Here's to You, Pinkamena Pie!

by butterscotchsundae

Rating: mature
Tags: Romance, Spike, Comedy, Gummy, Pinkie Pie, Sex, Owlowiscious, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 8370

Spike is depressed that he knows nothing about sex, so Pinkie Pie teaches him everything she knows.

Spike is depressed after he's teased by Snips and Snails for not knowing anything about sex - but luckily, his Auntie Pinkie Pie is at hand to teach him everything he needs to know! But will Twilight Sparkle's nosiness put an end to the happy situation even before it begins?

Illustration by the awesome Siansaar/Carnifex.

Published 2012-03-24 01:44:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-03-24 01:44:01 UTC

Here's To You, Pinkamena Pie!

WARNING: The following story involves sexual and emotional interactions between a couple of cartoon characters, one of whom may be under the age of consent. Please DO NOT continue reading if this is likely to offend you, or if material of this kind is illegal in your state or prefecture. Thanks!

♥Butterscotch♥

Here’s To You, Miss Pinkamena Pie! starring Spike the dragon and Miss Pinkamena (Pinkie) Diane Pie

And here’s to you, Pinkamena Pie,
Celestia loves you more than you will know

(wo wo wo)
Oh bless you please, Pinkamena Pie,
Heaven waits for ponies who par-tay

(hey hey hey... hey hey hey)

Hide it in a hiding place where no one ever goes.
Put it in your pantry with your cupcakes.
It’s a little secret, just Spike’s and your affair.
Most of all, you’ve got to hide it from Twilight.

And here’s to you...

* * *

“What’s the matter, Spikey?” asked Pinkie, her round pink face a mask of concern as she watched the baby dragon storm into Sugarcube Corner, his shoulders sagging and his gaze stuck to the floor.

“Nothing...” he muttered as he hopped up onto the stool at the counter. And then he sighed.

“Aw, cheer up, Mr frownie face!” she said Pinkie, turning her most beaming smile on him. “Here – have an expired muffin. It’s as hard as a rock – I’m sure it’ll put a smile back on that sweet scaly face of yours!” She brought a stale muffin from beneath the counter and pushed it across to him with her muzzle, and he looked up at her at last and sighed again.

“Thanks Pinkie Pie.” He swiped the muffin off the countertop and looked at it for a moment before taking a small half-hearted bite out of it. “But I don’t think expired baked goods are going to get me out of this funk!” And then he sighed a third time.

“Another rough day working for old man Sparkle?” asked Pinkie, her big blue eyes kind.

Spike shook his head. “It’s a bit personal Pinkie. Aww, you wouldn’t want to hear about it.”

Pinkie shook her head. “Oh come on Spike! Listening is one my favourite things to do! Whether it’s DJ-P0N3, the sound of the oven’s bell telling me the muffins are ready, or my friends’ problems, I’m all ears!” She wagged a little pink ear by way of illustration, and Spike broke a smile – but it soon evaporated. “So why not tell your Auntie Pinkie Pie what the problem is?”

Spike looked around the bakery to make sure nopony else was present, and then he leaned across the counter. “I just overheard Fluttershy and Rarity talking about boys,” he explained. “And they were saying how they both ADORE tall, experienced stallions! But look at me!” He threw his claws down at his portly little body. “I’m so puny – I’m short, I’m still a baby and I don’t know anything about girls.” He slumped onto the counter in defeat.

“Oh, what’s to know about girls, Spike? I’M a girl!” Pinkie chuckled. “I can tell you anything you want to know!”

Spike’s eyes went wide. “Really, Pinkie Pie? Anything?”

Pinkie nodded. “Anything – well, except for anything to do with math.” She cocked her head. “You should really ask Twilight Sparkle if you’ve got a math question.”

Spike stared at her. “It’s not a math question, Pinkie Pie. It’s about girls...” He suddenly blushed red under his purple scales. “Well, about girls and boys actually.”

“Oh, don’t be embarrassed,” the little pink pony chirped. “Just ask Auntie Pinkie whatever you want to know!”

Spike moved his face closer, his voice a whisper. “It’s just that Fluttershy and Rarity were talking about S. E. X.”

“S. E. X?” Pinkie furrowed her brow, but then her eyes flashed open in realisation. “Oh, SEX!” she cried.

“Pinkie!” Spike leapt up, mortified, but as he looked about the bakery he realised that nopony had come in while they’d been talking and he relaxed, sitting back on the stool. “Yeah, sex – it’s just that I... I don’t know what it feels like, and Snips and Snails have been teasing me about it.”

Pinkie snorted. “Those two? Oh, they wouldn’t know anything about it.”

“But they said that the Great and Powerful Trixie took them into her wagon and...”

Pinkie shook her head. “Listen, Spikey. Lots of boys act like they’re big super-expert Mr know-it-alls, but the truth is you can’t trust a single word they...”

“But I can trust you, right?” said Spike eagerly.

Pinkie nodded. “Of course you can!” She scratched her head with a fore-hoof. How was she going to explain things to Spike so that he could understand it? Suddenly a light-bulb flashed above her head. “Well, it kinda feels like you’re a balloon...” she began.

“A balloon?” Spike raised an eyebrow in disbelief.

“Well, yes – a balloon!” explained Pinkie. “One that’s being blown up by somepony. You start to feel all tingly, and this pressure builds up in you until BANG! You explode!”

At this point in her description Pinkie leaped into the air, all four legs splayed out, and zipped all over the bakery, bouncing off the walls like she was made of rubber. Spike fell back off his stool in surprise as she flew flying past him and landed back behind the counter with a puff of flour that coated everything in sight.

