F*** You, And Your Rules!

by Derek Watterson

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 3599

One day, were cosplaying, the next, we're considered villains, and the day after that... well we had breakfast cereal that day. OH SHUT UP! NO ONE CARES KNOWLEDGE! 5 Humans, stuck in a land of talking ponies who view them as villains. How do cop

It was the five of us, dropped into the middle of Bufu Egypt with curses, burdens, and most importantly, powers that we had only ever thought of in our wildest dreams, versus concerned citizens, guards, and even Princesses who hate our guts. Then things went further south.
Literally.
Now we have to manually repair the multiverse.
Its kinda bullshit, but so is being attacked by seagulls.
Stupid birds…
~ I'm Knowledge and I support this message.

————
Inspired by stories such as F*** it I'm Having Fun
Blame these stories and their genius writers for motivating me to do this without actually talking to me: League Of Humans Acting Villainous
I love you pricks…..
Also, if someone could give me some cover art that would be great!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-18 22:04:41 UTC

Less Than You Expected, But More Than You Hoped

---F**k You, And Your Rules!---

---Written By: Derek Watterson, AKA AnimatedGamer---

Chapter 1 -Less Than You Expected, But More Than You Hoped

_________________________________________________________________________

Equestria, Present Time Period, Third person POV, of mainly consisting of our heroes in the scene in which they banter back and forth with one another.

You know, I’m not sure I’ve mentioned how I feel yet, but fuck you guys. James thought dryly to two of his four companions.

Oh fuck you too, it’s not like we asked you two to join us in the Glorious Battle of the Stoning. Austin said once again.

I’ve had FOUR THOUSAND TWENTYSIX YEARS, THREE MONTHS, AND EIGHT MOTHERFUCKING DAYS TO CONTEMPLATE HOW MUCH I HATE THAT DECISION YOU BASTARD! NOT ONCE HAVE I BEEN THANKED FOR BEING LOYAL, AND I AM PISSED BECAUSE OF THAT!

SHUUUUUT UP, OH MY GOD I DON’T CARE! Alex mentally yelled out to rest of the group.

I agree with Alex. Also, just in case none of you idiots are watching, Discord just broke free. Stephanie quietly said.

There was a collective of ‘wots’ right away.

Of course no one is really sure why the wots so suddenly appeared in an orderly fashion, and it’s still a commonly studied subject among scientists of literally all kinds, but more specifically, the scientists who’s appearance in this lame and obviously large parody of recorded events means that soon a large blue handkerchief will wipe all of creation from the largely debated ‘God’s’ nostrils.

Though the question of the wots is also used regularly in debates on why scientists are stupid, who created the wots, and why they suddenly multiplied across the minds of young teens and adults who had nothing better to do then look up crappy meme’s on the internet all day.

Silence…

Goddamit Alex, stop doing that. You know none of us have any idea what you’re going on about when you spout nonsense like that. Austin said while rubbing his non-existing temple in minor frustration.

I quite enjoyed that, myself. Spoke out Sean, who had been for the majority of their time in Stoning, entirely silent.

More silence…

Did Sean just actually just talk? James asked in an as surprised tone you can get when you’re talking through a system of telepathy as crude as they we’re, most of his anger evaporating.

Sean’s in here too? I thought he died by stupidity right before we took a magic to the everything by the Celestial Bitches. Austin thought out to the group.

Nah bro’s, just decided to sleep off most of our time here. Being Chimp is hard, it’s easy to wear out. He stated mater-of-fact.

You slept? Stephanie asked quietly.

Yup, dreamt about ecchi, centered around beaches, schools, and pools. He said happily.

Wow, truly a one track mind. I like! John Delancey complemented.

Q? Questioned James.

Noooo, it’s just little old Discord. He replied appearing in their inner minds eyes, and batting his enlarged eyelashes.

James sighed. Damn… if Q was here, I could’ve talked to him.

Yes, well, as much as that hurts to hear, I have good news for you lot.

Like what? Alex said, jumping the gun.

Like the fact that your Stone Cold prisons are close to shattering.

Four voices rang out. WHEN?!

He looked around for a second before analytically saying. Soon, less than a half a year if I’m reading the output of magic your leaking out versus the magic you all took to the everything during the Glorious Battle of the Stoning right.

Silence reigned again among the Stoners.

Discord, tired of waiting for a response said a few final words. I would narrow it down farther, but there’s always a risk of being wrong, and while I do love me some chaos, I don’t like being wrong. Beyond that, I have some plans for making a theme park in the castle, if you would, please do join me when you do finally break the Icy Stone. He started to fade away.

