A Story of Insanityby KamiyaItsunoChaptersEntering EquestriaThe courtroom bullcrapEpic CreedRocky IVThe way of the internetEntering EquestriaAuthors note: This is my first story with an OC, I’m gonna try to put the other stories on a hold (except maybe Deadpool In Equestria) while writing this. This character is similar to me in the way he is completely insane and, sorta like Deadpool, he breaks the 4th wall. However, this characters insanity is far beyond that of Deadpools and he is more of a self insert with added insanity (e.g. he shares my love of top hats and firearms). So without further ado. I present The story. Please note this is not a troll fic, the main character acts like this for comedic purposes, and it is not designed to troll anybody, just to poke some fun at my troll self. All of the scientist in the research lab stood there in awe at “Test Subject UM4DBR0”’s aim, it was beyond that of normal. He had hit every target exactly in the bullseye, AND HE WAS WEARING SUNGLASSES! He just adjusted his top hat like a boss before speaking up in the awkwardest fashion any human ever has spoken in before. “LOL you look like you’ve seen a ghost you dumb newfags.” He said to them, holstering his .357,Sheila. “Well if you are done being noobs, can I go now?” The scientist spoke, “Your aim is accurate enough, but your sanity is definitely something that needs to be highly improved on, we are sending you after “Test Subject M4RYSU3”, whom disappeared after descending into the portal, here is her file.” A file was thrown into the test subject’s hands. A female with violet eyes (?) and long flowing blonde hair appeared on the screen. “Test Subject UM4DBR0” simply raised an eyebrow, and read the file. “Raven Darkflow, age 21, beaten as a child , she can do no wrong.” “Now listen here ,test subject, 14 days ago, we sent Raven in to make peace with a foreign dimension, we thought she, of all people could do it. However, she was supposed to contact us on the first week, she did not. Your job is to go in there, and find out what is going on. You think you can handle that?” The scientist said, with a stern voice, everyone in the lab absolutely loved Raven, and she was the favorite test subject. “Yeah, I understand, I just have one question, why can’t I just go in there and achieve peace my way.” The test subject replied, holding up his shotgun, a clear gesture as to what he was thinking of. “We have no idea what is in this dimension, screw up once and you could endanger us all, our goal is to achieve peace.” The scientist said, angered with the test subject's violence and arrogance. “Yeah but I could achieve peace through superior firepower, and be all “WHATCHA GONNA DO ABOUT IT!”. It would be frikkin’ awesome, so stop being a newfag and let me do things my way.” the test subject said. “This isn’t an action movie, besides the weapons you are taking are to be used in self defense only, Raven is too perfect to die, so saving her should be easier than killing off the entire dimension.” The scientist answered. “Okay, but listen here newfag, my name isn’t test subject,” He pumped the shotgun. “Its Epic, Epic McTrolol.” As he walked into the portal, he was geared to the teeth with weapons, he had a belt holstered with 2 357. revolvers, and a lighter and a box of cigarettes, among his back was a 20 gauge Remmington 870 shotgun and in its sheath at his belt was a bowie knife. He lit his cigarette like a boss, and walked slowly towards the beginning of his journey, adjusting his top hat like a boss as he did so. He knew this was either a great victory, or his last stand, either way, It would be the greatest day of his life, he knew that on the other side was his destined place to live the rest of his life. He knew that he would go down in history for this, as the first human to use epic one liners and shoot random civilians in a foreign dimension. He then decided walking wasn’t badass enough for this moment. He spun around and started to moonwalk towards the portal. The moment of truth awaited. He moonwalked through the portal, and shouted “Who’s BAD!” as he turned around to see what wondrous world awaited him. Then he saw it, he himself was a brony so he knew what it was, He couldn’t believe his eyes. Just the very site of this world, the very site of the beautiful land, the peaceful creatures, the serenade of the wind, the valley expanding beyond his site. As he let this wondrous miracle soak in, he said words he will always remember. “F*cking magnets, how do they work?” He was seeing Equestria, and he knew it. He pulled a list out of his mouth. “They never bother to check the inside of my body. Dumb cops.” he said as he read his “What to do if I ever go to Equestria” list. “Number 1. Murder Spree.” He pulled out both of his revolvers and ran out to fire at his opponents, ready to take them down one by one. He ran into Ponyville, firing at nameless background ponies taking them down one by one, shooting them as they all ran away, screaming for their lives. “FIESTA! FIESTA!” He shouted as he threw his top hat and its hidden RAZOR BLADES came out, it cut a background ponies head off in a very high quality animated sequence that wouldn’t be appropriate for children,but was cartoon animated so it would be perfectly appropriate for teenagers, and then it came back to him like a boomerang. He then felt a gentle tug on his shoulder, a soothing tug, a tug that made him want to calm down, like an angel was putting him to sleep, Angel? ANGEL! He turned around remembering the name of a certain bunny to see a yellow pegasus with a pink mane. “Um.. sir, can you please stop what you are doing? I know you think it is fun, but you’re hurting ponies, and it really should stop. Not to mention it is scaring the ones that you aren’t killing or hurting.” She said shyly. He took a minute to ponder this. He was just causing ruthless destruction, was it really worth it? He was just being an asshole, a cruel asshole, with no intentions but murder, and then he felt something he never felt in his life, he felt guilt. He sighed and looked at Fluttershy. “LOLOL YOUR A PETA BITCH! ROFL!” He said, as the guilt turned into happiness. He then went right back to his fun,after making Fluttershy release a tear at the word “Bitch”, before an alicorn with a long blonde flowing mane and violet eyes stopped. The alicorn stood to him, angered at his destruction, but seemingly even more angered at his words to Fluttershy. “You cannot hurt the ponies! You cannot kill the ponies! AND YOU MOST CERTAINLY CANNOT HURT MY GIRLFRIENDS FEELINGS!” She stood at attention. “I AM RAVEN! THE ONE WHO FOUND THE MIGHTY DISCORD’S GOOD,less chaotic, SIDE, THE ONE WHO BECAME A GODDESS AMONG PONIES, AND FRIEND AMONG THE MANE 6! State your name!” Raven said, her