Gentlemen, BEHOLD!!!!!

by Ssendam the Masked

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Comedy, Random, Dark
Length: 3001

An insane man dressed as Doctor Weird appears in Equestria; shit happens in the past. Set in the LoHAV.

GENTLEMEN, BEHOLD! I have invented… THE TOASTER!!!!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!

A man cosplaying as Doctor Weird becomes utterly, utterly insane. Later, he is released.
And causes more chaos.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-23 22:37:14 UTC

Gentlemen, BEHOLD! I have escaped... MY PRISON!!!

"Alright, don't panic. Just another patrol route..." The mantra helped Flash Sentry calm down slightly, but not really. Ever since Discord had escaped, the Royal Guard had set a new patrol route through the gardens. Flash Sentry hated it; ever since Discord's escape, he'd never looked at the garden in the same way again. The thought that one of those statues might come to life at any moment and cause havoc when released brought fear to Flash. He shivered, and it wasn't from the cold winter. Then, he continued the patrol. Personal misgivings or not, he was still a member of the Royal Guard, and he had a duty to his country to continue the patrol.

"Alright, just pass Doctor Weird, and everything'll... be..." He halted, and stared at the podium.

Normally,this statue wasn't one that anybody was interested in. Partly because it was so weird. It was a statue of a tall, roundish, flabby creature not unlike a minotaur. Its paws were flat on the ground, with five small digits. It wore a long robe, with its nipples showing, which many to believe that it was female. Around its neck, it wore a strange necklace, with a pendant shaped like a W alongside a pendant with a unicorn's head and a pegasus' wings; an Alicorn Amulet. Curiously, it wore some sort of shoes on its forepaws, like a ponies'.Its head was a long, oblong dome, completely blank. The plaque read "DOCTOR WEIRD." Except, rather than the statue that he expected to see, it was instead replaced with chunks of rubble. He stared around.

"Gentlemen, BEHOLD!!! I have escaped... MY PRISON!!!!!!!!!" He whirled around.

The being known as Doctor Weird stood there in all of its strange glory. Now, he could see that its head was actually a clear glass dome, with a strangely flat face within. Its mane stuck up in two, white tufts, and the rest of its head was bald. It had no fur, except for the thin black hairs that dotted its legs. The Alicorn Amulet was coloured purple with a yellow gem, like his robe, while the golden W glimmered brightly in the evening light.

"Now, gentlemen, BEHOLD: CORN!" As he finally tore himself away from the sight and flew, he felt a stinging pain as a corn cob impaled his wing.More of them followed, and he was pinned to the wall in absolute agony, blood dripping from the wounds. Doctor Weird looked at him.

"I'll not scream again for you, monster." Doctor Weird didn't seem to notice as he looked around.

"Alright, now it is time... for your MEDICINE!" He pulled out a syringe from somewhere, filled it with a red liquid, and stabbed Flash Sentry with it. Flash screamed again as the liquid flowed through him.

"It'll take a while for your MEDICINE to take effect! Now, where are THEY?!" He stalked off.

Doctor Weird looked around.

"This isn't my laboratory! STEVE!" He shook a yellow gloved fist at the heavens, screaming his assistant's name. Thunder boomed around him.

Canterlot Castle.

Celestia was in her throne room when she heard it:

"STEVE!" This loud exclamation, in a voice that she'd not heard for two thousand years, was followed by a peal of thunder. Her eyes widened. She felt her sister teleport to her.

"Sister, we hath heard the escape of Doctor Weird." Celestia nodded frantically.

"I'll summon the Elements. You make sure that no pony was hurt by his escape."

"We understand sister." With that, she flew through the window, shattering it. Celestia would have reprimanded her, but times were urgent. She grabbed a piece of parchment with her magic, and frantically scrawled a letter down, then sent it with a flash. Then, she joined her sister in the Gardens.

I swear, Doctor Weird, your mad spree of destruction shall end here for good! She vowed to herself.

Ponyville library.

The newly coronated Princess Twilight Sparkle was relaxing with her friends when Spike came running in.

"Twilight! Celestia sent you a letter." Twilight nodded.

"Thank you, Spike. Now, let's see..." She opened it. Scrawled in there, entirely unlike Celestia's normal, elegant writing, were the words:

Princess Twilight,

NO time for formalities, get the Elements up to Canterlot NOW.

