“Now, we have to be very careful, this is a delicate operation”.
“Yeah, yeah, you say that about everything!”
“But this time I mean it.”
“So you didn't mean it all those other times?”
“Well, I did, but I really mean it this time.”
“I don't get what the big deal is.”
“What?! How could you not understand this?!” the purple unicorn yelled. “We two are about to make history here! All time prior to this moment will be referred to as the when-was! The dark ages! Tempore non lux! The—”
“Twilight!” the blue pegasus shouted. “You're just making a big book!”
“But this isn't just any big book! This is the big book Rainbow!” Twilight explained confidently. “It's taken me months of compiling information from thousands of sources and cross referencing them to ensure absolute accuracy! Do you know how long this would have taken if I wasn't so organized...or magic...or had Spike to help? Centuries!” she screamed, raising her front hooves above her head. “Millennia even! I would probably be older than Princess Celestia by the time this was finished! We are on the cusp of greatness here Rainbow! This book will change the world forever!” Twilight shouted.
A few ponies passing by Ponyville Park turned their heads in the direction of the shouting and gave a stern look. Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash stood in a clearing surrounded by various papers and bookbinding materials.
“I still don't see how it's gonna do all that. So ponies will have one book that can tell them anything they want to know, big deal,” said Rainbow dismissively. Only eggheads like you would even want to read something like that. Wow, it can tell me which hoof Star Swirl the Bearded sprained that time he tripped over his beard, whoopee,” Dash said in a monotone, rolling her eyes.
“Rainbow, how can you still call me an egghead after you read the entire Daring-Do series in a week?!” Twilight demanded.
“Those are adventure books with awesome stories that anypony would like to read. This is just a big book of boring facts that only you would like,” Dash stated simply.
“But it's so much more than that!” Twilight pleaded. “This book is a compendium of all the knowledge ponies have accumulated throughout recorded history! Every subject in existence is fully represented! Sure it's over 14 feet tall and wouldn't actually fit in anypony's house, or even the Canterlot Archives, and yes, the print is so tiny you need an enchanted microscope just to read the table of contents, but those are sacrifices that must be made in the name of literary and academic progress!”
“Well, couldn't you just use your magic to shrink the book so it could fit indoors?” Rainbow asked, flippantly.
“I'm sorry to say I can't, Rainbow,” Twilight said, matter-of-factly while shaking her head. “You see, if you took the time to read Unambiguously Unnerving Truths About the Ultimate Reality of the Universe, pertinent passages found on pages eight, fourteen, and nineteen thousand six hundred and forty-seven of the book before you, you would discover that knowledge is one of the most volatile and dangerous substances in existence,” the unicorn said, slightly condescendingly.
“This book contains the highest concentration of knowledge safely permitted by the laws of epistemological mathematics. If the ratio of knowledge to space were reduced much further than it already is, the book would collapse into an objectivist singularity that could destroy the entire universe,” Twilight said, pleased with herself.
“Whoa! Twilight, this book is dangerous!” the blue pegasus said, gesturing her front hooves in a panic. “Why did you make it if you knew it could do that?!” Dash angrily asked.
“Don't worry, Rainbow, once you help me attach the cover, I'll cast an immutable size enchantment on the book so nopony can shrink it and turn it into a weapon of mass destruction.” Twilight reassuringly said.
“Are you sure that'll really work?” Rainbow asked, skeptically.
“Oh, I'm quite positive. Besides, has my magic ever failed before?” said Twilight confidently.
“Uh, yeah! Your failsafe spell failed when Discord was messing around with everything! Do I need to remind you about the slender bunnies? Those things still give me nightmares...” Dash said, shivering slightly.
“Rainbow, that was totally different!” the purple pony shouted defensively. “Discord was the spirit of chaos! He could change the very nature of reality with a snap of his paws...or claws...or whatever he had...boy was he weird. In any case, Discord was a lot more powerful than even the Princesses, but now he's safely encased in stone again. On top of that, I'm sure that Princess Celestia locked him in the deepest vault in the castle to make sure he can't get out. Any regular pony couldn't even hope to break my enchantment,” Twilight haughtily announced.
“All right, Twilight, but if the universe gets destroyed, don't say I didn't warn you,” Rainbow said, pointing a hoof at Twilight.
“Fair enough, now grab that brush and start spreading glue on the cover's spine,” the unicorn said, nodding in the direction of a brush on the ground.
“I don't see why you needed me to help you with some glue,” Dash said impatiently. “It's only two weeks until the tryouts for the Wonderbolts and I need to practice as much as possible.”
“It's fast drying magic glue, specially created to withstand the tremendous weight and earth-shattering truths contained in the book,” Twilight explained. “I need your speed and precision to apply it quickly.”
The unicorn narrowed her eyes In thought. “Also, when you were coaching the pegasai for that hurricane, didn't Spitfire tell you that you were too young to join the Wonderbolts and you had to wait a few years to—”
“Twilight! You're so naïve!” Dash interrupted. “I know she said that, but you need to read between the lines. You should know that, or is that the one kind of reading you don't do?” the pegasus asked, with a confrontational look on her face. “What she really meant was that the so called 'rules' and 'safety standards' and 'minimum age requirements for elite aerial teams' were cramping their style, and if I proved I was awesome enough they would have no choice but to accept me, rules be bucked.”
