Rainbow Burger

by KelGrym

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Human, Lyra, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, King Sombra, Queen Chrysalis, Pinkie Pie
Length: 28042

Welcome to Rainbow Burger, home of the Rainbow Burger, how can Pinkamena make you smile today?

She hates the humans. She hates their roads. She hates what the world has become...but most of all she hates her job.

Join Pinkamena Diane Pie (just call her Pinkamena) as she struggles through her day with stupid customers, and dumber management.

Don't look in the satchel.

[Now comes with Rage Review!] *warning: spoilers*

[Credit to Party Pop for new cover art]

[special thanks to JoeSFX for english to spanish translations in chapter 6.]

[Not a Cupcakes rewrite]

[Note: Fic is a dark comedy, and is AU. Expect characters to be different from their original canon roles and misanthropy abounds. May not be your cup of tea.]

[Previous Cover Art Below]
Alos88

Published 2014-02-18 23:00:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-22 17:19:33 UTC

Name Tag

Rainbow Burger
By Kel Grym

This was not the same world it once was. There once was something called the Everfree forest. It was a dangerous place no pony would ever step hoof into. Now, it was a large lovely park gridlocked in pavement.

Pinkamena stood on the sidewalk in her uniform looking out at the park. She wore a cyan one piece uniform that had a hoof thick rainbow stripe running down her front and back, over her right shoulder. As a pony employee, not only did she have Rainbow Burger's logo stamped on the front of her uniform, but also stamped on the sides of her thighs, where her cutie marks should be. It was disgraceful to her, but at the moment she was too engrossed in the drama taking place in the park.

A small section of the park was barricaded off from the rest of the world by barbwire fence, upturned picnic tables and sharpened re-bar stuck out in an angle around the perimeter in various places. Within the fortifications, a butterscotch pegasus made her final stand against the city. Several large signs stood out that said things like: “Save the trees!” or “Down with Alien Industrialism!” If Pinkamena could remember correctly, part of the park was going to be razed by the city to make space for more businesses. Police vehicles were stationed all around the park and fortified area.

“Fluttershy,” the pony police officer said through his megaphone, “This is your last chance. Release the hostages and come along quietly. We don’t want anyone to get hu..” The officer’s speech was cut off, as a blast thundered from somewhere in the barricaded area of the park. The microphone exploded in the officer’s hoof and the bystanders that were watching fled in terror, save for Pinkamena.

From the barricaded area a loud voice said, “I’m not releasing any of the hostages until the city shreds their order to butcher these trees! Some of these trees are the oldest in Equestria and I’m not going to stand by and let the city kill them! They’re homes to hundreds of innocent animals that have as much a right to live as anypony or anyone else!”

Eco-terrorists, Pinkamena thought to herself.

The officer who had the megaphone blasted apart in his hoof had already ducked behind his vehicle and was on the radio. “Shots fired! Shots fired! We need a swat team here, yesterday!”

Pinkamena watched the rest of the scene play out in amusement. She had the wiggling notion she might be late for work, but things ended quickly. A few shots were fired, the swat team arrived, helicopters came and spotlighted the area. One of the helicopters was downed by a bazooka. Ponies and people screamed.

Eventually, the swat team stormed in and subdued the pegasus. One of the swat team members was mauled by a bear that was shot four times in the head and thirty four times in the body in retribution. The swat team found no hostages. Only a couple of life like mannequins tied to a tree with sad faces drawn on the featureless heads in magic marker.

“You bastards! Why?! You killed Harry!” the cuffed pegasus screamed through tear filled eyes as a swat officer shoved her into the back of the police van.

“Quiet, you! Officer Combs was just a rookie! You’re gonna get the book thrown at you now!” The swat officer said as he closed and locked the back of the van.

Now that it was all over, Pinkamena picked up her book satchel and started to make her way to work.

Just another day in Ponyville

Back in the old days, everything use to be in walking distance, but now there was a highway that cut across town right by her home. Big business boomed, small business shrunk and everything started to spread out more. The Everfree forest was already halfway gone before her time, and now it was just a collection of parks. She hated it. She didn’t hate it enough to pull a one pony stand like the idiot in the park did, but hated it nonetheless.

She once heard an old timer say that back in the day a pony could walk from the edge of the Everfree to the center of Ponyville in just thirty minutes. Because of all the new buildings, and having to stop at crosswalks, it took nearly an hour to get there. Pinkamena hated not having a car, but then again no one in Ponyville knew how to drive anyways.

As she approached she could see the rainbow arched sign that stood out in front of the restaurant. The logo stood out triumphantly over the parking lot. Pinkamena sneered at it.

Rainbow Burger had been in business for half a decade now and its franchise had already spread like wildfire across Equestria. Protein enhanced soy burgers were all the rage amongst ponies and vegetarian human’s alike. It was one of the few fast food chains that drew in both demographics equally. Pony and human alike could both sit down and enjoy a Cloudsdale special and dance around the awkwardness of omnivore/herbivore dietary taboos in peace. Harmony and smiles for everyone.

Unless you work there.

She found herself in front of the restaurant entrance. She just stared at the doors. She didn’t want to go through those doors. Those were the gates of Tarturus. Nothing good was ever behind them. She could just quit and walk away. Who needed this job? She never got any good hours, the boss was an egotistical pain, the assistant manager was a slut, her co-workers were idiots, the pay was negligible, and the food stunk.

She sighed in defeat. She needed this job.

I think I’d rather be roadkill. At least employee meals are free.

She placed her Rainbow Burger cap on her head and walked in. She was soon assaulted with her first cringe worthy experience of the day.

“Pinkamena Diane Pie, you’re late!” Sombra Darkheart yelled at her from over the counter.

Pinkamena could light a fire with the friction her grinding teeth were making. She turned to look at her boss. He wore a similar uniform with black slacks, except his shirt was white. He didn’t deserve that uniform. He was an idiot that was good with numbers and that was about it. Even the managers at Equestrian Fried Griffon worked their asses off alongside their workers, but not Sombra. He was the kind of manager that liked to count his money all day while his girlfriend sucked him off in his office.

“Didn’t I tell you not to call me by my full name, Sombra Dwayne Darkheart?” Pinkie replied with a smirk.

Sombra’s eye twitched. “That’s, Mr. Darkheart to you!” He looked around to see if anyone was listening. “How did you know my middle name?”

Pinkamena gave Sombra a deadpanned look.

“I know everything.” she said.

She watched in hidden amusement as Sombra’s eyes lit up in panic.

“E-e-everything?”

She walked around the counter to the terminal to clock in. She looked at the corner of the screen to the date and time. It was 6:01pm. She was just a single minute late. Turning towards Sombra she could see he was actually sweating a little bit.

“Relax, dummy. I’m just kidding. Guilty conscious, much?”

Sombra quickly composed himself and furrowed his brow at her. “That’s not funny.”

“You looked ready to piss your pants. That’s pretty funny if you ask me.”

His eyes narrowed at her. If he wasn’t so understaffed at this point and time he’d just fire her. As much as he hated Pinkamena, she was actually good at her job. He dealt with the sarcasm and snide remarks just so long as she worked.

“Just put your headset on. We need you at the window.”

Pinkamena cringed again. She hated working at the window. “Why do I gotta work the window again? I did that three days in a row! Can’t I work the grill or the damn oven for once?”

“Well I would, but Caramel quit to work on a farm or something and Bon Bon’s new so she needs to practice with the oven. Besides, you’re the best window person we got.”

Pinkamena cursed inwardly. Caramel went to work on a farm? Good for him. At least she didn’t have to deal with the little blighter hitting on her anymore. She wondered which farm he went to. Sweet Apple Acres has been closed down ever since the new roads opened up and evilweevils started to infest all the apple crops across Equestria.

“Fine, whatever,” She said as she went to her work area behind the drink station. After she grabbed her headset off the wall, she paused when she saw who was working the window. She cringed again. She hated the inept tool in front of her most of all. She represented everything that Pinkamena stood against. Incompetency, low standards, using her body to secure a position she had no right to. It made Pinkamena sick.

Don’t piss me off. Don’t piss me off. Don’t piss me off.

Pinkamena walked past her to hang her book satchel on one of the hangers on the wall.

Chrysalis Shift, the assistant manager, turned and saw Pinkamena. Pinkamena turned and met her eyes. Chrysalis stared lazily at Pinkamena for a moment then said, “Oh…it’s you.”

Bitch.

“Yeah. It’s me.”

The bug thought she was better than her.

Chrysalis glanced over Pinkamena from head to hoof and said, “You’re late.”

“You’re ugly.”

Chrysalis sneered at her and replied, “Says the filly with split ends and stains all over her uniform.”

“Maybe I’d have a cleaner uniform if you supplied me with a new one, like I asked for.”

“We already gave you a uniform.”

“Two years ago, when I started working here.”

“You could wash it.”

“The stains run deep like the ones on your bed.”

Chrysalis fumed, “Why you little…”

“Car,” Pinkamena said, cutting Chrysalis off in mid sentence.

Chrysalis heard the beep in her headset go off, indicating a customer just drove up to order. It creeped her out how Pinkamena was able to do that. The camera out in the drive-thru had been broken for months, but somehow she always knew.

“Step aside and let me do my job,” Pinkamena said as she stepped towards the intercom.

Taking a deep breath she counted to three in her head and pressed the button on the intercom that allowed her to talk to the customer. When she spoke, what came out of her mouth was the equivalent to audible sunshine mixed with a child’s happiness and a dash of breezy shit. She let out the sweetest giggle before she did it too.

“Hello, thank you so much for choosing Rainbow Burger, Equestria’s number one family friendly, fast food, soy burger restaurant! How can I make you smile today? Would you be interested in one of our combo deals?” Pinkamena said in a cheery high pitched voice that grated against Chrysalis’s skull.

There was a pause on the other end. Finally, after a few seconds, an older lady’s voice crackled on their headsets, “Um…just give me a minute.”

“No problem ma'am, just take your time and let me know whenever you’re ready to order.” Pinkamena replied on the intercom.

She turned her head to Chrysalis and said, “Human.”

Chrysalis beheld the transformation each time in repressed awe. She pondered to herself not for the first time if Pinkamena was really a changeling. It was just another thing that deeply bothered her about the employee. Something wasn’t right about her.

She wished to herself that when the car came around that it was a pony just so she could smear it in Pinkamena’s face, but deep down inside she knew what the outcome was going to be. She learned to stop making bets with Big Mac a long time ago over Pinkamena’s uncanny foresight.

The voice crackled in their headsets again, “I think I made up my mind…I’d like a number one, mustard, easy on the onions, no tomatoes…um. Extra pickles please.”

Pinkamena responded, “Okie Dokey Lokie, so that’ll be a number one, mustard, light on the onions, no tomatoes and extra pickles. Would you like cheese with that, ma'am?”

There was another pause on the line, “…yes.”

“Super smiley, Alrighty! What would you like to drink?”

“Just Colta-Cola.”

“Ooh. I’m really really sorry about that ma'am, but we don’t serve Colta-Cola here, could I interest you in Dr. Pampa?”

There was a disgruntled sigh, “Sure.”

“That’s great! So I got a number one, mustard, with cheese, light onions, no tomatoes, extra pickles and a Dr.Pampa. Would you like a cupcake with that?”

“…no.”

Pinkamena released the intercom button and turned to Chrysalis saying, “Told you. Humans almost never want cupcakes with their burgers."

“Okay then, that’ll be a grand total of 4 bits and 84 bittybits. Please pull up to the window and thank you for choosing Rainbow Burger.” she said to the intercom as she finalized the order on her terminal.

Pinkamena smiled smugly at Chrysalis, “That’s what you call being professional Chrysie.”

Chrysalis just stood there and stared at Pinkamena’s cyan uniform in contempt. Pinkamena raised an eyebrow.

“What?”

Chrysalis pointed to her shirt.

“Name tag.”

Pinkamena looked down at her stained cyan uniform. She was indeed missing her name tag.

Buck.

“So what? It’s not like anyone gives a shit.”

“It’s company policy.”

“Just like it's company policy to suck the boss’s di-“

“Just go in the office and get a new name tag!” Chrysalis yelled. “I’ll handle the customer until you get back.”

“Whatever,” Pinkamena said as she stalked off towards Sombra’s office, “I’ll be back soon. Try not to mess up.”

As she left, Chrysalis clenched her jaw tight while imagining popping that mare’s head between her hooves. She would too, if it wasn’t that –

The car finally pulled up to the window. Chrysalis looked out to see the customer. It was an older human lady. Chrysalis gulped. She would love to crush the mare’s head between her hooves if it wasn’t for the fact she scared her so much. Sometimes humans did order cupcakes. Sometimes ponies didn’t. It never mattered. Pinkamena always knew somehow.

*Knock, Knock!*

“Come in,” Sombra said as he reclined in his chair.

The door opened and Pinkamena walked into the office.

Sombra turned and saw who it was and said, “Oh…it’s you.”

Pinkamena resisted the urge to punch him. “I need a name tag.”

Sombra stared at the Mare and said, “Five bits.”

Pinkamena rolled her eyes, “Ha ha, that’s very funny.”

“I’m serious.”

“No your not.”

“Yes I am.”

“Human shit.”

Her boss sighed. “Well I guess you won’t be getting a name tag then…and since you can’t work without a name tag I guess that means you're going home. Pity. You were one of my best employees.”

It started to sink in that Sombra was actually being serious with her.

“You’ve got to be kidding me. You’re seriously trying to hustle me for a name tag? What the bucking fuck!?” She yelled in outrage.

“Language, Ms. Pie.”

“No! It’s a piece of plastic, why in Celestia’s name are you charging me 5 bits for a piece of plastic? That’s more than what we charge for our cheapest combo meal!”

Sombra slowly shook his head making a ‘tsk tsk’ sound. “Pinkie, pinkie, pinkie. It’s not just a piece of plastic. It’s more than that.”

Pinkamena’s eye twitched. “Don’t call me that.”

“Call you what? Pinkie?”

“Yes, that.”

“Oh, but why not? It rolls off the tongue so much better than Pinkamena Diane Pie.”

She was beginning to lose patience. “Don’t call me that either. It’s Pinkamena. Just Pinkamena, or Ms.Pie, and never Pinkie, or Pinkie Pie, or my full name. Why is that so hard to understand?”

Sombra rolled his eyes and said, “Okay, okay. Sheesh. I don’t know what the big deal is.”

“It’s called professional workplace etiquette.”

“Hmm…”

“What?”

“Speaking of professionalism…”

“Yeah?”

“It seems you're missing a name tag.”

Sombra was smirking. Pinkie was on the verge of aneurysm. She needed to calm down before she hit him.

Just breathe in…and out.

“Like I was saying before you so rudely interrupted me,” Sombra began.

No thoughts formed in Pinkamena’s head. There was only an angry white noise. It lasted a good minute. Pinkamena saw Sombra’s lips move, but she didn’t hear anything that he said. As the angry white noise began to subside she started to make out the tail end of Sombra’s grand monologue.

“...-tag is a symbol, neigh, a badge of honor that must be worn at all times. So you see it’s more than just a piece of plastic. It’s a piece of plastic with a name on it. Your name…and names are important. I’ve had to replace three of your name tags this month. Three! I’m shocked, really, that you are irresponsible enough to lose your name, let alone you don’t think it’s worth a measly five bits.”

Pinkamena stared at Sombra and tried to piece together some semblance of logic from the manure he spouted. She failed.

“Whatever, just give me a tag and take it out of my check."

Pinkamena walked back to the window with her new name tag on. She couldn’t believe she agreed to that. She supposed anything was better than listening to Sombra prattle on a single moment longer about the integral importance name tags had to running a business where the majority of customers didn’t even care. She’d prefer to work in complete anonymity. The customers that bothered her the most were the ones that looked down to see what her name was and then proceeded to use it as if they’d been her friend for years. She knew she was just a faceless drone to them, so why even bother? It just felt patronizing.

Pinkamena smirked as she approached the window. It looked like Chrysalis was having trouble with the terminal.

“You said you wanted a number three, no lettuce, bun’s toasted on both side…” Chrysalis said as she struggled with the terminal screen. Pinkamena peered over her shoulder and saw what she done wrong. She began to snicker behind Chrysalis back. The Changeling noticed her and glowered.

“Need some help there?”

Chrysalis turned away from the intercom, “No, leave me alone.”

“Excuse me?” the voice crackled on their headset. Chrysalis forgot to release the intercom button.

“Oh, no I’m sorry I didn’t mean you.” Chrysalis quickly apologized. Mild panic began to set in. That damn mare broke her concentration and now she forgot what she was doing.

“You need to cancel the order and start again,” Pinkamena stated.

“I know that.”

“Then why aren’t you doing it?”

“I’m getting to it,” Chrysalis said with a snarl, “I just forgot where the button was.”

Pinkamena interjected again, “Do you even remember what their order was?”

“What? Of course I do”

Chrysalis began to sweat. She knew what the order was. Mostly. She began to reach for the intercom button when Pinkamena suddenly stopped her.

“It’s a number three, no lettuce, no tomato, buns toasted on both sides with a slice of Moonteri Jill cheese,” Pinkamena said as she began to take over the terminal station, “They want a Paso Fino to drink…also you forgot to ask them if they wanted a cupcake.”

Chrysalis’s jaw dropped, “Are you psychic?”

Pinkamena waited before she answered Chrysalis so she could finish up the customer’s order. After she was done she gave Chrysalis a deadpan look. She pointed to the gear on her head and said, “Headset, ears, memory. Learn how to use them…also, Pony.”

As soon as she said it the customer’s car came into view in the window. The window rolled down to reveal a lime green stallion wearing shades. How in Tartarus was the mare doing this!

Pinkamena threw Chrysalis a knowing smirk before she turned to the window with the customers drink already in hoof. Chrysalis watched as she prepared the customers change and handed him the bag of food Lyra hoofed over to her.

“Here you go, and thank you for choosing Rainbow Burger, have a super terrific day!” Pinkamena said in that awful over the top cheery voice.

Chrysalis hated her!

“You know, that customer that came by before you went to Sombra’s office was a pony,” Chrysalis said.

Pinkie arched an eyebrow. “You know, I can always tell when you’re lying.”

