Caw-Caw, Motherf-----s.

by Zaiker42

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Crossover, Comedy
Length: 10076

Dimension-hopping is no new concept to this winged foreigner, but this isn't exactly your everyday dimension.

An orange, dimension-hopping winged ghost guy ends up in the magical land of Equestria, face to face with some sort of talking horse thing. He's not quite sure how to feel about this situation.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-24 15:33:19 UTC

Caw, Caw

Caw, Caw, Motherf-----s.

----

"Urgh," groaned the boy as he pushed himself up with his arms. "I gotta stop 'investigating' all of these random portal things in my down time. I always end up face down in some alternate universe or something else equally as stupid."

"Wow, you're shiny!" a bubbly voice called out to him, from somewhere to his right.

"Never heard that one before," the boy replied, turning to face his addresser. What he was not expecting to see was that he was apparently having a conversation with a pink horse with pink hair and super-wide blue eyes. He could have said before that he'd talked to some rather odd horse enthusiasts, but never before had he conversed with an actual horse.

"No, but you're like, really really shiny!" she said, putting an overly large amount of emphasis on the second "really." "Also orange. I don't think I've ever seen anypony as orange as you before!"

"Any... pony? Wow, alright, even I thought that was a lame pun. And I'm the master of lame puns. Well, okay, maybe not the master exactly, but I've shared my share of embarrassingly awful puns before. I bet that's what you call all of your horse friends while you're having your little horse get-togethers, huh?"

"Yeah, it is!" she replied, grinning widely. The sarcasm in the boy's voice obviously went unnoticed. "So what's up with your weird tail? I've never seen a tail like it before, either! And those wings! Why's one shorter than the other? And what's all that yellow stuff? Oh my gosh, are those bandages on your stomach? Oh my gosh, are you hurt, Mister Orange Guy!? Oh no! We need to get you to the hospital right away!" she shouted, her voice becoming increasingly panicked, in an almost comedic manner.

"Oh, uh, hey, chill out, chica, it's okay. I'm fine, honest," the boy replied, a little taken aback at the concern this horse chick seemed to be showing him, a complete stranger. "I've already done all there is to do, I'll be fine eventually. You can relax."

"Are you absolutely-positively sure about that?" she asked, raising an eyebrow and leaning in toward his face.

"Uh. Yeah, I'm... sure."

"Pinkie Promise?" she asked, leaning in even closer.

"What the h--- is a Pinkie Pro--" he said, cutting himself off abruptly. "Did you hear that?" he asked.

"Hear what?" the pony said, tilting her head at him.

"The way my voice just skipped like a broken record. It would honestly be kind of ironic seeing as that used to be like, my symbol thing, but it's a little bit too weird for me to even consider making that joke. Unless of course, that actually already counts as me making the joke... gah, hold up, I'm rambling. The skip, did you hear it?"

"Nope, didn't hear anything like that, but it's weird that you did! Maybe you have super special ears that are like, mega-ultra sensitive to weird noises and stuff that nopony else can hear! That would be cool, wouldn't it? Haahahaahaahah! Oh, by the way, you're still kind of on the ground. Do you want me to give you a hoof?"

"A hoof? Uh, nah, I got this," he said, noting that he was indeed, still on the ground. On further inspection, he also discovered that he now had hooves on the end of his arms... legs... whatever, instead of his usual hands. He did, however, still have his weird ghost-tail-thingy, thus making some of the pink pony's earlier interrogative inquiries seem like perfectly natural questions. He could already tell that even in this weird pastel land that looked strangely like the setting of some kind of kids' show, he was kind of the odd-one-out. 'Nothing new there,' he thought to himself.

"You seem like you're thinking about a lot of stuff," she said, sitting down in front of him. "You want somepony to talk to?"

"Um, no, no, I'm good, honestly. I just think about stuff a lot. It's kind of my thing. Well, that, self-loathing, and controversial meta jokes are my things, but I have this weird feeling that I should be trying to avoid the last two. Probably some sort of admin-set rule or something."

"Rule?" the pink pony asked, quirking her eyebrow once again at the orange pony. "Wow, you're even better at not making any sense than I am! And I've been told that I'm really good at not making any sense!"

"Uh, thanks, I guess," the boy said, rolling his eyes. "By the way, I never got your name. Pink-something, right?"

"Uh-huh!" she replied, nodding her head sporadically. "It's Pinkie Pie! I'm Ponyville's number one premier party planning pony!"

"Huh. Pinkie Pie, 'Ponyville's' party planner? That seems too alliteratorily perfect to be a coincidence."

"Alliter-what-ily?"

"Alliteration. That literary thing with the first letter being the same? Too many P's in there for your little hobby to be a coincidence, or y'know, that's what it sounds like."

"Oh, haha, you're right! That's aliiteratastic! But planning parties isn't a hobby of mine, silly! It's my special talent!" Pinkie said, her near-constant grin widening further. "See?" she continued, pointing to a picture on her flank.

"I don't get it," the boy said, looking at the triple balloon print upon the pony's side. "I mean, I get that the balloons are supposed to mean that you like parties or something, but isn't getting a tattoo on your a-- a little extreme?" he said, noting that his speech was once again skipped over, as if he was simply not allowed to speak like that in this world or something.

"Oh, come on, now you're just being super silly! You have to know that this is my Cutie Mark! It shows everypony what my special talent is! Like yours does, duh! Look at it! It obviously means you like music, right?"

He looked at the space where his pony body seemed to melt into his ghost tail (completely skipping his hind legs in the process), and saw what she was talking about. He saw a simple picture of a broken record with wings. Or, to be more precise, one point five wings. Just like the picture that he used to have printed on the chest of his favorite shirt. "Well," he said, "I do like to rap from time to time, but I wouldn't exactly call it my 'special talent' or whatever. I'm actually pretty terrible at it."

"Oh come ooon!" Pinkie said, waving her hoof dismissively. "I'm sure you're great at it! Anyway, now that I think about it, I never actually got your name, Orange Rapper Guy! I'm sure it's something really cool, like your sunglasses!" she said, smiling about as radiantly as the sun in the sky.

"Haha, nah, it's not, really," he said, scratching the back of his head awkwardly. "But it's, uh... it's Davesprite. My name is Davesprite," the boy said, seeming a little unsure about it himself.