“If you say so, Rainbow,” Twilight sighed. “Now, once you open the lid on the bucket of glue, you only have thirty seconds before the glue hardens. Do you think you can finish in time?”
“Twilight, please, do you even know who you're talking to?” the blue pony asked with a self-confident smirk. “I bet I could get this done in...ten sec— wait, carry the two... roughly fifteen seconds, give or take,” Dash said, with a few hoof gestures and a shrug.
“That will be just fine, Rainbow. Now can you please apply this glue thickly and evenly in parallel lines one inch wide while I get ready to lower the book into the cover?” Twilight asked.
“Okay, Twilight, you are about to witness the most amazing, stupendous, incredible act of glue application ever performed,” Rainbow Dash announced. “Now don't blink, or you might miss it.”
Twilight rolled her eyes and her horn glowed its usual reddish purple. The enormous book rose into the air and began slowly rotating until it was properly aligned a few feet above the cover. Rainbow Dash gripped the brush tightly in her teeth and slung the bucket of glue over her right shoulder.
“Twilight, give me a countdown!” she yelled.
“Rainbow, this book is very heavy and you're going to break my concentration!” Twilight grunted.
“All right, all right, I'll do it myself,” Dash said, planting her hooves firmly. “Three, two, one, go!” The pegasus shouted as she popped the lid off the glue with her left hoof and zoomed toward the cover.
Twilight watched in awe as the air just above the cover danced with a flurry of colors while precise lines of glue appeared in careful rows exactly where they needed to be. In a matter of seconds the bucket of glue was empty the violet unicorn lowered the book into place. She held it there for a few more seconds before closing the cover and setting the book flat on the grass. Meanwhile, Dash did a victory lap of the park high above.
Twilight turned in the direction of Rainbow Dash and stopped short to avoid running into Pinkie Pie.
“Ah! Pinkie! Where did you come from?!” asked Twilight, startled.
“Twilight, are you serious? I can't believe you don't know! I thought everypony knew! You read all those books; I thought you would have found out sooner or later! We were only at the hospital a few months ago when Mr. and Mrs. Cakes' twins were born! It was pretty much the same for me,” Pinkie happily said.
“I didn't mean it like that! I mean of course I know where— I meant how did you just pop up next to me like that?” Twilight asked, perplexed.
“Twilight, you're so silly. I did it the way I always do,” Pinkie said with a wide smile.
“And what way is that?”
“Hmm, you know, now that I think about it, I don't really know! But I know that it works,” Pinkie declared.
Twilight sighed, that was pretty much the answer she expected when questioning Pinkie's randomness.
“So, why are you here Pinkie?” Twilight asked with barely concealed annoyance. “We're in the middle of a very important procedure.”
“Oh, that's right! Twilight, what flavor do you like more, chocolate, strawberry, or vanilla?” Pinkie asked cheerfully.
Twilight blinked. “What?”
“Well, duh! I need to know what kind of ice cream to get for your party!” the pink pony said excitedly.
“What party?” Twilight asked, befuddled.
“Hold on, what day is it?” Pinkie asked, narrowing her eyes.
“It's Wednesday, Pinkie. Why does that matter?” Twilight said, slightly flustered.
“Oh, that's right,” Pinkie said, lifting a hoof to her mouth. “They didn't tell you yet.”
Pinkie looked at the book lying on the grass. Rainbow Dash hovered near a tree with the empty glue bucket and shrugged at Twilight.
“Oh, you just finished it. Silly me! I'm too early!” the pink pony said with a happy smile. “Okay, I don't want to spoil the surprise so I won't say anything else. I'll just get one tub of each, so I'm sure to get your favorite!” Pinkie said excitedly.
Twilight closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead with a hoof, dumbfounded. Opening her eyes again, she looked around and noticed a distinct lack of party pony.
“I guess she was just being Pinkie Pie,” Twilight said as Rainbow Dash landed next to her.
The unicorn and pegasus both looked down at the book.
“That was truly spellbinding, Rainbow,” Twilight said. She blushed slightly. “No pun intended.”
“Hay yeah it was!” Dash said, a proud look on her face. “Maybe if I did that for the Wonderbolts they'd finally see how awesome I am and make me part of the team! Do you have any more giant books that need gluing?” the pegasus asked eagerly.
“Not at the moment, unfortunately,” Twilight quickly stated.
“Rats. Oh well, I'm sure I'll think of something,” the blue pony said, slightly crestfallen. Her expression quickly changed from one of mild disappointment to confusion. “Hold on a second... Twilight where did this glue even come from?” Rainbow asked with concern in her voice.
“From the Ponyville Retirement Village of course,” Twilight said happily.
“You mean...” Rainbow Dash began, sounding worried. “The glue is made at the Retirement Village?”
“Certainly, we can't just let those old ponies fall apart now, can we? Besides, once they reach a certain age, they aren't really useful for much else,” the unicorn calmly explained.
“You can't be serious, Twilight,” Rainbow said in disbelief.
