Chess

by TheColorGreen

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Discord, Princess Celestia, Original Character
Length: 4319

Princess Celestia and Discord play chess.

Princess Celestia and Discord play chess. Regular, ordinary, unimportant chess.

Except for the fact that their board is the Equestrian multiverse and their pieces are the characters of that multiverse.

Other than that, it's completely unimportant.
Really.

Published 2014-02-20 03:10:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-01 15:00:09 UTC

Chapter One

“Why did you call me here, Discord?”

Princess Celestia leveled an austere gaze at the “reformed” spirit of chaos, who grinned merrily back. Never mind that his head had switched placed with his left arm.

On his right hand―or paw, or whatever it was―a chess board had been balanced. It appeared to be an ordinary chess board, but Celestia knew better. She narrowed her eyes.

“I thought I put that away.”

“Oh, dearest Celestia, did you think you could hide something from me?” Discord spun around once, sat down, and set the board on the table. “Of course you put it away, but the maid was very cooperative in pointing me to the nondimensional closet it was in. I thought we’d have a little game. Unless you’re… chicken?”

Discord’s lower half abruptly morphed into that of a giant chicken, and then laid an egg, just for good measure.

Celestia sighed.

Don’t do it, her conscience whispered. And yet... there was a part of her that wanted to. I suppose it… couldn't hurt. She levitated a unicorn piece.

“Alright.”

Discord smiled.

“Excellent.”

The game began.

***

A waning crescent moon hung over the dark treetops of the Everfree Forest. In the moon’s faded light, a young mare could just barely be seen, resting beneath the trees. No creature of the twisted wood dared come near her. Timberwolves gave her a wide berth; ursa majors abandoned their hunts at a mere whisper from the mare. For at her back a pair of iridescent wings glowed in the—

***

“Wait, wait, stop.” Celestia glared over the top of the chessboard at her foe. “What in the name of Father Sleipnir is that abomination?”

“Why, it’s a flutter pony, of course,” Discord answered, toying with the magical chess piece. “Haven’t you heard the legends?”

“Flutter ponies were just that—legends,” Celestia said, rather indignantly. “They were blamed when milk curdled or a family pet died. Occasionally they kidnapped foals.” She levelled a glare at the draconequus. “They don’t live in the Everfree Forest.”

“Really? Have you ever, oh, I don’t know, been to the Everfree Forest to prove that?”

Celestia sighed, knowing that this time she would have to concede.

“Well… no.”

“Very well,” Discord sniffed. “If I may continue?”

Celestia simply nodded.

***

The flutter pony lifted her head and gazed at the moon, wondering when her kin would have her back. They had long since fled to the Golden Shores; when she had decided to stay back in Equestria to care for endangered wildlife, her family—and, indeed, her species—had shunned her.

As the mare laid her head down again a warning bell went off in her head. Instantly she stood, scanning the dark forest ahead of her. Danger! There!

Even as she took off running, Täysi knew what the trouble was. That zebra living on the edge of the forest was probably—

***

“Wait.”

Discord stopped, clearly annoyed.

“What?”

“How does she know about Zecora? Until recently, only the ponies of Ponyville knew about her, and even they didn’t know much.”

Discord looked down at the chessboard. “Um… Täysi is a flutter pony mage.”

“Really? You failed to mention that in her conveniently-harped upon bit of backstory.”

Discord gave the Princess an annoyed glare. “Look, unless you can prove there wasn’t such a thing as flutter pony mages, it stays. Any last arguments?”

“No.”

Discord went back to the game.

***

Even as she took off running, Täysi knew what the trouble was. That zebra living on the edge of the forest was probably being attacked by the awful bigots from the nearby town of Ponyville!

As she went Täysi mentally mapped out a strategy. She was one of the most powerful flutter pony mages there was, so power—or rather lack of it—should be no problem. In fact, as daughter of Besvär she might even be able to—

***

“Discord.”

“What?”

Celestia glanced briefly up at the speech bubble portraying the italicized word just over Discord’s head.
“Discord. Besvär was the legendary goddess of a fictional people. The evidence overwhelming proves she never actually existed.”