mary sueness showing brighter than ever as Fluttershy cried tears of joy at her lover defending her. “Cool story bro, tell it again.” Epic boredly replied to her bullcrap, then he finally connected the dots, he saw she was a mary-sue, his anger grew at this conclusion and he had only one thing to say. He pulled out his shotgun and fired straight at her yelling “ BUCK SHOT!”, knocking her down and making her bleed. “If it bleeds, I can kill it.” he said. As the goddess got back up he lit her on fire, dropped a tank of gas on the fire, and then opened fire....on her while she was on fire, then he put her out and stabbed her a crapload of times with the bowie knife. “Mission failed.” He triumphantly said as Fluttershy cried over the death of her lover. Authors notes : So what do you think of the OC. The courtroom bullcrapAuthors notes: Despite the ratings of the previous chapter, I got rather positive reviews in the comments, which is what I am going for, if you are not going to bother on telling me what you didn’t like, don’t bother expecting improval, however I was asked to use more development, so here is chapter 2, where Epic Mctrolol is on trial for murder. As Epic walked into the courtroom, he knew no attorney on Earth or Equestria would defend him. He was prepared to defend himself, prepared to watch as proved himself innocent, he played a shitload of Phoenix Wright, but the way he was planning on winning this case wasn’t legal. He walked into the courtroom, ready to show evidence of his innocence (if he were innocent), all his evidence was in this briefcase and on his left hand. He was ready to prove himself innocent and free of charges. He was ready to prove his powers, he was ready to prove that he killed that mary sue for a reason. As he sat down, the judge, the Mane 6, and the mary sue that he thought was dead, were all staring him down. “EXPLAIN YOURSELF!”, yelled Raven, angered at her death earlier. “First explain how your alive.”, he replied, bored as all hell. “Easy, Fluttershy’s love for me, combined with my good will for all brought me back, in what was a true moment that touched the heart. Of course you wouldn’t understand that because you don’t have a heart!” She yelled with anger at him. “You mad bro?”, He calmly responded, before giving a smirk. She sighed at his trolling nature, before she handed him a note, which he read aloud. “Your worse than Discord was before he reformed, now he and Celestia are happily married, a fate you will soon meet with one, a fate you will soon understand, for you shall be shot by the Elements of Harmony, which will then revert you to a fine young man. For I believe that anyone no matter how insane can be fixed, for there is a light in all of us, a light which....” He started scribbling down some words on the paper and threw it to her in the form of a paper airplane, which she then unfolded and read aloud. “TL;DR, stop writing down bullcrap and get to the point.” She read aloud before facehoofing at his mediocre response to her long written work, the one she took all night to write just to prove that she forgave him. “Please, young 4channer, if you give us the time we can take all of the bad memories out of you.” she said aloud, an honest look in her beautiful violet (?) eyes. “Bad memories? RULE NUMBER ONE, DON’T TALK ABOUT /b/!” He yelled at her. “How did you know I was a 4channer anyway?” “You really didn’t make it that hard to find out.” The alicorn replied rolling her violet (?) eyes. Witness stand Pinkie Pie went rambling on and on about interrupting her sale by killing her client. Twilight said something about using Spike as a soccer ball being unforgivable. Applejack was mad about the molotov cocktails he threw at Sweet Apple Acres, that ended up destroying half of the trees. Rarity just said the blood was too horrid a site to look at. Rainbow Dash was in Cloudsdale at the time. Fluttershy took out all her anger and literally tried to kick him in the face, but he used his awesomeness to dodge it. Epic was about to hear the verdict, whether or not he would be deemed free or guilty, and he knew the guilty verdict was ahead unless he did something. The judge spoke up, “Well it is clear to us that this man is definitely not normal, he is the same species Raven was when she first entered. I would come down to this, this man is obviously a terrorist.” “OBJECTION!” Epic shouted, using his Phoenix Wrightness to win the case. “If I am a terrorist then my left hand wouldn’t have THIS!” He pulled off his leather biker glove and showed everyone 3 glowing golden triangles, The Triforce of Courage. “What is that!?” said the judge. Epic facepalmed at this question. “I know newfags can’t triforce, but when a newfag doesn’t even know what a triforce is, THAT IS SAD!” The Alicorn mary sue questioned him however, “How do we not know you had that tattoed?” He pulled out a sword with a blue handle and the exact same mark on the handle as his left hand. “Listen bitch, my hearts are full, you better shut your pie-hole.” Epic replied. “I got this sword at a garage sale, the guy who owned it said only the purest of heart could have it, at second glance of me he was all like “It is dangerous to go alone, take this!”. That is my proof. “ The judge merely shook his head, “ I find that to be crap, also I find the Defendant, GUILTY!”, right before he slammed his gavel, a laser shot out of the sword and went right through him. “I warned you that my hearts were full.” Epic said, sheathing the sword. “Well it does not matter you are guilty!” said Raven. “Sorry, the judge decides that. Not the mary-sue.” said Epic, with a smirk on his face. “But he did decide you were guilty! You killed him afterwards.” Twilight interrupted getting a nod from everyone in the room. “Yeah but it’s not made official until the gavel is slammed, and since he was the only official judge, noone in here can officially make the decision.” Epic started to do his victory dance. “I have had enough of your foolery, baliff, take him to be blasted by the Elements of Harmony.” yelled Rarity. The baliff merely shrugged, “Actually, he is right, he just saved himself from the Elements.” “Something tells me this is going to be a long day.” said Twilight as she watched Epic doing the Electric Slide. Authors notes: Was this chapter any better, :D. Epic CreedAuthors notes: This chapter takes place right after sunset, we finally see what Epic does when he gets sad, and I also will put this one through a lot of more emotion and drama to help create a plot but it will still keep a plot. Epic lay down in his sleeping bag in the Everfree forest, he was told by Princess Celestia that he would be under the strict supervision of the Mane 6, but he did not listen to that crap, and from what he did pay