"Dave Sprite? Huh, that's a funny name! But it is super cool, just like I thought it would be! Hey, Davey, you know what would be almost as cool? If I took you to go see my friends! One of them is a princess, and I'm sure she'd be super excited to meet you! They all will, I just know it! You wanna come along?" she asked, blinking at him rapidly.

"I'm... not entirely sure I even have a choice in the matter here," Davesprite replied, smiling slightly. "So I guess I'll go with you to meet your, er, little horse friends. But hey, what do you mean, 'one of them's a princess?' Like, does she act like a princess, or is she straight up actual royalty?"

"Royalty! She has a fancy crown and everything! She even had her coronation a few months ago! It's cool because even though she's a princess now, she's still the same old Twilight! Now come on, let's go meet everypony and have ourselves a WELCOME PARTAY!" she shouted, dragging Davesprite along with her towards the small town they seemed to be on the edge of.

'Now what have I gotten myself into?' Davesprite silently asked himself, almost gliding along behind the ecstatic pink pony pulling him along.

'And why, even as a friggin' tiny horse, do I still not get to have any f-----g legs?!'

Her Majesty the Nerd, and Her Entourage

Caw-Caw, Motherf-----s

Ch. 2 - Her Majesty the Nerd, and Her Entourage

"Come on, Davey, you're sooo slow!" Pinkie said, continuing to drag the half-floating pegasus boy down the street. "You'd think not having your hind legs would make you move quicker or be lighter or something, but you're still a massive slowpoke!"

"Should I be offended by that little comment?" Davesprite asked, allowing himself to be pulled hither and thither by the crazy pink mare. "On second thought, never mind. How much farther do we have to walk until we get to your horse friend people, anyway?"

"Not much farther!" she said, turning her head almost completely around, continuing her rather impossible-looking bounce-trot thing in the process. How she did any of this was all way beyond Davesprite's comprehension at this point. "They're all waiting for me at Sugarcube Corner!"

"Sugar... cube... Corner? Oh, right, I get it. You're horses, and horses eat sugar cubes sometimes. This place is just chock full of horse puns, isn't it?" he asked, looking around the small village town as they continued on. "Why are they waiting for you, anyway? Like, all in one place? Did you guys already have something planned for today or what?"

"Yup! They're all there waiting for us to show up so we can throw you your 'Welcome to Ponyville' party!" Pinkie replied, beaming.

"My what?" Davesprite inquired, raising an eyebrow.

"Your 'Welcome to Ponyville' party! I told you that I was Ponyville's premier party planner, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did. Like, twelve friggin' minutes ago. There is no way you could have put together a party specifically for me in that time frame, because you were right here the whole time. And how would your friends have even known?"

"Oh, pssh, silly!" Pinkie laughed loudly, stopping to over-exaggeratedly wipe nonexistent tears from her eyes. "The party wasn't for you before now! I'm just gonna make it be for you! I was just throwing a 'Happy Tuesday' party, but now I have an even better reason to celebrate! I made a cool new friend today, after all!"

"Uh, alrighty then," Davesprite said, quirking an eyebrow of his own. "Y'know, you're really throwing me off, calling me 'cool,' and actually meaning it. At least, I'm pretty sure you mean it. You don't seem like the pers--er, pony to utilize sarcasm too often, to be honest."

"Sometimes! But not when I say you're cool! I really do think you're cool!" the other pony said, stopping to turn and face the orange pegasus. She had an ever-so-slighly hurt look on her face. "You do believe me, right? You don't think I'm just being mean and messing with you?" she asked, her big blue eyes sparkling like she had hopped straight out of some kawaii desu anime or something of the sort.

Davesprite blinked. "Um. No, I don't think that at all. Especially not now. Hey, uh. Don't look all upset. I've known you for all of fifteen minutes and I already know that I don't like seeing you upset. Let's just keep going until we get to that Sugarcube Central or whatever it was called so we can meet up with your friends, alright?"

Pinkie's face brightened up again and she giggled, "Oh, we don't have to worry about doing that. We're already here!" she exclaimed, motioning to the building in front of them.

Davesprite blinked rapidly at the odd structure before him. "Um. Pinkie? You do realize that's a giant f------ gingerbread house, don't you?"

"Well, duh, of course it is! On the outside, anyway. Living in a real gingerbread house wouldn't be very safe at all! It'd be tasty, but then you wouldn't have a house anymore. Anyway, what were you even expecting it to look like?"

"Um, y'know what? I'm really not sure. Maybe I imagined it to be some kind of big white box? I mean, 'Sugar Cubes' are white cube things, so... ugh, never mind, I need to learn to stop assuming s--- here. Especially since I keep friggin' skipping beats like some sort of shattered vinyl over here."

"That weird, super sensitive hearing of yours acting up again? You should get that checked out," Pinkie suggested, giggling. "Let's go in now! I'm sure everypony would love to meet you!"

"Right. Sure they will. After you, I suppose," Davesprite stated, motioning to the front door with his ar--han--hoof.

"Aww, you're such a gentlecolt!" she said, giggling again as she bounced into the building.

"Gentlecolt?" he murmured to himself. "Guess that one makes sense," he decided, walk/floating into the store behind the tuft of pink, bubbly nonsense.

"Hey, girls!" Pinkie called to the other ponies gathered in the store. "I made a new friend today!"

Davesprite had a feeling that the "girls" could already tell. Six pairs of eyes were suddenly locked on him, and six mouths gaped open in shock. He was pretty much used to this reaction by this point, but he wasn't used to the ones looking so shocked also being weird animal things with human-like characteristics.

"Yo," he greeted flatly, waving a hoof at the group of mares.

Instantly, one of the ponies; specifically the pale yellow pony with green eyes, pink hair, and wings; squealed and leaped behind the counter, her tail visibly quivering in fright, along with the rest of her expertly hidden form. The others weren't especially shaken at this, and only continued to stare. After a few moments, Davesprite suddenly noticed that one of the pairs of eyes seemed a little too close to the ground. Upon further examination, they appeared to belong to a small, purple being with green spikes on his head.

"Hey. Little dude," Davesprite called to the small figure, lowering his shades with a hoof. "Are you a dragon?"

"Um, well, yeah," the reptilian child replied, fidgeting a little. "I'm a dragon."

Davesprite placed his shades back over his eyes and smiled widely, chuckling. "Dude, that's sick as h---. I didn't know this place had dragons. Next you guys are gonna be telling me you've got Cerberus tied up with a leash in the backyard."