“Really?” The speech bubble disappeared with a pop!, and an interested expression appeared on Discord’s face. Literally, as the expression was actually a mask covering a smirk. “Whenever did you get your Ph.D on flutter pony mythology? You need to tell me about these things, Tia!”

Celestia narrowed her eyes. “Do not. Call me that.”

“Fine. My point is: can you prove there are no half-goddess flutter ponies inhabiting the Everfree?”

This time Celestia did nothing to sugarcoat the single word forced through grit teeth.

“No…”

“Very well then.” Discord’s nose suddenly detached from his face and floated primly up into the air over his head. “Let us continue.”

Celestia lifted her hoof and menacingly moved a single piece towards Discord’s side of the board.

***

Täysi sensed the new presence just in time to pull up. By the light of the moon she beheld a lavender unicorn with a dark mane and tail standing in front of her.

Täysi instinctively backed away, knowing that lesser ponies such as the unicorn before her would naturally not understand her, thus leading to fear and perhaps hate.

“Oh, I understand you perfectly well,” the unicorn spat, her horn lighting up with a magenta glow.

A beam of pure magic, tinted magenta, shot from the unicorn’s horn. The spell quickly stripped away the illusions cloaking the mare, revealing her for what she truly was: a female changeling.

The unicorn launched an attack spell. The changeling’s scream of terror was cut short as the spell found its mark and she was vaporized.

Twilight Sparkle turned and headed back the way she had come. A lingering scream and a scorch mark on the forest floor were all that remained of an ill-fated story.

***

“Game over,” Celestia announced, knocking back Discord’s last piece. “I win.”

The draconequus slouched down, crossing his arms several more times that he should have been able to.

“’S not fair. How do you even know female changeling drones exist?”

“Can you prove that they don’t?”

The spirit of chaos paused.

“I can see how that might get annoying.”

Celestia didn't try to hide her grin.

“Shall we go again?”

Discord’s face rotated a hundred and eighty degrees, turning his frown into a smile.

“But of course, Celestia dearest.”

He placed a new piece on the board.

Author's Note

So. If there's any particular bad-OC archetype you'd like to see Discord and Celestia mess with, PM me a quick description and I'll do my best to stick it in.
Hope you enjoyed!

Chapter Two

Celestia lowered her head until her eyes were on level with the board. She moved a few steps to the side, then back again, taking in Discord’s new piece from all angles.

Finally she looked up at the draconequus and asked, “What is it?”

Discord examined the claws on one hand (or paw). The claws appeared to be dancing a jig while playing hoofball and poker at the same time. Celestia tried to ignore the constant motion.

“I’d really rather just play this one out,” Discord said. “And this time I won’t lose.”

“We’ll see about that,” Celestia retorted.

She moved a single pawn forward.

***

Bon-Bon moved through the Ponyville market, selecting her groceries for that week and marveling at whatever there was to marvel at. Merchants passed through the small town on a daily basis, and more often than not there was something to look at.

The marketplace darkened suddenly, as though the sunlight had been cut off. Bon-Bon looked up, expecting to see the weather team moving a particularly thick cloud over the sun.

Instead she saw a tall, dark alicorn-like pony, with wings and a tail and pale, slit-pupiled green eyes.

“Citizens of Ponyville,” the alicorn-creature said. Her voice was an eerie reminder of Nightmare Moon’s failed takeover. “Kneel before your new ruler: Fear of Darkest Night!”

***

“‘Fear of Darkest Night’? Now you’re just being lazy.”

“Me? Lazy? Why, the thought!” Discord retorted, from his custom-made floating cloud-pillow-bed. “I am being completely original.”

“Right.” Celestia returned her attention to the board and moved her queen piece forward.

***

Bon-Bon sighed with relief as Twilight Sparkle burst into the market with her five friends in tow. The Elements of Harmony arranged themselves into their usual formation. One by one they began to glow, auras emanating from the jeweled necklaces they wore.