“Oh, but I am. I don't mean to sound callous, but if they aren't useful for glue, what else could they do?” Twilight asked.
“Twilight! Think about what you're saying! The glue is made out of ponies! That's horrifying! What did you make me do?!” Dash screamed, throwing the empty bucket down.
“What!? It's not made of ponies!” Twilight shouted. “The retired ponies make the glue out of various plant-based materials. It's not very strenuous and it gives them a way to be productive members of society,” said Twilight, in her lecturing voice.
“So you mean you didn't make me spread the pulverized remains of the town's retiree population on your book cover in a dazzling display of aerobatic agility?” asked Dash, hopefully.
“Nope, it was just a mixture made of plants,” Twilight said simply.
“What a relief!” Rainbow sighed “For a second there I thought I was an accessory to a crime against ponanity!”
Twilight shook her head dismissively and turned her attention back to the book. Her horn glowed once more and the book shimmered for a moment.
“There, that's the immutable size enchantment done, now the book is finally ready,” the purple pony said happily.
She looked down at her greatest accomplishment.
“Isn't it beautiful, Rainbow?” said Twilight, with joyous tears in her eyes.
“Not really. Why is the cover brown? It looks too boring, and what's up with the title? Googol? What does that mean?” the pegasus asked flippantly.
“It's a mathematical term. It means the number one followed by a hundred zeroes, a truly huge number, more than all of stars in the sky. I thought it was a good name for a book that contains all the world's knowledge,” Twilight explained, nerd pride welling in her eyes.
“Okay.... but how do you even find anything in the book; it's gigantic!” Dash exclaimed, bewildered, gesturing her front hooves.
“Well, I admit, that's another limitation of the book,” Twilight said, with a nod of understanding. “The table of contents alone is over three hundred pages long, and don't even get me started on the index.”
“So what's the point of having a book like this if it's impossible to read?”
“Oh, it's not impossible; I just said it was limited. You need to use a spell that I created for the very purpose of navigating the book,” Twilight held her head up proudly. “I call it the Googol Search.”
~~~
Pinkie Pie busily decorated Sugarcube Corner with her usual excited flair. Streamers and balloons covered the ceiling and rafters. Her party cannon sat in the corner fully loaded and ready to fire. She looked over at it and told herself to save it until Twilight and the other guests arrived. After all, who doesn't love explosions and confetti the instant they walk into a dark room?
It had been a little over a week since Twilight finished her giant book and had been showing it all over town. Pinkie had thought that the book was pretty boring except for the sections on parties and baking. She had copied a few recipes for cakes and cookies that hadn't been made for hundreds of years.
Twilight said that confectionery archaeologists believed they had been lost to time after the Great Powdered Sugar Explosion at Sweet Treat's Depository for Arcane Baking nearly five hundred years ago. Luckily, she had found every one of the fabled recipes on yellowed pieces of paper tucked into another book that had survived the explosion. Twilight said the book was called “The Proper Handling of Fine Particulate Matter and the Avoidance of Dust Explosions: A How-To Guide”. Pinkie remembered Twilight saying that the book was in amazing condition, and it looked like it had never been read.
After she wrote a letter to Princess Celestia telling her about the book, the Princess had sent a bunch of stuffy old ponies in tweed suits to check it out. They had asked her all kinds of questions about the book, and how she made it, and they spent days reading different parts of it, and sending letters back and forth with their office in Canterlot. Then yesterday, one of the ponies gave Twilight a special letter telling her that she was going to get some literature medal for the accomplishment of making the book. Pinkie immediately volunteered to throw a congratulatory party for Twilight, and ran off to start planning, leaving Twilight with a look of confusion and vague deja vu.
She stood back to admire the freshly decorated bakery and nodded approvingly, just as Mrs. Cake walked in.
“Oh, Pinkie Pie, it looks wonderful, but shouldn't you be at the award ceremony now?” she said with a touch of motherly concern.
“You're so silly Mrs. Cake,” Pinkie giggled. “The ceremony doesn't even start until two o' clock.”
“But, Pinkie dear, it's already two-fifteen,” Mrs. Cake said, a bit urgently.
Pinkie turned to look at the clock on the wall. She batted a few balloons out of her line of sight and saw that Mrs. Cake was right.
“Ohmigosh! I'm late! I have to go! See you later Mrs.—wait! Why aren't you and Mr. Cake at the ceremony?” she asked, puzzled.
“Oh, I couldn't bear to show my face around the Princess again. Not after the tea incident,” Mrs. Cake said, looking down at her hooves.
Pinkie thought back to the one and only time the Cakes had hosted the Princess; and her extremely minor prank involving an overflowing teacup.
“But Mrs. Cake, that was just a little joke, the Princess didn't mean anything by it. I'm sure she'd like to see you again!” Pinkie assured her.
“You don't understand Pinkie,” said Mrs. Cake, shaking her head. “It was embarrassing for me, but Mr. Cake still has nightmares about her whispering 'Gotcha!' He had heard the stories about what happened to ponies who displeased the Princess. He told me they would be asked their opinion on bananas, and no matter what their answer...” she looked up at Pinkie. “At the very least he thought he was going to be banished from Equestria, or thrown in a dungeon, or banished and then thrown in a dungeon in the place he was banished to. He wakes up in a cold sweat screaming at least once a week.”