"Pfft, don't be silly!" Pinkie said, casually pouring herself a glass of punch. "Cerberus is back in Tartarus, duh!"

Davesprite's smile was instantaneously replaced by a confused frown. "Whoa, wait, hold the f-----' phone. Tartarus? You guys have the Ancient Greek version of Hell? And Cerberus is actually there, guarding it?!" he asked, very obviously alarmed. "I mean, for the love of god, I was joking!"

Pinkie Pie only laughed harder as her orange companion's voice began to crack. The others in the room still seemed a little completely paralyzed, but one of them soon found her voice.

"You look... absolutely horrible," said the white unicorn with the fancy purple hair, grimacing at Davesprite as if he were a pile of dirty laundry.

"Wow. That was a little bit rude," he replied, feigning offense.

"Oh, no, no, that's not what I meant... completely, anyway," she said, walking over to him, more than a little cautiously. "I mean, well... darling, you look like you just got mauled by a manticore, to put it rather bluntly," she finished, focusing on his torn left wing.

"Manticores, too? Man, this place has everything! But no, that's not what happened. I sort of got in a sword fight with some chess dude and he just kinda chopped the useless thing right off. Hurt like a motherf-----, but it hasn't really had much else of an impact on m--"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" the light blue/cyan/whatever, winged pony with the sick rainbow hair interjected. "What do you mean, 'hasn't had any effect on you?' You lost one of your wings! I mean, I'm not even really sure what that means for you, considering you don't even have any back legs, which is really creepy, just saying, but it's still terrible! I mean, if I lost one of my wings and couldn't fly anymore, I don't know what I'd do!" she yelled, waving her forelegs around randomly, only stopping to motion to her wings when they were mentioned.

"Well, I don't really need mine to fly. At least I usually don't? I can just sort of float wherever I want anyway, so they're mostly just there to make me look cool and get in my way a lot when I do stuff. To be frank with you, I'm honestly kind of glad I only have to deal with one. I mean, the dried blood feels a bit weird sometimes, but you get used to it after a while."

"Dried blood?" said the buttercream pony from behind her safety counter. "Is that what all of that, um, yellow stuff is?" she asked, motioning to the yellow on his wing, left foreleg, and waist bandage.

He nodded in reply. "Don't ask me why it's yellow, I haven't the slightest clue," he added, looking over the dried liquid with a sour look on his face.

"So wait, yer sayin' that all this happened to ya because you were in some sorta sword fight? Now why in the hay did you go and do somethin' so incredibly stupid in the first place?" the orange pony questioned in a vaguely Southern accent. Davesprite decided not to question why ponies could be Southern, as that would probably have just ended up being a huge waste of his time.

"Oh yeah, y'know what, you got me, Tennessee. I really wanted to engage some f------ evil black chess guy in mortal combat and get one of my dumba-- wings chopped right the f--- off of my g------ body!" he snapped, glaring intensely at the orange mare. "And I really wanted to lose my--" he began, but abruptly cut himself off. "Whatever, it doesn't even matter. Forget I said anything."

The faces of the six mares and the small dragon quickly went from shock to momentary fear and then settled on concern. They all shared a variety of glances, and then the purple pony walked slowly up to the orange pegasus, a gentle look on her face. Unlike the other ponies, this one was about his height, which he guessed was a little bit taller than most female ponies, and she had both a unicorn horn and a pair of wings. Davesprite got the strange feeling that she was supposed to be important.

"Look, Applejack didn't mean to imply anything. She's just concerned is all. We all are. It definitely sounds like you've been through a lot... even though it also doesn't really make any sense. You actually don't even seem to make any sense. Oh, whoops, shoot, I didn't mean to say that out loud!" she said, blushing and clearing her throat, glancing around awkwardly.

"... Nah, it's fine. I really don't make that much sense. I mean, hey, even where I'm from I don't make any sense. But hey, that's the joy of being me. So what about you? Why do you get all the extra attachments?" Davesprite asked, eager to change the subject.

"Huh? Oh, you mean these?" the other pony replied, flapping her wings and looking up at her forehead.

"No, I mean that extra leg growing out of your stomach, obviously. Yes, I mean the wings and the horn. Why do you get both?"

"I told you before!" Pinkie Pie's voice called as she hopped into view. "She's a Princess!"

"Yeah, and being a princess means that you get to have magic and you get to fly! Twilight's not exactly the best flying buddy, though. She can be kinda slow from time to time. You know, that 'time' being 'always,'" Rainbow Hair chimed in, grinning smugly.

"I think she just looks absolutely fabulous this way!" Pearly White added, giving her Princess friend an affectionate little nuzzle, eliciting a small gag from Davesprite. "Her wings are simply gorgeous, are they not?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure," he agreed, rolling his eyes stealthily behind his shades. "So this is supposed to be some kind of party, right?" he asked, looking around at all the decorations and balloons and whatnot.

"Supposed to be?!" Pinkie shouted angrily from somewhere behind him.

"I'm starvin', and I could really go for some sweets or somethin'. Ooh, and I know this is probably a dumb question since you're all horses and horses like apples a bunch, but er, is there any apple juice in this place?"

Research, or, The End for Now

Caw-Caw, Motherf-----s

Ch. 4 - Research

Davesprite and Twilight Sparkle walked through the calm streets of the now sleepy little town of Ponyville. The pair trotted and/or half-floated in silence, drawing more than a few stares from a wide assortment of passerby along the way. They were both aware that they could be seen as unusual or eye-catching, but neither of them really acknowledged any of the passing ponies. They continued on for a while until Twilight stopped in front of what Davesprite could assume was her home... if not for the sign that clearly marked it as being the "Ponyville Library."

"We're here!" she said, smiling warmly at the familiar setting. "This is the town's library, yes," she noted, sensing the orange pegasus' possible confusion. "But I also like to call it home. It's the perfect place for me, if I do say so myself."

"Uh-huh," was Davesprite's simple reply. "Okay, this place looks totally unsafe," he eventually remarked, eyeing the treehouse carefully. "I mean, you do have lightning storms here, right? This place'd go up in flames if it got hit by a stray bolt o' lightnin'."

"Of course we have lightning storms," Twilight replied, opening the door using some sort of weird reddish-purple telekinesis. "I have a magical barrier surrounding it that is specialized to repel lightning strikes in case of a bad storm. It's funny, the whole 'safety of living in a tree' question comes up a lot more often than I thought it would."