Chrysalis scoffed. She was a changeling, master of lies and deceit. “I’m not lying. It was a pony. You’re not as omniscient as you think.”

“I never said I was omniscient,” Pinkamena said, “but you are lying…You have a tell.”

Chrysalis was flabbergasted. A tell? What tell?

“Yes, you have a tell…and I’m not telling you what it is.”

She began to panic on the inside. Was she reading her mind?

“No I’m not reading your mind. I’m reading your tell.”

“Gah! Stop that!”

“Fine, I will. Just get out of my work station. You’re stinking up the place.”

Chrysalis gave up. She couldn’t stand to be around the mare any longer. “You know I have better things to do than stand around and trade barbs with you.”

“Then go do them.”

“I will!” Chrysalis said as she began to walk off.

Pinkamena smirked at her small victory. She was just about to go to the drink fountain and grab something to sip, when Chrysalis called out over her shoulder, “See you later Pinkie Pie!”

She spun around and yelled back, “My names not Pinkie you bucking overgrown bug!”

“That’s not what your name tag says!” Chrysalis yelled back.

What?

Pinkamena looked down at her name tag for the first time. It said Pinky Pie.

“Urgh! That son of a bitch!“

Knock it out

Rainbow Burger
by KelGrym

“That’ll be 6 bits and 42 bittybits,” Pinkamena forced out of her mouth, again, for the 100,000 time to the customer on the intercom, “Please pull up to the window.” She let go of the intercom button and muttered an obscenity under her breath. After what seemed like an eon of painfully waiting for the customer to decide what they wanted, she had to spend another eternity in limbo and explain to the customer what a Cloudsdale Special was, before she could ring up their order.

“Uh…can I make another order?” the customer asked.

Dammit!, Pinkamena mentally cursed. Pressing the intercom button she said, “No problem, always happy to take another order! What would you like, sir?”

Pinkamena listened to the chatter on the other side. She sighed in annoyance. There was no mistaking the tell tale mutterings of a single half of a whole conversation.

Argh! They’re on their cell!

Pinkamena pulled her forelegs towards her body, scraping the chrome ledge of the window with her hooves. Over the past two years, the smooth surface started to look like the side of a car door that was subjected to the untold abuse from the business end of a key in the hands of a drunk teenager.

“What comes on the Mecklenburger?”

Pinkamena let go of the intercom to curse. In the kitchen, only Bon-Bon looked her direction. Reluctantly, Pinkamena pressed the intercom again and said in a voice dripping with sugar and butterfly kisses, “The Mecklenburger comes with two patties on wheat bread, grilled jalapenos and onions, lettuce, tomatoes, and two slices of Moonteri Jill cheese.”

“Oh, ok,” the headset crackled, “Hold on just a sec.”

Only elephants could hear how low Pinkamena’s growl was. The customer took his sweet time, oblivious to her expense. He alternated between asking Pinkamena questions about the menu, to talking to whomever it was on his cell a few more times, before he finally made up his mind. Behind him, the line of cars had been steadily growing.

At long last, the nuisance customer pulled up to the window, after Pinkamena rung his order up. She stuck her head out to make the usual exchange. “That’ll be a grand total of 12 bits and 84 bittybits, sir! Your food will be out, shortly.”

The man on the other side of the window looked down to her name tag briefly and looked back up to her and said, “Hey Pinkie, Is it too late for me to add something else to my order?”

The world began to spin around her and a mad cackle sounded through her head. Her eyes constricted to pinpricks momentarily and glazed over. Once her brain recognized the man outside the window was an unsalvageable moron, it immediately hit an emergency switch it reserved when levels of stupid reached critical mass. Violent neural pathways were blocked off as the negative energy was rerouted to a different cortex of her brain. It was an error to call it a self-defense mechanism.

“Pain?” she asked. All the sunlight in her voice disappeared.

The customer sat in his car with a dumb look plastered on his face. “What?”

“Oh!” she suddenly exclaimed, with a brighter skip in her voice than what she began her order with, “Not a problem sir, I can get you an order of pain, just wait right here so I can ring it up for you!”

Pinkamena disappeared from the window for a few moments, leaving behind a very confused customer. As the man waited at the window and wondered what that was all about, he could hear the sounds of scraping coming from inside. Soon after, Pinkamena’s head could be seen in the window again as she began to lift something heavy onto it’s ledge.

“Here you go,” she said, “One order of pain coming right up!”

Color abandoned the man’s face when he realized he was looking down the barrel of a large cobalt cannon. His jaw hung open as he stared into it, with unbelieving eyes.

“Will that be incendiary or concussive?” Pinkamena asked, voice sugar coated.

Before the man could answer, the furies of Tartarus erupted from the barrel of the cannon. A cloud of smoke and fire could be seen trailing all the way where his vehicle landed across the street from the window. Traffic was thrown in disarray as cars began to pile up on each other and pedestrians ran amok screaming in terror.

All the while, Pinkamena could be heard laughing maniacally from the drive-thru window, basking in the havoc and chaos she unleashed into the world.

“Um, hello? Can I add something to my order?” the customer asked, as he sat in his sportscar, alive, healthy, and disappointingly not burnt to the bone.

“Huh?” Pinkamena said, as she snapped out of her fantasy, “Oh, sorry about that, of course you can! What did you want to add?”

“Hey, knock it out!” Diego Juarez called out, as he was dressing the third burger on the board.

Rover Cannidor growled under his breath. The human was a broken record. He always said the same one liners, over and over again. At first, the diamond dog just accepted it as a human quirk, something to break the ice, or to motivate co-workers in getting their mutual goal done, but now he was sure he was trying to annoy him.

Rover flipped the patty one more time, grabbed a bun heel, and brought the patty with heel to the dressed bun on the board.

“Hey, whatcha doin, dog?”

Confusion crossed Fido’s face. Did he forget the cheese again? Fido looked up to the ticket and saw that wasn’t the case.

“You put it on the wrong bun,” Diego said.

Rover looked down and realized that he indeed did put it down on the wrong bun. He was used to placing the burgers down on the buns in a left to right order, starting with the oldest order to the latest. For some reason, Diego had the order reversed around. It was a monkey wrench in his routine, but Fido was accountable for placing the right patty on the right bun, so there wasn’t room to make excuse.

He was about the scoop the patty off it’s bun with the spatula to correct his mistake when Diego said, “Hey, don’t worry about it, I’ll fix it, just get the other patties, were going over.”

Rover grumbled and walked back to his grill.

“Knock it out!” Diego called out again.

Rover cringed. He wanted to knock Diego out.

“Grrr...Do you have to do that all the time?” He asked.

“Do what?” The short, burly, Argentinian's face was a mask of innocence.

“Say the same thing, over and over again! It’s so annoying!”

“Oh, that. Sorry,” Diego apologized, “It’s sorta my thing. I’ll stop though, I didn’t mean to bother you.”

That was easier than Rover expected. Satisfied, Rover turned back to his grill. “Thank you,” he said, relieved that the human would finally stop annoying him.

Diego was sometimes difficult to deal with. He had a playful, upbeat personality and liked to pull pranks whenever he could. Rover couldn't recall how many times he looked for the shredded cheese in the upper part of the cooler, only to find that someone put it in the bottom, or how Diego always flipped the hay bacon package around, so that the open side of the flap faced away from him when he wanted to pull out a sheet. Diego couldn’t appreciate how much Rover wanted to maul him on a day to day basis.

As Rover was getting ready to bring Diego another patty, Lily Valley passed by and called out to Diego, “Hey! Knock it out!”

“Knock it out!” He replied back, jovially.

Rover’s body locked up at the exchange. He leveled a glare at Diego.

Diego saw the look Rover gave him. “What?”

Rover narrowed his eyes. “...I don’t like you.”

Diego just laughed.

Pinkamena busied herself restocking ketchup packets and the napkin dispenser near her window. The stream of cars going by the drive-thru trickled to a halt and the restaurant was entering another one of it’s slow periods. Unlike most of her other co-workers, she actually used her down time to get everything prepared in her work area. As she was getting ready to restock the cups for the drink fountain, a truck rolled up to her window.

“Hey, Pinkamena!” yelled the stallion in the truck.

Pinkamena grimaced. It was Caramel.

What does he want?

Opening up the window, she stuck her head outside. “Make it quick, I’m busy.”

Caramel, used to Pinkamena’s dismissive attitude, only grinned and said, “Hey I got a new job!”

“Oh yeah? Where at?”

“Carrot farm.”

“They hiring?”

“Sorry, I filled the last position.”

Pinkamena slammed the window shut.

“Hey! Wait up!” Caramel called out, “Pinkamena! I got something else I wanted to tell you!”

Pinkamena opened up the window, again. “What?” she snapped.

Unfazed by her jagged edge, he said, “Well, I made some plans with Berry Punch and we’re gonna have a tailgate party this weekend and I was wondering…”

“No.” The window clacked shut.

Caramel figured that Pinkamena was going to act like this. He tried getting her attention again, but she wouldn’t open the window. His head drooped down as he stared into his steering wheel. Why did he even bother?

His heart skipped a beat when he heard the window open up. He saw Pinkamena sticking her head out giving him an appraising look.

“What day is it?” she asked.

Caramel’s mood did a full 180 degree turn. “Sunday!”

Pinkamena raised an eyebrow. “Will there be booze?”

“Hey, this is Berry were talking about here,” Caramel said.

For a moment Pinkamena’s face seemed like stone. Caramel couldn’t read the expression on it and feared that she might say no again.

“I’ll think about.”

His eyes lit up and a genuinely happy smile grew on his face.

“Don’t get your hopes up or anything, I said I’ll think about it,” Pinkamena reminded, narrowing her eyes.

Caramel held up his hooves. “Okay, that’s all that I wanted...so um. I’ll see you around then...maybe?”

Puppy dog. Pinkamena stared at him with a blank expression.

“Maybe...now get outta here, before you get me in trouble.”

As Caramel watched the window close he gushed, “She said, maybe!” He pumped his foreleg into the air as he drove off, punctuating each thrust with a, “Yes!” This, to Caramel, was the best thing that happened since he quit Rainbow Burger for his new job. Maybe now he might have a chance to really impress Pinkamena at the tailgate party.

Caramel could imagine it now. He could see the glow of the bonfire reflecting off of her Pink coat as the diamonddust speckled, starry night sky graced her alluring form, under the moonlight. Light pollution from the town and the bonfire would probably paint the night sky pitch black, but it didn’t stop Caramel from imagining her hoof slipping from her drink to his hoof as they watched the fire, and listened to David Baluchi’s ‘Crystal Canines’. Her smooth, oh so immaculate, straight, pink mane would fall from her face as she looked up to him with those inviting cerulean eyes. As they gazed into each other’s eyes, they’re sight would shift to each others lips and they’d slowly move into each other until finally --

Caramel skidded to a halt as he was coming out of the parking lot, from the drive-thru, and looked out the driver side window. “Oh horseapples! I think I hit someones cat!”

Pinkamena just shook her head as she watched Caramel leave.

He’s such a dork.

She began to finish restocking her work area when a familiar voice entered into her head. Pinkamena’s eye twitched.

“What did I tell you about getting in my head at work?” She asked no one in particular.

There was a pause for response.

“What are you my conscience?” She asked, still seemingly to herself, “I don’t want to go out with him.”

Another pause.

“I don’t care. He’s not my type.”

As Pinkamena held her one way conversation, Lyra was watching the whole time, wondering if Pinkamena finally slipped off into the deep end. She always knew there was something off about that mare.

Pinkamena noticed Lyra looking at her. “What are you staring at?” She asked, in an icy voice. It was phrased as a question, but the tone suggested Lyra to mind her own business.

Lyra quickly looked away. “N-nothing!”

Pinkamena narrowed her eyes, but then noticed something. Peering over the drink fountain, Pinkamena saw that there was a customer waiting patiently for someone or pony to take their order. Usually, Lily Valley worked the front counter, but she was missing for some reason.

“Lyra,” Pinkamena said, “There’s a customer at the front counter, Lily’s missing.”

Lyra looked over to the front counter and scoffed, “So?”

Pinkamena’s jaw dropped. Was Lyra really that dense? “So? So go over there and take their order!”

“Aww,” Lyra whined, “But I’m no good at taking orders! Why can’t you go do it?”

No...just lazy.

“Me?”

“Yeah, you.”

“Because I have to take orders at the window! I shouldn’t have to juggle both! Besides, you’ve worked here nearly as long as me and you almost never take front orders.”

“But what if I have to drop fries if a drive-thru orders while I’m gone?”

Pinkamena rolled her eyes. “I’ll tell Bon-Bon to do it then. She’s right there, not doing anything anyways.”

Lyra was about to argue, when Sombra stuck his head out of the office and said, “Lyra! Go take the customers order,” before quickly disappearing back into it again.

“Knock it out!” Diego called out from the kitchen’s mainside.

Lyra sighed in defeat. “Fine! I’ll take the stupid order.”

As Lyra dragged her hooves to the front counter she put on her best happy smiley face that she could and stood up on her hind legs to reach the terminal. She looked at the customer. He was a portly pale human, sporting a double chin covered in a five o'clock shadow under a balding scalp of brown hair tied off in a ‘pony’ tail (Lyra never understood why they called it that). Lyra thought for a moment he smelled of vaseline.

“Um..w-welcome to Rainbow burger...home of...the Rainbow Burger. How can I take your order?” she improvised.

Pinkamena facehoofed.

The customer smiled and said in a nasally voice, “Well lets see...I think I’ll have…”

Come on, come on!, Lyra thought, I just wanna get this over with.

“I think I’ll have a number one, mayo, no cheese.”

Okay, that’s easy enough

“Then on a separate order I want…”

Uh, oh…

“Two number two combos, one with regular fries, one with hay fries -- for a pony friend of mine -- three rainbow junior burgers, one with mayo and cheese, the other with mustard, no cheese, with three small fries. Then I want five orders of cupcakes, one chocolate with vanilla frosting, the other vanilla with strawberry frosting. On the drinks of the first two orders I want Colta-Cola and Dr.Pampa, but make the first drink extra large and add on three small Paso Fino drinks.”

Lyra stared up at the customer as if he pulled a gun on her.

He then snapped his fingers and asked, “Oh! What comes on that Mecklenburger?”

“Pinkamena!” Lyra cried.

Pinkamena grumbled. She had just finished the customers order for Lyra in time to make it back to the window and punch in the one that just came in the drive-thru. Honestly, it felt like she had to do everything. She couldn’t comprehend how Lyra made it this far working in fast food other than the fact she was a unicorn, and barring management, unicorns were hard to come by in the business. Fast food was predominantly a job for earth ponies, humans, diamond dogs, and the occasional minotaur. Pegasi had cornered the air transportation market, and unicorns were invaluable in almost every other field, especially tricky high level factory assembly jobs, where losing a finger was a daily hazard.

Lily had just come back and took her place at the front again. Apparently, she had gone to stock cups for the front, but Pinkamena guessed she was in the back chatting with Chrysalis. If everypony spent as much time getting things done, instead of socializing, her job might actually be tolerable. It might have been Lily goofing off this time, but Lyra was the worst. Every time things slowed down she took a chance to escape to the back to spread the latest gossip, or mine her co-workers for dirt on someone she knew. Chrysalis and Lily were always happy to indulge her.

“Hey, you got three those fries down Lyra?!” Diego yelled from the other side.

“Yeah,” Lyra called back, “I know what I’m doing! You don’t have to shout!”

“Hey, knock it out!

Pinkamena’s ear twitched.

“Ugh! You’re so annoying Diego!”

“Tell me about it!” Rover piped in from mainside.

Okay...maybe not, Pinkamena thought. The last thing she wanted to deal with was --

The door of Sombra’s office flung open wide as he and Chrysalis stepped out. Sombra raised a hoof in the air and shouted, “That’s enough chatter! Let’s get on with the show!”

Shit!

It was an inevitability. It couldn’t be avoided in Equestria, really. There was a saying. Only one thing was certain in life. Death, taxes, and musical numbers. Pinkamena looked forward to death and taxes if she could avoid the third.

Sombra cleared his throat and began.

I know you like to socialize,

Fight and bicker all day long,

But what you foals just don’t realize,

Is that I’m here to ring the gong,

And Crack the whip,

To shut your lip,

And get your grip,

Before you slip!

He turned to his compatriot. “Chryssie poo?”

She wore a smug smile and said, “Of course,” then began her part.

What our dearest charge is saying,

Is that we have to hurry,

Instead of all this delaying,

You should be in a flurry,

So don’t you pout,

Or be a klout,

Or mess about,

Just --

Knock it out! , Diego finished. Chrysalis glared at him in contempt..

Rover pulled at his ears and groaned. “So annoying! So distracting! Why if…grrr...Why--

If I was not on probation,

Or needed this stupid job,

I’d gladly inflict laceration,

And surely cause you to sob,

You make me huff,

You make me puff,

You’re not hot stuff,

I’ve had --

Enough!, Sombra yelled. Rover winced, splaying back his ears, but then just crossed his arms and glared at Diego.

Sombra spun around to address everyone.

The clock on the wall is ticking,

The customer is hungry,

So speed up and get to cooking,

So I must tell you bluntly,

Move, you tortoise,

Give me solace,

Sing and give us,

The grand chorus!

At Sombra’s que, every single one of the crew staff joined in song, sans Pinkamena who stood quietly, gritting her teeth. She was racking her brain, trying to remember where the one bread cutting knife was, that didn’t have the sharp point of its end cut off.

Every day we work this grind,

Every day we do not mind,

Cause we earn our bits,

Through the rushing blitz,

We’ll work into over time,

We’ll go even further,

Through the grease and through the grime,

At the Rainbow Burger!

Chrysalis, seeing that Pinkamena wasn’t joining in song, trotted up to her with an impish smirk to ask,

Why the glum face, Pinkamena?

Why don’t you sing with the rest?

You’re like an angry hyena,

Just without its trademark jest.

You’re a worker,

Out of order,

Mind in ponder,

Chrysalis was about to sing, “On Mac’s quarter”, but Pinkamena interjected.

Just on murder.

Chrysalis’s exoskeleton turned a shade paler. She brought herself together and left Pinkamena, sticking her nose in the air.

Lily Valley, having returned to the front counter, greeted the next customer that came in.

