It was a fairly normal day in Canterlot. Most ponies didn’t pay any attention the shadow passing overhead as they assumed it was a cloud. At least, that’s what they thought until they heard the music.
“Oh, you’d better get ready to dance all day
to the hoof-tapping rhythm of a four-beat bar
‘cuz the Pentatonic Pirates are here to stay,
the most musical pirates in the air by far!
We sail the skies searching for our niche
where the ponies adore us and the sun is bright
as we sing our songs with our perfect pitch
till the livelong day turns to livelong night.
So we’ve set our sights on Canterlot
which seems to us the perfect spot
to give our piratey songs a shot
to see if you ponies like what we’ve got.”
Many ponies stopped in the streets, gaping upwards as they realized the shadow was cast by an airship. But it was no ordinary airship. It was a pirate airship! Instantly panic erupted everywhere the pirate ship sailed. Ponies rioted in the streets practically trampling each other in their aimless frenzy.
“We’re doomed!” they screamed. “Pirates have come to destroy our city! Run for your lives!” And so they did. Ponies ran to and fro, and from the pirates’ eye in the sky it appeared as a swirling sea of rainbow as the multicolored citizens of Canterlot scuttled around in circles. The panicked civilians, however, did not have much experience fleeing the city since not a whole lot of exciting things tend to happen in Canterlot, so they didn’t do a very good job of it. Most of them couldn’t find their way to the gates and they just kept sprinting blindly through the streets.
But then something magical happened. And it wasn’t just magical in the sense that it was really amazing and fantastic. It was literally magical, since it involved a unicorn doing magic. Said unicorn was in fact a pirate on the pirate ship, and he leaned over the side of his ship to address the multicolored blobs far below him. Using his horn to amplify his voice, he began to sing a fantastically comforting and soothing tune which echoed its beauty across the whole city and
brought the chaos to a standstill.
“Fear not, my little pony friends,
for we are here to make amends
and put right what our years of buccaneering have put wrong.”
He ended on a long and sweet note, then took a breath and smiled. The harmonious voices of his crew humming chords began to drift down upon the city, blanketing it in peace and calm.
“I know, that though you fear me
and my crew of loyal thieves,
we bring no sort of danger
and no cause for you to grieve.
We only want to sing to you our song.”
Here the unicorn paused again. His crew’s humming crescendoed and adopted a more cheerful tone. One pony, a bass, pronounced the classic “ba dum bum bum” right before the unicorn started singing again in a much happier mood.
“We are the Pentatonic Pirates
and we bring songs from above.
We’re not here to loot your booty.
We’re just here you earn your love!
Come join us in the castle,
where we’ll pledge our loyalty
to the ponies of this city
and its ruling royalty!
Why don’t you have a listen?
Come, all! Come, young and old!
I’m sure you’ll find some fun
in the stories we’ll have told.”
With that the unicorn stepped back from the edge, disappearing from view. The thunderous sound of thousands of ponies stamping their hooves in applause proved to be even louder than the pandemonium that had occurred only minutes earlier.
“Port thirty degrees!” he shouted to his crew in a suddenly gruff and commanding voice. “Head straight for the castle!”
“Aye aye!” resounded his crew as the ship aimed towards the home of the princesses.
* * *
Celestia sat upon her throne, considering what a normal day it was. A few ponies had been in to see her about various business. Some wanted permits to sell their goods in the market. Others wanted to buy houses or farmland. One pony brought a newborn foal to receive Celestia’s blessing, which she gladly gave. Nothing particularly exciting had happened, which was not bad at all! Celestia was grateful for these lackluster hours she spent in the throne room. The countless years of her life had given her godlike amounts of patience, and the days where nothing exciting happened provided a nice contrast to the rare, brief periods of intense action.
It seemed, however, that this normal day would not be content to stay normal.