"Huh. How very... convenient. And you said you have it protected by 'magic,' right? So this place is full of magic too, eh? I guess that's how you opened the door. Is that something all of you guys can do, or is it just the pony dudes with horns?" asked the sprite, pointing to her horn as if to accentuate the word.

"Unicorns are the only ponies who can utilize magic in this way, yes," Twilight explained, leading the other pony into her home, lighting a set of candles with her magic as well. "Well, unicorns and alicorns. But considering alicorns, such as myself, are at the basic level of understanding a 'pegasus with wings,' I guess that's kind of obvious."

"Alicorns?" D.S. questioned. "Is that what winged unicorns like you are called? Seems like a weird name, but I'm not exactly an expert at naming hybrid species myself. I wonder what I'd be called here? A pegacrow? Nah, they'd probably throw in something for the ghost motif, too... Specrowagus? No, that's stupid..." he continued, rambling on, mostly to himself.

"Precisely," Twilight said, ignoring the entire second half of his speech while leading the two of them down the staircase into the basement. "There are only a handful of alicorns in all of Equestria. The other Princesses and I are the most well-known, but apparently there have been sighting of others across the nation. Princess Celestia told me that they can be born as the result of mutations in certain ponies who have both a unicorn and a pegasus parent."

"That's cool, I guess," he replied, still thinking of names for himself. Suddenly, something occurred to him. "Hey, Twilight? What happened to the little dragon dude from before? Spike, was it? I don't remember seeing him at the party after our initial little 'conversation.'"

"Oh, I sent Spike back here a while ago. I wanted him to make sure that the library looked nice and tidy for your visit," she said as she turned back to D.S., a sly grin on her face.

Davesprite raised his brow and returned the expression with a little smirk of his own. "You were planning on bringing me back here the whole time? Wow, I think I might have underestimated you and your craftiness. I'd applaud you if I still had hands. And I'm glad the little guy's alright," he added thoughtfully. "Thought the author just forgot about him or something," he murmured under his breath.

"Oh, you can probably figure out some other way to show your appreciation," the alicorn said, laughing a little. She stopped in front of her makeshift "laboratory" where she did most of her research and potion-making. "We're here, Dave!"

"Davesprite," he said, coming to a stop behind her, emphasizing the "sprite" part heavily. "Dave's... well, he's some other guy. I'm Davesprite."

Twilight frowned. "Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you," she offered, the frown morphing into a sympathetic smile. "I actually meant to ask you about that at some point. I noticed that you seem to correct everyone on that point, and you also I believe, referred to yourself as a 'half-baked clone' while you were talking to Applejack. Now why would you call yourself something so... demeaning?"

"Because that's what I am," he stated simply, shrugging a little. "It sounds harsh, but it's the truth. I'm the second iteration of a guy named 'Dave' and I'm his 'Sprite,' or like, spirit guide. Therefore, I am 'Dave's Sprite,' or Davesprite. The name I have now is probably the game's way of actually trying to make me sound like less of a worthless fairy thing like Navi."

She didn't say anything for a minute, only staring at him blankly. "Now see," she suddenly began, as if she were already in mid-explanation. "That's another thing I don't understand. You keep throwing out these allusions and references that go above everypony's head, but are obviously things that you understand as 'real' and 'common.' And you're always asking about what 'we' have or what 'we' do as ponies, even though half of you is obviously a pony! Davesprite, answer this for me, would you?" she said, taking a deep breath. "Who and what exactly are you, and where did you come from?"

D.S. blinked. He wasn't expecting her to ask all of those questions at once. He had of course, known he was going to have to answer them eventually, but not all at the same time. He pursed his lips and thought through his answer for a few moments. "Well... I think I already told you the answer to that first part. Y'know, 'who and what am I?' I'm Davesprite, the spirit guide of a certain Dave Strider, who also happens to be my original self. That's really all there I to say on that subject. As for the whole 'where are you from' thing? Well, I guess... I guess I can say that I'm from a video game in an alternate universe. Yeah, that's kind of what it boils down to. I mean, I wasn't originally from the video game in all senses of the term. I mean, the impaled crow and the orange, floating clusterf--- are the parts of me created by the game. I guess the Dave half isn't. The Dave half used to be some stupid kid who lived with his brother on a planet called Earth. Funny name for a planet, huh? It's literally just called 'Dirt.' What a creative name, huh?"

"So... an alternate universe, huh?" Twilight asked, furiously scribbling notes on a sheet of parchment she had inexplicably obtained, attempting to keep up with Davesprite's quick, almost slurred speech. "And you say that you came from a planet called Earth? Well, I suppose it makes sense that there would be other versions of Earth out there in other versions of the universe," she noted, nodding her head.

Davesprite was a little surprised. She seemed very willing to accept the concept of alternate realities. Made his life easier, he supposed.

"But there is one thing you haven't told me yet. One important thing, anyway. About Dave and your, er, 'Dave half,'" Twilight added, glancing up from her notes. "What, you know... well, were you? Species-wise. Before you became, as you put so delicately, 'Dave's Sprite?'"

"Oh, right," he said, scratching the back of his head. "That could be considered an important detail, now couldn't it? I mean, I guess I could tell you, but I'm not even sure if you'd know what they are. Haven't exactly seen one since I've been here."

"Try me," she replied, a spark of curiosity alight in her amethyst eyes.

"Alright, chica," he said, smiling a small, reserved smile. "I used to be a human."

"A human?" she asked, her eyes widening in shock. "But... there aren't any humans. Not anymore, anyway. Davesprite," she continued, looking at him as if he were some sort of lost treasure. "Humans went extinct eons ago!"

That... was not exactly what Davesprite was expecting to hear. "Er... come again?" he asked, incredulously.

"They're extinct! They were wiped out in some unknown way before either of the Princesses were even born! We only know anything about them due to ancient writings discovered in various architectural digs!" she explained, seeming to geek out at the mere thought of science being performed. "And they... they...," she went on, her enthusiasm slipping away. "... were your people."

He was quiet for a moment, but soon chuckled. It was a mirthless chuckle, devoid of any and all emotion. "So," he said, turning his attention to a particularly interesting spot on the floor. "They all bit the dust here, too, eh? Guess 'saving our planet and our people' was always out of the question, wasn't it Rose?" he muttered darkly. "Makes sense. 'bout how my whole life has gone up until this point."