Finally Twilight’s eyes turned pure glowing white, and something akin to a sonic rainboom exploded outward from the six friends. It arced up, into the sky, and then down, hitting Fear of Darkest Night square in the face.

When the excess light cleared and all had returned to normal, the dark alicorn was still there.

***

Celestia stared at the still-standing chess piece with something very close to confusion.

“Discord, my queen should have killed yours.”

“Nope!” chirped the draconequus. “It didn’t.”

“Obviously.” Celestia sat back and studied the chess board for several long moments, noting the positions of every one of her pieces, along with the placement of Discord’s fighters.

After a long silence she spoke:

“Your move.”

***

Bon-Bon huddled against the ground in an uncomfortable kneeling position, ruing the moment she decided to leave her house this morning. Fear of Darkest Night was in full-on villain mode now, monologing to Twilight and her friends.

“Foals! Did you really think you could defeat me with such feeble relics? I was born of dark harmony, a force too powerful for your puny mortal minds to comprehend! I have defeated Celestia herself—”

***

“Fat chance,” Celestia muttered. Discord cleared his throat irritably.

***

“I have defeated Celestia herself, and covered her precious sun in my wrath!” Fear of Darkest Night thundered. “Nopony can stop me now!”

As the dark alicorn went on, Bon-Bon chanced a look to the side and saw a trio of young foals huddled underneath a market stall.

Poor things, she thought. Having to see this—having to experience this!

Almost before the though had finished, one of the fillies—an orange pegasus with a short, ruffled purple mane—burst out from underneath the cart. She was quickly followed by her friends.

As Fear of Darkest Night gaped in shock, the three fillies leapt into the air, yelling in unison:

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS CRIMINAL CONQUERORS!!! YAY!!!”

***

Discord stared in shock at his toppled queen, downed by a trio of pawns. Celestia grinned, taking the opportunity to slowly move her rook into place near his king.

“Checkmate.”

Discord stared at the board for a moment more before punching the board with all his might.

The marble pieces scattered, then magically realigned themselves. Discord slouched down in his seat, muttering some very impolite things about certain ponies.

“How in the hay was I supposed to know a few fillies could take down a villain?”

“The fate of Equestria is regularly left in the hooves of ‘a few fillies’, namely the Elements of Harmony.” A slight pause. “You experienced that first-hoof. A few times.”

“Ah, well,” Discord said, a sudden mood swing kicking in. “Go again?”

“Of course.”

The draconequus smiled.

Author's Note

And there you are. Again, in there are any particular OCs or archetypes you'd like to see in the story, comment and PM me saying so. I'm always looking out for possible future chapters.

Chapter Three

Celestia intently studied the unusual starting position of Discord’s pieces, watching them as though they might move on their own. Knowing Discord, they just might.

Then, to the draconequus’s consternation, a slow smile made its way onto Celestia’s face.

“Fisher Random Chess? Clever.” Her horn glowed golden, and her own white pieces rearranged themselves into an equally
randomized starting position. “Now then. Shall we start?”

“But of course.”

***

Twilight Sparkle lowered her head just in time to avoid being smacked in the face by a thorn-covered branch. She glanced in irritation at Applejack, but the orange-gold earth pony just ahead of her took no notice, even when her carelessness forced Twilight to dodge another branch, this one covered in curling tendrils of poison joke.

Twilight and her friends were on the fourth day of a cross-jungle trek through the depths of Zebria. Their guide, Ziah, was leading them toward an obscure, semi-hidden village, where Twilight hoped to complete her extensive research on the subject of poison joke.

“Hey!” Rainbow Dash called, waved her hoof to get Ziah’s attention. “Are we there yet?”

The zebra paused to glance back at the cyan pegasus. “The village we have almost reached; I hope this is the answer for which you’ve beseeched.”

Rainbow just nodded before dropping back to chat with Fluttershy, who walked at the tail end of the group.

***

“My,” Celestia said. “You’ve been very well behaved so far.” She studied the board. “That rhyme was a mite clunky, though.”