“Wow, so that's what that noise is, I thought it was just the wind,” Pinkie said, nonchalantly.
“No dear, it's—what kind of wind sounds like screaming?” asked Mrs. Cake quizzically.
“I guess you've never been to a rock farm, huh Mrs. Cake?” Pinkie asked with a knowing look.
“Anyway, I could talk to the Princess if you want, maybe she could come by after the ceremony and explain to him that it was no big deal and she was just kidding. After all, everypony else seems to take her royalty a lot more seriously than she does. She just wanted to relax and have fun, not get waited on hoof and...” Pinkie raised up a front hoof and looked at it. A puzzled expression came across her face as she looked back at her rear hooves. “...other hoof?” she said, looking confused.
“I would really appreciate that. Thank you Pinkie, I just hope he will listen to the Princess herself. I told him those stories were just vicious lies made up by those New Lunar Republic separatists, but he wouldn't believe me,” she said, defeated.
“You mean those ponies with the crazy eyes and messy manes who stand around on street corners talking about how Princess Celestia is a tyrant and Princess Luna should be in charge?” Pinkie asked.
“That's them, dear,” Mrs. Cake said, nodding once. “They're also the ones who put up those posters of Princess Celestia that say 'OBEY' on them. They spread their vile propaganda in a misguided attempt to turn ponies against her, a pathetic tactic on their part,” said Mrs. Cake with a single shake of her head. “They seem to be trying to incite a civil war because they think it would be 'fun', or 'cool', or 'epic' to tear apart the centuries old peace of our country, pitting pony against pony in battle to determine which Princess is better. Needless war for war's sake,” she said, with a hint of vitriol in her voice. “Besides, history has shown that true harmony can be attained only through the balance provided by both Princesses together, and their belief in one Princess being 'superior' is fundamentally flawed. I could go on, but I don't want to bore you with minutiae,” Mrs. Cake said, shaking her head.
“Wow Mrs. Cake, you sure know a lot about Equestrian politics!” said Pinkie, happily.
“You could say that Pinkie Pie. Politics was my first love,” the baker said somberly.
“Really, Mrs. Cake? Then why are you a baker? You could be Mayor!” Pinkie said excitedly.
“Well,” said Mrs. Cake, beginning to pace around the bakery “I was born into a family that has been very influential in the field of politics. In fact, my earliest ancestor in Equestria was Smart Cookie, the 'secretary' to the Earth Pony chancellor. Before I discovered baking, I was very dedicated to the study of Equestrian political science and I thought I was going to get a cutie mark for dissertation writing, or maybe legal studies. Then, during a break from my studies, I tried my hoof at baking and found it to be a fun hobby,” she said with a small laugh. “I entered and won a few baking competitions and, before I knew it, I got my cutie mark for baking. I thought it was my true life's calling, as all foals do. Then I met Mr. Cake, and now we have the twins, and they're becoming more and more of a hoof full every day. I still enjoy talking politics, even though I'm just a tiny bit better at baking.”
She stopped pacing in the center of the room and closed her eyes.
“Sometimes I wonder if my cutie mark really represents the true me. I have this innate understanding and passion for politics, but my baking ability is also top notch and very enjoyable for me. I feel like I'm at the crossroads of an existential crisis. Ponies always compliment me on my baked goods, but nopony even cares about my views on current events. I want them to appreciate the products of my mind as well as the products of my hooves,” Mrs. Cake said, a tear running down her face. “Do you think I should I give up the baking business and return to the world of politics?”
She was answered by absolute silence.
Mrs. Cake hung her head and sighed. “I know I shouldn't burden you with my problems, dear. In any case, it felt good to really talk to somepony about this. It's like a weight has been lifted. Thank you Pinkie Pie. Now run along to the ceremony, before you miss the whole thing.”
The baker turned around to look at the pink pony, but she was nowhere in sight. She looked around and noticed a hastily scrawled note on the counter.
“Dear Mrs. Cake,
As much fun as it was to listen to you talk about stuff like politics and your life's ambitions, I really need to get to the award ceremony. I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye, so I thought 'how can I say goodbye to Mrs. Cake without interrupting her, because that would be rude, and leaving right now?' Then I realized I could leave a note explaining everything and I could say goodbye at the end of the note! I think I already covered the explaining part, so now I just need to say goodbye. Goodbye.
Your super best bakery assistant in the whole entire world,
Pinkie Pie”
Mrs. Cake looked up from the note and said aloud “Hmm, she dotted all the I's with little hearts...”
~~~
Pinkie Pie ran as fast as she could toward the town square where the ceremony was taking place and glanced up at the clock tower.
“It's already two-thirty! I'll never get there in time like this! Wait! I know what to do!” she shouted.
Pinkie skidded to a halt and took a few deep calming breaths. She then started hopping along casually, intently thinking about the town square. Her hopping speed was less than a quarter of her running speed, and she was still quite far from her destination. She blinked and suddenly found herself on the edge of the crowd looking up at Twilight on stage.