"Dave... sprite?" Twilight asked, concern written on her face as clear as the writing in her vast collection of books.

"Whatever," he said, casually returning to his usual unreadable expression and almost upbeat tone of voice. "I stopped mourning our 'great race' years ago. We were a bunch of absolute f-----' morons, anyway. 'sides, I didn't come back here with you to do any of my usual angsty, tragically written character nonsense. I came here to help you learn stuff, or something along those lines. That's what you do here, right? Learn? I mean, this is a library after all. I mean, sure it looks like you've got some friggin' mad scientist stuff goin' on down here, but at least the ground floor is a library."

"But--" Twilight began, holding out a hoof in protest.

"Shush," Davesprite interrupted, gently pushing her hoof aside with his own. "My problems are my problems. I'll work through them in my own time. You've barely known me three hours, I'm not gonna sit here and listen to you worry about my safety and well-being or anything like that. You got me?"

She stayed quiet for a moment, then nodded firmly. "I got you," she said.

"Good! Now, how about before we go gettin' into all the neat, science-y stuff, I 'research' some homemade Equestrian cooking? This roller coaster ride of emotion has really got me starving. I could really go for some bird seed right about now, to be perfectly honest with you."

"Bird seed?" Twilight asked, failing to hide her obvious amusement.

"Hey, don't be judging me based on what I eat. I'm at least one-third crow, remember? Geez, Twilight, I already have to deal with social justice bloggers, don't want to have to deal with S.J.W. ponies, now. And hey now, since you're a horse and all, don't you eat hay or something? How do you even go about stomaching that stuff? It's literally just dried grass!"

"No no no, you don't understand. Dried grass is definitely not the same thing. And eating hay isn't weird. Everyone here eats hay."

"And how exactly is that not weird?"

The two ponies, still engaged in their mock argument, ascended the stairs leading back to the main floor to get some grub. Twilight would have to see if she still had any of Owlowysious' bird seed lying around for her new friend and his odd tastes.

"... so she just flies right up to it, looks it straight in the eye, and starts telling it off about how no one is allowed to treat any of her friends badly. It was actually kind of amazing," Twilight concluded, patting her belly.

"Wow," replied Davesprite, munching absentmindedly on a nacho. "And you said Fluttershy did that? The little yellow pegasus that screeched like a schoolchild when she saw me for the first time? Hard to see her standing up to a massive freaking dragon, but she did seem to trust you and the others enough to ignore how scared she was of me. Y'all must be pretty important to her."

Twilight blushed and waved her hoof dismissively. "Oh, no, I'm sure she would have done it for anypony. She's almost too kindhearted for her own good, sometimes. I do wonder if she still receives letters from him, though? She hasn't talked about him in quite some time."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Letters from who? The dragon?" Davesprite asked, laughing. "She's pen pals with a giant fire breathing beast? God, are you sure she isn't secretly the bravest living being this side of the planet?"

"She jumped away from her own shadow once."

"Oh my god that's so hilariously cute I think I just threw up in my mouth," he said, guffawing ever so heartily at this little piece of information.

"She's also pen pals with the spirit of chaos and disharmony, Discord. He sent pretty much all of Equestria into utter madness once, and now they're BFF's. Well, he obviously cares about her. Not sure about the rest of us. Though, to be honest I'm not so keen on him, either," Twilight said, wiping the corners of her mouth with a napkin. "Spike!" she called. "Spike, are you still awake?"

There was no immediate response. Twilight sighed.

"I guess it's for the best. A baby dragon needs his sleep, after all. He did already make us all of this delicious food."

"True that," said Davesprite, toasting his apple juice. "I didn't think for a second that you guys would have nachos here. These are friggin' incredible. The little man's a natural cook. I gotta thank him tomorrow morning, or something like that."

"Oh, I'm sure he'll be out for the rest of the night.Maybe I'll even let him nap for an extra hour or two in return for his assistance. Speaking of which," she said, looking D.S. in the eyes. "Where are you going to be staying while you're here in Equestria?"

Davesprite clicked his tongue a few times as he considered the question. "Y'know, I'm not really sure. Heck, I don't even know how long I'm going to be here. Usually these portal things open back up after anywhere from a few hours to a few days and I just sort of 'pop' back into my 'original' dimension. It's honestly a bit of a shame," he said, sighing at his now empty nacho plate. "I like it here a lot more than I liked it back there."

"In the game?" she asked knowingly.

"Yeah," he replied, sighing wistfully. "There's less awful stuff and more colorful, pastelm kid-friendly nonsense here. I can't even swear here, it's so d--- nice. Like I literally cannot."

"Noticed that, did you?" Twilight asked, picking up the plates with her magic and walking them over to the kitchen sink.

"Nah, I totally didn't notice my speech skip out like a cracked C.D. That would be ridiculous."

"Heheh, well, sorry to burst your bubble, but I think it's because most of the words you're trying to use have been magically blocked out of the Equestrian vocabulary. Any word that is almost exclusively used to insult, demean, or offend other beings is usually magically eliminated from use. Celestia would rather our culture be a positive one than one which uses words as tools to hurt others."

"Huh," he stated, nodding. "That's actually not a bad system. Might force me to think even farther outside of my metaphorical box. Cube of thought's gonna have to all up and expand like some sort of ungodly black hole of creative cursing."

"Good luck with that," Twilight replied, rolling her eyes. "Anyway, since you don't have any place to stay while you're here, for however long that may be, why don't you stay here in the library with me and Spike?"

"No, it's cool," he said, walking over to see if he could assist Twilight with the dishes, only to find that they were already cleaner and more reflective than his sunglasses. "I don't want to intrude on your lives or anything. I can find some sort of homeless shelter to chill out in for the night. Or maybe I'll just crash on a cloud. You said Technicolor Mane the Sonic Horse lives in a cloud castle thing, didn't you?"

"Rainbow Dash lives in a cloud home of her own design, yes," Twilight said, polishing one of the dishes one last time. "But you can't just sleep on any old cloud. And the 'homeless shelter' isn't an option, either. Princess Celestia always makes sure that ponies are given the most essential resources needed for survival. Shelter, enough food to survive, and clean clothes are provided by the Princess' court," she said, smiling widely, her eyes closed as if she were in a dream. "Princess Celestia is always so kind to her subjects. I mean, I was just some simple unicorn filly when she took me in as her protege, and now I've got... these!" she exclaimed, opening her eyes and flapping her large, regal wings. "She's... she's incredible," the alicorn princess finished, almost breathlessly.