Welcome to the Rainbow Burger,

How can I make you happy?

In perfect sync with the music, the customer replied,

Your combos do make me wonder,

I hope your fries aren't crappy,

Lily nodded and with a smile answered,

I promise they are to die for,

Would you like a cupcake too?

The customer thought about it then said,

The offer’s good I can’t ignore,

Though the cupcake I might rue,

Lily assured melodically,

Hey it’s okay,

We will not stray,

We’ll serve today

As long you pay!

“Chorus!” Sombra yelled.

Every day we work this grind,

Every day we do not mind,

Cause we earn our bits,

Through the rushing blitz,

We’ll work into over time,

We’ll go even further,

Through the grease and through the grime,

At the Rainbow Burger!

Every day we work this grind,

Every day we do not mind,

Cause we earn our bits,

Through the rushing blitz,

We’ll work into over time,

We’ll go even further,

Through the grease and through the grime,

At the Rainbow Burger!

“Hey, knock it out!”

Author's Note

Okay...this chapter. Yeah. Originally meant to be two chapters for filler, but I decided to squash em together into one.

It's a filler I felt necessary since the story kinda progressed a little too fast for my tastes, and gave me a chance to add a little foreshadowing. As for the song...eh. It's really fucking hard to write musicals into narration. I'm definitely going to go back and add more verses, cause I want each and every one of the crew staff to have a line, but the meter style I chose might have to change. I'm leaving it as is for now so I can focus on moving on with the story.

Sweep the Floor

Rainbow Burger
by Kel Grym

Three hours went by. Things remained the same. Pinkamena stood by the window taking orders as time dragged on. She peered over into the kitchen where the other ponies worked. She looked at the kitchen floor in disgust.

Lyra needs to sweep.

Pinkamena’s headset beeped.

“Hello, thank you so much for choosing Rainbow Burger, Equestria’s number one family friendly, fast food, soy burger restaurant! How can I make you smile today? Would you be interested in one of our combo deals?” She greeted per her usual cheery manner.

“No, I think I want just a rainbow burger, no cheese.” The voice on the headset said.

“Would you like mayo or mustard with that?”

“Mayo.”

“Okie Dokie Lokie, so that’s just a rainbow burger, mayo, no cheese, with all the vegetables, correct?”

“Yeah. I also want Dr.Pampa and a medium fry with that.”

Pinkamena let go of the intercom button and growled under her breath. The customer just basically asked for a number one combo.

Stupid bucking idiots can’t read the sign!

She pressed the intercom button and said, “Absolutely positively, so that’ll be a number one, mayo and cheese, with a regular Dr.Pampa and medium fries. Would you like a cupcake with that, sir?”

“Um…no, and I didn’t order a number one. Just the rainbow burger with fries and a drink.” The customer responded.

Twit.

“The rainbow burger with fries and a drink is the number one, sir,” Pinkamena replied doing her best not to let any of her contempt seep into her voice.

There was a pause on the other side.

“…Oh. Ok. How much is that?”

“4 bits and 84 bittybits.”

Another pause.

“Do you take dollars?”

Dammit! Bucking out of towner! We don’t take interdimensional currency! We have a sign outside, but obviously you can’t read to begin with! Stupid illiterate fuck head! She screamed inside her head.

“Oh no, I’m so sorry, but unfortunately we only take Equestrian bits. Don’t worry though, if they sign bill 46-C in the Fall, then the franchise plans to accommodate all currencies, but not until then.”

She waited for the customer to respond. He was probably going to leave.

“Oh, alright. That’s cool. Uh, I guess I’ll come back another time,” the customer said and then drove off.

Pinkamena slumped down on the window counter. This was why she hated the window. Idiots. Idiots all the time. Either they’d do what that human did, or they’d take forever making up their minds on what they want then change their mind at the last minute after their meal was halfway done. Pinkamena seen it all and as much as she wanted to tell them off, curse at them, or jump out the window and outright strangle them she couldn’t. Her job demanded it, and her professionalism wouldn’t allow it.

Pinkamena looked at the time on the terminal screen. 9pm. Breaktime. She walked to Sombra’s office and knocked on the door. Sombra poked his head out.

“What do you want?” he asked.

“I’m going on break.”

Sombra blinked. “Didn’t you already go on break?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes I’m sure. You can check the terminal time sheet, if you want.”

Sombra thought about it. He could, but that’d be more work. “I’ll take your word for it. Twenty-two minutes, but that’s it.” He said before ducking back into the office.

Pinkamena rolled her eyes and headed back to the kitchen.

“Hey Big Mac!” she hollered.

The red stallion turned towards Pinkamena.

“I’m going on break. Just make me the usual. I’m about to ring it up.”

“Eeyup,” Big Mac said as he pressed a button on the side of the grill. A frozen patty shot out from the chrome on the back of the wall and on to the grill. Big Mac went over to the sink and dipped his hooves in a sanitation solution before he walked over to the grill on his hind quarters.

Equestria enforced strict equal opportunity laws on all businesses, but sanitation was big deal to humans for some reason. It was probably due to a weaker immune system. Even though a ponies’ mouth did not have near the number of bacteria that human’s had, using a mouth to handle anything that touched food was a big no-no so a lot of changes in the human fast food restaurant model had to be changed to accommodate ponies.

On one side that meant more money for the restaurant to spend, but on the other it actually made the process of getting food out to the customer much quicker. If the machine that shot meat out onto the grill ever malfunctioned, then the managers would have a human or unicorn put a box of patties in the cooler and have them take over the grill and put the earth pony or pegasus somewhere else.

Pinkamena walked over to the terminal at the front counter after she grabbed her book satchel from the hanger wall and punched in her order. She began to put in her employee discount that’d negate the cost when she noticed something strange. She couldn’t find the employee discount button in the functions list.

What? Where did it go?

She could hear Chrysalis snicker behind her.

“Oh what’s wrong? Having a little trouble there?” Chrysalis asked.

Pinkamena turned a wrathful eye on her. “What happened? Why can’t I find my discount?”

A grin spread across Chrysalis’ lips. “There is no employee discount.”

Pinkamena’s expression darkened. “What do you mean there’s no employee discount?”

“Just exactly what I said, Pinkie. New company policy and all that.”

Chrysalis was enjoying this way too much. The things Pinkamena thought about doing to her would make career serial killers wince.

“And I take it since your assistant manager, your discounts still in place?”

Chrysalis chuckled. “Right you are. Looks like you’re just going to have to pay for your meal just like everyone else or bring lunch to work with you.”

Pinkamena fumed then stared off for a moment at the ceiling. She was imagining what bug guts looked like splattered on a semi’s grill. If only changelings didn’t fly.

“Hello, Equestria to Pinkie, are you there?”

Pinkamena snapped out of her fantasy.

“Oh sorry. Just got lost in thought…don’t you think it’s a pity jet’s are banned from Equestria?”

Chrysalis furrowed her brow and said, “I fly to work, of course not! Were you imagining me getting sucked into a jet engine?”

“Something like that. By the way, Big Mac’s already making my burger.”

“Oh really?”

“Really.”

Chrysalis pondered this for a second. Or pretended to.

“Well I guess I’ll just have to tell him to put it on the side and use it for the next customer. Too bad Pinkie, but thanks for telling me.”

Pinkamena was about to chip a tooth.

“Don’t call me Pinkie.”

Chrysalis’ smirked and said, “But that’s what your name ta..”

“Car.”

Chrysalis’ headset beeped. She grimaced and said, “You’ve got 19 minutes left on your break.” She left Pinkamena for the window in a huff.

Pinkamena gave up on her order and went to sit at a table. She couldn’t believe they took the employee discount away. Wasn’t there a law against that? She was furious. The employee discount was the one thing that made her job bearable. Now it was gone.

Greedy no good corporate bigwigs

Laying her head on the table she was already thinking about how she was going to move her budget around. She was seriously thinking about quitting.

Turning her head she noticed the television mounted in the upper corner of the dinning room. A Rainbow Burger commercial was playing on the screen. She saw the colors of the rainbow shoot around different corners of the screen against a black background before it separated in two, morphing into the shape of the company mascot’s mane and tail. The mane and tail moved around the screen as if attached to a pony against the blackness. The invisible pony trotted up to the screen and whispered to the audience.

“Psst. Hey,” the mascot’s voice said on the t.v, “I got an awesome secret to tell you. Can you keep a secret?”

The invisible figured paused then the sound of light switched could be heard clicking on. The black background disappeared with the click revealing a cyan colored pony filling in the space between the prismatic mane and tail standing in front of a Rainbow Burger restaurant.

The company mascot let go of the cartoonish light switch that zipped upwards off screen and exclaimed, “Well I hope not! Cause now you can get our trio of extra large cupcakes for only 3 bits! That’s right! 20% off, 20% cooler cupcake deals are back! Tell everypony, tell everyone!”

Rainbow Dash then flew into the air forming the familiar rainbow arc that was the company’s logo with her rainbow contrail. The rainbow logo with the two clouds connecting the ends lingered on screen as the background turned to black again.

The voice of one of those commercial narrators spoke at the end saying, “20% off, 20% cooler…It’s back.” The commercial ended there and the news came back on.

This is all that bitches’ fault.

The company mascot served to Pinkamena as a symbolic mental punching bag for all her pent up frustration. She thought about several different ways to kill Rainbow Dash. Decapitation, evisceration, drowning, burning and sawing her wings off usually came to mind. She knew it was just an actor with a dyed mane and tail, but it would be gratifying if she could listen to her screams emitting from an oven set to broil. As she mused on these thoughts she heard a tray placed down in front of her.

Looking up she saw her order on the tray and Big Mac beside her.

“I thought Chrysalis told you to set that aside?” Pinkamena asked.

“Eeyup.”

“But won't you…”

“I paid for it,” He said, cutting her off.

Pinkamena smiled.

“You didn’t have to do that. Thanks.”

Big Mac smiled back at her and said, “Don’t mention it.”

She noticed his hat and name tag were gone.

“Already off the clock?”

“Eeyup.”

“Guess I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”

“Eeyup,” Big Mac said as he began to leave. Right before he got to the door he paused. He looked over his shoulder to her and added, “Take it easy, Pinkie.”

She smiled one more time and said, “I’ll try. Thanks again for paying my meal.”

Big Mac nodded at that and left.

She focused her sights on the burger in front of her. She hated these burgers. The burger itself wasn’t that bad, it was just sickening after eating there for so long. She unwrapped the burger from its paper bindings and began to inspect the contents. Aha…just as she thought. Big Mac slipped in some cheese and jalapenos. He always did have her back.

Just as she began to chow down on her meal a turquoise unicorn sat down in the chair across her table. Lyra Heartstrings grinned at Pinkamena.

Pinkamena stared at her. What did this cunt want from her?

“I heard him call you Pinkie.” Lyra said conspiratorially.

She blinked at the unicorn and took a bite out of her burger.

“You don’t let anyone call you Pinkie,” Lyra said. A mischievous smile grew on her face. She continued, “Why didn’t you tell me you two were rutting?”

Pinkamena put her burger down on the table and leveled a look at Lyra that told the unicorn she was a giant moron.

“Lyra…”

“Yes?”

“Big Mac’s my cousin.”

Lyra’s eyes widened and a blush made its way to her cheeks.

“Oh…I didn’t know that. Why haven’t you mentioned it before?”

“Because it’s none of your business. Big Mac never mentioned it to you either…again, because it’s none your business.

Lyra huffed and rolled her eyes. “Yeesh, I get it. I’m sorry.”

Pinkamena ignored Lyra and continued to eat her burger. She hoped that Lyra would just go away and leave her alone in peace.

“Oh, have you seen the new guy? Tom?”

She was wrong. Her eye twitched. She knew better than to ask, but she did anyway.

“Boulder shoulder? What about him?”

Lyra squeed in delight, “He’s been flirting with me! Isn’t that great?”

Disgust ran its cold coarse down Pinkamena’s back. She just stared at Lyra with her nose wrinkled and mouth slightly open as if a Griffon flew down from the sky and took a steaming shit in her cereal. Lyra began to squirm under her gaze.

“Get the fuck away from me.” Pinkamena finally said.

Lyra’s ears fell back against her head, but she quickly recovered.

“Oh I see. You’re one of these bigots that disapprove of human pony relationships.”

“You’re damn right I do.”

Lyra’s eyes widened in shock. She never took Pinkamena as a bigot.

“What are you some kind of speciest?”

Pinkamena thought about how to answer that. Truth be told, she actually was a card carrying member of ENAH (Equestrian natives against humanity). It wasn’t that she thought ponies or any other species was inherently better than another, but every Sunday the group she went to had a potluck. She usually brought a few bags of chips and got to take wholesome home cooked food back to her flat and coffee was always free there.

Also she hated humans, but that was beside the point.

“Lyra, humans are disgusting, disease ridden abominations Epona ditched off in another dimension for a reason.”

Lyra’s jaw dropped and her eyes widened to saucer plates.

“How can you say that!? Humans are great! I mean, yeah, you got good humans and bad humans just like you got good ponies and bad ponies, but they’re not disease ridden!”

“They brought the Hominid Flu with them.”

“That was over two decades ago! They made the vaccine for that and we made a lot of progress in medicine since then! In fact, we’ve made a lot of technological progress because of what they brought over.”

“You call this progress?” Pinkamena asked, gesticulating to the restaurant around them.

Lyra rolled her eyes, “Don’t tell me you’re also one of those types who thought things were better in the stone ages?”

Pinkie stood up from her seat and said, “Humans were already around before our time, so I couldn’t say if things were better in the stone ages, I wouldn’t know, but what I do know is that I would probably sleep better at night if one of their roads didn’t run right by my flat! I mean, shit, maybe if the humans never came to this world to begin with I’d be living in a small backward town running a damn bakery or something, happier than Bob Marwari smoking a blunt of locoweed, but no, I’m stuck in this cesspit working a bucking minimum wage fast food job with a twit who spreads rumors that I rut my cousin, bangs the hominids that turned the world into their personal shit hole and NEVER SWEEPS THE FUCKING FLOORS!”

By now Lyra was shrinking down in her chair as Pinkamena stood towering above her over the table.

“B-but,” Lyra began, trying to gain some ground in the argument, “That’s just the kind of hateful attitude that makes so many problems in society today. We need to love and..”

“Buck love and tolerance!” Pinkamena said as she slammed her hooves on the table.

“Ms.Pie, Language!” Sombra called out from across the counter. “Also, your break is up…get back to work.”

Pinkamena soon became aware of herself and looked around. Luckily for her the dining area was empty or she could have potentially had a lawsuit on her hooves. How did she let herself get out of control like that? She looked down to her burger. It was only half finished. She looked back to Lyra.

“This conversations over. I’m clocking back in. Don’t talk to me for the rest of the day.”

Lyra watched as Pinkamena made her way back to the terminal trying to eat as much of her burger as she could before she clocked in. That entire conversation left a bad taste in her mouth. How did she know she spread that rumor yesterday, anyways?

She was about to get up from the table to use the restroom when she noticed something. Pinkamena left her book satchel beside the chair. Lyra thought to herself that she should return it. As she reached down to pick it up she was suddenly struck with curiosity.

Oh no, I shouldn’t, she thought to herself. Of course, that would be a violation of privacy, and just plain rude. She was just going to pick it up and take it to Pinkamena and be done with it. Yet, just as soon as she decided to do that, she wondered to herself, Why does she always take it with her on break?

Looking to her left, then to her right, then over to the counter where Pinkamena disappeared she opened the flap of the book satchel and peered inside. She saw something strange in there. Making sure no one was looking; she picked up what was inside. It took her a few seconds to realize what she was holding. Slowly, she placed it back into the satchel and closed the flap.

A chill colder than death ran up her spine.

Here comes Tom

Rainbow Burger
by Kel Grym

Lyra stood in front of Pinkamena with the book satchel in hoof.

“H-here. Y-you forgot this,” she said. A tiny bead of sweat made its way down her face.

Pinkamena looked at Lyra. Then she looked at the satchel. She looked at Lyra again, brow raised, eyes squinting.

“Thanks,” she said, putting her satchel up and turning back to her window duties.

Lyra had held her breath for the entire exchange. Her mint colored face was close to turning blue when she finally let herself breath. That was a close one. She turned to go back to finish the rest of her break, in the dining room, when suddenly she heard Pinkamena’s voice behind her.

“You didn’t go through my things did you?”

It felt as if a glacial hand from Tarturus erupted from the ground and latched onto her spine. She knows!, Lyra panicked in her mind. Composing herself quickly, she turned around and said, “Me? Why would I do that? I would never look through anyone’s stuff without permission!”

Lyra winced as Pinkamena’s head suddenly lurched around. Her eyes narrowed and Lyra could feel beams of scrutiny pierce through the secret chambers of her soul. The icy hand on her spine tightened as if to yank her down to eternal damnation.

“I believe you.”

And as suddenly as it appeared the evil hand released Lyra’s spine and descended back into the underworld from whence it came. Her breath came back again as her pounding heart settled.

“Y-you do?”

Pinkamena nodded, saying, “You’re a gossip whore, but not a snoop. That’s something I’d expect bug butt to do.”

Whew!, Lyra mentally congratulated herself, I’m in the clear!

Lyra watched as Pinkamena went back to her window duties. Pinkamena didn’t know. Pinkamena didn’t know that Lyra knew. Now what was she going to do?

As she returned to the dining area to finish the remainder of her break, however, her attention soon turned, through the window, to the red Mercedes speeding towards the parking lot.

“Is that?” she said under her breath.

Her eyes widened. It was.

Lyra squeed in joy.

The man smirked behind his shades as he revved his engine. Punching the gas, he pulled recklessly into the parking lot. The Mercedes’ tires screeched under the force of the sudden left turn then screeched again as he braked hard and skidded into the parking space closest to the restaurants’ side door. He let the engine idle for a bit before he finally killed the ignition and brought his shades down to his nose as he winked into his blue eyed reflection.

“Sexy beast,” he said seductively to his mirror image.

He opened his car door and stepped out running his hand through his short luscious blonde hair, under the overhanging parking lot light. The hair moved through his fingers like water and bounced back a bit after the strands fell away from the slack.