“Explode?” asked Spike, dusting himself off. “Is that possible? Can you actually...”

“Oh Spike,” Pinkie chuckled. “You KNOW I’m talking figuratively, you silly billy! You just FEEL like you’re exploding! And then pppbbbbttt....” Pinkie slumped onto the counter, a dopey expression on her face. “You deflate like all the air has gone out of you – but you still feel super good for AGES afterwards!”

“That sounds really... strange, Pinkie.” Spike muttered. “I... I dunno whether I EVER want to try it.” Then he slumped face-forward onto the counter. “Oh, who am I kidding! Who would ever want to do something like THAT with a little purple shrimp like me when there are so many handsome stallions around.”

Pinkie looked at the tears starting in the little dragon’s eyes, and her heart broke. She knew how it felt to be the one nopony wanted! There must be some way she could make him feel better....

Suddenly another light bulb flashed above her head. She had the most perfectest idea ever!

Pinkie looked about the bakery. It was that dead point in the morning just after morning tea and with lunch still a while away and the place was still deserted. “Er, Spikey? Maybe Auntie Pinkie can help you out. But you have to promise never to tell anypony, OK?”

“Promise?” repeated Spike, looking at the little pink pony in confusion.

Pinkie nodded rapidly. “Cross you heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in your eye!”

“I... I don’t actually have to stick a cupcake in my eye, do I?” Spike frowned. “I can just make a regular promise right?”

Pinkie shrugged. “It’s not as fun, but whatever you like, Spikey!” Her face was suddenly serious. “But you have to really, REALLY promise!”

Spike sighed. “I guess you’d be ashamed if anypony found out you’d done it with me...”

Pinkie put a foreleg on the little dragon’s head and stroked his spines. “Oh Spike, it’s nothing like that at all! It’s just that...” Pinkie looked up at the ceiling. “Well, ponies might get the wrong idea and think that I’m a...” Her voice dropped to a furtive whisper. “...a foal fiddler!”

“A foal fiddler?”

Pinkie nodded. “You know, one of those sick, twisted individuals who force themselves on little foals?”

“Oh, like Dash and Scootaloo you mean?” said Spike.

Pinkie’s eyes darted left and right. “Uh, well... that’s kind of a grey area.” She looked back at him. “So do you promise?”

Spike nodded. “I promise – stick a flying cross in my eye, whatever.”

Pinkie came out from behind the counter and went to the front door to turn the sign around so that it read “CLOSED” from the outside, and then she trotted back over to Spike. The little dragon watched her closely, a nervous smile on his face.

“So, uh....” Spike waved a claw around the room. “So are we going to do it... right here?”

Pinkie laughed. The little guy was so adorable! “Well, we COULD do it right here and it would be just as super fun...” She blushed. It might even be a bit MORE fun, since there was always the chance that somepony could ignore the closed sign and barge straight in on them! “...but I’m afraid that I haven’t swept the floor in a few weeks... sorry Mr and Mrs Cake!... and we’d probably get totally covered in dust and flour and confectioner’s sugar and...” Actually, that sounded kinda fun as well! She shook her head, and then she turned around and with a tilt of her head indicated that Spike should hop on her back.

Spike had never ridden Pinkie Pie – in fact, he’d never ridden anypony other than Twilight before, and so he stared at her and blinked. “Is it... really OK, Pinkie?”

“Of course it is, Spike!” laughed Pinkie. “I mean, what’s a pony ride between friends!” Then she blushed again. Her imagination was starting to get the better of her!

Spike climbed off the stool and onto Pinkie’s back. It felt completely different from sitting on Twilight – Pinkie was extra soft and squishy, and clinging onto her mane as she started to trot towards the stairs he was amazed at how comfortable he felt riding her. He leaned forward and asked “Where are we going?”

“It’s... kinda traditional to do this sort of thing on a bed, and I’ve got a super comfy one upstairs that we can use!”

“Ohhhh!” Spike clicked his claws. “So THAT’S what Snips meant when he was talking about ‘sleeping with fillies’!”

Pinkie snorted. “Oh, Snips wouldn’t know anything about THAT!”

As Pinkie climbed up the stairs with Spike on her back, he leaned forward and took a sniff of her mane. Twilight always smelled likes books and soap and ozone from her magic – but Pinkie smelled completely different. She smelled sweet and salty, like crème caramel and butter!

Pinkie caught him smelling her and she looked back at him. “Can your little scaly nose-wosey tell what I’ve been baking today?” she asked with a wink.

Spike, caught in the act, blushed deep red. “Uhhh.... crème caramel?”

“Bingo!” Pinkie cried cheerfully, and Spike had to hold on for dear life as she bounced up and down. “I was making crème caramel flavoured muffins!!” She chuckled. “Oh, I just know you’ll be as good at this little game we’re going to play as you are at guessing!”

Soon she was shouldering open the door to her room and after trotting over to the bed she knelt down so that Spike could get off. Gummy was lying on the bedspread, fast asleep, and he squeaked in annoyance when Pinkie grabbed his little tail in her mouth and carried him in the bathroom.

“Sorry, Gummy!” she muttered around his scaly green tail. “Mommy loves you very much, but she doesn’t want you to be embarrassed by seeing her playing a special game with Spikey!”

Spike was standing near the bed, twiddling his thumbs and looking about nervously. But soon Pinkie came back, and she stepped up to him and brought her neck around his shoulders in a pony-hug.