Davesprite decided to note all this for later. "So you think really highly of this Princess Celestia, huh? As I recall, she's 'The Princess' of the Tiny Horse Royal Family? Like, the main ruler of Equestria and whatnot?"

"Mm-hmm!" Twilight replied, now fully snapping out of her daze. "I'm glad you were listening! She's the pony who actually helped me find my friends and helped me see where I truly belong in life. She's always been my mentor, and a good... friend of mine! But, oh, of course she isn't exactly the 'one true ruler' or anything, at least, not anymore. Her sister, Princess Luna, rules alongside her. They sort of split the duties of a single queen between themselves, and they also raise the sun and moon in the morning and in the evening."

"They... raise the sun and moon?" Davesprite inquired. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Exactly what it sounds like. They use their magic to pull the sun and moon into proper orbit and alignment, so that they rise and set when they must. It's been said that they used to be able to do this on their own, but after so many centuries, their 'power' began to deteriorate, and so unicorns were tasked with helping them. However, the celestial bodies' power only faded further, so eventually the Princesses Luna and Celestia were chosen to ascend to alicorn-hood and use their power to retain the harmonial balance of night and day. There have been some hiccups down the line, of course, but those are stories for another time," Twilight finished, yawning as she did so. She turned to glance at the clock, and she blinked in confusion immediately afterwards.

"What's up?" Davesprite asked, noticing she had stopped. He was more than a little disappointed that story time had ended, but he decided that he'd either just read up on it some other time or he'd simply pry into Twilight's big, nerdy mind for more answers later.

"It's past midnight!" Twilight said, yawning again. "Goodness, I don't even know where the time went! I suppose I shouldn't keep you up any longer, so we should head off to bed."

"Alright," Davesprite agreed, yawning a little himself. "So where's the guest bedroom?"

"There is no guest bedroom," Twilight said, walking up the stairs sleepily. "Come with me."

"Uh... okay?" he said, following her up the staircase. He had some difficulty with this, as his center of gravity around his tail didn't actually make any sense whatsoever, so he sort of stumbled up most of the staircase like an idiot. Once he reached the top he went into the next room through the door that Twilight had just disappeared behind.

"Oh, Spike," he heard her say through a chuckle. "You aren't even covered up. You're going to catch a cold like this one of these days."

After a soft twinkle that usually followed Twilight's magic, she leaned over the railing and looked at Davesprite. "Well? Are you coming up here or not?" she asked, her eyelids heavy. "Your bed is the one on the other side of the room. I apologize in advance if I end up snoring, it happens from time to time," she added sheepishly, hiding a small portion of her face with a hoof.

He shook his head and chuckled. "Don't worry about it, I'll be fine. You should have heard my bro. He was one heck of an obnoxious snorer," he said, climbing up to the loft. He looked and saw Twilight already curling into a tiny ball and wrapping her bed sheets around herself. He also noticed a small, brown doll clamped tightly in her forelegs. He looked down at the foot of her bed and saw Spike snoozing away happily, a blue blanket wrapped around him as well. He smiled at the two and carefully laid down in his allocated bed, as not to disturb either of their rest.

"Good night, Dave," Twilight said quietly.

"Davesprite," he corrected.

"Not to me. I don't see any other Daves here... do you?" she replied, her speech growing more delayed and heavy with each word.

"... No," he responded, looking out towards the moon, hanging brightly in the beautiful night sky. "I guess I don't."

"So you're... just Dave to me. Not a fake, or a clone, or anything else dumb like that... just..." She yawned again. "Just Dave."

"Just Dave, huh?" he asked, still staring out towards the bright white sky orb. "... Okay. I'll be 'just Dave' for now, if you want. Good night, Twilight."

A small, quiet, almost happy little grunt was the only response he received.

And for the first time in as long as he could remember, he was perfectly content with that.

The Party at the Corner, or "The Introduction/Character Interaction Chapter"

Caw-Caw, Motherf-----s

Ch. 3 - The Party at the Corner

"Hot d---, A.J.! Apple farm or no apple farm, this is the greatest, well, er... A.J. I've ever had!" Davesprite said in an oddly out-of-character tone, clinking his glass with Applejack's. He had been talking to her nonstop since she had given him the glorious little drink, being such an addict of the stuff. Of course the conversation had begun with something along the lines of "how in the f--- did I even pick this up?", but it had soon evolved into an actual discussion sort of thing. They went through the motions, making sure to introduce themselves, and were currently in the middle of talking about their jobs and hobbies.

"Aw shucks, 'Sprite. 'm pleased to hear that ya like it so much. Us Apples do try to use the best of the best to make our apple juice, apple cider, and er, y'know, other assorted apple products, heheh."

"You Apples? Wait, wait, so what, does everyone... don't look at me like that, I'm not gonna start saying 'every pony,' have the word 'apple' in their name?" he asked, taking another swig from his glass. "Because that's almost too cliche to even make sense."

"Nah, not everypony," Applejack replied, rolling her eyes at the pegasus ghost guys's odd distaste for the use of such an everyday word. "Only about, say, forty, maybe fifty percent of 'em?"

"Incredible," he said, shaking his head slowly.

"So what about your family? Ya haven't really talked about 'em, well, at all yet. Wait, y'know what, don't tell me. They're all as sarcastic and loudmouthed as you are, right?" she joked, lightly punching him on the shoulder.

Davesprite's tiny smirk lapsed for a second as he thought about his family, but he decided not to go into the full story. Instead he went with: "Welp, I'm not really sure about my parents, since I didn't really know them too well, but I always did have my Bro. He's a pretty cool guy. Cooler than dumb ol' me, that's for sure. His sunglasses were even more ridiculous than mine. Yeah, yeah, you laugh like you don't believe me, I know that's hard to believe. His were literally triangular, though. There were two polygons stuck  like glue to the front of his face twenty-four/seven, it was amazing. I, uh, haven't seen him in a while though. Few years, maybe. He had to go off and fight for some 'greater cause' or something, so I haven't talked to him in a while."

"Hahah, he sure sounds like a swell guy," Applejack said, "and 'm sure that he'll be right happy to see you again, whenever th' time comes."