The princess’s quiet contemplation was disrupted by the sound of chaos breaking out in the city. Before she even had a chance to investigate a guard burst in through the main gate crying, “Your highness!” He hastily bowed. “Sky pirates are attacking the city! And it looks like they’re headed this way!” he noticed, glancing out the window.
Celestia frowned. She had been looking forward to the rest of her normal day, but apparently it was not meant to be.
“Prepare the cannons,” she said in her most commanding voice. “And fire a warning shot as soon as possible.”
Instead of rushing off to obey, the guard shuffled his hooves and looked down in embarrassment. “We can’t, your majesty.”
“Why not?”
“Princess Luna ordered the cannons dismantled once she heard rumors of you using them to banish ponies to the moon.”
“What!?!” This was the first time Celestia had even heard of such a thing. She had, of course, never shot a pony to the moon out of a cannon. “That’s ridiculous!”
“I’m sorry, princess. It was an order.”
Moderately agitated, the Celestia assented, “Well it’s not-- what’s happening?”
Both ponies suddenly became aware that the rioting outside had ceased and been replaced with what sounded like applause. With their attention drawn to the window, they also realized that it was too late to do anything about the approaching airship because it had already arrived.
A cheerful-looking pegasus on the ship threw a rope around an ornamental tower near the window, anchoring the airship in place. Then an inflatable slide unrolled from the side of the ship and ended in the window, giving the pirates a way in.
The first pony to enter on the slide, gruffly cheering “woohoo!” was a large unicorn stallion with an impressive beard from which shells and wind chimes dangled, clacking musically every time he moved his head. “Ahoy, there!” he greeted the princess with a casual salute as soon as he hopped off the end of the slide.
Upon the unicorn’s entrance, Celestia suddenly rose out of her throne in surprise. “Songbeard?” she blurted, her surprise fading into a broad smile as she made her way across the room to shake his hoof. “It has been far too long.”
“Well, you know us Pentatonic Pirates,” he winked. “We aren’t ones to visit old landmarks when there’re still new places to be explored. Let me introduce you to my new crew.” One by one, the ponies on the ship slid through the window and landed beside their captain. “This here’s Major.”
“Oh my! I can’t believe I finally get to meet you!” jabbered the happy-looking pegasus mare who rushed forward to bow before the princess. “It is such an honor!” she squeed.
“Then there’s Minor.”
A sullen pegasus, almost identical to Major but with a blue coat instead of orange simply nodded her head at the princess, not even dragging her eyes from the ground. “Hello,” she grunted.
“Next comes Staccato! I’m sure you remember him.”
A tall, skinny earth stallion stumbled down the slide. “N-N-Nice to meet you a-again!” he stammered, reaching out with a peg leg to give Celestia’s hoof a quick and energetic shake. As he stepped back to his crew Celestia observed that while the stallion appeared at first to have four peg legs, they were just pretend and his real legs were tucked away under his belly.
“And watch out for Sharp!”
A tough-looking unicorn mare made her way carefully down the slide. “‘Sup?” she greeted. “I’ll spare ya the hoofshake,” she laughed. “Wouldn’t want to poke ya,” she explained, showing off the hook she wore on her right hoof.
“And last but not least, we have our newest addition--”
In one great bound a blur of pink appeared at the end of the slide. “Hey there, Princess!”
“Pinkie Pie!?!” Celestia exclaimed. Despite the pony’s eyepatch and bandana, Celestia was familiar enough with Twilight’s friends to recognize the energetic mare.
Songbeard cleared his throat apologetically. “Actually, she prefers to go by the name ‘Pinkie Pie, Pentatonic Pirate Extraordinaire And Also Gummy’.” It was then that Celestia noticed Pinkie’s toothless alligator perched upon her back. The reptile wore a parrot beak tied to his head with a string.
“Oh! My apologies, Pinkie Pie, Pentatonic Pirate Extraordinaire And Also Gummy. I was simply surprised to see you.”