“Whew! It's a good thing I remembered I could do that!” she said, relieved.
~~~
Just in front of the stage sat a row of reserved spots occupied by Twilight's friends and her parents. Twilight's mother gazed up at her daughter with tears of joy in her eyes while Twilight's father passed her a hoofkerchief. His jaw unmistakably quivered with the signs of an impending, and involuntary, spell of sobbing for joy himself. Rarity stood next to him wearing a stunning yellow gown accented with rubies, hoof stitched by none other than herself, of course. She scanned the crowd behind them with a hoof above her eyes and a scowl on her face.
“Now where is Pinkie Pie?” she asked, impatiently. “Doesn't she know it's rude to not show up to a prestigious award ceremony when the recipient is one of her closest friends?”
Fluttershy wore a simple green dress with a floral print. She shifted nervously and looked around. “I just hope nothing bad happened to her,” Her eyes suddenly widened and she covered her mouth with both hooves. “Oh my, why did I say that out loud? Now I've gone and worried myself! I can't bear to just stand here when Pinkie Pie could be in trouble! Somepony needs to help her!” she shrieked gently.
“Now dontcha worry yer overreactin' little head.” said Applejack. “Ah'm sure she's fine. She's probably jus' runnin' a little late.” Applejack was by far the least formally dressed of the bunch, having come straight from the farm during preparations for the Zap Apple harvest. She wore a green bunny suit. Next to her stood Rainbow Dash looking bored and wearing the gold and rainbow monstrosity that had nearly ruined Rarity's reputation with Hoity Toity.
“Yeah, chill out Fluttershy! She's fine! She probably just decided to skip this snooze fest and wait for us at Sugarcube Corner.” Dash said, with more than a hint of annoyance in her voice.
“Rainbow Dash, must you be so crude!? We are in the presence of Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, the latter of which is making one of her exceedingly rare daytime appearances!” Rarity said, gesturing towards the stage. “Show some respect! Also, did you really have to wear that...thing in public?” her face betrayed a look of disgust as she glanced over Dash's outfit.
“Calm down, I made the changes you asked for,” the pegasus said, matter-of-factly, and turned to show Rarity the back of the cape. In poorly stitched large gold letters were the words “Designed by Rainbow 'Danger' Dash.” Rarity breathed a sigh of relief and looked up at the stage.
“I just wish that Twilight had done the same,” she anxiously said.
On stage, Twilight sat on a golden chair between Princesses Celestia and Luna, wearing her own dress design covered in technically accurate constellations. Seated on a smaller chair next to Princess Celestia was Spike, wearing a tuxedo jacket. Behind them, towering above the crowd on a pedestal was Twilight's giant book. A balding unicorn stallion wearing a tweed blazer addressed the crowd in a professional sounding monotone.
“The Neighbel Prize is the highest honor to be awarded in the fields of chemistry, literature, physics, and of course, the development of peaceful applications for military technology, rendered useless by centuries of tranquility. It is named for Alfalfa Neighbel, the father of such innovations as party cannons, pumpkin catapults...”
He droned on, listing repurposed military hardware that had been turned into fairground games, construction equipment and countless other things. After he mentioned the miniature guillotine that was perfect for slicing fruit, Pinkie's tail began to twitch. She quickly turned her head, scanning her surroundings for cover, but could find none at the edge of the crowd.
“Twitcha twitch!” She cried. “Something's gonna fall!”
A few ponies nearby looked at her angrily, and one shushed her. Another group of ponies looked up at the sky cautiously. Seeing nothing unusual, they glared at Pinkie and looked back to the stage. To her left, a gray, cross-eyed pegasus with a yellow mane gasped and curled up on the ground with her hooves over her head.
Princess Luna turned to Twilight and held a hoof in front of her mouth.
“TWILIGHT SPARKLE! THE ACCURACY OF OUR STARS UPON THY CLOAK MOST IMPRESSES US! THOU MUST HAVE ALLOCATED MUCH TIME TO–”
“LUNA!” Princess Celestia interrupted, in an even louder Royal Canterlot Voice. “WHY AM I EVEN PAYING FOR SPEECH THERAPY, IF YOU NEVER GO?!”
Twilight's ears rang from the focused volume of the two Royal Sisters, and she cringed ever so slightly. Luna blushed and turned away from the crowd, most members of which were cowering in fear of the sudden booming sounds. However, one greasy maned, maroon earth pony with a black helicopter cutie mark stood his ground.
“Aha! I told you all she was evil! Down with Princess Celestia, the auditory assailant! She seeks to render us all deaf so we cannot hear the truth!” he reached a hoof into his saddlebag and pulled out a stack of dirty paper.
A stallion wearing tennis shorts with exquisite facial hair shook his head nearby. “This is no time for your theories, Crackpot!” he shouted.
“Here, everypony, take a pamphlet, it has everything you need to know!” Crackpot yelled as he threw the stack high into the air.