Twilight rolled it up.

"Right, girls, looks like we need to go to Canterlot pronto."

"Aw, shucks, Twi! We were just there fer yer coronation!" Twilight smiled.

"I know, Applejack, but this has to be urgent, otherwise the Princess wouldn't have sent for us." Applejack rolled her eyes.

"Well, alright. So, we takin' a train or..." Twilight's horn lit up, and with a white flash, they were gone.

Canterlot Castle.

They reappeared in the throne room. Twilight looked around.

"Where are the Princesses?" For answer, the wall exploded and Celestia came crashing through.

"Gentlemen... BEHOLD! I am beating up a god... WITH TACOS!!" Giant half circles that bore a strange, greasy smell flew through and hit Celestia, exploding violently. Twilight gasped at this. A strange bipedal figure walked in.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Fluttershy gasped at this.

"Y-you monster!" She directed the Stare onto him, but he stared back.

"Gentlemen, BEHOLD! CORN ASSAULT! They are convicted, but WHO CARES?!" They backed away as corn appeared on a plate. A couple of ears got upright and started giggling before violently lauching out, nearly hitting their wings. Fortunately, Rainbow Dash managed to get Fluttershy out of the way. They gasped as the corn tore through the opposite wall, leaving holes in solid marble.

"You DODGED?! Most impressive! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Twilight stared at this creature in shock, then noticed the Alicorn Amulet around its neck and immediately prepared for defence.

"Girls, be careful! Who knows how powerful this thing is!" It turned its oddly pink eyes to her.

"Who are you?! Are you... STEVE?!" He shook his fist at the heavens, and thunder crackled around him as he laughed again. Twilight knew that this being had fully given in to his insanity. Still, she had to try to reason with him.

"Um, who are you?" In response, he laughed.

"I am DOCTOR WEIRD! Inventor, genius, and TOTALLY BATSHIT!" Twilight didn't know how to respond to that.

"Um... okay!" She smiled awkwardly. "Say, would you mind taking off that necklace?"

"It's no use talking to him, Twilight." Luna limped in, wings broken and horn cracked.

"Princess Luna!"

"He's too insane to negotiate with. His mind was corrupted by the Amulet long ago." Doctor Weird looked at the Elements.

"THESE fools are going to stop me? Gentlemen, your standards are SLIPPING! Look at the PURPLE ONE!" He pointed a finger at her.

"SHE has the right hoof of a CHRONIC MASTURBATOR, the faint lipstick and make-up of somebody with a crush on their teacher, AND, the breathing pattern of an untreated HEART CONDITION!" Twilight looked at him in shock.

"I...what...how...wait, untreated heart condition?" He ignored her.

"The BLUE ONE takes steroids, the YELLOW one has a watersports fetish, the WHITE one has a daughter, the ORANGE one dyes her hair, and the PINK one has type 2 diabetes!" As one mare, the Elements gawked at him, and he smirked.

"NOW, I must take... MY LEAVE!" With that, a giant stallion, easily the size of a dragon crashed through the other wall, covered in orange fur, blue eyes blazing beneath a shaggy mane.

"F-Flash Sentry?" In response, he roared, and tried to squish Doctor Weird, who laughed before his hand suddenly went to his rectum.

"Gentlemen, BEHOLD! My ass... has finally decided to eat my hand!" His whole body bent back as every pony watched with a mixture of shock, disgust and horror. "It hungers... FOR MORE!" With that, he disappeared into his own butt, which promptly teleported.

Gentlemen, BEHOLD! I have found... MY LABORATORY!!!!!

Belle Island Asylum, South Jersey shore, Equestria.

With a strange sound, a white ball appeared, with a tuft of purple fabric sticking out. Then, with a squelching sound, Doctor Weird reappeared out of his own rectum.

"Gentlemen, BEHOLD! I have teleported... THROUGH MY BUTT!" He looked around; it seemed as if he were home. The Belle Island Asylum. He laughed maniacally.

"As you can see, this asylum was built over two thousand years ago, but is surprisingly modern. What is interesting about this building is this door here. Nopony yet has ever managed to open it, because there seems to be a vocal component to opening its secrets." The tour guide droned, leading his tour group through the building. Every colt and filly there was bored out of their little skulls. Then:

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Everypony jumped as a peal of maniacal laughter sounded through the thick stone walls. The tour guide looked around.

