NOTE: ALL MEASUREMENTS ARE NOT EXAGGERATED
Metallica blasted through the alarm clock at 5:00 am sharp, and Iron Will was sharper still, immediately sitting bolt upright on his steel-hard metal block he called his bed, in the process flicking off his blanket comprised entirely of 10-kilo iron dumbbells, causing them to crash to the soil of the open grassland he always slept in everyday. He gave an almighty battle cry (since yawns are for pussies) that could be heard through all 600 miles of open grassland and picked up the alarm clock in his fist, but crushing it only between his thumb and forefinger. He used his forefinger to flick the ruined alarm clock over a distance of 200 yards and jumped a quarter of a mile into the air, while doing 42 perfect somersaults and 360 degree spins that would have made the Faze Clan proud as he fell down to the earth. When he did so, he produced an ear-splitting red, fiery explosion that would have made mediocre Bollywood filmmakers cry at such perfection though there was nothing flammable to be seen in miles. He smirked and checked his titanium wristwatch: The entire process took only 0.522 seconds, setting a new record at 0.01337 seconds less than his previous timing. He gave a smile.
"No matter how many rounds, every second counts!" said Iron Will, flexing his body.
"Goats! Bring me my morning necessities!" cried Iron Will with utmost confidence while thunderously clapping his hands, to which his goat assistants, always hiding behind baobab trees in the savannah where Iron Will lived, galloped with haste, with Iron Will's morning tea, dental care products and papers/mail bouncing on their backs. Why did they hide behind trees while Iron Will slept, you ask? Well, when Iron Will sleeps, he never yawns, but he tosses and turns quite some, and this tossing and turning has the force to level the surrounding grassland by a full meter, even with Iron Will's iron blanket draped cosily around him. Thus his goat assistants hid behind trees for the safety of their own lives. \
Timing himself, Iron Will brushed his teeth with a 10 metre by 10 metre wire fence laced with Old Spice shaving cream, then shampooed himself with Old Spice shaving cream, then body washed himself with Old Spice shaving cream, then shaved his shaving cream with Old Spice Shaving Cream, and finally thought about actually shaving his fur with shaving cream but thought against it, flexing his muscles and admiring his almighty corners of fur on his face in a mirror that promptly broke from his aura of confidence. Anyway, Old Spice shaving cream has so many alternative, supernatural uses that actually using it as shaving cream would be a waste.
"Only Old Spice, Shall Suffice!" cried Iron Will, placing a can of Old Spice shaving cream between his rock hard abs and tried to break it. Unfortunately, it was only thing in the known universe to be able to resist Iron Will's packs. He shrugged and threw the can away, resuming his morning routine.
Smiling a flawless smile at the wristwatch, which read 0.044 seconds, Iron Will stopped it and proceeded on to his breakfast and mail, turning his focus to a large platter of cakes. Unfortunately for his goat assistants, they only got the fat and sugar rich cakes (Fat and sugar: the equivalent of Lucifer in Iron Will's dictionary) as he consumed the fine china platter whole. Licking his chops and using a toothpick (which was actually a wrench) to pry any loose pieces of china out of his teeth, he gave a confident pose, in the process bending his wrench. Throwing that away offhandedly, he picked up the mail, sifting through it. Well, there was only one article: A magazine, whose title read: Foalfree Press, Your Daily Dose of Kawaii. On the cover was a picture of a furry orange-coated cat with gleaming black eyes that accounted for 75% of its face and a fedorable fedora on its head and a pipe in its mouth.
At this point, you're probably going to want to ask me a few questions: such as, why does Iron Will have so little mail? He's a confidence trainer so he should have fan mail. And what's up with the savannah? Doesn't he have the cash and strength to build a house on his own? And how does he receive any mail without a mailbox? And why the heck is he subscribed to FoalFree Press when he could be into I don't know, frigging fitness mags? The answer to all these questions is: He doesn't have any time for this! He's like the abs-obsessed version of Mister Krabs; His obsession for body-building is so keen that he has transcended the need for frivolous things like shelter. Fact is, his mind can only process two things: Bodybuilding and Confidence Seminars; such is his mindscape, which is only big enough to accomdate room for only one passion. Meaning to say, by this logic, if he somehow gave up bodybuilding for origami, he'd do nothing but waste paper all day. However, I still have no idea why he's subscribed to the Foalfree Press... Or is he?