“Oh Spikey,” she said, nuzzling his scales. “There’s no reason to be nervous! I promise I’ll be super-gentle with you, seeing as how it’s your first time.”

Spike swallowed and nodded, but he cried out in alarm when she swept him off his feet onto the bed and jumped up next to him. As he turned onto his side to face her, she scooshed over closer to him and brought her face near to his. He could smell her breath hot against his face – it smelled of chocolate.

He chuckled nervously. “Hehehe... hey Pinkie, do you know your breath smells like choc-ch....”

But Pinkie interrupted him. “Have you ever kissed anypony before, Spike?” she asked.

Spike looked sad, and turned away, staring up at the ceiling. “Well, I kinda kissed Applebloom once, but she said I wasn’t any good at it.”

Pinkie frowned. Little fillies could be so cruel! “Oh, don’t mind her!” she said with a snort. “Kissing’s a lot more difficult than it looks. Did you know that there’s a super-special muscle in your mouth that you ONLY use when kissing?”

Spike shook his head.

Pinkie chuckled. “Well, I guess that’s something Twilight wouldn’t have read about in one of those dusty ol’ books of hers!” She leaned over the little dragon, placing a foreleg on either side of him and bringing her face close to his. “Let Pinkie show you how to do it.”

Spike yelped and scrambled back in alarm, but Pinkie just leaned further up and planted her lips firmly on his. He struggled for a moment, but then he went still – and Pinkie smiled against his face, taking his bottom lip between her own larger ones and softly mouthing it.

She heard Spike breathe in, and then he started to relax as she let his lip drop from between her own and brought her mouth up against his again. His kiss tasted just like a colt’s did, but with a curious sharp mineral aftertaste.

Of course! she realised. Dragons eat gems after all... so THIS is what they taste like! I wonder if that’s turquoise or diamond or ruby or amethyst I can taste? I wonder if I could bake an amethyst-flavoured muffin? Ooh! Ooh! With ruby sprinkles! But I guess only dragons would want to eat it... oh well!

After a few moments, Pinkie broke the kiss. The little purple dragon lay there, gasping, his face red.

“How did that feel?” asked Pinkie, worried whether she’d done a good job. Kissing a dragon was different from kissing a pony after all, and this was the first dragon she’d ever kissed.

“That...” He was still catching his breath. “That felt awesome, Pinkie!” He turned over and smiled at her shyly. “That felt completely different from kissing Applebloom...”

Pinkie laughed. “Oh, of course it did Spikey! I’m a mare – I know a lot more about kissing than some silly little filly!” Emboldened by the look of pleasure on his face and by a growing excitement that was making her chest tight, she started to nuzzle Spike around his neck, kissing his scales with soft butterfly kisses, and then her nuzzling kisses went lower, and she started to kiss his little tummy and sides, and Spike rolled about, trying to push her muzzle away.

“Hey! Hey! That... tickles Pinkie!” Spike chortled.

Pinkie looked up at him, sudden heat in her wide blue eyes. “♫ I know something that DOESN’T tickle!! ♪”

Spike’s green eyes flashed open as Pinkie started to kiss him lower, and then lower still until she was kissing him – down there! And soon she wasn’t just kissing, but licking as well, and Spike felt as if Pinkie was eating him up like a cupcake as she enveloped that special part of him in the hot wetness of her mouth.

“Uhhhhhhh.....” he moaned. He closed his eyes – but it just made the wonderful feelings grow stronger so he opened them again and stared up at the ceiling as Pinkie kept doing what she was doing. So this was what it was like? He had no idea it would feel this good!

Pinkie looked up at the little dragon’s face but she didn’t stop what she was doing. Spike’s mouth and eyes were wide open in shock, sweat had started to pour down his scaly forehead and his eyes were rolling about just like Gummy’s did! She wanted to laugh, but then she realised that maybe a dragon was a lot more sensitive than a pony. Maybe she was being too rough with him!

Pinkie immediately slipped her mouth off him and asked in concern: “Spikey, are you OK? Am I hurting you?”

“Please Pinkie...” whispered Spike.

“Yes, Spikey?” Pinkie asked.

“Please don’t stop!”

Pinkie grinned, and went back to what she’d been doing. But after a while she had to stop again, and taking her mouth away she gasped.

“Woooo! You’re not such a little dragon AFTER all, Spike!” she laughed.

“Is that...bad?” asked Spike. He had a dazed look on his face.

Pinkie shook her head. “It doesn’t really matter whether you’re a... well, a Big Mac or a ...” She thought for a few seconds. “...well, a Snails! The main thing is whether you’re a sensitive lover or not...” She licked him teasingly. “But you’re more a Big Mac than a Snails, Spikey!”

Spike looked down at her, his face flushing red in excitement and embarrassment. “I’d... I’d like to make you feel good too, Pinkie!” he said.

Pinkie beamed up at him. “Well, aren’t you just the little gentleman, Spike! You’re all excited and raring to go, but you’re worried about how Pinkie is feeling!” She ran a fore-hoof up along his stomach and onto his chest. “I wish a lot more stallions were as courteous as you. But I’m already feeling good – whenever I make YOU feel good, it makes me all tingly inside as well you know!” She shook her head. Boys could never work that one out!

“But I kinda want to... you know, do what you were doing to me...” he muttered shyly.

Pinkie giggled. “I’d be super happy for you to do that for me, Spikey!” She clambered up the bed and lay next to him, running a hoof along his head-spikes and pecking him on the mouth. Then she lay on her back, and Spike slipped down the bed until his face was on the same level as her haunches.