At that moment, a shape moved slowly over the crowd, casting a shadow upon the assembled ponies who were still reeling from the Princess' shouting and the delusional ramblings of the NLR fanatic. The few who looked up caught glimpses of a dark figure the shape of a pony flying high above the crowd, but something was amiss. The pony had no wings and yet was flying. The figure wore a black cloak and pulled a cart through the air. It stopped above the crowd and dumped out a saddle bag full of purple dust. As the purple haze settled among the still disoriented crowd, the reaction was immediate, varied, and quite unexpected.
Some collapsed onto the ground and began sobbing uncontrollably, others started laughing maniacally, and still others initiated lengthy conversations with themselves regarding the proper methods for preparing exquisite meals from apple cores, or growing crops with the aid of lots of salt, or pronouncing words like “blancmange” and “both.”
To her right, Pinkie noticed a mint green unicorn standing on her hind hooves, talking disjointedly about something called “you-mans” and “fin-gers”. Next to the unicorn stood a cream colored earth pony talking about not putting apples in bags, looking for celebrities, “incredible, amazing dolls”, and rocks in cider as she cycled through increasingly ridiculous voices.
Pinkie Pie blinked. She looked cautiously around at the pandemonium and found everypony acting bizarrely; well, everypony except her. She looked up at the stage and stared in shock as the dark figure landed next to Twilight's book and began tipping the book into its cart.
“Hay! That's Twilight's big old boring book! You can't just take it!” she shouted with righteous anger.
The figure turned and looked at her, but she could not see the face beneath its hood. It shook its head and quickly pushed the book into the cart. The figure thrust its chest out pompously and turned towards Pinkie.
“You think you can intimidate me? You may have escaped with your mind intact, but you are powerless to stop what's coming!” it bellowed ominously.
“And just what is coming?” Pinkie asked sternly.
“Oh, it's gonna be just great!” the figure said, relaxing its stance and speaking in a much more amiable voice. “First, we incapacitate the Princesses and the bearers of the Elements of Harmony so nopony can stand in our way, they we use this book to—hay!” The figure stood up on its hind hooves and put its fore hooves on its hips. “You think using clever linguistic tricks like 'asking' will get me to tell you the plan? Well it won't work!” the figure said, waggling a covered hoof at Pinkie.
The figure dropped back to its fore hooves. “Now I'm taking this book back to my boss and we're going to use it to—ah! There you go again! Now you're standing there listening! You should just quit your little tricks; they're not gonna work!” the figure snidely said. “Anyway, my boss is going to do... 'something.' And what a something it will be! You will rue the day that something happens!” The figure shouted. “Now don't try and stop us, because we can't be stopped! You hear that?! Do you hear that with your 'ears' and your 'paying attention?!' You should just go home and cry because all your friends are crazy!”
With that, the figure slowly took off into the sky and suddenly vanished.
“All my friends are crazy?” The pink pony asked herself in disbelief.
She quickly pushed her way through the crowd of gibbering ponies, stopping only momentarily upon hearing one say the word discombobulate, and making a mental note that it was a silly word she didn't understand and to use it as much as possible from now on. On reaching the front of the crowd, she was greeted by a disquieting, though not completely unfamiliar sight. Rarity laid on the ground, bawling her eyes out. Fluttershy huddled against the stage with her eyes tightly closed cowering and muttering. Rainbow Dash had curled into a ball, quivering and mumbling quietly to herself. Her eyes starkly open but not focused on anything in particular. Applejack had curled up with her hooves over her eyes and sat perfectly still. Twilight's parents shook and slowly wandered into the crowd.
Pinkie gingerly trotted up to her friends.
“Hay, girls! It's Pinkie! You're not crazy, are you? That big meanie who stole Twilight's book said you were all crazy, but I know that meanies like that fib all the time!” Pinkie said with a mixture of hope and denial.
Her friends did not acknowledge her in any way and carried on with their individual psychoses. Pinkie looked away from them and up at the stage. Her mouth fell open at the sight before her. Twilight grinned literally ear to ear and occasionally giggled quietly to herself while wringing her hooves. On either side of Twilight sat the Princesses, both perfectly still, blankly staring straight ahead. Spike had fallen off his chair; weeping and yelling incoherently.
Pinkie took a step back and her eyes darted from one mad pony to another. She had seen her friends act a bit crazy before, but never like this, and what about the Princesses? What could cause them to just sit there during an attack on their subjects? She thought about reassuring them, telling them everything would be all right, but she knew they wouldn't even hear her, much less understand what she was saying. Suddenly she received a tap on the back. Spinning on her hooves,she expected to see a normal pony acting crazy. She found the exact opposite.
Standing before her was a gray pegasus with a yellow mane. Her expression was concerned, a rare look for her. Rarer still, she was not walleyed.
“If you want to help your friends, follow me,” she said gently, in her deeper than average voice.
Pinkie blinked, unsure about this new turn of events, but she followed nonetheless. The pegasus led Pinkie to a nearby well and climbed onto the ledge.
“Hay, be careful!” was all she managed to shout before the gray pegasus jumped down into the darkness. Pinkie looked around, trying to find somepony else who could help her, but surrounding her was utter chaos. The crowd had begun dispersing from the town square and spreading into the rest of Ponyville. There was nothing Pinkie could do. Desperate for any help, she climbed onto the edge of the well, took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and jumped in.