"What's this, my trusty goat assistant?" asked Iron Will, to which the goat merely stared straight ahead. The bodybuilder frowned vexedly and found a note attached to it, reading:
Dear Iron Willy,
I reawwy love this mag! It was 3kawaii5me OMG <3 As your biggest fan fan I think think you should wead it <3
xoxoxox
Hearts and Kisses,
Lots of wove ~ <3<3<3
Much Love Such Sincere Wow
Ur Biggest Fan in Equestria <3
There were hearts adorning every corner of the note and Iron Will stuck his tongue out at the disgusting number of hearts pasted on the note . He immediately crumpled up the note and threw it to the side but he couldn't possibly put down the magazine; after all, he was curious whether he could still read after doing non-stop bodybuilding for a good 30 years (with a confidence talk or two thrown in every week, of course). He flipped it open.
-3 weeks later-
Shady Daze wiped his brow as he continuously pressed his hoof against the printing machine's pedal, thoroughly exhausted after an hour of forcing his hoof through the same tedious motion again and again. At the age of 8, he was a handsome young colt with a light grey-blue coat and dark blue mane with a white cap and an uncomfortable all-white uniform of the Foalfree Press, recently implemented by his boss, Diamond Tiara, who was forgiven by Ms Cheerilee. What a mistake. He rued his predicament since the student body managing the Foalfree Press was out having ice cream while he was stuck in the same dank environment, the afternoon sun filtering in though the windows searing his body, threatening to cook him in his suit. He was looking at the door intently, waiting for the slightest hint of a creak so that his savior could barge in and liberate him from the oppressive clutches of his job. Just then, the door knob turned, making Shady's face brighten up.
But it was an unexpected visitor; the pony who entered wasn't a pony, but rather a minotaur. An overly muscular minotaur dressed in a tu-tu who pranced into the room gracefully, but upon seeing Shady, he stopped in his tracks and his eyes widened. Wait, that's an understatement, his eyes suddenly occupied up to 75% of his face and he placed his hands on his cheeks, smiling a Chesire smile.
"*squeal* Ohaiyo!!" screamed Iron Will as he pranced over and picked up Shady, then pressing the colt to his face. "Kawaii- desu- nei!!!!!!"
"W-What? Get me down, sir. My name's Shady," he said.
"Shady-chan! You're so Kawaii!!!" cried Iron Will as he swung Shady around the room in euphoria. He finally placed (a dazed and dizzied) Shady down onto a chair and sat on the floor across from him, sitting on his hind legs and holding his arms out like a dog, while sticking his tongue out and panting. Shady raised an eyebrow.
"Shady-chan! Can I haz new issue? I r biggest fan fan!" said Iron Will. Shady gave himself a face-hoof. Ever since Diamond Tiara put the rule: 'More cuteness in our magazine copies', the degradation of the intelligence of the subscribers to the FoalFree Press was palpable in the fanmail and interviewing sessions; recently, he heard that a famous confidence speaker was turned into an otaku-level fangirl of the Foalfree Press just by reading but one issue. He was against this rule, but what could he do? It reeled in readers, according to Diamond Tiara, and he'd be out of the job (which wasn't as lucrative as promised but at least it was better than nothing) if the cuteness ceased. Right now, he had to deal with this wreck.
"No," started Shady, but before he could continue, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon appeared at the door, feigning shock on their faces as they saw a whimpering Iron Will looking like a dog begging for a bone at the hooves of Shady.
"Shady! How could you do that to our biggest fan!" yelled Diamond Tiara indignantly as she galloped over to Iron Will's side, placing a hoof on his shoulder. Shady rolled his eyes as Silver Spoon echoed with a 'yeah, how could you?'
"What do you need, Iron Will Will? DT-oniichan is heeeeeeerre," said Diamond Tiara, making kissy noises and tickling Iron Will's round belly, which had the faint outline of hard-earned abs. Shady crossed his hooves and raised an eyebrow; so that was the bodybuilder-turn-otaku.