attention to, the Mane 6 and Raven didn’t seem so comfortable with it either. Really he didn’t care about a bunch of horses and a mary-sue thought about him. Besides, whether or not that mary-sue had the ability to transform into an alicorn or not did not change the fact she was human. Friendship wasn’t his thing, big deal. That was it, case closed. He really looked up at the stars, and saw one of the constellations start looking at him, it was the brand new constellation, Celestia made it for her and Discord’s wedding from what he had heard. The constellation of Celestia and Discord walked towards him, transforming into an alicorn and draconequus. He immediately got up and pulled out his shotgun, loaded ready to fire. “You know, Epic, I would’ve found you kind of enjoyable, if I was still as evil as I used to be.” Discord spoke up. “But now when I look at you, I see you are one of the least likeable things out there.” “Shut up, n00b.” Epic replied. “If you guys just came here to insult me than that is just sad.” “You know, humans don’t ever wind up in Equestria without a purpose, we had just told the wielders of the elements before looking for you.” Celestia spoke up before looking Epic in the eye. “Whatever you wound up here for, it was for a reason.” “Well I know that dumbass, my mission was to rescue Raven. After I found out she was a mary-sue, I was proud to announce that I temporarily killed her, but then the stupid PETA bitch brought her back.” Epic replied, making Discord release a chuckle. “No no no, not your mission. There is an ancient spell on Equestria, Celestia made, that in order for someone to get into Equestria. They must be helpful to Equestria. For Raven it was reforming me and saving Equestria from my powers a second time, think about an important job you had back home, maybe that will help you remember.” Epic thought about this, his job back home wouldn’t be considered the most helpful according to civilians, nor would it get his record any better. Was it fun? Yes. Was it violent? Yes Did it pay? Yes. He finally decided he would do it. He grabbed the suitcase he brought with him, pulling out 2 hidden blades and his Altair costume, he attached each to his ring fingerless hands, and got ready for awesomeness. He then realized he would have to tell the ponies about his job somehow, about his awesome assassin job of awesomeness, then he remembered the rap song. He put his hood over his head so it was blocking his face, and then he grabbed his things and walked to Ponyville. “Hello Ponyville!” He yelled with glee as he walked up onto the stage, Trixie had left it behind from her visit to Ponyville. He gripped the mic firmer in his hand and began to talk after waking everypony up. “What is up, listen, I just got a visit, a visit that changed my view on all of you.” He said, the ponies all giving angry looks at him. “A visit that told me I was brought here for a reason, I hope we can all be friends.” He shouted out. This actually started to make the ponies smile warmly at him, they guessed he must’ve been shot by the Elements of Harmony after all. “And now, I will tell you the reason, it is probably the same job I had on earth, I got the job from an ad on Craigslist, and since then it turned out that the job was in my blood. I am going to tell you, about my purpose as an assassin.”. This made all of the ponies frown, assassin obviously, despite seeming so much like his nature, wasn’t what they were expecting at all. He then told Vinyl Scratch to lay out a rap beat. He started singing. “Im like a Ninja, Hiyaa, come to make you bleed Tip toein through the shadows, cause Im light on my feet, Jumping off rooftops, using stealth to kill ya Its like Ive been here before, this place is looking familiar With a price on your head, theres no place you can hide Ill use swords, blades, spears, poison, arrows, and knives I take lives away, until there aint none left, Im not a fan of Justin Bieber, Im the Angel of Death I put the Ass in Assassin, Im kind of a Clown But the guards will never catch me I dont want to get found, Signing mad contracts, and and racking up bids Takin way more hits than Rihanna did Ohhhh, And did I mention Im the master of disguise Stab you right in your back from behind 3 times Was it me, or him, or somebody else When you see me come a runnin then youll poop yourself Some People have normal lives, My only friends are blades, poisen arrows, and knives Some People have a death wish Ill Ghost you motherfucker, make you UN exist Its looking Bleak, I come to make you bleed No chance to escape, its Assassins Creed, So Bleak Keep my voice low, no need to get loud And if you think youve got me pegged, then I blend into the crowd Hanging around with harlots and prostitutes Turn around for a second, Ill pickpocket your loot And shoot my hidden blade right into your chest The axe to your dome is making a mess Their perplexed, Hey. where did that guy go? Crawlin up the building, hanging off the window On the low, take a nap in the hay, let the law pass, Then pop out with my blade stick it in your ass Im fast, and to kill is my mission Checking out mad butts with my eagle vision Get out of my kitchen, when Im cooking up pain, Tossing coins to the crowd, straight making it rain Im a cereal killer, always eating fruit loops, But I always got some time to stop and stare at some boobs. Some People get no respect, Ill send you swinging with a noose around your neck Some people are over rated, Like a chicken with no head, Ill leave you decapitated Well being a killer really is lonely Its hard to find a chick that is sick enough to bone me, So I keep it undercover that my lover is my hand, And if youve never had to do it, then you wouldnt understand And my plan is to take everyone of you out, Toss your ass off the roof or put some poison in your mouth, And No doubt you cant shout with my sword in your ear, Like Houdini youll disappear, later Yeah of course Im running around on my horse, Always swinging my sword, straight leaving a corpse, Killing off the bad guys it never gets old, Revenge is a dish that is best served cold you can try to run, if you want, but youll never escape, I got the hidden Gun, Cocked, pointed right at your face, So watch your back because Im Dangerous, Im the motherfuckin King of the Animus” All of the ponies stood in awe at this. They took steps back away from him, before Sweetie Belle spoke up. “That was awesome!” Authors notes: This chapter was the result of playing some Assassins Creed 2, I have all 3 except Revelations, which I don’t plan on getting. The rap “Make You Bleed” belongs to TEAMHEADKICK and I take no credit for it, but it is awesome. Rocky IVAuthors note : I think this chapter is something.... different, from the previous ones Epic