What everyone has been not waiting for.
“Now let’s see…” I said as I began pacing inside the abandoned church, reviewing my checklist. “Essence of the Mississippi, check.” I nudged aside the jar of water with my foot. “Burning incense lit by a wildfire, check. Salt taken from the earth, check. Candle lit for a romantic evening, check. Virgin sacrifice—” I glanced at the sealed Justin Bieber Never Say Never CD in the middle of my self-built shrine “—eh, close enough. Check.”
I took a step back and admired my shrine, decorated with pictures of Zac Efron and Jennifer Aniston, taking in a deep breath before letting it out. “Ah, nothing like starting a Saturday with Pagan rituals.”
Clasping my hands together and kneeling down, I summoned my spiritual energy obtained by martial arts training and watching Ghostbusters and began chanting. “Imus ad magum Ozi videndum, magum Ozi mirum mirissimum. Imus ad magum Ozi—”
“Excuse me, sir, what are you doing here?”
Jolting, I rose from my spot and whipped around. A small group of teenagers in black cloaks and hoods began to file into the abandoned church. Each was armed with a silver knife, and one happened to have a goat on a leash.
“What?” Feigning ignorance, I held my hands together and gave a serene smile. “What do you mean?”
“Seriously.” The leader pointed his knife at me, the silver glinting in the candlelight. “You are trespassing on hallowed ground.”
“Er… I’m trying to ascend humanity by sacrificing a Justin Bieber cd.”
“...” The cultists stared at me.
“...” I stared at the cultists.
“...” We stared at each other.
“Well, my bad,” the cultist leader said as he sheathed his knife, his followers following suit. The group started to turn around to shuffle out of the church. “Didn’t mean to intrude. I mean, er, awkwaaaard….”
“No, wait!” I reached out with my hand, as if somehow dramatically reaching out would somehow physically impede someone through sheer willpower. Sheesh, I need to stop watching anime. As the cult leader turned around, I shrugged. “Maybe… maybe we can perform our rituals… together?”
The cult leader placed his hands onto his chest and sniffed. “Y-you’d really do that?”
I pulled out my own cardboard cutting knife—intended for the cd— and nodded. “Of course, why wouldn’t I be?”
The cult leader wiped tears from his eyes as he began to run forward. I mirrored him. We ran into each other with outstretched arms and hugged as the cult let out a collective, “Aw…” After approximately one minute, we tearfully broke away.
The cult broke into dance and song, and I even got a solo as I cut the dreadful CD into pieces above the diagram drawn in chalk in the middle of the shrine. It was amazing, and the vocals were incredible. You should have been there to see it.
“And now, my children, we have come to the final phase of our ritual!” the cult leader roared as he held me on his shoulders. “Today, we not only praise our god, the Great and Powerful Oziward of Wii, but we ascend a new god!” He jumped up and down, causing me to bounce and cry Wheee!
One cultist raised her hand. “But, uh…” She cocked her head. “What is he exactly a god of…?”
“...”
Ceasing his bouncing and setting me down, the cult leader couldn’t help but ask as he stroked his stubble. “So… yeah. What will you be the god of, exactly?”
It was my cue.
Whipping out a pair of glasses and shoving them onto my eyes, I pushed them up the bridge of my nose to create a glaring glint. “Shipping!”
“...” The cult stared at me. “What.”
Striking a pose on one knee with my fist raised toward the ceiling, I began. “Shipping! Yes! Love, love is a delicate magic, and one of the most powerful forces in the world. Gods of love have always been the most revered, the most powerful, the most feared and beloved. But alas, there has always been two gods of love in literature. The Goddess of Love and Fertility, or as I like to say, the one that’s pretty and takes all the credit. And then there’s the real God of Love, who actually spreads it around!”
Cherry blossoms, conveniently, began to fall from the ceiling as I stared dramatically into the distance. “I want to be that god. Not the pretty jerk that steals all the credit by doing nothing, but the one that spreads romance. I want to make a difference, to create a light in a whole new world! That is the way of the shipping!”
Silence dominated the church. The cultists stared at me, their jaws hanging down. I shrugged and placed my hands in my pockets as the last of the cherry blossoms dropped, having nothing else to say.
