I didn't realize what I would lose.
I was so, so happy with what I had. I was content. I was satisfied.
Everything was perfect.
There were a few trivial mishaps then and there, sure, but I had my friends to help me get over them. They were there through the good times, through the bad times, and through the comfortably uneventful times. I had them, and they had me. We had each other's backs. We were loyal to each other when times were tough and we had no one else to stick to. We were honest with each other, even when things were uncertain. We were kind to one another even when we found it hard to remain calm. We were generous to ponies when they needed it. We spread laughter and peace where ever we went...
We taught each other the meaning of friendship.
Being the Element Bearers set us up for many lessons and trials, and we learned so much... and with each obstacle passed we became closer. Inseparable. I hadn't been happier in my life. I should have known what would happen if, when, I were to lose them...
Of course, I didn't think about it at first. I had been a normal pony, a unicorn with a strong aptitude for magic. I should have figured it out sooner; Celestia doesn't pick just anypony to be her personal, private, one-and-only student, now does she? Yes, she had Sunset Shimmer before me, and I'm sure she's had others before that, but it wasn't common for the Princess of the Sun to choose a student, let alone a lower-nobility filly as her protege. I should have seen it coming.
All those things she told me...
"Take a look at this old unfinished spell that Starswirl the Beared wrote, Twilight". I accepted it eagerly.
"I know you can do it, Twilight." And I was reassured.
"I trust you, Twilight." And I believed her.
Why couldn't I see that she was just using me?
Every time Equestria was in danger, who was sent out to save it? Was it Celestia, the alicorn Princess? The goddess of the Sun? No, no it wasn't. The stuck up, conniving, no good..
She sent us. She sent me. She manipulated my life and pretended to care for me so that I would willing do her biding. I read about Nightmare Moon in a book that had been placed ever so conveniently in my care, and all the research I had to do to confirm my suspicious was at my hoof tips. It had been much too easy, a pony like me not knowing a single detail of the lost princess before--besides the mare in the moon version--being able to learn all about it in the span of twenty-four hours.
It was all set up, a careful plan. My letter to Celestia on that fateful day was just me pushing over the first domino in a long chain of adventure and disaster... and to friendship. Had she known I would make friends there? Had she already seen the Elements in my friends before I discovered them? It was my realization that made them appear, wasn't it? She couldn't have known. So why did she send me? I don't understand...
And if that was her intention, for me to make friends and summon the Elements of Harmony, how could she be so heartless? I was closer to them than anypony else... they surpassed even Shiny and my parents... and... now I'm all alone...
I think I know... deep down inside... that she really did want the best for me. She cares for me, I know she does. I just.. can't think clearly anymore. She saw my potential, and she wanted me to be the best I could possibly be. Like a second mother. I.. she loves me, I know. But.. how could she have so much faith in me? How could she trust me like that? Why did she think I could do it? She knew what the spell would do, the one Starswirl had tried to write all those years ago. She sent it to me when she thought I was ready.
She put me through all those tests, and I passed them. I... I didn't really give her a reason to think I wasn't ready.
But... I don't think I'm strong enough anymore.
She believed in me. She thought I'd be able to live past my friends. I didn't realize that I'd have to say good bye.... forever.
Because now that I'm a princess, an immortal alicorn, I don't get to pass on. I don't get to die. I'm supposed to be strong enough for this, I'm expected to. Celestia trusts me... and so do Luna and Cadance. I can feel the pressure weighing down on my shoulders, crushing me. I'm not supposed to feel like this. I'm not supposed to be this selfish. I learned all they lessons they taught me. I understand friendship more that anyone. All of Equestria is to be treated as my friend.
But I miss them. Oh by harmony's good grace I miss them! I don't think anyone really realizes the type of bonds we had between us. I feel like a vital part of me is missing. And yet, I'm still breathing. I continue to go on. I guess a little part of me is still stubborn enough to let me uphold my duty, or at least attempt to. Frankly, I'm in no shape to do so, and I think ponies are starting to notice...
I think Applejack's tenaciousness has really rubbed off on me. I miss all of you so much...