As he finished he suddenly burst back into focus and saying, By the way, I’m leaving you all a present for when you get out, it’s going to be a blast… ta ta for now. Instead of fading out again, his form blew up leaving a large THOOMF!, behind for them.

After a few moments of that ever annoying silence that could scare the most peaceful of noises, Steph spoke up, What the hell just happened?

A sigh from James then Alex spoke up, I think we got invited to go to a theme park.

There was tension before Austin yelled. WELL NO SHIT, YOU DUMB FUCK!

***************************

-Earth 4,026 Years, 8 Months, 19 Days Ago-

“Come on guys, give me a break.” Breathed out a large figure covered almost entirely in thin metal plating that was spray painted in various shades of blue, obsidian, and white. Actually if he had been a little bit taller and had on a Spartan-ish helmet, he could have fooled just about anyone that looked at him from a distance that he was indeed one of the legendary space marines, considering his large frame.

“Relax James, they’re just being assholes like usual.” Was my response to this already stupid conversation.

“You know it Steph, after all, being an asshole-slash-jerk to everyone I meet is my calling.” Called back our driver, whose name happened to be Austin, and who happened to be our resident complainer, jerk, and self-absorbed, egotistical asshole.

He was dressed up in a large black coat with chains hanging off in the front just below the neck, and a ridiculously large hood on the back laying down against his back.  His hair was colored blond, with several large spikes pointing forward. If you haven’t guessed who he was supposed to be yet, it’s Roxas from Kingdom Hearts, and one of his favorite video game characters from his favorite game series.

I reached up and over the seat and punched his shoulder hard for that stupid comment, oh and he was picking on my boyfriend too, that pisses me off pretty quickly, and even if James preferred to handle that asshole verbally, I preferred to punch him.

Much more fun.

For me.

Not so much for him.

“OW! What the hell was that for?!” Austin yelled back at me as I slipped back to my place against James.

“I do believe she did that because you pissed her off, what with hating on James for nearly the entire trip.” Came a third voice, who without me looking I recognized as Sean, our groups otaku, nerd, and pervert. Of course he never gave me trouble. Never really figured out if it was because he had morals, because I’m his best friend’s girlfriend and he respected me, or if he just didn’t wanna receive my boots to his crotch.

He turned to look at me, staring over the large frame of James chest plate and said “Hey Steph, quick question, why did you decide to cosplay as a Pikachu anyways?”

I looked at his makeup covered face, with large monkey like side bangs, then saw his large robe. I thought back to what character he was cosplaying as and remembered that he had called himself Chimp-Roshi.

I glanced up at James face to see a moment of quick flinching. I looked back at Sean and quickly responded “I like Pikachu.” Before continuing my original plan of leaning on James and watching the road until we arrived at the con.

He sat back after a second and started contemplating my vague answer.

And just as I was about to continue dreamily spacing out as the scenery sped by, a fourth, male, voice popped up in a deep baritone. “Well that was about as vague as you can get,” then he paused before continuing, “Tell me, do you like other things? If you do it might suggest that you can actually process emotions.”

That’s Gavin. He’s probably the oddest one of our rag tag group. He’s also the only one in the vehicle who could even possibly compete with James in size, mostly because he’s exceptionally fat, but also because he’s rather tall, reaching only three inches shorter than James.

I looked over James shoulder to see Gavin with his tablet in his hands and his large, duct tape covered headphones laying on his head. Then for the first time saw his cosplay. He dressed up in regular clothing with a button up-shirt covered in various anime characters, and a pair of blue baggy shorts. Before I could tell him to shut the fuck up, and tell him how he’s one to talk, our last member spoke up from the passenger side front seat.

“You’re calling the kettle black again Gavi… I mean random otaku fat fuck. Seriously, you have the emotions of emotionally disturbed rock that was forced to watch his rock-mom get raped by a stick from its neighbors branches, at least Stephy here has depression and boredom.” That was Alex, he’s the wild card as it was. By that I mean he’s one of those all over the place guys, as in he’s crazy, but in a fun lovable way. If you want a better description, he’s just as likely to offer someone a hug as he is to punch them in their face.

I looked up at his smiling face, noting that instead of his usual muddy brown hair color he had blond hair that was done back in a ponytail with several large bangs in front. Also that his arm was covered by a large black long sleeve shirt and white glove with an equivalent exchange circle on it. When I looked closer though I saw that he was wearing an automail looking layer of metal plates under said long sleeve shirt and glove.