Clap. Clap.
Someone has to start the slow clap.
Clap. Clap clap. Clap clap clap clapclapclapclapclap. The cultists began to applaud and scream in euphoria, bringing a smile to my face and a bow from me. Even the goat applauded, stomping as it bleated. The leader took me on his shoulders again and pumped his fist.
“What do we want?”
“A god!”
“When do we want him?”
“Right now!”
Something ripped me out of the collective joys of the crowd. As the Justin Bieber CD burned in the chalk diagram, I noticed the ashes beginning to scatter on their own. Scattering, as if the earth was shaking ever so slightly…
Oh shi—
Everything blurred as the earthquake hit, knocking me off the cult leader. The air roared, and the church rumbled with almighty power of the Earth. Cultists screamed and ran in every direction, trying to find an exit. Rather than panic, I merely crawled underneath one of those church bench thingies and ducked and covered. The ground continued to shake, rubble and glass fell from the ceiling, and the cries of the cultists began to fade as they ran out of the church.
The Earth stopped.
Eventually, my knees stopped trembling as well. I waited about five minutes, in case of aftershocks, before I crawled onto the church aisle where the shrine had been completely demolished. Sighing, sad that all my Zac Efron pictures had gone to waste, I stood up and brushed myself off.
I quickly examined myself, wondering if I had accidentally ascended. “Nope… What am I doing with my life?” I placed a hand on my forehead and gave a dramatic sigh. “I could’ve been playing—”
“THAT IS AN EXCELLENT QUESTION!” a voice, not of a man or woman, roared from the heavens.
“Dude! Inside voice!” I screamed, holding my ears with white hands. I opened my wet eyes and looked up… “Oh god, I pissed off—”
“YES! A REAL GOD!” the giant said above me. It wasn’t an earthquake that had shook the church, it was… a giant man prying off the ceiling. I stared, awestruck, as a giant, living replica of Zac Efron stared down at me with beautiful blue eyes.
“Oh my—”
“ME!”
I stared, my mind trying to wrap itself around the very concept of Zac Efron staring down at me. His perfectly chiseled abs, his wondrous hair, his beautiful eyes, his apparent godhood… it all made sense now. “You’re Zac Efron.”
“YE—Er, what?” Zac Efron stopped for a moment, his face expressing. “You recognize me in this mortal guise? I thought a century had already passed.”
I shook my head. “No, no, I recognize you. I’d recognize anywhere. Your work in That Awkward Moment was spectacular, if the movie itself was a bit of a letdown. The writing just does not complement your acting ability.”
“Really? I agree completely! The jokes were amusing—”
“—But the plot was terrible! I mean, it was like two different stories in one movie!”
“I KNOW!” Wow, I didn’t know how adoring my fans were—” Zac Efron shook his head before turning his eyes inflamed. “ENOUGH! MORTAL, YOU HAVE COMMITTED THE TREACHEROUS ACT OF BLASPHEMY! MY NAME IS EROS, AND I SHALL SMITE THEE!”
Zip!
“...What are you doing?”
I shrugged as reached into my forgotten backpack, pulling out a mini-speaker and IPod. Ignoring the Zefron God, I searched through my library for some good ol’ Michael Jackson and playing Beat It. Then, I kneeled on the ground, took out my steampunk goggles to wear, and prepared for my death by closing my eyes.
“Seriously, what are you doing?”
“I’m trying to die in honor, okay?” I said, my eyes still closed shut as Michael Jackson sang in the background. “A true shipper will die with his goggles, and the music of his people playing. If I must be vanquished by my patron god, and beloved celebrity, then so be it. But I shall honor my people.”
“ARE THOSE…?”
“Yes.” I nodded, a tear sliding down my cheek. “I will die with my shipping goggles, out and proud.”
“You… you are a true shipper. Aren’t you?”
I nodded.
A bright, white light permeated my eyelids, blinding me. By instinct, I opened them the moment the light faded, revealing…
“Holy shit, Zac Efron is standing right in front of me,” I said, standing up as the life-sized, human version of Zac Efron stood before me. “Holy shit, holy shit.” I resisted the urge to bounce up and down like a fangirl.