Standing a full six feet in his Rainbow Burger uniform, his body seemed chiseled perfectly from stone into the divine ideal of masculine physical form. Square jaw. Broad Shoulders. Muscular build. He was Adonis, and he carried himself with the same confidence of an ancient Greek god, too.

He flashed a grin full of flawless pearl teeth that reflected sunlight, even during the night, and slowly donned his uniform’s cap before turning to face the Rainbow Burger with his arms akimbo, chest stuck out, and head held high.

“Look out, Rainbow Burger,” his deep voice purred, “Here comes, Tom.”

“He’s here!” Lyra squealed, forgetting the dread in the satchel.

She left a cloud of dust in her wake as she clocked in from her break early, but before she got to the side door entrance near the window, she realized that she would be 'near the window'...where Pinkamena was. The dread came back to her. Lyra looked at the terminal, but it was too late to go back now.

Just act natural and forget about the...thing. This is Tom were talking about here. I need to prioritize.

Lyra walked the rest of the way as naturally as she could to stand by the door. Pinkamena glanced over at Lyra for a moment and rolled her eyes. Soon the door opened and Tom walked in, swinging the door open. As he stepped inside he crossed his arms across his puffed chest.

"Let's get ready to rumble," he said, smirking, a few seconds after the door shut behind him.

Lyra’s eyes glazed over and she began to trip over her words.

“Hom Tey, I-I mean, hey…Tom.”

Tom took off his shades with a flourished sweep of his hand and looked down at the gushing unicorn. He made a gesture of pointing at her with his index finger, thumb sticking out, and made a chk, chk sound as he passed by her.

Lyra melted to the floor with a sigh.

Pinkamena stared at her.

Lyra began to notice Pinkamena’s gaze on her after she shook her self of her lust struck stupor.

“You’re disgusting,” Pinkamena said.

Says the nutjob. Lyra mentally said, before replying, "You're missing out."

Pinkamena wrinkled her nose.

“Are you on the clock?”

“Yes.”

“If you had your head set on, you’d know we need three medium fries and one large down.”

“Pssh, as if were in a rush,” Lyra said as her horn glowed green, and she grabbed a hanging head set from the wall with her telekinetic magic.

“It’s called fast food for a reason,” Pinkamena said.

Lyra rolled her eyes. “You’re not my boss, so don’t talk to me like you are.”

Freaking psycho. Lyra thought.

Pinkamena was looking past her, but Lyra thought she was staring. It was unnerving. She didn't realize what she was staring at until she felt something brush by mane.

“She’s right, though.” Chrysalis said softly in Lyra's ear. She jumped in surprise and spun around.

"Mrs. Shift!"

Chrysalis laughed at the prank she played and said, "And she's right also," directing her comment towards Pinkamena. "I'm the boss. I give the orders...Get back on the fry station," She said to Lyra.

Lyra stood up straight and gave a nervous salute saying, “Yes, maam,” before she dashed to the fry station. Truthfully, she was just glad to get away from Pinkamena.

As they watched Lyra leave, Pinkamena scratched her chin and asked, “I see you put Tom on the board. If he's on board then who's going to be on grill?”

“Bon Bon,” Chrysalis replied, “She needs the practice, and I’ll be taking over her spot at the oven.”

Pinkamena shook her head and said, “That’s stupid.”

Chrysalis sputtered, “W-what?”

“I said that’s stupid.”

Chrysalis rolled her eyes and asked mockingly, “Oh and why, pray tell, O wise mistress of Rainbow Burger ways, is that stupid?”

She didn't get her answer immediately. Chrysalis had to wait for Pinkimena to finish her exchange with the customer before she replied. Ever the professional, Pinkamena left Chrysalis hanging to tend to the customer whenever she could.

“Because,” Pinkamena began after she was done, “Car. Car. Truck. Car. Van. Truck. Car,” she said in rapid precision.

Chrysalis’s eyes widened in comprehension.

A wicked smile played on Pinkamena’s lips.

“…Bus.”

Without hesitation Chrysalis shouted into the kitchen, “Bon Bon, get back to the oven! Tom, get on the grill!”

Their headsets beeped.

Occupants of the bus flooded into the building and even Sombra had to come out of his office to take orders at the front counter and pour a little magic into the grill. The workers on the other side of the kitchen had trouble keeping up. Chrysalis and her crew on the drive-side of the kitchen fared no better. The local polo team just won a big game.

Polo was serious business in Equestria. Human children ages 7-12 rode on pony back trying to knock a plastic ball with a mallet into the other team’s goal. It represented a trust between pony and human. Children on pony back were under the care of their rides on the field and the rides made sure things didn’t get too rough and everyone had fun.

However to Pinkamena it was just another symbol of pony subjugation to humanity. What better symbol could there be than the children of the master race being carried on the backs of ponies?

“Woo! Go Timberwolves!” Tom called out from the kitchen.

Pinkamena really didn’t like that guy.

A few of the kids cheered back at him, “Timber wolves, for the cup!”

Bon-Bon had a difficult time on her end. Orders for cupcakes came non-stop. Child or foal, it didn’t matter. Kid’s loved their cupcakes. Luckily, for the newbie, she was taken off grill at the last minute or else she would have been demolished. Hopefully, the rush hadn’t dissuaded her from her career choice at Rainbow Burger.

She’d be smart to cut her losses and run., Pinkamena thought.

Pinkamena had her own troubles at the window. She had to deal with three customers that were given the wrong order, two that didn’t know what a number one combo was, four that changed their mind at the last minute, and one that tried to pay in extra-dimensional currency again, and three others that were just rude to her.

As grueling as the two hour rush had been, Tom was still in high spirits. He took it all in stride and performed admirably for someone so fresh to the job. Pinkamena wondered if he had any prior experience. Tom must have felt her thinking about him, because after things started to slow down he came over to talk to her.

“So…” Tom began, “That was pretty intense, huh?”

She turned to look at him briefly. He was leaning against the edge of her terminal’s counter with one hand and the other was resting on his hip. He wore his sunglasses through the entire ordeal.

“Don’t you ever take those off?” She asked.

“Take what off? These?” He asked, pointing to his glasses, “Or these?” He pointed to his slacks.

Was this douche bag flirting with her? Or was he just full of himself? Pinkamena took a moment to let it sink in what he said. She decided it was both. She was about to say something along the lines of sexual harassment when opened his mouth again.

“I kid, I kid. The answer is yes.” He said as he took of his shades in that single choreographed motion he used before on Lyra. “To both.” He finished, flashing a cocky grin.

She couldn’t believe this steroid pumped ape.

“You know I’ve noticed you the past couple of days. You really know how to work the window over there, and I think the way you get under the assistant manager’s exoskeleton is really cool,” he said, drawing out the words ‘really’ and ‘cool’.

“Look at you, using big words.”

Tom chuckled. “Ooh, feisty. I like that.”

“I bet you would.”

“Well you could say I have a thing for Pie.”

Pinkamena blinked a bored look at him and said, “That’s cute, Tom. Back when I was in high school.” This prick had already gone too far. Time to drop the hammer.

“Make a sexual innuendo out of my name again and I’ll file sexual harassment charges so hard on you, you’ll be fishing you’re food out of a dumpster faster than that thing you drive outside to compensate for your dick size will be put on sale to pay for the cardboard box you’ll be living in,” she threatened in a sharp, even voice.

“Woah, now. Easy there, Nelly,” he began, holding up his hands in mock defense, “I’m just trying to be friendly…besides,” he put his shades back on in an exact reverse of his previous motion, “Even if you did, you’d just be wasting your time.” He ended, with a smug undertone in his voice.

Pinkamena raised an eyebrow. “Oh, really?”

“Really,” he explained, “Do you know what my last name is?”

“Bottom feeder?”

“Allwhite,” Sombra said, suddenly appearing besides the two.

“Allwhite?” Pinkamena muttered under her breath.

Sombra put his hoof around Tom’s shoulder as if the two had been best friends for years and said, “This fine strapping young man right here is an Allwhite. Damn fine worker too.”

Pinkamena was confused. She saw the schedule earlier in the day and knew that Tom was suppose to be at work ten minutes before Big Mac’s shift ended. Tom was over ten minutes late, and Sombra was always all over his employees glutes, haunches, flanks, and asses about punctuality. Why was he acting all chummy with him?

Allwhite…Allwhite. Pinkie raked her brain trying to make the connection.

Her eyes lit up with realization. It couldn’t be.

She asked, “You mean to tell me he’s an Allwhite, as in a Krisp G. Allwhite kind of Allwhite?”

Sombra beamed with pride. “He sure is! Heir to the whole Rainbow Burger Empire!” Sombra exclaimed with a hoof gesturing towards everything around them. “And it’s an honor to have him aboard the team, isn’t that right sonny boy!”

Tom’s hand went to the bill of his hat as he flashed a grin and puffed his chest out saying, “It sure is.”

She didn’t let it show, but the revelation blew her away. Krisp G. Allwhite and Dona W. Brimsha were both the reclusive co-founders of the Rainbow Burger franchise. Rumor had it that Brimsha died in a terrible accident and Krisp stepped down as acting CEO of the company, placing it in the hooves of some unicorn no one really knew much about. She never heard anything about a son.

“Well,” Pinkamena said, “Don’t that beat all?”

Sombra pat Tom on the back and said to him, “Why don’t you take a load off and grab something to eat, while I talk to Pinkie Pie here. It’s on the house, you deserve a break!”

“Sure thing,” Tom said smirking, “I could use a little break. Forty five minutes?”

Sombra scoffed and said, “Take a whole hour off! That was a big rush and you could use some extra time to recuperate.”

“Oh I don’t mean to brag, but,” Tom said with a wink towards Pinkamena, “I don’t tire real easily.”

She glowered at him.

“But if you think I should, I guess it wouldn’t hurt. See you in an hour Mr. Darkheart…you too Pinkie Pie,” He said with a lewd look hidden behind his shades as he walked off into the dining area.

After he was gone, Sombra turned to Pinkie with a dark look. His eyes were glowing a furious green.

“Just what in Tartarus do you think you’re doing?” Sombra asked in a steel edged voice.

Pinkamena recoiled at the sudden change. She’s seen Sombra mad before, but never like this. Her brow furrowed and she met Sombra with her own burst of outrage.

“What am I doing? What are you doing!? That freak of nature shouldn’t be here!” She yelled her vehemence in Sombra’s face.

“What am I doing? Think! That’s the son of Krisp G. Allwhite! I’m trying to keep us from all being canned!”

“You mean you’re trying to hobnob with the big boss’s son like a good corporate sock puppet so you can help your own flank.”

Sombra’s temper flared. “Maybe you don’t realize this, but one word from Tom and we’ll be the one’s eating from a dumpster. You do realize how stupid that was in hindsight, don’t you?”

Pinkamena’s jaw dropped. Words nearly failed her.

“S-stupid?...stupid!”

Sombra realized he may have made a mistake. He began to take a few steps back and considered the look of bloody murder Pinkamena shot through him.

“Let’s start this from the top,” She said, “I start the day with you busting my chops for being a minute late. Then you had to go and give me that stupid name tag using that name that I’ve told you time after time to stop calling me, which you haven’t by the way, and then pretty boy here shows up late, hits on me, calls me Nelly, calls me Pinkie, eyes me like a piece of meat, and you mean to tell me he doesn’t even get a slap on the wrist? I’m within my rights!”

Sombra winced at the verbal onslaught. For a moment he looked a little guilty.

“Pinkamena,” he said, “I understand why you’re upset, but this is a delicate situation. I don’t like it anymore than you, but the sad fact is that’s the way the world works."

The way the world works, indeed. She knew it to be an undeniable fact of life, but loathed it all the same.

"Please be reasonable, and try not to let him get to you. He’s only funning around, anyways.”

She raised an eyebrow at this.

“Funning around?”

“Funning around,” he reassured her.

She closed her eyes, gritted her teeth, and began to shake. Sombra considered using Lyra as a meat shield to protect himself from possible assault. As suddenly as it started however, it ended. For all appearances, Pinkamena became very calm.

“Fine.”

Sombra blinked. “Fine?”

“Yes, fine. I’ll put up with this human shit, just like I put up with everything else, but…” She trailed off.

Sombra wondered what she was getting at.

“If I catch him funning around anywhere near my flat, I’m running him through with a chainsaw. No questions asked. And if one of the girls here ends up missing, or dead in a ditch, I don’t care. It’s on your head. You deal with it.”

Sombra gulped at that.

“That sounds…fair enough. But I don’t think it’s going to come to that.”

Pinkamena thrust her face into Sombra’s yelling, “It better bucking not!”

She brought in her rage again. She took a step back and breathed in and out a few times with purpose,

Finally she said, "I want a raise."

Sombra’s eye twitched. “You want a what, now?”

The night had finally dwindled to its end and Lyra walked towards her car. It had been a rough patch, but everything was going to be alright. Despite Tom making googly eyes with Pinkamena, instead of her, she could finally put as much distance between her and that crazy pink pony to figure out what she was going to do.

Lyra unlocked her car door and stepped inside the mint colored Campolina 100. It was a low budget Equestrian model with specialized seats for ponies. The model didn't come with a lot of features, but it had what mattered to her. Good gas mileage, magically rechargeable battery, air conditioning and a radio.

Cars were seen as a strange thing when they were first introduced to Equestria. The machine was a wonder, to be sure, but redundant. A skilled enough unicorn could take a single wooden wagon and automate it with ease, using a 'come to life' spell. However as time progressed, cars became a popular fad. 'A come to life spell' could only take a wagon so far and would run out of magical power long before a car would run out of fuel. Recent advances in technology with magically enhanced ethanol fuel rendered fossil fuels obsolete, making automobiles environmentally friendly, thus popular and convenient for magical and non magical Equestrians.

Lyra started her car and began her 20 minute drive back to her apartment.

Honestly, what does he see in that psychopath? Lyra thought, remembering how Tom attempt to woo Pinkamena at work.

She was as surprised as Pinkamena when she overheard that he was an Allwhite, though. A mare could count herself lucky indeed if someone as prestigious as that showed any interest in her at all. Lyra couldn't understand why Pinkamena was so uptight. If she wasn't a such a bigot she could have him eating out of her hoof and be living in a mansion!

Really dropped the ball on that one, Pinkie.

As her thoughts turned back to the mare in question, Lyra felt a pit grow in her stomach. What was she going to do about what she found in that book satchel? Call the police? If Pinkamena ever found out she'd kill her!

Relax Lyra, she doesn't know and it probably wasn't real anyways. It was just a plastic replica, there's no way that could have been a real skull. Lyra tried to convince herself. It wasn't working. Her mom worked as a mortician for ten years, that was definitely a real pony skull...but who's?

Lyra needed something to take her mind off things and switched the radio on.

Tonight on PNRC, the newscaster began on the radio, the eco-terrorist known as Fluttershy was subdued around 5pm by local authorities, after staging a hostage situation in order to prevent the city from razing a condemned part of the Everfree park. Not but an hour into her custody, the police van was found abandoned on the side of the road. Bear prints and blood splatter indicate...

"Yuck! Why would I want to listen to that?" Lyra said to herself as she changed the channel.

A soft jazzy melody started to play on the air, and Lyra smiled to herself. This was something that could calm her nerves on the road.

As she drove, shadow and light alternated on the road from the overhead street lamps. It had an hypnotic effect. Every time she passed under a street light, the interior of her car became dimly illuminated before being plunged in shadow again. She was beginning to think a trick was being played on her eyes. She could have sworn she saw something flash in her mirror, but it was gone. She started to look behind her seat to make sure, but as soon as she did she veered off road. She turned back, quickly correcting herself.

Suddenly, as she passed under another street lamp she felt that cold hand of death, that she felt earlier in the day, lay its clutches around her spine. That one fading glimpse of Pinkamena's wild eyed reflection in her rear view mirror was the only warning she got before a pink hoof shot out around her seat and held a cloth to her mouth.

As she struggled and ran off course, everything slowly faded to black.

Skull

Rainbow Burger
by Kel Grym

Darkness. There was only Darkness. Peaceful and serene like the first days in the womb.

“Wake up!”

Splash!

And suddenly Lyra was ripped from that dark womb and into a very cold, wet world.

“Aah!” Lyra yelled as icy shock jolted her awake. She looked around franticly before her eyes finally settled on Pinkamena.

“Pinkie!?”

Pinkamena stood in front of Lyra out of her uniform. She was wearing a black hoodie and holding a pail in her hooves.

“Didn’t I tell you not to call me that?” She said.

Lyra realized she was sitting in a chair in a dark room with a single over head lamp. The floors were wooden and the walls had ugly, stained blue and white striped wallpaper. There was a bed with a nightstand in the corner and a few magazines littered the ground, but otherwise the room was sparsely decorated. Lyra felt her hooves tied behind her back and her lower hooves bound together.

Terror spread out through Lyra’s body, as a sudden onset of adrenaline kicked her heart rate into overdrive. Lyra looked everywhere for an escape, but the only window in the room was boarded up and Pinkamena stood in between her and the plywood door that served as the only exit.

“W-why are you doing this?” she asked, fear oozing in her voice.

Pinkamena stared at her with eyes completely devoid of emotion and sympathy, like a judge before deciding on a convict’s fate.

“You looked,” she said, as if it were an automatic death sentence.

Lyra paled. It felt as if her stomach dropped all the way to a bottomless pit that would soon serve as her grave.

“No! I didn’t see anything, I swear!”

“You’re lying.”

Oh No! This is it! She’s going to torture me and chop me up in little pieces! Someone help me, I’m too young to die! Lyra thought to herself as the gravity of her situation settled completely in.

“Look,” she said, sobbing in between breaths, “I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry I spread that rumor you and Big Mac were rutting, I’m sorry I don’t always sweep the floors, and I’m sorry I looked in your satchel! Just please, please, please don’t kill meeeaah haaa ha haaa!” She bawled, tears streaming down freely from her face.

Pinkamena rolled her eyes. She picked her satchel off the floor and opened the flap, pulling out the pony skull that was inside.

“Lyra.”

“Bwahaa haa haa!”

“Lyra.”

“Haaa! sniff, haa haa!”

“LYRA!”

Lyra stopped crying long enough to see what Pinkamena was doing. Lyra recoiled at the sight of the skull being held up to her face. Its hollow eye sockets held nothing, but promise of grim inevitability.

