Bet ya can't make a one-shot crazier than THIS!

by I_Wish_For_Pudding

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Dark, Alternate Universe
Length: 3758

RD pretends to die, Gilda is seeing things, and my brain is full of crap.

Gilda's seeing stuff and my utter insanity is NOT helping.

If only, if only, the woodpecker cries, I could choose more than just five characters.
WARNING: contains multiple references that I do not own, almost nothing is mine, yadda yadda. Also contains a bit of stuff that made me rate this T. Set in my Creepypastaverse. Contains a crazy griffon and I promise I'll make a serious one soon… What did I just do?

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-20 04:50:08 UTC

I write in your general direction!

BEWARE!!!! DANGERS LAY AHEAD!

Rainbow Dash paces back and forth, stealing glances left and right uneasily, as you land, fold your large brown wings and walk into her house. You’ve visited her many times since you moved to Cloudsdale from a hotel room in Canterlot and apologized to her and all of her friends. Multiple times. None the matter, Dash is your best friend. Pretty pink bunnies hop away from you.

  “What’s wrong?” you ask, worriedly. She’s been like this for… for how long? A few weeks? A month? Speaking of which, what day is it? You know it’s some kind of holiday, or something to be celebrated. You look for the calendar on the wall to check and find that, instead, ripped shreds of colorful paper hang on a rusted cloud refrigerator — cloud refrigerators can rust? You ask yourself, suprised — by a section of a thin horseshoe-shaped magnet, probably snapped in half.

  You look back at the shaking blue pegasus, still running laps back and forth across the living room. You look into her eyes and are confused by what you see, on default. Rainbow Dash reaches the wall without noticing you, and turns around, starts going the opposite way.

  What is it? You think. Some feeling was in her eyes, something you didn’t understand. It wasn’t worry or panic. You knew this instantly. You had known Dash all through flight camp; she never worried unless she was facing some gnarly competition.

  Anger? No, you know anger. It couldn’t be anger. Anger is that glare, that sometimes-desperate shine of the eye.

Depression? Couldn’t be. She wasn’t sulking around in a corner.

  Fear? No, Rainbow Dash was — is — never afraid. Fearless… right? You look down at the floor, wondering.

  Your thoughts are interrupted by your colorful friend, who, according to the ceasing of the clopping noises, has stopped pacing.

“Gilda?” she asks. She slowly angles her head towards you. Her eyes are bloodshot, and the magenta-rose irises look more dark red. One eye has a long, thin, lightning-bolt shaped scar coming down from it. That feeling in them again… It’s a kind of fear, of paranoia. You shudder, you’ve seen something like this before. No. It can’t be like that. You quickly push it out of your mind.

  Before you can register exactly WHAT that feeling is, the feeling that has seemed to have taken over Rainbow Dash’s soul, you are in a tight embrace. You blink the blurriness from your eyes and see that two sky-blue forelegs are holding you in a strong grasp. Sobbing sounds emanate from the owner of them, who’s head is buried in your shoulder, hence the wetness streaming down your back. Enormous bluebirds flutter back and forth, back and forth.

  You sit down on your haunches, still eleven inches from the doorway. You pull your forelegs up around Rainbow, pat her back with one claw and smooth her mane with the other, looking over her shoulder at the bluebirds, then looking back at her. Her mane is duller, tangled and sticking out at all the wrong angles. It’s a bit like colorful, rotting wet hay. Her body shakes crazily and heaves with each choking round of tears, like a machine gun. Not in the wrong way, however. The rate of which the bluebirds are inflating frightens you.

  You can feel her heart drumming against her ribs, her frame shuddering with every breath. It draws your attention away from the bluebirds, yet in turn shocks you with a sudden memory that you aren't even sure is real.

  You think you've seen something like this before, before you decided to move to Cloudsdale out of fear, after — no, while you were visiting Ponyville to say sorry to… No. You force it out, it seems too dark for you. Change of subject.

  “D-Dash…” you whisper. “RD, you okay?” You run your talons through Rainbow’s wet, tangled mane. She smells of sweat and something else, something you just can’t place your talon on…

  “I… I…” Rainbow Dash chokes back a sob. “What is it?” you question. Rainbow looks up at you with bloodshot eyes. She quivers, her mouth open as if she will say something, but nothing comes out but a choked squeal. “Rainbow, what’s wrong? Rainbow?” You’re confused. What’s going on? You shudder as you try to ignore the blood rising from the floor in great orbs.