"Hah, yeah. I'll be happy to see him too," came the pegasus' ever-so-slightly hollow reply as he downed the rest of his juice. "Anyway, this has been a fun chat and all, and I actually do mean that, but I kind of want to go introduce myself to the others. That is what Pinks over there brought me here to do, after all."

"I understand," she said, tipping her hat. "It's been nice meetin' ya, Dave Sprite."

"You too."

The orange pegasus began to walk over to one of the other groups of ponies that had formed, this one made up of the white unicorn chick and the blue pegasus. "Yo!" he said, waving one hoof, not breaking a step.

"How in the hay do you even walk?" came the pegasus's blunt question.

"Eh, it's kind of like crawling. Which I suppose you guys don't know too much about since you're, y'know, always on all fours. I'm used to just floating while 'standing' upright, but I guess I have to hold up the front half of this body with my weird foreleg things. I do get what you mean, though, the fact that my tail still just kind of floats off the ground and replaces my legs, or, er, my 'hind' legs is weird."

"I understood about twenty percent of what you just said," the pegasus replied, her eyes half-lidded and unimpressed.

"And I feel like that's some sort of ancient reference," D.S. replied flatly, turning to the white unicorn. "So where's your half of the interrogation?"

"I wasn't interrogating you!"

"Oh, well, I didn't want to say anything that you might consider rude or offensive," the unicorn explained. "Unlike some ponies, I actually have some sort of understanding of the concept of 'manners', and I don't go around shooting unpleasant questions at anything that moves."

"Oh come on, Mother Theresa, you must have some sort of question or concern. I mean, given the looks you've been shooting my half-wing and my gut throughout this little chat alone, you're itching to get me all clean and gussied up to use me as some kind of model or something. And yes, I do know I'm just that attractive, but please, I'm not a model, the camera just turned on by itself."

"Ah... what?" the unicorn asked. "I'm dreadfully sorry, but I didn't really follow that last part. What about a camera?"

"Don't worry about it, I was breaking the rules and getting all meta again. It's one of my numerous character flaws, and I've considered working on it. So what's your name again?"

"Oh, well, alright? My name is Rarity, and I am the most fabulous pony you'll meet in this town. Or, well this shop, anyway," she stated, giving her hair a dramatic flip at the word "fabulous."

"Hey, what about me?" the pegasus asked, zipping over to her friend's side, squinting at D.S. "You didn't ask me for my name!"

"Huh, I wonder why I would ever do anything so incredibly stupid? Rarity, do you know how I could have possibly forgotten to ask The Winged Wondress over there for her name?" the orange pony/bird/ghost inquired, liquefied sarcasm practically dripping off his every word.

"Hah hah. Very funny," the pegasus shot back. "I've never heard sarcasm before."

"Sarcasm? What's sarcasm? It sounds like a horrible, horrible disease. Yo Rare', is this sarcasm thing contagious?"

"Oh! Uh, yes it is. Extremely," Rarity replied with a solemn nod, though the obvious little smile on her face made it sort of obvious that she was just enjoying the show. "You should... pfft... be wary...ffeheh... I hear it's, ahahem, an airborne virus."

"Wow, that sounds terrifying," Davesprite replied, now turning to the pegasus with a horrified look. "Are you saying you're infected with sarcasm? Oh boy. It's always the good that go young. I'll be sure to write you a beautiful rap eulogy, and I'll even throw in some sick beats to go along with it. The bass drop will bring tears to their eyes and pain to their ribs. It'll be awesome."

"Wow," the blue pony said, the expression on her face incredulous. "When you make a joke, you really stick with it, don't you? Anyway, since you're obviously not going to ask for my name, I'm just going to give it to you."

"Amazing. It's like all of my secret wishes are being fulfilled," D.S. replied smugly.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. The name's Dash. Rainbow Dash, to be precise!" she said, spreading her wings and striking a pose as if she were flexing her biceps.

"Wow. So you're blue, have a word in your name that relates to the concept of being fast, and you even introduced yourself in reverse. I don't even care if that's your name, I'm just gonna call you 'Sonic the Hedgehog' from now on, because you're essentially the same person."

"Wh--? I am not a hedgehog! Is this another one of those stupid, uh, mecha joke things you were talking about?" she asked in utter confusion, her wings and foreleg dropping to the ground like rocks.

"Not exactly. That was more of a straight-up allusion to a character-slash-concept that doesn't even exist here," D.S. said, feeling a little twang of joy seeing Rarity giggle like a schoolgirl out of the corner of his eye. He liked making other people laugh, but he hadn't made anyone laugh that hard in a long time. "But I was mostly just yanking your metaphorical chain."

"Ugh" Rainbow groaned, rubbing her temples with her hooves. "Pinkie was right, you really are better at not making any sense than she is."

"I'll take that as a compliment, if you don't mind."

"Take it however you want," she said, rolling her eyes. "Rarity, are you just going to keep standing there and laughing at me like I'm some lame contestant on 'Equestria's Got Talent', or are you going to like, talk or something?"

"Whoa, whoa," D.S. interrupted, erupting in his own fit of laughter. "'Equestria's Got Talent?' Oh my god, you have got to be kidding me. That's hilarious!"

"I don't get it," Dash said, casting a sideways glance to Rarity.

"Me neither, Rainbow," Rarity said, wiping a tear out of the corner of her eye and shrugging. "But he seems to be enjoying his little moment, so it's probably best not to ask."

A few moments later, Pinkie Pie bounced happily over to the table, closely followed by Applejack. "Sooo, how are you all getting along with Davey, huh?" the pink pony asked, grinning widely.

"I guess yer gettin' along pretty well, judgin' by how often somepony over here's been doubled over in laughter," Applejack chimed in, directing her gaze at a still-tittering Davesprite. "Speakin' of which, what's yer tail doin'?"

"My tail?" he asked, turning his head to look at the ghostly attachment. It appeared to be doing something akin to what a snake would do when coaxed by a snake charmer's music. "Uh. That's actually a pretty good question, t.b.h."

"Tee bee aytch?" Applejack asked, raising an eyebrow at Davesprite's casual use of Internet slang.

"Oh, uh, sorry. 'To be honest.' Basically I have no idea what this dumb thing is doing. It kind of has a mind of its own."