“It’s alright,” Pinkie replied innocently. “But if it happens again I’ll have to pirate you so hard that you’ll never forget it,” she growled, suddenly much more menacing. She very quickly switched back to her ordinary bubbly self.
“Whoa, there, 4PE double AG,” Songbeard asserted disarmingly. “Let’s not threaten any royalty. Or any ponies at all for that matter.”
“Good idea,” agreed Celestia’s guard, aggressively. He still wasn’t sure why these pirates were allowed in the palace.
“Yessirree, Bob, Cap’n!” the pink pony answered, jumping into line with the rest of the crew.
“It looks like you have a magnificent crew, captain,” the princess smiled. Songbeard glowed with pride and his musical facial hair let out a short, sweet melody. “But what brings you back to Canterlot after all these years?”
“Oh, just figured we’d come back here fer old times’ sake.” His eyes shifted suspiciously as he spoke. “Like you said, it’s been too long.”
“P-P-P-Plus we w-w-wanted to m-make sure we ha-haven’t been f-f-f-forgotten,” Staccato added haltingly.
“We figured we could put on a little show to remind these ponies why nopony’s better than the Pentatonic Pirates,” Sharp smirked.
“Ah! I’m so excited!” Major flitted around the room, unable to contain her excitement. “They’re going to be here any minute!”
“Who is?” asked Celestia, looking to the sky for any sign of more pirates.
Songbeard laughed heartily. “Well, assuming I haven’t lost my touch… everypony!”
Pinkie Pie suddenly butted up into Celestia’s face. “Oh my gosh! Did you hear the cap’n singing? He invited everyone in Canterlot up to the castle to watch us perform. His voice is sooooo amazing!!!”
Celestia casually took a step back as she spoke, leaving Pinkie Pie teetering on her front hoovesd. “You’re right, then, Major. If Songbeard’s voice is as impressive as it once was, they’ll be here any minute. We’d best start preparing. Lance,” she commanded the guard, “get some of the staff to help you retrieve the portable stage from auxiliar--”
“There’s no need for that.” Pinkie cut off the princess with a wave of her hoof. “I’ve got everything we need.” She zipped up the slide and disappeared onto the ship.
Minor breathed a sigh of relief and Celestia noticed that the band of pirates as a whole grew more relaxed.
“Check this out!” screamed Pinkie, rocketing back in through the window. With her she brought a large pink box which leaked streamers and confetti as she shoved it across the floor.
“You might want to cover your eyes,” moaned minor, shielding herself with her wings.
But Celestia’s curiosity get the better of her and she was determined to watch whatever Pinkie Pie was about to do. Once she reached the middle of the room, the pink mare flipped a switch on the box from “Don’t explode” to “Explode”. Surprisingly enough, the box exploded.
In a blinding flash of rainbow light the room filled with what could hardly be described as anything but a cloud of confetti. When the confetti fog finally cleared, the princess could think of only one word to characterize the sight before her: Pink.
A stage had appeared where the box had been. It was coated in layers of obtrusive pink paint that was almost painful to look at when the light caught it. Pink balloons were tide to each corner, and the far side supported a pink backdrop with a drawing of a pink pirate ship sailing in a pink sky, dotted with cotton candy pink clouds. Literally every inch of the stage and its decorations were various shades of pink.
“Do you like it?” the earth pony asked excitedly. “It’s stagy, but not clingy. Shimmery, and extra showy!” she explained, mimicking Rarity’s dialect then snorting with laughter.
“It’s very… impressive,” Celestia diplomatically replied. She managed to tear her eyes away from the pink monstrosity of a stage before her and examine the rest of the crew. They all wore what were meant to be proud smiles, but Celestia could plainly see the looks of disgust they were trying to hide.
“Thanks! I made it myself!” Pinkie chirped.
“As if she couldn’t tell,” muttered Minor. Pinkie’s cheerful demeanor vaporized instantly and she tore across the room, pressing her forehead against Minor’s.