“Ew! Get it away, get it away!” she screamed, turning her head as far away from the skull as possible.

Pinkamena sighed. “Lyra…say hello to Applejack.”

Lyra looked at the skull from the corner of her eye.

“Sniff…Huwha?”

“Say hello to Applejack,” Pinkamena said more slowly this time.

Lyra looked around slightly confused. She was ponynapped out of her car, didn’t know where she was, afraid for her life, and at the mercy of a psychopath. What else was she to do?

“Eh..h-hello…Applejack?”

There was a long pause. Lyra wasn’t sure what to expect.

“Well howdy, partner! Nice to meet you!”

Lyra stared at the skull in Pinkamena’s hooves for what seemed like forever. Twin orange lights dimly shone through its sockets.

“What’s the matter?” it said, “Cat got yer tongue?”

Lyra screamed.

Darkness again. It was comforting. Safe.

“Wake up!”

Splash!

“Aah!” Lyra screamed as she was jolted awake again.

“Stop screaming or I’ll chloroform you again!”

“Please don’t kill me!”

“She’s not gonna kill ya, sugarcube,” The skull said.

Lyra looked at the skull, with saucer plate eyes. It was perched on a tall stool, nearly eye level, right by her. Lyra started screaming again.

“Talking skull!”

Pinkamena sighed. She dabbed chloroform on the cloth.

Splash!

“Mph!” Lyra tried to scream. She was gagged this time. Looking around, again, she found Pinkamena in front of her with the same pale. Applejack’s skull was still on the stool.

“Pinkie, quit drenchin the poor mare, she’s soakin wet.”

“It’s my favorite part,” Pinkamena said to the skull.

Lyra let out another muffled scream.

“Is she gonna be like this all the time?

“Well, I did ponynap her.”

“Told ya it was a bad idea.

“Well what was I suppose to do, she could’ve gone to the police!”

“You coulda just told her when she went to the bathroom.”

“That’s just dumb, AJ. She would have just screamed and start a panic at the restaurant.”

“And chloroformin a pony while they’re drivin is a smart idea? I ain’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, but that’s just plain stupid.”

“Hey, I caught the wheel in time! We didn’t wreck.”

“Sure did put a good scratch in her car though.”

Lyra stopped screaming. She just stared at the two now.

Pinkamena, noticing Lyra had calmed down, looked her up and down and asked, “Are you done screaming? I have neighbors you know.”

Lyra nodded.

“Okay,” she said, “That’s good. I wanna get this over with. If I remove the gag, you’re not going to start screaming for help or anything like that? Cause, if you do I’m just going to chloroform you again. Understand?”

Lyra nodded, again.

“Good.”

As soon as Pinkamena removed the gag, Lyra laid into her.

“You scratched my bucking car, you bitch!?” Lyra yelled as her eye brows snapped into furrows, her teeth flared, and muscles in her neck flexed with rage.

Pinkamena winced at the volume as her ears flattened against her head. She didn’t expect that.

“Do you know how much that’s going to cost me to fix!?” Lyra continued, “I just got a new paint job for it too!”

Pinkamena growled and said, “Are you for real? I got you tied up in my room with a haunted skull that talks, and all you care about is your car?”

“You’re damn right! That’s the best car I’ve ever had! I paid 4200 bits for that thing!”

“It’s a piece of hunking shit! I wouldn’t have paid anything over 1000 for it!” Pinkamena blared back, her face now contorting in its own acrobatics of agitation.

“It’s a gas saver!”

“It’s a lemon!”

“Well, your room smells!”

A confused look crossed Pinkamena’s face.

“What?”

“Girls!” Applejack yelled, “Can we just stop the bickerin and get back to the matter at hoof?”

Lyra and Pinkamena stopped to stare at Applejack. Then they looked at each other.

“Pinkamena?” Lyra asked.

“Yeah?”

“Why do you have a talking skull? And also, are you still going to kill me?”

Pinkamena sighed. “No Lyra, I’m not going to kill you.”

“Promise?”

“I don’t make promises, Lyra.”

Lyra didn’t know how to feel about that, but Applejack quickly interjected, “Lyra, Pinkie here isn’t going to kill you, she’s a lot of things but she ain’t a murderer, and I ain’t one to ever tell ya a lie. You can believe in me, sugarcube, everything is gonna be ok. Promise.”

She didn’t know why, but hearing the skull’s words, as strange as that was, comforted her a great deal. Something about the character in the skull’s voice reassured her that everything was going to be all right…unless it was casting a spell on her. At this point, anything was believable. Why stop at talking skulls?”

“Besides,” Applejack added, “Pinkie knows that if she did anything to really hurt you, I’d haunt her flanks off.”

“You’re already haunting me, “Pinkamena said out the corner of her mouth.

Applejack chuckled.

“Okay,” Lyra said, “But that still doesn’t answer my one question. Why do you have a haunted skull?”

Pinkamena put a hoof to her chin and said, “Well that’s kinda a long story.”

Lyra gave Pinkamena a deadpanned look.

“I’m tied to a chair.”

“Oh, yeah,” Pinkamena said, as if noticing for the first time. Lyra was still in her uniform, soaking wet, and her hooves were probably chaffing from the rope.

Applejack laughed and said, “You know, how bout we untie our guest first and give her a towel, before we all sit down for story time?”

After Lyra dried up, the girls decided to continue their conversation in the living room. Lyra noticed that the living room was in no better condition that Pinkamena’s room. The ceiling was stained brown, obviously from constant exposure to cigarette smoke, and the sickly green carpet had burn holes in various places. There wasn’t one single piece of furniture that didn’t look like it wasn’t a hand-me-down or bought a flea market.

Lyra and Pinkamena sat on the brown, itchy sofa in the living room. Applejack’s skull rested on a stained coffee table in front of them. Pinkamena’s hooves hung off the sofa, but Lyra’s remained curled protectively under her. There was a monster on the floor.

Pinkamena looked at Lyra staring at her alligator in trepidation.

“Oh.” She said, “You noticed, Gummy?”

“T-that thing has a name?”

“That thing is my pet.”

“It’s huge!”

Indeed, Gummy was big. Four and a half feet long, Gummy wasn’t the largest of gators, but large enough to be of concern to anyone that valued their limbs.

“Pfft, he’s just a baby,” Pinkamena said as she scratched the gator’s head.

“Just a baby!?” Lyra exclaimed.

“Yeah, they get a lot bigger in the sewers.”

“That’s just a myth!”

Pinkamena smirked.

“Where do you think I got Gummy?”

Lyra stared. “You’re kidding, right?”

Pinkamena shook her head.

“It’s true.” Applejack piped in.

Lyra opened her mouth as if to say something, but decided against it. She looked at the gator on the floor. It blinked. Probably a sign it was going to eat her. Lyra hugged herself further into the couch.

“You can relax,” Pinkamena said, “He doesn’t have any teeth.”

“N-no teeth?”

“Yeah. No teeth. Not that he’s harmless; alligators have a bite pressure of 2125 pounds of force. He can’t kill you, but he’ll definitely leave a bruise…probably break a bone.”

Lyra gulped.

“Oh stop scaring her.” Applejack said, “Gummy wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

Lyra wasn’t too sure, but she tried to relax anyway. It wasn’t easy considering she was in her ponynapper’s home talking to a haunted skull. She looked at the alligator again and it just continued to stare off into emptiness.

“Um,” Lyra began, “So…Applejack?”

“Yup, that’s me!” the skull said.

“You’re like…a ghost right?”

“Pretty much sums it up.”

Pinkamena said, “I thought that much was apparent already.”

“Hey this isn’t easy for me! I never talked to a ghost before, what am I suppose to say? It’s weird!”

“Yeah, Pinkie, this is all new to her. Let her take this at her own pace.” AJ said.

Pinkamena rolled her eyes and said, “Fine, whatever. Let’s just get this over with.”

Lyra turned to Applejack and asked, “So…um. How do you know Pinkamena?”

“We're cousins!” Applejack said with pride in her voice.

Lyra’s eyes widened. Cousins? She turned to Pinkamena to ask, but before she could open her mouth Pinkamena answered, “Yeah, She’s also Big Mac’s sister.”

Lyra thought on this for a moment then started to ask, “D-does Big Mac…”

“No, he doesn’t know,” Pinkamena said, then added with an edge to her voice, “We’d like to keep it that way.”

Lyra digested her words. It was already a lot to take in. Pinkamena had Big Mac’s haunted sister’s skull and he didn’t know. To the gossip inclined unicorn, that was a big juicy nugget of information, but she could tell by the way Pinkamena’s eyes shot daggers at her that she was expecting something from her.

“So…I’m guessing you want me to keep this a secret,” Lyra said with an awkward laugh.

“You think?”

“Pinkie, quit intimidating the poor thing!” Applejack scolded.

Pinkie sighed. She crossed her hooves turning her away before she let out a resigned, “Fine.”

Lyra scratched the back of her head and said, “Heh, you’re pretty nice…for a dead pony…heh, heh.”

Applejack would have smiled if she could.

“Well,” she said, “it ain’t nothin. Just raised right was all.”

Lyra thought about her next question. With a little trepidation she began to ask, “So, Applejack. If you don’t mind my asking, and you totally don’t have to tell me if you don’t want, but um…how did…how did…”

“I die?” Applejack finished for her.

Lyra felt a little embarrassed for even bringing it up. “Um…yeah,” she said sheepishly.

“Griffon war.”

Lyra’s eyes widened as her mouth made an O shape. She didn’t expect that.

“Took a bullet to the knee,” Applejack continued, “then got mangled under some siege weaponry.”

“Ouch.”

Lyra noticed Pinkamena hiding a smirk behind her hoof as she mumbled something about ‘apple flapjacks.’

Applejack noticed too and said, “That ain’t funny anymore Pinkie!”

“I can’t help it,” she snickered.

“What?” Lyra asked.

Applejack sighed. Lyra imagined that if she still had eyes, they would have been rolled.

“I was under the ground for a long while,” Applejack began to recount, “I don’t rightly know for how long, but I started to get the hang of being dead, so I called out for help.”

“Help?” Lyra asked.

“She started sending me messages,” Pinkamena answered, “I kept on seeing Applejack in my dreams. Sometimes I was at work or at home and I could remember seeing her in a window or hear her calling my name from behind a door.”

“It took a while for her ta get the message,” Applejack said.

“It wasn’t until the dream I had where Applejack appeared in the drive-thru window at work and told me to stop goofing around and grab a shovel that I figured it out.”

“Took you long enough.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault you were so vague with you’re messages!”

“I’m a ghost! We’re supposed to be cryptic!”

“Cryptic? What about that time you just popped your melted head out of the fryer and screamed my name at the top of your lungs!? What’s so cryptic about that?”

Applejack chuckled. “That was just for fun.” She explained.

“Figures,” Pinkamena said through gritted teeth.

“Aw, don’t be that way. Remember that song you used to sing?”

“Shut up, AJ.”

“Wait,” Lyra interrupted, “So you actually went to dig her up?”

Pinkamena nodded, and Applejack said, “Eeyup!”

Lyra turned to Applejack and blinked. She really was Big Mac’s sister. “So what happened then?” She asked.

“Well,” Applejack said, “Ya know Pinkamena. As soon as she dug me up and got over the whole talking skull thing, she started crackin jokes and calling me ‘Flap Jack’! It was a closed casket funeral for a reason.”

“I thought it was funny,” Pinkamena said.

“Consarnit, Pinkie! I’m a war veteran, there aint nothin funny about being smooshed under 18 tons of steel!”

“AJ, they got everything except your head. You literally looked like a moldy pancake that went out of date back when Celestia hit puberty.”

“Ew..” Lyra squeaked, scrunching up her nose.

“Pssh,” Pinkamena started, “You think that’s gross? I had to go down there and grab her skull. There was still hide and rot around it, not the mention the maggots wheeling their way through her nasal cavity.”

Lyra’s coat turned an extra shade of green as she began to gag.

“Yeah, I’d appreciate if you spared her the details about that…” Applejack grumbled.

It was a strange feeling for Lyra. Only a few minutes ago she was tied up to a chair and sure that she was going to die. Now she was sitting with the mare she thought was going to kill her and her dead cousin, while they poked barbs at each other about dreams and decomposing flesh. How did her life turn into a macabre comedy so fast? She wasn't even sure about how she should feel about all of it. What was she going to do now?

"So...why do you take Applejack to work with you?" Lyra asked.

"We have break-ins." Pinkamena said, "That's why we don't have a television anymore."

"And besides that, I get bored collecting dust in Pinkie's room." Applejack added.

"Huh, well I guess that makes sense," Lyra said.

For a moment there was an awkward pause. No one wanted to address the big question that was on everyone's mind. What were they going to do, now that Lyra was in on the secret?

Before anypony said anything else, the sound of crunching popcorn filled the room. All eyes turned to the short, blonde woman sitting across the coffee table with the bag of popcorn in her hands. Her hair was done up in pigtails and she was wearing baggy, denim overalls over a striped pink and black, long sleeve shirt.

They all stared at her. Nopony saw her come in.

"So are we going to have a sleep over?" The woman asked.

Pinkamena ran a hoof over her face and said, "Meagan...I told you to stay in your room."

"But I wanted to meet you're new friend!"

"She's not my friend!"

"Then who is she?"

"Woah woah woah," Lyra said waving her hooves in front of her "Hold on a second here, Pinkamena who the hay is this?"

Pinkamena desperately wanted to avoid this situation with Lyra, but there seemed no avoiding it now. She sighed and resigned herself to introductions.

"Lyra, this is Meagan; Meagan this is Lyra...Meagan's my roomate."

"You're roomate!?" Lyra exlaimed.

"My roomate." Pinkamena affirmed.

"But she's human!"

Pinkamena looked towards Meagan. She was still happily munching away at her popcorn, while wearing her ever present smile. She noticed Meagan put her shirt on backwards again, today.

Pinkamena turned back to Lyra and said, "She's alright."

"I thought you hated humans!"

"She pays her half of the rent."

Lyra gave out an exasperated sigh and leaned back into the sofa covering her face with her hooves.

What have I gotten myself into!?

"Meagan," Applejack said.

"Yes?"

"Go get the spare mattress. It's gonna be one of those nights."

Author's Note

I'm glad I got to introduce Meagan and Applejack (who was surprised?) but I feel like I've rushed this part of the story. I'm plan on going back and adding a couple of filler chapters between chapter one and two.

I wanted to go with a kind of clerksy sort of humor and the story will go back to it, but as soon as I had this idea for Applejack I just had to do it, since it plays a very integral part in how I want this story to end. In fact, I know exactly how I want this story to end, the challenge I'm facing is balancing the essence of the story's original theme with everything that's going to be going on with all the little story arc seeds I'm planting.

Anyways, I'll figure it out. This chapter isn't perfect, and I'm probably going to go back and do some major retcon if I don't like how things are going, but we'll see.

Signs

Rainbow Burger
By Kel Grym

For reasons beyond her understanding, Lyra decided to stay the night. Applejack assured her that she didn’t have to stay if she didn’t want to, but Meagan had already dragged the mattress out and had that excited look in her eye that was hard to say no to. It was late and Lyra needed non-chloroform induced sleep.

Meagan, having taken an immediate liking towards Lyra, invited her to sleep in her room, however Pinkamena stepped in and insisted that Lyra slept in her’s. Meagan pouted about it, but Pinkamena wasn’t budging on the issue. Lyra was a gossip, and Meagan...tended to say what was on her mind no matter what that was. Pinkamena wasn’t taking any chances.

Inside Pinkamena’s room, Lyra looked it over top to bottom again. Magazines and comic books littered the floor. Looking at Pinkamena’s bed, she failed to realize when she was first in the room just how many blankets Pinkamena had.

Geez, it’s summer. Doesn’t she get hot under all those blankets?

Lyra took a closer look at one of the comics on the floor. She wrinkled her nose. It was an issue of ‘Cinder’. She remembered the original movie ‘Cinder Bella’. It was one of her favorite movies as a foal. What little filly wouldn’t like about a story of a young waifs magical journey from abject slavery to princess-hood? She remembered countless nights play acting all her favorite scenes with her dolls and begging her mother to let her stay up a little longer, because the prince hadn’t found out who the crystal horseshoe belonged too, yet.

‘Cinder’, however, was one of those tasteless, dark, grim, and bloody reboots that took her favorite foalhood icons and turned them into psycho killers. She couldn’t understand the fascination with the genre. Why would you take something innocent like that, a cartoon meant for foals, and turn it into something so horrible? It figured Pinkamena was into that kind of thing.

Lyra tore her eyes from the comic book and started making her bed for the night. As she did so, she casually glanced at the nightstand and froze. Her pupils constricted and adrenaline set springs beneath her hooves.

“Eek!”

Applejack was resting on it. She never saw Pinkamena bring her in, and she wasn’t there before. She just appeared.

“How did you do that?” Lyra asked, hairs still standing on end.

“Moved,” Applejack said. Lyra could almost feel Applejack’s non existent shoulders shrug.

“How? Do you float or something?”

“Nope.”

“But…”

“It’s hard ta explain the technicalities.”

“Technicalities?”

“It’s a ghost thing.”

Applejack. Everything that happened to Lyra, thus far, had been due to Applejack. When she said it was ‘a ghost thing’ the reality of it finally sank down. A real ghost. Or haunted skull. Whichever, it didn’t matter, it was just too surreal. By now she should have called the police on Pinkamena for abducting her, but suddenly everything changed when she heard Applejack speak for the first time.

“Wow. I still can’t believe I’m talking to a real live ghost,” Lyra said, rubbing her brow. She couldn’t believe in most of the things happening to her. Like spending the night with her abductor. She wondered if this was what stockholm syndrome felt like.

“Live?” Applejack chuckled, “Now yer just tryin ta flatter me.”

“It gets old, after a while. Trust me,” Pinkamena said as she went to open the bedroom door. Gummy scampered in as soon as she did. Lyra started to freak out.

Lyra jumped onto Pinkamena’s bed. “W-what are you doing!?”

“Letting Gummy in.”

“Why?”

“Gummy always sleeps with me.”

Of course you do, Lyra thought.

“And you expect me to sleep in the same room...on the floor?”