~~~
Pinkie screamed in terror for a moment before she felt herself decelerating. Opening her eyes, she saw that the walls of the well had gently curved into a slide and she began picking up speed. She started giggling.
“Faster, faster!” she happily yelled.
She continued accelerating through the darkness. She felt that the slide had mostly leveled out into a gently sloped tunnel that carried her away from the town square. She moved upwards for a moment and suddenly exited the tunnel. The pink pony found herself through the air in a large chamber. Pinkie continued laughing as she came to an abrupt stop in the center of the chamber.
“Whee! That was fun! It was almost as fun as the time I slid down a tunnel in a well! Oh wait, that was this time! That was the most fun I've ever had! Can I do it again?!” she shouted excitedly.
She looked around and saw the ghostly image of two glowing gray hooves holding her in the air. The gray pegasus stood in front of her, wearing an odd green jumpsuit. She held out a hoof and stared straight into Pinkie's eyes.
The glowing hooves lowered her gently to the floor and disappeared.
“Derpy? Is that you? What's wrong, or not wrong, with your eyes? And your voice? No offense, but I mean almost every time I see you in town, your eyes look really goofy and you sound, well, not as smart,” Pinkie gasped. “Was that just a joke? Were you pranking the whole town? Even that time you destroyed town hall with your rump? That was a good one! I never suspected a thing!” Pinkie said happily.
“No Pinkie, I wasn't pranking anypony,” Derpy said with a sigh. “There's really no time to explain now, we need to give you a crash course in psychic training so you can save your friends, and probably, the world,” Derpy announced in a kind, but authoritative voice.
“Psychic? What does that mean?” Pinkie asked, puzzled.
“It means that your mind is capable of extraordinary feats, far beyond the capabilities of the average pony,” Derpy said with a grandiose hoof gesture. “I have been observing you for some time, assessing your potential and suitability for our organization. You are able to alter the laws of physics to suit your needs. You can perceive events across great distances in the present, and predict future events. Surely you must be aware of your own abilities?” Derpy asked, slightly worried.
“Oh, yeah. I guess I can do all that. I thought it was all just a part of my Pinkie Sense.” Pinkie said, dismissively.
“Your 'Pinkie Sense' as you call it is your psychic ability,” Derpy began. “During my observations, I have seen you exhibit clairvoyance, precognition, levitation, and an ability rare even among the most powerful psychics; spatial displacement. Teleportation, in terms you're more familiar with. Your ability to use these powers with no formal training is quite impressive, and very fortunate for us now. We can help you restore your friends to sanity and stop whatever heinous plan is in the works.”
“We? Who's we?” Pinkie asked, looking around uncertainly.
“The Psychonauts, Pinkie,” Derpy began, pacing back and forth. “We are an organization of psychic ponies who operate under the orders of the Princesses to resolve any mental issue, ranging from helping Princess Luna remember where she left her abacus, to dealing with psychic terrorist attacks like this one.” She stopped pacing and looked directly into Pinkie's eyes. “You have a gift, Pinkie. Join us. Let us help you hone your skills for the good of all Equestria.”
Pinkie thought for a moment. She really wanted to help her friends get back to normal, plus she could probably learn a lot of fun new tricks from these ponies. Her mind immediately shifted into “psychic pranks” mode.
“Okie dokie lokie! I'll join you!” Pinkie said excitedly.
“Thank you for accepting. You probably won't regret it,” Derpy said quickly. “I hereby grant you the title of Psychonaut Recruit and bestow upon you this very special device,” Derpy said as she held out a muffin.
“Is that...a muffin?” Pinkie asked uncertainly.
“Of course. You're a new recruit, and this is a very important matter, so I'm going to keep a mental eye on you. If you ever want to ask my advice, just hold that muffin up to your ear and I'll appear. I can't get enough of muffins...so tasty...and moist...and delectable...”
“O...kay then” said Pinkie, mesmerized by a strand of drool at the edge of Derpy's mouth.
“Excuse me” said Derpy, using a hoof to wipe the drool from her mouth.
“No problem! I feel the same way about chocolate cake! Mmmm, so yummy...”
Her voice dropped a few octaves.
“Shh, don't worry, Pinkie's here. It's just you and me, chocolate cake. But who's this? Oh, it's chimicherrychanga, come crawling back to me. Chimicherrychanga, I created you and you betrayed me,” Pinkie said, turning away from the unseen dessert. “Are you here to apologize for what you did with all those other ponies?” Pinkie said, folding her front hooves. She turned her head and closed her eyes with a frown on her face. Opening one eye slightly, she suddenly unfolded her hooves and smiled wide. “Oh, chimicherrychanga, you temptress, I can't stay mad at you.”
Derpy looked at Pinkie, her brow furrowed.
Pinkie coughed.
“Yeah, um...what were we talking about? Oh right! Muffins!” Pinkie said, her voice returning to normal.
Pinkie took the muffin from Derpy, and suddenly remembered that ponies don't have pockets.
“Uh, where am I supposed to keep this?” Pinkie asked, uncertain.