sat down and watched the sunrise, apparently all that little “outburst” did was get him scolded by Rarity, something about “corrupting her sister”, he really didn’t pay attention to a newfags needs. He pulled out his “In Equestria” list, “2.After doing a Rocky IV training montage, climb mountain from the episode Dragonshy and then shout DRAGO!!!!!!!!” He decided to get to work on this task, of course a certain mary-sue had told a certain rainbow pegasus to stalk him though. ♫Silence in the darkness creeps into your soul Envy moves the light of self control The gate that holds you captive has the door Burnin' with determination to even up the score♫ Applejack stood in awe as she watched the maniac cut down her trees, she then tried to hide her sexual attraction to the epic muscles he got doing so. ♫Heart's on fire, strong desire, rages deep within Heart's on fire, fever's risin', high The moment of truth draws near♫ Derpy watched in awe as the maniac carried the entire crates of mail she was supposed to deliver, she then tried to hide her sexual attraction to the epic muscles he got doing so. ♫Time will not allow you to stay still, no Silence breaks the heart and bends the will Defense is guilty passions out of control Rules and regulations have no meaning any more ♫ Fluttershy and Raven watched in awe as the maniac manhandled their pet she then bear, Fluttershy (Raven being too much of a mary sue to get aroused by anyone but her beloved) tried to hide her sexual attraction to the epic muscles he got doing so. ♫Heart's on fire, strong desire, rages deep within Heart's on fire, fever's risin', high The moment of truth is here♫ OH! Is here Oh yeeeeeaaaaaah! ♫Heart's on fire, strong desire, rages deep within Fever's risin', energizin', right up to till end♫ The maniac ran up the mountain, determined to get to the top, he then tried to hide his sexual attraction to the epic muscles he got getting up here. ♫Heart's on fire (heart's on fire), Strong desire (heart's on fire) Rages deep within Ooooh FADES- Fever's risin' (heart's on fire) Energizin' (heart's on fire) Right up till the end Ooooh Heart's on fire (heart's on fire) (heart's on fire) Strong desire (heart's on fire) ♫ “DRAGO!!! DRAGO!!!! DRAGO!!!!” He yelled now that he was at the top of the mountain\ “What the hell are you doing?” said Rainbow Dash, before she gasped and covered her mouth revealing she just blew her cover. “It’s ok, no need to gasp, I know my muscles are awesome.” He replied. She smacked him, “I’m a lesbian you retard.” “LOL UR GAY UR GAY UR GAY.” Epic laughed after hearing her complaint. “I just said that.” replied Rainbow Dash, now fed up with Epic’s antics. “YOUR STILL GAY! Hey my fellow 4channers, Rainbow Dash just admitted to being closeted.” He laughed into a webcam on his phone. “Woah there, no need to start rumors about my sexuality!” Rainbow Dash nervously said. “Rumors that would be true.” He arrogantly replied before breaking into a dance. Authors notes: Yeah I got very lazy with this chapter, I need a co-writer to help me iron this all out. The next 6 chapters will be about Epic meeting with the mane 6, now we have Rainbow Dash, next is Applejack The way of the internetEpic sat there, now because of blackmailing Rainbow Dash, he was put in Applejacks care, Applejack being the only pony not to lie or keep secrets from her friends, so he couldn’t blackmail her anyway (well he wasn’t exactly her friend, but he knew He couldn’t get anything out of her). It was a complete borefest. He watched the clouds fly by, while Applejack kept a close eye on him, making sure his bag of weapons was on the other side of the room. He spoke up. “You can’t keep them away from me that long, besides you forgot to take Sheila and Sarah.”, he said, pulling out 2 S&W 357. caliber revolvers, his pride and joy came from said guns. “Give em ‘ere”, sighed Applejack after seeing the weapons being twirled in Epic’s hands. “No way bitch, dual wielding pistols is my thing, well I stole it from Devil May Cry, but it is still my thing.” Epic replied, laughing at her feeble command. “Listen, I’ll let y’all in on a secret, if you just gimme the weapons.” Applejack surrendered, now seeing there is no possible way he would go down losing. “Knowledge for knowledge, kiddo.” Epic improvised, being the hotshot blackmailer he is, he would not let the info get away, but in no way was he giving her Sheila and Sarah. “No, gimme the guns and I’ll tell you the stuff. Deal or no deal.” Applejack raised an eyebrow, what kind of knowledge could he have that she wanted. “Listen bitch, I don’t trust you with Sheila and Sarah, they’re my babies, my life, they are the reason I’m still alive now.”, he said. “Touching.” Applejack replied before giving a “You’re kidding” look. “It is, isn’t it?” Epic said, “Take my deal or don’t. I don’t really need the information.” “Your ‘deal’ sounds like a load of crap.” Applejack replied, before continuing “I mean what could y’all possibly have to offer me that I don’t already know.” “I could tell you what made me, me.” Epic said. Applejacks eyes grew wide at this, she needed to know what corrupted what could be such a high potential human being, mainly so she could teach it a lesson. “ Its a land called the internet, I’ll tell you all about it if you give me the information.” Epic smirked remembering his first time being Rick rolled. “Oh fine, you win, listen here, I think it’s me Rainbow Dash has a lustin’ for, she’s always staring my way, practically eyeballing me. It’s creepy as hell.” Epic smirked, being a man of his word, he told her about the internet, he told her all about shock videos and Rule 34, to Nyan Cat and Caramelldansen. Applejack continuously barfed in the bucket. “I don’t get it, what kind of woman would do that in a cup.” she said before continuing to barf, Epic started to pat her on the back. “Yep, the internet is a scary place. A scary scary place.” Epic gagged remembering having to sit through the video of that poor poor cup. “Hey, Applejack, me and Fluttershy got here as soon as we heard the news.” Raven announced proudly,, now in her human form, but still just as much of a mary sue as ever. “What the hell did you tell her about, Epic!?” “The internet.” Epic replied. “He said it was a horrifying place, but I thought I could take it, but then he got to the parts about the partying with lemons. and then to the part about that picture called goatsomething and then.” Applejack went right back to barfing. Epic started laughing, before seeing Rainbow Dash fly by and getting the biggest smirk he had ever gotten. “Hey Rainbow Dash! How are the cowgirl fantasies going!” He yelled out, making Rainbow turn bright red and for the 3rd time in history, a Sonic rainboom was performed. Epic laughed his butt off as Raven, Fluttershy, and Applejack, all looked angrily at him.
