Drink up, Me Hearties! Yo Ho!
Ponyville was dead. Lifeless. Not a single soul roamed its tired, dusty streets. Well, perhaps that was a little off. There was a single soul roaming its tired, dusty streets; an alicorn. This alicorn was quite merry. As merry as a pony rowing their boat gently down a stream. In fact, it was safe to say she was far more merry than that. One would go as far as to say this pony was the merriest mare to ever roam anywhere in the world, ever.
The merry, meandering mare, in all her rozzled, royal glory, was still, to some, a strange sight to see. And an exceedingly annoying, painful thing to hear. The word of the day was ‘hangover’. Even the children were suffering cute little sugar crash hangovers. So, only one pony could enjoy the rowdy regal’s tone deaf singing, and that was Berry Punch. Why her? Because she and the alicorn were one and the same.
Yes, Berry Punch, like Twilight Sparkle, Cadence and possibly more before them, had somehow managed to earn her place amongst the apparent Goddesses of Equestria. To be perfectly honest, not even the current most powerful princesses, Celestia and Luna, would be able to stand, let alone remain conscious, after all that which Princess Punch had consumed in the last week.
Less than a fortnight prior, a plain old earth pony by the name of Berry Punch had been minding her own business, tending to her private vineyard. She was finally free of her little sister who, lovely as she was, could be a bit of a hoofful sometimes. She and her friends had a slumber party last night, and a house full of little fillies is never enjoyable for a borderline alcoholic.
The local newspaper came falling out of the sky, distracting Berry from her recollecting. In one movement she caught the item and unrolled it. While taking in that week’s headlines, the mare moved over to her back porch, seating herself down next to a bottle of wine. Seconds later, she had a glass poured, and opened the paper wide.
Mere moments later, in the process of taking a hearty sip, Berry came upon an astonishing article. ‘Health Experts say “Drinking half a glass of red wine every day can increase your life expectancy by 5 years.” This caused Berry to spit her drink all over the article; it became unreadable. Berry looked between the sopping wet paper and the wine bottle.
“So… if half a glass a day makes 5 years… what if… I never stopped?”
Her thoughts replied instantly with, ‘You will die from alcohol poisoning.’
“Oh hush! What do you know?”
‘Everything you know. I am your logic. You and I share the same brain.’
“... I don’t think I care what you have to say any more.”
The voice in her head sighed, ‘You never did in the first place.’
With the voice in her head silenced, Berry Punch commenced ‘Operation: Immortality’. She was renowned around town for being able to outdrink anypony. Some even theorised she could beat the princesses. The operation had begun just gone midday. By midnight, the mare had exceed her own limit, and lay collapsed, spasming and hallucinating in her kitchen.
Deep in the mysterious magical ether, Berry’s conscience floated, her snores like a metal grater on a metal potato. There was another presence floating beside her. This presence had not expected alcohol’s effects to come with her. It shouldn’t have been possible. Miss Punch had truly succeeded where no other could.
“Berry Punch. Can you hear me? Berry Punch! BERRY PUNCH!”
An ethereal hand came out of nowhere and slapped the booze right out her.
“AAAHHH! That hurt, Luna dammit! Who did tha-... -t… Where am I?”
“You,” began the presence, “are in the ethereal plane, where all magic originates from.”
“Magic? But, that’s not right. I’m an-”
“Earth Pony? It matters not. Your Princess Cadence was but a pegasus when she first came here.”
While those last words took their time to sink in, it occurred to Berry that she should see who was talking to her. Lo’ and behold, there floated a generic bottle of unknown liquid, the label blurred out. Before she could question this image, she finally realised what the bottle had implied.
“I’m gonna be an alicorn!?”
“Yes, you are. You have proven yourself with your dedication to your talent. You shall be the patron alicorn of alcohol.”
“Oh my Celestia! And my mother said my talent would never surmount to anything! Up yours! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
The bottle sighed, and after a short while, the laughing came to an end.
“You done?”
“Yes. Sorry about that. Got a few family issues.”
“Yeah, I can see that. Best deal with them as soon as you can, Princess.”
“Princess!? REALLY!?”
Berry almost restarted the laughter, but the bottle dismissed her from the plane, the transformation having finished back in the kitchen. With the mare gone, the bottle took on another form. Princess Luna smiled menacingly.
“Tell me I can’t have my own student, will you sister?”
And that was that. Berry awoke as an alicorn, she showed Twilight, they contacted Celestia, there was a crowning, and everypony partied. One by one, ponies fell, unable to keep up with their new princess. To be perfectly honest, the last week had been a case of party, hangover, party, hangover and so on. The third party ended so magnificently that the hangovers were lasting for a second day. It was at this point Celestia decided enough was enough.
“Oh, Lulu?” enquired the Solar Princess, knocking on her sister’s bedroom door.
“That you, Celly? Come in, please.”
Calmly, Celestia explained, “I spoke to Discord.”
Luna blinked. “Oh? How quaint. But, dear sister, may I ask what that has to do with me?”
“Well, you see, we got to talking about our newest royal colleague. You know the one?”
“Yes, I do. Berry Punch. Although, I still feel she needs to take on a more… fitting name. The populace have begun to use her second name, and it sounds so vulgar.”
“I would have to agree, but that’s not what I came to discuss. It turns out, Discord had a little claw in her… ‘promotion’.”
“Oh my. Still up to something or other, isn’t he?”
“But that’s not all. He tells me the idea was not his. Somepony else had requested he help them do it. A certain Princess of the Moon…”
Luna smiled awkwardly.
Celestia continued to maintain her calm demeanor, speaking softly, “So, I decided to come by here and ask you something… WHAT IN OUR NAMES WERE YOU THINKING!?”
“Did you actually just say ‘our n-’”
“ANSWER ME!”
Luna backed away slightly, hurriedly replying, “You were so against me having my own pupil that I wanted my own back and this worked and I’m so so sorry! Please don’t send me back to the moon!”
Celestia instantly cooled down.
“Why would I ever send you away again? That was hard enough on both of us.”
The older sister went out to cuddle her seemingly upset sibling, but Luna jumped away, cackling as she galloped out of the room.
“You have been fooled, sister! I am the prankster QUEEN!”
The princess went out of earshot while Celestia fumed away.
“How dare she use that on me… again… I really should stop falling for that.”
At that moment, Berry Punch popped her head around the door.
“Is everything alright, Princess?”
“Everything is fine, Berry,” Celestia lied, putting on a cheerful facade. “And please, there is no need for titles when it’s just us.”
“Oh, alright then… Erm… What are you doing in Luna’s room by yourself?”
“I had hoped to find her but she had already left. Speaking of which, we were going to find you and discuss your name.”
This made Berry beam. She too had grown to dislike ‘Princess Punch’.
“Oo, I already have a better idea! Pinot Noiria! Dad told me how he wanted to call me Pinot Noir but Mum hated it.”
“Then it shall be so. But, until then, could I ask that if you see Luna, you tell her that queens do not fare well in Equestria.”
“Erm, okay? Sure, I guess. Seeya!”
“Wait!”
“Yes, Princess?”
“You really need to get over those mother issues.”
And that is the Tale of the Berricorn, the origin story of Equestria’s patron Princess of Alcohol, Pinot Noiria. Let it be known that alcohol, although fun, must be drunk responsibly, as one is more likely to spend the night covered in piss and vomit, sleeping god knows where (OR WORSE), than having an alicorn around to save your vinegar-sodden hide. Everything in moderation!
Author's Note
Added thanks to a guy I know through a brony group skype chat. Goes by 'TheDiscernist'. He helped improve that little speech about alcohol abuse.