“He’s not going to maul you in your sleep. He’ll be in bed with me,” Pinkamena said. When she glanced over to Lyra she was no longer on the bed and where her mattress was, there was only bare floor. Looking around the room, she found Lyra had moved her mattress as far away as possible from her bed.

Pinkamena arched an eyebrow. “Really?”

“Really!”

That night Lyra found sleep difficult. A hundred different questions raced through her brain. She always assumed Pinkamena was just a pony with a bad attitude and a possible nut job...well that much was still true. Talking skulls never fit in the picture.

Or pet gators.

Lyra peered over her shoulder again. Thankfully, Gummy was still in bed with Pinkamena. To her continued horror, Gummy still slept with one eye open. Lyra turned back over and shuddered. She kept reminding herself that Gummy didn’t have any teeth.

If I don’t move, He probably won't see me.

Lyra tried her best to remain still. It was vital to her continued existence that she didn’t move. If she didn’t move, Gummy couldn’t see her. The logic was sound and foolproof.

But what if he can smell me! Aren't gators, like, super patient predators? He’s probably just biding his time until I go to sleep!

Lyra peered over her shoulder again. Gummy was still in the bed with one eye open. Its gaze hadn’t shifted from its spot on the ceiling one iota. She turned back around.

Maybe, I’m overreacting. I’m too big for Gummy to eat. He seems pretty docile. If he didn’t sleep with one eye open, he’d almost be cute.

Lyra tried to resist the urge to look over her shoulder again. Eventually, she caved and peered back at Gummy. She regretted it. Gummy’s saurian eye was staring right back at her. Lyra whipped back around under her blankets.

He’s staring at me!

Lyra began to shiver under her blankets. At first she thought it was fear, but she realized that the temperature had dropped substantially. Soon, she heard the most terrifying sound that had ever reverberated in her eardrums. It was like listening to the distant, ancient howl of a pack of extinct timberwolves and a manticore’s death rattle at the same time, while alone in a cemetery. Lyra soon realized the source of the chilling sound.

Applejack was snoring. Somehow.

H-how does a ghost even snore! Why do they even need to sleep!

Lyra curled her body tighter into herself, trying to conserve warmth. The temperature fluctuated at every ethereal breath Applejack took. The spectral snoring wasn’t very loud, that wasn’t the issue. The sound itself was just downright terrifying. How did Pinkamena sleep like this? As her teeth chattered, Lyra had a funny thought.

Pinkamena must save a fortune on air conditioning…no wonder she has so many blankets on her bed!

So focused Lyra was on the temperature and the Lovecloptian sounds Applejack was making she had forgotten all about Gummy. That is until she felt a scaley snout poke her side under the covers. Fear paralyzed Lyra. Distracted by Applejack, she never notice the gator hop off of Pinkamena’s bed. Gummy snaked his reptilian frame under Lyra’s covers and curled himself around Lyra’s shivering body. Too terrified to move or make a peep, Lyra held her breath, and remained as motionless as possible.

Gummy laid his long head on the crook of Lyra’s neck and nuzzled against her.

Lyra whimpered.

It was a long night.

Two mares, a human, and a skull sat around a plastic table in the living room, each with a bowl of cereal. Except for Applejack. An awkward silence hung in the air.

Thankfully there was Meagan.

“So, Lyra,” She began, speaking in between bites, “Did you sleep good last night.”

Lyra turned her bloodshot eyes to Meagan. “Perfectly!” she answered with a fake grin. Looking down at her empty mug she then asked, “Do you guys got anymore coffee?”

“Yeppers!” Meagan shouted, “I’ll be right back.” Meagan left the table to get the pot.

Pinkamena ate slowly, eyes glued to her cereal. She appeared to be deep in thought, but on what, Lyra could only guess. It was a weird night for all of them and both Lyra and Pinkamena were going to have to go to work soon. Lyra agreed to let things go, and not snitch on Pinkamena, given the circumstances, but there was still an uneasiness that lingered on her mind. Pinkamena finally looked from her cereal, to Lyra.

“So we’re good, right?” She asked.

As Meagan poured Lyra a new cup of coffee, Lyra just stared blankly at her cup. She didn’t even register what Pinkamena said.

“Lyra!”

Lyra’s head snapped up at Pinkamena’s voice. “Huh?”

“Were good, right?”

Lyra blinked, as the wheels in her head grinded the information for her. “Oh...yeah we’re good. I’m not gonna rat on you or anything...it’s just happening so fast for me...and it’s weird.”

Pinkamena scrutinized Lyra some more, but then looked back down at her cereal. She wasn’t entirely convinced, but she didn’t have many options. As much as she hated it, she just had to trust in Lyra. Easier said than done.

As Meagan sat back down, Lyra considered the woman. She had a bubbly, sunshine, aura about her, and always seemed to be in good spirits. It was a wonder, considering who she was roomed with. The refreshing, innocent air around her stood in stark contrast to Pinkamena’s melancholy and laconic wit.

Then a question sprang to Lyra’s mind. Where was she, when she was screaming for help last night?

“Hey, Meagan,” Lyra asked, “Didn’t you think anything strange was going on when I was tied up in Pinkamena’s room last night? Why didn’t you call the cops or at least knock on the door? She could have been killing me for all you know.”

Meagan snorted a laugh. “I thought you two were having sex!”

And there went that picture of innocence.

“What!?” both Lyra and Pinkamena exclaimed.

Applejack snickered.

Meagan shrugged. “I thought it was role play.”

“Why would you...how even...role play?” Lyra sputtered.

Meagan giggled. “Yeah! It’s what Pinkamena likes to do when she brings a stallion over, which isn’t often, but when she does she likes to pretend she’s a --”

Pinkamena slammed a hoof on the table. “Meagan!”

Meagan let out an ‘eek’ and turned towards Pinkamena.

“If you finish that sentence I will cut off Charlie’s head,” she warned.

Meagan gasped. “You wouldn’t!”

“Charlie?” Lyra asked.

“Meagan’s stuffed unicorn,” Applejack filled in.

“Oh.”

“I would! Why do you think I had Lyra sleep in my room last night?” Pinkamena asked.

Meagan shrugged her shoulders. “Cuddles?”

Pinkamena crushed the center of her brow with her hoof. If she had let Lyra sleep in Meagan’s room, the two of them would have, without a doubt, stayed up all night divulging secrets like two school girls. It was hard enough having Lyra know her biggest secret, but that was being dealt with. She didn’t need Lyra knowing any of the more embarrassing aspects of her life.

“Meagan, I’m straight! I had Lyra sleep in my room because you can’t keep your mouth shut any better than her! Why would you even think that?”

Lyra stored that bit of info in the back of her mind for later use. She may have been restricted from mentioning Applejack, but after being abducted, having her car scratched, and enduring the torment she suffered in Pinkamena’s room last night, she was going to have to get Pinkamena back somehow. Maybe she should come over to visit Meagan when Pinkamena wasn't around some day.

“I dunno, the last time you had a stallion over was --”

Megan stopped her speech immediately when Pinkamena brought out a pair of sheers from somewhere under the table. She snapped them a couple of times to get her point across.

“Pinkie, put the shears down!” Applejack demanded.

Pinkamena’s eyes cut across to Applejack. She hesitated.

“Put em down…”

Pinkamena grumbled under her breath, but complied. The shears lowered down past the table, disappearing from whence they came. Meagan let out a sigh of relief.

Lyra took note of the scene, and reconsidered her revenge schemes against Pinkamena. The more she was around her, the less and less it seemed like a good idea to get on her bad side. Luckily, it seemed Applejack was around her enough to keep her in check. Not for the first time, Lyra wondered why it was Pinkamena was such a borderline crazy case. It hardly seemed the fitting personality for a pony with three balloons for a cutie mark. She noticed it last night, but didn’t bring it up. So odd.

“Now apologize,” Applejack told Pinkamena.

Pinkamena crossed her arms looking away from Applejack. She mumble something under her breath.

“What was that? I couldn’t hear ya.”

“I said I was sorry.”

“Well don’t tell me that, tell Meagan.”

Pinkamena looked at Meagan. She looked back at Pinkamena with pouty eyes, genuinely remorseful she had upset her. It was easy to tell that what Pinkamena thought of her mattered to her a great deal.

Pinkamena sighed and said, “I’m sorry Meagan. I’m not cutting Charlie’s head off...I just don’t like when you put my personal life out there.”

Meagan’s mood swung around and her elation bubbled through her voice. “I understand, and I’m sorry too. After all, spilling secrets is the surest way to lose a friend!” Meagan turned to face Lyra and added, “Right?”

Lyra gave a nervous laugh and scratched the back of her head. She could feel Pinkamena’s stare boring holes into her head.

“Heh, heh, right...though Pinkamena and I aren’t really friends,” Lyra said, but then quickly amended, “Not that I plan on saying anything about any of this! I promise!”

Meagan leaned in real close to Lyra, an earnest, pleading look showing on her face. Lyra backed away an inch, uncomfortable with breach in personal space.

“You promise?” Meagan asked, “Cause I really don’t want Pinkamena to go to jail or Applejack to go away! They’re like my best friends!”

“We’re just roommates.” Pinkamena corrected.

Meagan smiled, still looking at Lyra. “She doesn’t mean that.”

Pinkamena sighed and rolled her eyes. There was no helping the delusional.

Lyra had no defense against Meagan’s puppy dog eyes. The girl was too adorable for her own good. “Yeah, I promise to keep everyone’s secrets here,” She assured her.

Meagan held up her hand, pinkie finger extended. “Pinky promise?”

Pinkamena choked on her cereal.

Lyra looked at the pinky finger, dubiously. “Um...I don’t have...fingers.”

Meagan giggled. “Thats ok, silly. Just give me you hoof and repeat after me.”

Lyra extended her hoof, and Meagan wrapped as much of her pinky around it as she could, saying, “Cross my heart, or I’ll cry, stick my face in pumpkin pie.”

Lyra looked at her hoof and back to Meagan. There was a serious glint in Meagan’s eyes, and Lyra realized what she was expected to do. It was a bit silly to Lyra, but she couldn’t bring herself to let her down. “C-cross my heart, or I’ll cry, stick my face in pumpkin pie,” Lyra repeated.

As soon as the ritual was complete, Meagan snapped back like a rubberband to her proper side of the table happy as she could be. “See? Nothing to worry about, Pinkamena! Lyra pinky swore,” she said, wiggling the appendage in front of her.

Pinkamena stared at the little finger in front of her, her face an unreadable expression. “Yeah...uh...I can see that.”

“You ok, Pinkie?” Applejack asked.

Pinkamena broke her gaze away from Meagan’s little finger. “Yeah. Sure, I’m fine. Why?”

“No reason...’cept you kinda looked weird there for a second.”

“I was just thinking, that’s all,” She said, then turned to Lyra. “Look it’s getting late and we both go in at the same time today. I think it’s about time to get ready.”

Lyra was filled with dread. She hadn’t slept a wink and now she had to go to work. This wasn’t going to be a good day for her. Somehow, she would make it, and thankfully she was getting off at an earlier time, so after work she could sleep for the rest of the day. She just had to make sure she didn’t fall face first into the fryers.

Lyra nodded and downed the last of her coffee, saying, “Yeah, we need to go...it’s about time I see this scratch you put on my car, anyways.”

Outside Pinkamena’s two story flat, Lyra stared into a yawning abyss. Her jaw hung open and her eyes stretched wide, not willing to believe the truth.

“My...my…” was all she could mumble out. She ran a hoof over the mint green metal of her car door. It stopped, as soon as it came to the edge of the mentally unprocessable thing. If she ran her hoof over it, even just once, then she would have no choice but to believe what her eyes were telling her. With a gulp, Lyra bravely slid her hoof over the area where the metal of her car door punched inward. To her horror, she could fit her hoof into the hole.

Pinkamena stood behind her, watching as Lyra scoured over the damage, she accidentally inflicted, when the vehicle veered into the edge of a street light’s cement base.

“It’s just a scratch,” she said.

Lyra whipped her head around, and Pinkamena thought she heard a bone pop. It was a wonder Lyra didn’t snap her own neck.

“Just a scratch!” Lyra shouted.

Pinkamena winced. “Okay...maybe a little more than just a scratch.”

“This is a gash! A gigantic gash! What’s everyone going to say when they see this gaping..." Lyra stopped her tirade to look for the appropriate word. It didn't take her long to find it. "Cunt! This gaping cunt on the side of my car door?” she finished.

“Well I wasn’t going to put it like that.”

Lyra stuck her enraged face into Pinkamena’s. “How am I gonna pay to fix this!?”

Pinkamena jerked her head back an inch. She rarely found herself backing away in these sort of conflicts. “I know a couple of ponies that cou -- ”

Lyra suddenly jumped back. “Oh! You know a couple of ponies that can fix this for free then?” She asked, sarcasm dripping from her voice.

Pinkamena rubbed the back of her neck. “Well not for free, but…”

Once again, Lyra was back in Pinkamena’s face, eyes narrowed and brow furrowed. “How am I going to pay for this?”

“Relax! I’ll help you pay for your car door!” Pinkamena shouted, pushing Lyra away from her.

“Help me?” Lyra asked, cocking her head to the side and looking at Pinkamena from the corner of her eyes, “You’ll help me pay for my car door?”

“Well I’m not exactly made of money here. I work at the same place you do, just in case you haven't noticed.”

By now, Lyra’s face was moments away from spontaneous combustion. Pinkamena reconsidered her words and amended, “Okay, okay, I’ll pay the whole thing!” Lyra visibly relaxed, if only by a few degrees before Pinkamena added, “So how does a 20 bit downpayment sound at the rate of 10 bits per month?”

Lyra’s eye twitched.

As Lyra drove to work with Pinkamena, little was said. Pinkamena sat with her elbow resting on the edge of the passenger window, chin leaning on forehoof. Every once in a while she would steal a glance at Lyra. Lyra’s scowl had begun to lessen as they made their way to Central Ponyville, but her eyes remained deadlocked on the road. Pinkamena thought the breeze coming from the passenger door was nice.

Pinkamena watched as houses faded away into business buildings. Cars were convenient, she supposed, but she still considered them mobile death traps. Maybe she was being a little hypocritical taking the car ride with Lyra, but it gave her a chance to sleep in a little more than she usually did on her twelve o'clock shift. She couldn’t help but wonder on how much ponies and people missed when driving, though. Somewhere on the side of the road behind them there was a dead tortoise that had been lying out there for months. No one ever noticed it, driving by, but she did on her walks to work. In Lyra’s car, she failed to see it going by.

Silence dominated the ride, until Lyra finally spoke.

“Balloons.”

Pinkamena perked her head up. “What?”

“Your cutie mark...it’s three balloons.”

“So?”

“Well what’s it for?”

Pinkamena averted her gaze from Lyra. That was uncomfortable topic.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Why?”

Pinkamena scrunched up her face for a moment then relaxed. “It’s personal.”

Lyra felt the need to pursue the topic, but wisely heeded her better judgement. Trying to get Pinkamena to talk about something she didn’t want to talk about was like trying to get anything more than two syllables out of Big Mac’s mouth. She needed something to talk about, however. Pinkamena could go all day without saying a word to anyone, but Lyra had a very deep, biologically hardwired need to converse. At the moment, all that was on her mind was her car door and work.

And sleep.

“Lyra!”

Lyra jolted up. “Huh? What, what?!”

“You sped past that stop sign!”

“I did?”

“Yeah, you did. Do I need to drive? I know you didn’t sleep well last.”

Lyra scoffed. “After what you did to my car? There's no way in Tartarus I’m letting you drive my car! Besides, the only reason I didn’t sleep last night was because of Applejack’s demonic snoring and Gummy!”

“That’s not my fault.”

“You said Gummy would stay on your bed!”

Pinkamena shrugged. “Gummy likes you...for some reason.”

“And how in the entire multiverse can you sleep with Applejack snoring like --”

“Buck!”

Lyra whipped her head towards Pinkamena. “Don’t interrupt me! I’m serious, what is wro--”

Waow-waow!

The second most dreadful sound she ever heard rang in Lyra’s eardrum. A police siren. Lyra looked into her rear view mirror and saw the Equestrian pink and teal police lights flashing behind her and the officer looked like an angry minotaur. Lyra's eyes shot skyward and she cursed.

“Buck.”

“I tried to tell you,” Pinkamena said.

Applejack, who had been riding in Pinkamena's satchel the entire time, opened up her mental link with Pinkamena.

This ain’t exactly a good situation to be in, Applejacks voice echoed in Pinkamena’s mind.

Pinkamena’s gut tied itself into knots. Like always she brought Applejack with her, in her satchel. She’s done it for years without incident, until Lyra peaked, and once again Lyra has put her in a compromising situation. If that cop decided for whatever reason to search them, which he rightfully shouldn’t, then the jig for her and Applejack was up.

I know. That bitch probably planned this, Pinkamena mentally replied.

Planned this?

Isn’t it obvious? She uses her sleep deprivation as an excuse to get pulled over, and as soon as that cop comes over, she’s gonna cry for help and get us arrested.

Ah honestly don’t think she planned this

Maybe she didn’t, but she’s gonna snitch!

Anxiety clawed its way through Lyra as she pulled over to the side of the road. This was possibly the worst thing ever. She didn’t need a ticket, she already had a car door to replace!

The minotaur cop stepped out of his vehicle and shut the door. The sun glinted off his mirror-shades as he snorted, then spat on the ground. He stuck his thumbs into his black slacks and walked slowly over to Lyra’s Campolina 100. Lyra thanked whatever deities were out there, he didn’t see the giant gash on the passenger side. When he came to her window she noticed the name on the badge resting on his teal uniform. Iron Law.

Pinkamena grimaced when she recognized him.

Officer Iron Law looked at the both of them and snorted again. “License and registration.”

Lyra chuckled nervously. “Okay.”

She fumbled around in her purse for a few seconds, occasionally glancing at Pinkamena, who just kept staring ahead. It registered in the back of her mind that this was a hairy situation for her. Applejack was in her satchel.

“I almost didn’t notice you there, Pinkamena,” Iron Law said.

“I smelled you long before I saw you,” she responded, still staring straight ahead.

Lyra looked between Pinkamena and officer Iron Law. How did these two know each other?