Entering EquestriaAuthors note: This is my first story with an OC, I’m gonna try to put the other stories on a hold (except maybe Deadpool In Equestria) while writing this. This character is similar to me in the way he is completely insane and, sorta like Deadpool, he breaks the 4th wall. However, this characters insanity is far beyond that of Deadpools and he is more of a self insert with added insanity (e.g. he shares my love of top hats and firearms). So without further ado. I present The story. Please note this is not a troll fic, the main character acts like this for comedic purposes, and it is not designed to troll anybody, just to poke some fun at my troll self. All of the scientist in the research lab stood there in awe at “Test Subject UM4DBR0”’s aim, it was beyond that of normal. He had hit every target exactly in the bullseye, AND HE WAS WEARING SUNGLASSES! He just adjusted his top hat like a boss before speaking up in the awkwardest fashion any human ever has spoken in before. “LOL you look like you’ve seen a ghost you dumb newfags.” He said to them, holstering his .357,Sheila. “Well if you are done being noobs, can I go now?” The scientist spoke, “Your aim is accurate enough, but your sanity is definitely something that needs to be highly improved on, we are sending you after “Test Subject M4RYSU3”, whom disappeared after descending into the portal, here is her file.” A file was thrown into the test subject’s hands. A female with violet eyes (?) and long flowing blonde hair appeared on the screen. “Test Subject UM4DBR0” simply raised an eyebrow, and read the file. “Raven Darkflow, age 21, beaten as a child , she can do no wrong.” “Now listen here ,test subject, 14 days ago, we sent Raven in to make peace with a foreign dimension, we thought she, of all people could do it. However, she was supposed to contact us on the first week, she did not. Your job is to go in there, and find out what is going on. You think you can handle that?” The scientist said, with a stern voice, everyone in the lab absolutely loved Raven, and she was the favorite test subject. “Yeah, I understand, I just have one question, why can’t I just go in there and achieve peace my way.” The test subject replied, holding up his shotgun, a clear gesture as to what he was thinking of. “We have no idea what is in this dimension, screw up once and you could endanger us all, our goal is to achieve peace.” The scientist said, angered with the test subject's violence and arrogance. “Yeah but I could achieve peace through superior firepower, and be all “WHATCHA GONNA DO ABOUT IT!”. It would be frikkin’ awesome, so stop being a newfag and let me do things my way.” the test subject said. “This isn’t an action movie, besides the weapons you are taking are to be used in self defense only, Raven is too perfect to die, so saving her should be easier than killing off the entire dimension.” The scientist answered. “Okay, but listen here newfag, my name isn’t test subject,” He pumped the shotgun. “Its Epic, Epic McTrolol.” As he walked into the portal, he was geared to the teeth with weapons, he had a belt holstered with 2 357. revolvers, and a lighter and a box of cigarettes, among his back was a 20 gauge Remmington 870 shotgun and in its sheath at his belt was a bowie knife. He lit his cigarette like a boss, and walked slowly towards the beginning of his journey, adjusting his top hat like a boss as he did so. He knew this was either a great victory, or his last stand, either way, It would be the greatest day of his life, he knew that on the other side was his destined place to live the rest of his life. He knew that he would go down in history for this, as the first human to use epic one liners and shoot random civilians in a foreign dimension. He then decided walking wasn’t badass enough for this moment. He spun around and started to moonwalk towards the portal. The moment of truth awaited. He moonwalked through the portal, and shouted “Who’s BAD!” as he turned around to see what wondrous world awaited him. Then he saw it, he himself was a brony so he knew what it was, He couldn’t believe his eyes. Just the very site of this world, the very site of the beautiful land, the peaceful creatures, the serenade of the wind, the valley expanding beyond his site. As he let this wondrous miracle soak in, he said words he will always remember. “F*cking magnets, how do they work?” He was seeing Equestria, and he knew it. He pulled a list out of his mouth. “They never bother to check the inside of my body. Dumb cops.” he said as he read his “What to do if I ever go to Equestria” list. “Number 1. Murder Spree.” He pulled out both of his revolvers and ran out to fire at his opponents, ready to take them down one by one. He ran into Ponyville, firing at nameless background ponies taking them down one by one, shooting them as they all ran away, screaming for their lives. “FIESTA! FIESTA!” He shouted as he threw his top hat and its hidden RAZOR BLADES came out, it cut a background ponies head off in a very high quality animated sequence that wouldn’t be appropriate for children,but was cartoon animated so it would be perfectly appropriate for teenagers, and then it came back to him like a boomerang. He then felt a gentle tug on his shoulder, a soothing tug, a tug that made him want to calm down, like an angel was putting him to sleep, Angel? ANGEL! He turned around remembering the name of a certain bunny to see a yellow pegasus with a pink mane. “Um.. sir, can you please stop what you are doing? I know you think it is fun, but you’re hurting ponies, and it really should stop. Not to mention it is scaring the ones that you aren’t killing or hurting.” She said shyly. He took a minute to ponder this. He was just causing ruthless destruction, was it really worth it? He was just being an asshole, a cruel asshole, with no intentions but murder, and then he felt something he never felt in his life, he felt guilt. He sighed and looked at Fluttershy. “LOLOL YOUR A PETA BITCH! ROFL!” He said, as the guilt turned into happiness. He then went right back to his fun,after making Fluttershy release a tear at the word “Bitch”, before an alicorn with a long blonde flowing mane and violet eyes stopped. The alicorn stood to him, angered at his destruction, but seemingly even more angered at his words to Fluttershy. “You cannot hurt the ponies! You cannot kill the ponies! AND YOU MOST CERTAINLY CANNOT HURT MY GIRLFRIENDS FEELINGS!” She stood at attention. “I AM RAVEN! THE ONE WHO FOUND THE MIGHTY DISCORD’S GOOD,less chaotic, SIDE, THE ONE WHO BECAME A GODDESS AMONG PONIES, AND FRIEND AMONG THE MANE 6! State your name!” Raven said, her mary sueness showing brighter than ever as Fluttershy cried tears of joy at her lover defending her. “Cool story bro, tell it again.” Epic boredly replied to her bullcrap, then he finally connected the dots, he saw she was a mary-sue, his anger grew at this conclusion and he had only one thing to say. He pulled out his shotgun and fired straight at her yelling “ BUCK SHOT!”, knocking her down and making her bleed. “If it bleeds, I can kill it.” he said. As the goddess got back up he lit her on fire, dropped a tank of gas on the fire, and then opened fire....on her while she was on fire, then he put her out and stabbed her a crapload of times with the bowie knife. “Mission failed.” He triumphantly said as Fluttershy cried over the death of her lover. Authors notes : So what do you think of the OC.
