Be the frustrated Outer God

You are now the frustrated Outer God, and you are far TOO frustrated to go through the usual gags so you make your name known right away. You are--

SHITPIECE MUSCLECRAMP ✗

No! That is so outrageously wrong on so many levels. Try again for fuck's sake.

SHABBITH-KA ✓

Yeah, that's much better. Thank you so very fucking much.

Your name is Shabbith-Ka, and you are standing before an audience of thirty-four individuals, thirty-three of whom don't seem too keen on the only “male” cherub of the group. Cherubs don't have separate sexes, but when exposed to cultures that do they always assign the hateful half of the shared body the male gender and the caring half the female gender. You know exactly why this is, being an Outer God filled with much profound knowledge. This knowledge which you possess on the subject of cherubs is not profound at all, and is in fact completely fucktarded. You wish you didn't bear the burden of this information, but cherubs are entirely your responsibility. You are kind of a big deal.

DAVE: no

DAVE: we don't want him take him back

CALIBORN: FuCK YOu TOO. STRIDER.

KARKAT: GODDAMMIT WHAT THE FUCK!? WHY THE HELL IS THIS GREEN SHITSTAIN OUR PROBLEM NOW?

KARKAT: IS THIS OUR REWARD FOR KILLING HIS ADULT SELF?

KARKAT: NOW WE HAVE TO WATCH OUT FOR BABY ENGLISH FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES?

CALLIOPE: i'm a little confUsed myself. why do we have to go with them? i'm glad that i get to, bUt i jUst don't Understand the logic here.

SHABBITH-KA⋮ As I ha~e explained≋ it is impareti~e that the cherub race continue to ha~e a presence in all uni~erses≋

SHABBITH-KA⋮ It's all ~ery pedestrian≋ trust me≋

SHABBITH-KA⋮ Since cherubs are my responsibility I'd appreciate it if none of you fucked me on this okay≋ therefore≋ to pro~e that I am being cooperati~e and helpful≋ I will be limiting Caliborn's ability to be a raging murderous douche through complicated Outer God Majyyks≋

SHABBITH-KA: You're fucking welcome≋

DIRK: Dude, isn't Calliope enough? Why do we need her annoying bro, who I'm totally chill with keeping in line anyway but still. Can't you just get another cherub up in here for her to mate with?

CALLIOPE: wait, i have to pail this asshole!?

CALIBORN: NO. *FuCKING* WAY. I AM NOW IN FuLL AGREEMENT WITH THE INSuFFERABLE PRICKS AND TOTAL BITCHES WHO HATE ME. THIS. IS A FuCKING. TERRIBLE PLAN. TO END ALL TERRIBLE PLANS. uP YOuRS. SHABBY-WHATEVER-THE-FuCK-YOuR-NAME-IS.

KANAYA: I Dont Understand Why Were All Alive Now Let Alone Why We Have To Bother With Your Insane Ships Mister Magic God Of The Furthest Ring

KANAYA: Just Let Us Make Our Own Pailing Decisions For Fucks Sake

ROXY: coulndt cally liek, just up and rprduct w/hersefl ore somthin?

ROXY: *callie

ROXY: i mean like an aternet here or wutever.

ROXY: *alternate *her

ERIDAN: are you seriously suggestin that she pails her cod damn self

ERIDAN: wwhat the fuck rox

CALLIOPE: as distUrbing that idea is to contemplate, i find it mUch less off-pUtting than coUpling with my brother.

CALLIOPE: i hate him plenty by now bUt that doesn't really matter i think? u_u …i mean, kismesissitUde has lost its appeal after all this fighting and death.

ERIDAN: youvve gotta be fuckin kiddin me ovver here!

CRONUS: yo dancestor dude.

CRONUS: 8UG OFF HER 8ULGE!

CRONUS: if she vwants to pail herself then i say let her. sounds hot as fuck to me.

DAVESPRITE: totes, bro

DAVESPRITE: i second this radical motion

LATULA: oh m4n! you h4v3 to b3 th3 r4dd3st spr1t3 3v3r!