Zac Efron nodded, crossing his muscular arms. “Yes, yes I am. My true name is Eros, the God of Love. Or as you like to put it, the original God of Shipping. I heard your little rant earlier, and it rang true to my ears. Perhaps… perhaps I can entrust you with a little quest.”
Now this was interesting. I cocked my head. “Quest? You were going to smite me a mere moment ago, and now you’re giving me a quest?”
Eros/Zefron summoned flames from his palm. “I take that as a no…?”
“No, no, continue!” I shook my head and flailed my hands. “I’d love to do a quest, honest!”
“Good. Follow me,” Zac Efron began to walk with me in tow. We walked past benches and benches until we reached the door of the church. Zac Efron waved his hand over the keyhole, causing a light glow to shimmer inside. He opened the door, waved me through, and we traveled onto a strange, white glowing path. It was like Tron, but cooler. A white path in a black abyss of nothingness.
“So…” I started, twiddling my thumbs as we walked in silence. “What kind of quest we talkin’ about? Slaying monsters? Conquering kingdoms? Herculean labor?”
Zac Efron chuckled. “No, it’s simple, really.” He waved a hand, conjuring ethereal light to swirl around like neon. He gestured, creating a picture of a land I’ve never seen. “There is a world out there, a brand new world created from dust a mere eon ago. There are but a few old gods born, and they are soon to be outdated. They recognize this, recognizing they can no longer fulfill all the duties by themselves. They need new gods in this nigh-godless land, to help guide them.”
My jaw dropped. “Y-you don’t mean…?”
“Oh hell no!” Zac Efron snapped his finger. “Don’t even get any ideas! You’re in hot water, blasphemer! You’re going to start out like everyone else, as a demigod. I shall be your patron, and you will do the duties I assign thee. Your guide in this land, due to the fact I cannot physically leave this domain, will be Aphrodite’s herald. You will aid her, and do her bidding. Got that?” He slowed to a stop as a neon door appeared before us.
I saluted. “Yes sir!”
“Good.” Zac Efron nodded. “Now, how do you feel about ponies?”
“Well, my cousin is an Equestrian—”
I didn’t get a chance to finish, considering Zac Efron kicked my ass and sent me flying through the open door.
Oh my god, Zac Efron touched my butt!
Blah blah blah, tons of lights and colors. My body stretched, compressed, etc etc youprobablyreadthisallbefore, I landed onto a marble floor in a body what wasn’t my own.
I lifted a hoof to my eyes. “Dude, I have hooves.” I placed it down and examined my surroundings. “It was marble… marble… and wow, that is a lot of marble. It was your average chamber, with columns and a ceiling and a floor all made of weird sparkling marble. And like any other structure that people—er, ponies are supposed to live in, it was completely devoid of any furnishings or life in the vicinity.”
“Well, aren’t you the snarky one?” a female voice asked as steps resounded on the marble. “And this is the Crystal Empire, not marble.”
“Crap, did I say that out loud?” I said, examining my red fur. Well, it was somewhat light. Like, not quite red, but not quite pink. “Sorry, I have a tendency to narrate things. Heaven knows why.”
“Well, hello. I’m Princess Cadence, it’s very nice to meet you,” the tall pink mare greeted, holding out a hoof. I shook it and smiled, noticing the height difference as I stood up. And yes, before you ask, I somehow shook hooves with a horse. “I see you’re getting the hang of your new body. It’s fitting, no?”
I shrugged. “I see the demigod package comes with basic instincts and common sense, I think.”
“Indeed.” Cadence nodded, turning and gesturing me to follow her out of the chamber. As we walked, I noticed a few glowing runes etched here and there on the ground. So it was a summoning chamber. Cadence came to a stop before the oak door that I just suddenly now noticed.