Iron Law chuckled. “Still the same as ever. Haven’t smashed anymore bottles over anyone’s head?”

“No sir.”

Oh.

“How’s your brother?” Pinkamena asked.

Iron Law’s jaw clenched. “Successful,” he said with a trace of bitterness.

They seem awfully familiar with each other, Lyra thought to herself.

Iron Law focused back on Lyra. “Got that license and registration, yet?”

“Oh, uh, yeah...h-here you go,” Lyra stammered, handing the officer what he asked for.

Iron Law looked over the license for an excruciatingly long time, then pulled out a pad and started jotting a few things down. Sweat trickled down Lyra’s scalp.

“So,” he said, “How did you get involved with Pinkamena?”

Lyra tried to process the question. She briefly looked down to her uniform then to Pinkamena’s. Couldn’t he tell? He didn’t ask how she knew Pinkamena either, he asked how she got involved with her. Somehow, it didn’t surprise Lyra if Pinkamena had some sort of record.

“We just work together.”

“Mhm...You know why I’m pulling you over?”

Lyra gulped. “Um...because I ran a stop sign?”

Iron Law turned from his notepad to Lyra and pulled his shades down his snout, looking down at Lyra with a contemptuous expression. “And you were swerving.”

“Oh…” The pit in Lyra’s stomach was trying to drill a hole to Neighpon.

Iron Law’s eyes narrowed. “You nervous about something?”

Panic sliced its way through Lyra’s heart. “N-no...I just didn’t get a lot of sleep last night. Heh, heh...I’m kinda sleep deprived.”

By now, Iron Law had taken off his shades completely and hung them in his front shirt pocket. “Oh? Any reason?”

“Oh, no reason. Just, uh, stayed up for an all-nighter of lyre practice, heh. It’s my special talent.”

“Hmm...You say no reason,” Iron Law said, tapping his chin, “But then you say you stayed up to practice the lyre. Thats a reason.” Iron Law arched his eyebrow. “Doesn’t that make you a...liar?”

“Me? No sir! I’m not lying!”

Iron Law leaned in close to the driver’s side window, leveling a harsh and scrutinizing look at Lyra. She felt as if all her sins were laid out bare, before him.

“You wouldn’t try to hide anything from me, now would you?”

Lyra felt her nerve unraveling. Stares of judgment pressed in from the officer she was facing and into the back of her head from Pinkamena. Her head was about to pop.

Sombra grumbled to himself. He was in a predicament.

“Pinkamena,” he growled to himself, rubbing his temples. He had to hand it to her. Pinkamena was a shrewd tactician. She knew that he needed her, though he was pained to admit it, and now with the issue with Tom, she had him right where she wanted. Sombra held off giving Pinkamena a raise for the longest time, but now that he needed her cooperation in making sure that she didn’t do anything brash around the CEO’s son, he had to do something to appease her. He wasn’t left with much choice.

“Sneaky, blackmailing, little--”

Knock, knock!

What now?

“What is it!?” Sombra shouted.

Chrysalis poked her head into the office.

“Oh,” Sombra said, embarrassed, “What is it, hun bun?”

“I got a pony here looking for work,” Chrysalis said.

“I see. Why don’t you give them an application then?”

“She’s a foreigner. I don’t think she can write in Equus, and I can’t speak Mexicolt.”

“Ah…” Sombra wasn’t enthusiastic. He hated dealing with applicants, and usually pushed them onto Chrysalis, however, Sombra was the only manager that was bilingual. He supposed he didn't have much of a choice. He begrudgingly got up from his chair and stepped out the door.

“Where is she?” He asked.

“She’s sitting at the booth in the dining area. White unicorn. You can’t miss her.”

“Unicorn you say? Well, I guess she’s worth a look.”

Sombra exited the kitchen and stepped into the dining area. Walking to the nearest booth, he saw her. He had to admit, she was stunning. She wore a simple, but elegant, red dress of mexicoltian design that contrasted pleasingly against her white coat and the curls of her gorgeous black mane. Sombra wasn’t sure, but he thought he could detect traces of lavender in her roots.

Sombra gulped. If Chrysalis knew the thoughts he was having…

The unicorn noticed Sombra and smiled. "Oh, es usted el propietario de este establecimiento?" She asked, batting her eyelashes at Sombra.

Sombra was lost in those eyes for a moment. He quickly composed himself. “Oh. S-Si, si lo soy...me han dicho que usted no habla Equus.”

The white mare frowned. “Desafortunadamente mi Equus no es muy bueno, pero estoy aprendiendo”

“Hmm...lla veo.”

Sombra would have loved to hire her on, however the language barrier presented a challenge. He could probably do it, however, would it be worth his time?

“Oh! Pero donde estan mis modales? Permítame introducirme.”

The white unicorn got up from her seat and performed a flourished courtesy before Sombra. “Mi nombre es Rareza Campana, aunque, usted puede llamarme Rareza.”

So formal, Sombra thought to himself. He mentally shrugged and did a little bow himself. “Yo soy el Sr.Darkheart. Es un placer conocerla Señorita Campana.”

Rareza held up a hoof, “Oh, no, cariño, sólo Rareza esta bien.”

“Muy bien. Rareza entonces.”

Rarity beamed.

She was a unicorn. That could be useful. Then again, Lyra was a unicorn as well, and in his own opinion, her magical talent was sub par. Apart from Rarity’s looks, that was the only thing she had going for her. Unicorns rarely get into the fast food business, and even then it was mostly in upper management.

“Rareza, debes entender que el no poder hablar la lengua nativa le podría causar problemas a la hora de poder ser contratada.”

A dejected look crossed her face. She was hoping that the language barrier wasn’t going to be a very big issue, but then she remembered something.

“Lo entiendo, aunque, el dijo que usted podría decir eso.”

What did she mean by that?

“¿El?”

“El que lo refirió a mí. Pezuñas,” she clarified.

Pezuñas? Oh wait...that Pezuñas. An evil smile spread across Sombra’s face. He was starting to see what was really going on. This was the answer to his problem that he was looking for.

“¡Pezuñas! ¿Bueno, por que no lo dijo antes? ¿Sabe que, por que no vamos a mi oficina donde podemos discutir esto en privado? Yo creo que usted va a tener un futuro brillante aquí en Rainbow Burguers Señorita Camp-- quiero decir, Rarity.”

Rarity was ecstatic. She did her best not to squeal in delight, but failed.

“Bueno, yo estaría encantada. Muestreme el camino Sr. Darkheart, no puedo esperar para empezar a trabajar con usted,” she said.

Sombra chuckled inwardly. He had no doubt she couldn’t wait to start working, indeed.

Author's Note

Oh my god...the long awaited chapter 6 is finally out. I should probably go over this a few more times to scope out grammar errors and what not, but I plan to turn this in to an editor soon and I really wanted to get this out asap.

Special thanks to JoeSFX for translations!
Special thanks to JustAnAcquaintence for proofreading!

Way of the World

Rainbow Burger
by Kel Grym

Chrysalis sat with her elbow propped up on the table supporting her head as she pretended to listen to Rover. While he prattled on about something that had to do with Diego...again, she absentmindedly brought the hole in her hoof down over a salt shaker.

“...And he doesn’t even take out the grease trap!” Rover complained.

Chrysalis barely registered anything he said. At the moment she was busy thrusting her hoof up and down over the salt shaker, lost in her own fantasy.

“Are you even listening to me?”

Chrysalis stopped and perked her head up. “Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, annoying and all that.”

“So, aren't you going to do something about it?”

“Ugh.” Chrysalis rolled her eyes. Couldn’t Rover go a single day without being a baby? Diego could be annoying, that’s for sure, but in Chrysalis’s opinion he was a better worker than Rover. At least he didn’t shed fur on the patties.

“Has anyone ever told you, Rover, that for a Diamond Dog, you’re a bit of a pu--”

Chrysalis stopped her insult short when she noticed, through the window, Lyra pull into the parking lot. What in the world happened to her car!? As she watched her park, something even more interesting happened. Lyra stepped out of her vehicle with a passenger. Pinkamena.

“I’m a bit of a what?” Rover asked. Try as he might, no one ever payed attention to him.

“Shh! Not important, look out there!”

Flustered, Rover started to complain again, but his voice caught in his throat when he saw what Chrysalis was talking about. The gaping hole in the side of Lyra’s car was hard to miss.

“Ugh! I can’t believe he gave me a field sobriety test!” Lyra exclaimed as they stepped out of her car.

“I can’t believe you failed it!” Pinkamena shouted, shutting the car door behind her.

“It’s your fault I tripped!”

Pinkamena did a double take. “My fault?”

Lyra gave Pinkamena a deadpan stare. “Ponynapped. Applejack. Gummy. No sleep.”

Pinkamena scratched the back of her head sheepishly. She supposed in an indirect way it was her fault. Of course, none of it would have happened if Lyra knew how to mind her own business.

Lyra sighed, and rubbed her head. She was starting to develop a headache. “How do you sleep like that at night?”

The other mare shrugged. “Applejack’s snoring helps drown out the cars that pass by.”

Well that made perfect sense, for Pinkamena. Not that it helped Lyra. She shoved her ticket into Pinkamena’s face. “That’s wonderful, now what the hay, am I going to do about this!”

Pinkamena pushed Lyra’s hoof down dismissively. “Don’t worry about it, I’ll take care of that.”

Lyra arched an eyebrow. She’ll take care of that? How? Pinkamena saw the doubt in her eyes and reassured her, saying, “Look, just trust me, ok? I have my ways.”

“You...have your ways?”

Pinkamena rolled her eyes and turned around. “Yes, I do. Now come on, before we’re late.”

Lyra groaned in frustration, but let the issue go. For now. They had the whole day ahead of them and she felt too exhausted to argue any more. Today was going to be harsh enough. Hopefully there wasn’t going to be any rushes.

Pinkamena stopped as soon as she turned around, her eyes becoming angry slits. She could see Chrysalis and Rover, through the window, duck away at the last second. Lily Valley had just came up to look through the window as well, but Chrysalis’s hoof yanked her down, out of sight.

Not realizing she stopped, Lyra bumped into her. “Hey, what gives?”

Pinkamena faced Lyra with a ponderous look. The unicorn fidgeted under the gaze, worried that she did something else to anger the moody mare.

“Lyra?”

“Yeah?”

Lyra would never know it, and Pinkamena would never admit it, but the fact that Lyra didn’t cave in and tell officer Iron Law everything, changed Pinkamena’s opinion of her dramatically...well dramatically was stretching it. Perhaps, just a dramatic inch.

“Thanks.”

“Uh...for what?”

“For not ratting me out back there.”

Thanks? As Lyra thought about, she realized it was probably the first time she had ever heard Pinkamena thank her for anything. It felt weird. Alien.

“Oh...it was nothing. I made a promise, after all.”

Pinkamena’s eyes lingered on Lyra for a few more seconds, before turning around. As she walked towards the side entrance, she said over her shoulder, “Be ready.”

Lyra cocked her head. Be ready for what?

The duo walked into the building, and clocked in at the front counter terminals. As luck would have it, they were right on time. Pinkamena didn’t even bother to hang her satchel, with Applejack, on the wall, as she made a b-line to Sombra’s office.

Lyra wondered, for a moment, what she wanted to talk to Sombra about, but before she even made two steps into the kitchen’s drive side, her world became a blur of motion as she felt herself yanked off the ground by her forelegs. Even as her head was still spinning from her radical relocation, she found herself the butt end of a barrage of questions.

“What happened to your car!?”

“Why were you with that she-devil!?”

“Were you in a wreck?”

“When did the two of you get so chummy?”

“Are you two, like, and item now?”

Lyra shook away her disorientation and looked at Lily Valley and Chrysalis. She noticed she had been moved to the storage area in the back, the usual hang out the girls went to when they wanted to talk about someone, or pony, behind their back. This was probably what Pinkamena was warning her about.

She didn’t expect an inquisition.

“Uh...I, uh,” Lyra mumbled, “I had a...uh, small fender bender on the road.”

Chrysalis and Lily Valley inched closer, hanging on to her every word. It was a feeling that Lyra usually loved, however, in this case, they may as well have had her under a spot lamp, tied to a chair in a dark room. Lyra shuddered at the memory.

“Like, what happened,” Lily valley asked, blowing a blonde locke out of her face.

“I, um, got ran off the side of the road...into the base of street lamp,” Lyra half lied.

“That’s terrible! Did you get their plate numbers?”, Lily asked, eyes wide in shock.

“N-no.”

“Never mind that!” Chrysalis interjected, “Why did you come to work with her!”

Sweat beaded off her brow. Why hadn’t she expected this? If she had given a little thought to it, beforehoof, she would have had a decent enough excuse cooked up. Lyra was a terrible liar, when put on the spot.

“Um, well, you see I thought that since Pinkamena has to walk home all the time, that I’d, um, give her a ride.”

Chrysalis’s nose wrinkled, as if maintenance forgot to remove the dead possum from the drainage, last week. It was still a mystery how it got there. “Oh? Hmm...why the change of heart? You never gave her a ride before, and I thought we were in the general agreement that she was a basket case, ready to explode, at any given moment.”

“Yeah,” Lilly Valley chimed in, “It’s not, like, you know, she’s ever done you any favors before.”

Lyra chuckled nervously. “Heh, yeah, well I just figured maybe I’d help her out this once and, I dunno, get to know her...a little better.”

Chrysalis’s expression changed in a flash, as the would be bug queen sidled next to her. The joy of intrigue filled her eyes. “Oh, I see, you sneaky bitch. A little reconnaissance to dig up some dirt on her? Daring. So what did you find out?”

Breathing room vanished, as Chrysalis and Lily closed in on her, each with a disturbing hunger for knowledge in their eyes. Despite her best efforts, Lyra failed to disappear into the floor. She should have listened to her mother, and gone to that nice unicorn mage academy, instead of taking those musical instruction classes. Lyra had to think of something, quick, to satiate the beast, known as the gossip circle of Rainbow Burger, lest it turn and rip her asunder.

“W-well...I did learn one thing.”

Pinkamena stood in Sombra’s dimly lit office, with a glare. Sombra had been expecting her. He seemed smug.

“Did you--”

“Yes,” Sombra said, cutting her question off.

She arched an eyebrow. It almost seemed too easy. “Really?”

Sombra nodded. “Really. I gave it a lot of thought, and meditation, but at the end of the day. I realized that it was the right thing to do.”

This was unexpected. She thought Sombra would have formed a half baked excuse to postpone her raise.

“I’ve decided to change my car insurance to Spike’os. Why I waited this long to save 5% on my premium is beyond me.”

Nevermind.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it!”

Sombra stared at her for a second, before it dawned on him. “Oh...Oooh. You mean your raise,” He said as he swiveled his chair away from her to his desk.

Steam shot out of her ears. “Of course, I mean my raise!”

“Mhm. Yes. I did that, too.”

He did? Pinkamena looked at him incredulously. She wasn’t sure if he was pulling her leg or not.

“A whole bit, in fact.”

Surprise crossed her face. “A whole bit? Seriously?”

Sombra noded. “Seriously.”

She didn’t know what to say. It seemed almost too good to be true. She expected a .25 bittybit increase, .50 bittybits at best.

“What’s the catch?”

“Oh, no catch.”

Human shit, she thought. He had to have been up to something. However, she didn’t have anything to go on. Then again, maybe she was wrong. She knew she had him by the ball sack with the Tom issue. She knew he needed her. But a whole bit? That put her nearly on Chrysalis’s pay-scale.

“Now if this discussion is over, I believe you’re needed on the grill.”

“The grill?”

“Yes, on main side.”

She was dumbstruck. It went against the natural order of things. Grill duty, on mainside? For her? On a Thursday? Next to oven duty, that was the easiest job there was! If this was what she got for blackmailing Sombra, she decided to make it a habit.

“I’ll...get right on it.” She was skeptical, but what could she do about it? Might as well make the best of it. She began to walk out of his office, before glancing over her shoulder one last time. Sombra just reclined in his chair, as if there wasn’t a problem in the world. Something stunk.

As she stepped out of Sombra’s office she accidentally ran into a white unicorn.

“Oof!”

The unicorn shook her head. Realizing her blunder, she began to apologize in Mexicolt, “Perdoname, yo no estaba mirando”, but then facehoofed, switching to clipped Equus, “Oh, eh, siento, I men, sorry. Mi Equus es no good.”

Pinkamena glanced down to her name tag. She looked back up to Rareza for a brief moment, then walked away, as if she never saw her. Rareza watched Pinkamena leave, taking minor offense on how easily she was dismissed. How could somepony be so rude? She watched Pinkamena walk over and tap Rover on the shoulder before disappearing inside Sombra’s office.

Half expecting it was Diego tapping his shoulder, Rover spun around in a flurry. “What!?”

“I’m taking over the grill,” Pinkamena said, not at all phased by Rover’s snap.

His ears splayed back, embarrassed, and he muttered a quick apology. Inside, however he sighed in relief. He couldn’t wait to get away from Diego. “I’ve been waiting for you. See? I got everything cleaned up, and the cooler is even stocked.”

Waiting for her? Was there something she didn’t know? Before she could ask another question, Rover was already leaving.

“Chow,” he said, with a half-hearted wave.

As she watched Rover escape from main side she stuck her satchel under the grill, before turning to Diego, asking “What did you do this time?”

Diego looked offended. “Hey, I don’t ever do anything to Rover! He’s my homie, were tight like peanut butter and jelly!”

“You’re full of shit.”

He grinned. “My eyes are brown for a reason.”

“Same reason your breath stinks.”

Diego chuckled, full of good humor. “I switched the seasoning with fry salt. Rover didn’t figure it out, until Mr.Darkheart noticed, and bitched him out about it.”

“You’re a pain, Diego,” she said, as an order flashed on the grill screen, “Drop buns.” Pinkamena pressed the patty button on the side of the grill. As the patty shot out onto the grill, Pinkamena was walked to the sink to sanitize her hooves. “So, I guess I’m working with you today?”

He shook his head. Just as he did so the unicorn from before stepped out of Sombra’s office and approached the board. “You’re working with her,” Diego said, jerking his thumb towards Rareza. “I’m working board on drive side”

“Poor Rover,” Pinkamena said as she glanced over to Rareza.

I knew there was a catch, she thought to herself.

