Scootaloathe

by FanOfMostEverything

Rating: teen
Tags: Zipporwhill, Diamond Tiara, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy, Scootaloo
Length: 3720

Scootaloo plots the downfall of her antithesis and nemesis.

Their eyes met across a crowded park. Okay, they didn't, but still. She was everything Scootaloo wasn't: She flew, constantly. Her cutie mark stood proud on her flanks. She dictated the actions of the Bearers of the Elements.

She had to be stopped.

Foes will act as one. Plots will be hatched. Colts will be embarrassed. All to put an end to the foulest, most sinister force Ponyville has ever seen:

Zipporwhill.

Rated teen for unintentionally suggestive dialogue and allusions to violence, just to be on the safe side.

Published 2014-02-19 21:50:09 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-19 21:50:09 UTC

Zipp It

Historians of the Crusade would later note that it all began during Fluttershy's fundraiser. The Ponytones performed their signature number to much enthusiasm and applause. Scootaloo had been heading back home—petless, since Fluttershy didn't have any more tortoises on hoof—when she heard her.

"My new puppy and I thought it was super-duper crazy good!"

Scootaloo turned. She didn't know why. It was just one voice. But it carried. It pierced through the murmuring crowd and into her brain like the needle of Fate as it wove her destiny. Not the fun, cutie-mark-earning kind of destiny. The kind of destiny that made dire predictions regarding insane alicorns and summer solstices.

So Scootaloo turned. And she beheld her. Airborne. Three pawprints on her flank. Flittering about like the hummingbird air show Fluttershy had staged earlier. A tiara, an honest to Celestia tiara, on her head.

Even after she finished wrapping the Ponytones around her hoof, Scootaloo just sat, staring at where she had been.

After a few minutes, Rainbow Dash noticed and swooped down next to her. "Hey, squirt. You okay?"

"I will destroy her."

Dash blinked. "Uh, come again?"

Scootaloo realized she knew the other filly's name. Somepony had mentioned it. She didn't know who or when, nor did she care. "Zipporwhill. I will destroy her."

Tempted as she was to move away from the inexplicably vengeful foal, Dash knew that wasn't proper surrogate big sister behavior. "Scoots. Not cool."

"She has her cutie mark. She can fly. I never saw her land."

"Aw, come on, you're not starting on that again, are you?" Dash ruffled her fan's mane. "Nopony said you had to fly to be a great pegasus."

"She has everything I could ever want."

"Pfft. Please. Does she have the Dash?" The Dash puffed out the Dash's chest. "I don't think so."

"Then I've got to destroy her before she does. You saw how quickly she turned Rarity and Fluttershy. It's only a matter of time."

Dash scowled. "Scootaloo. Seriously. Not cool. You just met this filly. There's no reason to go treating her like she's your nemesis."

Scootaloo blinked and finally broke her gaze from the stage, from the site profaned by her presence. "Nemesis?"

"Yeah, you know, like Daring Do and Ahuizotl. And you're kinda leaning more towards the three-handed monkey-dog-thing side of that."

"I see." The filly nodded to herself. "Yes. Thanks, Dash."

"You're welcome, I guess?" Dash shrugged. Everything seemed to be well in hoof, and her bed was calling to her. She spread her wings. "See you in the morning, Scoots."

"Good night, Rainbow Dash." Scootaloo watched her idol streak off into the distance before bringing her attention back to the filly who was now hovering right in front of her. "Ah!" She flinched back.

"Oh! Sorry!" Zipporwhill zipped over Scootaloo, continually darting from one angle to another, much to her puppy's distress. "Are you okay?"

"Here." A pair of pegasus stallions came to the orange filly's attention. "Allow me." The larger one, the one with an accent from some Sponish-speaking country, nosed her back onto her hooves. He smiled at her. "You have my apologies. Zipporwhill, she can be a bit… overenthusiastic at times."

"Yeah, I noticed." Scootaloo seethed as she looked to her nemesis. How dare she? How dare she be so hard to hate?

"Let it go, Louie."

The Crusader's eyes went wide as her ears went flat. "Daaaad! You know I hate it when you call me that!"

Ollie Outie nodded. "And that's why I only call you that when you're being rude. You shouldn't look at other ponies like you're going to tear out their throats." He brought his sunglasses down and winked. "Don't let them know what you're plotting."