The little purple dragon knelt over her on his elbows. He brought a trembling claw to the little pink pony’s round stomach and began to stroke it, and Pinkie giggled and gasped.

“That feels sooo nice, Spikey!” she told him. Who’d have guessed that his little claws would be so soft!

“Uh... but what should I do Pinkie?” asked Spike. He looked down at the place beneath Pinkie’s tummy – everything looked so... well, so complicated!

Pinkie brought a hoof down and stroked his cheek. “Just do whatever pops into your adorable little scaly head, Spikey! But... just be a little careful with those sharp little claws of yours, OK?”

“OK...” said Spike, still unsure of himself. He ran his claw down from Pinkie’s stomach and brought it to where she looked all flushed and sticky. He pressed him palm against her gently, and the little pink pony gasped.

“Erk!” cried Spike, pulling his claw away. “Sorry Pinkie! Did I hurt you?”

Pinkie shook her head. Her face was flushed red now as well. “Oh no, Spike! It just felt... really nice all of a sudden.” Pinkie looked away, her face going even redder. “But... uh, I love it when somepony... kisses me down there as well. Lips and tongue feel super-awesomely-terrific! Remember how Pinkie’s mouth felt on you?”

Spike swallowed and nodded. It HAD felt pretty awesome! He brought his face closer to Pinkie’s body, and he was enveloped in a rich scent that made his heart almost leap out of his chest. He felt himself getting excited again, and so he brought his lips onto Pinkie’s skin and started to kiss and lick her. The rest of her body was soft, but the place now against his lips was even softer still!

Pinkie moaned and tossed her head from side to side and soon she started to pant in ecstasy.

“Spikey, uh... uhh.... you know, it feels super-awesomely -terrific if you lick that bumpy spot... just at the top?”

“Here?” Spike’s tongue licked at it experimentally and Pinkie gasped and bit her lip.

“Yes! Just right there! That EXACT spot!” she said.

“Why does it feel so nice, Pinkie?” asked Spike. He was enjoying himself now. With claws on either side of Pinkie’s haunches, he could look up at her while he was licking and see her tossing her cotton-candy hair about in pleasure, her face abandoned in ecstasy, and it made him feel ten feet tall.

“Oh! That’s the secret... oh! party button!” explained Pinkie. “Every filly has one, and it’s the most SUPER-sensitive spot EVER!”

“Sensitive huh?” Spike redoubled his efforts, but the little dragon became too enthusiastic, and Pinkie gently pushed his face away.

“Did... did I do something wrong?” he asked, hurt.

Pinkie panted. “No.... no, Spikey! It’s just that... that a filly’s party button can be a little TOO sensitive sometimes!” She brought her fore-legs down and lifted Spike up next to her and kissed him. Her scent was thick on his lips and it excited her.

Spike kissed her back. The little guy was a fast learner!

Pinkie looked down. “I think you’re all ready for the next stage, Spikey! Now, how should we do this..? Pinkie’s a bit bigger than you, so maybe the easiest way is for her to be on top!” She swung herself over Spike, and straddled the lower half of his body.

“Comfy?” asked Pinkie, looking down at the little dragon’s face. His eyes were wide and he was flushed with excitement.

“Uh, I think so!” he replied.

“Okie dokie lokie then! Here we go!” Pinkie slowly lowered her haunches onto him, and she gasped as she felt him go inside her. It had been a while since she’d felt that, and the memory of the last time she’d done it came back to her in a flash. Had it really been so long ago?

Spike had gasped as well, and as Pinkie lifted herself up and brought herself down upon him again, he moaned. He gazed up at Pinkie, and he was amazed to see her face grown even more flushed, her eyes roll back and her lips part with a sigh each time their hips came together, and he felt his own excitement increase when he realised it was him that was making Pinkie Pie feel so good!

Soon Spike learned that if he lifted his pelvis in time with Pinkie, the already amazing waves of pleasure increased, and soon he had his claws at her hips and was guiding her down onto him, deeper and deeper until the two of them seemed glued together. Pinkie was tossing her pink curly mane from side to side now, her face raised towards the ceiling, a thin string of saliva trickling from the corner of her mouth, her throat and chest covered in beads of sweat that made her flushed coat glisten.

“Pink...Pinkie!” Spike said, struggling to think through the exquisite sensations coursing though his body. “I... I think I’m gonna explode like you said!”

Pinkie looked down at the little dragon. His face was red and sweaty, and he grimaced in ecstasy each time she brought her hips down against him. Pinkie’s coat began to tingle, and she felt the pleasure of him being inside her sublimated to a new emotion; she was his first time! He’d never forget this moment, the way he felt inside her, the look on her face as they came together. She leaned down and kissed him, hard, her tongue burrowing into his mouth, and he panted against her as they rocked her hips faster and faster against each other.

“Explode for me Spikey,” Pinkie gasped against his panting mouth. “Explode for Pinkie! Fill me up with your red-hot frosting!”

And then Spike exploded with a yelp, and Pinkie exploded moments afterwards, but she didn’t go flying into the air or bounce around the room like she’d described earlier. She just fell slack on top him, her chest crushing his face, her hips still glued against his and her haunches squeezing his legs together and forcing him still deeper inside her so that a single drop of the blistering heat that was pouring into her wouldn’t be wasted.

Soon Pinkie regretfully climbed off Spike, and as they lay side by side Pinkie leaned over the still-panting and semi-comatose Spike and peppered his sweaty little face with kisses.

