the air at such a speed that Twilight was nearly bowled over from the gust of wind.

She stared after the pegasus for nearly a full four minutes, even though she was long gone by that point. Eventually, Twilight dragged herself back inside with the silent vow to never go outside without an umbrella again.

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Twilight sat rather shakily at the kitchen table, her mug of coffee jittering slightly.

She had to admit, she was still a little bit shell shocked by the time she heard the knocking on the library’s door. Twilight shook herself, straightening up and brushing her mane from her face before answering it.

Unexpectedly, it was Applejack who stood before her instead of Rainbow Dash as she expected.

“Oh – good morning, Applejack,” Twilight said with a bit of relief. “What’s up?”

“Mornin’, Twi,” Applejack nodded friendlily to her. “Say, you wouldn’t happen to be going around helping with real delicate like stuff, would you?”

“… Oh, dear, you’ve spoken with Rainbow Dash, haven’t you.”

“Eeyup,” Applejack smiled. “Darn biggest grin I ever done seen on her, that’s for sure. Shucks, she was practically singing your praises when she swung by.”

Twilight blushed a little, opening the door a little wider for her friend.

“Oh, um… well, that’s… unexpected,” Twilight admitted, and Applejack cracked her back before dropping tiredly onto the same couch that Dash had been on previously.

“So, I figured maybe you could give me a helpin’ hoof to, maybe,” Applejack looked up at her hopefully, and Twilight sighed as she resigned herself.

“Absolutely!” Twilight said with a forced smile as she put her reading glasses back on, taking a seat across from the mare. After all, it wasn’t like she could possibly say anything stranger than Rainbow Dash did. “I would be glad to help you, Applejack. That’s what friends are for.”

“Aw, shoot,” the cowpony pulled her hat off, matching Twilight’s smile. “I knew I could count on ya. So, I got this here problem…”

Twilight resisted the urge to inform her that it was obvious, otherwise they probably wouldn’t have been speaking.

“Anyways,” Applejack reclined, kicking one hoof up onto the couch and letting the other dangle. “Say I got this friend…”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Right,” she continued slowly, rolling her hooves. “So, I got this friend, and she’s real into somepony.”

Twilight scribbled down a couple of notes, vaguely wondering if she had a crush. It seemed like something Applejack might do; too proud to admit to anypony that she did have a crush.

“And, uh… say this friend was also related to the pony that she were havin’ a relationship with.”

Twilight then slowly scribbled out ‘romantic intrigue’.

“Go on…” Twilight steepled her hooves together, drawn in completely.

“Right,” Applejack shuffled back and forth, puling at the tip of her long blonde braid. “So, I – I mean, my friend done told me that she were – well, that she was feelin’ a bit off about their relationship, and was wanting to start seeing somepony else, but didn’t quite know how to tell… that related pony.”

Twilight nodded, thinking deeply. Not wanting to result in anything bad between Applejack and Big Mac, Twilight cleared her throat and said “Er… well, perhaps your ‘friend’ should discuss the relationship openly with her partner, and by explaining the situation fully could move on with the relationship,” Twilight offered, and Applejack nodded slowly.

“You know…” she rubbed behind her ears. “I think – er, I think my friend would like that advice an awful lot,” Applejack stood slowly with a growing smile. “Thanks, Twilight. I hoped you’d understand.”

“Oh, absolutely,” Twilight followed her with a bit of a blush to the door, her brain full of questions. “Be sure to tell your friend that I said hello.”

“What fr- uh, sure!” she grinned as she trotted out of the library. “Hoo, boy, this sure changes things with Granny!”

Twilight tripped over her own hooves.

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