“I'm glad you asked. Here is the second piece of your equipment” said Derpy, holding out a green saddlebag with the logo of the Psychonauts on the front, a brain surrounded by three wedges covered in unfamiliar symbols.
“Hay, thanks! I'm sure this will come in hoofy!” said Pinkie as she secured the saddlebag and placed the muffin inside.
“Wait, why are you sending me on such an important mission? I'm new to all this and you actually know what you're doing. Wouldn't it be a lot easier if you did it yourself?” Pinkie asked, puzzled.
“Well, uh, that's the thing... I—and by 'I', I mean this iteration of me—can't leave this cave. We really don't have time to get into this, but I'll try to clarify things for you.” Derpy closed her eyes and hung her head.
“Years ago I was one of the leaders of the Psychonauts, a Psychomaster,” Derpy began. “I was one of the most powerful psychics in recorded history. The mere mention of my name would strike fear into the hearts of psychic evildoers.” She looked up at Pinkie. “At the height of my career, I was involved in a psychic duel, one on one, with the most powerful foe I had ever faced. The other Psychonauts were on their way to help, but they arrived too late.” Derpy sighed.
“She got inside my mind and shattered my psyche. I was left broken. Schizophrenic,” Derpy said gloomily. “After a while, my mind reconstituted itself into a few distinct personalities. When you see me on the surface, what you're seeing is one of them—the mailmare, the insurance liability, the village idiot, among others,” the pegasus said with a small nod. “When I'm each of those personalities, I don't remember much about who I really am. The only thing that remains constant across all of my iterations is my love for my daughter, Dinky,” Derpy said, a mixture of regret and joy in her voice.
Tears streamed down Pinkie's face.
“How could that big old mean meanie pants do that to you?!” she bawled. “You were just trying to stop a bad guy!” Her expression suddenly changed from sadness to confusion. “Hay, wait a minute! Why are you your regular self down here? And why were you the regular you at the ceremony?” Pinkie asked, puzzled.
“For that I have to thank a very special mineral called Psitanium. You see, Psitanium is a psychoreactive material that can focus and amplify psychic waves,” Derpy said with an air of authority. “It can strengthen the abilities of psychics, but it can also make mentally unstable ponies more unstable.” She slowly waved a hoof around the chamber. “This cave is the epicenter of a natural Psitanium deposit beneath Ponyville.”
“When I'm near a large enough concentration of Psitanium, my mind is able to pull itself back together and return me to what I was before the incident.” The pegasus held her head up proudly. “Princess Celestia posted me here to safeguard the Psitanium; and because she knew it was the only way to make me whole again, even temporarily. The attack at the ceremony was an orchestrated release of refined Psitanium dust onto the crowd, which drove most of them insane, but granted me a rare moment of clarity on the surface,” Derpy somberly explained.
Pinkie looked around and saw veins of a glowing purple rock crisscrossing the walls of the chamber, and a huge lump of the rock under the glass plate that covered the floor. The glass was emblazoned with the Psychonauts logo.
“Now, our next course of action is to get you some training with the various psychic abilities you'll need to carry out your mission. You know your friends better than anypony else does, so you are the most capable of restoring them to sanity,” Derpy kindly explained. “Don't worry about the others up there, I've already contacted the local Psychonaut agents and they're going to be helping them.”
“Restore them to sanity? How am I supposed to do that? Oh! I know!” Pinkie said excitedly.
The pink pony zoomed away in a flash and returned just as quickly wearing a false beard and round eyeglasses.
“Now I'm ready!” she said happily. Suddenly her expression turned serious.
“Vere iz ze first patient? I haff a lot ov zem to get to, zo I must shtart immediately.” Pinkie said in an astonishingly bad imitation of a German accent.
Derpy facehooved.
“No, Pinkie. Pretending you're Sigmare Freud, mother of psychology and world renowned cross-dresser, will not help your friends. However, this will,” said Derpy, holding out something in her hoof.
Pinkie looked down at it. It seemed to be a tiny replica of the front door to Sugarcube Corner with the Psychonauts logo in the center.
“I had hoped to give this to you under more peaceful circumstances, but I'm afraid that's out of the question now,” Derpy said, apologetically.
“What is it? And why does everything around here have the logo on it?” asked Pinkie.
“We put the logo on all of our equipment for easier brand recognition, you see,” Derpy said simply. “Can't have ponies thinking that every Tom, Pip, and Gummy running around with psychic powers is part of our group, now can we?”
“That makes sense, I guess.” Pinkie shrugged “So, anyway, what is that thing?”
“This is a Psycho Portal. Every Psychonaut carries one. It allows us to use astral projection to enter the minds of others. Once inside, we chase their dreams, we fight their demons, and we live their nightmares,” Derpy said slowly, and a bit melodramatically.
“Oooooh, sounds spooky, but I'm not afraid! When do I start?” Pinkie asked eagerly.
At that moment, a figure entered the chamber through the same tunnel Pinkie had used. Glowing yellow hooves appeared and caught it in midair. As it was lowered to the floor, Pinkie saw it was a yellow earth pony mare with an orange mane and a carrot cutie mark. She landed a bit more heavily than intended and looked at Pinkie.
“I'd say right now.”