“Remember, little pony,” Cadence said dramatically, as if she was giving an expositional monologue that might somehow come important later as it sets up the theme for the events to come. “Your body and mind is equipped with the natural instincts of equine folk, but you must still adapt your behavior to blend in to succeed in your mission. There is a home in Ponyville waiting for you, and a list of potential assignments. Your mission will be difficult, but it is necessary for the populace to fall in love. Your methods are up to you to decide, but make sure no casualties are made. We may be in godless lands, but do not think for one moment a bolt of lightning won’t smite you the moment you desert your duties.”
“Okay.”
“...” Cadence stared back at me.
“...” I stared at Cadence.
“...” We stared at each other.
“So…” Cadence said, turning around to properly face me. “How are you so… fine with all of this? You seem rather relaxed for someone who barely escaped divine punishment through service by exile. It’s amazing how you keep your composure.”
I shrugged. “I honestly don’t care.”
“About being a pony?”
“Could be worse, I could’ve been an ass.”
“You’d be surprised. What about living in a foreign land?”
“Only if I don’t have to eat tacos.”
“Aren’t you going to miss your family?”’
“I’ll send them a postcard.”
“You aren’t going to miss Earth at all?”
“Meh.”
Cadence sighed and glared down at me. “Seriously? Aren’t you at all perplexed at your predicament? You were a human fifteen minutes ago, then thrust into an alien world with a new body by a god in the image of a celebrity and given the task to make alien ponies fall in love with each other! Doesn’t that strike you as strange in the slightest?”
“I honestly don’t care.” I shrugged. “Now can we get a move on? I’m getting the munchies. And by munchies, I mean I want to take a nap. Which doesn’t really make sense—”
Slam! Cadence bucked a leg backward, throwing open the oak door with inhuman strength. Lifting a foreleg, she pointed. “Out. There is a carriage waiting for you.”
I frowned, holding up my foreleg as if to take hers. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”
“Out.” Her death glare compelled me to obey, leading me to make fast ground out of there.
I stepped into the outside world, and the sight… blinded me, really. I mean, a city made out of crystal in the middle of the day made for a sight. A blinding one. With little regard for the scenery, I blindly hopped into the carriage just before the door, taking about three attempts with my poor, blinded eyesight, and sighed as the stallions took off.
I chuckled as I took out the vial of bubbling pink liquid I had tucked hidden… somewhere—hammerspace?
“Sorry Cadence, didn’t mean to pickpocket you!” I laughed, proud that my few moments in… “Oh crap, I have no idea where I am.”
“Equestria, huh?” I said, sipping a glass of water as I flipped through my handbook, Everything You Need To Know About Demigods: From Damsels to Damnation while lounging on the couch. I had a nice apartment, with a shag carpet and cerulean wallpaper with a floral pattern in some generic part of the pony village. From the corner of my eye, I could see my loadout on the coffee table: a pair of goggles, a quiver full of glowing, pink arrows and some kind of sniper crossbow with a zoom-in scope. There were more, but I didn’t care enough to list them all.
“Heh, I’m like Cobra,” I snickered, until a frown spread on my face like mayonnaise—get that dirty thought out of your head! “Except instead of being the snake, I get others to… er, take each others’ snakes? Hm…” I scratched my chin, wondering if that counted as an innuendo or not.
Deciding it really didn’t matter and I’d forget about it in ten seconds anyway, I carelessly threw the handbook to the side and picked up my briefcase. Opening it, taking out the folders, and reviewing the information was crucial for my job.
Apparently my job was simple: once a week, I’d be given a list of potential match-ups and a quota to fill. As long as I paired up my marks with someone—er, somepony, I was good to go. Also, magic powers if I do a good job. Not to mention that snazzy promotion in the future.
I got off the couch and reviewed my loadout once more. “Let’s see… I could start the day with stealth using this hearth shank, range with the sniper crossbow, or…”
I snatched the pink potion, strapped it to an arrow with duct tape, and aimed the crossbow out my open window. “MASS PANIC!”
Letting the arrow fly was soon followed by an explosion, a shockwave, and the satisfying screams of ponies.
The telephone in the middle of my apartment began to ring. Sighing, I trotted over and picked it up. “Hello? Meglomaniac speaking.”
“YOU IDIOT!” Alas, if only she spoke Japanese...
“Excuuuuuse me, Princess. Wait, what are we talking about anyway?”