  Dash lets go of you slowly, pulls herself away, still looking at you. She stands, almost completely still, and slowly turns around. She starts walking towards the window. “Rainbow… what are you doing, Dash?” You’re starting to worry.

She’s walking slowly, stumbling every now and then…

  “Rainbow?” Your voice is high-pitched. You’re getting frightened. Your heart beats faster and faster as Dash places one hoof on her windowsill, then the other, and slowly lifts herself up. The very last faint sliver of memory you had of six months ago is now gone. All that matters is Rainbow Dash, the only bit of sanity left in your life.

  You suddenly find yourself barreling towards her. “Rainbow!!” You scream louder than you ever thought possible, your heart is drumming against your ribcage. You fly faster then you’ve ever before, but you couldn’t stop her — she’s already heading towards the ground.You dive out of the window and shoot down after her, flying with a wingpower higher than that of all Ponyville's Pegasi’s put together.

  Rainbow Dash is plummeting down towards the ground, the ground that once made you feel so much more safe and secure than up in the clouds, the clouds in which you were teased, pointed at, and whispered about for being a so-called “monster”, the clouds Rainbow once felt so safe and secure in, the clouds she is now tumbling from at an immense speed. You try to fly after her, to save her, but something you see -- other than the crazy things that are in a place between reality and imagination, something you are truly sure is real -- catches you off guard.

  Through the blur of rainbow, two sky-blue wings are flapping at their most power. And then you realize—

  If she wanted to be saved, she would’ve pulled up by now.

  And then you hear a sickening thud and crack.

  As you’re about to hit the ground, you quickly swerve upwards. “Dash! No!” you yell, looking down at her bent form, laying in a pool of dark, deeply colored blood and saltwater tears. You start sobbing and slowly lower yourself to the ground.

  “Dash…” your voice is choked and uneven. “I’m so s…”

  You stop when you see a sad smile on RD’s face. “I deserve it,” she whispers. You can barely hear her, but what she’s said is obvious. The only thing breaking the mood is a shrieking louse that's jumping on your beak.

  “But… Scootaloo will…”

  “Scootaloo’s dead. Emotionless.” Rainbow Dash’s response is prominent and bold. There is no joking tone in it. Her eyes are wide open. The blood surrounding her makes the one lightning-bolt shaped scar all the more noticeable. You gasp. What… why would Rainbow…

  As if reading your mind, Rainbow Dash answers. “I didn’t.” The four syllables after that are strange, almost frustrating, to you. The two words that came from her mouth ring out in your head…

They’re still ringing as she gasps in her last breath and exhales.

__________

At her funeral, you cry and embrace all of her friends. You drink wine, and then you drink more. You talk to Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy, both of whom you have irritated. They are both acting odd, but you decide to not pay too much attention to it (everyone’s been drinking, you think) and soon walk away.

As you’re walking towards Dash, who’s laying with her two front hooves crossed in her open coffin, you bump in to a lavender Alicorn, wearing a dark tiara. “Oof! Oh, hello, Gilda. I haven’t seen you since… well, since you ran screaming from Ponyville, I guess.” The beautiful princess snickers, and you share a good laugh. You then sigh.

  You sit down together, looking at the sparkling stars in a semi-awkward silence. “Hey, um…” you say, looking for a way to put some sort of noise into the scene, “what’s your name? Twilight, right?” The royal pony nodded. “You’ve… grown.” Twilight laughed lightheartedly. It was true, Twilight Sparkle had a bit in the six months that had passed. Not only that, but her navy mane now ended in a starry, cobalt form, dotted with stars. The streaks ended in shimmering orange-pink and golden tones. “I’ve been working on emotional tests for queen Celestia,” she said, softly. “I don’t know what she needs them for, but… I’ll always be loyal to her. No matter how strange this town gets.” Twilight sighed. “There are many strange things in this town. More than before.” So,  Celly’s a queen now, huh? You hear a strange, creeping voice in the back of your head. You shake it off, confused. Everything’s blurred for some reason. The alcohol must be getting to you.