“Why don’t they have you train her?”

“Me?”

“Don’t you speak Spanish? It’s parallel to Mexicolt, right?”

Diego, actually looked cross, for the first time. “I’m Argentinian, it’s not the same as Mexican Spanish or Mexicoltian. I don’t even think there is an Argentina parallel in this world.”

His brows furrowed in a pensive look. “I don’t really get that.”

It was true. Mexicolt was to Mexico as Cainadae was to Canada. The countries weren’t exact parallels, as Mexicolt was much smaller than Mexico, and Equestria wasn’t divided into states like America. Poor Diego spent hours of his free time looking over maps in the public library, but never once ever found anything remotely close to a parallel with Argentina. It left a sour taste in his mouth.

“Sounds like a personal problem to me.”

The insensitive remark deflected off of Diego’s skin, as an impish smile found its way back to his face. “And now,” he said, gesturing to Rareza, “She’s your problem. Have fun you two.” Diego left the two mares to fend for themselves, as he made his way to the kitchen’s drive side. “Hey Rover! Guess what!?”

Rover’s frustration could be heard from the other side of the kitchen. “Graah!”

Pinkamena shook her head. She gave it a few more weeks before Rover either quit or Diego went missing.

She noted, with agitation, the lost look Rareza wore on her face as she glanced back and forth between the ticket and the note cards that floated within her magic, next to her. She figured it was a quick translation reference for the menu. She shook her head.

What in Tarturus does Sombra think he’s doing? Is he testing me?

She knew she was going to have to train her. Sombra could have at least told her. It didn’t make any sense to put a newbie on board during the busiest part of the day. Especially one who couldn't read or speak Equus. Why did he hire her? Was it because she was a unicorn?

The buns Diego dropped in the bun toaster, finally came down. Pinkamena grabbed the head of the bun and slid it over to Rareza. The unicorn looked at the bun, back to the screen, then to her note cards, and back to the screen again. She magicked the mayo spreader out of its pan, and was about to dress the bun, when she heard Pinkamena’s voice next to her ear.

“No.”

Rareza nearly jumped out of her skin, and turned to see Pinkamena pointing to the mustard pan.

“Oh, um...gracias,” she said, placing the mayo spreader back and taking the one for the mustard instead. After spreading the mustard and putting the lettuce on the bun, she started to check her note cards again, when Pinkamena slapped them away.

“No.”

Rareza was aghast. How dare she! She was about to protest when Pinkamena pointed to the tomatoes. It ruffled her fur, but this mare was her superior here. Taking the hint, with an exasperated sigh, she scooped four of them up in her telekinesis and laid the slices on the bun.

“No.”

Pinkamena picked a tomato slice off the bun and tossed it back into the pan. She pointed back to the bun.

“Three,” She said, tapping the counter with her hoof three times and repeating the word for emphasis.

For the next thirty minutes, it continued like that. Short, simple commands, and lots of pointing. The Mexicoltian’s vocabulary expanded as Pinkamena conducted her one word training regiment. As the orders progressed, Rareza soon had all all the ingredients ingrained into her brain, from constant repetition. While the training was effective she still wasn’t thrilled by the tone Pinkamena used with her. Even so, she couldn’t deny the mare’s expertise. Or speed.

“Buns,” Pinkamena called out to her when the next order came up. It aggravated Rareza. By now she already knew to put buns down when the order printed out. Grumbling a curse under her breath, she deftly magicked a pair of buns, sitting on the bun rack behind her, out of their plastic bag. She didn’t even bother to look, before she began to toss them into the bun toaster.

“No.”

Rareza jumped once again. She spun around to find Pinkamena standing behind her with a pair of buns in her hooves.

“Small,” she said, holding the smaller pair of buns up to her face.

“Oh, heh, pequeño,” She chuckled nervously, as she replaced the large buns back into their place on the bun rack, while simultaneously tossing the small buns into the bun toaster with her magic. The tricky telekinetic maneuver didn’t escape Pinkamena’s notice, however.

Another order flashed on the grill screen. As Pinkamena turned to go press the patty button on the far side of the grill, she saw a flash of blue and the button pressed on its own, shooting out a patty onto the grill. Pinkamena turned to regard the unicorn behind her. Rareza wore a smug smile.

Decent reach. Better than Lyra’s.

As the day went on, Pinkamena had to intervene numerous times to help Rareza, where a simple ‘no’ didn’t elaborate the complexities of a customized Cloudsdale special. Rareza, for one, appreciated the help, but still couldn’t get used to Pinkamena’s shortness with her. Couldn’t the mare lighten up a little bit?

“No.” Pinkamena corrected once again. Rareza bit back a curse.

Pinkamena lifted up the bun and pointed to the ingredient she forgot. Rareza looked to where she was pointing then up to the order on her ticket. Jalapeños. How embarrassing.

“Oops,” she squeaked, correcting her mistake.

“Try not to miss the one thing you should already be able to read,” Pinkamena said, before she walked back to the grill.

Rareza wasn’t sure what she said, but it sounded like a shot at her expense. Etiquette be damned, she wasn’t raised to take that kind of tone from anypony.

“¿Por que tu no sacas eso palo de proverbios de tu cuarto trasero?” she said under her breath. It wasn’t lady like, but she needed the catharsis of letting off some of her frustration. It’s not like the mare would understand her, anyways.

“Por que, si lo hago te voy a dar adentro de tu cabeza muy duro que la tinte en tu melena va a formar una prueba de Rorschach en el pared,” Pinkamena replied back, in perfect Mexicoltian.

Rareza ‘eeped’, spinning around to face Pinkamena. “Que?! Tu sabes...todo este tiempo!”

“Si,” Pinkamena deadpanned.

The Mexicoltian stood there with her mouth open. Anger flashed on her face. “¡¿Por que tu no me dijiste antes?! ¡Eso pudo hacer las cosas más fácil!”

Pinkamena shrugged. “Tu no preguntástes. Eso es como yo entreno todas las personas.”

Rareza opened her mouth to say something else, but found a pink hoof preventing her.

“Antes que tu digas algo mas,” Pinkamena said with grave intent, “Yo quiero preguntarte algo y yo quiero que tu seas honesta conmigo.” She narrowed her eyes. “No mientas.”

Rareza broke out in a cold sweat. What did she want with her? Pinkamena drew in closer, like a jungle cat ready to tear out her jugular...then asked the one question she dreaded the most.

“Tu. Tienes. Tu. ¿Suncard?”

Bang

Sombra was enjoying building his troops on an adware ridden browser game, when the door to his office exploded open. He wasn’t surprised.

“Ah, Pinkie Pie. I was expecting another visit from you,” Sombra said, without turning around from his game. Micromanaging resources, required attention to detail.

“That’s Pinkamena,” she said, slamming the door shut behind her, “You sneaky piece of shit.”

Sombra cupped his hooves together under his chin, and spun around to face his enraged employee. “Language, Mrs. Pie.”

“Fuck you! Do you think I’m really that stupid?”

Sombra reeled his head back at the accusatory hoof, she pointed his way. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Perhaps, you could elaborate?”

“Do I really have to spill it out for you? The Mexicoltian!”

“Oh?” Sombra shrugged. “What about her?”

He didn’t think it was possible, but Pinkamena’s face contorted into an even higher magnitude of outrage. How did it not cramp up like that? It looked painful.

“She’s an illegal! The only reason you gave me a whole bit, for a raise, is because you’re undercutting her pay!”

Sombra laughed. “Nonsense! What a ridiculous accusation! To be quite honest, you should feel ashamed of yourself! I’ve been aware of your anti-human sentimentality for a while, and have tolerated it up to this point…”

What?

“However, I didn’t think your bigotry would extend to your own kin.”

Pinkamena mentally braced herself for the coming white noise.

“Just because a pony’s heritage comes from a dirty, backward, country such as Mexicolt, doesn’t mean that they’re automatically an illegal immigrant. Ignorant assumptions like that, more than anything, is what divides our noble people against each other against the menace of human corruption that has taken root in pony society,” He said, stopping to clear his throat, ”Not that I think that, of course, I’m simply pointing out the errancy of your own world view. It seems to me that it would be counterproductive to your ideals to hold such a bias against--”

Sombra had to cut his moral dissertation off short when he found Pinkamena’s face inches from his.

“Sombra,” she hissed between her teeth.

Sombra blinked. “Yes?”

“Cut it out. I know. And I know, you know, I know.”

Her glare left little room for his usual tactics. He was going to have to wrap this up, quick. Sombra was sure Tr0lld_U_Ha_101 was attacking his castle by now.

A bored expression grew on his face. “Ah...very well then. Then let me ask you one simple question.”

The angry glimmer in her eye never faltered. “Ask away.”

Sombra cleared his throat. “Why do you care?”

“What?” she asked, backing away from Sombra.

Seeing his advantage he pressed his point forward. “Why do you care, Mrs.Pie? It’s not as if it affects you in any way, you still get your raise, after all.”

“Why do I care? Why wouldn’t I care! I can’t take a raise at somepony else’s expense! I’m not like you, or Chrysalis! I.., “ she said, huffing out her chest, whilst pointing to herself, “...work and earn what I make.”

Sombra chuckled darkly. “Oh ho ho. You most certainly do. And while that certainly is cute...tell me. Why didn’t you care, before?”

Now she was confused. “Before?”

“Yes. Before. Do you remember Flora Azula? Bobo Patoso?” Sombra got up from his chair, a triumphant look already on his face. “Espina Salvaje?”

Pinkamena searched her memory. She did recall them. Sombra couldn’t be implying what she thought he was.

Of course he is, Pinkamena mentally chastised herself. It suddenly made sense. Hes been doing this sort of thing the whole time. It never really dawned on her, however. She rarely talked to Bobo or Espina, and while she dealt with Flora the most, she could speak Equus just fine.

“Surprised?” Sombra asked.

“I shouldn’t be...what’s your point?”

Sombra looked shocked. “My point? Why just that. Why didn’t you care about them?”

“I didn’t know, obviously.”

“Aha!” Sombra shouted triumphantly, “You didn’t know! But let me ask you this, now: Was it that you didn’t care, because you didn’t know, or rather, you didn’t want to know, because you didn’t care?”

An uncertainty crept up her chest. It might have been that she never figured it out, because she was too absorbed in work and her own personal problems. So what? That didn’t mean anything.

“Excuse me?”

Sombra held up a hoof. “Wait, hold that thought.”

He jumped back into his chair, swiveling around to face his computer. Opening up his browser game, he checked the latest war reports. “Dammit!” To his dismay, Tr0lld_U_Ha_101 and someone else called CharlieXSundance4ever sacked him for over 10,000 units of resources. Sombra queued up more defensive units and adjusted his city tax rates, before spinning back around to Pinkamena.

“Sorry about that, now where were we?”

Pinkamena blinked. “Don’t know. Don’t care.”

“Ah yes! That’s right. You never really cared. It wasn’t that you didn’t know, you never cared enough to find out to begin with.”

That was stretching things too far.

“Sombra, that’s stupid, and irrelevant. Besides, I know now, and I do care.”

An evil grin cracked across Sombra’s face. “Is it, now? Oh come now, just exactly why is it that you care so much? You never cared about anyone here, other than yourself, admit it. I’ve seen the way you work, and I’ve seen the way you treat others here, don’t think I haven’t. You couldn’t give less of a shit what happens to anyone here, after all, you said it yourself.”

He had her attention now.

“If one of the girls, here, ends up missing, or dead in a ditch, I don’t care. It’s on your head,” Sombra said, quoting Pinkamena word for word, from their conversation about Tom.

If looks could kill, Sombra should have been a spouting a fountain of blood from the holes Pinkamena bored into him, with her glare. She could feel the smoldering anger in her chest, threatening to burst out and immolate him. The gall he had was unfathomable.

“You’re twisting words around.”

“Am I?” Sombra asked in a dark voice, "Then why is it you suddenly care? Is it just because, in this one particular instance of exploitation, you actually stand to profit, thus staining your self image, or do you really care about them? Don’t you think you’re being a little self-righteous, I mean, they all did come to me. Willingly, so. An undercut pay is a fair enough trade-off to escape Mexicolt’s less than desirable political climate.”

“I don’t care for your rhetoric, Sombra,” Pinkamena spat.

Sombra chuckled. “You know what I think?”

“Enlighten me.”

“Gladly...I think the offense you take to what I do, stands on nothing but moral pretense. I think the real reason you care, has nothing to do with the exploitation of a single Mexicoltian, as much as it has to do with your pride, and vendetta against me...I’ll ask you another question. Have you ever thought about marriage?”

And now he completely lost her.

“What!?”

“Marriage. It’s a simple question. Have you ever thought of it?”

That...that drudged up some bad memories.

“...Maybe. What does that have to do with anything?”

Sombra, magicked from the shelf over his desk, a hoof band, and showed it to Pinkamena. The diamond in the band glistened in negative color values, within the blacklight of Sombra’s magic.

“This is a very rare and very expensive diamond...belonged to my mother actually. Quite beautiful, isn’t it?”

Pinkamena wasn’t impressed. “A gift to your girlfriend?”

Sombra laughed. “Maybe...but that’s neither here nor there. Did you know that once upon a time, diamonds and other gems used to be extremely common in Equestria, to the point that they were worth next to nil? Used to be the only thing that they were good for were decorations for clothes.”

This talk was getting boring. “I remember my middle school history class. Get to the point.”

“Right...after the Diamond Dog treaty, and the technological exchange, gems and diamonds in Equestria started disappearing at a rapid rate. They were becoming rarer and rarer, as more and more were being mined for technological use, especially for the trans-dimensional gates. Just as many were lost, during the Griffon War, in their implementation of weapon enhancement. Countless were burnt up, being used as power sources, for her Highness’s battle mages. Becoming as scarce as they are, pony and human soon had to go seeking out deposits abroad. This diamond here,” Sombra said pulling the diamond studded hoof band to his face, “was mined from Zebrica. By exploited Zebricans. Half of them probably children, or the elderly. All, grossly underpaid.”

Sombra arched an eyebrow. “More so than the Mexicoltian.”

“That still doesn’t make it right!”

Sombras eyes flashed green. “That’s the way of the world! It isn’t even a secret, anyone can do an internet search and find out, but it doesn’t change! And do you know why?”

Sombra’s visage engulfed Pinkamena’s sight. She took a step back.

“Because no one really cares. Everyone cries foul on the sweatshops that exploit Mexicoltians if it happens on our soil, but no one bats an eyelash if it happens out of sight and out of mind. All because of moral pretenses, and not because anyone or anypony really cares. That’s the real truth. We only care about our reputations.”

Sombra's voice, lowered deeper. "So long as we look good in front of our peers, the rest of the world can burn."

Pinkamena gulped. Deep down inside, though she didn’t want to admit it, she knew Sombra was right...on some levels. Maybe he was completely right. Maybe it was just all moral pretense. It's not as if Rareza walked into her situation not knowing what she was getting into. If she didn’t like it, she could always leave. Who was Pinkamena to complain, if she got paid an extra bit out of it?

He...no. He's not right.

Sombra's voice echoed in her mind. No one cared. She didn't care enough to learn more about Flora. Before today, she didn't have a clue about Zebrican diamonds. Was it really that common? If that was public knowledge, why didn't Celestia do something about it? Perhaps, Sombra was blowing smoke up her haunches.

And yet, every single day that she worked, customers would come in and demand her to fill their gullets. They'd trickle through, and then they'd pour in. When they did come rushing in, like a school of fat, blithering piranhas, did any of them care if the employees were overworked in the back? Did any of them ever sincerely thank them? No. To them they were one thing, and one thing only. A convenience. And if you made a mistake, or took too long to shovel the transfats they desperately desired, down their throats, then you were worthless to them. No one cared.

What of Rareza, then? As Pinkamena hesitated, she found herself rationalizing. If not Rareza, then who? In the end, she was just another statistic and Pinkamena was just another fast food worker. She couldn't stop the way the world worked.

She couldn't stop it then, either.

"I won't tell if you wont," He whispered.

Pinkamena's gaze lifted up from the ground. She stared at Sombra. She hated him. She hated him more, now, than she ever hated Chrysalis. He just stared back, smug and confident.

The next two words tasted like bile on her tongue.

"You win."

Author's Note

Chaptah Sevah!

Round of applause for ZeroChill for translation.

Index A: Mexicoltian Translations

Index A: Mexicoltian Translations

Ch.6

“Oh my, are you the proprietor of this establishment?”

“Oh. Y-Yes, yes I am...I am told you don’t speak Equus.”

“Unfortunately, my Equus is not so good, but I have been learning.”

“Hmm...I see.”

“Oh! But where are my manners? Allow me to introduce myself.”

“My name is Rareza Campana, however, you can call me Rareza.” (A/N: Rareza Campana directly translates to “Rarity Bell”)

“I’m Mr.Darkheart. Pleased to meet you, Mrs.Campana.”

“Oh, no, darling, just Rareza will do.”

“Alright. Rareza then.”

“Rareza, you must realize that not being able to speak the native language is a huge detriment to the likelihood of you being hired on.”

“I understand, however, he said that you might say that.”

“He?”

“The one who referred you to me. Pezuñas,” (A/N: Pezunas translates to Hooves, a name in this context.)

“Pezuñas! Well, why didn’t you say so? You know what, why don’t you come into my office where we can discuss this in private? I think you’re going to have a bright future here at Rainbow Burger Mrs.Campan --I mean, Rareza.”

“Well, I’d be delighted too! Lead the way Mr.Darkheart, I can’t wait to start working for you,” she said.

Ch.7

“Oh, dear, I’m so sorry about that, I wasn’t watch--”

“Oh, heh, small.”

“Why don’t you pull the proverbial stick out of your hindquarters, sunshine,”

“Because if I do, I’m gonna hit you in the head with it so hard, the dye in your mane is going to form a rorschach test on the wall.”

“What! You mean...this whole time?!”

“Why didn’t you say so before!? It would have made things easier!”

“You didn’t ask, and that’s just how I train everyone.”

“Before you say anything else,”

“I have a question to ask you. And I want you to be perfectly honest with me.”

“No lies.”

"Do. You. Have. Your. Suncard?"

Author's Note

This index will be updated multiple times for each chapter with Spanish.