“That felt sooooo fabulously awesome, Spikey!” Pinkie gasped. “Are you really sure you’ve never done this before?”

Spike beamed sleepily up at her as she continued to kiss him and he shook his head. But then he grimaced a little, and brought a claw down to his lower stomach and he tried to wipe away the cold stickiness that he’d felt there. “Is it always this messy, Pinkie Pie?” he asked.

Pinkie smiled and nodded. “Usually!” Then she blushed. “But I never knew dragons were so full of frosting!”

Spike chortled and turned to face her. “And I never knew ponies had cream centres!”

Pinkie laughed hugely, and then she leaned forward to kiss him on the forehead, but Spike intercepted her, bringing his mouth against hers and he kissed her, hard, until she was gasping again. Then he lay back, his claws behind his head, and he sighed in contentment. “So that’s what it’s like!” He turned back to Pinkie. “Is everypony as good at it as you are, Pinkie Pie?”

Pinkie shook her head. “Nuh uh! It’s another of my mysterious Pinkie powers! Wooooo!” She wiggled her fore-hoofs in front of his face, and he grabbed them in his claws, laughing.

“Oh Pinkie! That was absolutely awesome!” But then the smile slid from his face. “But I want to do it again!”

Pinkie suddenly frowned. “I don’t think that would be a good idea, Spikey,” she said. “I mean, just this once was risky enough! You know the trouble we’d get into if somepony found out...”

Spike sighed. “Aww jeeze,” he muttered. “I guess this’ll have to last me until I find a nice girl dragon...” He looked at Pinkie earnestly. “Do... do you know any girl dragons, Pinkie?”

Pinkie felt suddenly sad. “I’m sorry Spikey. I don’t know any dragons apart from you!”

Spike looked up at the ceiling again. “I understand.”

Pinkie rolled off the bed and standing up she took Spike’s claw in a hoof. “But it’s not quite over yet. We still have to get cleaned up and that can be even more slippery-slidey fun than doing it!” She led him over to the bathroom, but as soon as she opened the door Gummy jumped out and started running pell-mell around the bedroom, squeaking and leaping up at Spike.

“Hey, Gummy! Leave it out!” he cried in alarm, batting the irate alligator away with his claws. “What did I do to you?”

Pinkie laughed. “Oh Gummy! No need to be a jealous mister jealous alligator! Spike didn’t do anything bad to mommy. He and her were just playing a little game!” She grabbed his tail and pulled him off the purple dragon, who wiped his forehead in relief. But the word “game” had broken a little part of Spike’s heart, and he wasn’t able to enjoy the slidey-splashy bubble bath with Pinkie as much as he would have liked to. And Pinkie’s mind was far away too – but he didn’t ask what she was thinking about. He knew that she’d risked getting herself in a lot of trouble to make him feel better, and he really did appreciate it. So after he kissed Pinkie on the cheek goodbye and walked back to the Library from Sugarcube Corner, he kept playing the events of the morning over and over in his head so that he’d never, ever forget them.

* * *

Pinkie didn’t see Spike for several days afterwards. Then one morning she was in the middle of kneading pastry when she heard the little bell at the front door tinkle. “Just a minute!” she chimed. She quickly and messily licked the dough from her hands and trotted out of the kitchen to the front of the shop.

When she got to the counter she saw the little purple dragon standing there, nervously clutching what appeared to be a shopping list in his claw.

“Spikey!” she cried, hopping up and down in delight . “I haven’t seen you for aaaaaages!”

Spike didn’t meet her cheerful gaze, but kept his eyes fixed on the ground. “Uh, hi there Pinkie Pie,” he said. “Uhhh... Twilight sent me around to buy some lemon-vanilla cream cakes. You see, she’s...” But Pinkie had already leapt over the counter in a single enthusiastic bounce and was next to him, looking at him in concern.

“What’s so interesting about my floor, Spikey?” asked Pinkie. “Is there a big patch of flour or molasses or sprinkles down there? But I just swept it!” She brought a fore-hoof to the little purple dragon’s chin and lifted his face up. Spike flinched away at her touch at first, but when his gaze met the little pink pony’s his green eyes began to fill with tears, and her face fell. “Oh Spikey, what’s wrong?” she asked.

Spike angrily swiped the tears from his eyes with his shopping list. “It’s nothing,” he replied, but then he sobbed.

“It doesn’t look like nothing to me!” said Pinkie. Her face became quizzical and she brought a hoof to her lips. “Actually, I have no idea what nothing is meant to look like. I mean, is it just a black spot or is it like a blank space or..?”

But then Spike burst into tears and fell forward against Pinkie, throwing his arms around her chest. She held him in her forelegs as he rested his face against her, soaking her coat with his tears. “Oh Pinkie Pie!” he sobbed. “I miss you! I miss you so much it hurts!”

Tears sprang up in Pinkie’s big blue eyes as she held him, and she nodded sadly. “I know, Spikey. I... I know. I’ve missed you too.” And she had. She’d never realised how much his visits to Sugarcube Corner had been the highlight of her slow, sleepy mornings – whether he’s been there to scrounge day-old baked goods or just wanting a sympathetic pink ear as he complained about Twilight Sparkle or his sometimes-friend sometimes-foe Applebloom. She’d missed seeing his jolly little smiling face, his throaty chortle, his devilish and cynical sense of humour, and it hadn’t been until they’d been taken away from her that she understood how happy they’d made her.