SHABBITH-KA⋮ What the fuck≋ No≋ Sprites aren't supposed to be here, where did you e~en come from≋ Get the hell out of here≋

DAVE: up yours mesprite is the bomb

DAVESPRITE: hell yes

DAVE: he should totally get to stay

GAMZEE: it warms my motherfucking vascular pump that we all up and got another motherfucker up in here

GAMZEE: WARMS IT SO MOTHER FUCKING HARD ALL UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN MOTHE--

You quickly interrupt this bullshit by preemptively hitting Gamzee's thinkpan with a spell you prepared to keep his murderous juggalo ass under control. While you're at it you go ahead and hit Caliborn with that mysterious restrictor spell you mentioned and nudge Kurloz's thinkpan just a bit. There. Problem solved. You should probably put an early end to any mind-control shenanigans from the Serkets too. You throw into the minds of all thirty-five currently present individuals some forbidden knowledge on psychic defenses. You'd just make it simple and strip the Serkets and the Peixes(es???≋) of those abilities of theirs altogether, but you seem to actually like those girls a little for some reason? Whatever. Moving on. Terezi Pyrope is now sniffing slightly-crazier-than-other-Makara-Makara.

SN1FFSN1FF #why me≋ #fuckers try to leave the sprite behind #not cool #so unr4d

TEREZI: TH3 US3L3SS 4SSHOL3 SM3LLS L3SS 3V1L 4ND MOR3 1D1OT1C NOW >:/

TEREZI: 1 GU3SS TH4TS 4 GOOD TH1NG

KARKAT: OF COURSE IT IS YOU DENSE FUCK! YOUR KISMESISSITUDE ISN'T AS IMPORTANT AS YOUR LIFE, YOU GRUB-LICKING MORON.

TEREZI: FUCK YOU TOO, K4RKL3S >:]

VRISKA: Oh come oooooooon. We were actually on the verge of doing something somewhat important for a minute there, and yet we've already managed to devolve into a 8unch of 8ullshit insults and meaningless 8anter! >::::(

MEENAH: in case you aint nauticed yet, less hot serket, thats not reely a thing that matters anymoor

MEENAH: we won shore as shit so we can waste all the time we clam whale please or waterever

FEFERI: GLUB GLUB! 38(

FEFERI: Vriska is NOT “less hot serket” you take t) (at back!

ARANEA: I dou8t it's worth our time to 8e arguing a8out this.

MEENAH: please bitch

MEENAH: araneas bass is so much finer than whats her fishs like for reel

NEPETA: :// < *ac thinks that vriskers is purrlenty attractive*

NEPETA: :33 < i mean i think that beclaws we still arent roleplaying with each other ever again i think

EQUIUS: D --> NEPETA!

EQUIUS: D --> I forbid you from participating in this f001ishness.

Rose doesn't seem to be paying this ridiculous conversation any mind, subtly ogling Maryam asses and comparing them. This strikes you as ironic since the ignored conversation is also about comparing asses, but of the spiderbitch variety.

CALIBORN: OH MY FuCKING GOD. GuESS WHO DOESN'T GIVE A FuCK ABOuT COMPARING BITCHES' ASSES RIGHT NOW?

CALIBORN: ANYONE WITH A FuCKING SCRAP. OF *INTELLIGENCE*!

DAVESPRITE: shouty asshole number “who gives a shit because i cant keep track anymore” has a point lets get this ball rolling already

JAKE: Right. There are jolly new adventures for us to embark upon as a united team!

JANE: (Uuuugh…)

JOHN: WHOA! jake has a point you guys. we are a rough and tumble group of heroes who just saved the furthest ring and created a brand new universe

JOHN: we should totally be reaping the spoils and stuff instead of wasting time on this nonsense

JOHN: besides everyone with half a brain knows that vriska is THE most attractive person here, serket or otherwise

TAVROS: (aRRRGH!)

VRISKA: W8, WHAT????????

JADE: SHOOSH!

JADE: its adventure time!!!!! :D

SHABBITH-KA⋮ I will not dignify any of this tomfoolery with any meaningful recognition≋ and instead will be~~

OTHER KANAYA: SHABBITH-KA‼ I AM GOING TO SLICE OPEN YOUR WARDEN ASS RIGHT‼ FUCKING‼ NOW‼‼‼

KANAYA: Oh My

ROSE: Someone certainly has a temper.

PORRIM: I wo+nder what co+uld have pro+vo+ked such activity.

OTHER KANAYA: GET READY TO DIE‼‼‼

HORUSS: 8=D < Does… does miss Maryam over there… possess HOOVES?

SHABBITH-KA: That's none of your concern≋ and neither is her reason for being here or wanting to kill me≋

SHABBITH-KA: Now go enjoy Equestria and ne~er exist in the same uni~erse as me e~er again≋

You activate the portal they were all obliviously standing on / floating over and MASS TRANSPORTALIZE them all the fuck out of here. Then you quickly abscond yourself because that Discorded version of Kanaya scares the shit out of you. All of this makes absolutely perfect sense and isn't totally confusing and convoluted in any way, shape, or form whatsoever.