"That's strange," a new voice said, the one which D.S. recognized as belonging to the purple pega/corn princess pony. "You really have no control over it? Not even a little?"

"Well," he began, rolling his tongue over in his mouth as he tried to recall any case of absolute control over his tail in the three or more years it had been a part of his being. "I can usually move it a little, but I can't like, whip the whole thing like it's a third ar--er, uh, third le--er, fifth leg? Ugh, whatever, you get what I mean. I can't move the whole thing at once is what I'm saying. Never have been able to. But right now I'm pretty much at its mercy right at the point where the bandages end."

"How odd," the purple princess said, mostly to herself. "Hey, Fluttershy!" she called, turning to face the pale yellow pegasus who had evidently emerged from the safety of the shop's counter some time ago. "Can you come look at Dave Sprite's tail for a second?"

"Wh-what?!" the soft-spoken pony squeaked. "But I'm n-not a pony expert or anything! I-i-it's not like he's a bunny like Angel or a c-cat like Opalescence! H-how could I possibly know what to do?" she stammered, hiding behind her long, pink hair.

D.S. could immediately tell that this "Fluttershy" did not like meeting new peopl--er, ponies. Or meeting anything. Ever. Apparently, though, she liked animals. He could use this to coax her to check him out, even though he was about as convinced she would know what to do as she was.

"Well, if it helps, I'm not really a hundred percent pony, if that wasn't obvious enough. I'm also part crow. See all the extra feathers where, like, you and Sonic over there don't have any? Crow feathers. And, forgive me for staring, but those butterflies on your 'Talent Tattoo' or whatever it's called and what you just said make it sound like you're good with animals. I'm not sure if bird/hu--pony hybrids count, but maybe you could take a look, if only for a second?" he asked, attempting to be as gentle as physically possible. He wasn't exactly used to dealing with such introverted personalities.

She hesitated for a moment, then nodded. "Okay Twilight, Dave Sprite. I'll take a look at your t-tail."

"Thanks. Just watch out, I don't know if it's squirming around quick enough to hurt you, but let's just err on the side of caution. I mean, I figured you were gonna do that anyway, but... y'know what, I'm just gonna stop talking now. Do your thing, um... Fluttershy, was it?"

"Mm-hmm," she replied, nodding as she carefully approached the wriggling appendage. "I'll do my best to avoid making you uncomfortable."

"Wow, that was actually kind of weird," Rainbow said from off to the side. "I don't think I've heard him go this long without being snarky yet."

"Oh, do relax. You've known him for all of what, fifteen, twenty minutes tops, Rainbow Dash," Rarity said. "I'm sure he can go for at least a few minutes at a time without ruffling your feathers."

"I dunno, he seemed like he was having a lot of fun when he was doing that!" Pinkie added, still beaming like the afternoon sun.

"I'm gonna hafta agree on that one. Seemed like he was gettin' a real kick outta seein' Rainbow so bothered by his harmless little jokes."

"He called me a hedgehog! Supersonic the Hedgehog, or something like that? What's that all about?"

"He also said he was just yankin' yer chain, Dash."

"Dashie doesn't have any chains, Applejack! How could he have been yanking her chain if she doesn't even have a chain?"

"Pinkie, dear, I don't think she was referring to an actual chain. Dave Sprite did say, and I quote, 'yanking your metaphorical chain,' after all."

"Girls!" the purple one called, instantly silencing the other four. "Fluttershy is trying to concentrate!"

"Sorry, Twilight," they chanted in unison.

"Oh, Twilight, thank you, but it's quite alright," Fluttershy mumbled, concentrating on Davesprite's tail. "I don't think there's anything I can do here. All I can tell you is that it seems to have stopped. It's also very... odd-feeling."

"Try being on this end of it," D.S. said, still looking at his now-still tail. "The f--- was that all about, anyway? Are my Sprite Senses tingling or something?"

"Sprite Senses?! You have those?! Oh my gosh, I wonder if they work like my Pinkie Senses! Wait, no, they can't. Your tail was twitching, but mine wasn't. Well, at least we don't have to worry about any falling pianos!" Pinkie chirped excitedly.

"I thought we agreed not to talk about the piano thing, Pinkie," came the pony known as "Twilight's" exasperated reply. "But that is something to think about. Perhaps you do have some sort of unnatural ability that causes your tail to twitch when something specific happens?"

"It wasn't really twitching," D.S. said, swinging what he could of his tail to position it behind himself. "It was more, like... seizing? Yeah, that's it. Seizing."

"I didn't know tails could have seiz--" Pinkie began, before a set of orange hooves of two different hues were shoved unceremoniously into mouth, stopping her from talking.

"I'm just gonna assume this is a thing you have to do a lot?" D.S. asked.

"Yep," Applejack relied, nodding curtly. "Least twice a day, if not more."

"Hey, Dave Sprite?" Twilight asked, walking up beside him, looking him square in the shades. "I'm sorry for asking this of you so suddenly, but I'd really like to study your unique body structure back at my house. You could make for a very interesting report to The Princess!"

D.S. quirked an eyebrow. "'The Princess?' I thought you were 'The Princess.'"

"Oh, heavens no. I don't even actually rule over anything. Hopefully I won't have to even consider doing that for a long time. I don't think I could ever handle that much responsibility."

"C'est la vie, non?" Davesprite asked, laughing a little. "Responsibility's a b----."

"Oui, it really is," she replied. "So what do you say? You want to help me learn something new?"

The orange pegasus was floored for a moment. Not only had the pony replied in French, (which he guessed was probably an actual language here for some reason) but she also almost seemed to actually acknowledge his cursing. He was intrigued. "Y'know what? Sure, I'm game. I'm all up for making scientific leaps and whatnot. Hey, maybe you'll jump ahead a few hundred years technologically by studying my clusterf----- genome."

"We'll see."

"Wait, does that mean you two are leaving?" Pinkie asked, her ears drooping and pointing backwards.

"I'm afraid so, chica," the orange male replied. "Science waits for no pon--oh, s---, now you've all got me doing that. But this was actually kind of nice. I guess I can buy your story about you being the so-called 'premier party planner' around these parts. I'll be sure to make the next one."

Her huge smile returned and she laughed. "I'll be sure to get you your invitation!"

A few minutes later, after a host of goodbyes and a bit of completely unprovoked sobbing a la Pinkie Pie, Davesprite and Twilight began to head off in the direction of Twilight's home.