Spike pulled his face away from her coat and looked up at her, pleading. “It’s... it’s just that I don’t want to just be friends, Pinkie Pie. I want...” He blushed, and smothered his face into her chest again. “I want to be more than just friends!”

Pinkie nodded. What a silly-billy-Pinkie she’d been to think that just one time would never be enough for a little boy filled from his cute little snout to the tip of his spiky tail with hormones. All of this was her fault!

Pinkie kissed the top of Spike’s head. “It was super-unfair of your Auntie Pinkie Pie to ask you to forget about what we did. What we did was special, not just fun and games – and I can’t forget about it either!” She glanced up at the clock on the wall. “When did Twilight say she wanted those cream-cakes by?”

Spike slipped out of Pinkie’s embrace and looked at her in confusion. He’d stopped crying, but his eyes were red and swollen. “Uh... she said that Rarity and Fluttershy were coming around for morning tea around eleven thirty and...”

Pinkie started to count on her fore-hooves. “So that means we have around 72 minutes... wait, no! 71 minutes and 54 seconds... 53 seconds...52 sec...” She shook her head clear and trotted over to the front door and turned the little sign from OPEN to CLOSED, then hopped back to Spike and, picking up his tail in her mouth, she lifted him up into the air.

“Hey! What... what’re you doing, Pinkie?” he yelped, his arms and legs flailing.

“Just sweeping you off your little scaly footsie-wootsies, Spikey!” she chuckled as she hopped up the stairs towards her bedroom with him in her mouth.

Spike looked up at the door bouncing up and down in his field of sight, and he opened his mouth and went “Ohhhhhhh!” He stopped flailing about and instead rubbed his claws together and smiled. “Spike LIKES!”

Pinkie laughed and almost dropped him, only catching him at the last minute. “Oh, Pinkie likes too, Spikey, my little purple-scaled toy-boy!” she said, pushing the door open with her pink rump.

* * *

“Spiiiiiike? Spiiiiiiiiiiike!” Twilight shouted. She looked at the big pile of books sitting in the centre of the Library and muttered to herself. “Now where in Equestria could he be?”

“Who?” said Owloysius, who had been woken by the shouting.

“Spike,” replied Twilight. “Have you seen him?”

“Who?” repeated the owl.

“You know – the little purple dragon who lives with us?”

“Who?”

“About this tall,” she indicated with a raised fore-hoof. “Likes eating gemstones and baked goods?”

“Who?”

Twilight sighed. “No offence, Owloysius, but you really are the worst pet ever.” She returned to shouting. “Spike? SPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE!”

“Uh!... uh- up here... uh!.... Twilight!” His voice floated down the stairs, and Twilight trotted up them after it, annoyed. But her expression shifted to one of confusion when she reached the top of the stairs and saw that Spike was standing in the middle of a huge pile of books – it looked as if half of the second level of the library had flown off the shelves and arranged itself around him so that only his upper torso and head were visible. He turned and looked at Twilight as she appeared, and she saw that his face was bright red and that he was sweating profusely.

“What in Celestia’s name happened here?” the unicorn pony demanded as she surveyed the disaster area.

“Uh!... I’m... I’m so sorry, Twilight.... I.... uh!....” Beads of perspiration were trickling down Spike’s face and chest and he seemed to be having trouble getting the words out. “I was... uh!... cataloguing the books on the flora and fauna of the Everfree Forest when they... uh!... all just kind fell out of the bookcase on top of me.”

“ALL of them? ALL by themselves?” Twilight’s eyes narrowed.

Spike grimaced as if he was in pain. “Uh!... yeah.”

Twilight stepped closer, but she kept her hooves off the books on the ground. If there was one thing she hated more than anything else, it was stepping on her books! She glared at Spike, but then it became a stare of concern. “Are... are you OK, Spike? Your face is really flushed – and you’re sweating a lot more than usual! Are you in pain?”

Spike shook his head. “Uh, no Twilight. It’s nothing serious – just the dust. My allergies, don’t you... uh!.. know?”

“Allergies? Since when do you have allergies?” Twilight didn’t wait for a reply, but merely rolled her eyes and sighed. “Well, get this stuff cleaned up as quickly as you can and come downstairs – there’s more books I want you to sort out for me.” She glared at the little purple dragon. “But don’t be long coming, OK?”

Spike began to nod, but then he squeezed his eyes closed and bit his lip. “I....won’t,” he replied. And as Twilight went back downstairs at last, he explosively exhaled his breath and slumped backwards onto a particularly large book about Manticores, his eyes rolling back into his head.

Then slowly, out of the middle of the sea of books directly in front of the little dragon, Pinkie’s head rose up, her cheeks puffed out and her blue eyes twinkling with humour. She swallowed, and then she leaped on top of the prone Spike and smiled down at him, her tail twitching. “Don’t you ever run out of frosting, Spikey?”

But Spike was already fast asleep.

Downstairs, Twilight was staring at the pile of books. What was with Spike these days? He never seemed to be around when there was work to be done, and when he was around he was all too cheerful for some reason. Twilight Sparkle didn’t like it. She didn’t like it one bit!

* * *

Rainbow Dash smirked at Applejack as they stood at the starting line waiting for the annual Running of the Leaves to begin. “Are you SURE you don’t want a head-start, AJ? You sure look out of condition compared to last year!”

Applejack smiled sweetly and closed her eyes. “Well, that’s mighty kind o’ ya, Rainbow, but Ah think it’s YOU who should be askin’ fer a head-start given all that nappin’ you’ve been doin’ lately.”