Scootaloo took mental notes even as she blushed. In front of her nemesis, no less! "Yes, sir…"

The pumpkin-coated stallion smirked. "Well, I guess that's fair, dumb nickname for dumb nickname. Now, Song-on-the-Wind and I were talking. Zipporwhill's cuteceñera's tomorrow. How'd you like to go?"

I'd rather have my wings torn off. My useless, useless wings. So went Scootaloo's first thoughts. However, after a bit of further consideration, she smiled at the idea. "Yeah, that sounds like fun."

"Excellent!" boomed Song-on-the-Wind. "We will look forward to seeing you!"

Zipporwhill dove down to nuzzle Scootaloo. "It's going to be so much fun! The Ponytones will be there, and Miss Pinkie will plan it, and, and, and…" She gave a high-pitched squeal way too close to the other filly's ear. "Oh, I can't wait!"

"Neither can I." Oh yes, thought Scootaloo. Tomorrow would be the beginning of the end for her nemesis.

"Louie."

"Sorry, Dad."

"Whoo, yeah, alright! We got the Ponytones! We got the Ponytones!"

"We get it," Scootaloo muttered. Honestly, who reserved Town Hall for a cuteceñera? Didn't the Mayor have anything better to do? She must have fallen under Zipporwhill's thrall. It was surely only a matter of time before all of Ponyville fell before her. And once she had Princess Twilight…

No. That would never come to pass. Scootaloo would stop her. For Equestria. But first, she needed to know her enemy, and she knew just who to ask. Spotting him in the party's airspace was easy. From there, she just had to track his descent. The slight twitch in one eyelid only added spice to the challenge.

At last, she had her quarry cornered. "Featherweight."

The scrawny colt spun and fumbled with his glass of punch. "S-Scootaloo! Hi! Fancy seeing you here!" His grin seemed more like an attempt to hide behind his buckteeth.

So. He knew she'd been hunting him. Fine by her. "I need something from you, Feathers."

"Y-yes?" He swallowed, and his wings flared out. Scootaloo expected the following blush. He hadn't meant to show his fear so blatantly, but his literal flight reflexes betrayed him.

Still, she couldn't have him flee before getting what she wanted. "I'm not mad at you," Scootaloo assured him, even as she crept closer. "Just give me what I want, and there won't be any problem."

Featherweight dropped his punch, his face even redder than the stain on his leg. "I. You. We. That. But—"

"Shh." Scootaloo put a forehoof to his lips. A panicking colt would tell her nothing. "It's gonna be okay."

After a moment, Featherweight swallowed and nodded. "O-okay."

Scootaloo beamed. "Great! So, tell me everything you know about Zipporwhill."

The colt just stared at her for a moment. His wings went down and his breathing went back to normal. Scootaloo let him collect himself. Finally, after a few false starts, he got a "What."

She rolled her eyes. Colts. Even when they were skinny as a rail, they were thicker than a post. "You know, new filly? Pegasus? The reason we're all here?"

Featherweight facehoofed for some reason, and then he was all scowls and gritted teeth. "I'm familiar with her, yes."

"What's your problem?"

"My problem is you leading me on when all you want is a… a dossier! On my cousin, no less!"

Scootaloo blinked. "She's your cousin?" She glanced up — of course it was up — at her nemesis for a moment, comparing her to Featherweight. "Oh. Huh. Yeah, you two almost—"

"I know."

"Oh. Heh. Sorry, you probably get that a lot." Scootaloo coughed into a fetlock. "Still, you're the colt who keeps tabs on everypony, right?"

Featherweight took a deep breath and muttered something the filly didn't catch. Louder, he said, "Alright, what do you want to know?"

Scootaloo had prepared for this. At Dash's recommendation, she'd turned to the Daring Do novels to see what to do with a nemesis. "Weaknesses, usual tactics, long-term plans, anything you can give me."

This just got a funny look for a few seconds. "Um, she likes cute stuff, just about the only time she isn't flying is when she's asleep, and she says she's going take good care of her puppy, and I guess her cutie mark supports that, but if it's anything like her flute lessons, she's gonna get bored with it soon."

"I see." Scootaloo nodded. "I may be able to use that. Anything else?"

"Well there is one other thing. You're not the only one who wanted to know about her."

An ally? "Really? Who else?"

"Young mistress, you have a visitor."