“Yes, yes, whatever,” Discord muttered, absently juggling miniature models of the Mane Six. “Can we get on with it?”

Celestia raised an eyebrow at her opponent’s eagerness, but didn’t object.

She returned her attention to the game.

***

Twilight dodged yet another whiplash-ing branch and glared in irritation at the earth pony just ahead of her.

“Applejack! Would you stop letting branches fly back to hit me in the face!”

“Sorry, Twi,” Applejack called, looking back over her shoulder even as she kept walking. “Ah didn’t mean to.”

“I know,” Twilight answered.

As Applejack turned back around, a branch loomed up suddenly in front of her, smacking her directly in the face.

Twilight’s heart almost stopped—not because of the dark bruise rapidly forming on her friend’s face, but because of the familiar teal-blue flowers adorning the branch. Poison joke! Oh sweet Celestia, not again—

Applejack raised her head, wincing as she reached up to feel the bruise on her face. “Ow… what happened?”

“What kind of poison joke is that?” Twilight demanded at the same time, hurrying forward to come face-to-face with Ziah. “Will it have any ill effects?”

“That form of joke is a rare variety, not really worthy of such deep anxiety,” the zebra replied. “This strain chooses its victims at will; those who will touch it are in for a thrill. Your friend may be infected, but then she may not; Applejack’s chances aren’t truly a lot.”

“Oh,” Twilight said. “Well, that’s a relief. Do you feel okay, Applejack?”

“Uh—yeah,” the earth pony mare answered. “Ah feel just fine, thank you.”

Twilight cocked her head. “Um… okay.”

Slowly the train of six ponies and a zebra continued on.

As they went, Twilight began to hear cal-calla birds chirping in the branches overhead. Only… wait a second. That’s definitely a cal-calla call, but cal-calla birds have more deeper voices… so it’s one half cal-calla call and one half non-cal-calla call. She paused for a moment. Oh… now my brain hurts.

“Applejack?” Twilight said.

“What?” Applejack answered, not looking back at her.

“Do you hear something—like a cal-calla bird calling, for instance?”

“Nope!” Applejack declared emphatically. Twilight frowned. Odd. She should’ve at least heard something…

Twilight’s thoughts were rudely interrupted by a zebra swinging down into their path on a vine, chattering frenetically at Ziah in Zebrian.

The group froze as Zebrian warriors swung down and surrounded them. Twilight gulped as four of the warriors levelled spears at her, daring her to try anything with her horn.

They were trapped.

***

Discord grinned with glee as Celestia grimly studied the chessboard.

“Remember our agreement, Tia!” he said in a singsong voice. With a snap of his fingers, musical notes drifted out of his mouth to accompany the words.

“What agreement?” Celestia asked, hoping to stall for time.

“You know,” Discord said. “For every game I win, you create one alternate universe to my specifications.”

“Oh, yes. That,” Celestia said. “Well, I wouldn’t get too cocky.” She advanced a piece. “After all, you haven’t won yet.”

***

“Cut!”

A stocky grey earth pony stallion strode out from behind a camouflaged bunker. Instantly every pony on the elaborate jungle set fell into far more relaxed positions.

“What’s wrong?” Twilight asked. “Please don’t tell me we have to do the scene again!" After all, filming for the most recent episode of the hit television series HARMONY was almost finished. As Twilight wanted now was finish filming so she and her friends could head back to Ponyville.

“No, no, most of it’s fine,” the director said. “It’s just—Rainbow Dash! You look too bored. Try to give off more of a ‘terrified’ vibe.”

“But this is boring!” Rainbow complained. “I could K.O. all of these goons in ten seconds flat!”

“Undoubtedly, but you’re not going to, so try to stick with the script.” The director retreated back behind his bunker. “Now, from Applejack’s last line… and, action!”

***

Discord stared dumbfounded at the chessboard, unable to hide his confusion.

“What… was… that?”

“That was the Hail Mare-y maneuver,” Celestia explained, with a pleased grin. “It’s rather new—I’m not surprised you hadn’t heard of it.”

“Hmph.”

“Shall we go again?”