John Egbert = pegasus pony ♂

Rose Lalonde = unicorn pony ♀

Dave Strider = pegasus pony ♂

Davesprite = pegacrow ponysprite ♂

Jade Harley = unicorn pony ♀

Jane Crocker = zebra ♀

Roxy Lalonde = crystal earth pony ♀

Dirk Strider = earth pony ♂

Jake English = uncanny earth pony ♂

♋ Karkat Vantas = bat pony ♂

♈ Aradia Megido = unicorn pony ♀

♉ Tavros Nitram = earth pony ♂

♊ Sollux Captor = bicorn pony ♂

♌ Nepeta Leijon = earth pony ♀

♍ Kanaya Maryam = unicorn-bat-vampire(ish) rainbow drinker pony ♀

♎ Terezi Pyrope = pegasus pony ♀

♏ Vriska Serket = pegasus pony ♀

♐ Equius Zahhak = earth pony ♂

♑ Gamzee Makara = earth pony ♂

♒ Eridan Ampora = unicorn seapony ♂

♓ Feferi Peixes = alicorn seapony ♀

♋ Kankri Vantas = Saddle Arabian equine ♂

♈ Damara Megido = crystal unicorn pony ♀

♉ Rufioh Nitram = pegasus pony ♂

♊ Mituna Captor = bicorn pony ♂

♌ Meulin Leijon = zebra ♀

♍ Porrim Maryam = unicorn-bat-vampire(ish) rainbow drinker pony ♀

♎ Latula Pyrope = earth pony ♀

♏ Aranea Serket = unicorn pony ♀

♐ Horuss Zahhak = unicorn pony ♂

♑ Kurloz Makara = zebra ♂

♒ Cronus Ampora = earth seapony ♂

♓ Meenah Peixes = alicorn seapony ♀

☤ Calliope / Callie Ohpeee = trony/cherub unicorn pony ♀

⛎ Caliborn = cherub earth pony ♂

These are the species that the individuals you just transportalized will become, for reasons that are completely sane and obvious to anyone who is you, and no one who is not.

Be the excitable mare

You are now the excitable mare. Hooray! You are currently floating in the Space Between Spaces, looking around at a bunch of references to things other than My Little Pony. There's Samurai Jack,  Courage the Cowardly Dog, and several others, but that's not what draws your attention at the moment. A bunch of humanoids like Jack are all sort of floating on over toward Equestria proper, which is not where you are from. You wave happily at them to get their attention.

PINKIE: HIHIHI! HOW ARE YA HOMESTUCKS AND WHERE R YA GOIN‽

SOLLUX: 2upp02edly we're goiing tw0 eque2triia and god damn if my 2tupiid fuckiing lii2p ii2n't back becau2e 0f the2e teeth FUCK

PINKIE: WELLIMFROMDOUBLERAINBOOMANDTHEOTHERMEDOESNTKNOWABOUTYOUBECAUSETHATWOULDBESTUPIDBUTIMSURESHELLLOVEYOUALLEVENTUALLY!

KARKAT: GOD DAMN, TAKE A BREATH WOULD YOU?

KANKRI: Dancest9r, such language c9uld very well 6e quite triggering f9r 9ur extremely temp9rary guest, s9 I must insist that y9u refrain fr9m using it in fr9nt 9f her. I d9n't have the time t9 create an exhaustive list 9f all her triggers due t9 the af9rementi9ned temp9rary nature 9f 9ur c9ntact with her, 6ut we can at least av9id the m9st c9mm9n 9f triggers t9 present s9me sem6lance of curtesy.

PINKIE: oh please. i dont give a fuck about that.

KANKRI: Uh…

PINKIE: ANYWAYBYE!

EQUIUS: D --> G00dbye, noble h00fbeast. May whatever mission you have taken on be a STRONGLY resounding success.

NEPETA: :33 < *ac giggles purrivately at the antics of her meowrail*

DAVESPRITE: yo guys, id hate to interrupt but uh…

You see the group of humanoids approaching a chaotic event horizon crackling with painful-looking temporal and mutative magics, apparently unable to control their own trajectories. They all spoke in unison then, with a few exceptions. Meulin just mouthed the words, Kurloz's eyes just widened because signing surprised exclamations is stupid, and Damara cursed in a language that was the Beforan precursor to Earth's Japanese.

EVERY SINGLE MOTHERFUCKING BODY: D =--D>: (( < O+0H) ( 2SHII1T!!!!!!!! 0_0 tumut >:[

END OF CHAPTER 1