“You enveloped half of Ponyville in a pink mist! What did you do, toss grenades everywhere?”
“No, I pickpocketed you and stole your magic potion thingy.”
“IDIOT! What were you thinking?”
“I don’t care. Besides, at least I did my job, right?”
“By destroying the town! I can hear those screams of panic!”
“Does that sound like panic?” I held my phone out to the window, where the crowd was screaming in… er, in a happy manner that has something to do with romance. Ask your parents, kids.
“Oh… OH! I, er…”
“Did I do my job, or did I do my job?” I was a little smug, yes, but I kind of earned it.
“Argh! You were supposed to hit the marks, not innocents!”
“Are there any rules that say I can’t ship collateral?” Okay, I was kind of being a jerk at this point, twiddling the phone wire in my hoof.
“Ugh… just keep it in line next time? I’ll send you your next targets… now.”
Poof!
A scroll landed on my lap as I lied on the couch. I hung up the phone and unrolled the scroll, only to find a picture of… three butterflies and three diamonds. “Well, that’s specific. At least it’s only two.”
Poof!
“Okay, not so bad…”
Poof!
Poof!
Poof!
Poof!
Poof!
Poof!
Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof!
“Oh come on!”
“Wind Speed 5km northwest. Zooming in. Target within range plus adjustments, to the minute mark. Aim, and—”
“Whatcha doing?” a ringing voice cut through my thoughts, nearly toppling me over the library branches and onto the hard ground below. I sighed and set down my crossbow.
“I honestly have no idea. I was just going to pull the thingy and shoot stuff.”
“Cool! Can I help?”
I sighed again—it’s one of my favorite things to do, honestly—and looked at Pinkie Pie. She was eccentric at first, but she had the telltale signs of a demigod. Apparently Discord was her patron, a little fact I found out after accidentally shooting Fluttershy… it involves half the Canterlot castle being destroyed and a party cannon. At least Cadence won that bet, I guess.
“Er, I guess, but she’s probably out of range right now. Unless you can get me across town in minutes, then I’m not—”
“Okay!” Pinkie Pie whipped out a cannon out of… wherever and set it on the large branch I sat on. “Just get in the cannon! That’ll be fifty gp!”
I frowned and reared back, nearly dropping my sniper crossbow. “The hell is that?”
“It’s a cannon!”
“Really.”
“Yeah!” Pinkie Pie grinned and patted the pink cannon. “I call it the Self-Insert Canon!”
“Don’t you mean ‘Cannon?’”
“No, Canon!”
“No, Pinkie, two n’s. Didn’t you go to grade school?”
Rather than answer, Pinkie Pie pouted and pointed at the party cannon. I shrugged, for about the fiftieth time in my stay at Ponyville, and climbed into the cannon. For some reason, my inventory lost about fifty bits… Pinkie lit the fuse, covered her ears, and sent me flying.
About ten seconds later, I landed on to the rooftop of Carousel Boutique, home of the horse with the diamond ass… which is kind of creepy how I know that, honestly. I mean, usually when a sniper—in the name of love!—gets a picture of his mark, he gets a picture of their face. Not picture of their ass… I mean, I get that tattoo thingy is the mark of their destiny and all, but really? I mean, not that I need an incentive to look at asses, but this is borderline creepy. Ass identification specialization, really?
Oh yeah, where was I? I brushed myself off and checked my quiver, ensuring I had enough arrows—technically, I should be using bolts, but I kind of gave up on logic after Twilight called in an airstrike against a rogue table—and the bow to fire.
The bell jingled underneath me.
“Rarity, eh?” I mumbled, taking my position and waiting for my target to leave the building and enter the clearing. I moved my eye to the scope. “I wonder what mare I’m going to pair you with…”
Oh yeah, that reminds me. Every good story needs a flashback!
~Whee! Transition!~
It was a dark and stormy night, except for the fact it was lunchtime and the sun was out and shining, so in reality it wasn’t a dark and stormy night but I wish it was because then it would have fit the mood perfectly. I was back at the Crystal Empire, reporting back to my Aphrodite… leader girly thing, Princess Cadence.