“What was that?” she snarled through gritted teeth. Celestia noticed Songbeard gulp.
Major pushed her way in between Pinkie and Minor. “She didn’t say anything,” Major laughed nervously. Right Minor?”
“Right,” came the sighing reply.
“I didn’t think so,” Pinkie threatened, backing off slowly while glaring at Minor.
Suddenly the entire building shook and the main gates bowed inwards indicating a tremendous force was pushing against it from the outside. In a split second the doors burst open and a sea of crazed ponies poured into the room, galloping at full sprint towards the group of ponies gathered near the window.
“Oh, that’s our cue!” cheered Pinkie, immediately switching back to her usual self. “Everypony to the stage!” she cried, hopping over to her pink eyesore. The rest of Songbeard’s crew followed her, their faces expressing some reluctance as they left their captain.
The wave of fans changed course towards the stage and they swept past Celestia and Songbeard, who had not gone with the rest of the group. The pirate captain hurriedly pulled Celestia aside, a look a panic upon his face. “Please, Celestia! You’ve got to help me!”
“Of course,” she answered curiously. “What do you need?”
“I need you to get rid of Pinkie Pie,” he glanced over Celestia, checking to make sure the pink pony had not yet noticed he wasn’t following her to the stage. “I don’t care how you do it. I just need you to distract her long enough for me to gather up my crew and sail far, far away where she’ll never be able to find us,” he explained frantically. “I don’t have time to explain, but please trust me on this. You don’t know what she’s capable of,” he shuddered.
“I give you my word,” Celestia smiled understandingly. An amazing change came over the captain when he heard her reply. His every feature seemed to glow with relief.
“Oh, thank the stars!” he cried. Then another cautious glance showed him that his crew was mounting the stage just as the adoring fans piled up around it. “Looks like it’s showtime.”
He quickly galloped over to his crew, using the crowd as a makeshift staircase to get on the stage. He apologized as he stepped on a few ponies’ heads, but they didn’t seem to mind much. They seemed more excited about the fact that Songbeard had touched them with his very own hoof. Luckily as he joined the rest of the singers onstage Pinkie didn’t pay any mind to his slightly delayed arrival.
Celestia lost herself deep in thought for a moment, then turned her attention away from the performers to whisper into Lance’s ear.
“Yes, your highness. We’ll have it ready within the hour.” He bowed and galloped out of sight behind the throne where a small door accessed the staff’s quarters. When the princess looked again at the stage the pirates were all in a line, except for Staccato, who handled everything backstage and didn’t actually perform.
“Attention, ye scurvy dogs!” Songbeard belloowed, silencing the crowd and drawing every eye in the room to him. “I hope yer ready ta have yer timbers shiverred, ‘cuz we arrrr the Pentatonic Pirates, and we’re not here ta pillage and plunder. We’re not here ta kidnap yer fairest maidens. No… we’re here ta sing!” As the last word flew out of his mouth, his voice drastically changed from that of a gruff pirate to the crystal clear voice of a professional singer. Many young mares in the audience swooned, and the ponies still standing erupted into uproarious applause.
Songbeard smiled at the crowd, then stepped back into line and gestured to Sharp. The young unicorn mare waited for the crowd to quiet down, then blew on the tip of her hook, producing a perfect pitch for the singers to use as reference. As the note died away, a hushed silence fell over the expectant audience.
“Watch out, here come the pirates!” cried Minor in a stage whisper.
“Pirates!?!” Major replied. “This can’t be good!”
Sharp covered her mouth and screamed, making it sound like it had come from far away. All the ponies on stage started stamping in place to reproduce the sounds of a stampede. Songbeard, Major, Minor, Sharp, and Pinkie started making indistinct panicked noises as if they were a crowd of ponies trying to escape the city. The sound of the stampede grew louder and louder, as did their voices until they reached a frenzied fortissimo. Suddenly Pinkie cried, “Pirates!!! Run for your liiiiives!” and the instant she paused to draw a breath, everypony froze and the stage fell silent. Then, with well-practiced timing, the quintet broke into perfect harmony.