It’s a huge improvement from the first time he was Edward Eric. I could only imagine the rest of the cosplay, mainly because he refused to show it to anyone while he was working on-slash-putting it together, but also because he wouldn't stop bragging about how he spent a lot of money on the most realistic looking props he could find for his left leg and right arm.

“Yes, well the benefit of going as someone I AM, rather than going as someone I’m not, is that I didn't have to spend ridiculous amounts of money on items I can’t make myself.” Replied Gavin dryly.

Wow Gavin, great comeback, ten outta ten. Gg, get ready for the next fat comment.

“Yes, well,” mimicked Austin in a bad accent, “The benefit of spending money is that we look badass, and you look just as stupid as ever.” I could only imagine the gears turning in his head and what they we were composing, probably something along the lines of ‘plus chicks dig mysterious guys, and with this hoodie, I’m going to be able to pull of the mysterious stranger gag like a pro.’

“Oh, and your fat as ever too.” Austin added with a smug grin. I almost reached forward to punch him under the guise of him being an asshole again. Almost.

“OW GODAMMIT!” Oh wait.

There it is.

Did I mention I liked punching him?

I was about to reply with my thoughts but Alex beat me to it. “While it’s true he’s not badass looking like us, and he is fat, he also happens to have the effect of making us look cooler to the average onlooker. That is to say, in comparison with him, we look better. Also, nice form on that punch Stephy.”

I facepalmed on the inside. Though I let a new curve appear on my lips for a fraction of a second.  This trip just happens to get better and better with each passing moment. And by the time we head back, Austin’s going to be covered in bruises at this rate.

James rolled his eyes and let a small smile form, almost as if he read my mind before muttering “I’m starting to think you enjoy inflicting pain on Austin, Steph.”

***************************

MORE LATER THAT DAY THAN YOU THOUGHT, BUT EARLIER THAN WHEN YOU EXPECTED.

The car stopped, pulling into the parking lot of our final destination. Austin shifted the car into park, turned the key and slid it out saying,“Aaand were here, everyone out.”

Almost immediately a mass of bodies leapt out of the vehicle and with the release of all that weight the shocks groaned in reprieve as they stretched back out too the size they were made to stay out at.

Looking around I saw the typical sea of cars surrounding us, but there was also a sea of people, seemingly spreading from the car sea, as the roar of engines died down and even some roars being added as locals and workers left for lunch.

I could feel the energy and excitement as we walked towards the mass of people. It was the opening day of this con, and it was going to be great meeting tons of fellow anime fans and gaming fans as we sauntered through a line.  Then I saw the line in. The line had a line for its line. That’s how big it was.

An hour and a half later and we made it inside, of course we did manage to meet a lot of cool people, most of whom complemented our cosplays. Well, all of us outside Gavin, who had managed to make several allies as he called them.

We all walked around for a bit before splitting up, and by the time we all met back up the doors were closing and everyone was leaving, most talking about the day’s events, but some talking about all the great cosplays they had seen. Most of said people were discussing three certain displays though.

This what I heard;

“Did you see that massive Spartan cosplayer walking around?”

“No, how good was his cosplay?”

“If it weren’t for the fact that Spartan’s weren’t real, I would’ve sworn he was an actual Spartan, between his massive frame, the armor, and helmet.”

“Wow, that good?”

“Yup, actually there was one thing that threw me… he had a Pikachu cosplayer glued to him almost every time I saw him.”

“Oh…. Huh… well did you see the Roxas cosplayer? Or the Edward Elric? Both of them looked like someone pulled them out of the game and show….”

“Impressive… you get pictures?”

“Yup, unlike your Spartan though they had a major flaw outside of followers.”

“Like what?”

“They were both kinda tall, not super big, but tall for the characters…”

“Wanna see if they’re gonna go to the outdoor theater night picnic later tonight?”

“Sure, let’s go try to find them.”

“I think I already see them…”

“Seems like they’re all talking to each other, let’s go ask them how they made their cosplays”

At this point I moved past them, insulted that they didn’t notice my Chimp Roshi cosplay. Oh well, guess we can’t all get recognition like that.

When I finally got to the others I noticed that they all had a piece to their cosplay that they hadn’t walked in with, “Seems like we all left with something new, eeh?”

The all noted my added presence and responded with varied welcomes.

James was the first to show off, he pointed at the detailed helmet resting on his head, “Yea, check out this badass Spartan helmet I found, it’s my favorite from Halo 4 too!”

I looked at the Isaac Clarke like helmet as he pulled it off, before remembering the name, which was something like Ventnor I think...