I had been reviewing the list of the citizens of Ponyville, their status and gender, when something occurred to me. I set down the list and stared at my superior.
“Eighty percent of the town is a chick.”
Cadence smirked. “So? Is that going to be a problem?”
I cocked my head. “Wait. Are you saying it’ll be okay if I…?”
Cadence nodded.
Lowering my head into a deadly smirk, I said one word. “Good.”
Despite being completely illogical, lightning struck just outside the window. And it was cool.
~Back to the future!~
I waited for my target, my hoof nearly squeezing on the trigger despite hooves not being built for such contraptions. My target, in a dear feminine voice, said her goodbyes to her sister before leaving the safe angle of her roof just to enter my sight.
I lowered the crossbow.
This horse… this horse was beautiful. Her perfectly styled mane of blues and lavenders, it was a kaleidoscope of shades that completely escaped my comprehension—and totally not because of my lack of knowledge concerning colors—and only accentuated her perfect curls and carefully groomed volume and grace. Her body… no, her entire figure, was perfect. Slim legs, a well trimmed barrel, and the grace of a model. Her bio was wrong, she wasn’t a fashionista… she was fashion incarnate. Her clothes, a casual dress patterned in her cutie mark, only served to compliment her figure. Her eyes, which I could see through my scope when she turned to greet a passerby, shined like the great blue ocean. The eyes are the window to the soul, and I could see the purity of this divine being before me. I couldn’t feel any demigod wavelengths, but something about this girl radiated something absolutely divine.
Forget Cadence, Rarity was a true goddess.
“Well, sorry gal,” I muttered as I returned the scope to my previous target, fresh from my firing. Her (figurative) heart was currently in standby, waiting for my second arrow to “connect the ribbons,” whatever that means. I think her name was Twilight or something, the resident Princess of Friendship or whatever. “Yeah, looks like you’re getting the dick.”
Zip!
Thankfully, the small dragon walked by, holding a trash can lid that deflected my arrow before it could hit an off-course orange pegasus flying around. It was a slip of the hoof, but I’m glad I didn’t hit that guy. Something about hitting him struck me the wrong way. Anyway, the arrow hit another orange horse, wearing a Stetson hat, and the two immediately began making out. Sighing in relief, I rolled over on the roof and leaped off…
...right onto the ground. Yeah, parkour only works when there’s a nearby building. Go figure.
“You alright, sir?” a voice coaxed me out of unconsciousness. I took an outstretched hoof and stood up, shaking myself off. In front of me was a nerdy stallion in a delivery boy uniform. Instantly, a thought hit me. Not literally, though, but thoughts really can hit you! Like, there was this one time I was mugged by my imagination and everything! Or maybe I just had a bad cheeseburger…
“Hey!” I said, trying to hide a little smirk. “What would you give me to borrow your uniform?”
“Heh!” the delivery boy snorted. “It’d take a marefriend for something like that!”
I cringed. “Ew, dude! I’m taken! Sorta. I don’t want your marefriend!”
“What.”
“Ugh! Whatever! Here!” I pointed my crossbow at the nearest mare and shot her with an arrow. Immediately, she zipped over and began pecking the delivery boy in—I’ll spare you the details, but it involved his clothes coming off anyway. Since he wasn’t going to need them for a good ten minutes, I donned them and stole his bike and pizza because I’m kind of a dick like that.
I waited in the bushes, practicing my Garen cosplay, until Rarity returned to the boutique and went inside. Now, it was time for my move.
Ding dong!
The door opened, revealing the goddess herself. “Welcome to Carousel Boutique. I am Rarity, a—Who are you, sir?”
I flashed my pearly whites and held out the box. “Pizza delivery, ma’am.”
“Sorry, carbs would ruin my figure.”
Slam!
She slammed the door closed. Rarity, the goddess from a dream, slammed the door on me. It was heartbreaking. I didn’t know what I could do except cr—
Ding dong!
“Welcome to Carousel Boutique. I am Rar—You again?”
I gave a sultry wink and smiled. “Pizza, special delivery.”
“...” Rarity stared at me.