The courtroom bullcrapAuthors notes: Despite the ratings of the previous chapter, I got rather positive reviews in the comments, which is what I am going for, if you are not going to bother on telling me what you didn’t like, don’t bother expecting improval, however I was asked to use more development, so here is chapter 2, where Epic Mctrolol is on trial for murder. As Epic walked into the courtroom, he knew no attorney on Earth or Equestria would defend him. He was prepared to defend himself, prepared to watch as proved himself innocent, he played a shitload of Phoenix Wright, but the way he was planning on winning this case wasn’t legal. He walked into the courtroom, ready to show evidence of his innocence (if he were innocent), all his evidence was in this briefcase and on his left hand. He was ready to prove himself innocent and free of charges. He was ready to prove his powers, he was ready to prove that he killed that mary sue for a reason. As he sat down, the judge, the Mane 6, and the mary sue that he thought was dead, were all staring him down. “EXPLAIN YOURSELF!”, yelled Raven, angered at her death earlier. “First explain how your alive.”, he replied, bored as all hell. “Easy, Fluttershy’s love for me, combined with my good will for all brought me back, in what was a true moment that touched the heart. Of course you wouldn’t understand that because you don’t have a heart!” She yelled with anger at him. “You mad bro?”, He calmly responded, before giving a smirk. She sighed at his trolling nature, before she handed him a note, which he read aloud. “Your worse than Discord was before he reformed, now he and Celestia are happily married, a fate you will soon meet with one, a fate you will soon understand, for you shall be shot by the Elements of Harmony, which will then revert you to a fine young man. For I believe that anyone no matter how insane can be fixed, for there is a light in all of us, a light which....” He started scribbling down some words on the paper and threw it to her in the form of a paper airplane, which she then unfolded and read aloud. “TL;DR, stop writing down bullcrap and get to the point.” She read aloud before facehoofing at his mediocre response to her long written work, the one she took all night to write just to prove that she forgave him. “Please, young 4channer, if you give us the time we can take all of the bad memories out of you.” she said aloud, an honest look in her beautiful violet (?) eyes. “Bad memories? RULE NUMBER ONE, DON’T TALK ABOUT /b/!” He yelled at her. “How did you know I was a 4channer anyway?” “You really didn’t make it that hard to find out.” The alicorn replied rolling her violet (?) eyes. Witness stand Pinkie Pie went rambling on and on about interrupting her sale by killing her client. Twilight said something about using Spike as a soccer ball being unforgivable. Applejack was mad about the molotov cocktails he threw at Sweet Apple Acres, that ended up destroying half of the trees. Rarity just said the blood was too horrid a site to look at. Rainbow Dash was in Cloudsdale at the time. Fluttershy took out all her anger and literally tried to kick him in the face, but he used his awesomeness to dodge it. Epic was about to hear the verdict, whether or not he would be deemed free or guilty, and he knew the guilty verdict was ahead unless he did something. The judge spoke up, “Well it is clear to us that this man is definitely not normal, he is the same species Raven was when she first entered. I would come down to this, this man is obviously a terrorist.” “OBJECTION!” Epic shouted, using his Phoenix Wrightness to win the case. “If I am a terrorist then my left hand wouldn’t have THIS!” He pulled off his leather biker glove and showed everyone 3 glowing golden triangles, The Triforce of Courage. “What is that!?” said the judge. Epic facepalmed at this question. “I know newfags can’t triforce, but when a newfag doesn’t even know what a triforce is, THAT IS SAD!” The Alicorn mary sue questioned him however, “How do we not know you had that tattoed?” He pulled out a sword with a blue handle and the exact same mark on the handle as his left hand. “Listen bitch, my hearts are full, you better shut your pie-hole.” Epic replied. “I got this sword at a garage sale, the guy who owned it said only the purest of heart could have it, at second glance of me he was all like “It is dangerous to go alone, take this!”. That is my proof. “ The judge merely shook his head, “ I find that to be crap, also I find the Defendant, GUILTY!”, right before he slammed his gavel, a laser shot out of the sword and went right through him. “I warned you that my hearts were full.” Epic said, sheathing the sword. “Well it does not matter you are guilty!” said Raven. “Sorry, the judge decides that. Not the mary-sue.” said Epic, with a smirk on his face. “But he did decide you were guilty! You killed him afterwards.” Twilight interrupted getting a nod from everyone in the room. “Yeah but it’s not made official until the gavel is slammed, and since he was the only official judge, noone in here can officially make the decision.” Epic started to do his victory dance. “I have had enough of your foolery, baliff, take him to be blasted by the Elements of Harmony.” yelled Rarity. The baliff merely shrugged, “Actually, he is right, he just saved himself from the Elements.” “Something tells me this is going to be a long day.” said Twilight as she watched Epic doing the Electric Slide. Authors notes: Was this chapter any better, :D.