“’Guess so.”

“Very well. Fisher Random, again?”

“No.”

Celestia just smiled. “Fine. But I move first this time.”

Discord sat up and scrutinized the princess as she advanced her first piece.

Chapter Four

“…So then the captain says, ‘Why not use the castle?’”

Twilight Sparkle grinned as Flash Sentry concluded his brief anecdote.

“That was really nice of Shining Armor,” she said. “Our first date, and we’re already touring Canterlot castle!”

“I think he just wanted to keep an eye on us—but yeah, it is pretty nice here,” Flash Sentry said. “The, um, architecture is nice…”

“And all the history!” Twilight darted over to one of the doorways set in the hallway and peered in. “So many historical figures have walked these halls—so many of my heroes!”

“Didn’t you grow up here?” Flash asked as he followed behind her.

“Well, yes,” Twilight answered, “but I spent most of my time in the east wing, where all the living quarters are. And then later Celestia gave me the Ivory Tower for my studies. I really haven’t been to the west wing much.”

They continued their walk in silence for several minutes.

“Say,” Flash Sentry said, peering into one of the rooms. “Have you ever played chess?”

“Have I!” Twilight declared, her eyes lighting up. “I love it. I was undefeated at school. Do you play?”

“Old Captain Stormwing made us play it to practice strategy, back in the Academy,” Flash replied. “I was undefeated, too.”

Twilight peaked around her coltfriend and into the wide, deserted room. The only thing inside seemed to be the plain black-and-white chess set that sat on a table.

“Well, then. Shall we have a game?”

“Of course.”

The two trotted into the room and sat down on either side of the table. Flash insisted that Twilight take the white side.

When they were all settled, Twilight grinned at her date and advanced her first piece.

***

“Pegasi, attack!”

A wave of heavily armed pegasi swept down from a forward cloud bank. At their head was a sturdily built pegasus mare, with a cobalt grey coat and tri-color mane and tail.

“Catapults, fire!”

The grey pegasus mare rolled to the side as a rather large apple pie rocketed past her. She then tucked in her wings and went in for a steep dive, landing near the earth pony commander.

“You won’t get away with this, dirt pony,” the pegasus growled, unsheathing her long-bladed spatha. “This territory belongs to the pegasi!”

“Shut up, Hurricane,” was the dark-maned earth pony’s only reply.

Commander Hurricane shook her mane and launched herself into the air, preparing to bring her sword down directly onto her
enemy’s back. But the earth pony just dodged, and then rewarded Hurricane with a cupcake to the face.

***

“Argh!” Twilight growled as Flash Sentry used a pawn—a mere pawn!—to conquer one of her knights.

“Having trouble?” Flash teased. Twilight narrowed her eyes.

“Alright, well—take this!” She moved her bishop forward, neatly eliminating Flash Sentry’s rook.

***

Commander Hurricane flinched as a pegasus spiraled to the ground, mortally wounded. A moment later she recognized her lieutenant, Lightning Scar.

“No,” the commander whispered, through grit teeth. Then she screamed it, and then she was blindly charging the enemy, her spatha fully extended.

She dodged several arrows, and several more assorted baked goods. More than one of the projectiles grazed her silver-and-navy-and-blood red mane. But Hurricane was focused solely on the earth pony who had killed her lieutenant.

***

Flash Sentry had never seen Twilight Sparkle so focused. Admittedly, he hadn’t known her for very long, but still—she hadn’t taken her eyes off of the board since he had killed her knight. She stared at the pieces with the utmost intensity, moving one piece after the other with her magic.

“Ah, Twilight?”

There was no answer. Flash cocked his head and waited for a moment, but Twilight hardly moved after the advancement of her next piece.

“Twilight?”

Still, no answer.

“Twilight.”

Silence.

“Twilight!”

Finally, the alicorn’s head snapped up. “What?”

Flash Sentry grinned. “Check. Also, my bishop, there, should probably block your queen’s next attack.”