"DT-sama..." sobbed Iron Will, "Oniichan took an hour late to send send me a copy of a dose of KaWAAAAIII!"
"Aw... Don't cry cry, Oniichan is here to help!" said Diamond Tiara as she blew raspberries at Iron Will's face affectionately while squeezing his cheeks with her hooves, eliciting a yelp of happiness and bliss from a contended Iron Will. Shady was cringing like nopony had ever done before and even the loyal Silver Spoon was showing signs of disgust on her face. Diamond Tiara reached over to the printing machine to pull out the first copy from a pile of freshly printed magazines and presented it to Iron Will, whose face brightened up (meaning eyes became 10 times bigger) and his hooves flailed in excitement as he grabbed the issue in his teeth with a 'nom' sound while he pulled off a *fluttersquee* with a grin, settling down on the floor and opening the magazine in haste. Diamond Tiara, meanwhile, stared daggers down at Shady, the latter of whom appeared unfazed.
"We're going to have a talk on customer communications etiquette my friend," said Diamond Tiara menacingly as Iron Will emitted a fangirl squeal.
"Yeah, you know what? I quit! The Foalfree Press used to be about sensible topics. Now it's down in the dumps!" cried Shady, to which Diamond Tiara's frown grew much more pronounced. "See that? Fine specimen, right over there."
Iron Will could be described as a qualified Squee champion, who could give Fluttershy a run for her money. He was frothing at the mouth and mouthing the words 'moar' and 'oh. emm. GEE!!" and "ermahgerd hamster face!" and his hands were pressing onto his cheeks, while his mouth was agape in awe at the magazine's content.
"If that doesn't convince you that people who read magazines for something as absurd as pictures and articles about total cuteness without any substance or news to back it up are mentally challenged, I don't know what will," said Shady, to which Diamond Tiara harrumphed but Silver Spoon was having her doubts. Just then, Silver Spoon remembered a grave piece of news.
"No... on the last page... there is an irresistibly kawaii photo of Fluttershy which can't be seen by Iron Will! His systems will overload!" cried Silver Spoon aloud, to which Iron Will squeed loudly and started furiously turning the pages. Shady and Silver Spoon reacted immediately, jumping for Iron Will and the magazine to ensure he couldn't take a look.
"HNNGNGGNGGNNGGGGGG!!!!" cried Iron WIll as the diabetus was strong in him, so after having a millisecond glance at an adorable photo of Fluttershy (will not be linked anywhere for fear of causing any readers to meet Iron Will's fate) he collapsed into a furry heap onto the ground, never to flex his packs ever again. Shady and Silver Spoon had their mouths agape, while Diamond Tiara, then and there, started sobbing. Silver Spoon leaned on Shady's shoulder and he draped a hoof over her, pulling her close.
"Rest in... Rest in Rip, my main benefactor," cried Diamond Tiara, and was promptly met by two angry hooves in her face from Silver Spoon and Shady Daze.
-Epilogue-
Iron Will's funeral was attended by everypony in PonyVille, and many tears were shed as every painful and cringeworthy detail was described in a most elaborate manner, documenting his 3 week demise from world-class bodybuilder to school-class otaku. He was buried in full military honors though he'd never been in the military. No charges were pressed against Diamond Tiara, who was the head honcho behind the 'cuteness' movement in the Foalfree Press, but nonetheless the Foalfree Press kicked Diamond Tiara out. As for Silver Spoon and Shady Daze, though they started having feelings for each other after a saga that wasn't the best topic to discuss at the dinner table, they agreed that Iron Will was mentally challenged and it was better that his suffering ended at his own hands (or liver) so one thing led to another, and soon Silver Spoon and Shady were special someponies. And don't worry, it happened over a timespan longer than three weeks.
THE END
Author's Note
Thank goodness the story ended on a happy note! Am I right or am I right? Well, When I said that school was going to lengthen the time between updates, I was actually surprised that my suspicions eventually wound up unfounded as the coming days provided much time for fics.