"Attention, mares and stallions, but it would appear as if this is no longer part of the tou-" He didn't finish his sentence, as a bipedal figure crashed through a window and jumped on him. Then, he pointed at the group, and his necklace glowed.

"WHAT are you people doing in my LABORATORY?!" He pointed at them while the tour guide tried to get out from underneath him.

"Gentlemen, BEHOLD!" He waved his hand, and a door opened with a beeping sound. Within, a giant, vaguely lapine robot appeared.

"THE RABBOT!" It jumped out, and every pony ran in fear as he laughed. Then, the tour guide spoke.

"What are you?"

"I AM DOCTOR WEIRD, AND THIS...IS MY LABORATORY! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He grinned.

"NOW, it is time... FOR SCIENCE!!" He gripped the pony and injected him with green fluid. As he watched the pony screaming in agony, he watched and simply stated:

"IT BEGINS!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Canterlot Castle.

Celestia looked up from her bed blearily. Every bone in her body felt as if it had been broken, and honestly, it might well have.

"Princess, are you alright?" She nodded.

"Yes. Doctor Weird didn't want to kill me; that would make too much sense." Twilight's worry and confusion was evident.

"Too... mundane?" Celestia nodded.

"He taught Discord a lot about chaos." Applejack snorted.

"Whoa there, hang on. You're telling' us that Discord was taught by this guy?" Luna nodded in the opposite bed. She'd fared better, but the doctors had still advised her to get into bed. Twilight had been taught the spells to move the sun and moon, just in case.

"Doctor Weird arrived two thousand years ago, and promptly met us. He was still mad, but he was controllable. Or so we thought." Celestia nodded.

"Like with Discord, we thought that we could contain him and his genius. And he is a genius." Rainbow Dash scoffed.

"That goofball's a genius? I'll believe that when I see it."

"Flash Sentry turning into a giant?" Rainbow Dash raised a hoof, thought, then lowered it.

"Doctor Weird also invented the Rainbow machine that is still used in Cloudsdale."

"That guy invented rainbow technology?!" Rainbow Dash was shocked by that.

"Yes. He just called it "THIS THING!" We didn't know about its exact workings, but we saw the potential of it in weather technology." Celestia interjected.

"Doctor Weird's genius isn't just in one field; not only in genetics, but also in robotics, chemistry, and deception. He is certainly not to be underestimated." Luna nodded.

"And neither is his draconic assistant, Steve."

Belle Island Asylum, South Jersey Shore, Equestria.

Doctor Weird examined the pod, and poked it open. A yellow dragon with long, orange ridges popped out. Interestingly, he wore a lab coat and held a test tube in his hand.

"STEVE!" The dragon awoke and looked at his boss.

"Oh, hey Doctor Weird. You're free now?"

"YES! Now, Steve, BEHOLD: I have spliced the double helix of a deer, WITH A TOUR GUIDE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Steve watched as the tour guide came out. Instead of just one unicorn horn, he'd grown two, and seemed to have developed udders.

"NOW, DEER UNICORN, SPREAD HAVO- WAIT!" The pony was running from him, heading for the door.

"The deer unicorn has escaped!" Doctor Weird shook a fist in the sky. "YES! WHAT HAS SCIENCE DONE?!" Thunder boomed around them.

Canterlot.

Shining Armour looked at Flash Sentry.

"So, you want some medical leave?" Flash Sentry nodded.

"Yes. After he impaled me with corn, I've felt a bit out of sorts. I think that I need to- urk!" He fell down and started convulsing. Shining Armour looked out.

"NURSE! GET A NURSE IN HERE!" Flash Sentry's eyes rolled back, and his stomach burst open, revealing...

An ear of corn. Shining Armour looked confused, before it giggled and tried to attack him. He gripped it in his telekinesis.

"Oh no you don't." The corn giggled before exploding. The nurse got in and gaped at the blood coming off Flash Sentry.

"Quick, get him immediate treatment." She hastily complied, stabilising the bleeding and levitating some bandages to quickly bind him up.

Once he was safe, Shining Armour looked at him.