I nod doing my best to look like I was giving sagely approval, “Nice, nice.”

The next to speak up was Alex, who put his hand up showing off, from what I could tell, and exact replica of the state alchemist watch, saying with a grin, “I found this real metal, working, replica of a state alchemist watch! Oh and this awesome necklace!,” He reached into his shirt and coat pulling out a necklace with an automail looking case surrounding a blood red crystal, “Looks like the Philosophers Stone, doesn’t it?”

I can’t tell if the crowd around us was getting bigger or if they just inhaled sharply, impressed by his sheer luck.

Before I could say something Austin reached under his cloak and behind him, unhooking whatever he found before pulling it out. And I’ll be damned if every single person around us didn’t let out a gasp as he took the two of his objects and put one in his other hand.

“You may have found awesome replica’s of Halo and FMA stuff, but I found life sized, full metal, keyblades. Oath Keeper and Oblivion. Plus Roxas’s necklace, though its make out of some weird obsidian style stone…”

Somehow I managed to find my breath before the others to say, “Damn dude, that’s actually really impressive… all I got to walk away with is this azure staff…. Tomorrow you guys are gonna have to show me where you got this stuff…”

Just as the others managed to pull their eyes away from the beautifully crafted keyblades Steph moved to put her hand up to a new necklace hanging around her neck with a stone on it, and a lightning bolt IN it. Then she put her other hand out to show off a ring with a similar stone in it, “I was with James and we stumbled on them, so he bought them for me.  And then he proposed. Were engaged now.”

Dear god, was she smiling?! Furthermore, did James seriously propose at a convention? While she was in a Pikachu costume! He’s got more balls on him than even I thought….

Of course he had now donned a shit eating grin. And talk about the crowd around us, all them going, “dawwww,” as the two rapped arms around each other.

I was about to make a perverted comment before Gavin pushed through the crowd and stumbled in our circle covered in bruises and scrapes, a large cut across his face. Immediately my reaction changed and I was crouched down over my little brother, people screamed and ran away startled by what they saw as they looked at what had done the damage.

I kept asking him questions like who did this, what happened, but he seemed so scared out of his wits that his eyes wouldn’t leave from the direction he had come from. The others noticed and we turned our heads.

What was there was horrifying.

Imagine a chimera, then add in evil, and insane, and that’s what we saw.

James and Alex stepped up in front, being the brawlers of our group they got into their separate stances, ready to defend the rest of us. Austin being Austin stepped forward but was stopped by them, Alex spoke for both of them, “Austin, we’ll stay here and hold off whatever this… this thing is… you get the others and get out of he-“

The tall snake-like chimera interrupted him, “I don’t think so, chosen. None of you are going anywhere I don’t approve of.”

Everyone stopped right there. That creature just spoke, in a British accent no less…

Alex, being the fucked up in the head person that he was snapped out of his confusion first, and pointed his hand at the strange beast, “You can talk!?”

“Well of course I can bloody-well talk, you fumbling idiot.”

James shook his head and retook his stance, asking, “What are you?”

The beast seemed angry for a second before smiling again, this time brighter, “I’m a Draconequus of course. Names Vice if you must know. Though you really shouldn’t, after all,” Vice paused and looked at Alex, “Because knowledge here should know just about everything there is to know in this current situation.”

Why is he calling Alex knowledge? He isn’t exactly the smartest one here…

But then Alex grabbed his head in his right hand as if he were in pain.

“Alex!” He grunted in pain, but just as quickly as it began, it ended and he faced Vice.

“I know what you are, who you are, but not why you’re here.”

Vice grinned, excited that someone actually knew who he was! It gets lonely after a while when not a single intelligent being knew who you are.

“Good, and great! As to the why… well I have plans for this world now. I’m going to gain complete control over it by making the world powers corrupt,” Alex snorted at that, “I mean corrupted by the same evil inside myself! Not your stupid politicians. But first I need to finish what I started a little bit ago, which is the purging of those who wield the strong magic infused weapons made by the last magically gifted humans.

“You six and three others in the area are my target at the moment, so without further ado,” his grin grew in a malevolent, sharp teeth filled, insane looking smile.

“Bye bye, see you in hell!”

The ground beneath us shifted lose and a large hole formed, dropping us into unknown depths. Listened to the others who in order from Austin, Alex, and James yelled out: “Fuck you, asshole!”

“I hope your grandma chokes on your dick when she realizes you’re a fucked up chimera!”

“I just proposed you sunnaof a bitch! You can’t do this to us!”

I blacked out a few seconds later, and all was quiet to my ears.

***************************