“...” I stared at Rarity.
“...” We stared at each other.
“Well, why didn’t you say so?” Rarity giggled like a schoolgirl and ushered me in. Using her magic to nudge me in the right direction, she led me to the couch as she swayed her hips. Setting down the pizza box on the table, we took our places on the opposite ends of the couch. Rarity leaned forward, resting her cheeks on her hooves, and stared at me. “So, Mister Pizza Boy, what brings you to my humble abode?”
She scooted closer, leaning so she would be looking upward with her magnificent, beautiful eyes. My first instinct was to tell her about the meat I had in store, and other innuendos, but her eyes—no, her soul compelled me to speak the truth.
“Because…” I reached out with a hoof and cupped her chin. She flinched at the sudden contact, but made no move to pull away. “It is my job, my life, my destiny to see those destined to fall for one another, and to ensure their destinies intertwine. I have seen kingdoms fall, forbidden waters, and heartbreak in my time as Eros’s herald, but I have never… I have never seen a mare—neigh, not a single star in the cosmos as beautiful or radiant as you.
“Oh my…” Rarity sniffed as tears dampened her eyes, making them sparkle like pools of beauty. My heart beating in my chest like a jackhammer, we both leaned forward and closed our eyes…
Until I got a heart attack, sorta.
I leaned back as my chest began to glow pink. Rarity and I watched in awe as something floated out of my rippling chest… a necklace, fancy that. A golden necklace with a green heart.
Flint earned the Element of Love!
Level up! +3 Sensitivity, +2 Balls
“That’s amazing!” Rarity clapped her hooves together, her eyes sparkling like stories more than ever as I reached into the air toward the glowing necklace. “A seventh element! That’s ama—”
“I don’t think so!” A big, burly hand snatched the necklace. Before I could even react, the bearded human did a backflip from behind the couch and landed in front of us in a Spiderman pose. I tried to say something, anything, but the man backflipped into a mysterious portal that appeared out of nowhere behind him.
“...What was that?” Rarity asked, scrunching her muzzle. “Did some uncouth ruffian…”
“Wow,” I said, crossing my forelegs. “Chuck Norris just stole my shit.”
A year passed, and I soon got better at my job. One of the perks of being a demigod is these cool superpowers you get eventually, as long as you do a good job. As of now, I conjure butterflies and fart rainbows. It’s as awesome as it sounds.
Many things happened throughout the year. Turns out that Chuck Norris, the guy who stole my shit, doubles as Discord. It was a surprise to everyone, but made total sense anyway and nobody bothered to ask questions, but it turned out okay in the end when he and Fluttershy got married.
I never got around to wooing Rarity, thanks to the incident. Turns out I forgot to shoot the real pizza delivery boy, and he was rather miffed. As revenge for practically setting him up for life, he decided to sweep Rarity off her hooves right then and there by revealing his true identity as the real pizza boy.
Cadence still hates my guts, but I do a great job and she damn well knows it. Speaking of which…
“Hey! Stop narrating!” Cadence snapped me out of my stupor, bringing me back to the present in our base of operations in Ponyville. I decided that since I had to have an armory and everything, I might as well do it in style. Since “The Batcave” was already taken and quite inappropriate given the context, I decided on the “Lovecave” because that’s even more sexual and inappropriate. “Seriously!”
“Ugh, fine!” I sighed and looked at the list of couples on the parchment Cadence lay before me. “What is it?”
“Well, you’re doing a decent—”
“Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Cadence rolled her eyes. “You’re doing a spectacular and magnificent job that deserves promotion immediately, but you’re so humble to turn it down until you’ve done the amount of time it’d take a normal pony. Also, you’re incredibly sexy. As I says saying, perhaps… you’ve done a bit too much with the mares? Have you been shipping any stallions whatsoever?”
“Well duh!” I rolled my eyes and stared down at the parchment. “Er…” I scanned down, rolling out the parchment a few inches at a time to scan the names. I scrolled down and down, until I got about thirteen feet down and covered the table in parchment. I pointed at a single pair. “Aha! Here we are! Soarin and the guy with a big computer ass!”