  Now Twilight’s asking you what Rainbow’s last words were. You stumble towards the melodious harmony of sound emerging from the purple (and… red?) blob’s mouth, having nowhere else to go.

You answer honestly, if not in a slightly slurred tone of voice, the last two words that  you heard come out of your mouth. Although most Unicorns and Earth Ponies have little if not any reaction, multiple Pegasi drop their glasses of cider and apple wine, and the white Alicorn hiding amongst the crowd puts a hoof to her mouth.

  “The Factory.”

  Out of nowhere, two rose eyes fly open, and the sky-blue pegasus spreads her wings and shoots upward out of the elegantly carved coffin, hovering in midair. She lets out a cackle of wicked glee as more gasps arise from the crowd. Somepony even screams “The horror, the horror!!!” Some even gallop, fly or teleport away from the scene, crying for their mothers. You see things in the scene that explain what Twilight meant by “strange things”- one of which being a dusty blue earth pony stallion with a navy mane who - on turning towards you - shows that he has a single golden eye in the middle of his face, another being a yellow pony with a patched-up leathery bow in her scarlet mane, who’s obviously the sister of the pony Rainbow Dash had spoken of — Applejack — running towards Pinkie. You see a white unicorn filly with a pink and purple mane, somewhere in her teens, slowly darkening into tones of gray and black as she runs along with a twitching robot version of herself, who’s chanting in a monotone voice, “DOES NOT COMPUTE. DOES NOT COMPUTE.” Strangest of all, you see a dully-colored version of Scootaloo taking flight, but not before flashing you a glance. Her eyes look dead…

  You shake your head, failing to clear the scrambled thoughts in your brain, and stare up at the blue Pegasus, trying to form words.

All that come out are sounds that not even you can comprehend. “Quomodo sed Deus est titillation em ad pedes soccum non mortui vivunt!! Quid ego et collum extendis it feles mortuum vivens mortua est vobis…? MWA MWA????”

  “Uh… somepony help! Gilda Eaglewing’s speaking in old Equestrian!!!” The rainbow-maned Pegasus shakes her head and slowly lowers herself down to you. You’re hyperventilating, your ribcage squeezes your lungs, and your heart is pounding. Sweat trickles through your feathers as you stare at the seemingly undead pony before you, your friend who you honestly thought was long-gone.  Your emotions swing wildly and you glare ferociously at the ponified Nyan Cat, her wet mane, her only slightly bloody coat, her beautiful, beautiful eyes, masked by tears and a scar - first you’re in shock, then you’re sad, then depressed, then confused. Nervous. Scared. Frightened. Terrified. Excited. Happy. Confused again. Irritated. Annoyed. Frustrated. Angry. Furious. Enraged. “Wha- Ff- L- You l- Wh- whaaaa…?!” You’re shaking madly, pointing with a hooked talon at the pony who’s now dusting herself off with a hoof.

  You can’t think. You don’t know. You don’t know what to think. You’re too caught up in pondering what to thing to notice that you’re still staring at Rainbow Dash in shock. Wh-wh-whwwwwwhwhwhw_______FILE:GILDA.EXE_HAS_STOPPED_WORKING—————WORST_PRANK_EVER_CRY_SEQUENCE_INITIATED— tears build up in your eyes.

  “I think you want the short version.” Rainbow walks calmly towards you, wings neatly folded. You stand still, stiff as a board. Lies. All you’ve been told. LIES. The bunnies and birds all twitch wildly and curl up like soft plastic introduced to immense heat. On thinking this, they all catch flame.

  Two words are whispered into your ear, derailing your runaway train of thought.

  “Not. Dead.”

Suddenly, Rainbow Dash’s face turns into a Missingno and happy kittens run around you and then their teeth are replaced with black, shiny tendrils and so are their entire faces. And then the earth opens up but doesn’t swallow you and instead it goes MOOOOOOOOO. And Twilight’s still there but she’s enormously tall and you can only see her ugly, chipped hooves and slime is pouring out of them and you’re slipping away and the fish screams at you, saying “DON’T TRUST THE ENDERMAN.”