“Wait!
Now wait just a minute.
Hate!
Will not be permitted.
Fate!
Has left us acquitted.
Great!
Now let’s take it to the limit!”
Staccato used his equipment to flash bright lights at the start of each line, making them brighter as the song’s intensity rose. The rest of the singers switched to backup as Minor stepped forward and began a solo in a voice that was surprisingly deep for a mare.
“Ponies fear us everywhere,
but you know that ain’t fair.
We just want to show we care
and hope you’ll love us.
So we soar through the air,
singing from here to there.
With a song and a prayer,
we hope you’ll love us.”
She stepped back and everypony broke into chorus once more.
“Wait!
Now wait just a minute.
Hate!
Will not be permitted.
Fate!
Has left us acquitted.
Great!
Now let’s take it to the limit!”
This time Major stepped forward and sang her solo in alto.
“Frozen North. Everfree.
Underneath the Eastern Sea.
Badlands of the Evil Queen.
That’s where we’ll be.
On an exploration spree
in three sixty degrees.
Anyplace that’s yet unseen.
That’s where we’ll be.”
To change things up a bit, the next chorus consisted of just Songbeard and Sharp singing the words in bass and tenor while everypony else hummed along.
“Wait!
Now wait just a minute.
Hate!
Will not be permitted.
Fate!
Has left us acquitted.
Great!
Now let’s take it to the limit!”
Then they carried on in the same style for the next verse with Songbeard and Sharp continuing their duet.
“We quit our pirate ways
when we were led astray.
We threw our swords away
and music was here to stay!
As the sun rose that day
we knew we’d be okay
and we’re happy to say.
the music’s here to stay!”
During the final chorus the ponies danced on stage, lurching forwards every time the lights flashed, bringing them closer to the audience.
“Wait!
Now wait just a minute.
Hate!
Will not be permitted.
Fate!
Has left us acquitted.
Great!
Now let’s take it to the limit!”
At last it was Pinkie Pie’s turn to solo. She burst forth in gleeful soprano.
“Now these pirates are pink
and my pet parrot thinks
they need party piñatas
for the alliteration!”
Suddenly piñatas appeared on stage, dangling over the singers. Everyone except Pinkie Pie wondered where they had come from.
“And then some popcorn pixies
brought out our puzzled pasta,
because why bother rhyming
when there’s alliteration?”
Small fairy-like creatures apparently made out of popcorn drifted onstage carrying bowls of spaghetti with puzzle pieces scattered on top. Celestia could tell from the concerned look on the performers’ faces that they hadn’t expected any of this. Pinkie Pie was improvising, apparently.
“Pythons eat pickle pulp,
and poetic protegees
put off their pure rhythm
to fit alliteration.”
Snakes with their heads stuffed in pickle jars started slithering through the audience and a few ponies cried out in shock while others had not yet noticed. Songbeard noticed and feared things were getting out of hoof, so he discreetly signalled to the rest of the singers with a wave of his hoof that it was time to cut Pinkie off.
“Wait!” they erupted in triumphant unison, drawing their first song to a close. Pinkie Pie looked slightly hurt as she was apparently not yet finished, but for the sake of the audience she smiled and bowed as if everything were alright. The crowd went wild, screaming and whistling, astounded by the talent of the musical pirates. A few guards pushed their way through the applauding ponies to find and remove the pythons before they caused any panic.
“Thank you! Thank you!” cried Songbeard. “That was our first song, called ‘Pentatonic Pirates’. It was the first song we ever performed and we’ve started every show with it since. Next up we’ve got a bit of a slower piece, called ‘The Edge of the World’.”