“You mean Macintosh?” Cadence raised an eyebrow. “Let me rephrase that. Have you paired up any heterosexual couples?”
I gagged and retched before grimacing at Cadence. “What are you, disgusting? Wait, I think I did actually.” I scrolled up until I found the right couple. “Ah, here we go. Thunderlane and Lightning Dust. Or as I like to put it, the athletic chick with the perfect boyfriend.”
“Why is he perfect for her?” Cadence was honestly curious and blinked at me. I smirked with an impish glint in my eyes.
“Because, ya know, Thunder comes after Ligh—”
“Aaaaand that’s enough,” Cadence interrupted, snorting in contempt. “You know full well what I meant. Also, here.” Cadence reached into her saddlebag and pulled out a green potion before tossing it at me with magic. “That’s a Glamour Fail™, guaranteed to dispel any enchantments. Should be useful whenever you take a visit to Canterlot.”
“Oh, that’s cool.” I tried to shove the vial into my bag, but Cadence’s magic tugged it out of my grip.
“Here, I’ll show you…”
My forehead began to sweat profusely as my heart rate picked up. “Yeah… that’s really not a good idea.” I tried to reach for the vial, to snatch it from her, but Cadence uncorked the gaseous potion.
“...” Cadence stared at me.
“...” I stared at Cadence.
“...” We stared at each other.
“...Wow,” Cadence muttered as she continued to stare at me, hardly blinking. “I just realized this after all this time, meaning that must’ve been some spell you put up. Seriously, it’s creepy. What is your name?”
Grinning and shrugging, I said, “Flint. Name’s Flint. Howdy do!”
The ground trembled beneath us. Not enough for an earthquake, but enough for a sense of foreboding to permeate the atmosphere. Cadence and I stood up; her horn charged with a spell, and I picked up my crossbow.
Knock knock! Somepony, or something, pounded my door. I nodded at Cadence, signaled with my hoof, and rolled right to the door instead of walking to it like a normal pony but it was cool and I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to do it in context. Cadence gave me a reassuring nod, allowing me to find the nerve to open the door…
“Oh my Celestia, it is you,” the grey mare breathed as she stared at me. I blinked and cocked my head, utterly confused. The pony before me was completely monotone, at least forty-nine shades of grey, and kinda cute. “Is it?”
“I don’t know, am I?” I said, winking. The mare gasped.
“Flint, is that you?” the mare asked, her voice rising an octave. “It’s me, Maud.”
“Um… do we know each other or something?” My eyes became shifty as I scanned the scenery behind her for some muggers or opposing demigods. Let me tell you something, one of Zeus’s heralds got mad at me for trying to set him up with a personal harem. You can’t blame me for not knowing he was married!
Maud sniffed. “It really is you! I can hear your narrating again! I can’t believe it!”
What.
“Exactly!” Maud leaned forward and hugged me. “Demeter, my patron, said Apollo reincarnated you to mortal form when he learned of your heroic deeds!”
“Er, what heroic deeds?” I asked as I pulled away. “I don’t really remember…”
Maud wiped a tear from her eyes. “Flint, this isn’t the first time you’ve done the work of Eros and Aphrodite. You have spun tales the Muses would be proud of, from comedy to tragedy, and spread the seeds of romance across the multiverse. Flint, you are a hero. You are worth so much more than you believe! I love—”
“...” Maud stared at Cadence.
“...” Cadence stared at Maud.
“...” They stared at each other.
“So… does he do that a lot?” Maud asked, defaulting to her monotone voice.
Cadence shrugged. “Yeah, pretty much. As soon as the mood gets serious or someone starts a dramatic monologue, he disappears to visit the lesbian bar.”
“Why the lesbian bar?”
“Well, considering he’s the reason for eighty percent of the patrons, he and the bartender have an understanding.”
“Oh.”
“I’m bored. Wanna make out?”
“Sure.”
And they did.
And I watched the entire thing.
It was awesome.
~Fin~
Author's Note
Yes, it's ridiculous and pretentious. It's supposed to be like that, silly! Unfortunately, an awesome fight against ninjas with a kendo sword was cut for time, so oh well!