It was about then that you passed out, and soon after that, black, bloody tendrils replaced your insides. You mutter one last thing under your breath.

“Stupid… cider…”

__________

  “And that was when we found you,” Said Twilight, adjusting her eyeglasses. The tips of her flowing mane twinkled in the dim light. “Actually, it was Ditzy who found you on the ground below Rainbow’s house. She called us over. Your eyes were wide open; you were screaming like you were dying.” Twilight snickered. “I actually thought you WERE dying.”

  Gilda’s eyes fluttered open. She was in a small room, laying on something that was indistinguishable from a bed-couch-combination. She looked around and was stricken by Surprise. Literally, the white pegasus smacked her on the cheek. She was surrounded by ponies, not colorful animals.

  Fluttershy was on her far left — woah, that was Fluttershy? Her hair was shaggy and her eyes were ringed with shadow. It seemed as if she had no irises, yet still had pupils. Where her wings should’ve been there was a furless strip of flesh. Her cutie mark was now a red sword or something between two butterflies. She looked like she had been locked in a dungeon and starved for a year. It was possible to literally count her ribs! Scary, thought Gilda.

  Next to Flutters, there was a golden Earth pony with freckles dotting her cheeks. Applejack, thought Gilda. Nothing had changed that much, she just looked… tired. She was just slightly duller in color, and was lacking her cowpony hat. Her hair actually resembled wet straw. It seemed as if her aura was just “Get done with it so I can go home and sleep.” She was smirking, though, and her eyebrows were just slightly tilted in a sorry sort of way.

  Then there was a cloud-gray pony that Gilda didn’t recognize — That must be Ditzy, thought Gilda. Ditzy’s amber-colored eyes went just slightly in different directions, just enough to be noticed if you were really careful. She had a blonde, windswept mane and tail, and her cutie mark was seven heart-shaped bubbles. Why not just ordinary, round bubbles? Thought Gilda, rolling her eyes.

  Next to her was Twilight Sparkle, the tips of her mane and tail clearly illustrating her namesake. She had small eyeglasses perched upon the tip of her muzzle and was wearing a sort of lab coat. She looked amazing, almost exactly as she did in Gilda’s dream-nightmare-scary-thing. She was droning on about something. All Gilda could hear was “The cruel prank that Rainbow did blah blah yadda yadda, Rainbow Dash will not have cake, yap yap yap blah blah blah blah.” Boring Alicorn. Next pony.

  Side by side with Twilight was another pony Gilda didn’t recognize. He had bushy, white eyebrows and a beige-gray coat. One of his forelegs’ hooves was the color of a manticore’s hide. The other leg was almost entirely yellow and striped, reminding Gilda of her own forelegs. The pony’s left hind leg had a greenish-white hoof, and his right hind leg was tan (simply putting it) with a brown cloven hoof. He had a light blue horn sticking out of a messy, pink-tinged white mane, and a pair of wings folded along his back — one a blue Pegasus wing, the other a purple bats’ wing. His eyes were red and he had a white beard. Gilda twitched and looked away.

  Next to that abomination, Pinkie Pie stood, eyeing the exhausted griffon with utmost concern. Gilda wouldn’t have guessed it was Pinkie if it weren’t for the colors and cutie mark. The once-upbeat pink party pony had a long, straight mane, as if her puffy, frizzy one had deflated like a balloon. Her tail was just the same. Pinkie now, apparently, had fangs, and one was just showing over her lip. And she was standing completely still. All this made Gilda twitch and look away as she had done with that horrific… THING… but for a different reason.

  Next was a white unicorn with a twirling, satin-like violet mane. Her crystal-blue eyes were almond-shaped, lined with eyelashes that were probably extensions yet were pretty nonetheless. On her flank, there were three blue kite-shaped diamonds. She would’ve been absolutely gorgeous if it weren’t for the knife-scars riddling her entire body, the black two-part mark on her chest resembling a heart, and the fact that her silky tail was cut into a tomboyish, ragged, short stub. Rarity, Gilda guessed. Rarity mumbled something about her fainting couch being completely ruined by down and shed fur. So this is a fainting couch, thought the griffon, briefly touching the velvet furniture.