And so the pirates began the next song, which Celestia was also familiar with. The Pentatonic Pirates had performed several times in Canterlot over the years, and she had attended every one. Though the band members changed and they occasionally came out with new songs, there were always two constants: Songbeard had been the director and ‘captain’ since the beginning, and the quality of their music was unrivalled throughout Equestria.
Their concert continued through several more songs, some old, some new, and it seemed as if there was no limit to the crowd’s excitement. It just grew and grew! Celestia, however, was distracted by thoughts of the favor Songbeard had asked her. At first she wasn’t entirely sure she’d made the right decision to help him. Pinkie Pie was, after all, an Element of Harmony and an apparently loyal subject. But as the show progressed various incidents similar to Pinkie’s solo in the first song convinced the princess that Pinkie Pie was not only a hinderance to the group but a danger as well. One particular incident involved Pinkie throwing jackhammers into the audience. Celestia narrowly avoided one of them by catching it with her magic before it slammed into her face.
Finally Celestia noticed Lance signalling her from behind the stage. She navigated her way around the crowd and joined her guard backstage with Staccato. “Has Lance told you the plan?” she questioned the peg-legged unicorn.
“Y-Y-Yes, h-he has,” came the clumsy reply.
“Any questions?”
“N-no ma’am,” answered Staccato, eyeing the tall object with a sheet thrown over it which Lance had delivered to him just a minute earlier.
“Alright. On my count,” declared the princess. “Three...”
Onstage, Pinkie could be heard wrapping up another solo. This one had proved to be a little more structured.
“From the dusk until the daaaaawwwwwn…”
“Two...”
“The shoooooowwww...”
“One...”
“goooeees...”
“Now!” Celestia burst through the curtains in a flurry of pink fabric. The grasped the singing pony in her magical force field and dragged her backstage. Lance tore the sheet away from the mysterious object, revealing a reconstructed castle cannon. The princess dropped the pink pony into its upward-facing barrel and Staccato swiftly kicked it causing it to tilt and aim out the window where the moon could just barely be seen peeking over the land’s horizon. A peg-leg forced down the button labelled ‘fire’ and a deafening explosion rang through the throne room. Soon Pinkie Pie was a mere pink speck in the sky travelling towards the moon. Her voice carried through the window as she faded into the distance.
“ooooooooooooooonnnnn!” And so Pinkie Pie finished her solo.
The audience went silent with shock. One second they’d been enjoying Pinkie’s solo, and the next she was out the window on her way to the moon. They weren’t sure how they should respond.
Songbeard was the first pony in the room to recover. “Get back on the ship!” he shouted to his crew. They shook themselves out of their stupor and galloped back on board in a daze. They could hardly believe what had just happened.
The captain waited a second to join his crew to talk to Celestia. “Thank you! Thank you so much!” he cried. “You have done us, and all of Equestria, a tremendous service. We are forever in your debt.” And before Celestia could even answer he had clambered aboard and retracted the inflatable slide. “That way!” he commanded frantically, gesturing in the exact opposite direction of the moon. “Get us as far away from her as possible, and then keep going!”
Sharp cut the rope holding them in place and the rest of the crew prepared the ship to sail. Before long the wind carried them away from the window and out of Celestia’s sight.
Neither the Pentatonic Pirates nor Pinkie Pie were ever seen in Equestria ever again.
The End
* * *
“And that, children,” explained Cheerilee, closing the storybook, “is why you never ever want to make Princess Celestia angry at you.”
Author's Note
I wrote this for the Equestria Daily Writer's Training Ground #008. The prompt was "A new singing group has taken over Canterlot! Unfortunately one of their members is causing all sorts of trouble!" and I think for once I actually stayed completely true to the prompt!
Now the next step is to write a story about Pinkie Pie were she isn't completely ridiculous and unlikable. I'll get there someday. Baby steps.
Thanks for reading! I hope you liked it. My apologies to any Pinkie Pie fans out there. Honestly, I don't hate her! I'm just really bad at writing about her. Sorry!