Dash’s eyes narrowed. “It’s called recuperating, AJ. It’s part of an effective training regime, as any REAL athlete will tell you.”

Twilight trotted up to them through the crowd of expectant ponies that were milling around wondering what the holdup was. “Have any of you seen Pinkie Pie?” she asked. “The race can’t begin until she arrives.”

“Pinkie’s doin’ the announcin’ again this year?” asked Applejack, looking up in the sky. “Are you sure? Ah can’t see the balloon anyplace.”

Dash, who was stifling a yawn as she leaned up against one of the golden-leaved trees, lazily pointed up in the air. “Isn’t that it over there?”

Floating over the Whitetail Woods was Twilight’s balloon – but its usually graceful and stately progress was being disrupted by the crazed swinging of the gondola under the balloon itself. It swayed left and right, like a pendulum that had gone out of control, and at the end of every swing Pinkie could be seen leaning out and almost falling out.

“Just what in the hay is that little pink peril up to now?” muttered Applejack. “She’s gonna fall out and end up flatter ‘n a flapjack if she ain’t careful!”

Dash barely looked up. “That’s Pinkie Pie for you...” she yawned. “Everything with her is always so. totally. random.”

But Twilight was unconvinced. She watched the gondola swinging with a frown on her face. Something was going on. And Twilight Sparkle didn’t like it. She didn’t like it one bit!

* * *

In the balloon, Pinkie was holding on for dear life with one hoof on the edge of the basket, while the other covered the loudspeaker so that nopony could hear the ecstatic moans that were being elicited from her with every hard thrust of Spike’s hips against her substantial rump.

“Uh! Uh! Uh! Ooooh Spikey!” she cried as waves of pleasure flushed up along her spine and the gondola swung more and more crazily.

“Shhhh Pinkie!” Spike whispered hoarsely, his thrusting becoming faster as the two of them got closer, his claws gripping her wide hips and helping to stop her from falling out. “You have to be quiet or everypony will find out!”

“But it feels sooo goooooooooooood!” she moaned.

* * *

The next day Pinkie was whistling to herself as she went about her morning chores. Bon-Bon had ordered forty cream-filled chocolate gateaux, a terrible number to try and cook all at the same time, but Pinkie merely rolled up her fetlocks and got to work.

“First thing I need is about ten pounds of flour!” She started to drag a huge bag out of the pantry, but as she pulled it with her teeth the back split open and flour went everywhere in a miniature mushroom-cloud of fine powder.

“Oh sprinkles!” she swore. But then her usual perky Pinkie Pie personality popped back, and with a chuckled and a giggle she went to get the broom, composing a new song as she did.

“♪If you want to clean that room, ♫
♫First thing to do is go get your broom! ♪
♪A dirty room will seal your doom....

Oh wait, that’s all wrong!” She took the broom in her mouth and was on her way back to the scene of the explosion humming a few more bars when she noticed some strange marks in the flour on the floor. There were her little hoofsies – one two three four! sets of dark circles where she’d clip-clopped all over the flour –but what was that wide trail that looked as if she’d been dragging something with her as she walked? She hadn’t been carrying the bag of flour when she’d gone to get the broom!

Then Pinkie looked down at her tummy – and she gasped in horror and dropped the broom when she saw that it reached down and touched the floor. Since when had it been THAT big? She fell back on her rump and felt her flour-covered tummy with her fore-hooves. It was as round as the top of a cupcake, and as she poked it she thought she felt something moving around inside.

“Uh oh,” she said.

Suddenly, the front door of Sugarcube Corner flew open and Spike walked in. He was smiling widely as he hopped onto the counter. “So where do you wanna do it today Pinkie Pie? I thought maybe we could sneak into the Mayor’s office and...” But he never finished the sentence, as he spotted Pinkie sitting on the floor covered in flour and holding her portly stomach.

“Uh Spikey –“ Pinkie said, getting up off the floor. “I think there’s something you should know...”

But Spike just stared at her, unblinking – and then, as if in slow motion, he fell backwards off the stool and onto the floor.

* * *

Twilight looked up from her book. “Spike, did you just ask whether dragons and ponies can have foals together?”

The little dragon nodded. “Uh, yeah Twilight!” He looked down at his feet. “It’s just that Snails was saying that they couldn’t, and I just wanted some clarification on the issue and...”

When he looked up, Twilight had abandoned her book and was already standing right next to him. Her face was a complex mixture of shock, concern, confusion and embarrassment. “Spike, I... I think you, me and Pinkie need to have a little talk.”

Spike knew he was in trouble – he’d never seen such an expression on the unicorn pony’s face before. “Uh, why’s that Twilight? Wh... what’s the problem?”

Twilight looked at him. Her face seemed strangely maternal all of a sudden, and it took a while for her to get anything out. “Er, Spike – have you and... and Pinkie Pie been doing.... things together?”

Spike’s face fell immediately, and he knew by the reaction on Twilight’s face that she knew now what she suspected was true. There was no point in lying to her, even though he’d promised Pinkie he wouldn’t tell anypony. He was backed against a corner, and the only way out was coming clean.

“H... how do you know Pinkie and I have been... doin’ stuff?” he asked.

Twilight sighed. “Pinkie came to see me earlier this morning and asked me the exact same question about whether dragons and ponies can have foals together,” she explained.

“Uh...” Spike couldn’t meet her gaze. “So... can they, Twilight?”

Twilight shook her head. “Look, neither of you have to worry about Pinkie being pregnant,” she said. “It’s totally impossible for dragons and ponies to interbreed – they’re completely different species, and their genetics are totally incompat...”