  Last of them all, on Gilda’s far right, was Rainbow Dash, complete with rainbow mane and tail, sky-blue coat and wings, lightning-bolt shaped scar and all. Gilda stared, golden bird-eyed piercing Dash’s very soul.

  Twilight stopped her droning when she saw Gilda glaring daggers at her rainbow-maned used-to-be friend. “Gilda?” asked the princess, shakily. “Um, Giiiil-daaaaa???”

  The griffon’s gaze snapped on to Twilight, who shook as if she were cold. Gilda’s eyes wavered and slowly turned to black. Her irises seemed to collapse into her pupils, slowly switching from a cold tangerine color to an even colder blood red. Oil-like black liquid trickled down from her tear ducts, dribbling down her downy face and staining her feathers. The black stain spread further, ebbing across her skin, reaching out farther than a stain usually would. Soon, the dark gray covered her entire face. Her teeth were gritted in a deep, hateful growl. Gilda barely realized she had gotten up because the author was about to make the mistake of having the griffon attack somepony from Rarity’s drama thingy and crap, I just gave that away, didn’t I?

  Gilda had now fully evolved into Zalgriffon. Don’t ask. She then prepared her claws and attacked somepony who wasn’t even there, lashing out at the air as warm, invisible blood splattered her face, and unseeable entrails of an infinite amount spilled out onto a floor made of nothing and slid across it making weird squelching noises. Gilda then bit into the invisible pony’s throat, spraying massive amounts of blood that didn’t exist everywhere, and tore it out. A lack of vomit spilled on to the pristine floor which is now apparently made of diamond even though all of the imaginary pony’s guts were already almost gone. Gilda bit into the lack of pony’s eyeball and dragged it across the floor which tore its skin for no reason whatsoever.

  She then flew through the ceiling and ate the pony made of air, and a shriek of victory escaped from her lungs.

__________________

A shriek echoed through town, causing several ponies to look up, including a small robot who was a few malfunctioning a few minutes ago from utter fear of a changeling transforming and was still a bit shellshocked. The adorable AI looked up and saw the crazed griffon. She got a strange, sick idea, causing her LED-tipped horn to light up, and trotted happily home.

  Back inside the building that an insane, hallucination-affected griffon had escaped just about a minute ago, eight ponies were staring at an open window.

  “Well, good job. You’ve managed to scare me,” stated Discord, currently stuck in a pony’s shape, breaking a tedious, awkward silence.

  Silence again, aside from a few distant “caw”ing noises and the occasional roar.

  After a few minutes, Pinkamena mumbled something. Applejack leaned in awkwardly. Pinkamena said it again, and Applejack nodded.

  “What’d she say?” asked Twilight Sparkle, tilting her head. Applejack opened her mouth as if she were about to say something, but then stopped and closed it again. “Ahem…” She coughed, clearing her throat, and said, “she said, ‘do ya’ll think Gilda’ll be alrigh’?’”

  “That is NOT what I said,” stated Pinkamena, “you big fat liar.” (She said that last bit under her breath because she didn’t exactly feel like dying.)

  Twilight rolled her eyes and turned to Applejack. She said, harshly, “Then what did she say?” “Ah’ve got NO idea.” AJ glared at Twilight, then scrunched her face up and made her eyes flicker back and forth, then returned to a glare. “But it is what Ah want tah know. So tell me, Twiligh’, what does yer purdy little brain think of what’s gun’ happen to Gilda?”

  Twilight paused, walked to the open window, and stared out into the sky.

  “I have no idea.”

  “She’ll live.” Everypony turned to the speaker. Ditzy shrugged, and pulled a hoof filer out of thin air. “Simply stating the obvious,” she said, running the sandpapery object along her hooves.

  As if in response, there was a loud “SKRAWWWWWWWKKK!!!” coming from the sky, and several gunshots. Everypony gathered at the window and looked down. at the ground.

  “I don’t think your theory’s that accurate!!!” Yelled a white filly, made entirely of metal, in a robot-like voice. A rifle was poking out of an open plate on her side. Next to her was a living version of herself, slightly larger, with her tail curled around her legs, sitting and watching, afraid to stop the small robot filly.

  Another pause, more gunshots. Finally, two words came from Rainbow Dash’s mouth.

  “Well, dammit.”