Diamond Tiara looked up from her Junior Plutocrat Dream Sweatshop and quirked an eyebrow. Silver Spoon visited often enough that the help referred to her by name, so it wasn't her. Still, like Daddy said, opportunity knocked quietly. A smart pony kept one ear pointed at the door. "Send them in."

As Scootaloo trudged into the room, Tiara masked her shock about as well as could be expected. "You!?"

The pegasus glared at her. "I'm not too thrilled about this either."

Tiara analyzed the situation while somehow holding back her devastating wit. There was no sign of the rest of the Blank Flank Brigade, which meant either this was a con, or Scootaloo needed something that only the prettiest, smartest, most humble filly in Ponyville could provide. "Why are you here?"

"I…" Scootaloo made a face like she'd just eaten a bucket full of lemons. The lemons and the bucket. "I need your help."

Tiara scoffed. "And why should I help you with anything, especially after that little hoop jump of yours stole my rightful place as flagbearer in the Games?"

The pegasus fixed a glare on Tiara that made her realize she was alone with a pony who had every right to hate her, caused disasters wherever she went, and hung out with a mare who routinely broke the sound barrier. She was suddenly very glad there was a model manufactory between them. But then Scootaloo said the magic word: "Zipporwhill."

Diamond's dread was forgotten in an instant. "Ah. The chicken's jealous of the hummingbird, is she?" The glare redoubled. The earth filly coughed into a fetlock to cover her scramble for composure. "Well, the enemy of my enemy is my friend, I suppose. Though, really, that could apply to either one of you. Why should I side with you when I could just use her as a replacement for the bumpkin's chunky cousin?"

"I know you've talked to Featherweight. We both know she's way too nice to pick on anypony like you do."

"Huh. I was wondering how you knew to come to me." Tiara pursed her forehooves before her. She could get away with lying on her belly before such an obvious inferior. So long as the playset was between them. "Still, you underestimate me. If I can turn Apples against Apples, who's to say what I can do with that perfect pegasus princess?"

Scootaloo smirked. "Did you hear yourself just then? Even I could tell how much you hate her."

Tiny model wage slaves went flying as Tiara pounced, knocking Scootaloo on her back. Muzzle to muzzle, she shouted, "Of course I hate her! That insufferable little pixie is the darling of the whole town! She's so sickeningly adorable, everypony's stopped paying attention to me! And that tiara! Where does she get off wearing that tiara? I should be wearing that tiara, not some sweetness-and-light horsefly who doesn't know the first thing to do with a cult of personality!" She huffed and puffed, her eyes gazing at nothing, pupils shrunken to pinpricks. "It should be me…"

Scootaloo gulped. She'd been looking for an ally. Instead, she'd gone and stepped on a party mine full of crazy. "S-so you'll help me?"

Tiara's attention turned back to her. The earth filly sneered. "No. No, you are going to help me."

Sugarcube Corner.

5 Mane Street. Four o' clock. Three fillies. Two earth ponies. One unicorn.

Infinite awkwardness.

Apple Bloom squirmed in her seat. "Why're we doin' this again?"

Silver Spoon sighed. "DT's got a bug up her rear over the new kid. Apparently the dodo does too."

"And Scootaloo called in a favor for that time you took apart her scooter," added Sweetie Belle.

"Ah put it back together! Ah just wanted t' see how th' durn thing turns when th' handle ain't attached t' th' wheels."

The door to the Corner opened. Scootaloo and Diamond Tiara strode in as one, united through vengeance. They approached the table where their friends sat and stood before them. Each turned to the other, and Scootaloo dipped her head to Tiara, who nodded and began addressing the assembled foals.

"You're probably all wondering why we called you here today—"

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. "'Cause you 'n' Scoot 're in a snit over that Zipporwhill filly. Big mystery."

Tiara gritted her teeth and glared at her secondary nemesis. "Silence!"

Scootaloo put a foreleg between them and turned to her fellow Crusader. "Please, hear us out, Apple Bloom." She narrowed her eyes. "For Jolene."

"Fine," Bloom huffed. "But make it quick. Perfectly good Sunday an' here we are, plottin' 'gainst somepony who ain't hurt nopony."

"Not yet, she hasn't," Scootaloo cautioned her. "She's still… what'd you call it, Tiara?"