"Medical Leave, eh? You need it." With that, he left for the Princess. The Guard needed to know how dangerous this guy was, in case

"Princess Celestia, I need to know; how dangerous is this Doctor Weird?" Celestia nodded tiredly.

"He's a genius, both magically and intellectually. His physical skills aren't very good, but he makes up for it in dangerous magic granted to him by the Weird Amulet."

"Weird Amulet?" She nodded.

"It seems to be a magical artefact that he made himself. It seems to grant him his bizarre powers. He shoots tacos out of his mouth, and can summon corn that reproduces violently within the victim."

"I know that much; Flash Sentry's on life support right now." Celestia looked shocked.

"Good thing he was here; had he been outside the infirmary, he might have died." Shining Armour nodded.

"So the Discord Protocol then?"

"Yes, the Discord Protocol." Shining Armour nodded; expect anything from Doctor Weird.

Belle Island Asylum, South Jersey Shore, Equestria.

"STEVE! Pick up that stick, and AGITATE THE HELL OUTTA THESE SCORPIONS!" Steve looked at Doctor Weird, his helmet filled with scorpions.

"Aw, hell no."

Genelemen, BEHOLD! I have told my BACKSTORY!!!!!!!!!

2,000 years ago.

"Oh God, this is awesome." I nodded. I had decided, somehow, to cosplay as Doctor Weird, for reasons that I do not know of. And, indeed, I certainly looked the part. For starters, I had shaved my head, and put two white cardboard hair spikes in place of my regular mop of black hair. For a Hairarium, I had decided to use a clear plastic dome that I'd made myself, with a metal bottom. There was a small gap so that I wouldn't suffocate to death in my Hair-Helmet. For a purple and yellow robe, with a W collar, I'd had that custom-made for me. Finally, I'd made an Alicorn Amulet out of cardboard. Why one of those? Well, I wanted to demonstrate my affinity for the fandom. Crazy, I know, but I couldn't find a suitable necklace that suited Doctor Weird. I twirled around in the mirror, reiterating my previous statement.

Thus attired, I stepped out into my car, and drove off for the convention in Arizona. Along the way, I turned up the AC, and I pumped up the music. Thus I drove to Arizona like a freakin' boss. My leopard skin underpants were tight around my privates, and I scratched them gloriously, enjoying the freedom of the mumu.

Arriving in the carpark, I swaggered into the line, confident in my mad scientist practically naked attire. Sure enough, many other con-goers regarded me with a mixture of shock, horror and plain what the hell man, you're dressed as Doctor Weird. I grinned, my crinkled eyes hidden behind a yellow cardboard mask and my pink contact lenses. I glared at the dozen or so Inuyasha clones that were there. Have some originality guys, I'm Doctor Weird and I'm not a fan of your furfaggotry ridden animu.

When I finally entered the convention hall, I was sure that my back would have been sunburnt but for the sunscreen that I had covered my entire body with pre-emptively. Now, I walked through the hall, daring somebody to go up close to me and jostle the crazy man. Nobody did. You see, there is a secret to going to cons. There are some people who aren't jostled, but who jostle instead. The jostlers, if you would. I was a jostler now; simply due to the fact that nobody knew how a guy who was obviously mad would react to being pushed around. They thought that it wouldn't end well. I should know; I have watched conventions before, treating them as a social experiment of nerdy.

While I was at the convention, I noted that there was one stall where a lot of people went. I hustled over, curious about what the appeal was in this simple stall. There was nothing really special about it; just another stall, profiting off of our need to have shiny things. However, when I spotted something cool I knew that there was no unjustified appeal.

It was a golden W, on a long, gold chain. My eyes widened, and I hustled over to the short, scruffy fat man running the stall, a smoking dog end in his mouth. "Excuse me, but how much for the W chain?" He looked me over.

"For you, 200." I was a bit annoyed by the high price, but I forked out 4 fifties. There was something about that simple golden W that I found simply enchanting. I picked it up, and slung it over my neck.

With a golden and purple flash, the world changed.

When I came to again, I was in a field. "What the..." Then, my mind blossomed with fire. I screamed in pain as something affected my mind. I felt my knowledge grow, grow, grow, and I learned about physics, chemistry, biology... my mind flooded with knowledge. When it was done, I stared at the golden W. Then, I chuckled. It soon escalated into a full blown laugh.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"