I don't think I can keep up this facade any longer. I've held it for over one hundred years. One hundred years since they... they left me. I... it was easier at first. Usually, it's the other way around. But I guess it's different when you're in my position. I wasn't foolish. I was prepared. No matter the grievous event, I was able to act calm and speak publicly like a true Equestrian Princess would.
They had faith in me.
I looked strong.
They believed it.
But I was dying on the inside.
It was like someone had tore out my heart and I had to watch them cut it apart, piece by piece, with each passing year. I can feel the memories slipping away from me. Recalling their faces to my mind is more difficult than before, and it hurts. It's hard to hear their voices in my head... Pinkie's cheery voice, Applejack's warm country accent, Rarity's soothing formal speech, Rainbow's confidant talk, Fluttershy's soft words... I'm losing them.
Oh Faust, I'm losing them!
I need to remember.
I can't forget.
I don't want to forget.
Time has already stolen them from me; must it take my memories of them too?
It took just a thousand years for the world to forget of Princess Luna and the tragedy of Nightmare Moon. How did Celestia cope with that? How can she do this? I don't understand... how could she let everyone forget her sister? What if that happens to my friends? Just like how Nightmare Moon faded into an old mare's tale, why shouldn't they?
"The Elements of Harmony and the Mare in the Moon".
Ha, it does sound like a fairy tale.
Is this what they get, after all they gave to Equestria? After all they sacrificed, after they risked their lives time and time again so others could live? After all the times they gave others second chances... Luna... Discord... why did they have to die?
They don't deserve that.
They didn't have to leave me.
I...
I should have gone with them.... I... I'm not strong enough..
I... I can't...
Why me? Why would they choose me?
I'm not good enough I can't do it!
I'm done! I don't want to forget them!
The memories are all I've got.. I don't want to...
I'm all alone..
I...
Why can't I die?
Why must I be the strong one?
Why do I have to keep going?
I don't think I can do it.. I'm not Celestia..
I can't... I'm not... I...
I don't want to live knowing that I'll forget them! And yet, I know I'll always remember the feeling. At least I know that will never leave me. I know I didn't understand at first; I thought that the stories and the text books would help me to remember, to never forget. But being immortal... that means I'll through the rest of everything. Who knows what will happen as time continues to trickle by? Maybe Equestria will fall, and all those books, those written words words I was counting on, will be gone.
Maybe all traces of existence will disappear.
And who would believe some old mare when she told stories of five brave little ponies, the best of friends, who saved the world on countless occasions? At one point in time, wouldn't they just start to think I made it up? Wouldn't I start to think that?
Just some made up characters in the back of my mind?
But... that can't be the case.
And, even if I do never forget, I don't think that I can bear to live this life without them. The made me special. They made my life special. They made every day, every little moment, special to me. It was them that made it possible for me to become a Princess, the greatest honor I could ever receive. But that was no where near the best thing that happened in my life; I would trade this blasted crown for their friendship, for their lives, in an instant if I were given the chance.
They are more important to me than anything. I don't think anyone understands that. Not anypony, not any griffon, not any living creature on the face of this disgusting, unforgivable planet. They don't know what I've been through, and they'll never know!
And as for Celestia.... they only ones close to her have been or are now immortal.
Luna, me, and Cadance? Alicorns.
Discord? Draconequus.
None of us are going to die. She doesn't worry. She is a true Equestrian Princess, because she can keep her focus on her subjects. I, on the other hoof, am constantly distracted by the absence of my friends.
I want them back.
I can't rule like this.
Why do we even need four princesses? I'm starting to think that I'm only here because Celestia, miss perfect, was afraid.
Afraid of loosing somepony close to her for a second time in her life.
It just so happened that that somepony was a mere mortal. So, being an all-powerful alicorn, she simply made me immortal so that she would never have to fear that loss. Well you know what?
I'm done.
I'm done trying to live up to expectations.
I'm leaving.
Good bye, Equestria. Good bye, Celestia.
May your lives be unaware of this putrid selfishness you have to endure. Because of HER.
Author's Note
i MIGHT do more... idk...