"Building her power base." Diamond Tiara snarled. "I recognize the tactics all too well. After all, I used them back in kindergarden. All that simpering sickly sweetness, making everypony think they're your best friend when you're really trapping them in the honey." She smirked and tilted her head at her ally of convenience. "Fortunately, Flightless here's been covered in tree sap enough times to recognize the signs. Never thought she'd be the smart one out of you three."

Scootaloo nudged her. "Cool it, Tiara. We're working together, remember?"

This got a shrug. "Hey, old habits die hard."

"Okay, enough banter," said Sweetie. "Do we actually have a plan, or are we just going to sit here?"

"Yes, to business. Alright, gentlemares, how do we defeat Supermane?"

All five looked at Pinkie Pie. She looked back and smiled. "What? It's a slow day."

Tiara wasn't the only filly who knew how to recognize an opportunity. Apple Bloom donned her best puppy-dog eyes. "Pinkie, c'n you try an' talk sense inta these two? They're convinced Zipporwhill's gonna try an' take over th' town or somethin'."

The other fillies just stared at Apple Bloom until Silver Spoon said what everypony was thinking. "You want Pinkie Pie to talk sense into somepony. Pinkie Pie." After a moment, she turned to the mare and gave a weak smile. "Um, no offense."

Pinkie waved a hoof. "Oh, none taken. You should've seen how my last try at a pep talk went. I mean, there's being blunt, and then there's accidentally creating a hypothetical situation that reduces one of your friends to a quivering pile of terror."

She turned to the co-conspirators. "Still, you two may be overreacting just a smidgen. I mean, Zipporwhill's favorite kind of cupcake is red velvet. I don't think anypony who likes red velvet cupcakes can be evil. Not irredeemably." She tapped her chin with a hooftip. "Hmm. I'll have to ask Twilight and see if we can take the Elements out of the Tree of Harmony for a quick Rainbow Beam of Fix Everything™, just to be safe."

The fillies looked at one another, seeing their own unease on four other faces. "Uh, we appreciate the thought and all, Pinkie," said Scootaloo, "but we'd really rather try and resolve this on our own."

Sweetie's hoof went to her horn. "And I don't want any more vines taking control of my magic."

"Or sproutin' all over the orchard," added Apple Bloom.

"Or wrecking Barnyard Bargains." The Crusaders looked at Diamond Tiara, who swept a withering glare back. "What? Did you think you were the only ones those stupid vines messed with? There were thousands of bits worth of damage and ruined merchandise!"

Pinkie sighed. "Well, if you're sure. I mean, I could just try using Boneless. He's gotten this funny rainbow-only-not-quite-a-rainbow effect ever since Cheese Sandwich gave him to me. That's bound to have some kind of future plot relevance."

Everypony at the table nodded like bobbleheads in the post-apocalypse, accompanied by a synchronized "We're sure" from Scootaloo and Diamond Tiara.

"Okay…" Pinkie dipped her head and dragged her hooves upstairs.

Sweetie Belle frowned as she watched the party pony. "Do you think we should—"

"Welcome to Sugarcube Corner!"

All eyes turned to the counter. Sure enough, there was Pinkie, her usual smile in place. And on the other side was…

"Zipporwhill!"

"Could you two stop doin' that?" asked Apple Bloom. "Gettin' kinda creepy."

Neither paid her any heed, focused on their own rushed, hushed exchange. "Does she suspect something?" Scootaloo asked.

"If she does," answered Tiara, "she's even more dangerous than I thought. Especially if she turns Pinkie Pie. She'll know all about us!"

"What do we do?"

"We need to move to a fallback position. Your clubhouse. It's isolated, we can stock supplies—"

"Uh, Tiara?" said Silver Spoon.

"And if she gets to Applejack? She's already got at least three of her best friends! What about your place? It's huge; she'll never know we're there."

"Scootaloo?" called Sweetie Belle.

"Unsustainable. My daddy's sure to be a high-value target, and I can't just hide and let her take him for her own."

"Where, then? I'm not going into the Everfree just to—"

Apple Bloom got up and stuck her head in the huddle. "Hey. Knuckleheads." The plotters looked up, whirling thoughts leaving their faces blank. She pointed a hoof. "She's right there."

Zipporwhill gave a shy wave, a cookie in one hoof. "Hi."

Scootaloo and Tiara froze in place, their mouths agape. Instincts urged them to run, to bunch together, to fan out. Indecision settled on holding still lest she see them.

Apple Bloom sighed. "Alright, Ah'm puttin' this t' bed. Zipporwhill?"