Epic CreedAuthors notes: This chapter takes place right after sunset, we finally see what Epic does when he gets sad, and I also will put this one through a lot of more emotion and drama to help create a plot but it will still keep a plot. Epic lay down in his sleeping bag in the Everfree forest, he was told by Princess Celestia that he would be under the strict supervision of the Mane 6, but he did not listen to that crap, and from what he did pay attention to, the Mane 6 and Raven didn’t seem so comfortable with it either. Really he didn’t care about a bunch of horses and a mary-sue thought about him. Besides, whether or not that mary-sue had the ability to transform into an alicorn or not did not change the fact she was human. Friendship wasn’t his thing, big deal. That was it, case closed. He really looked up at the stars, and saw one of the constellations start looking at him, it was the brand new constellation, Celestia made it for her and Discord’s wedding from what he had heard. The constellation of Celestia and Discord walked towards him, transforming into an alicorn and draconequus. He immediately got up and pulled out his shotgun, loaded ready to fire. “You know, Epic, I would’ve found you kind of enjoyable, if I was still as evil as I used to be.” Discord spoke up. “But now when I look at you, I see you are one of the least likeable things out there.” “Shut up, n00b.” Epic replied. “If you guys just came here to insult me than that is just sad.” “You know, humans don’t ever wind up in Equestria without a purpose, we had just told the wielders of the elements before looking for you.” Celestia spoke up before looking Epic in the eye. “Whatever you wound up here for, it was for a reason.” “Well I know that dumbass, my mission was to rescue Raven. After I found out she was a mary-sue, I was proud to announce that I temporarily killed her, but then the stupid PETA bitch brought her back.” Epic replied, making Discord release a chuckle. “No no no, not your mission. There is an ancient spell on Equestria, Celestia made, that in order for someone to get into Equestria. They must be helpful to Equestria. For Raven it was reforming me and saving Equestria from my powers a second time, think about an important job you had back home, maybe that will help you remember.” Epic thought about this, his job back home wouldn’t be considered the most helpful according to civilians, nor would it get his record any better. Was it fun? Yes. Was it violent? Yes Did it pay? Yes. He finally decided he would do it. He grabbed the suitcase he brought with him, pulling out 2 hidden blades and his Altair costume, he attached each to his ring fingerless hands, and got ready for awesomeness. He then realized he would have to tell the ponies about his job somehow, about his awesome assassin job of awesomeness, then he remembered the rap song. He put his hood over his head so it was blocking his face, and then he grabbed his things and walked to Ponyville. “Hello Ponyville!” He yelled with glee as he walked up onto the stage, Trixie had left it behind from her visit to Ponyville. He gripped the mic firmer in his hand and began to talk after waking everypony up. “What is up, listen, I just got a visit, a visit that changed my view on all of you.” He said, the ponies all giving angry looks at him. “A visit that told me I was brought here for a reason, I hope we can all be friends.” He shouted out. This actually started to make the ponies smile warmly at him, they guessed he must’ve been shot by the Elements of Harmony after all. “And now, I will tell you the reason, it is probably the same job I had on earth, I got the job from an ad on Craigslist, and since then it turned out that the job was in my blood. I am going to tell you, about my purpose as an assassin.”. This made all of the ponies frown, assassin obviously, despite seeming so much like his nature, wasn’t what they were expecting at all. He then told Vinyl Scratch to lay out a rap beat. He started singing. “Im like a Ninja, Hiyaa, come to make you bleed Tip toein through the shadows, cause Im light on my feet, Jumping off rooftops, using stealth to kill ya Its like Ive been here before, this place is looking familiar With a price on your head, theres no place you can hide Ill use swords, blades, spears, poison, arrows, and knives I take lives away, until there aint none left, Im not a fan of Justin Bieber, Im the Angel of Death I put the Ass in Assassin, Im kind of a Clown But the guards will never catch me I dont want to get found, Signing mad contracts, and and racking up bids Takin way more hits than Rihanna did Ohhhh, And did I mention Im the master of disguise Stab you right in your back from behind 3 times Was it me, or him, or somebody else When you see me come a runnin then youll poop yourself Some People have normal lives, My only friends are blades, poisen arrows, and knives Some People have a death wish Ill Ghost you motherfucker, make you UN exist Its looking Bleak, I come to make you bleed No chance to escape, its Assassins Creed, So Bleak Keep my voice low, no need to get loud And if you think youve got me pegged, then I blend into the crowd Hanging around with harlots and prostitutes Turn around for a second, Ill pickpocket your loot And shoot my hidden blade right into your chest The axe to your dome is making a mess Their perplexed, Hey. where did that guy go? Crawlin up the building, hanging off the window On the low, take a nap in the hay, let the law pass, Then pop out with my blade stick it in your ass Im fast, and to kill is my mission Checking out mad butts with my eagle vision Get out of my kitchen, when Im cooking up pain, Tossing coins to the crowd, straight making it rain Im a cereal killer, always eating fruit loops, But I always got some time to stop and stare at some boobs. Some People get no respect, Ill send you swinging with a noose around your neck Some people are over rated, Like a chicken with no head, Ill leave you decapitated Well being a killer really is lonely Its hard to find a chick that is sick enough to bone me, So I keep it undercover that my lover is my hand, And if youve never had to do it, then you wouldnt understand And my plan is to take everyone of you out, Toss your ass off the roof or put some poison in your mouth, And No doubt you cant shout with my sword in your ear, Like Houdini youll disappear, later Yeah of course Im running around on my horse, Always swinging my sword, straight leaving a corpse, Killing off the bad guys it never gets old, Revenge is a dish that is best served cold you can try to run, if you want, but youll never escape, I got the hidden Gun, Cocked, pointed right at your face, So watch your back because Im Dangerous, Im the motherfuckin King of the Animus” All of the ponies stood in awe at this. They took steps back away from him, before Sweetie Belle spoke up. “That was awesome!” Authors notes: This chapter was the result of playing some Assassins Creed 2, I have all 3 except Revelations, which I don’t plan on getting. The rap “Make You Bleed” belongs to TEAMHEADKICK and I take no credit for it, but it is awesome.