“So why is Pinkie putting on weight, Twilight?” demanded Spike.

Twilight shrugged. “This is Pinkie we’re talking about Spike – have you seen how much that girl EATS?”

Spike suddenly remembered that every time he and Pinkie did it, Pinkie would straight away start eating whatever food was available. That first time together she had gobbled down the rest of the stale muffins she kept behind the counter as she’d waved goodbye to him – and then that time in the balloon she’d brought a huge cream-cake with her.

“I just can’t help it!” Pinkie had said, her mouth full cake. “I ALWAYS get the munchies after doing it!”

Spike looked at Twilight. “Makes sense,” replied the little dragon after a moment’s thought. “But we could both feel something moving around inside!” he protested.

Twilight sighed. “That’s just gas. Have you ever seen Pinkie CHEW her food properly?”

Spike shrugged. “No. I... I guess you’re right, Twilight.”

“Of course I am,” she replied. But then her face became even more serious. “Now Spike – I have to ask you a very important question. Did... did Pinkie put you up to this? Because it’s a very serious matter if she...”

Spike shook his head. There was no way he was going to let Pinkie get in trouble for helping him! “It was all my idea, Twilight,” he confessed. “I just kept pestering her and pestering her until she finally gave in.” He fell to his knees and put his claws together. “Please, please, please don’t get Pinkie Pie in trouble! We won’t ever do it again – I promise! Cross my heart and hope to...” The look of horror on Twilight’s face made him stop, and he stared at the floor in chagrin.

“I... promise, Twilight.”

Twilight nodded slowly. “Then I guess that’s that, then,” she said, exhaling in relief. It was better to let sleeping dragons lie, she decided, and act as if nothing had ever happened. “Now, let’s get to work cataloguing those books on meteors. I want you to make sure volumes one through to twelve are where they’re supposed to be – in between the star charts and the planetary movement tables...”

“OK Twilight,” Spike replied, following Twilight as she lead him up the stairs with a sad little frown on his purple face. The unicorn pony smiled, pleased with herself. She’d averting a terrible catastrophe and Spike was back to his old self.

THE END

Well, actually that’s NOT the end. For the next day both Spike and Pinkie left Ponyville and nopony could say exactly just where they went.

* * *

Far away from Ponyville, over the mighty Swayback Mountains and across the plains of Appleloosa, in a tiny one-pony town so small the author never, ever learned what its name was, the town’s new sheriff strode into the local watering hole. It had just recently opened, and it was the perfect place for a rugged, hard-bitten hero to rest his tired spurs and drown his sorrows in a couple dozen shots of sarsaparilla. The establishment’s name was The Pink Lady Saloon, and its manager, the eponymous Pink Lady herself, was at the bar enjoying a quiet salt lick after a hard day’s work. She was dressed in her signature grey and purple corset, with matching choker and wide dancer’s skirt, and the black fishnet stockings and sleeves that always made the sheriff’s blood run hot when he saw them. She sure was the prettiest mare in these parts, and he took off his bowler hat and nodded to her as he walked through the door.

“Ma’am,” he said.

“Why, welcome once more to my establishment, Sheriff!” the Pink Lady smiled at him. It was a smile that had quickly become famous around the town, a smile that lightened your heart and made you want to get up off your stool and start dancing the polka right there and then! “No trouble with any of my girls, I hope. I want to reassure you that I run a wholesome establishment here, and that I won’t hear of any kinds of shenanigans or tom-foolery occurring under my roof.” She took her fan and brought it up to her face, glancing over it coquettishly with her radiant blue eyes at the handsome young sheriff.

The sheriff shook his head. “It’s just a courtesy call, ma’am.” He stroked his thick black handlebar moustache and looked at the gorgeous mare before him. “But I know fer a fact that some unsavoury things do transpire within these wall, seein’ that you an’ I are responsible fer the vast majority of them.”

“Oh sheriff, whatever do you mean?” She waved the fan against her neck which had begun to flush red.

“I mean, all that funny business we get up to,” the sheriff chuckled. “Behind the bar, on the dance floor, in the corridors, under the stairs and sometimes even in the bedrooms – on occasion!” He leaped up onto the stool. “In fact, I’ve got a feelin’ some unsavoury dealins are going to transpire right now!”

“Ooooh sheriff!” gasped the Pink Lady as he took one of her hooves in his claw and kissed it over and over. His moustache, brushing against the Pink Lady’s coat, became detached and then suddenly fell off, falling behind the bar and disappearing. The sheriff groaned, but then he shrugged and with a flick of his wrist he sent his bowler hat spinning after it.

“Aw, I’m no good at all this Wild West stuff, Pinkie!” said Spike. For without his disguise, the sheriff was revealed to be none other than the Twilight Sparkle’s ex-assistant! “How long do we have to stay out here?”

And then Pinkie Pie – for the Pink Lady was in fact the perky pink pony who had previous been Ponyville’s premier party pony! – swept the little dragon up in her fishnet-sleeved forelegs and kissed him. “Oh, just a little longer, Spikey!” she said. “I’m sure once the others miss us enough they’ll understand how we feel about each other and come to find us. Then we can have the biggest and most spectacularest party EVER, to celebrate our love!”

“Oh Pinkie!” cried Spike, burying his face in her perfumed décolletage.

“Oh Spikey!” cried Pinkie, kissing the spines on the top of his little purple head that had been flattened by the bowler hat.

And then they went upstairs and did it, like, ten times in a row. And each time was better than the last.

GOOD END