"Yeah?"

"Y' plannin' t' take over town?"

The filly blinked a few times, trying to process the question. Her mouth worked silently a few times. "…Nooo. No, I'm not."

"Recruitin' anypony fer yer own evil purposes?"

"No."

"Plottin' th' downfall o' all Equestria?"

"No." Zipporwhill giggled. "I like this game. How about you?"

Apple Bloom smirked. "Done hit a snag. Turns out applewood's good fer a lotta things, but giant robots ain't one of 'em."

"You're building a giant robot?"

Bloom smiled. There was the Scootaloo she knew. She turned and gave a laugh. "Course not! Mighta drawn up a few blueprints, but Ah ain't gonna start without you 'n' Sweetie!"

Scootaloo beamed. "Cool!"

Sweetie nudged her. "Scootaloo? Don't you have something you should say to somepony?"

"Huh?" The realization hit, and the orange filly's ears fell flat. "Oh. Right." She turned to her fellow pegasus. "Zipporwhill, I'm sorry I was so jealous of you."

Zipporwhill boggled at this. "You? Jealous? Of me? But you're the coolest pegasus ever!"

There was really only one response to that. "Say what now?"

"Cousin Featherweight has told me so much about you! Your scooter tricks, your courage, your determination!" She hovered close and whispered, "I think he likes you."

"I…" The conversation at the cuteceñera replayed in Scootaloo's mind. Her blush almost lit up the bakery. "Oh. Oh gosh."

"Hey!" A shout and a shove from Diamond Tiara broke her out of her revery. "Don't tell me you're buying this! She's obviously just feeding your ego." The earth filly sniffed. "Though you and that beaver-toothed twig deserve one another."

Zipporwhill took this in and nodded to herself. "You must be Diamond Tiara."

Tiara turned to her, scowling. "Must I?"

"Featherweight told me about you, too. You're the filly who made him betray the truth."

Tiara pushed Scootaloo out of the way and moved directly beneath Zipporwhill. "He took those photos with a smile on his face! He enjoyed every minute of working under me, no matter what he said afterwards!"

The pegasus dipped down. Her eyes narrowed as tiara met tiara. "You are everything he said and more. I almost pity you. Almost."

"You think you're better than me? Any different from me? I've seen the way that bearded blimp you call a father waits on you hoof and tail!"

"You know what the difference is between my papa and yours?" Zipporwhill moved away, and her expression softened to something like regret. "My papa can say 'no.'"

Tiara's rage oozed out of her, leaving only confusion. "You make that sound like a good thing."

Zipporwhill nodded. "Exactly." She drifted towards the door.

The Crusaders looked at one another before following. "Wait up, Zipporwhill!"

"Y' wanna come see our clubhouse?"

"Got any liftoff tips?"

Silver Spoon watched them go before turning back to her friend. Tiara hadn't moved an inch. "Uh, DT?"

"I… I don't understand." Tiara stared at nothing. "How is that a counterargument? Did… did she give up? Do I win? It doesn't feel like I won." She noticed the other filly. "Spoony, did I win?"

Silver Spoon adjusted her glasses, coughed into a fetlock, and found herself out of ways to delay her answer. She turned to Pinkie. "Chocolate sundae with the works, please."

The mare nodded. "Yeah, she's definitely gonna need some ice cream for that burn."

Author's Note

Remember: The roans in Spone will only loan cologne. (Thanks go to horizon for giving me a much better rhyme than the original, which involved tequila, which is Mexican, and thus the rhyme displeased my inner Twilight.)

Since the community has yet to come to a consensus on the fellow credited as "Pegasus Dad," I went with something that felt right for a pegasus with a guitar mark.

Ollie Outie is by and large expy of Dirk Strider and my go-to pony for Scootadad, as seen in Elementals of Harmony. Really, I can think of no one better.

Scootaloo refers to her scooter as "her" in "Secret of my Excess." I have decided she named it Jolene, for my own inscrutable reasons and totally not because of a joke involving a Dolly Parton song that I have planned. :trixieshiftleft: :trixieshiftright:

As for why I wrote this? Well, several Derpibooru comments noted that between her cutie mark and constant flight, Zipporwhill is basically the anti-Scootaloo. Then someone proposed a headwear rivalry between her and Diamond Tiara. From there, the wheels started spinning, my muse ran with it, and I did all I could to hang on to the leash.