Rocky IVAuthors note : I think this chapter is something.... different, from the previous ones Epic sat down and watched the sunrise, apparently all that little “outburst” did was get him scolded by Rarity, something about “corrupting her sister”, he really didn’t pay attention to a newfags needs. He pulled out his “In Equestria” list, “2.After doing a Rocky IV training montage, climb mountain from the episode Dragonshy and then shout DRAGO!!!!!!!!” He decided to get to work on this task, of course a certain mary-sue had told a certain rainbow pegasus to stalk him though. ♫Silence in the darkness creeps into your soul Envy moves the light of self control The gate that holds you captive has the door Burnin' with determination to even up the score♫ Applejack stood in awe as she watched the maniac cut down her trees, she then tried to hide her sexual attraction to the epic muscles he got doing so. ♫Heart's on fire, strong desire, rages deep within Heart's on fire, fever's risin', high The moment of truth draws near♫ Derpy watched in awe as the maniac carried the entire crates of mail she was supposed to deliver, she then tried to hide her sexual attraction to the epic muscles he got doing so. ♫Time will not allow you to stay still, no Silence breaks the heart and bends the will Defense is guilty passions out of control Rules and regulations have no meaning any more ♫ Fluttershy and Raven watched in awe as the maniac manhandled their pet she then bear, Fluttershy (Raven being too much of a mary sue to get aroused by anyone but her beloved) tried to hide her sexual attraction to the epic muscles he got doing so. ♫Heart's on fire, strong desire, rages deep within Heart's on fire, fever's risin', high The moment of truth is here♫ OH! Is here Oh yeeeeeaaaaaah! ♫Heart's on fire, strong desire, rages deep within Fever's risin', energizin', right up to till end♫ The maniac ran up the mountain, determined to get to the top, he then tried to hide his sexual attraction to the epic muscles he got getting up here. ♫Heart's on fire (heart's on fire), Strong desire (heart's on fire) Rages deep within Ooooh FADES- Fever's risin' (heart's on fire) Energizin' (heart's on fire) Right up till the end Ooooh Heart's on fire (heart's on fire) (heart's on fire) Strong desire (heart's on fire) ♫ “DRAGO!!! DRAGO!!!! DRAGO!!!!” He yelled now that he was at the top of the mountain\ “What the hell are you doing?” said Rainbow Dash, before she gasped and covered her mouth revealing she just blew her cover. “It’s ok, no need to gasp, I know my muscles are awesome.” He replied. She smacked him, “I’m a lesbian you retard.” “LOL UR GAY UR GAY UR GAY.” Epic laughed after hearing her complaint. “I just said that.” replied Rainbow Dash, now fed up with Epic’s antics. “YOUR STILL GAY! Hey my fellow 4channers, Rainbow Dash just admitted to being closeted.” He laughed into a webcam on his phone. “Woah there, no need to start rumors about my sexuality!” Rainbow Dash nervously said. “Rumors that would be true.” He arrogantly replied before breaking into a dance. Authors notes: Yeah I got very lazy with this chapter, I need a co-writer to help me iron this all out. The next 6 chapters will be about Epic meeting with the mane 6, now we have Rainbow Dash, next is Applejack
The way of the internetEpic sat there, now because of blackmailing Rainbow Dash, he was put in Applejacks care, Applejack being the only pony not to lie or keep secrets from her friends, so he couldn’t blackmail her anyway (well he wasn’t exactly her friend, but he knew He couldn’t get anything out of her). It was a complete borefest. He watched the clouds fly by, while Applejack kept a close eye on him, making sure his bag of weapons was on the other side of the room. He spoke up. “You can’t keep them away from me that long, besides you forgot to take Sheila and Sarah.”, he said, pulling out 2 S&W 357. caliber revolvers, his pride and joy came from said guns. “Give em ‘ere”, sighed Applejack after seeing the weapons being twirled in Epic’s hands. “No way bitch, dual wielding pistols is my thing, well I stole it from Devil May Cry, but it is still my thing.” Epic replied, laughing at her feeble command. “Listen, I’ll let y’all in on a secret, if you just gimme the weapons.” Applejack surrendered, now seeing there is no possible way he would go down losing. “Knowledge for knowledge, kiddo.” Epic improvised, being the hotshot blackmailer he is, he would not let the info get away, but in no way was he giving her Sheila and Sarah. “No, gimme the guns and I’ll tell you the stuff. Deal or no deal.” Applejack raised an eyebrow, what kind of knowledge could he have that she wanted. “Listen bitch, I don’t trust you with Sheila and Sarah, they’re my babies, my life, they are the reason I’m still alive now.”, he said. “Touching.” Applejack replied before giving a “You’re kidding” look. “It is, isn’t it?” Epic said, “Take my deal or don’t. I don’t really need the information.” “Your ‘deal’ sounds like a load of crap.” Applejack replied, before continuing “I mean what could y’all possibly have to offer me that I don’t already know.” “I could tell you what made me, me.” Epic said. Applejacks eyes grew wide at this, she needed to know what corrupted what could be such a high potential human being, mainly so she could teach it a lesson. “ Its a land called the internet, I’ll tell you all about it if you give me the information.” Epic smirked remembering his first time being Rick rolled. “Oh fine, you win, listen here, I think it’s me Rainbow Dash has a lustin’ for, she’s always staring my way, practically eyeballing me. It’s creepy as hell.” Epic smirked, being a man of his word, he told her about the internet, he told her all about shock videos and Rule 34, to Nyan Cat and Caramelldansen. Applejack continuously barfed in the bucket. “I don’t get it, what kind of woman would do that in a cup.” she said before continuing to barf, Epic started to pat her on the back. “Yep, the internet is a scary place. A scary scary place.” Epic gagged remembering having to sit through the video of that poor poor cup. “Hey, Applejack, me and Fluttershy got here as soon as we heard the news.” Raven announced proudly,, now in her human form, but still just as much of a mary sue as ever. “What the hell did you tell her about, Epic!?” “The internet.” Epic replied. “He said it was a horrifying place, but I thought I could take it, but then he got to the parts about the partying with lemons. and then to the part about that picture called goatsomething and then.” Applejack went right back to barfing. Epic started laughing, before seeing Rainbow Dash fly by and getting the biggest smirk he had ever gotten. “Hey Rainbow Dash! How are the cowgirl fantasies going!” He yelled out, making Rainbow turn bright red and for the 3rd time in history, a Sonic rainboom was performed. Epic laughed his butt off as Raven, Fluttershy, and Applejack, all looked angrily at him.