Slowly, menacingly, Twilight narrowed her eyes at the board…

***

Hurricane growled as a squad of muscular earth ponies appeared in front of her, blocking the way through to Captain Hazel. She reared up on her hind legs and burst forward, cleanly killing one of the earth ponies with her spatha. As soon as she did, three others moved in, surrounding her.

Hurricane gave a mighty roar of rage and tore into her enemies. She was dimly aware of pain, and weariness weighing down her limbs, but she was too angry and desperate to give up now. It what seemed no time at all, she had made it through the earth ponies and was standing before Captain Hazel, her nemesis.

***

Twilight and Flash Sentry stared at the chessboard as if in a trance. A rapid battle had destroyed nearly all of their forces; the sides of the table were lined with captured pieces. Twilight had but a queen and a knight left to defend her king, while Flash had only a rook. Twilight was breathing hard, and Flash was barely breathing at all.

Then the two players looked up and simultaneously scowled at each other. A single shared thought was crystal-clear on their faces.

It. Is. On.

***

Hurricane screamed something indistinct as she charged her foe. An axe appeared in Hazel’s mouth and she parried the spatha strike. Hurricane struck again, and again Hazel parried. Then it was Hazel’s turn to strike. Hurricane parried, but her weapon was the lighter one, and in this split-second case the weaker one. Hurricane was pushed back, and the axe nicked her side, causing a small but painful wound.

Hurricane growled and pushed forward again. Hazel swung hard with her axe; this time Hurricane dodged and returned the blow. Hazel only just barely dodged in time, and Hurricane silently smirked. Thank the goddess Olive for dirt pony reflexes.

Hazel only growled and lunged forward with a powerful overhead strike. Hurricane tried to parry, only to have a deep notch cleaved into her spatha, nearly cutting it in half.

With a snarl Hurricane discarded the blade and charged forward with her bare hooves.

***

Having lost her knight, Twilight scowled at the board, deep in thought. Can’t lose… can’t lose… I need a weakness! She moved her queen to a position diagonal to Flash’s rook. It was more a bid for time than anything, but she also needed Flash to move his rook.

Flash seemed to anticipate her, and moved the rook so that it was on the verge of attacking her queen. Twilight hissed as she tried to decide what to do.

***

Hurricane hop-skipped to the side as Hazel struck at her yet again. Running out of time… I’m running out of time! Hurricane dodged to the side again, barely missing Hazel’s back hooves.

The pegasus commander was struck with sudden inspiration.

Hurricane carefully dodged the earth pony’s next few blows. Each movement brought her closer to the position she needed.

Finally she was in position. As Hazel was recoiling, readying for another strike, Hurricane spun, put her front hooves to the ground, and in one movement bucked Hazel squarely in the face.

It was a killing blow.

***

Twilight stared disbelievingly at the board, at Flash Sentry’s triumphant rook and her own toppled king.

Then she looked up at Flash, and grinned.

“That was great!” she exclaimed. “Go again?”

Flash smiled. “Sure—”

“Twilight?”

The alicorn and the pegasus looked up to see Princess Celestia walking into the room, a rather odd expression on her face. Twilight immediately shot to her hooves.

“Princess! Hi!”

“Hello… Twilight. Hello, Flash.” Celestia paused, almost awkwardly. “What are you doing in here?”

“Well, we were—um—on our date—Shining Armor said we could tour the castle—and we saw the chessboard, and, um, since we both like chess we figured we’d have a game… is that okay?” Twilight finished.

“Yes… yes, that’s… fine.” The chessboard glowed golden as Celestia arranged the pieces into their original position. “Well, run along you two. There’s plenty more of the west wing to see.”

“Of course.” Flash and Twilight hurried out of the hall, leaving the Princess on her own next to the board.

Princess Celestia remained where she was for quite a while after the two had left. She stared at the board, deep in thought, rarely so much as twitching.

Finally she smiled. Then she laughed.

“Oh, Twilight,” she said to herself. “You can’t do that to me. I’m getting too old.” Then she stood and left the room.

In the silence, the plain marble set glimmered in the last light of sunset.

Author's Note

Happy April Fool's Day!